Original subtitles

No, no, no, no, no, no.

If I, I will.

You came just in time.

Aren't tan lines bad for a fetish model?

The fetish world is different than other kinds of modeling. Do you know that?

Maybe tan lines would be bad in your movies.

I'd still hire you if you had tan lines.

You'd really hire me to be in one of your movies?

Actually, no. I'm not comfortable with our roles changing.

But we're not dating.

Unless you're okay with that role changing.

Please. I'm old enough to be your boyfriend.

Put your hands behind your back.

You are going to pretend to be handcuffed.

Because the camera is facing us from that way and your hands are not in the

shot, you do not need to be handcuffed in real life.

That's okay. You can handcuff me.

That will not be necessary.

In this shot, we will begin with my hands on your hips.

They will wander. They will come up. I will fondle you.

And then we will kiss.

And what am I going to be doing?

Like the script says, you will be moaning, but you will not fight me.

Are you ready?

I guess.

Okay.

Action.

The camera isn't on.

The camera is on. I always have at least one camera on at all times.

Why?

Because sometimes magic happens when you least expect it.

But I thought this was a horror movie. You're going to perform magic tricks

Everything that we're going to do is stuff that you read in the script.

nothing surprising.

But there were no magic tricks in the script.

All right, you win.

I won't perform a magic trick.

Hands behind your back.

Remember, I'm your rapist. And action.

Kidnapped the right girl.

I bet you work out.

You knew you'd be raped, so you would want to be in shape so I wouldn't judge

you. And here we go. Haunted, you're horny. Oh, I am. I was horny before I

haunted you, but might as well get more horny, right?

There's no limit to how horny I can get.

And... Yeah.

Time for love, baby.

Sorry.

I knew there was no surprise. I wasn't supposed to touch her ass, but you

didn't.

Why... did you not make out with me?

Duh. You said that your character is a rapist. I wouldn't let someone stick his

tongue down my throat. You want this to be realistic, right?

We discussed this on the phone and in an email. The scene requires a kissing

scene and you agreed to it.

Yeah, but I don't understand why you want to kiss me.

I don't want to kiss you. My character wants to kiss you. So I'm supposed to

just let it happen?

Alright, you have a point.

When I first try to kiss you, let's change the script to you fighting it at

first. And then you realize, hey, he has a weapon. Maybe I should do what he

said. But I thought you're not supposed to change anything from the script.

I'm changing this for your benefit. You complained about it. Fine.

Shoulders started going up. I'm feeling stressful.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Don't make it harder than it is.

Oh, that's not sexual harassment. I was talking about difficult.

Certain words of direction to use. All right. Are you ready?

Hmm. Don't squeeze the Charmin.

Honky, if you're horny, I am so horny.

Honking, I'm honky honking you.

How are you going to kiss me from down there?

She asked me if she should fight my advances, and I said, at first, yes, but

then eventually let me do what I want.

Her hands are supposed to be tied up in the shot. You explained that in the

movie. I filmed a cut -in shot of another girl's hands close up, just

the bongs.

So you didn't ask her to do another take.

It took forever to get just that one shot done.

So I don't know if you know what the actress looks like.

Yeah, she's pretty hot.

Can I show you pictures?

No.

Well, when I told you that it's going to be a rape scene and stuff like that,

there's no penetration. I hope you know that.

So it's not porn.

It's really strange that...

She's professional. She should be here by now.

Yeah, well, she was here.

Yeah, so I don't really practice things with people. I usually tell them not to

memorize anything, and we sort of film our rehearsals.

Oh, okay.

So you get to see that.

Yeah.

Well, she kind of showed me her script a little bit, and I was reading it. It

was pretty good. Thanks.

Suggested maybe we should practice or rehearse a little bit.

So we did.

And she left.

She left after the practice?

Yeah. To get coffee?

Um, that's possible, but yeah, I don't, yeah.

She didn't seem too happy.

Why? Well, you know, she's not supposed to practice. You're not an actor.

You know, and she doesn't really say a lot. She just gets herself up and...

Yeah, I don't know what her problem was.

Did you touch her?

That's in the script.

Yeah, but in the rehearsals, you don't actually fondle when it says fondle.

It's only when the camera's rolling. Yeah, I didn't know that.

Why do you let idiots like that on set?

I don't have the budget for a crew, that's why I hire my friends for free.

are plenty of websites where you can hire crew for credit. They need

so they work for free.

Yes, but they would just gawk at the nude actresses and make them feel

uncomfortable. And how is that different from any of your idiot friends?

Don't answer.

Don't answer your question or don't answer the phone?

I don't have my glasses on, so I can't see who's calling. I'll just let it go

voicemail.

Hi, Bill.

See you later. It's been a while.

Listen, call me back. I have something to ask you, yeah?

917 -578 -7...

Whoever

it was left a voicemail. Can I listen to it? Go ahead.

I mean, I should be checking my phone for booking, but I turn my phone off

I'm hanging out socially.

I don't know. I just consider it basic manners, but I guess I'm old -fashioned.

I hate when people leave a voicemail message that just says, I have a

It's a voicemail.

Leave details.

That way I can research an answer for you when I call you back.

Excuse me?

I don't mean to bother you, but is your name Bill?

Yes, but you may call me husband.

I saw one of your films, Jesus, the Daughter of God.

Oh, yes.

I made that. Yes.

It was excellent.

I'm surprised I'm not catching you buying tampons.

Oh, I'm not buying tampons today.

I'm actually buying, oh, I bought snacks.

Let's observe tense, shall we? Past, present, future.

Those are the only ones, right? Yeah. I put tension in the tenses.

That should be the name of a movie.

But, yeah, I'm driving to Ohio, so I need snacks.

Healthy snacks.

I don't want any of that fast food. What is in Ohio? What's out there?

Oh, a horror convention.

See, a beginning filmmaker like me, even though I've been at this for 20 years,

I still have the status of a beginner filmmaker.

You never heard of me.

Oh, yeah, you did.

It's just a natural reaction. Nobody knows who I am. But I have to go to all

these horror conventions, much like an opening band is on tour with a bigger

band. People are there to see the bigger band, but sometimes they resonate with

the little bands.

Well, let me find my card.

Oh, I... I'm a lawyer.

You call me if you need representation, okay?

Aren't you going to wash your hands?

Why would I?

You've got piss on your hand.

It will dry.

Yeah, but aren't you worried about having piss on your hands? I mean...

Piss is a sterile fluid, plus it's my body fluid.

When I shake someone's hand, I give the piss. I don't take the piss, I give the

piss.

So, wait.

You want to rub other people's hands with piss? You've been to enough horror

conventions to know that assholes come up to me.

Yeah, but still do friends and fans.

Yes, but my friends don't shake my hands. When I first came to the

did you come up to me and shake my hand? No.

No? Hmm.

Shaking hands is a stupid social custom.

Simple nod or hello with a fight. Otherwise, you get an extra ingredient.

You've got a hand.

You're Phil.

I worked for a record label when you ran a magazine.

I still run a magazine. Oh, wow.

Wait a minute. You're a fan of my magazine. You don't know that that's

The URL was on every page.

Well, it's more like I knew of your magazine. The record label I worked for

fucking hated you.

Yeah, you don't really strike me as someone who reads a metal magazine.

No offense.

Okay. Well, anyway, I make movies. I'd be honored if you could take a look at

newest one.

Your record label's in Pennsylvania.

Do you live in Pennsylvania?

Yeah, I'm actually at the horror convention for the same reason you are.

Oh, are you staying in the hotel?

No, my girlfriend lives here in Ohio, so I'm staying with her.

I'll introduce you later. Her name is Erin.

Are you leaving now?

I have a few more trips, and then I go bye -bye. Back to Jersey.

I didn't get a chance to ask you. What are you working on next?

I might not be working on anything if I don't find people to be in the movie.

Why? What's wrong?

For the first time in my life, I have casting problems.

Why didn't you cast Weeping Wednesday?

You mean the screen queen from Enticement Entertainment?

Yeah, she hasn't done anything in a while. Maybe you can launch her

Her name is Jill. I met her socially a long time ago.

Really? You're friends with her?

Well, we've hung out a little bit here and there over the years.

Oh, wow.

I would give anything to hang out with her.

Are you back from the convention?

No, I'm at a rest stop.

Oh, wait, there's a call on the other line. It might be an actress calling

the new movie. Hold on.

Bill speaking.

Hi, this is Laura from Gimeo. You uploaded some videos that might be in

jeopardy. Why? Because of the nudity?

No. Did you ever film an actress named Yelena

Hagen?

Oh, fuck. Did she call you?

No.

Her lawyer got in contact with us, claiming that you have no authority to

her name or her performance.

That's okay. I don't mind being ignored.

That flake, Yelena, hired a lawyer.

One of the streaming channels just called me. The lawyer wants them to

all movies that has Yelena in them.

Something must have changed in her life for her to be doing that. Why would she

be okay with the movies for a decade and then suddenly have a problem with them?

Where are you?

I parked near the bus stop. Are you there?

I don't know where I am.

Did you get off at the stop?

I don't know. Can you just come get me?

There should be a street sign on the corner. What does it say?

What corner?

I'm not at a corner.

Are you in Clifton?

I don't know.

How long were you on the bus?

An hour.

You live two hours away. How can you possibly think you're in Clifton?

I got on the wrong bus.

You didn't get on the 190?

No, I got on the 190 Express.

That's the same bus. Why did you get off?

I wasn't sure that I got off at the stop you said, so I got off here so you can

pick me up.

The Clifton Ave and Main Ave corner is a main stop of all buses.

Why didn't you talk to the bus driver?

He looked unfriendly.

You were supposed to call me as soon as you boarded.

Hello? Are you on your way?

On my way to where? I don't know where you are.

At the bus stop, duh.

Is this the King of B -movies?

That bitch and her lawyer sent me a cease and desist letter.

Oh boy, what did it say?

It says, we represent Yelena Hagen, the cunt. It has come to our attention that

you have been improperly inserting her name and image on several of your

productions and websites.

She's mad about movies being re -edited?

But your release form takes care of that, doesn't it? Yes, and the release

also allows me to use the name, likeness, and performance for any movie

ever make, even if it's called Yelena is a twat.

Dude, is that you?

That depends on who you are.

It's Jill.

What is this about a movie?

I don't know if you would consider my movies to be too low budget, but the

movies do have wide distribution.

Well, my day rate is $1 ,000.

Whoa, I thought I was being generous by paying $300.

How is that being generous?

The union rate is $150 for a day, and I pay $300, so that's double, and I'm not

even union.

But it's pointless to talk about this because I can't justify paying someone

,000 unless that person...

Films for four days.

Well, how much can you pay?

I can't pay anyone more than $300, because if the other cast members find

about it, they'll get angry.

Why would they get angry?

No offense, but the other women are a lot younger than you are, and some of

have big fan bases.

Hindsight is 20 -20. Do you see the red flags with Yelena in the past?

No. Do you have a question?

Uh, sure. Why?

Can you change my name in the movie for the credit?

The one that we did last year?

You want me to change your name in a movie that's been out in stores for one

year? Yeah. What other movies have we been in together?

Do you really think that I could tell my distributor to just recall all the

movies and then take another month to re -edit and replicate another batch?

Would it really take a whole month? Is there anything we can do to get it done

faster?

When a movie is released, that's it. It's done.

We're stuck with whatever's out there.

But why would you want to change your name anyway?

Well, I joined SAG, so they have this stupid rule where you can't have a name

that somebody else already has.

You're in SAG now? This is a non -union movie.

I know. You're low budget.

It doesn't matter.

Well, I'm not the one who's going to get in trouble.

Anyway, what's your new name going to be?

Elena.

But that sounds like Yelena.

I know. I want my friends to be able to recognize my name. Wait, Elena is your

tag name?

Yes. So can you please use it for this movie, and can you also please use it

the last movie?

Do you remember anything else that was odd?

Perfect. That's exactly the kind of lingerie that I wanted in the scene.

What other kind of lingerie is there?

Sometimes actresses respond to casting calls for bikini shots, and they come to

the set wearing boy shorts or bathing suits for their grandmother's war.

They intentionally misinterpret vague terms like lingerie or bikini.

What do you mean misinterpret?

The girl whom you're replacing wore a huge silk dress that covered everything

from her neck to her ankles.

Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Do you want me to take the pantyhose off my ankles?

Did she want you to compliment her?

If a director told me that I looked hot, I'd know I'm not in a professional

environment.

In this shot, my character is going to walk over to you. And then he rapes me?

No, he's going to deliver some scary line because he wants to build fear in

Who? Me.

Oh, so you want me to act afraid?

Okay, I'll act afraid then.

Should I be more afraid that he's going to hurt me, or should I be more afraid

that I'm going to get pregnant?

We'll let the viewer guess what your expressions mean.

By the way, where were you born?

Oh, no, no, we're not rolling, so don't be afraid now.

I'm not afraid.

Don't know why you think I'd have an accent.

Maybe I'm just hearing things.

I can't have an accent.

I paid a professional thousands of dollars to remove any trace of one.

The more I hear, the less sorry I feel for you.

Seriously, why are you surprised that she wants to sue you?

Before I call action, please put your hands behind your back like this.

Why? It's unnatural.

You're going to pretend that you're tied up.

But if you're the killer, then you're going to know I'm faking it.

You're pretending for the benefit of the viewer, not for me.

We can't see your hands because the camera's not going to be behind you.

Well, how am I supposed to know where the camera is?

Alright, I will tell you where the camera is.

You didn't last time.

I'm sorry about that.

But in this shot, my character is going to make out with you.

Whoa. What's wrong?

You're talking like a schizophrenic. Just say that you're going to make out

me. Because if you talk like if your character is going to make out with me,

then that sounds a little crazy.

Multiple personality disorder is not schizophrenia.

You're funny when you pretend like you know what you're talking about.

Schizophrenia is not a disorder.

Okay, after we kiss, I'm going to use a knife to cut your bra off. It'll be a

real knife.

Do you feel okay with that? Because I can change the way we film if you feel

unsafe.

No, I don't care about nudity.

Actually, sometimes I even forget that I have breasts.

The cameras have been rolling.

They're over there.

Let's just do the shot, shall we?

I don't see the knife.

I'll get the knife after the kiss.

Filming is about hooking up, yeah?

Let's do it.

Hands behind your back because you're tied.

Are you ready?

I'm getting the knife to cut off your bra.

What?

When do we film the shot?

We're filming the shot right now. You interrupted it.

Oh.

I didn't have to kiss you.

You're kissing my character, not me.

Seriously, are you schizophrenic or were you joking?

You're a slut.

I told you many times that kissing in the movie feels weird, not sexy.

Sure, I bet you hate it.

I know it sounds strange, but if I'm attracted to a co -star in real life, I

can't kiss her in a scene.

The girls in your movies are pretty hot.

They are attractive, but there is no chemistry.

Why don't you just sign me up in real life?

Movies are illusions.

We don't have to do it the real way. Like in the previous scene, when you

simulated that a carrot was...

being stuck into your anus, the carrot never actually went into your anus.

Yes, but that is not an illusion.

An illusion would be if the people saw the carrot going into my anus.

Bill, you need to think a little bit more about how you do these films

you will be embarrassed when the smart people like me point out your mistakes.

I'm trying to get my movies better distribution so we can't show anus. But

far as tying you up, that's not the focus of the shot.

That's what separates the drama of my movie from pervert movies.

Pervert movies?

Yes, there are guys who are more concerned about the Nazis than they are

the girls. I call them Nazis.

I don't want to be in a Nazi movie.

You should have told me you were into that kind of stuff.

I'm not a Nazi. I'm a Slav. Hitler hated my people.

We're going to be the Slaverates if he wants.

Good.

Don't want to ruin my career by being in a Nazi movie.

Your co -star is arriving in a couple of hours. Until then, let's shoot the

shots that don't include her.

In this scene, has she raped me already?

Not yet.

She just tormented you sexually with carrots and other items so that you feel

humiliated and so that you know that she's in charge.

As long as you resist, she'll keep hurting you.

When you finally have sex, she wants you to be submissive. So this scene is

about breaking your spirit.

Okay. So what do I do?

I'm going to read off camera, pretend that my voice is hers.

When I call action, pretend that you see her walking toward you, saying these

things, and react as your character would.

Ready?

Cameras are rolling.

Okay, you see the door opening and...

Mr.

Adol, I thought you were going to read.

You weren't supposed to say anything.

You told me to improvise.

Okay, but this time don't say anything back.

I just want facial expressions, okay?

You can start out mad because your ass hurts, or you can start out scared.

It's up to you.

Just make appropriate facial expressions based on what you know about your

character. When I read the stuff from the paper, I can't see what you're

so just improvise based on what you hear me say, but face the camera over there,

okay?

And make me proud.

You're hired as an actress. Be an actress.

React to this.

Action.

Okay. You see the door opens, and it's her, your tormentor. She has a bag

with her. She pulls out a large vibrator. She clicks it on, and you hear

noise. She smiles as she pours lubricant on it.

She says,

You have been a bad girl, and I shouldn't make this easier for you, but

want to tear your vagina until I fuck you with a strap -on.

Maybe after that, you will beg me to have normal lesbian sex.

Cut.

How'd you feel about that shot?

I think it was great. I mean, if you wanted to do one for safety, it's cool

me, but I think we got it.

Well, since it's such an easy shot... Let's come back to it after we film the

more challenging footage.

Okay. So what's next?

Your tormentor takes your bra off.

She'll be in the long shot when she's here.

And when we film right now, we can just have a close -up of your breath being

exposed.

Oy, about that. I'm not going to be doing nude scenes anymore.

We've been filming for two days. Don't you think you should have said that

before you accepted the role?

We didn't get to the sex scenes yet, so why would I have any reason to bring it

up?

Hello?

Hey, I just need to make sure I pack everything for the shoot tomorrow.

You don't really need to bring much.

But seriously, what do I need to bring?

I have a white bra, but no white bottoms.

You don't need a bra.

Why? Are you bringing one for me?

No, your character's topless.

What?

When you emailed me, you said there wouldn't be any nudity.

I never wrote that. I stated that there won't be any sex, but there'll be

exploitation. You're an exploitation actress.

I wouldn't have agreed to do this if I knew there'd be nudity.

Especially when I'm dropping my day rate so low.

You had the script for two weeks. How could you miss such an important part?

Your character just wears a thong.

I don't own a thong.

Why would you wait until the night before the shoot to ask me what the

is? Actually, why would you even ask me what the wardrobe is? It's in the

script. I also forgot to tell you, I don't have long hair anymore.

What does your hair look like?

I think that maybe I should wear a wig if I'm playing a character from the

1920s.

I have a bob. It's really cute.

Are you bald?

No. Then why would you wear a wig of short hair?

Is your real hair shorter than a bob?

It depends on what side you're on.

But I usually wear wigs anyway, since real hair is hard to manage.

If you're going to wear a wig, it has to be feminine.

Oh, so are you okay with a white bra?

No, the scenes are going to be filmed as written. I didn't make the mistake, you

did. Oh, so you want to cancel tomorrow?

That is up to you.

Hey, is everything set for tomorrow?

It may not happen. Do you see why I told you not to make any announcements?

What happened?

She was under the impression that the scenes had no nudity.

Really?

She's been naked in everything she's ever done.

This is why I discuss everything in email.

Everything is saved and counts as proof.

Nothing can be argued.

So why did she quit?

Oh, wait, wait. Call waiting.

That might be her.

You were right.

Are we still on for tomorrow?

Does this week look okay? I can't tell, I don't have a mirror.

It's fine.

Listen, before we start, can you say hello to my benefactor on camera?

Benefactor?

Yes, about a year ago, some guy sent me a check for $50 ,000.

At first I thought it was a joke, so I asked why.

Why am I getting all this money?

Maybe he wanted to have sex with you.

No, no, I was just wondering if the source of that money was illegal.

Was it?

No, the guy inherited a lot of money and he just wanted to send me some because

he was afraid that I would stop making movies.

You know, they don't really look that great.

Is he meeting us here?

No, he lives in Colorado.

I just want to videotape your hello and I'll send it to him. He's not expecting

it.

It'd be a nice surprise.

Do I have to be naked?

How did filming with your celebrity go?

She came two hours late, but we managed to film everything that we were supposed

to film, so yes, I am happy.

Good. Maybe your luck is changing.

Hey, I have a call on the other line. Can you hold on a second?

Do you think there'll be a screening party for this in New Jersey?

I haven't decided. Why?

Would you really drive eight hours just to see a movie?

If Jill attends, then yes.

I'm impressed. You actually showed up.

Could I borrow $20?

I am paying you $100 at the end of the night.

Remember?

Yeah, but my boyfriend's at the gas station. We got here on fumes.

You need money for gas?

Yeah. What else would I need it for?

But if he's at the gas station, how is he gassing up if you have no money for

gas?

No, no. I meant that he will buy gas.

Oh, in that case...

I would like you to do me a favor. Can you please be extra nice to this guy

named Noah?

He drove all the way from Ohio to meet you.

Oh, yeah.

You were telling me about him.

I was?

Well, anyway, if I was, then you'd know that he owns all of your movies. He's a

huge fan.

He would appreciate it even if you spent a minute with him. Can you do that?

Yeah, yeah, no problem.

Are you okay?

Do I know you?

I'm Erin, Joe's girlfriend.

We met last night.

We did?

Wait, you drove all the way from Ohio to see my movie?

No, I drove to Philly to hang out with my boyfriend, and then he suggested we

drive to New Jersey to support you.

Where is he?

He's looking for his keys.

Hey!

Thanks for the support.

What did you think of the movie?

I loved it. I actually thought it was one of your best ones yet.

Thanks. I like your movie, too.

The one that you gave me in Ohio.

Thank you. I went to film school. I guess all those student loans are

paying off.

That must be why your movie looks so good.

I tried.

Hey, by the way, did you pass out?

I actually don't know what happened.

I'm accident prone, so maybe I went out to the car to get something, fell, and

that's where... I guess I didn't pass... I don't pass out.

I guess we all got pretty messed up last night.

You... Don't remember talking to us?

No, but don't judge me.

I am a beer guy.

People were buying me shots. I remember that much.

Dead things happen when I drink hard liquor.

You get into fights?

No, I get into love.

I can't find my fat friend from Ohio.

His name's Noah. I'm not sure if I introduced you.

Ooh. Yeah.

Big fat Noah.

Yes. He left with that hot chick.

Um, what the fuck was her name?

Amanda... Marie... No, it was something with a T. Tara. Tara.

I think it was Tara.

She's in the movie.

No, the only girl in the movie is Jill.

Jill. That's it. Jill. Jill. Jill. Had to be Jill.

I remember Jill.

They left.

They left? Were they mad at what they saw?

I don't think they saw anything. They left before the thing started.

Hey, Jill's in my hotel room taking a shower.

What's she doing in your hotel room?

Oh, well, it's a different hotel room than the one I was in last night because

even though I told her not to, she lit a cigarette and set off the fire alarms

and then I was fined $300 and kicked out of the room.

That's not what I mean. She lives close.

There's no reason for her to stay at a hotel.

Well, she asked me if I would give her...

a ride to meet a friend.

We drove through a very bad neighborhood.

But when I saw her friend, it made me admire her even more.

Who would think that the prettiest scream queen would be friends with a

-stricken black man?

Did you talk to him?

No. She asked me to wait in the car while she went into this dilapidated

building with her friend.

And when she came back out, she was really tired and asked if there was

someplace that she could lie down.

Does that mean that you missed the screening?

Yes, but I got so much more than I came for.

I never thought in my whole life that I'd ever get to meet her. And then I got

to sleep with her.

In the same bed.

So why are you calling me now?

Aren't you supposed to scrub her back or something?

Actually, I was calling...

to ask if you could come pick her up.

She doesn't know where she parked her car, and I can't spend any more time in

Jersey. If I leave right now, I can make it just in time for my overnight shift

at work.

Why are you not using your screen name anymore?

Is it because you want to separate yourself from the movies you made with

Enticement Entertainment?

That movie company got pissed at me that I wouldn't sign another exclusivity

contract with them.

They threatened to sue me if I made movies for other people using my old

name.

Enticement Entertainment is a bunch of greedy assholes.

They were making me cry on a weekly basis.

Really? They abused you?

Hell yeah. They were like pimps.

They were constantly making me feel like shit.

What about your ex -boyfriend? I met you because of him.

That guy was a predator.

Did you know he used to beat me up all the time?

But he's wimpy.

Well, he knew how to find someone's weaknesses.

Hmm. How much did he pay you?

He never paid me.

Really? I noticed that when you started getting popular in New Jersey, that

Enticement Entertainment put out the movies that he made under their name on

DVD.

Yeah. He sold them all the stuff that he ever shot with me.

They gave him $40 ,000.

What did you get?

Nothing. Not a dime.

Listen, there are a lot of rumors about you, but I've never heard any of the

stuff that you said.

Let me make a documentary about you.

Are you kidding?

They'd sue me.

You have to stop letting people bully you. Litigation is nothing more than two

people trying to intimidate each other.

I know that a cease and desist isn't a court order.

I don't have to answer it.

Am I correct in assuming that she has no case and the lawyer's strategy is just

to be a nuisance until I decide to do what she asked me to do?

It looks that way.

I looked into her lawyer's background.

The firm doesn't even deal in entertainment law.

She's probably doing it pro bono. I bet the lawyer is a friend of the girl.

I read somewhere that a lawyer is supposed to represent the truth, yet

lawyer filed a claim without doing any research. If there was any research

it would have revealed...

that the actress who worked for me signed release forms.

I read that a lawyer can get into a lot of trouble for, um, what's the word, uh,

being, um, it's on the tip of my toenail, um,

unscrupulous. I know what you're saying, but don't threaten the lawyer with

that. We take such things very seriously.

So what am I supposed to do, ignore the whole thing?

Just send them... copies of the lease forms and explain that all their

will be answered.

Is this Mr.

Beezle Bub?

Who is this?

This is Shelly Jacobson with the Schnuck Law Firm.

If you want to file a claim, then do so.

But if you continue to be a nuisance in the hope of wearing me down, then I will

be the one who files a claim.

I'm just calling to see how we can work together so that everybody can be happy.

What I'm hearing is that you took Elena's word. She didn't tell you that

signed release forms. Guess what? She signed release forms. You have nothing.

I'm just asking you to do the right thing.

I've always done the right thing. It's you who've done the wrong thing. A

is supposed to represent the truth.

I'm referring to an innocent young girl who made bad decisions and is now just

trying to move forward in a new career.

Yelena was not innocent back then, and I have the behind -the -scenes footage to

prove it, in case you're thinking about fabricating some image of her. And she

sure as hell is not innocent now.

So what can we do to make things right? You don't need to have her name and

picture on your website, do you?

It's none of your business what I need, but I can assure you that no one is

going to buy a movie based on her image.

Then why don't you just remove her pictures from the site?

Because I post pictures and names of all cast members in all movies on my

website. It's an archive, a history of Bill's movies.

I have these rights in perpetuity.

And I'm not going to take anything down, especially after you threaten me.

I am just trying to appeal to your sense of decency. How could a person with no

decency ask me to be decent?

You sent a cease and desist letter without checking the facts.

What's it going to take to get her pictures and her name removed?

Listen, I'm angry and I'm going to stay angry for a while.

Call me back after I have a chance to cool off.

Okay, so I will call you next week.

It's going to take a lot longer than that for me to cool off. But what you

do in the meantime is to contact every person whom you ever threatened with a

litigation and offer a written apology.

And I want to be copied.

Hey.

Are you coming to the convention in Akron? Because that's near my house.

Yes, I made the announcement on my website.

Is there any chance that Jill could sit at your table? I'll pay for her airfare,

and she can stay at my house. You won't have to pay for her hotel room.

I already have two actresses going. Each will have one day.

But the convention is three days.

Hotels usually have a cart, but they're all taken by selfish people.

What are you doing here on a Friday?

Erin's not going to be at my table until Sunday.

Yeah, I know. She's sorry for her mistake.

She's glad you gave her at least a day, even if it's Sunday.

I bet you can't wait until Sunday.

Actually, Jill's at my house right now taking a shower.

Why? She wanted to freshen up. Freshen up for what?

Oh, I found another director who would let her sit at his table on Friday and

Saturday.

And I ran into Matt, and I told him.

I knew that you got him that distribution deal.

He admitted it.

Yeah, he admitted that, but he's fooling people with his new movie. It's on a

DVD -R, not a DVD, but it's packaged as if it's a DVD.

So don't be fooled into buying one.

Too late. I bought one a few weeks ago.

How is it?

He tried to copy your rape horror.

And he probably used fat girls or crack whores because he doesn't pay anything.

Actually, he's Aaron Gray.

Aaron Gray as in Joe Blow's girlfriend, Aaron Gray? Yeah.

Seems like such a sweet girl. I never would have thought I'd see her naked.

She didn't really strike me as that type of girl either.

Yeah, but she wanted to get known for horror, which that's why she, you know,

did Matt's movie for free.

Thank you for helping me out. I'm just going to brush my teeth before I set up

the booth.

What? or to kill two birds with one stone?

You could kill your bad best friends with whiskey and then you would be a bit

more fun when you talk to people at your table.

I cannot drink hard liquor.

Yeah, right.

Beer is the only safe alcohol that I could drink. If I drink hard liquor, I

in love.

Oh, do tell.

You don't need alcohol to find me attractive?

Well, how about we both drink and we see what happens?

I might have whiskey dick.

What? Can I help you?

Oh, I had a little bit too much to drink.

I just need a couple of minutes.

The show's about to begin.

The public will be coming in any minute now.

Oh, I should get to my table then.

Wait, are you famous?

Well, I'm not Marilyn Monroe.

Folks mostly know me as Ilsa.

I wore an Ilsa t -shirt and I thought people would love it, but people were

judging me for it because you wore a swastika armband.

They didn't know what Nazi exploitation was or the Ilse movies.

I thought everybody knew who Ilse was.

But maybe you could tell me what is Nazi exploitation.

That's hard. Do you have a comment on that?

Yeah, it's an actor acts.

And you are an actor. You were offered the part.

And the rest was history.

And I must say that... People very often think because of the characters you do

that you are the character.

They forget that you're a totally different person. But you have to become

character. And an actress or actor who doesn't just get into the part,

you don't be you. You have to be the character. That doesn't mean you are the

character only for the sake of performing. You try to be the best

can be.

So I understand that if they haven't seen it, why they would think that,

is why on a lot of the pictures we have whited out the swastika sign

and the sign next to it or over it, only so that we're not

out to promote anything of a negative source.

We're not into politics, but we certainly, out of all the films that

done, she was meant to be a soldier of fortune. And the fact that she's

portraying Ilsa Koch, a real -life character, it would be appropriate that

swastika has to be there because this was not a lady of peace.

She created heinous crimes.

In answer to what you're saying, yes, I know there are those who don't, but it's

our chance to either educate them or not.

Well, I thought in Nazi exploitation, it didn't glorify Nazis because all the

bad people get their just desserts.

That's the fun of it.

We were laughing the other day.

Do I live through the end of every film?

No, they get her, they kill her one way or another. It's time for her to make

dinner.

It is really funny.

They're showing a thing called Point of Terror this weekend here at the show at

Cinema Wasteland. And in that film, I also die.

And I've been dying in everything I ever did.

And the Star Trek episode that I did, A Piece of the Action, the first season it

was out, in that one, you see me there with a gun. And they used to kid me on

the set and say, are you going to put that to your head when we leave?

Is it true that Elsa was shot on the set of Hogan's Heroes?

Yeah, yeah, it was. And unfortunately, nothing could ever be shot there again

because they did blow it up. The answer to your question is yes, it was Hokie

Zero. Oh, right on.

Excuse me.

I know you've got an appointment.

I know you're getting to be late for that appointment, and so I'm going to

you. You think you might just stand up for me? Sure. And I'm going to give you

little help out of here because I can tell you want to go. Okay. You really

to get out. All right. Make a right turn. All right. That's the other way.

you. All right, thank you. You know what? Whoa!

Did you see my underwear?

I didn't.

What I do want to know is, why did you try to make out with Elsa?

Me? Yes, you.

Oh, you saw that?

Yes. I'm sorry, I'm going to make you jealous. I told you that if I drink hard

liquor, I fall in love.

Well, she's a lot older than you are.

Yeah, but when she talked about the Elsa movies, I stopped seeing the movie, the

woman from the movie.

I stopped.

I saw the movie.

I saw the woman in the movies in my imagination, not the woman of today.

Because I, me, myself, and I, we're a group.

I, and me, and myself, can see a woman's soul, not just her

body.

Okay, but if you try to kiss anyone else, you're probably going to get

up.

Can I tell you a secret?

Sure.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're doing your own.

Bill, that is just the whiskey that's making you love me.

It's so hot when you talk like that. That's why I'm attracted to you. I'm

serious. Please, can you stay in here and behave, please?

But I love you.

Bill, seriously.

Are you taller than I am?

If you say you love me, prove it, and please be a good boy and go sit on the

bed. You are wearing heels.

That means you want me to notice.

Will you please go sit on the bed?

Alright, I don't want to be dehydrated.

Although, I shouldn't drink too much water, because by the time I did that, I

peed the bed.

Are you sleeping in the bed with me?

No.

Can you get me the water on the bed? Not the water bed. The water on the bed.

Can you get me the water on the bed? It's right over there.

Right over where?

I don't see any water.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I was trying to steal a kiss because I'm romantic.

I know how to seduce.

I'm a seduce bag.

Bill, Bill, there's no one at your table right now.

Do you want me to keep wasting time up here with you, or do you want people to

shoplift? I just want you. That's why I'm mimicking your actions.

Whatever.

Hi Aaron, it's Bill.

I got a number from a friend of mine. I hope you don't mind me calling you.

No, not at all. What's up?

I heard that you want to be known in the movie world and I can help you with

that. So I can pay for you to come to New Jersey and we can film here, maybe

after you visit Joe in Philadelphia.

You want me to be in one of your movies?

Yes, you were in Matt's movie and I know he doesn't pay anything.

I'll pay you $300 a day.

Do you have a script that I can read?

I don't know if I can do some of the other things I've seen other girls do.

Remember, I have a boyfriend.

I would never ask you to do anything that would make you uncomfortable.

Well, I'll think about it and I'll let you know.

How was the weekend?

Overall, it was a big success. I gave Jill Sunday, but big surprise, she came

five hours late.

Did she give a reason?

I didn't ask. I'm actually happy about that.

She gets paid half of what she sells, so if she comes in an hour before the room

closes, I actually make more money because I don't have to split anything

her. Did she make up for her lateness by selling a lot of movies?

She sold two movies.

She's absolutely the worst person I've ever had behind the table.

That's unbelievable.

Well, I guess it's true that she's not known outside of the New Jersey

convention.

Well, she's got a stupid haircut, so even if someone had seen one of her

she's completely unrecognizable today.

She should have worn a wig.

It wouldn't have made a difference. She just sat behind the table like a zombie.

Do you want to walk me through this shot?

We're going to be filming out of sequence.

In the previous shot, which we've not filmed yet, I was tending to my bees

because I'm the beekeeper of the concentration camp.

Your character approached me, and when I asked, what do you want?

You said, none of your beeswax.

And then I arrested you and brought you here for your punishment.

Are you going to tuck your hair in?

No. But Nazis don't have long hair.

Well, prisoners don't look like you either.

So we're not going for any kind of historical accuracy.

No, Nazi exploitation is about the kinky abuse of women.

Everything else is secondary.

So are you going to handcuff me or do I just let you rape me?

The assumption is that you're a prisoner who's been raped many times all over

the place.

So you come to terms with your status in life.

Mm -hmm. That is, until you and other prisoners turn the tables on the Nazis.

But I thought that bondage was supposed to be a part of these things.

Oh, you're referencing being handcuffed?

I've got other actresses who are hired for those things.

You will satisfy the good old -fashioned nipple -licking and fondling.

Okay, so just hop on there and get ready for me to rape you doggy style.

All four.

Actually, can you lay flat on your stomach?

Sure, no problem.

Actually, on your side.

Are we going to do that?

And fork.

I've always wanted to fork you. I'm sorry. Clap my hand. I'm only saying

because we're friends.

You know what?

I think you being on your back is the best.

And lower your right leg.

Perfect. Just stay like that.

You know I'm dating Joe Blow, right?

I might have to fight him.

Why?

He's been spreading rumors about me.

Oh, he's just jealous.

Is he jealous that I'm more successful than he is, or is he jealous of the

in my movies?

I think it's both, because he thinks that you try to sleep with all the women

your movies, and he tries to sleep with all the women in his movies.

I actually try to hire his girlfriend, Erin.

Oh, he cheats on her all the time. But he doesn't even let her talk to other

guys. What an asshole.

I know, Aaron.

And I know what Joe said to her.

What did he say?

When she asked if she could be in one of your movies, he said, don't you see how

he treats his girls?

Why would he say something like that?

You know why.

But he's the one who abuses women, not me.

Why do you think I left him? A girl can only take so much.

Hello?

Hey, I have some good news. I decided to let you run my table in Cleveland.

Why can't you come?

I can come, but I decided that giving you a table would be a great way of

thanking you for all of your help.

Wow. I don't know what to say.

Hello, Bill.

Hey, I heard you dated Joe Blow. Is he the guy who talked you into trying to

kill yourself?

Why are you asking me that?

I've heard some bad things about him.

Well, that must be because he's a bad guy.

Do you know his girlfriend, Erin? What about her?

I heard that she wanted to get into acting and offered her a role, but she

me off.

I found out that Joe told her that I mistreat my actresses. You have to

understand that Joe flirts with everybody and he tries to fuck the girls

movies.

He assumes that directors are like that and he's just trying to protect his

property.

Hi, this is Laura from Gimmeo.

We have to delete your account because you violated the terms of service.

Can you give me more details?

You uploaded sexual content, which is expressly forbidden.

Listen, you might be new there.

Look into my account history.

You'll find that I successfully defended my movies in the past.

What do you mean?

What I mean is I don't want to have the same stupid hassle every time there's a

new employee who has a little too much time and goes looking into movies she

doesn't understand.

Don't you have some sort of record?

that has all our past disagreements and how they were always resolved in my

favor. All I see is that you are in violation and we're just going to refund

everyone who paid for your movies for the last month.

Are you not hearing me? You can't terminate my account just because you

personally have a hair up your ass.

You're supposed to be relaxing.

I can't believe that it's Saturday and I didn't hear from Noah yet.

My calls go straight to his voicemail, and yes, I left detailed messages

instructing him to call me back.

Sounds like he's ducking you.

Thank you. I thought I was being paranoid for a second.

I understand that one can be busy during convention hours, but there's plenty of

time to call me before going to sleep or while making khaki.

Well, is there anyone at the convention who can check things out for you?

Yes, yes, there's a staff member.

He was in my last movie. He's there.

Okay. But I don't have his number.

Okay, does he have, like, a social media page?

I could message him.

Yeah, this is Blade.

Hey, your friend Melissa messaged me to call you.

Have you been at my table?

Yeah, every time I walk by the table, it was swarmed with people.

Well, that's good news. Can you do me a favor and take a picture of my table and

then send it over to my friend Melissa? Because my phone is not smart.

Your phone can't receive pictures.

You got it. And then can you take a picture of Melissa and send it to me?

Your table looks the same as when he set up in New Jersey.

You're the queen of vampires.

You're thousands of years old, but your body appears to be the same age as when

you were transformed.

But how old am I really?

You're thousands of years old.

And why did I choose you to be my lover?

That's not important now. You can find out when you watch the movie.

Yes, but I need to know so that I can figure out how to play my character.

Don't worry.

I'll direct you.

I just think it's so weird that you don't ask actors to pre -memorize.

That's because I film quickly.

You memorize only the amount of scripts that's for the one shot.

Once that's done, you memorize the next part while I set the camera.

So then why wasn't I memorizing while you were setting up the shot?

Good point.

Thanks. The shots are numbered.

Memorize only shot number one.

My character doesn't know that you're a vampire.

You recite a poem to me because it is dear to you, and it shows how alluring

can be by seducing me with dark words instead of knocking one. Yep, okay. Got

it.

Wow, you memorized that fast.

I should have never stopped working with you.

Alright, Leia, you're back.

Oh, great.

And, hmm.

Now bend your knee, your left knee. Bend it a little so you look more like

you're relaxing rather than getting prepped for surgery.

But if I'm undead, shouldn't I lay like a corpse?

No, no, no. Do it.

You don't want my character to know that you're undead.

Let it finish.

You're going to say the word, hoping that you bear enough sadness to resonate

with my sorrow.

Otherwise, there could be no love between us.

Got it. So I'm saying this to your character.

You're saying it more to yourself.

So don't look at me. Say it as if you're remembering the words to a sad song.

And action your asshole.

Oh no, my Rose.

Even though you are sick.

Cut.

What's wrong?

The words are, Oh Rose, thou art sick.

Huh?

You pronounced though incorrectly.

It's not though, it's thou. It's old English. It means you.

Why would I use such a stupid word?

It's not stupid. You are an ancient spirit.

You represent the beauty that was lost in the centuries.

You are a symbol for art.

Something that is dying in this modern world of slang and consumerism. Wouldn't

it be better if I said a word that people can actually understand?

The people who watch my movies will understand. I don't dumb down my script.

My fan base is more educated than the average viewer.

Okay. Fine.

Whatever.

Let's go.

Okay, the camera's still rolling, so... Go!

Why aren't you doing anything?

You didn't say action.

Action!

Oh, my rose!

Even though art is... Wait, shouldn't it be my art?

Art means are.

Like, you art what you eateth. Don't you mean though? Though art what though

eats? It's pronounced thou.

Sounds stupid.

Please just say it the way that it would have written.

Whatever. Ready.

Action.

Oh, my rose, even though art is thick.

It's, oh, rose, thou art thick.

It's a short sentence. You keep adding words.

Ready. Action.

Oh, my rose, even though art is thick. Oh, Rose, thou art

thick.

Oh, my Rose, even though art is thick.

This is the stupidest line I have ever said. It makes no goddamn sense.

Let's try another way.

Don't think of the meaning. Just consider the words to be nonsense

Humans can remember seven chunks of information quickly.

I'm asking you to just memorize five.

What do you mean, chunks?

Listen, it's just five words.

Don't think about what they mean. If I gave you a list of five words that have

nothing to do with each other, you can still remember them easily.

Do the same thing with this.

Just pretend that you're reading a list of words.

No, thank you. I'll memorize my own way.

Your way is not working. Try it this way.

Average people can remember seven chunks.

Surely you can remember five.

My brother is a neuroscientist, and I'm going to tell him you said that.

Good. If I'm wrong, tell me, but for now, please, do it my way.

Fine.

Action.

Oh, my rose, even though art is thick.

I have an idea.

We'll do this in little pieces, and when you have mastered them all, we'll film

one shot of you doing it. A master shot.

Good idea. You know, you really should be focused on the progress.

For the next shot, you're going to sit up and bring your knees to your chest.

It will look natural, but this gesture is calculated to entice.

Like this?

Exactly. When you sit, you say...

The invisible worm that flies in the night in the howling storm.

Holy crap!

Again, don't think about the meaning.

Just say the words.

You said you memorized them, right?

Of course.

Okay. Pretend that the other line was said correctly. We're picking it up from

here. And ask me your answer.

In the night, the invisible worm howls.

Cut! That's not the correct order of the words. You said I could change them to

fit how I speak naturally.

I wrote that in an email days ago.

You were supposed to read the script and then suggest to me the changes that you

would make.

And those would be written into the script before we actually film.

Well, that's what I'm doing now.

I meant for you to do that before the script was finalized. It's not something

to do on the spur of the moment.

Oh, well, you should have said that before.

I said exactly that in the email.

Okay, fine. If you want to be stubborn and ruin the movie, then go ahead. I

thought you were more experienced, but I guess I was wrong.

I can change a line if there's a better one, but you are reciting a poem.

This is not conversational dialogue.

Well, then why can't I change the line to the poem?

This poem needs to be recited as it was written.

Let's just move on to the next line and then we'll go back and do the whole

thing.

There is just one more line afterwards.

You finish the line and then you stand up facing me.

Okay, am I looking at you or am I supposed to be looking at a mark?

I will be where I should be. The last line is, get ready.

Have found out thy bed of crimson joy and dark secret love.

Does thy life destroy? Are you trying to kill me?

If you consider it to be difficult, then it will be impossible.

But if you look at this as a game, the way that a child does, it will be

effortless.

You're just saying that because you are immature.

I know you are, but what am I?

I'd like to try it.

Action, you asshole!

Has found out that my love has a secret...

Bed. And my love is so dark.

Okay. Like I said, we'll come back to this. The rest of the theme is pretty

easy.

Well, I hope so. We're certainly spending an inordinate amount of time on

insignificant part.

This is the most significant part.

Sorry. The poem says a lot.

Uh -huh. Yeah. Well, I'm not going to be the one to tell you that your script

has holes in it.

Vampires in the daytime.

A stupid location like this and a poem that nobody understands, but whatever.

It's your show. Let's do it.

You know that we can film in a garbage dump, but the only thing the viewers

don't look at is you.

Okay. No matter what you say, the viewer isn't going to hear a word because

you're going to be warfitting your beauty.

All right. In the next shot, you move toward me a few steps, and then I move

toward you.

Let me just lay down a mark.

I'm gonna put the mark down, and when I lay it down, you can practice walking

back and forth while I need to set up a camera.

Ready? Mm -hmm.

Don't memorize the notes, because I will sue you for copyright infringement!

Fucking cape.

Like the rich language of like

the old days is like foreign to the younger ear

and

People, like, destroy language like they, like, hate

it. But you are a beautiful soul

and you get so much emotion from, like, a poem.

Thank you, but you're playing an ancient soul.

You would not use the word like.

Why? That word was around when all the other words were.

I know that the word is valid, but it wouldn't be used the way you are saying.

Remember, you're an eloquent artist, not a stupid cheerleader. But you said I

could change the words to fit how a person talks naturally.

And you also said that your character doesn't know that I'm a vampire.

So if I start talking like something out of a Jesus movie, then I'm busted.

Okay, as we discussed, we'll just keep moving on. Good, because I have to leave

in a couple hours.

But you're getting paid a day rate.

Yeah, and I have a babysitter, and she's got to leave in a couple hours.

You've worked with me before, and you've worked on other movies for over a

decade. How can you think that we've filmed 40 pages of script in just a

of hours?

When you were in any type of entertainment movie, you filmed for 16

Yeah, well, I guess I just assumed that you would be more efficient.

But whatever we don't get done today, we could do some other time.

I have a deadline.

Plus, if I film another day, I'll have to deduct the location fee from your

What are you talking about?

I'm paying money to film here.

It's not my bar.

I know that it doesn't look like much, but it's costing me money.

Well, then let's stop arguing and wasting time and just shoot what we can

I have to get out of here.

Hello, is this the Master of Cinema?

It's been a few days and I still didn't get anything in the mail from Noah.

I'm suspicious.

Well, maybe Jill is still in Ohio.

She's not going to spend time talking to you if she's still there.

Maybe you were right about me needing to stay away from socially inept people.

Oh wait, I've got a call. Hold on.

I dropped Jill off at the airport this morning.

I'm just now coming out of the daze.

What can you tell me about the convention?

Oh, well...

It was bittersweet.

I don't mean about you and Jill.

Jill made over $3 ,000 in autograph money.

Wow. Is that why I didn't get a check yet?

Do you still have to deposit my cut into your bank account?

Well,

like I said, it was bittersweet.

Because you told me to mail you back all of the unsold units. And I did. And

that cost me $75.

But I only sold four movies.

So you only got $20 because you said I got to have half of the sales.

And it cost me $75 to mail it back. So actually, you owe me $55?

Hey, stranger.

Do you have any rolls for me?

I sent you the script a month ago. You're just getting back to me now?

I told you, you have to call me.

Email's like homework.

The employee does not make the rule, the boss does, and I am the boss.

Is the rule still available?

No, I only have one rule left and there is no way you'll ever do it.

Why do you say that?

This is the most exploitational rule that I ever wrote.

So? The other problem is, your character would make out with my character.

Again, so?

Why are you working with Jill again? Didn't you learn your lesson?

I don't feel good about this scene.

I have to make out with her.

So don't make out with her.

This character has to make out.

What do you want me to tell you?

I'm just trying to work out how I feel.

I met her over a decade ago, and our conversations were with her as a person,

not in this movie business way.

You can't go back to the way things were. You already yelled at her.

Friends don't yell at each other.

That's not what I mean.

Making out with her is going to cross the friendship boundary.

Do you usually avoid crossing the friendship barrier?

It can be exciting bringing companionships to that level.

There's another thing. I don't know if I can get AIDS by making out.

You can't. But I googled it. There's a slight possibility that AIDS can be

carried in saliva.

So you think that the government might be holding back information about

kissing?

Even so, do you think Jill has AIDS?

She's a junkie.

Bill, stop working with losers. They're keeping you down.

Fuses needles.

2 plus 2 equals 8.

Do you always drink like that?

Again, don't worry about the place.

Oh, I didn't even notice. No, no, we're not capturing audio in this. Oh, okay.

So I could direct you a little bit if you do something wrong.

Ow!

It just helps when we be serious.

Ready? Action in your asshole.

I

had

to pinky yell because I'm a gentleman.

um um

Just so I love this way.

Put your hands this way.

Oh, I was smoking a cigarette.

And cut.

Oh, forgot.

Forgot.

Are you fucking retarded?

How do you feel about that? Are you okay?

Yeah, no big deal.

I actually almost had to call you and tell you I couldn't make it.

Why? Are you sick?

No. My boyfriend read the script and told me that if I kiss you, he'll break

with me.

Why did you show your boyfriend the script?

I didn't. Noah emailed it to him.

How did Noah get the script?

I sent it to him so he could read it to me while I was driving here.

You've worked with me before. You know that I don't ask anyone to pre -memorize

the script.

We learn the lines before I film each shot.

Well, I just wanted to be prepared.

Why are you not talking to Noah?

He's upset.

Wait, why did he send the script to your boyfriend?

He wanted him to know if he was okay with all the stuff we were going to do.

Whose side is he on?

Wait a minute.

I know.

Noah's in love with you. You know that, right?

Of course I do.

He pays for everything.

All I have to do is call.

All right, well, for the next shot, I remember all I need to do is take shots

your pipet.

Cut!

Okay, what's next?

Um...

You're going to lay down on the blanket, and I'm going to ravage you.

I thought I was your girlfriend.

Yes, but when we first meet, I rape you. That's why the movie's called Rape Me

Until I Like It.

Fine.

Action in your asshole. Time to struggle.

I'm going to hold my both hands.

I'm going to get the other one.

And hold that down so we can see your face struggling.

And open your eyes in terror.

It's bright.

Yeah, it's bright.

That's what they all say.

What is that, strawberry?

Just a little bit there. Yes, I do.

Beep, beep.

All right, cut. Oh, are you okay? How do you feel?

This is who I am.

Are you saying that because of your boyfriend?

Yeah.

Funny that he gave me the ultimatum that if I shoot with you, he'll leave me.

And did he break up with you, or was he bluffing? What do you think?

Duh, that's right.

How did you meet?

We were both at rehab, and he asked me if I wanted to go to a show.

I asked him if he wanted to fuck.

Rehab? So the rumor's true you're an addict?

I overdosed twice.

I'll drink to that.

I didn't mean it that way. At least you swallowed that time.

Oh, speaking of swallow, the next scene is our cunnilingus scene.

Oral sex. Of course it is.

It's a joke, because oral sex, you know, is the girl who usually swallows. I

swallowed. Oh.

I'm going to leave the camera on, and we're going to... Wait.

I have to piss.

Well, let's just do the scene first. It won't take that long.

There's me between your legs.

I'll be just a second. I'll be right back.

But... Did she flake?

No, but I'm not celebrating until it's in the can.

I thought you didn't like anal sex.

Laurel and Hardy har har.

You didn't turn your cell phone off?

How unprofessional.

Listen, I'll call you later.

All right?

Bye.

I'll turn the camera off when we're filming audio. Right now, it's just

stuff. I'm professional.

Okay, so what do I do?

Okay, get ready to show your pee -pee.

Why are you breathing so hard?

I was actually holding my breath.

If you're eating me out, why are you holding your breath?

If I'm eating you out, why did you pee before I ate you out?

I'm sorry, you didn't have any tissue.

I'm glad that you finally decided to launch a crowdfunding campaign.

I keep seeing peers make huge amounts of money by fooling their fans.

Fooling their fans?

Yes, this guy Mac keeps posting comments making fun of filmmaking.

He brags that he makes movies using a $600 camera.

Yet he ran a campaign and raised $40 ,000.

Wow, he can buy a lot of $600 DSLRs now.

I wondered what a guy like that would do with money, being that he always makes

fun of spending money on a movie.

But someone told me that he bought a car and he wrote it off as a company

vehicle. So he doesn't care about ruining his reputation?

Hey, I didn't see you at the last convention.

Oh, did you come to my table?

Yeah, I got autographs from Weeby Wendell.

From my new movie.

No, I was going to buy it, but this fat guy had some out -of -print movies of

Weepy Wednesday, so I bought some of those.

And he had them on my table?

No, he had his cash underneath.

He was discouraging people from buying movies not about Weepy Wednesday.

You have to pay the price for that big mouth.

Listen, ask anybody here. I always say nothing but great things about you and

your movies.

You can tell people that my movies suck. I built a career out of being hated.

But when you spread lies about the way I conduct business, then we have a

problem.

What's going on?

Joe is going to tell you the truth about me. And he's also going to tell you the

truth about how much he cheats on you.

Or he can choose another option that I gave him right before you arrived.

Are you going to beat up Noah?

I should, even though I'd look like a bully doing so.

But I think the most fitting punishment is to let Jill continue using him.

And maybe she'll give him AIDS.

It sounds like he was paying the price from the beginning.

You told me that he paid her boyfriend's DMV surcharges.

And he paid the airfare to go to Ohio.

She didn't even give him a penny of her earnings.

My first solos are after to make a thank you video for my benefactor.

The guy in Colorado.

Yes, I told her about his millions and about him sending me big checks.

Let me guess. When you introduced her to Noah, she thought he was your

benefactor.

I was wondering if the offer still stands to be in one of your movies.

Did Joe give you permission to be in my movie?

Fuck that asshole.

He's someone else's problem now.

I can't believe I trusted him.

It's too bad that you didn't call sooner. I would have much rather worked

you than with the girl I cast.

Well, I know you're always making movies, so I could always wait till the

project.

Unless you fire that other girl.

Your role in Rate Me Until I Like It was so boundary -placing, there's really

nothing more extreme that I could think of, so I just wrote a scene for you in

bra and panties.

Yeah, I'm still traumatized by that.

You almost sounded serious when you said that.

I was serious.

Don't you remember that I had to bring a bottle of whiskey I was taking so much?

No, because what really happened was I bought a bottle of whiskey to get rid of

my jitters because we were crossing the friendship boundary.

So why were you acting so suspicious?

What do you mean?

You kept asking if I was okay.

I ask everyone, are you okay after a shot that has physical contact? Because

be shady if I didn't do that.

Well, I'm still recovering from that.

Listen, I always have at least one camera rolling in case there's a

Do you want me to make a DVD collection of you making fun of your boyfriend for

not knowing that this is how you really are?

Oh, and you snuck shots of close -ups of my vagina.

Again, that was in the script. I even told you I was filming your pee -pee.

I have footage of me holding the camera right in front of your big pee -pee, and

you know exactly where the camera is and what it's capturing.

I just don't feel like being naked anymore.

Then why did you call me?

Oh, well, how much will you pay?

Listen, I don't know if you're having some kind of crisis moment or if you're

lying on purpose, but if your memory is really that distorted, I can't work with

you. Goodbye and good riddance.

It's a cool way to hang out.

Hello, Lord and Master.

Hey, I know that you were good friends with Jill at one time, and I just filmed

with her, but I had to tell her to fuck off.

I wonder if I did the right thing.

I can't believe you hired her. Nobody wants to work with her.

Really? What are the reasons?

She steals, she's always late, and then she remembers things wrong and gets into

arguments with the directors.

I'm happy you said that.

I don't want to throw away a friendship for bad reasons.

Friendship? She has no friends.

A fan betrayed me because of her, but I decided the best revenge was for her to

destroy him.

Yeah, I heard about him.

She drained his bank account, and when he wouldn't give her any more money, she

was done with him.

Jill's ex -boyfriend took all the older films that he shot of her and sold it to

Entitlement Entertainment for $40 ,000, and he didn't give her a single penny.

Is that what she told you?

She got $40 ,000 from Enticement Entertainment when she sold her screen

them. Really?

She told me that Enticement Entertainment wanted her to sign an

contract, and when she refused, she was told that they own her name and that she

couldn't use it if she worked for anyone else.

Welcome to my world.

That must be why she declined my offer to make a documentary about her

victimization. Well, enough about her.

Why did you call her instead of asking me to be in your movie?

Did you find a site to replace Gimeo?

I found one.

Getting back to my earlier point, do you really need nudity to sell comedies?

I get that erotic horror needs nudity, but comedies don't. The excessive nudity

started out as a joke, but later I tried to push boundaries to see how far I can

go. But it's not just about filming beautiful women. It's about filming

beautiful women doing strange things, like having sex with sharks, giant

spiders, and me, the giant forehead.

You should think about returning to writing that doesn't push boundaries.

You're good at it. You can make people feel things.

You can do so much more than push buttons.

You are truly original.

If you don't care about advancing beyond niche status, then shed the gimmicks

that everyone else uses.

Even if you had no nudity at all, you would still be a brave movie maker.

How'd you know I was thinking about you?

I bet you say that to all the incredibly handsome guys.

Are you calling to offer me a role?

Or do you want me to get you the dirt on somebody who fucked you over?

I have a role for you.

And you wanted to know if I would make out with you.

Actually, no.

Why would you ask me that?

Because you make out with a lot of girls in your movies, and I know that if I

kissed you, Joe would be mad.

We can both get back at him. My name is Paul.

I'm a fan from Canada.

I want to invest in one of your movies.

What you mean to say is that you want to contribute. This project has no room

for investors.

Just go onto the crowdfunding website and donate whatever you wish.

Okay, well, I'll send you $1 ,000 Canadian if you add me as executive

on the next five titles.

My peers offer executive producer and associate producer titles for gullible

people who pay to be listed as such on IMDb.

It's totally taking advantage of people who know nothing about moviemaking.

Tell me what the budget is, and I'll say yes or no.

You're not listening.

An executive producer is a person who supervises one or more other producers.

doesn't mean someone who pumps money into a movie.

Okay, so I want to be an associate producer.

An associate producer is a person who performs functions delegated to him by

another producer.

You see what I mean?

When a real movie maker looks at a crowdfunding site and sees titles like

offered, then it's obvious that the project is a scam.

And anyone who sees your name on such a site as an executive producer or

associate producer is going to think that you're an idiot.

Okay.

Give me the executive producer credit.

Oh, I forgot to tell you I live in Pennsylvania now.

Oh, really? Like in the Poconos?

No, a bit further.

How long does it take you to get there?

Like two hours.

But we're meeting in two hours.

I know, so you should get off the phone.

Hello? Hey, I heard your message about being late, but it's 40 minutes past our

meeting time.

I'm gonna be there soon.

Wait, you have to understand that I need actual time, not words like soon.

Of course, I'm not a caveman.

Can you please tell me your estimated time of arrival?

I don't know.

Okay, can you tell me which part of Route 80 you're on?

I'm not on Route 80.

She didn't send the text.

And she didn't leave a voicemail with me.

I will never feel you.

I will never feel you.

Thanks for helping me. I need to post recent pictures.

Don't you consider your line of work to be dangerous?

I've been doing this for a long time, and nothing bad has happened yet.

But you only need to be wrong once.

Aren't you concerned that your rape horror movies are just training manuals

guys? No, because rapists don't need training. You either are a rapist or

not. A movie's not going to change that.

But Ted Bundy said that he raped women because of porn.

Ted Bundy was a sociopath, and one of the traits of a sociopath is to lie.

He's not a neuroscientist. He can give reasons for what he did, but they're

excuses, not science.

That makes sense.

Even if a man reads a rape comic book, and then that acts as a trigger to make

him rape someone, you have to blame the man, not the trigger.

Well, this country was founded by Christians, and their religion teaches

that you can blame behavior on a demon.

Look, even if it were legal to rape a girl, I wouldn't rape anyone.

It's not who I am.

So, if you found me unconscious and tied up, lubed up, and you could rape me

without me ever even knowing, you would just walk away?

Well, I would call for help, but I would take mental notes for later, if you

know what I mean.

Wait, you think of me like that?

Not rape fantasies.

No, no, you've seen me in a bikini. Do you think of me when you're alone?

Do you?

Speak to me.

Come close to me.

Deep inside me.

Burn me out.

Take me down.

This is all there is. This is religion.

Little death, come unto me.

Steal my breath and set me free.

Little death, come pierce my heart. Grind

my bones, tear me apart.

Are you an idiot?

Stop talking like a woman.

Who is this?

This is Diana.

I'm a producer.

I met you at the screening party.

How could you forget me?

Oh, well, I drink a lot of these things, but I remember you now.

I want you to direct a movie in which I will play a rapist, but you will play my

slave, and you will prepare the victims for my abuses.

Do we talk about this at the screening?

No, you were quite drunk.

But I like the way you film exploitation, and I like your screen

Are you interested?

Sure. Let's go over the details.

You must understand that you will have to cast all of the girls.

I really like that one girl that beat you up in that movie.

She will be available for me raping her, yes?

I told you that I need some sort of a job there, because I don't want actress

think I'm there just to see her naked.

Take care of that. You'll be holding the boom microphone. That way you have a

reason to be in the room.

She won't feel like you're just looking at her pussy.

Or do you say vagina?

How can you see a vagina? Vagina's internal.

Maybe if you take your eyeball and insert it up her crotch, then you're

at her vagina.

But otherwise you're looking at her pussy.

Is there any way I could be on the third floor on the railing? I want to hang

over the railing when I'm in clown makeup.

No fucking way, man.

This house is very old. That railing is there just for decoration.

Even if you just bump into it, you touch it, it will collapse.

Let your spirit dream with your wings

unfurled. Will you walk with me?

Will you go on my side and keep watch over

my dreams? Why are there two microphones?

Oleg is capturing the special audio.

But the microphones aren't attached to anything.

Did he forget to plug the wire in?

Oh, did he forget to plug the wire in? Is that what you're asking? Yeah.

Actually, if I can interrupt, that microphone is actually wireless.

Oh, okay.

Did that answer your question?

I just want you to be comfortable.

We have to stop acting like this.

It's like a wimp who gets beat up by someone at the bar. The minute a bouncer

comes in, you talk tough.

Don't talk to him in German.

He doesn't understand it. Don't talk to her in Russia. She doesn't understand

it. Speak English. Can we film already? I have to meet my friend later.

Erica. We are not going to be finished soon.

Bill has to rape you, and then I will get into my dominatrix costume, and you

will give me pleasure.

I told Bill that I'm meeting a friend after this.

And I told you that we finish as soon as the last shot is filmed, not before.

So stop wasting time. I thought you were a professional.

Right.

For this shot, you are unconscious from the roofie.

I will begin fondling your breath.

and you open your eyes weekly.

Not once a week.

You're very weak. You open your eyes. You don't know where you are, but you

that something is happening to you.

So we want that fear in your eyes. Do I fight you?

No, no. The shot is only about your fear and disgust.

And when I see that you see what I see, I'm going to start licking your nipples

and create even more fear in you.

Because you wouldn't like that, right? Uh -uh.

All right, so.

Shut it.

Shut your mouth. Shut your eyes.

Acting like an asshole.

You're unconscious.

You're unconscious.

I don't take this.

I don't take this.

Doo -doo -doo -doo, coochie -coochie -coo, where are you?

You don't know, cause I roofied you, and you, I'm just you, that's a bad poem,

it's like a rap song, cause we don't know how to rap, just cause it sounds

same, it's not spelled the same.

Open your eyes.

What the fuck?

I was supposed to go to lick your nipple. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Sorry, sorry.

Doesn't it say in the script that Bill would be sucking your nipples?

Yeah, but it didn't say who'd be in that stupid makeup.

Why doesn't it bother you?

Duh. I said I'd be mating a friend later. I don't want makeup all over my

nipples.

If I may interrupt, why don't you just clean your nipples afterward?

Duh. I'm not putting chemicals on my sensitive nipples.

Don't you know anything about female anatomy?

So just use soap and water, Anna Trella.

You retarded.

Erica, the most important part is for someone to suck your nipples.

It doesn't need to be Bill. I can suck your nipples when it's my turn to rape

you. Fine. When's the next shot?

Bill will cross the boundary with another part of your body because he

suck your nipples.

And which part is that?

Mushy. Are you talking about my ass?

No. Mushy.

Mushy.

My vagina's not mushy, you twat.

But that's what Germans call a vagina.

For your information, I'm tight.

You don't understand.

She was referring to your vagina as an adjective, not as a noun.

My vagina is not a noun, asshole.

Why are you getting dressed?

You still have to be raped by Bill.

Oh, I already called my friend that I was coming over.

When we get to the restaurant, you can order anything you like. You can even

have it Tuesday.

We have a big problem.

What, did she beat you up?

No, she wants to leave.

You have a choice.

You can let her go if you think you have enough footage, or...

You can tell her that the agreement was she gets paid when the final shot is

filmed.

Thanks for understanding.

Is it okay if I take a shower before I leave?

Actually, Bill needs to wash off his clown makeup because he promised to buy

dinner. Oh, right.

Since I won't be going to the restaurant, you can just pay me $100.

That's how much food I would have ordered.

But you can still come with us.

Like I said, I'm meeting a friend.

Just tell Bill I'll be right out.

I won't use all the hot water.

She's been in there for hours.

How could you give permission to someone to take a shower in my house?

Okay,

I'm done.

Call me if you ever want to use me again.

You were supposed to clean yourself, but you look more schmutzig.

I'm not going to the restaurant if you look like this.

I didn't realize you're so sensitive.

So what? I look a little dirty.

You look like you're in a black pit.

I spent an hour washing this off with soap and water. This is as good as it's

going to get.

You can't wash off makeup with soap and water.

You need makeup remover.

Where there's a bill, there's a way.

Let's all go to the restaurant.

You two walk in. Ten minutes later, I will arrive, pretending to be by myself.

You don't have to acknowledge me. I'll be seated far from you.

I don't want to sit next to her.

Then let's sit separately, and we'll pretend we don't know each other, but we

will still have our juicy steak.

Bill, I have no problem. You can sit with me.

I know you have no problem being called a racist.

You're German.

Germans invented racism.

I had enough.

I'm out.

What's racist about us sitting together at a table?

Let's go.

I'm not going to sit with a white woman.

All right, turn the lights off.

Thank you.

is is

Hello? No, Phil didn't seem sad when you left him.

But he didn't meet me at the restaurant.

Bill committed suicide last night. He dropped off the ledge.

Thank you for watching.

My love, Inclusive Young.

Like...

Little Death Come pierce my heart Grind my

bones Tear me apart

Ricky Sires.

Ricky Sires. R -I -C -K -Y -S -Y -E -R -S.