Original subtitles

blackened pizza.

It's a rare condition this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper

page. Love and tradition of the grand design.

Some people say it's even harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these kids of war.

Because all I see is the power of dream. Real love bursting out of everything.

We're going to fill our house with happiness.

But we'll smother the blue.

It's the bigger love of the family.

Hurry up, Windlow.

I don't like to be kept waiting.

Promise you won't laugh?

You have my word as an officer and a gentleman.

Promise me you wouldn't laugh.

I had my fingers crossed, ma 'am.

You're beautiful when you're angry.

Okay, that's it. As of now, I am unvolunteering for this operation.

Fine, Winslow.

You want to be a sergeant for the rest of your life, that it?

Well, no, but... Listen up.

Some lowlife mugged the wife of our beloved police chief.

Now, if we capture that lowlife, how do you think our beloved police chief will

reward us?

With a promotion?

That's the least we can expect from that old rummy.

Well, let's get this over with.

May I?

I'll put my face on in the car.

Wait, wait, wait.

Allow me, babe.

Don't you even think about it.

Yes, sweetie.

Have you checked out the guy on table four?

Six foot two, tweed jacket, brown eyes, gold watch, no wedding ring, small scar

on the chin.

That's him.

Hardly noticed him.

Right. Well, he has to see the manager.

Oh, no. What's wrong?

He didn't say.

Will you go over there? Check out his dimples when he chews.

I'm the manager, sir. Is there a problem?

As a matter of fact, there is.

I've got this delicious dinner in front of me, and I have to eat it all alone

unless... Would you join me?

Well, it's the after -school rush, and as you can see, I'm really very, very...

Sure.

Mahoney.

In the flesh.

And oh, what flesh it is.

What you gonna do, Eddie?

I'm gonna put the moves on Vonda. Word is, she's fast.

I could beat her.

Those high heels would slow her down.

No, man.

Guys who go out with Vonda get instant reps.

We'd be sons instead of what we are.

No.

Virgin?

Hi, Wanda.

Can I buy you a soda? A burger? A motorhome?

That's a great line.

Thanks. Now go away.

I got a D on my algebra test this morning, and if I can't get at least a B

the midterm, I'm gonna flop.

Well, maybe I can help you out.

Really?

You any good at algebra?

Oh, please.

Does this look like the body of a guy who's good at algebra?

Then how can you help?

Oh, well, I know the smartest kid in the school. He got me through my math

classes, and I'm sure he could do the same for you.

Really? Mm -hmm.

Um, if you can get him to tutor me, I'll be very grateful to

you.

Very grateful?

Very, very grateful.

Excuse me.

Ow! What'd I do? What'd I do? Steve!

I need your help.

Now, Edo, I'm busy and I don't blow mama.

That's Vonda Mahoney. She's fucking algebra.

If you tutor her and she passes, she'll go out with you.

Gotcha. And what's in it for the Steve Arena?

Friendship. We'll be best buddies.

Okay.

Excuse me, Greg. I have to go help my help.

I wasn't done flirting. Well, neither was I.

Is that my check?

No, you're mailed down the house.

That's my phone number.

I've been parading around in this getup for a whole month now, and I haven't

attracted one single sleazeball.

To tell you the truth, Carl, I'm not surprised.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, isn't the object of this to look as much as possible like a woman?

Well, of course.

There might be a small problem with your mustache.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

The police chief's wife has a bigger mustache than me.

I don't know. Apparently, this guy is hot for hair.

Something else must be wrong.

There is.

Carl, you don't walk like a woman.

You walk like a linebacker.

Oh, well, I suppose that you know how to walk like a woman.

I've had a few years' experience.

Watch me close.

A woman is daintier, more feminine.

She flies.

Hey, you are good.

I know.

Let me try. Okay.

Slow down. Slow down.

Okay. Slow.

Okay. Slow. Left to right.

Left to right.

Are we struggling with grease now, baby? Yes.

Sweetheart, I don't know if I'll catch a mugger, but I sure need a good laugh

this morning.

Oh,

unhand her, madam.

Steve, take it easy.

All right, how can you be so blase about this?

My God, girl, you've been watching too much Geraldo.

I'm working undercover.

I'm a mugging decoy.

Oh, boy, that's a big relief.

Carl, I need the car tonight, so I'm going to have to drive you. Oh, okay,

honey.

Oh, wait a minute, sweetheart.

That's my bag. Oh, excuse me.

Easy,

easy, Carl. I'll get all the way over there.

Uh -huh.

And it was thanks to you and your tutoring.

Oh, congratulations.

But you're the one who deserves most of the credit. Your own brain got you

there. I just pointed it in the right direction.

Well, I still want to thank you, Steve. Oh, you're welcome.

No, you don't understand. I want to really thank you.

Oh,

you're really welcome.

No, no, um, you don't understand.

There's a certain way.

Did I show my gratitude?

Ow.

Well, I am partial to teeth.

No, no, I was thinking we could go out on a date.

A date?

Mm -hmm. Ooh, with me?

Mm -hmm.

Ooh, a date day?

Mm -hmm.

Ooh, with me?

Mm -hmm.

I'm going to have to turn you down.

Why? Oh, you're good. It's all good.

Steve, don't you understand that one date with me is going to change your

life?

Oh.

Well, hell exactly.

Don't some of the kids think that you're, uh... Well, what's the word I'm

looking for? The word is nerd.

Yeah.

Well, after you go out with me, your rep would change. You'd become a lady. man.

Yeah.

Wow.

From dead to

Sweat patrol.

I'd give anything to be like Steve Urkel.

Face it, Eddie. There can only be one Steve Urkel in this world. And Steve

is one of them.

Oh.

Lara, I saved my best perspiration for you.

Not my brow.

Forget it.

No sweat, my pet.

In your dreams.

Hey, this is my dream.

Well, then, not even in your dreams.

I can't believe this. I'm being rejected in my own fantasy.

Steve. Steve.

How?

What?

Now, we need to talk.

About what?

Well, about reputation.

Now, we'll start with Mark.

Now, I wouldn't be comfortable being a ladies' man. I just want to be one

ladies' man.

Laura, right?

Yes, indeed.

Now, if I have the reputation of being a nerd, well, that makes no never mind to

me, because I like myself.

Well, good for you. I'm glad.

Now, um, you have a reputation, too, don't you?

I don't know.

Well, some of the guys in school say that you're, um... Well, that you're,

Easy? Yeah, that's it.

Hey, to you.

I want to be popular, okay?

But, Fonda, you're terrific. You're pretty, you're smart, and you're nice.

Like, you don't have to be easy to be popular.

But I want guys to like me. They will, but first you have to like yourself.

Do you like yourself?

Not always.

Well, you can change that.

Oh, but I'm supposed to go out with Eddie Winslow tomorrow night. Steve,

expecting me to be very, very grateful.

Oh, pistache!

Eddie is my best bud, and he happens to be a true gentleman.

Eddie Winslow?

I guarantee you he will be the first to congratulate you on your new life.

Actually, he'll be the second one.

Congratulations, Wanda.

I am telling you, I never knew that hockey could be so much fun.

Well, there's always great action on the ice. Yeah. Hey, now, what were the

players doing when they weren't punching and gouging and slapping each other

with those sticks?

Oh, that?

That was hockey. Get out of here.

I tell you, you can sure get rid of all your aggressions. Oh, yeah, it's a

terrific game. Yeah.

Well, thanks for another great evening, Greg. My pleasure.

Rachel, I think you're terrific.

In fact, so is your whole family.

They're good, solid, salt -of -the -earth people.

Hey, hey, hey, Rachel.

Great news.

I got mugged.

Harry is going to be so proud.

Hey, honey.

Sweetheart, it worked.

Hey, Harry.

Yeah, we're good, solid, salt of the earth people.

Good night, Greg.

Good night, Rachel.

Look, why don't you call me tomorrow, okay?

Okay.

Rachel. I need to know something.

We've gone out several times now, and I think we're good for each other.

Well, I think so too, Ray.

You do?

Then why do I feel you're always backing away from me?

I don't think I'm... Rachel, I'd like for this relationship to go somewhere.

But if you're not ready for that,

well, I'd like for you to let me know now.

That way we don't waste each other's time.

I am ready for a relationship.

Oh?

Then why are you still wearing your wedding ring?

I'll call you tomorrow.

Sleep tight.

You too.

Hey, Steve.

Doesn't Vonda look great?

Oh, yes, as usual.

I just picked Vonda up. We'll go grab a quick bite and then it's right back to

Vonda's. Her parents aren't home.

Hey, here's a thought.

Let's get the food to go.

Vonda, did you tell Anna all the good news?

What good news?

The good news ain't happening yet.

Uh, Eddie?

Do you even know... I had a nice talk, and, um, he helped me realize that I

don't have to be easy to be popular.

You don't?

No, I don't.

So from now on, I'm not even going to kiss on the first date.

Thanks to Steve, I have respect for myself now.

That's great.

Excuse us.

Anna, is there a problem, Anna?

Hi,

everybody. Hey, sweetie.

I got my commendation for catching the mugger. Oh, girl, that's great.

But would you believe that Lieutenant Murtaugh is jealous?

What? He says he won't rest until he gets a commendation, too.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

What are you up with? The clock is ticking on this 18 -hour girdle.

After you, babe.

Don't even think about it.