Original subtitles

That was a fun date.

It wasn't a date.

I went to the movie alone, and you sat down next to me right after it started.

Uh -huh. But this time, you didn't dump your soda all over me.

I'm wearing you down, baby.

Let's get comfortable.

Hey, baby.

Let's get comfortable.

What are you doing?

Making a move, sweetheart.

Feel free to make one back.

Okay.

It's a rare condition, this day and age, to read any good news on the newspaper

page. And love and tradition of the grand design, some people say, is even

harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

Because all I see is a tower of dreams.

Don't lose that thought.

Hey!

Waldo! What's up?

Uh, uh, uh, Vonda's here. Oh, cool.

Hey, Vonda.

Hello, Waldo. What's up?

Waldo. What's up?

Waldo, I'm kind of busy right now. You know.

Oh.

No problem, Bob.

All right.

All right.

Waldo. What's up?

Yo, man.

Check out my lady Vonda over there.

Look at those sweet lips. They're just begging to be kissed.

You got it, Bob.

told me to

waldo

you just kissed my girlfriend yep now you got some tough lips to follow

i don't want you to kiss her for me i wanted you to leave so that i

could kiss her you idiot

Yeah, I understand.

I understand something else, too.

What?

My best friend thinks I'm an idiot.

Need a little bit more oomph.

More oomph.

Hey, Carl.

Did you fix the ice maker yet? Oh, yeah.

Good.

You better call a repairman.

What for?

Carl, fixing things is a talent. A talent you don't have.

Well, now, I fixed the dryer, and it works just fine.

Yes, and then it exploded.

Your mother was beamed by the lint trap.

Well, she was only out for a few minutes.

Let's see.

Refrigerator repair.

Excuse me.

Would it kill you just to give me a little support?

A teeny tiny vote of...

Explosions. You dredge up the ancient lint trap incident.

Well, you know what, Harriet?

There should be a country called Naysayer.

And you would be queen of the Naysayers.

Well, I am the king of this household, Queenie.

Nice work, old mighty king.

Well, let's see. Refrigerator repair.

Vonda, baby.

Baby.

Vonda, I swear I will never be rude to you again.

Steve! Anno, you can sweet -talk the hottie some other time. Right now, we've

got an emergency on our hands. Now, come on.

talking about?

I just got a phone call from Fort McGee.

Waldo's there.

Fort McGee?

Well, why would Waldo be in Fort McGee?

Waldo joined the army.

What? Come on, we gotta go talk him out of this.

Why would Waldo do such an idiotic thing?

It was your insensitive use of the word idiot that caused this whole mess.

Waldo joined the army because I called him an idiot?

Hey, strong emotions and a weak...

We make a dangerous combination.

Eddie, were you guys drafted?

No, man.

We snuck on the base. We got to... Hey! Are you ladies having a little trouble

finding the door?

See you in there.

See you in there.

All right.

Who are you two?

Prang and Erica.

In private, Winslow.

of pasture paddies doing in my platoon.

Excellent use of alliteration, sir.

I don't believe I've had the pleasure of... Sergeant Robert Shishka.

Hey, get on your name backwards. It's Shishka Bob.

Shut up! Yes, sir. Shut it up, sir.

I'm not a sir.

You're not, sir? No, sir. I'm a sergeant.

Call me Sarge. No problem, Bob.

Urkel, Winslow, you are not on my list of new recruits.

Oh, well... You mean the Army screwed up the paperwork again?

Gosh, I'll bet that's never happened before.

Don't insult my Army.

I love my Army.

I'll take this up later with the Lieutenant.

moment with Private Waldo privately?

Well, no!

You see Sarge, he's our friend and you know...

Very nice to meet you.

Eyes are here.

What are you looking at?

Suck in that gut.

Square those shoulders.

Chin up.

Now stay that way.

Welcome to basic training, maggots.

During the next six weeks...

six weeks... Stop that!

Well, I have to breathe. Excuse me for being a mammal.

At ease.

During the next six weeks, it

will be my job to turn you...

spread jackasses into soldiers in this United States Army.

What?

Why all this gratuitous name -calling?

You know, you catch far more flies with honey than you will with incense. Shut

up!

You probably don't have too many friends, do you? I...

reasonable displays of anger are occasionally caused by an impacted

I'm going to have to... That does it, mister.

Give me 50 push -ups. Without stretching first?

A 20 -mile field hike with full field packs.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't thank me.

Thank Private Urkel.

You see, men, an infantry unit is only as strong as its weakest soldier.

And this soldier is the weakest man in America.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, they bet my dad.

It's a nice place you got here.

Thank you.

How much you pay for it?

I really don't think that's any of your business.

Take a bath on it, huh?

How much do I owe you?

$285.

What? For a little motor thing?

I'll wait, dearie.

You want to get on the horn there and call your little old hubby.

Why would I do that?

Well, he controls the buck.

We control the buckaroonies. We share the buckaroonies. You got that?

Yeah, okie -dokie, sure.

Furthermore, I'm authorizing this repair myself.

Understand? Okie -dokie, sure.

I'm also authorizing you to pull up those pants.

This is an old house, and we got enough cracks in it.

Relax, men.

Hello. Hello.

Do me a favor.

What? Shoot me.

Leave him alone, Winslow.

Why don't you lay off, Sarge?

I mean, sure, Steve is annoying.

company so you and faldo can stay here with your buddy urkel while the rest of

us go for chow and while we're gone you three will scrub this entire floor

where are the mops right here

all right men fall out it's chow time double time

now it's wednesday that means powdered fish

Why'd you guys come here anyway?

To stop you from making a big mistake.

You know, Waldo, the only reason you joined the Army is because... because I

hurt your feelings.

It's not the only reason.

But you shouldn't have called me an idiot.

Yeah, I know.

You're supposed to be my friend.

My best friend.

When you call me that, I never felt so bad in my whole life.

Really? Yeah.

I mean, I admire you.

I respect you.

And I've always looked up to you.

So when you call me an idiot, you hurt me.

Here.

No, Waldo, you're not an idiot.

An idiot is a guy who loses his temper and hurts his best friend's feelings.

Waldo, uh...

I'm really sorry, man.

Ian, will you be my best friend again?

Who?

Mission accomplished, Dean!

Yes, sir, Sergeant Fisker, sir.

Let's go home, guys.

Wait a minute.

Getting Waldo out of the army is easier said than done.

Well, let's just talk to the serge.

Oh, good idea. Yeah, he seems to be a caring and compassionate individual.

Well, maybe if we explain the situation and beg real hard, he'll rip up Waldo's

enlistment papers.

Papers?

Yeah, Waldo.

You signed enlistment papers, right?

No. I just saw a long line and stood at the end of it.

Listen up, maggots. Prepare for drill.