Original subtitles

Why, my fragile flower, do you smell a special fragrance today?

I do? Oh, yeah. Now, what is it that spins my nostrils into overdrive?

Arpades? Chanel?

Chalamet?

Sweet and sour meatloaf.

Ah, yes.

Only you can enhance the aroma of old meat.

Eddie, look.

Uh -oh. It's the dragon.

Table.

Table for seven, geek.

Oh, okay. Coming right up. And that's Mr.

Geek.

It's a rare condition this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper

page and love and tradition of the grand design.

Some people say it's even harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

Because all I see is a tower of dreams.

Real love bursting out of every scene.

We're going to fill our house with happiness.

We'll smother the blues with tenderness.

There's room for you, room for me, for

gentle hearts and opportunity.

but do you have a name or just a zip code?

Osgood.

Osgood? Oh, that's a great name.

If you're a duck...

Hey,

are you okay?

Not really. I fell on my house keys.

Look, why don't you guys just haul it up? out of here. And what if we don't?

Then I have to get... What's going on here?

Well, hello.

My name is Chang.

Chang? Chang what?

Just Chang. You know, like Dean, Gerardo, Madonna.

Sometimes one name says it all.

Yeah, like jerk.

Hey,

you got... Spunk, do you want to go out with me sometime?

Nope.

I wasn't talking to you.

Do you want to go out with me? No, see?

Come on, let's go to a movie. Don't touch me.

Oh, come on, baby.

You slapped my hand. The lady asked not to be touched.

I do what I want, when I want, and you can't stop me.

Another nice chick. Yeah.

Old, but a good lady.

Look, I want you to get out of here right... Oh.

Hey, do you own this place?

Yes. And I don't want people like you in here, so get lost.

What?

You heard the lady. Get lost.

Are you standing up to me? That's right. And so am I.

And so is my friend Waldo.

Anybody think Waldo?

You see, you people are rude.

And you shouldn't be rude to a customer.

Because something bad might happen.

Hey! Uh -oh. Oops.

Accident. Look,

I want you to get out of here before I call the police.

It's more food now.

Hey, guys, do you feel another accident coming on? Yes, we do.

One, two.

Problem here, fellas?

Nah, it's no problem. We were just leaving, officer.

Well, you know, leaving's a very, very good thing.

But you know, never coming back is an even better thing.

Wait a minute.

Did you break that glass?

Pay the lady.

Thank you.

Have a nice day.

Brush her teeth.

And then they all picked up the dishes in the chairs. Yeah, they wanted to

destroy my restaurant.

No place is safe anymore.

That's when Daddy walked in and saved the day. Yes, Chicago's finest.

I wish I was there. I would have given those punks a cunt.

their kneecaps.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Carl.

What?

Oh, my God.

Well, when did this happen?

All right, then. We'll be right down.

Harriet, what's wrong?

The dragon's just trashed your restaurant.

Oh, I gotta get down the right way.

Excuse me, honey.

incident may be too grisly for your delicate eyes to behold.

Move it or lose it.

in time to catch him in the act.

Look at this.

They sure left their calling card.

The whole place is full?

Carl, can't you arrest these guys?

Yes, we can and we will.

Good. Two hours later, the dragons will be right back out on the street.

What? Why?

Well, because every gangbanger will produce ten people who will say they

someplace else when all of this happened.

So these two of them can just do whatever they want and get away with it?

I wouldn't go that far.

I would.

Eddie! No, Eddie!

Eddie!

Edward,

who did this to you? The dragons.

How did this happen?

I was walking home from my date, and all of a sudden, eight of them jumped out

from behind a Volkswagen minibus.

you okay? Does anything feel broken?

No, it hurts a little, but only wimps get into pain.

Come on, sweetie, let me get you home, and then I can put some antiseptic on

those cuffs.

Mom, that stuff stings!

Well, Laura, let's get this place cleaned up.

How long do you think it'll take us?

Well, if we start now and work through the night, about two years.

Steve. I want revenge.

But you can't. You're a cop.

But I'm a father first.

But wait, wait, wait. I said wait.

What is it?

Well, now you're upsetting with good reason. But if you go out dragon

they'll scream police brutality and you'll lose your job.

Steve, are you saying that I should forget what they did to my son?

No. I know a way we can get the dragons and you can still keep your badge.

What is it?

Well, suppose we can get some hard evidence to prove that the dragons were

responsible for this. That way, no one could lie to save them.

Well, how do you suppose we get this hard evidence?

Wire me, big guy.

I'm going in.

I wish you'd let me talk you out of this. I still think this is too

for you.

Boo! Pocky!

My danger is my middle name.

And besides, you guys will be listening to every word. So if I get into any

trouble, why, you just rush in and yank my bacon out of the fire.

Quiet, men. Listen up.

Here's my plan.

At the end of the alley, right by the brown lake.

Sir, that's a coffee stain.

Thank you, Sergeant.

You're welcome, sir.

Never correct me in front of the kid.

Gentlemen, our neighborhood has been stolen from us.

We take it back.

Tonight, the dreaded dragons face Stephen Q. Urkel,

better known as the Urk -Man.

I'll put this to a vote.

Who wants to go to the movie and then rob him?

All right. Who wants to go bowling and then rob him?

I love what you've done with the place.

You've got five seconds to tell me why I shouldn't stuff you in a dumpster.

Gentlemen, rejoice.

I'm here to join.

Oh, man.

Wait a minute. I know you.

You're that little nerd from the burger joint.

Ah, that's my day job.

But by night, I'm a man.

A deranged, antisocial, bloodthirsty...

Yeah.

How tough am I?

Yeah, well, I also do my own dental work.

And I've been known to return videotapes without rewinding.

Hey, Chang, you want me to hit this pump?

Try me, Chucky Drunk.

But it's only fair to warn you that I'm a black belt in karate.

I used to practice in the Sahara Forest.

And the Sahara is a desert.

Oh, sure.

And now...

Winkler, check these out.

What?

Crick handcuffs. They look exactly like regulation cups.

Sir, shouldn't we be paying more attention to Steve's transmission?

Oh, if he needs us, he'll scream.

You know what's beautiful about these guys?

They're great icebreakers at Singles Bar.

Sir, we're on duty. This is no time for fooling around.

Well, excuse me, Sergeant Killjoy.

Where's the key to these?

There isn't one. You just tap them on a certain spot.

Watch.

Ow!

Wrong spot.

Ow!

Ow!

I think these babies are defective.

Good thing I kept the receipt.

What you kept these on?

I see someone's mighty good with a spray can.

Yes.

great dragon at Rachel's place?

Yeah, did you see that?

I was going to have it come out of this lake of fire, but I thought it was too

derivative and trite.

Oh, absolutely.

Oh, and kudos to you on the great job you did on smashing up the place.

Well, thank you. I can't take all the credit. You see, the guys here help.

like a family.

Wow.

It's nice that you do things together.

Yeah, it is.

Were you together when you beat up the Winslow kids?

Yeah, it was a team effort.

You talk too much.

Get up.

Why? I'm comfy.

I've been thinking. Something doesn't add up.

What might that be?

I've seen two versions of you.

A wimpy little nerd and this.

So I asked myself, which one is the real one?

And I don't think it's this.

Nice earrings.

I'm lucky for you that was a clip -on.

So then I asked myself, if this is just an act, why are you really here?

Oh, come up with an answer.

It occurs to me that you could be wired.

We gotta get these off now!

Really, really sure.

Really sure.

Well, ten more seconds and I would have been a Steve kebab.

You did real good, Steve.

I'm proud of you.

Gee, thanks, big guy.

Now let's cut these bollocks and feed them to the paddy wagon.

Uh, no cuffs. No cuffs.

Go outside now. Keep your hands high where I can see them. Take it slow.

All right, here we go. One at a time. One at a time. See the officers outside.

Let's go. Keep it moving.

Keep it moving. Come on.

Pick up the pace, Mr. Backwards Hat.

Hey, you guys are so casual and so nonchalant.

Hey, we're professionals.

I'm told.

To Rachel's place.

Back and better than ever. Thank you. And I want to tell you how much I

appreciate the way you all pitched in and helped me clean this place up.

Oh, Rachel. We're family.

And we don't expect to be charged for this, please.

Oh, wait a minute. One more toast.

To the young man who helped put the dragons away for a very long time,

Urkel.

Aw,

thanks, big guy.

Hey, may I draw your attention to the menu and the new Urkel sandwich?

Yeah, it's a hero sandwich, but it's mostly bologna.