Original subtitles

Sorry to startle you, ma 'am.

I'm looking for your husband.

That's a good one, sir.

But I'm just helping out around the house.

You see, we're a modern family.

Harriet's out working late, so I'm up here straightening up and cooking

Cooking and cleaning?

My God, man, where's your self -respect?

I have plenty of self -respect.

Oh, touchy. What is it, PMS?

Here, this is for you.

A beeper?

That's right.

From now on, when there's important police business that needs to be handled

quickly, I can reach you anytime, anywhere.

Sir, are any other sergeants getting beepers? No, just you.

All my other sergeants have already had their annual performance review.

I understand, sir.

Excellent. Now stick that beeper in your purse.

Lieutenant, let me just emphasize one thing here.

I wear the pants in this house.

I am the breadwinner.

I am the man of this house.

Hi, honey, I'm home.

What's for dinner?

It's a rare condition, this day and age, to read any good news on the newspaper

page. Love and tradition of the grand design, some people say, is even harder

find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

Cause all I see is a tower of dreams, real love bursting out of it.

You're getting oatmeal.

Uh -oh, uh -oh.

That's Lieutenant Murtaugh. This could be an emergency, and I'm not even

yet.

Don't you try out for Romeo.

No, that will make it a comedy.

You know, those were the exact words uttered by Miss Steuben, the play's

director. But, of course, she was bright enough to see that my dashing good

looks...

Are you going to audition for Juliet?

I'm not sure.

You should. You'd be great.

Absolutely. I mean, you are related to me, and I am a wonderful actress.

That's right.

I've seen her tell a man she was 23 and not even blank.

Well, gotta go.

What was the emergency call?

Oh, uh, Lieutenant Murtaugh wants me to pick up his...

Uniform at the cleaners.

Watch this performance.

Oh, Carl!

Don't go out there all alone.

We're crazy about you, you big lug.

Take a seat. Where?

Pittsburgh.

Oh, Miss Dubin, you slayed me.

Oh, oh.

As I was saying, the auditions were spirited, but the part...

to see him in tights.

Now, I have narrowed the choices for Juliet down to two girls.

It will either be Maxine or Laura.

Daniel, would you mind reading with the ladies?

Well, it will be my extreme and intense pleasure.

Maxine, you go first.

But soft.

What life through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

See how she leans her cheek upon her hand.

Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek.

You are so gorgeous.

Thank you.

Thank you, Maxine. That was a very interesting interpretation.

How'd I do? Oh, you were great.

All right, Lawrence, your turn. Let's start with line 31, act 2, scene 2.

Does thou love me?

O gentle Romeo, if thou dost love.

Pronounce it faithfully.

There's our Julia.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Good night.

Parting is such a sweet song that I shall play good night

till it be morrow.

Sweetheart, you look fine.

Thank you, Carl.

In fact, why don't you and I just skip dinner and stay home tonight?

We could do that. Yeah?

But if we do, we'll miss the all -you -can -eat special at Chez Josephine's.

Let's go.

Oh, no, not Murtaugh again.

Sweetheart, I know it's a pain, but I'm in my annual performance review time,

and I gotta be on my best behavior.

But don't worry, I'll just call Lieutenant Murtaugh and tell him we have

plans.

Now, always remember, Laura, that great acting comes from within.

Legendary performances come from actors who can reach deep down into their souls

and dredge up pain.

Can you feel it, Laura?

Can you feel a pain?

I feel a pain, Aunt Rachel.

And I'm hoping it'll go back into the kitchen.

Carl's telling Lieutenant Murtoff that we're busy tonight and he's not

to run his personal errands.

Yes, sir. That's two burgers. Well done.

Small order of fries and one vanilla shake.

Yes, sir.

Got it, sir.

No problem.

Glad to do it, sir. Okay. Bye now.

Now, Harriet, I know what you're thinking.

But the poor guy's car is in the shop and he's lying on his stomach with a

painful boil.

I don't believe this.

I rush home from work, take two hours to get ready, and now I've got to stay

home because your boss has a boil.

You see, Lord, that's the kind of pain I'm talking about.

Now, if you could reach deep down into your soul...

Well,

I better go get Lieutenant Murtaugh's food and ointment.

that this night can get any worse.

Anyhow, Winslow.

I was wrong.

Yes, sir?

I found that pain.

Bravo, Juliet!

Bravo, Juliet! Encore, encore!

Get out!

Get out, Carl!

Carl, do you have to do that after every scene?

Ma, I happen to be proud of my daughter.

I wish I could say the same about my son.

Poor Laura.

What do you mean? The balcony scene is next.

Think she'll really kiss Dee?

I don't know.

Every time I ask her about it, she just cries and takes another role.

Oh, did you bring that beeper to the play?

Well, Ma, Lieutenant Murtaugh ordered me to carry it at all times.

I'll go see what he wants.

No. No, I am not going.

No. This is my daughter's big moment, and I'm going to be here to see it.

Sorry, Lieutenant.

This line is out of order.

I'm proud of you. You got your priorities straight.

Here goes.

The balcony's safe.

I shall say goodnight.

Till it be morrow.

Oh, God, I wish it were morrow.

Did I do that?

I'm sorry.

I know, Stephen.

You're always sorry.

Listen, Stephen, I've decided to retire from the theater arts department.

Oh, gee, that's a shame.

Yeah, well... Stephen, you're not taking home

-ec next semester, are you?

No.

Oh, good, oh, good.

I'll teach that, then.

Lunkhead for jerk, jerk, jerk all over your makeup mirror.

That's okay.

I'm the Lunkhead.

Well, why'd you do that?

Because it's true.

I am a jerk.

Laura, I ruined the plane.

Steve, it was an accident. I mean, it could have happened to anybody.

Somebody else it could have happened to.

Nope. It was vintage Urkel.

Laura, I've dreamed all my life of being kissed by you.

And when it finally happened, I blew it.

I turned a magical moment into a three -ring circus.

See, if you made a mistake, that's all.

But I ruined it for you, too.

I mean, you was the best Juliet there ever was.

And I made you look like a fool.

Believe me, Steve, nobody thinks I'm a fool.

Really?

Do you mean it, or are you saying it just to make me feel better?

I mean it.

In fact, the audience liked what you did. I mean, they gave us a standing

ovation, five curtain calls. They loved it so much, they wouldn't even let us

finish the pool.

Well, we couldn't finish the play. I leveled Verona.

Thanks for cheering me up, Laura.

You're welcome.

Touching. Sorry.

Come on, let's go to the cast party.

Great!

take the time to pull me out of my misery?

I don't know.

Did you do it out of a love?

No, I did it out of pity.