Original subtitles

Any of you seen Steve?

Nope. He's been driving me nuts.

Every afternoon he asks me if he can walk me to work.

What you need is urkel repellent.

Yeah, well, I'm going to fool him today.

I'm leaving an hour early.

Good news on the newspaper page. The love and tradition of the grand design.

Some people say it's been harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

Because all I see is a tower of dreams.

time of year.

Mine, too.

Oh, please, not in front of the children.

Dad,

do we have cell tickets this year?

No, sweetheart, you don't have to.

Yes.

You get to.

Oh, come on, kids, perk up.

I mean, after all, the dance contest is for a good cause.

We raise a lot of money for the Policeman's Memorial Foundation.

Dad,

Can I be honest about going to the dance contest?

Sure. I'd rather do a swan dive on a cactus.

Why? Well, it's real depressing watching people your age do the lombada.

jacket down a peg or two.

Well, why don't you come on upstairs with me? I got a sweater that's been

me trouble.

Harry, make note.

Charlie Carnelli is not welcome in this house.

Fuck. Who's Charlie Carnelli? The biggest jerk down at the precinct. A

with a badge.

I thought that was your captain.

Sit down.

Relax.

Tell me what happened.

Two weeks ago, this turkey transfers in from the south side.

I could tell he was a goober from the get -go.

And how does this goober get you?

Everything's a competition with Charlie.

Who's got the best score down to shooting range?

Who gets the most collars? Who can burp the longest?

I bet you won that one.

Well, of course, but that's not the point.

Today, Charlie starts shooting off his mouth about how he's going to win the

dance contest.

He starts telling everybody that he's the world's greatest dancer.

Now, that kind of bragging is childish, stupid, and petty.

Carl, you are absolutely right. So I told him we're going to wipe up the

with him.

Oh!

Rachel!

Is Rachel here?

No, she's at work. But I'm sure she heard you.

Well, I'm going to ask her to come up with a killer routine.

Just for us.

Carl, I thought you said we were entering this contest for the fun of it.

well, fun just went out the window. This is war.

A fight to the finish.

The Cornellis and the Winslows are gonna rumba.

You can't lose.

Thanks, but let's hear it for my partner, Carl the Dentist. What

happened?

My back.

It just went out. And pain came in.

Daddy, are you okay?

Oh, Daddy's fine, sweetheart.

He's just fine.

I can get for you. My gun!

That's it. I'm calling Dr.

Van Lowe.

Oh!

Say, can you straighten up at all? No, no, but that's okay.

I mean, there are plenty of advantages to being bent over like this,

Harriet? Yes?

I need new shoes.

Okay, take the load off. All right, easy.

Easy now. Oh, okay. Oh, oh.

Okay. All right. Just give me. Okay, give me. Oh, oh.

Oh, thank you, son.

I love you.

Carl, if you try to dance with a wrench back, you're going to injure yourself

permanently. Harriet, I can't drop out of the dance contest now.

I will not give Carl Nelly the satisfaction.

Real smart, Carl.

And then after the contest, you can just spend the rest of your life looking

like a pretzel.

since he can see you in an hour. And he said, don't worry, he's got a treatment.

You see, Harriet, he'll get me back in shape and I'll be just fine.

Okay, kids, come on.

I need help.

And we gotta hurry.

What's the rush?

We'd have to be to the doctor's for an hour.

That's how long it'll take me to get to the car.

We need some money.

How much money do you need?

Twenty bucks to cover it.

My wallet is in my right front pocket.

Say, Dad, I can clean you out and there's really nothing you can do about

Yeah, but eventually I'd get out of this thing and I'd have to hunt you down.

Want us to hang you out on the porch so you can get some sun?

He says, I have to hang on this thing for 10 days, four hours.

Watch this jerk credit.

Steve, you like this kind of music?

Uh, not really.

Maybe there's hope for you yet.

You two don't worry about a thing. You got this puppy locked up.

Say, you're very pretty.

Well, thank you.

Now get off my stage.

You ready?

Let's go for it, handsome.

It's a real pleasure to see such talent from the police commissioner's kids,

huh?

Uh -oh. Okay.

The results.

Oh boy, this is the moment we've all been waiting for.

The winning couple of the 8th Precinct's Animal Dance Contest is...

Charlie!

There will be a dance -off to determine the winner. And the judges have decided

that the dance will be the... Uh -oh.

Jitterbug. So let us just give it up for our finalists. And you people, just

please, take a bow.

Come on.

Go out again.

Out? It's on vacation.

I'll go tell the judges we can't dance.

No, no.

We've got to beat the Cornellis. We're just a jitterbug away from victory.

Carl, this competition thing is driving you crazy. You're in pain.

When are you going to give it up?

Never. Carl Winslow dances to the death.

Attaboy, Carl.

Out, Steve. Out.

Oh, no, Charlie, I was just admiring my shoes.

Yeah, look, real leather.

Well, I'm glad to see you're okay. For a second there, I thought maybe you were

going to try to chicken out.

Charlie? Charlie,

are you okay?

Oh, it's my ankle. It's fine.

It's fine. It's a strong ankle. Real fine.

Okay.

Folks, it is time for the dramatic.

Dance off. Now, dancers, to the floor, please.

Here they come, ladies.

Here they come.

The dance of champions.

The champions.

Are we ready?

Okay, boys, hit it!

What are you doing? Charlie, you're hurt. We gotta stop.

Uh, excuse me?

What's going on here? Well, we can't dance anymore. My husband sprained his

ankle. Oh, I'm sorry.

You lose.

What?

Folks, the winners of this year's dance contest.

Can I say something, please?

You know, this competition thing has gotten way out of hand.

You know, I'm hurt. Charlie's hurt.

We both want to win so bad that we're not having any fun.

Right, Charlie?

Right, Carl.

So I think it's only fair that we declare this a tie. I think we both

win.

Yeah, I'll take it.

Hey, now there is a noble gesture.

Isn't that great, folks? Isn't that great? Isn't that great?

Fortunately, it's against the rules, so, hey, you both lose by default.

Okay, let's hear it for the winners. The commissioners can.

You were wonderful, absolutely wonderful.

What's your hourly rate? And now let's turn the evening over to our

young people and their music. They are this country's future, so let's just

and bear it.

I'm proud of you.

Really? Yeah.

You had Charlie beat.

They would have given us the trophy.

But instead, you showed what a good sport you could be. Well, thanks, babe.

Come on, Mr. Bojangles. Let's go home.

I'm going to fix you a big banana split and then hang you up on the door.

You really know how to treat a guy.