All language subtitles for Ellen s04e03 Splitsville, man

And so let's raise a glass to Harold
Cornelius Morgan, my father, my mother's

husband, and everyone's favorite
retiring patent attorney.

Cheers. Cheers.

Okay, applause, applause.

And then Audrey rolls a cake in, and I
tell everyone about Mom and Dad's big

trip that I'm giving them, and they tell
me how wonderful I am, and I tell them

to stop, but they don't, so I say, no,
really.

And then the newspapers come in, and
they take pictures of me and Jean

Van Damme, and some of those things
might not happen.

It's perfect to do it just like that at
the party.

Something's not there yet. I'm going to
start over.

Well, you know, I don't know how it
could possibly get any better.

Thanks,

Tom.

What was that? That laugh? That wasn't
there before. I just remembered my dad's

friend Tom always starts with any who
without any further ado.

Thanks for that wonderful intro, Tom.

And you won't be needing a bib tonight
with that tie, I'll tell you that.

So let's raise a glass. You know, Elle,
the first six times I couldn't quite

understand it. Now, what exactly does
the bib thing mean?

What is that about?

It means that she's going to serve
lobster at the party.

Where'd you get that idea?

Why else would people be wearing bibs?
They're not wearing bibs.

It's a joke. Tom wears the big wide
ties.

Oh.

You've got to start a speech with a
joke.

Okay, well, are you married to that one?

Trust me, this crowd would love that
joke. I'm going to start over.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain and
Tennille.

Yeah!

in the closet.

It's big, isn't it? It's huge, yeah. I
mean, I wouldn't want to spend a lot of

time in there, you know, entertaining or
anything. Like, here come my parents.

Okay, you stall while I put this gift in
the guest bedroom. Tell them I'm in the

bathroom. No, the half bath. That's more
sophisticated.

You know what to say.

Yoo -hoo!

Oh, it's beautiful!

Our little girl buying her own house.
You know, it seems just like yesterday

that she was running through the
sprinklers in the front yard and chasing

up and down the street.

That was Pepper, dear.

You're absolutely right, Lois. Where is
my head today?

You must be Ellen's parents.

Guilty as charged.

Hi, Margaret Reid. I'm Ellen's realtor.

Ellen's in the guest room. No, bathroom.
No, in the half -bathroom. I know what

to say.

Hi,

Lois. I'm guessing four -bedroom
colonial in Orange County.

Yes!

Do me now.

Well, what do you think? Have you liked
it?

Look how the light hits the floor. Look
at the niches. Two niches in one room.

Isn't that really great?

Tell me the truth. You like it unless
you hate it, then lie. No, we love it,

Ellie. And the fireplace is beautiful.

Isn't that what makes a house a home?

And there is nothing like standing naked
in front of a fireplace.

Thank you, Margaret.

So, um...

Have you seen the guest bedroom? Not
yet, no. Because you just got here.

got to go check it out. It's down there
to the left. And it's where you're going

to stay when you come to visit. You
know, which is occasionally. Not too

Maybe twice a year. Whatever. You're
always welcome.

Go, shoo, scat, go, scat. The guest
bedroom. Go see what's in there.

Oh, this is so great. Oh, you are so
lucky. Oh, I remember. I remember

my mother my first house.

She said it was too wide.

Wide.

It wasn't wide.

She was stupid.

She was stupid and drunk.

But your parents, they are lovely.

Here they come.

Well?

Ellen, I think we need to talk.

Oh, I know my cue.

How do you like your gift?

14 days on the Sunset Limited. You're
finally going to take that cross

train trip that you've always dreamed
of. I was going to wait and give it to

at the retirement party tomorrow night,
but I just couldn't wait. Look at you.

You're thrilled. You're speechless. Why
am I the only one talking?

It's just a wonderful gift, dear, but
it's just not the right time for us. I

already thought of that little extra
star charge, but I thought it's worth

If I know my parents are not going to
like the dates I picked out, you can

change them. No, Ellie, we really can't
take this. Yeah, we wanted to wait until

after tomorrow to tell you this so we
wouldn't spoil the party, but we need

time alone.

Ah, it's a big train, believe me.

There's like an observation deck,
there's a club car, there's a smoking

know you don't smoke, but now that
you're tired, maybe you could take it

Ellen, your father and I...

are separating.

I think you just spoiled the party.

Oh, Ellen, come here. We're all taking
passwords for our new computerized cash

register. I'm Princess.

Mine's Bacteria.

Pick one, Ellen.

My parents are separating.

Ooh, that's too many letters.

Ellen, you're late.

Sorry, Ed. I just found out my parents
are separating.

Ellen, I used that excuse last week. It
doesn't work.

Joseph, I fear that she's telling the
truth.

This cannot be real. I mean, I know it's
a dream and I'm going to wake up and

you'll be there and you'll be there.

What about me, your old pal Joe?

Ellen, I know exactly what's happening.

She's going through the five stages of
grief.

Ellen, can you hear me?

Yes, Audrey, I don't think that deafness
is one of the stages.

Okay, what you're going through is
perfectly normal.

You're in the first stage of grief,
which is denial.

If I could just change today, I would do
anything.

Okay, now you're in stage three,
bargaining. You completely skipped over

Shut up, Audrey.

There it is.

What is she doing?

She's making a lot of little noises.

Uh -oh.

She's going to cry.

I'm not going to cry.

Joseph, do something.

All right. Everybody stand back.

I'm going to hold her. I'm fine. I'm
fine. Ellen, are you okay? Your parents

called and told us what's going on.

They're worried because you're not so
upset.

Ellen, I know how this feels, and I just
want to tell you that I'm your best

friend and I'm here for you.

Oh, yeah.

Good time, Paige.

Yeah, you're there for me now, but for
how long?

talking about? Well, my parents said
they'd be there for me, too, and look

happens. 34 years later, wham!

Pull the rug right out from under me.
How can I believe you? How can I believe

anyone? What can you really count on in
this world other than that the sun's

gonna come up every day and every Ally
Sheedy movie's gonna go straight to

video? What can you really count on?

Ellen, I'm family, all right? I'm here
for you. I'm not going anywhere.

Spence, I think that's a whole other
problem.

Ellen, you know you can count on me.

If there's anything in the world you
need, just name it. I'd love a cup of

coffee. That'll be a buck fifty.

It's on me.

What is she saying?

Wait, what is she saying?

That she was just showing them the
fireplace and how the light was hitting

floor.

And then Menudo, Margaret, Margaret said
something cool.

Well, I have a four -year -old.

Talking about Jodie Foster?

Oh, and then you gave them the train
tickets.

And they said they were separated.

Well,

Ellen, in my house, when we have a
problem, we call a family meeting.

Everybody gets together, we all sit down
and talk about it, and nobody leaves

until it's fixed.

Maybe you ought to have a family
meeting. Okay.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

What did she say?

Oh, I'm not going to repeat that.

Anybody care for more orange juice? No,
thanks, but I could use one of those

Girl Scout Thin Mints if you got some
kicking around.

Dad, this is not a social thing. This is
a family meeting.

We have a problem. Nobody's leaving here
until we solve it. Oh, honey, we know

you're upset, but...

That doesn't mean we can't enjoy some
refreshments.

Upset? You think I'm upset?

Wait till your son Stevie calls. I
wouldn't want to be in your separated

Stevie? Yeah, hi.

Listen, Mom and Dad have a little
announcement they want to make. I'm

put you on speakerphone.

Sweetheart, are you there?

Hey, guys.

Sorry I'm breaking up. I'm in the car.

Hey, Dad, happy retirement.

Did you get my gift?

Hey, Stevie, those golf clubs. Oh, you
shouldn't have.

Oh, Dad, you're worth it.

Hey, Stevie, listen, I was out with the
clubs the other day, and guess who I

saw? John Ritter. My question is, why
isn't that man working?

Stevie, you can call Dad on your own
time. This is a family meeting.

Your sister is very upset.

Mom, tell him. They're separating.

What the hell's wrong with you?

I'm sorry, some jerk in a Beamer just
cut me off. What were you saying?

Mom and Dad are separating.

Wow, really?

Yeah. Are you kidding?

Yeah, no, I'm not kidding. What does
that make you feel like? Like your whole

childhood was a lie?

Not really.

Mom, Dad, are you both happy?

Yes.

I guess I'm okay.

Oh, man, I just got the most amazing
parking space.

Thanks for your help. Hey, thanks for
the clubs.

Okay, bye -bye.

Bye, guys. Love you, Ellen.

Love you more.

Okay.

Oh, he doesn't know what he's talking
about. He used to sit on the porch and

pound rolls of caps with a big rock. How
smart is that?

Honey, we didn't plan on this happening.

You know, marriage is so unpredictable.

It's like a... like a volcano.

I think it's like a wave.

No, I don't think it's like a wave at
all, dear.

Well, that's where we disagree.

Harold, you're making a scene.

I'm sorry, Ellie. That was ugly.

That's it? That's what you call
disagreeing? We almost lost it there.

Oh, well, there's a reason to end a 37
-year marriage. Oh, honey, I think we

should just cancel the retirement party
for tomorrow.

Oh, really?

Oh, what a surprise.

I see Harold and Lois Morgan see a
little problem in the road and they want

quit. Well, let me tell you something
about Ellen Inez Morgan. She's no

I don't know where I got that from.

Maybe your Uncle Frank?

Harold, she's being sarcastic.

You know, I'll tell you something. We're
going to have that party. We're going

to have that party and you're going to
go and you're going to enjoy yourself

you're going to put on a big fake smile
and act like everything's A -OK.

Because that's the Morgan way.

How's she doing?

Well, could be better. Of course, most
of the dollar bills are mine.

I meant Ellen.

Oh, she... Who?

She's fine.

Ellen,

you ever see these napkins?

You don't have to be crazy to work here,
but it helps.

That's a great party, isn't it?

Yeah, oh boy, man, best ever.

Everybody's really enjoying themselves,
me especially.

So, what are you doing in here?

Invoices, just getting a jump on next
year's inventory.

I'm sorry I was a blubbering mess
yesterday. That announcement from my

just the last thing in the world I
expected.

Ellen, give yourself a break.

It's only natural that you're upset.

I mean, look, this is your family.

I'll tell you, I've got two beautiful
daughters that I love more than life

itself, and...

I promise myself, no matter what
happened between Sarah and me... You and

have problems? No.

No, we never fight.

Uh -oh. Red flag alert.

No, no.

No, no, no. Everything is just fine.

You know what?

She's my rock. She's my best friend.

Oh, boy. This sounds familiar.

Those are poor kids. They don't even
know what's coming.

Look, do yourself a favor. Call your
wife. Tell her you're coming home.

Drag your kids out of bed. Set them on
the couch. If you have a little tiny

prop it up so it doesn't fall over.

Fix them all something to eat. You and
your wife have a big screaming fight in

front of them.

Otherwise, they're never going to
understand why you're splitting up.

We're not splitting up.

There's got to be a reason my parents
are separating. We're going to find out

why. Come on. You got the thing rolling?
Roll it.

Excuse me. I'm going to make a happy
retirement tape for my dad. I was

if you'd say a few things to him. Oh,
certainly, Ellen. Hi.

My name is Rose Walker.

I've been your daddy's secretary for 25
years. Oh, he's a wonderful man. Look

who I'm talking to.

Yeah, wonderful, wonderful.

Okay, so 25 years, you're never going to
see him again. Relationship over.

That's it.

What do you mean?

Oh, I guess you'll just take up with
another patent attorney, huh?

That's what I do. I'm a secretary.

Oh, Harold, we're really going to miss
you. I'm not finished yet, Miss Rose

Walker.

If that's your real name.

One more question.

My dad ever come on to you?

What the hell kind of tape is this?

she's hiding something. Come on. I don't
know if this is the happy retirement

tape your dad was expecting. Yeah, just
keep that thing rolling. Come on.

Hey, Jim, how are you? Hey, little
Ellie.

Yeah. So, you want to say something to
your brother here?

Hey, Harold, you old blankety blank.

So, uh, you've known my dad for a long
time. You ever see him argue with my

No. Hmm. You're saying in 37 years you
never once saw him fight?

Ellie, I live in Davenport. Don't be
flippant.

Okay, one more question. You were at
their wedding when they said to love,

honor, and obey. Did they say till death
do us part, or did they say for kind of

a really long time till it gets to be
too hard?

No further questions.

Oh, wait. Ellen, let me do something for
your dad, okay? Okay, quickly, because

I'm doing something. Okay, me.

Happy retirement.

To you.

Happy retirement, Mr.

Moore.

I have the grave misfortune of having
worked with Harold Morgan for 40 years.

Oh, boy, here it comes.

Well, one Harold story leaps immediately
to mind. One morning, we came in and

found no coffee had been made. Well, old
Harold, he went right in there and he

made some. Perked us all up. But later
in the day, he did have to admit that it

was decaf.

Now you see the kind of hijinks I put up
with down at the office.

It's amazing he never got any work done
at all.

Anywho, without further ado, let's have
a few words from our hostess with the

mostest, Harold's daughter, Ellen
Morgan.

Thanks. Thanks, Tom.

Boy, with that turtleneck, you won't be
needing a bib for the lobster.

to my dad.

You know, when I find out he was
retiring, I thought, great, now he and

get to do all the things they ever
wanted to do. You know, like see this

country of ours. So as a retirement
gift, I bought him a first -class cross

-country train trip.

Shut up! They're not going.

No, they're separating.

Ellen, maybe this isn't the right time.

Oh, no? Why not?

Of course it's the right time.
Everybody's here to celebrate your life.

like to call the big fat lie.

Look at this, everybody.

Cake. Places, all the places that my
folks won't be going.

Las Vegas?

Uh -uh. Sorry, Siegfried. Sorry, Roy.
Won't be going there. Mount Rushmore?

No, Mr. Lincoln. No whoever else is
there.

The only train these two lazy quitters
will be taking is the no apparent reason

express to Splitsville.

So, okay, who's for cake? Mom, Dad, you
probably want separate pieces, huh?

I think everybody wants separate pieces
out here.

She's over here in this O.

You know, Alan, you really left us in a
bit of a pickle back there.

We had a lot of explaining to do to
everybody at the party.

You know, it's just like when you were a
little girl.

You always used to climb up in a tree
when you were upset.

Alan Inez Morgan, I demand that you come
down right now.

Don't make me come up there.

Just because you're sitting in a letter
doesn't mean you're too old to spank.

Well, I'm dry.

I want to know why.

Why what, dear?

Why you're separating. I mean, there's
got to be a reason.

I know you want some big answer, like
that I found your father in bed with

another woman, but it just didn't happen
that way.

I'm into that.

What happened was the other night...

We were sitting in the kitchen, eating
some of your mom's famous roasted

chicken, and she looked up at me and she
said, what are we going to do with the

rest of our lives?

And I said, I don't know.

And that was it.

We just sort of fell out of love, I
guess.

So? You fell out of love. You can fall
back in love.

It's like bell bottoms. Wait 15 years,
it'll come back around again.

I wish there was some way we could make
this easy for you, but we can't.

This is so out of nowhere.

I mean, put yourself in my shoes.

You know, what if I said something
shocking to you? Like, my whole life has

a lie, and I'm really left -handed.

Oh, God, you're a lefty.

No, I'm not.

All I'm saying is, why change now? I
mean, 37 years you've been married. I

how much time do you have left?

I mean, you're my mom and dad, I hope, a
lot, but dating -wise, who are you

going to find?

It's not about finding someone else.
It's about finding ourselves.

Okay, we'll find you then. Let's do
that.

We'll go see somebody, somebody neutral,
like a counselor or a therapist or

Jerry Springer.

Please?

For me?

Well, honey, if you want to see one,
sure, we'll go with you.

Yeah, really?

Sure, Ellie.

Now come on down.

It's a nice night. I think I'll stay up
here a little longer.

All right, honey.

We love you.

Love you more.

Put your pants back on.