Original subtitles

Steve Burke was coming over.

He's paying me to get him in shape.

Is there any reason you couldn't do this in your bedroom?

Yeah. You told me never to let him upstairs.

Good point.

Hi, Eddie.

Hey, Steve.

I appreciate your taking the time to pump me up.

No sweat, bud.

Why don't we warm up? You ready?

Watch me.

One, two, two, one, two.

That's enough.

I don't want you to hurt yourself.

This is great, Eddie. I feel a punk coming on.

Notice the difference?

Yeah, it's scary.

Why don't we just... Go straight to some bench pressing.

Lie down.

The other way.

Okay. Now grip the bar and do three sets of five.

Go.

Boy, this is easy.

I'll be right back.

We'll see. It's even harder to find.

The world possessed you boys to bring a timber wolf into the house.

We got the idea from you, Dad, remember?

You told us how you once kidnapped your rival school's mascot.

Yes, son, but that was in the 60s. I did it for peace.

Hi, everybody.

Boy, what a day.

The most incredible thing happened to me today.

Carl Hush, we're trying to watch the Buddy Goodrich show.

The Buddy Goodrich show?

Mama, you'd rather watch TV than talk to me?

Well, he's only on once a week. You hear every day.

Well, I just thought you'd like to hear about my day.

See? You made me miss a big joke.

So this is the top TV show.

A sitcom about a rich black man who adopts two white orphans.

They're adopted?

Oh, now I get it.

Hi. Hi, honey.

How was your date?

Unbelievable. Really? Tell us about it.

Well, it's nice to see that not everyone is in love with the Buddy Goodrich

show. Did that start already? Shoot.

Don't worry, honey.

I'll take you over Buddy Goodrich any day.

watch this show for the laughs.

There's also a lesson every week.

And what was tonight's lesson?

Well, Buddy showed us that when kids mess up, parents should think back and

how it's really their fault.

Like the time you threw the football for the living room window. That was my

fault. Hey, who gave me the football?

kids might like me better if I dressed more Ivy League like Buddy Goodrich.

Carl, you're not Ivy League. You're Bowling League.

But don't worry. The kids know you're a great father. We all do.

Thanks, Harriet.

Well, I believe I'll have me a shot of mineral oil and then hit the sack.

I'll get it for you, Mother Winslow. By the way, Carl, did you get good seats

for the Buddy Goodrich one -man show?

Uh, no, Mama.

How'd he get any tickets at all? I've been too busy. With what?

Oh, nothing much. Just robberies, high -speed chases, shootouts.

Well, what about your lunch hour, honey?

Okay, Mama.

I'll pick up the tickets tomorrow.

Hey, Carl, spring for some decent seats this time.

Yeah, when you took us to see the Gladys Knight show, we sat so far back, I

couldn't even see the...

Excuse me, um, I was on my way to the box office and I noticed a black

convertible parked in a handicapped spot.

Do you know whose car it is?

Yeah, that's Buddy Goodrich's car.

Really? That's his car? Mm -hmm.

Wow.

Listen, I'm pressed for time, so would you mind telling him to move it?

I'm on a break.

Sorry.

That's his dressing room right over there.

Thanks. Yep.

But Mr.

Goodrich's car is parked in a handicapped spot. I'd appreciate

it. Of course. Let me just get the queen.

Hey, Jack.

Wow.

Your buddy Goodrich.

My family watches you every week. They think you're the greatest.

I know, I know, I know.

That's because on the show, I'm always standing next to those little runt

orphans.

That is good.

I can't believe this. Listen, Mr. Goodrich, after you move the car, can I

your autograph for my kids?

Nobody moves the car.

It stays where it is. You got that?

Officer Chubble?

Actually, that'd be Sergeant Chabot.

But seriously, Mr. Goodrich, the car has to be moved. So this is the thanks I

get for doing a charity gig.

I don't need this.

You know, I'm a big star.

Well, fine.

Then have your assistant move the car.

Oh, you don't get it.

That handicapped space is right by the state's door.

So, when I finish this... show, I can get out of this dump as fast as

Capisce?

Listen, Mr. Goodrich, if you don't move the car, I'm going to have to give you a

ticket and have you towed away.

You are going to do what? You heard me.

Look, you don't seem to understand.

I'm not moving the car, and you are not giving me a ticket. Am I getting

through?

You know, Mr. Goodrich, you ought not shove a police officer.

Oh, that was just tapping.

This is shoving. Now, you did that again.

Yeah.

I kind of enjoyed it.

I'm not going to tell you anymore.

Oh, you didn't like that? No. Then you're going to hate this.

Oh, Mr. Goodrich, you are under arrest for assaulting a police officer.

You have the right to remain silent.

You know, that was really dumb.

You are one first -class idiot.

Oh, really?

Well, if I'm so dumb, how come you're the one wearing the cuffs?

I'm now the Windy City's number one news guy, the award -winning Bruno Alvarez.

Hi, everybody.

I'm glad you're all home. I got something to tell you. Not now, Carl.

watching the news.

Did you hear? Some wacko cop arrested Buddy Goodrich.

Well, I'd like to talk to you about that. You see, what happened... Quiet,

No, no, I'm still performing tomorrow night.

Of course, after the way I was roughed up, the next time I come to town, I'll

remember to bring a stuntman.

He could still laugh at a time like this.

Look, I know what happened to Buddy Goodrich. Carl, please, we'd rather hear

from somebody who was there.

No, I don't know why this officer attacked me.

But my assistant, Roger, will verify that it was totally unprovoked.

And I just want you to know that I don't blame the city or the police

department.

There's only one person that I hold responsible.

One bad apple.

One... Rogue cop.

Officer Carl Winslow.

favorite dad?

How could you do this to me?

To you?

I know you wouldn't have arrested the man unless you had a good reason.

I want to hear this.

Look, I politely asked the man to move his car out of a handicapped spot, but

went crazy. He took a swing at me.

That's it?

That's plenty.

Look, just because the man is nice on TV does not mean that he's nice in person.

I didn't expect the kids to understand, but you understand me, Mama, don't you?

Oh, yeah, I understand.

You're in a tight spot, and you're choked.

Okay, Mama.

We believe you, Carl, don't we, Rachel?

Of course we do.

Carl, I love you. You're my brother -in -law. Why wouldn't I believe you?

Of course, you're not exactly Buddy Goodrich's biggest fan, and maybe you

down there with a chip on your shoulder, but basically, I believe you.

More or less.

picture of you, but then it wasn't a real good reason to be in the paper. But

hey, front page.

Are we going to eat soon?

I'll get it.

Judy Winslow, and that's my mother -in -law, Mrs. Winslow, and I think you know

my husband, Carl.

We've met.

You have a beautiful family, Carl.

Carl, how can you arrest a man who says you've got a beautiful family?

I just came over to say how sorry I am about what happened, and as a little

token of my feelings, I brought some tickets to my show tonight.

I'm sorry, Mr. Goodrich.

He's your father.

Thank you, Mr. Goodrich.

Thank you. Well, I understand what you're going through right now. And when

something like this gets into the press, well, there's no telling how they'll

blow it up.

Hi, I'm Rachel.

It's nice to meet you.

Again.

You know, I can only imagine how proud you must be of Carl. He has a very... He

has a very... difficult job, and he does it so well.

Oh, well, that's very nice of you to say, Mr. Goodrich. Thank you.

Now, I've always said that what separates us from the animals is that we

the ability to settle our differences peacefully.

Well, that and we know how to use chopsticks.

He kills me.

So, uh, Carl, do you think we could, uh, speak privately?

It'll just take a minute. Well, I... Okay,

we can go talk in the kitchen.

Well, hey.

Is that good?

Thanks for speaking with me.

Well, I appreciate what you said in front of my family.

It's all... Oh, true.

Oh. Look, I'd like to solve our little problem before I leave town. Isn't there

something we can do?

Sure. You could tell the truth, plead guilty, and pay your fine.

Yeah, that's an option.

It's not what I had in mind.

Well, it's the best I can do.

Don't be so hasty.

This will be a very tough case for you to win. I know. I date one of the

actresses on L .A. Law.

Well, you may be right, Mr. Goodrich, but I know what happened.

Carl, do you really want to take on America's favorite dad in front of a

Mr. Goodrich, would you get to the bottom line on this?

Okay.

I want you to come backstage after my show for a press conference.

You change your story, I'll praise you as a dedicated public servant, and we

both look good.

I can't do that, Mr. Goodrich.

You see, you assault a police officer.

That's not what my assistant is going to say on the witness stand.

He'll say that he saw the whole thing and you started it.

Oh, I see.

So what you're going to have him do is lie, commit perjury.

Those are such ugly words, Carl.

They're true, but still, they're very ugly.

Mr. Goodrich, I think it's time for you to go. I'll see you in court.

Oh, Carl.

Don't be so short -sighted.

Look, I've got an idea.

Just pitching here, but, um... What if we do an episode on my show about our

little incident, and I hired you as a technical advisor for a fee of, uh... $2

,000?

How's that sound?

Sounds like you're offering me a bribe. Ooh!

Bribe! Another ugly word.

I am trying to do you a favor.

What is your problem?

I'll tell you what my problem is, Mr. Goodrich.

I can't shave with my eyes closed.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that I have to look at myself every day in the mirror.

Sure, I'd like to get this thing over with.

But if I gave in to you, I couldn't face myself.

I couldn't face my kids either.

You see, Mr. Goodrich, I've always tried to teach them right from wrong.

I'm a good father.

And a good cop.

I don't back down when I know I'm right.

And I don't take bribes from the likes of you.

Now get out of my house.

Okay.

$3 ,000.

Get out.

Now.

Okay, but you are making a big mistake.

I am going to bury you in court.

Hey!

Everybody!

Rachel, right?

Right.

Well, uh... Gotta run.

Excuse me.

It was very nice meeting everyone.

The pleasure was all yours.

That's good.

So, uh, well, really, I really do have to run. Mr. Goodrich, uh, you forgot

something. You won't be needing these tickets.

You know...

I sure hope this is the last day of that Goodrich trial.

These last couple of weeks have been so tough on Carl. Yeah.

I hate the way he looks in those courtroom sketches.

Hi, everybody.

Hey. How did the Goodrich trial go?

It's over. They found him guilty.

Goodrich's assistant broke down on the witness stand and told the truth.

No. Goodrich found him on the spot.

idiot punched out his lawyer.

Is he going to jail? No, Mama. He has to pay a big fine and spend a hundred

hours picking up trash along the interstate.

I don't like that picking up garbage, honey. I love it.

Now, Rachel, that's not nice.

Mama's right, Rachel. You shouldn't take pleasure in someone else's misery.

Anybody for a slow drive along the interstate?