Original subtitles

This frame cost me way too much money, but I don't care. I haven't shot a

picture this good in months.

Anything here?

Looks good.

All right.

Yes? I'll need the hammer.

Really? Aren't you the boy who failed woodshop when his bookshelves collapsed?

They gave us substandard lumber.

I know how to hang a picture. Right. Well, how do you find a stud?

Usually I just undo my top button and let him find me.

Electronic stud finder.

Here? Nothing.

Here, however, we find the sturdiest place on the wall to drive a nail.

That's it.

Clearly substandard lumber.

Probably just a little bit over.

Looks like you got it surrounded.

Ah, all right.

You want to do the honors?

What do you call that thing anyway?

I haven't named it yet.

Really no hurry.

And that is funny.

Unbelievable.

Teresa, that is the most amazing play.

Oh.

Sure. Sorry.

You've got to be kidding.

Hey, busy? No, I am just reading this one sentence over and over and over

It is really good.

So how was your romantic weekend in Palm Springs? Fantastic.

Don and I went swimming. We went hiking. We played tennis. We were hardly ever

in our rooms.

Rooms up.

It was very romantic.

Don insisted that we have separate rooms.

That does sound romantic.

Maybe next time you can go to Hawaii and stay on separate islands.

Don is a gentleman.

He wants to take things slow because he respects me.

And that's okay with you?

Ellen, relationships are not just about sex.

Besides this waiting thing, it's a huge turn on.

Hey, God, that Teresa is so funny.

Teresa? She's like my second best friend in the world.

Still number one.

So, it's all set up. She's flying out this weekend. She's going to stay here

until she finds a job.

You're still okay with this, right?

Yeah, sure.

I'm glad I'm finally getting to meet her. I was beginning to think you made

up.

What? Like your Canadian girlfriend.

Renee, it was not imaginary.

You just didn't get to meet her.

Because she moved to Australia.

To become a supermodel.

Okay, I made her up. But Teresa's real, you'll see. Seriously, she's like the

funniest person I know.

Are you sure you mean funniest?

Okay, maybe second funniest.

Number one.

I'm at this Knicks game, right? And I look over, and there was a guy writhing

around in the aisles, right? And nobody's doing anything. So, of course,

over there, and I'm, like, searching through his stuff for, like, pills or a

rope or something, anything.

And I get this asthma inhaler, and I think, well, thank God he's having an

asthma attack.

So I put it in his mouth, and I push down, and wham! It is not an inhaler. It

an air horn.

Wham! his mouth. That's so funny.

That's funny.

That reminds me of the time that we went to that Dodgers game and we didn't have

any tickets and we were trying to find a scalper and everybody that we met was

coming up to us and asking us if we had any tickets to sell. And then later on

we found out that that's how scalpers ask you if you want to buy tickets, if

have any to sell.

It was so weird.

That's a funny story.

Thank you.

So, Teresa, how was your flight over?

That was incredible. Oh, I didn't tell you. I got bumped at first class.

You aren't going to believe this. I was walking into the terminal, and I had

that sort of hot dog -shaped carry -on thing that you get at the pilot himself.

My next boyfriend moves to Boston, right? And he says I'm not adventurous

enough, which you, come on. But I miss him, so I think I'm going to surprise

him. So I put on this big raincoat, nothing underneath. Zip, okay?

And I get on the train. It's a Friday night. I ride the whole night in the

train, nothing underneath. I'm just naked underneath this raincoat. I go to

house. He opens the door. I'm about to whip off the coat. I look over. His mom

and dad are sitting at the dining room table.

What did you do?

I was starving. I took off the coat, sat down, and had dinner.

Some people say I got a million of them, but you do. You have an actual million.

I think we've heard them all today.

I've gone on, haven't I? I'm sorry I do that. Sorry for what? For making our

sides ache with laughter?

I should go.

Oh, you're not going to have dinner with us?

No, I have got a date.

But it was really nice meeting you. Nice to meet you.

Take care. Bye -bye. I'll walk you out. Okay, ciao.

Ciao. Oh, ciao.

I didn't tell you about Anthony.

Anthony is a guy I met in the ruins. Well, it wasn't the real ruins. It was

by SeaWorld in San Diego.

Hey. What was that?

What? Oh, just the sound of my own voice.

Like Teresa, she sure can talk.

All you can do is just sit back and enjoy the show. Yeah, I think that show

needs an intermission.

What, you don't think she's funny?

Yeah, I mean, she's funny, you know. It's just that, don't you think she's

trying a little too hard?

I mean, she's so transparent. I mean, she's just dying for attention. Look at

me, look at me, I'm funny. Well, guess what, Teresa, we see you.

How can Adam be friends with somebody who's so insecure?

I mean, you know, I'm funny.

I know I'm funny, but I don't need to go around making sure everybody else knows

it. And I know that you think I'm funny, but I don't need to hear you say that

you think I'm funny.

Although if you would say it, I mean, now would be a good time to say it.

Ellen, you're funny. Oh, thanks.

Can I go now? Yeah. Bye. Bye.

in my living room.

The boudoir is this way.

Don.

Don.

You're here.

I don't know if I really need to see your bedroom.

Wait, wait, wait. Maybe you're not following me.

The captain has granted you permission to come aboard.

Paige, I'm confused. I thought that we understood each other.

Yeah, I understand. You're a gentleman, and you're waiting for me to give you

the signal.

Look, when we finally leave, I just want it to be special.

Oh.

Oh.

Special.

I'll call you tomorrow.

You know, I have a really special scented candle that I could... Very

Kidding. Special.

And he never even set foot in my bedroom, okay? He says he wants it to be

special. I mean, what does that mean, special?

Maybe it means he wants to wear your underwear.

Three days ago, you were giddy because he was a decent guy who wants to take it

slow. Yeah, but that was before. Last night, I gave him the go -ahead, and he

didn't go.

Never happened to me before.

I thought you said the waiting was a turn -on.

Ellen, this is not about sex anymore. It is about self -respect.

I have got to get him to jump me.

Ellen, you ready to go?

Where are you going?

Well, when Teresa gets back, we're all going to the Rose Bowl swap meet. Well,

that sounds great. Can I go?

Sure. Good, that's good that you're going, because I can't go. I realize

need to go to the bookstore.

The bookstore is closed. It's Sunday. I know that. I own it. I just think that

it's good if, you know, people do show up, that I'm there to mouth out, it's

closed.

It's just a personal thing that I like to do for people. Ellen, I thought we

were all going to hang out with Teresa.

Yeah, well, you two will be there, and then thousands more at the flea market

listen to her story, so, you know.

What's that supposed to mean?

Do you have some sort of problem with Teresa?

No, I don't. It's just, you know, I am not a card -carrying member of the

fan club.

I don't worship at the altar of Blessed Teresa, Holy Saint of Ha -Ha.

Ellen, you know, I think you may be a little jealous because Teresa's so

Jealous? Okay, now that is funny. That's funny. Look, I'm taking off before

Teresa gets here and the Laugh Olympics begin again.

I hope a story doesn't happen between here and the door.

I know it won't be a half -hour story about how I lost a peanut in the park

that doozy that Teresa told.

Hey, Teresa's here!

I am a horrible person.

I'm the lowest form of life.

I've never felt so rotten.

Guess I just need a big shoulder to cry on.

Joe, aren't you at least curious as to why I'm so upset?

If this is about that curt comment you made to me last week, the hurt has

passed. No, Joe, this is not about you. It's not?

Well, I'm all ears then.

Yesterday I said some horrible things about Teresa, and she heard me, and now

she's really hurt, and Adam is furious with me.

You know, I had exactly the same thing happen to me once. I had this circle of

friends and we were really tight. And one day this new guy came in. Well, I

guess I thought there wasn't room for him. So I was really mean and vicious

just went off on him one day. And I felt really bad.

So did you make it up to him? I don't remember.

It was the fifth grade, I mean.

I think I gave him my wacky packs.

You know, I'm not in fifth grade. And why would I be threatened by Teresa?

Because she's funny?

Yeah, she's funny.

All right, I'm jealous.

I can't... I mean, I've never been a competitive person. Well, actually, you

are. What?

No, I'm not.

No, five bucks says I'm the least competitive person here. Okay, okay.

You win, I give.

I mean, I've never been competitive. In school, I didn't go out for sports or

cheerleading or student council. I mean, I just sat in the back of the class and

just cracked everybody up, cracking jokes.

Kind of the class clown, huh? Well, actually, the exact wording was funniest

senior girl.

The casual observer might think that you still define yourself by this one award

you won in high school.

Why? Because of this?

No, I mean, you know, it's not like I hang it on the wall or anything.

Awful shiny.

Yeah, well, you have to polish brass.

You know what?

Can you cover for me?

Sure. Thanks.

Hey. I'm glad you're here.

I came to apologize for being such a jerk. Where's Teresa? I want to

to her, too.

She's gone.

What do you mean, she's gone? She decided L .A. wasn't the place for her,

she's on her way back to New York.

Happy now?

She flew back to New York because of me?

Oh, yeah.

Because of you.

The plane leaves in about 20 minutes.

20 minutes?

I can make it.

No one leaves Los Angeles without an apology from Ellen Morgan.

Okay, I made it.

I didn't think I was going to make it. I made it.

Excuse me, can I see your boarding pass?

Oh, I'm not flying anywhere. I'm just coming to visit a friend, just quickly.

I'm going to visit and then I'm leaving before the plane takes off.

Obviously, before the plane takes off. I'm not going to get off after the plane

takes off.

That'd be...

Crazy. I plummet to my death.

So,

ma 'am, I'm sorry. I can't allow you to board this plane.

Did I, um... Oh, I forgot to mention. It's a medical emergency.

I've got a friend.

She's here, and what she needs desperately from me is, um... certs.

She's got atrocious breath. It's just... Wait till you get near her. She goes,

can I get a club soda? Oh, yeah, just...

Life -threatening. You're just going to thank me. Ma 'am, I'm sorry.

Just two minutes. Just two minutes. I see her, I freshen her breath, and I

leave.

What do you say? If it wasn't important, I wouldn't be begging like this.

Please. Make it quick. You are so sweet. So much nicer than a lot of these.

Hi.

Teresa, hi.

Ellen, what are you doing here?

Is this her?

Yes.

I came to see you. Would you come off the plane with me? I want to talk to

No, we're about to fly off. I don't have anything to say to you. Yeah, but I

have a lot to say to you, please.

Look, look, Ellen, I know that you don't like me. It's okay. You don't have to

like everybody.

Oh, but I do.

Flight attendants, please prepare for departure.

Come on, they're going to take off. Just come off the plane for a minute with

me.

I'm sorry.

You're still here. Yeah, I'm leaving.

It's too late. They've pulled out the jetway.

You'll be flying with us to New York today.

Really?

Teresa, I am not getting off this plane until you hear me out.

I know you're here by mistake, but you still have to pay for your seat.

What are you going to do, kick me out?

He'll charge you for throwing away. It's a federal offense.

Do you take Discover?

Oh, peanuts.

That's good.

That makes it worth being up this high.

And they're honey roasted. That's better than the regular kind. They're tasty.

Did you get your peanuts, Teresa? No.

What you reading?

Not you, her.

As a matter of fact, would you mind terribly if we switched seats?

Actually, I prefer the middle.

What are you, crazy? Who likes the middle?

I like it.

All right.

We at the FAA like to refer to the middle seat as the death seat.

We come up with cute little nicknames like that for all the plane crashes.

My seat, of course, would be considered the seat of life.

Oh, sorry. I hate when people do that to me.

Nice and warm.

Oh, hope there's a good movie on.

It's always good to have a movie on a long flight like this.

Oh, Geronimo.

He's an Indian.

It's funny that they would have Geronimo on an airplane for a movie because

that's what people yell when they jump out of airplanes. They yell, you know,

Geronimo!

what I would yell.

Help!

There's the door. Nobody's stopping you.

Good, we're talking. See, that's good. You know what?

Whether you believe it or not, it had nothing to do with you. None of that. It

was me. I was insecure and I was threatened because you were funny.

That's not me. That's not how I am. I'd like to start over.

And if you think about it, really, it's going to be a funny story.

Really? So I go to L .A. to visit this friend of mine, and this crazy lady is

stupid that she says all these horrible things about me, so I decide to leave

and fly back to New York. When she chases me onto the plane, it won't stop

badgering me until I finally, maybe, probably had to forgive her.

Well, I suppose it's either that or you follow me around the rest of my life?

I'll do it, too. I will.

It's hard to imagine, but I can be pretty annoying.

Oh, you know who's annoying?

Huh? My sister -in -law. What? Did I tell you about the picnic we had? No.

Wasn't today special?

Yes, it was.

Look at that beautiful sunset through the smog.

That is so special to me.

I don't know how much more special it can get.

Oh, I think I have an idea.

with an eye. She had a very irritating voice. Plus, she had no upper lip. You

ever see a person like this?

Hi, I'm Tony. How are you? I have to work with this every day. Oh, I hate

How do they feel like that? I don't know.

Ladies,

you need to get off.

We need to prepare the aircraft for its return to Los Angeles.

What do you say, Teresa? We make it a round trip?

I wanted to show you New York.

Oh, it's lovely. Let's go back.

What's the movie back to L .A.?

I may be a little bit over my limit.

You don't know how happy I am that this moment has finally come.

Me too.

I was starting to believe that you weren't attracted to me. Oh, no. Believe

Believe me. I am attracted to you.

You know, you wouldn't believe the bizarre, twisted reasons that I came up

for you wanting to wait. No, I just... I wanted it to be special.

And now it is. Yeah.

You know what would make it even more special?

What?

If I could wear your pantyhose.

All right.

And then the day I'm supposed to meet her, he tells me that she's moved to

Canada. Oh, I remember Renee.

Although in New York, she was from Houston.

Guys. You know what? For a long time, I thought you were imaginary.

No, no. I thought you were. I thought, how pathetic. He's making up his

friend.

Hey, guy, what do you say we go check out a movie, huh? He used to have panic

attacks back then.

It got to the point where if the phone rang in the middle of the night, I'd

pick it up and say, Adam, honey, shush, you're not having a heart attack. Bye

-bye.

No, I think I was happier when you didn't like Teresa.

No, I get one.

Have you ever seen him with his mother?

Why don't you sit down? There's something important I have to tell you.

Something important?

Sure.

Go ahead.

I'm not being funny here. This is serious.

Okay, shoot, shoot.

I guess you've noticed that business has been kind of slow lately.

Ellen, you kill me. You are so funny.

Well, this is not a joke. I mean, the whole state is in a recession. We're in

recession, right?

have to cut back your pay.

I don't get it.