Original subtitles

Since the turn of the century, the motion picture industry has brought to

screen most of the great classics from the annals of world literature.

Little Women, Rebecca, Anna Karenina, Pollyanna, Jane Eyre, Lorna Doon,

Eskimo Nell.

Eskimo Nell?

On a time on a sunny summer's day, out of film school, a young man made his

A budding film director, Dennis was his name, set to make his fortune in his

day.

And he nearly made it, but listen to what I tell, a thousand tribulations,

for making the best film ever.

He walked right down Soho to the heart of movie land.

Head in the clouds, diploma in his hand.

Looking for the tycoons, just waiting for a call.

Feeling like a star and walking home.

Nearly made it, but listen to what I tell.

A thousand tribulations, oh, make the best money.

Up the stairs and down the stairs, back in the street again.

All this walking could drive a man insane.

We don't need no directors.

We got them by the score.

Get the hell on out and shut the door.

So much for the movie, so Daniel will sign.

Then in the doorway, notice he despised. This is Bum Productions.

I noticed that a claim might be worth a try. What's in a name?

And it nearly made it. But listen while I tell you about the trials and

tribulations of making the best money.

In the

sleazy

doorway of the creek.

My name's Benny, you murder.

Grab yourself a chair.

Looks like you were lucky.

Directing is what I need.

Come back with a script for me to read.

And he nearly made it. But listen while I tell. About a thousand tribulations.

Oh, make the best of hell.

Couldn't believe his fortune.

Hell, lady, look, smile.

Ring his friend, Clive.

Sounded kind of wild.

All I need's a writer.

You know what? Well, that's fine.

Expel, I'll get him on the line.

Hold up Harris Tweedle.

What a mean scene.

Just write a script, son. You know what that would mean.

You've never written a script. Well, what kind of film is it?

Doesn't matter whether it's England, America, Italy, Japan.

Doesn't matter.

You get a bird up there pulling her knickers down and it's something they

understand. Well, it's logical, isn't it? I mean, which would you rather see?

arty -crafty film or a bloody great pair of tits? Stands to reason, doesn't it?

Well, it wouldn't have to be... Right. Doesn't matter which side of the

you're on. A pair of tits is a pair of tits. You've got to give the public what

it wants.

I did a film a few years ago. It was called Midnight Forever.

Midnight Forever?

That wasn't the Philippe Marpleau picture about the Italian Civil War, was

No, this was about lesbianism in a convent.

Didn't take a cent. So what did I do? I changed the title to Dirty Knickers.

Cleaned up. You see, if you haven't got a good title, you're finished.

Now, the one I'll go in mind, the one I want you to write, have them queuing up

at the box office at will.

Marvellous idea for a picture. Tell me what you think of this.

Eskimo Nell.

Eskimo Nell.

Do you think you'll be able to direct that, young Dennis?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I see snow.

Lots of snow.

Whole panoramas of white stretching across the screen.

Rather than the sign of Dr. Schifango, possibly. Yeah, I did the follow -up to

that. Randy Revolution.

Didn't do very good business, though.

Mind you, I had a right scrub of play in the lead.

Well, I mean, when she took her bra off, her tits sagged.

I reckon that's what done for me.

Weak title, saggy tits.

So, what do you reckon to it, young Harris? Think you're going to be able to

write it? Of course he will, won't you, Harris?

Well, um... It's just that I'm not very well up on Eskimos.

You don't have to worry about that.

I'll tell you, you see, Eskimo Nell was a famous dirty poem.

It's all about this bird and these two fellas, Dead -Eyed Dick and Mexican

Well, whatever they do, they can't satisfy her, see? They try everything,

get up to everything.

Well, I mean, there's one point where he gets his rifle and... Where is it?

Where is it? Let's see.

Here we are. Here we are.

So Mexican Pete, he jumped to his feet to avenge his poles affront.

He's long known to Colt with a jarring jolt. He drove right up a...

Benny, you Murdoch speaking.

Well, I'm in the middle of an important business conference at the moment.

Of course you'll get your bleeding men. What are you talking about?

What do you mean I haven't paid for eight months?

I'll sue you.

That's what I'll do. I'll bleed and sue you.

I don't care who your uncle is. I'll sue him and all.

Bleeding landlords.

Who does he think he is?

I'll sue him. Anyway, now, where was I? Oh, yeah. Now, I've got a guy who's

interested in putting up a third of the money.

Now, the only point is he won't actually put the money in the bank until I get

the other two -thirds and the script written. So that's where you come in,

Harris. Don't worry about the business side of things. Leave all that up to me.

As far as you getting paid is concerned, I'll tell you what I'll do with you.

You'll have to trust me on this.

£100 after profits. Now, I can't say fairer than that, can I? Not considering

I'm giving you a chance to make your first film. Right, that's settled. Now

then, casting.

Now, what you've got to go for nowadays, you see, is class.

You know what I mean?

Exactly. Quality film we could send to the festival, maybe. Right. We want some

real classy birds.

None of your appendage scars when they strip off.

Now, the key part, of course, is Nell. And we want someone really sensational

for this part.

Someone who can really pull the crowds in, like Jane Fonda, Echo Welch, Liza

Minnelli, Gladys Armitage.

Gladys Armitage.

Gladys! Now, she's a real puller at the box office, and she's got big tits.

Right then, wait a second.

Now, don't worry about a thing. We're going to make a marvellous film here.

you pay attention to me. You won't go far wrong in this business, I can tell

you.

I'm off to a cocktail party at Lady Longhorn's.

Keep at it.

At least we've succeeded in getting it banned.

I'm glad to say.

Disgusting film.

How the producers could claim it was art, I don't know.

I saw it 11 times. In my mind, it was filthy.

What we should be doing is pushing for a bill in Parliament to ban everything

that can be considered offensive to public morals.

No, what I feel would be far more effective is to try and infiltrate more

members onto committees of official bodies.

Yeah, it's a great pity we can't completely take over the board of film

That way I could personally vet every piece of filth submitted.

Take heart, Lord Coltrane, take heart.

God is on our side.

Actually, Jeremy came up with a wonderful slogan for our movement only

day. Tell him what it was, Jeremy.

Make... Models matter.

Oh, that's splendid.

Simply splendid.

Oh, he's terribly creative, is Jeremy.

Mummy, Mummy, I want you to meet Dennis Morrison.

You know, Dennis is the one I was telling you about when I did that acting

at film school.

Oh, yes.

How do you do?

Lady Longhorn.

This is Lord Coltrane, my son, Jeremy.

Hi. Film school?

I trust you're not one of these terrible purveyors of human corruption.

Oh, no, Dennis. He's terribly artistic and frightfully socially minded.

Not left wing, I trust.

Well, I... He's terribly excited the moment he's just got his first job

directing a film. Not one of those vexed sort of naked women, I hope.

Oh, goodness, no.

Dennis wouldn't do anything like that, would he? Oh, goodness, no. What's Katie

B. called? We must come and see it when it comes out.

Eskimo, no.

No. I must say, that sounds jolly interesting.

Documentary, is it? I may use documentary style at certain points,

Actually, I'm just waiting for the script to be written.

And who says this country doesn't offer opportunities to young people? Dennis

has even promised me a part in it. He's been telling me all about it. We're

going to go to all the film festivals and we're going to win lots of prizes.

sounds wonderful the way he describes it. Yes, I see snow everywhere.

White. Whole panoramas of white on the screen.

Ah, yes.

For purity.

Oh, yes, yes. It's going to be terribly symbolic.

Eskimo Nell.

Yes, I think I've heard that title before somewhere.

It's a famous epic poem written over a hundred years ago. I do so love

adaptations from the classics.

Will it be in costume, then?

Part of the time. That's just what the public needs, you know. Something nice

and wholesome.

Is there going to be anybody famous in it?

Gladys Armitage.

The producer says she's very big.

I'm Gladys.

Gladys Sarmitage.

Everyone calls me Glad.

Benny, not all right, Jeff?

He told me to meet him here.

I suppose he got held up on business.

I'm Clive Potter.

Oh, yeah? What do you do, then?

I'm Harriet's agent.

Benny said we were to work together.

He said you're going to mould the old house into my personality.

Yes.

Plenty of drink, then? Yeah, all right, then. Milk?

Coffee?

Ovaltine? Yeah, all right, then. I'll have a large scotch.

Oh.

Hello.

What have you written this morning?

I had an article published in the East London Bird Watchers Gazette once.

Oh, yes.

It was on penguins.

You see, I have this theory that they can actually communicate together by

waggling their flippers in certain ways.

Actually, they're...

Fascinating creatures.

Yeah, I'm sure.

I hope I'm not going to be having it away with a bleeding penguin in this

of yours.

Bloody deck collectors. I'll sue them. That's what I'll do. Sue them. Hello,

young ass. How are you getting on?

Hello, darling.

Oh.

Penny, you're all cowed. Have you told her the story yet? No, I thought...

well, I've had some thoughts about it since I saw you the other day. Now, let

tell you how I see it, and then you tell me what you think.

Yes, do tell us the story. We'd love to hear it.

Well, it's about this girl called Eskimo Nell, and she's very young, and...

Innocent?

Yes, yes. She's simplified with purity.

With bleeding great tits!

Now, this trapper, you see, he's got a court in his animal trap. Now, we have

big close -ups of her tit in the metal trap.

With lots and lots of snow, vast panoramas of white.

And then we have this shot of a long line of Eskimos in silhouette, dancing

in hand up a completely white mountain slope.

All bollock naked.

And then these trappers, the three of them, they all screw a rigid.

while singing hymns of praise to their god.

Oh, you must let me help you there. In fact, we're having a hymn -singing

festival at Wembley Stadium next month.

Lord Coltrane's going to be there.

Flashing it about.

But the moment he whips it out, he shoves it in the trap and bangs it shut.

Ah, that's an over -sequence.

You see, you've got to think commercially, young Harry.

Who's that for, then? It's for me.

Last time she had one of those, it ended up with me having to take her to

hospital. Oh, Benny, you are rude.

Go on, she loves it, really.

Do you know how good I am? Oh, he's very good. Yeah, that's because I'm a real

man, isn't he?

Oh, Benny, you're a real man. Well, I'll show you whether I'm a real man or not.

Tell him what I like in bed. Oh, he's ever so good in bed. Yeah, that's

I keep myself fit, you see.

I mean, when I really get going, I really satisfy you, don't I? He does, he

does. He really satisfies me. That's because you're a real man, aren't I?

very real. You can't get enough of me, can you? I can't. I can't get enough of

him. Come on, call me a puffer. Nobody can call you a puffer. No, that's

I used to train as a weightlifter, isn't it? He's very fit.

Virile, virile. He's very virile. Here, I'll show you, I'll show you. Have you

ever seen a body like that before? Tell me, how many men of my age have you seen

with a body like that? You haven't seen many men with a body like that, have

you? He's got a lovely body.

It really turns you on. I'm

Aris, feel that, feel that. That's all muscle there. Come on, have a feel of

that, eh? Hey, that's all muscle. Go on, go on, feel it, go on.

Have another squeeze if you like.

No, thanks.

Benny?

About the film?

What film?

Oh, yeah, um, we're having a meeting tomorrow morning with a chap who's

to put up another third of the money, a chap called Big Dick, amongst other

things.

Uh, better you, Murdoch, to see Big Dick.

I've got an appointment.

Nice. Come on in.

Remember, let me do all the talking.

Stella, we have some coffee.

I'd like you to meet Harris Tweedle, my writer, and this is young Dennis

Morrison. He's going to direct the picture.

Well, Dennis, let me tell you something.

I got this problem.

I got this big problem.

There's this beautiful chick I'm screwing like every night. Beautiful

lovely body.

Yet I got this terrible problem, you see, because I just can't seem to get it

anymore.

I really don't want to screw this chick, yet I can't get it up.

So, do you know what I did?

I went to the doctor and I told him my problem.

You know what he did?

He gave me some little gold pills.

I take one every morning.

And you know, they really work.

Would you like to try one?

Ah, well, you'll be meeting her later.

She's a great chick.

And you'd better hope that she likes you.

Because if she doesn't, you don't get any money.

Okay? That's right. Remember I told you, she's playing the lead part of Nell.

You mean Gladys?

Who the hell is Gladys?

Billy's her name. She's never acted before in her life.

But I think the kid's got talent.

And you're using her anyway.

Stella, tell Billy I want her in here.

Harris, isn't it?

Now, I guess Benny's told you how I want the script. I don't want any bullshit.

What I need is 90 minutes of good, solid, hardcore pornography.

Okay?

And you, Dennis.

None of that simulated crap. I want to see everything.

So you shoot it for real.

I want to see girls being whipped, plenty of flagellation, bondage, rubber

appliances, leatherware, chains, lesbianism, kinky gadgets.

Then you can throw in a bit of bestiality at the same time.

Then, in the second scene, we'll make... Dennis, this is your Eskimo now.

Yeah, boy.

Don't worry about it. The minute the money's in the bank, we kick her off and

give Gladys the part like I originally said.

But how do I write the same part for two completely different codes? And the

fact that one version is supposed to be totally pornographic.

That's exactly it, young Dennis.

We make two versions. Very simple. It's done all the time. Now, look, I want you

both to sign these, please.

What is it?

Oh, it's just making yourself totally responsible for the money. That's all.

Don't worry about the business side. Just leave all that up to me. Oh, by the

way, don't make any arrangements for this evening. Only I might want you to

and meet a fellow who's interested in putting up another third of the money.

right?

Oh,

I wasn't expecting you back yet.

Rita, just pop round for a quick snack before... I'm trying to work.

It's no good, Clive. I just can't do it.

What are you talking about?

I've got to write a... pornographic version.

I don't even know where to begin.

How do you mean?

Well...

If it wasn't the mating habits of penguins, I'd know what I was writing

But it's different with people.

You see, I don't know an awful lot about it.

You mean sex?

Well, for want of a better word, I suppose... You have had sex, don't you?

I just don't seem to have got round to it somehow, that's all.

You mean you're a virgin?

Clive,

have you seen my knickers anywhere?

I think I dropped them when we came in.

Well, are you?

Well... Well... Yes.

Well, you must know what happens, surely.

Well, I don't know.

You see, it's different with penguins.

I mean, you must have seen it on the movies.

I'm afraid I don't go to the pictures very often.

I know that, but I mean, you must have seen something.

I... saw Nanook of the North.

It wasn't very good.

It didn't have any penguins in it.

Maybe next time you're doing it, I could watch and take notes.

Take notes?

What do you think I'm on, a time and motion study or something?

Christ, I'd never be able to perform with you sitting there scribbling away.

It'd be worse than taking a bloody examination for it.

It's not like taking a driving test, you know.

I was just thinking. Look, look, leave it to me. Ask if I can get one of my

friends to do it.

How would that be?

Well, I've got to go out this evening.

Benny's got this backer he wants me to meet.

Hello, Ambrose. How are you then, eh? Dennis Morrison, Harris Tweedle. Very

pleased to meet you, dear boys.

Very pleased to meet you. Nice place you've got here, Ambrose.

Yes.

You interested in art, Benny?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I like a bit of art now and then.

That's one of my favourites. I picked it up about four years ago in Istanbul.

Yeah, yeah.

It looks as though you did.

Venus Flytrap, it's called. You do have such exquisite taste, sir. If I say so

myself, Mr. Cream. Thank you, dear boy. Not at all, sir.

Well, Ambrose, have you had any thoughts yet about investing in films?

Well, yes and no.

I'll be honest with you, Benny.

And I'll be honest with you, Ambrose. When it comes to a matter of investment,

piece of property, I know what I'm letting myself in for, but...

Oh, most speculative, Mr. Cream, sir, most speculative.

Quite, dear boy, quite.

Though I must admit, I do have a weakness I like to indulge myself in now

then.

Oh, yes?

Encouraging young people.

Indeed, through my investment company, Cream Holdings, I've been able to give

many a young person a helping hand.

Oh, yeah? Yes, indeed.

Why, only last week there was this young woman I gave some money to who had the

idea of employing schoolgirls of an enterprising nature who wish to do a

social work at night. Jim Flips, anonymous.

You probably saw the advertisement in the personal column.

And then last month I sponsored the badminton rubber trial. Most worthwhile,

Creams. Not to forget the Nun of the Year Award.

Which I personally like to handle. A most deserving venture.

Yeah, I like to give young people a helping hand myself and all.

Quite.

Which brings me to the point of our meeting.

I have at the moment this girl.

Ah, yeah? Who I consider to have the most tremendous talent.

Charming, though.

Utterly charming. Totally charming, sir, totally. With the most exceptional

charisma I have ever seen.

They get enormous, wouldn't you say, Rudolph?

Oh, absolutely, Mr. Cream, sir, quite enormous. The moment she walks into the

room... You can feel it. You can definitely feel it. Yeah, well, it's

mention that, Ambrose, because it just so happens that I'm looking for a girl

with big charisma to play the lead.

Of course, I wouldn't wish you to take her if you didn't feel that she had

talent. Oh, no, of course not. But I do have great faith in her. You understand?

Rudolph?

Benny, sit down.

The valleys and the hills come alive with April showers.

And with a precious song, my heart begins to long for the timeless

springtime hours.

Such passing fancies set me reeling.

Love, only love can bring this wondrous feeling.

Everyone's bringing love.

Very talented.

Yeah. A star in the making if ever I saw one.

She'd be absolutely the girl we're looking for. Isn't that right, young

She is?

Yeah, you know, to play the part of Nell, she'd be perfect for it.

Millicent, my dear, come down here and join us. I want you to meet Benny U.

Murdoch. He's a film producer.

I'm going to invest in one of his films.

I can just see it now.

Millicent, um... Bindle.

Millicent Bindle as Eskimo Nell.

Splendid.

Splendid. The first Kung Fu musical.

Millicent Bindle in the first Kung Fu musical Eskimo known.

Yes, I'll invest one third of the money, providing Millicent likes the part.

Now, I want your writer to work with her. Mould the part to her own

I'd like her to be romantic.

You know, a sort of Scarlett O 'Hara character who gets laid all the time.

never actually acted before, but I guess I'd like her to be a kind of cross

between Brigitte Bardot, Greg Garbo, and Peggy Ashcroft. You know, in quality, I

mean. Billy, why don't you cut out the bullshit and move your goddamn ass off

desk so we can get down to some work?

Now, I got a few ideas for a couple of the scenes I worked out with Billy last

night. Now, you got a copy of the poem there?

No. Well, doesn't matter.

I got one here someplace.

Here it is. Dead -Eyed Dick and Mexican Pete arrive in town.

The women, too, knew his playful ways down on the Rio Grande, so forty whores

pulled down their drawers at Dead -Eyed Dick's command.

Now, Dead -Eyed Dick was breathing quick with lecherous snorts and grunts as

forty asses were brought to view. Okay, nothing of forty.

I'm in a meeting!

Now, what I want to do is give the scene some real selling power.

Make it sexy. Am I in this scene?

You ain't come in yet, so shut up.

Goddamn dumb broad.

What it needs is a gimmick, like maybe... Like maybe one of them

wouldn't like her some, you know?

She lay down on a table bare where someone had left a glass.

She twitched her tits and smashed it to bits.

It's in the description.

Would you have to see me do it? I've been...

Honey, will you sit down and leave your goddamn tits out of this for a moment?

Billy!

Stop that for Christ's sake!

Jesus.

Those little gold pills.

What the hell are you doing?

Clive?

What exactly are you two here for?

For auditioning, what's it look like?

Dave, I'd like you to meet Harris. Dave's going to be my assistant captain

director on the film.

Hi, there.

Harris is a guy who owns the place.

I thought it'd be a good idea if I got Dave over and we photographed the girls

as we interviewed them.

That way we'll be able to remember exactly what they look like.

I'd like we charge them for the pictures at the same time.

You're not the one who's the virgin, are you?

Listen, I tell you what.

Next time I'm on the job, I'll give you a buzz. And if you're doing nothing, pop

round and have a look.

Dave, he's great.

He really is. Well, it's like anything else. If you want to be any good, you've

got to keep it up.

Clive, please.

I forgot to tell you, if you want your friends, they're in the bedroom.

Friends?

You don't mind, do you? This is my boyfriend, Daniel.

Oh, boyfriend?

Well, I thought as you and I are supposed to be working together on this

this would make the most marvellous meeting place for Daniel and I.

Ambrose will never suspect anything here, I'm sure.

He's not going to put you out at all, is he?

No. No, of course not.

Fine. Fine.

Would you excuse me for a moment?

Clive?

Clive, get him out of here, for God's sake. There's someone at the door.

Who is it?

Me, Dennis.

What's all that, then? It's Clive. He's having a car thing. No, don't ask me.

Yeah, well, I brought Brendan along to have a quick chat over some visual ideas

I've come up with.

He's going to be my cameraman.

Look, I can't be too long, and I've got Hermione and her mother waiting outside

in the car.

OK? Let's go down to some work.

Shall I, please?

Can I do it in the kitchen?

Please, in the bedroom, please!

And keep the noise down!

Dennis, I just came up to see if you were ready yet. Yes, I'll be down in a

minute.

Lady Longhorn, this is Harriet Tweedle. He's writing the script.

I've heard so much about it from Dennis already, it does sound exciting.

And who's interested in birds, then?

That's Harriet. He's into birds.

Such a charming hobby.

My late husband was a keen ornithologist.

He specialised in tits.

Dennis, I just left poor Hermione driving round the block.

You'd hardly left us before a most unpleasant traffic warden came up and

us on.

Still, I can't argue with the law, I suppose.

So you've finished your little business chat, have you? Yes, I was just having a

talk with Harris about the script, but we can do it later.

What was that?

It's the phone.

Right then, shall we head off?

Some guy called Benny U. Murdoch. He said he's got another backer. Another

backer? Well, well, it just goes to show, doesn't it? People don't mind

money into family films.

You see, as a merchant banker, I never speculate.

Now, as far as films are concerned, I've studied the market carefully over the

years. And it would appear there's a very definite pattern of urges.

In fact, it seems there's only one particular kind of film that is

successful in making money.

You're absolutely right, Vernon. Sex films.

No.

Those kung fu pictures, I suppose.

No.

Musicals. No.

Westerns.

You're absolutely right, Vernon. I didn't like to mention that.

Now, I have an idea that would... positively clean up at the box office.

The first all -British western.

Isn't that amazing, lad?

I didn't like to mention that because it just so happens I've got two -thirds of

the money and a script for the first all -British western called Eskimo Nell.

Yes, well, I could well be interested in putting up the final third. You do and

you won't go far wrong, I can tell you. All -British western, clean up at the

box office, queueing up, they will, queueing up. I take it it's produced for

your experience in the genre.

Oh! You don't need to worry about that.

We love birds. We're bloody great genres, I can tell you.

You have made westerns before, then?

Cowboy on the Job, that was one of mine. And I did actually do a highly praised

documentary on the American Civil War, Hot, Hard and Horny. We had a marvellous

woman playing Abraham Lincoln's wife. Yes, remarkable genre.

Silicon job, I think it was. We could have had an Academy Award for that, if

hadn't been seized by the customs on the way in. Yes, I was thinking more of

films like High Noon, Son of Cochise.

Did they follow up to that?

Keep it up, Hiawatha.

Retain for a second week, that was.

What about you, Dennis?

What have you directed before?

Well, er... Oh, you don't have to worry about Dennis. Oh, no, no.

He's going to be very big. Going to be very big, Vernon. He's what we call a

brilliant young newcomer. That's what Dennis is. Brilliant young newcomer.

about you? He's a brilliant young newcomer in all. Yes, yes. Very

Yes, well, as I said earlier, I could well be interested in putting up money

behind a western. And you have a girl who you want to play the lead?

Good Lord, no.

Johnny?

Johnny?

Johnny's the most marvellous. as drag artists.

He'd be quite perfect as Nell.

Now, as I see it, I think the film should be very violent, with lots of

boys in it, all having their bottoms smacked. I want a good death scene, and

want to shoot lots of people.

Dennis, you're the director.

Now, how do you see it?

I was thinking it'd be quite nice to set it in winter, maybe.

Oh, yes.

And I I could wear lots of lovely furs and things.

Exactly. Rather in the style of Dr. Givaldi.

Or I could have a lovely Julie Christie wig.

Fur -clad figures set against vast panoramas of whining shite. Shining

Exactly. Personally, I think I prefer it set in the summer.

Then all the cowboys can wear tight jeans and keep taking their shirts off.

Can't do it, Benny. I just can't do it.

Look, I am not capable of writing the first all -British pornographic kung fu

musical western.

Especially when three different girls and a drag queen all seem to believe

they're going to be playing the same part.

Don't worry. It doesn't matter how many people are playing the part.

As soon as the money's in the bank, we kick them all off and give the part to

Gladys. But that's dishonest. Of course it isn't. It's the film business.

Look, you're just an artist. You don't understand these things.

Now, just you get that script done so I can go round and get the cheques, all

right? Oh, by the way, did you both sign those contracts I asked you to? Oh,

Benny, you are clever understanding all those long business words. Yeah, well,

that's because I keep myself fit, you see. Keep my mind alert.

So, if you want to make it easier on yourself, all you have to do is make

entirely different scripts, all entitled Eskimo Nell.

If you can have that done by the weekend, that'd be great.

Now, the first shot of the film is a big close -up of a bleeding great pair of

tits. But do it with integrity.

Acting. As long as she drops them, who the hell cares whether she can act or

not? And so the gunfighter guns him down, brutally, rolls the dying boy

and then he smacks his bottom.

But do it tastefully.

Why are whippies popular?

Yeah, well, I'll tell you, I think there's a little bit of the

it all.

Then she chops him.

Then he chops her while they're singing this duet.

And then along comes this other man.

And he's a really big rupper.

Remember all that lot?

No.

No. No, no, no, no. You don't want dialogue. It's boring.

Anyway, I can't pronounce half of it. Psychology, character. You don't want

of that. But you take my word for it, young Harris.

Talking? Boring.

Action. Pits.

That's the secret of it.

Now, speaking totally objectively, I think it needs lots more pretty boys.

All wearing skin -tight white jeans.

And lots more body smacking.

To provide some human interest.

All this social comment you've got in it about pollution and how it's killing

off various kinds of penguins.

Damn, boy, the public don't want that sort of thing. They want escapism.

Penguin. Who cares about penguins?

Penguins. Crap!

You're too arty. Take this scene with the shy young virgin.

Please be gentle.

No man has ever made love to me before.

And I'm just a little frightened. Why can't you just say I ain't never been

fucked before?

I've finished.

I've actually finished.

Deliver all the strips, okay?

I gave you both a stiff drink.

There's no trouble with a stiff drink.

That is stiff drink.

And they put the cheque in the bank, all right?

Too very large, stiff drink.

So, we're all ready to start shooting, then.

Two triple scotches, please.

Well, I know we've got to do casting first of all, but after that... Neat.

So what did Benny say?

He didn't.

You mean he doesn't know the money's in the bank yet?

He knows.

So what did he say?

He didn't.

He's pissed off with the lot.

Apparently, no sooner was the money banked than he withdrew it and cleared

with Gladys.

And there's worse.

You know those contracts he got you to sign?

They make you wholly responsible for every single penny.

So you can either return the money to your three backers out of your own

or else you make them the picture each of them is expecting.

But how can we if we haven't got the money?

Exactly.

Even if Benny hadn't run off with the money, there still wouldn't be enough to

make three completely different versions.

How the hell did he intend to do it?

No, obviously he didn't.

Maybe if we explained what had happened.

I've tried.

Remember, you're the ones who are legally committed to make the film.

Not Benny.

Yours are the only signatures on the contract.

That was another film I saw.

The Birdman of Alcatraz.

Look, I'm not exactly clear as to what's happened.

But from what I can gather, you haven't got the money to make the hill.

Is that right?

And if you don't get it, you're in trouble.

All right.

Well, I was just wondering whether Mummy would be interested.

Mummy?

I must say, Dennis, from what you told me the other day, I'd say it was a great

shame if such a lovely family film couldn't be made.

After all, I represent a vast minority of people in this country who are

clamouring for a total ban on anything other than nice, wholesome stories.

Especially with me playing the lead.

Exactly. What could be more wholesome than the right honourable Hermione

Longhorn as Eskimo now?

Jeremy, what do you think, darling? You're the creative member of the

Oh, Mummy, really?

Now, Jeremy, don't be modest. You know Daddy wouldn't have approved.

He didn't approve of modesty, my late husband.

Don't conceal what you feel. Get it out and flash it about, was his motto.

He was in the House of Lords, you know.

Well, I think what I think. is, this is the sort of film the society ought to be

promoting. After all, this is what we're always campaigning for, isn't it? I

must say, it would be rather fun to do a film, wouldn't it?

Hey, Jeremy, you used to do a spotting acting at Herod, didn't you? Only in the

school dramatic society, of course.

Though I did play Hamlet just before I left.

Hey, now, don't you think it'd be an awfully jolly idea if you cast Jeremy as

Dead Eye Dick, especially with me playing Eskimo Nell? We do do an awful

together, don't we?

Yes, they do an awful lot together, yes.

Well, I haven't actually done it for ages, but I'm sure I could get it up in

time.

The Society for Moral Reform presents Hermione Longhorn in Eskimo Nell.

That sounds rather grand, doesn't it? Hey, I might even get my picture in the

colour supplements.

Splendid!

I'll inform the committee tomorrow evening, and then off we'll go.

Oh, I think this calls for another cup of tea, don't you?

You see, darling, problem solved.

Problem starting.

Listen, I don't give a damn where the money's coming from, so long as you

fulfill that contract you signed and make me a good hardcore pornographic

okay? Or I'll sue you for every cent you got.

like to be in on the casting sessions.

I pride myself on having quite an eye for spotting talent.

In fact, only the other day I was waiting for someone in a public

when I spotted this boy.

And I promise you, he had a magnetism that took out a mile.

All he needed, I'm sure, was someone behind him giving him a helping hand in

right place.

Yes, I don't somehow feel that the artist has really captured my own

particular charisma. I couldn't agree more, sir. If I said so myself.

Perhaps you could get the artist to touch up. An excellent idea, Mr. Green.

Oh, do stop being such a creepy little prick, Rudolph.

Tell me, have you ever done films before?

Theatre, possibly.

Television.

Have you ever done any acting before?

No?

Show us your tits then.

Well, I played a small part in the Phantom Flasher of Clapham Common. I

know if you saw it. I was the one that got raped in the back of the ice cream

van. It was a character part.

Isn't it hot in here?

I played a schoolgirl in Secrets of a Door -to -Door Rubber Freak. And then I

was the lead in Confessions of a Bondage Girl.

Oh, I played a cameo role in Naughty Nora the Wit Lady, and then I was going

play a part in The Erotic Fantasies of Moby Dick.

I was to play the title role, but it fell through.

Of course, I'll only strip off if the part calls for it.

The point is you're going to have to strip off. Oh, that's all right.

And do sex scenes.

Oh, yes, I don't mind that.

In lots of different ways. Yes, that's fine.

But it's quite a good acting part.

Acting? Acting?

You didn't say I'd have to act.

Look, I don't mind getting screwed, but I'm not doing any of that acting stuff.

What sort of girl do you take me for?

Well, in the script, you see, this girl, which is the part we're thinking of you

for, she's in this room, which is all white, you see.

Anyway, this man comes in, a dead -eye dick, and he's swinging...

And it's a beautifully written scene.

Well... He gets this vegetable marrow,

you see, and the whole thing is

completely psychological, beautifully written.

Well, anyway, what happens is... What happens is, is he strips off and gets

fucked.

But he's a good part.

When I left RADA, I did a couple of years in rep, commentary in Manchester

so on. And I did a season with the Royal Shakespeare Company, followed by a

couple of Chekhov plays at the National.

Oh, and just before that, I played Lady Macbeth at Bristol.

Stand by. We're ready to shoot.

Now, remember, Jeremy, you symbolize the dialectical collection opposite to

coming to a little distance from reality.

If you can think of your part in these terms, I think you'll find it a lot

easier to understand.

Charlie, can you turn around to face the other way?

I really want to see those colours surging outwards in their social

of snow.

OK, Brendan?

Well,

let's have quiet, everybody. I want absolute silence.

Come on, Nell. Scene one, take one.

Piss off!

Action.

Sorry. Cart!

Scene one, take two.

Grandfather!

Grandfather, I'm back!

My dear little Eskimo Nell, I've got a big surprise in store for you.

What do you think it could be?

Oh, Grandfather, I do love surprises.

What would you do if I told you it was... Dick?

Cut.

Cut.

You're Dick.

Yes, child.

It's dead -eye Dick.

Your childhood, sweetheart.

Surprise, surprise!

Oh, I'm quite sorry, but I appear to have got myself stuck.

Cut!

Lenny!

Eskimo Nell, scene 12, take 3.

Oh, Grandpa, Grandma, what wonderful presents you've

given me.

It's the happiest birthday I've had since I left the orphanage.

Now it's my turn to give you a little something.

Dick. Shall I get it out now and show it to you?

Oh, yes, please.

It's rather a big one.

I'm so excited. I can't wait.

Whatever can it be?

I know it's something you've always wanted.

Every time you use it, I want you to think of me and how I used to play with

when we were little together.

Just what I've always wanted.

Shall I put it up now?

No.

Let me do it for you.

What?

Jeremy, you were absolutely splendid.

It was just like having all our...

All right, everybody.

That's it for today.

Home.

Of course, this is going to be much more a critics' film than purely commercial,

please. Yes, I must say, it all looks quite realistic.

You will come to the hub hall.

Now, I want you to remember your motivations, please.

Psychologically, you're about to suffer the rigours of perceptual and conceptual

imperialism and opalism.

OK, Dave?

Drop it a bit.

Eskimo Nell, scene 69, take 2.

He

was

a great artist.

And a bloody good screw.

Why couldn't I take over the part?

I've been watching the way he does it, and I'm sure I could manage just as

Yeah, all right, Simon. I know I haven't had as much experience as Dave, but I

am good. Yeah, OK. And I could get you references.

I know lots of girls who tell you what I'm like. Yeah, I'm not doubting that.

Look, I'll show you.

Get me a girl and I'll show you.

Look, Simon, I really don't have the time, OK? Well, at least let me audition

for it. Simon, I'm right in the middle of trying to create a great artistic

masterpiece at the moment, and I really do not have the time. How about

understudying? Look, go and sort it out with Clive. He's the casting director.

Why don't you go and ask him?

Hey, what do you think?

Now, I want you to try and think in terms of the revolutionary process and

alienation within the stereotypism of populism. Well, I'd love to, Denny,

darling, but these jeans are so frigging tight I can hardly move in them.

Yes, well, they're symbolic of near -realistic river water.

So all I know is if I make a sudden movement in them, I'm liable to do

permanent injury.

The last entrance I shall make up the centre.

Now, I mean...

Doesn't

look too camp, does it?

No. No, not at all.

Honey, I've got this lovely Judy Garland wig at home.

Perhaps I should have brought that.

Uh, Eskimo Nell, scene 82, take one.

Action.

Hello, cowboy.

Okay, Nell, now I know it was you who put Pete and me inside.

Eskimo Nell, scene 82, take two.

Action. Hello, cowboy.

Okay, Nell, now I knows it was you put Pete and me inside.

Cut, cut.

Oh, shit, I told you they were too bloody tight.

Maggie, love.

It's a visionist.

Scene 82, take 47.

Action.

Hello, cowboy.

Okay, Nail. Now, I know it was you who put Pete and me inside.

Okay, Dick.

Up.

Right up.

More.

Okay. Drop and pee.

And action.

Come here, kid.

Get it up, dog.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

To see my director instantly.

But, Madame Villanueva... Never in my entire professional career have I worked

in such appalling conditions.

I asked for a car to meet me at the airport. What happens?

No car.

That was Harris. He ran out of petrol. I always have a car and flowers.

I always have flowers.

I didn't have time to pick any.

Oh, at La Scala Milan. I couldn't get into my dressing room because of the

flowers. Here.

I have no dressing room.

Oh, it's outrageous.

I demand to see my director.

Never, never in the whole of my life have I been treated so, insulted so,

and affronted so.

I shall have a nervous breakdown. That's what I shall do. I shall have a nervous

breakdown. I can feel one coming on right away. I'm a sensitive artist,

you understand?

Sensitive, sensitive.

Last year at Glyndebourne, I was that sensitive.

They had to sack five directors.

There you are, darling.

And who might you be?

Dennis, I'm the director.

Director?

You're very young to be a director.

Oh, you must be so talented to hold on such a tremendous position.

But that face, so angelic, so appealing.

You must be very sensitive.

Oh, I am, I am. Yes, like me, so sensible, so vulnerable.

Those eyes, so gentle.

Oh, how we artists suffer, how I have...

But then you know all about suffering.

Yes, I can see you're sensitive. You have such very hairy arms.

My seventh husband had hairy arms.

He was terribly hairy all over.

There's something about hair that inspires me, if you know what I'm

Well, uh... This part you have for me.

Is it big?

It's very symbolic.

Quiet, everybody, quiet.

Eskimo Nell, Kung Fu version, take 38.

And action.

Dear Sister Nell, you're much too much of a flippity -jibbit ever to be a

successful nun.

Why don't you stick to running up and down hillsides all day, singing your

off? It's true.

I do like to feel the cool, fresh wind in my hair some enchanted evening. As I

said, you're not cut out to be a nun.

Why don't you take up that governess's job, teaching Captain Dead -Eyed Dick's

29 pupils at his kung fu school in beautiful snowy Alaska?

Oh, wouldn't it be lovely? A room somewhere far away from the cold night

and 29 kung fu pupils. What more could a nun ask for in life?

Climb every mountain, ford every...

Follow that yellow brick road, and you could be there by sunrise or sunset.

Oh, I will. I will.

Kung Fu version take 76.

Action. Gee, kids, here's a swell barn. We could do the class right here.

Now then.

Let's start at the very beginning. A very good place to start.

Kung fu version take 97.

Action. All these years now, you thought I was just your dear old daddy dead eye

who'd been paying for you to attend the convent and who you'd never met before.

It was because I was too shy to tell you that I...

Really love you.

Prince Mexican Pete of Liechtenstein.

Not long ago I was awfully blue.

No one to talk with and nothing to do.

Now you are here holding me near and I can't think of anything

other than...

Thank you.

It's enriching in the middle passages with maybe a slight rallentando and

perhaps a little bit of Madame Butterfly. Perhaps you could write in a

part for me. My lucha de la memoir had to be seen to be believed.

Not long ago I was awfully blue, no one to talk with and nothing

to do.

Now you are here, holding me near, and I can't think of anything

other than you.

Whatever happened to the skinny little girl with pigtails, who used to sit on

ice caps at night, stroking her little pussy?

Yeah, but what's my motivation for having an erection?

Yeah, but what's my motivation for having an erection?

Yeah, but what's my motivation for having an erection?

Jenny, darling, I've got the one with the bent nozzle again. I will not work

with a bent nozzle.

If you want to watch it, you do. You'll end up like that horse over there. What

do you mean?

Mounted and stuffed.

I wish you'd been at the private screening yesterday,

Bishop. You would have enjoyed it. I don't recall having been so deeply

by a film for a long time. It really is... Quite charming and totally

inoffensive.

In fact, I'd go so far as to predict that Eskimo Nell will become a film

in time.

I wish I'd been able to come along and see it for myself. But unfortunately, I

was tied up with a curate from Lincolnshire all morning.

The sort of film you could take your maiden aunt to without fear of

embarrassment. In fact, it's quite refreshing to see something not full of

women and girls, young, taking off their clothes.

Show him that.

Oh, it's in there. The bodies.

The naked bodies.

Quite, Lord Holdren, quite.

And Jeremy is quite wonderful in it, aren't you, darling?

Oh, marvellous.

No, no, I mean it. You reminded me of a young Lionel Barrymore when you were up

there on the screen.

Oh, marvellous.

I think for our first venture into films, we really have backed a winner.

As they say. Something you can take the whole family to without being weird in

any way.

Pure escapism. That's what going to the cinema is all about. Not all this

pornography and sex and distorting innocent young minds.

I know. I've studied pornography over the years and I know what effect it can

have on you.

Ladies and gentlemen.

On behalf of the Society for Moral Reform, I'd just like to take this

opportunity to thank Dennis and his friends for having produced such a truly

charming and delightful film.

And now I have some wonderful news

for you.

As you know, we've been trying to arrange a charity premiere for some

Well... This morning I received word that our very own film, Eskimo Nell, has

been chosen for the Royal Charity Performance the day after tomorrow.

you shut up and sit down.

I just want to see my diaper on the silver screen.

Billy, will you shut up?

So the film turned out okay, eh?

Yes, thank you.

Just as long as it's good and pornographic.

Yes, yes. Did you shoot that scene with the giant chocolate dildo like I asked?

Yes, it's all in there.

Hey, do you know that somebody went and stole our title?

There's a film opening tomorrow night and it's got exactly the same name.

Eskimo Nell. It was in the paper. this morning. Right above the funny.

Well, I guess we'll have to think up another title. Yeah, like maybe I Am

Curious Snowy or something, huh?

Oh, Billy, will you shut up and let us get on with the screening?

And if I haven't got a hard -on by the end of the first reel, I'll want to know

the reason why.

Hang about a bit. I'll soon get rid of him.

I just thought I'd pop round to see if I can help out at the premiere tomorrow

night. What?

Well, I don't know, do I?

Look, Harris isn't here at the moment, so perhaps... Oh, that's all right. I

don't mind waiting.

You better now.

Better?

Oh, yeah, yeah, it's healed up OK.

I didn't mean to chop you with my clapper. It's just you sort of had it

in the wrong direction when I banged it. Look, Simon, I'm a bit busy right now.

Do you think you could come back later when Harris is here? Yes, of course.

It's just...

Well, I don't suppose you'd know if there are any spare tickets going, would

you? Only I've never been to a premiere before.

Well, I don't know, do I? Here, what is this, a deputation?

He followed me upstairs.

Is this Fletch, mate?

Harris, Tweedle? Well, he's not in.

He's out at the moment.

Only I was told to call round and pick up some cans of film.

Special order.

Well, you'd better come in, then.

Make it quick, will you?

Look, Thurman, do me a favor, will you? Deal with this. Please come to the film

for tomorrow night. It's over there, look.

Let me see now.

Eskimo Nell.

What the hell's all this crap? I mean, who's the fat guy in the little boy

Why am I up there, huh?

Because you ain't come on yet. Well, shut up and watch the screen.

Jeez.

So why ain't she dropped him yet? Look, I can explain.

And who's Patrick the Penguin?

I can't remember.

Screwed by a penguin?

If you'd let me explain. I don't want any explanations. I want to see tits and

asses. I remember the bit with the polar bear.

But we've got it all. It just has been a terrible mistake. Don't give me any of

that bullshit.

I ain't interested.

So how come I ain't appeared yet, huh?

Billy, will you knock it off and let me lose my temper in peace and quiet for

once?

Hey!

Where'd they go?

How come Russian?

Western version?

It's not here. Where the hell is it? Have you lost something?

The pornographic version. It was here. Harris, the stupid great prick, picked

the wrong one for Big Dick.

What's up?

The family version. Where is it?

Well, a chap came and picked it up about an hour ago.

Asked Simon. He dealt with it.

Did I do something wrong?

They'll show the pornographic version of the premiere tomorrow night. Harris,

will you stop worrying for God's sake? All we've got to do is to phone up and

get it back and give them the right one.

Clive! Clive, will you stop panicking? Are you getting through yet? It's real.

I'm sorry if I've messed things up. Yeah, all right. I'll just go make some

coffee, OK?

It's all my fault. Harris, don't you start.

Hello. I wonder if you could help me.

Yes? Yes?

I don't know, mate.

They've all gone home. I won't be back till the morning.

I'm just a night watchman.

Yeah, I just got a... Eskimo what? No.

It's for the premiere tomorrow.

It's perfectly all right. We made the film, but there's been a slight mix -up,

you see.

You've got the wrong version.

Yeah, yeah, well, I don't know about that, mate.

I mean, the bloke you want to speak to is Mr Hawthorne.

But he's on holiday.

He should be back on Monday. Look, if we brought the right version over in the

morning, say about... What do you mean, have we got the right forms? We made the

bloody thing!

Look, mate, all I'm saying is, if it's for the command performance...

You've got to have a letter of authority from the owners.

And they're the... Hang on a minute.

Here we are.

Eskimo Nell.

The Society for Moral Reform.

Now, now, mate.

You have to have a letter of authority from them before I can release any cans

of film.

This is ridiculous.

Do you mean to say we can't even have our own film back?

Look, mate, I'm very sorry, but if it's for the dude tomorrow night, that film

will be under lock and key till it gets to the cinema.

We've got to have a letter from Lady Longhorn before they let us have it.

joking. No way.

Could you give me a few details of the exact procedure, please? There must be

some way we can switch the versions. We are done for.

Now, the van with the cans of film in it should arrive down this road on its way

to the cinema, there.

Now then, Dennis, you and Harris will drive along here in car number one and

drive around here to this point here.

Right.

So let's get it straight.

The moment I give three blasts on the whistle, that's your signal, Clive,

to fake the crash here.

You distract the van driver so that Harris can jump out from under the

and switch the versions.

Now, what can possibly go wrong?

Eskimo note, the Royal Premier.

Thank you.

Christ, it's the wrong band.

Come on! You must be in cinema!

Stop the film. You've got to stop the film. You've got the wrong version.

You're too late, mate. It's on.

Hello, Nell. Hello, Dick.

Do you want to fuck?

Hi there, young Dennis.

What are you doing here, then? I've made my first film.

That's what I'm doing in here.

Oh, yeah?

I got arrested at London Airport.

Bleeding customs officer.

I'll sue him. That's what I'll do when I get out. I'll sue him.

Well, cheer up, young Harris. It's not the end of the world.

Listen, there are three fellas that are on the board of prison governors.

I've already had a word with them about the money.

Now, I've done this deal to do a co -production with a women's prisoner all

way.

Marvellous idea for a picture. Tell me what you think of it.

Prison sex.

The thing is, we've got to use the governor's wife in the lead part.

And the only problem is, she's got such bloody awful tits.