Original subtitles

Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for

you may not be right for some. A man is born, he's a man of means.

Then along come two, they got nothing but the genes. But they got different

strokes to take, different strokes to take, different strokes to move the

Now listen, everybody.

If Arnold doesn't feel up to it, let's not bug him about it.

It's his privilege.

Now, see, Dad knows there's no use for a guy my size to go out for football.

Oh, now, wait a minute. I didn't say that.

There have been many outstanding football players who were not big guys.

Oh, yeah?

Who? All right, there was Cotton Warburton, All -American, USC.

There was Buddy Young, All -American, Illinois.

Eddie LeBaron was the quarterback for the Washington Redskins.

As a matter of fact, I played football, and I'm not exactly Mean Joe Green.

You're not even one of his legs.

What position did you play?

Tight end.

But by halftime, I was always sober.

You won't believe this, but I actually caught the touchdown pass that won us

last game.

I went deep into the end zone, see?

And then Johnny U played it right in there.

Johnny Unitas? You played with Johnny Unitas?

No, no, Johnny U, Y -U, Japanese exchange student.

He was very small, but he was fast, like you, Arnold. He could run like a

rabbit. Oh, I'm not exactly a rabbit, but I cannot run a chicken.

Now you're talking, kiddo. You can be small, but you can walk tall.

Sure, you've never been a quitter, Arnold. Besides, with someone your size,

linemen only have to open up a teeny weeny hole.

You know, I really love football.

You think I'd have a chance?

The only way you know is to keep on trying.

What do you say, son?

Okay, then.

Give me that ball.

Out of my way, you guys. Here comes Crave.

Wake that team. Yep.

I'm talking heart.

I'm talking guts.

I'm talking no -cut contracts.

Okay,

okay. Hey, hey.

Hey, quiet.

Let's settle down and listen up.

First, I want to thank you kids for... trying on today.

Second, we don't have room in the squad for all of you, so I'm going to have to

make some cuts.

I know, I know that's rough, but that's football. That's the way the cookie

crumbles. Guess who feels like a Fig Newton?

Don't worry, Arnold.

You'll get picked.

Okay. All those men who made the team last year, you're back on the squad.

We start contact work tomorrow, so pick up your helmets now.

Now we only have room for five more on the squad.

As I call your names, grab a helmet.

Mendoza.

Ramsey.

Spencer.

Donahue.

Now we got room for only one more on the squad.

And frankly, I did not expect this youngster to make the team.

And this kid overcame great odds.

There's a lot of guts and a lot of heart out there.

You're burned.

Here's your helmet, Needleman.

Thanks, Coach.

First girl to make our squad.

And for the rest of you, what can I say except turn in your equipment.

First practice tomorrow, gang. Four o 'clock sharp.

Dismissed.

next year.

That's what they said last year.

But at least you're on the team.

Well, that's only because with women's lib, the coach wouldn't dare turn down a

girl. Maybe next year I'll show up in a dress.

45, 46, 47, 48,

49. Is Arnold home yet?

See, I sure hope he makes the team or it'll be a real bomber.

Oh, don't worry. I'm sure he gave it his best shot. He'll make it.

45, 40.

Adelaide, I've already done 45 and 46.

I'm trying to build my body, not bury it.

Hi, everybody.

Hey. What happened, honey? Did you do your very best? Huh? Did you give him

you got? Did you give him the old snake hips?

I gave him my outside hip. I gave him my inside hip.

Cut?

You scored a touchdown and you got cut? Why?

Nobody handed me the ball.

Hey, wait a minute.

Now, look.

Just let me get this straight.

You didn't make the team.

If you didn't make the team, how come you came home so happy?

Because I did all my crying on the subway.

Oh, you poor kid.

Oh, well, at least you tried, Arnold.

Yeah. But what really gets me is Cynthia Needleman made the team.

A girl beats you out? You know any boys named Cynthia?

She must be pretty tough.

I'll say. She's even got hair on her legs.

Don't worry, little brother. You'll make the team next year.

No, I won't, because I won't be here next year.

I'm done trying out for teams.

And Miller, you only averaged 1 .9 yards of carry in that scrimmage today. You

should be able to fall down for more yards than that.

And you, you've got to do something.

You run like a girl. I can't help it. I was born that way.

Now, next Saturday is our first game. I'm going to win the championship this

year if it kills you.

Practice again tomorrow. Fame time, men.

Men?

I'm sorry.

You too, Ms.

Needleman?

Dismissed!

All right!

Pretty inspiring pep talk, coach.

Even got me worked up.

These days you gotta be tough to win.

Say, this play here, well, that's pretty sophisticated for young kids.

Are you a coach?

No, no, no, just an interested father.

I used to play.

Philip Drummond.

Steve Slattery. Hi.

As a matter of fact, my son tried out for the team yesterday.

Oh? Arnold Jackson.

Jackson, Jackson, Jackson. He was a cut.

Oh, right. The little guy.

He's your son?

Sure. He's adopted.

Mr. Slattery, I wish you could have seen the look on his face when he got home.

He was so disappointed.

Drumming life's full of disappointments. Yeah, but the kid was really

heartbroken. He cried half the night.

He's got to learn to take these things like a man.

Isn't there some way you could make a place for him on the team?

I mean, maybe he could... No way.

Look, I'd have begged to use this field when the high school team's not

practicing. I'd have begged to get the 15 beat -up uniforms I have.

And the helmets are so thin you could comb your hair through them.

And on top of that, you know what I get paid for doing this?

Nada. Zip.

Zilch. Bucket. L -Zero.

Well, look at the bright side. At least it doesn't put you in a higher tax

bracket.

Not funny.

No, I'm sorry.

Yeah, it must be tough trying to manage this team on the money they give you.

Money? What money? I blew my whole budget on chalk and an eraser.

I'm sorry, Mr. Drummond, but I've only got 15 uniforms, so I can only use 15

kids.

Hey, there must be something you can do.

Hey, look.

Supposing I bought my kid his own uniform.

Oh, the other kids will love that.

Your kid gets a brand new uniform, and they look like theirs were donated by

city dump.

I mean, look.

Look at these crummy things.

Yeah, I see your point.

Hey, listen.

Let me ask you something.

Supposing all the kids had new uniforms?

All of them?

Who's going to pay for it? The uniform fairy?

Well, let me put it this way.

She could use my checkbook.

You'd spring for 15 new uniforms?

No.

16.

Ah. 15 regulars and one extra short, right?

You got a deal, Drummond. Okay, let's just keep this conversation between you

and me, okay?

What conversation?

Now, look, you've got to make him deliver for you.

I want you to make him work. Now, don't spoil him.

Don't worry.

You know, ordinarily, I would never do anything like this, but that kid wants

be on this team so desperately.

Don't apologize.

It's just a little bribery.

If it's good enough for the congressman, it's good enough for you.

Thanks.

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I don't care if you're rich or poor, young or old.

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Harold, do you want to go outside and play some football?

Nah.

How about some baseball?

Nah. Well, what would you like to do?

Just what I'm doing now. Hanging around, having fun.

I just sit around. You got to do something.

I am doing something. I'm answering the door.

Hi, Arnold.

Coach Flattery. What are you doing here?

Came to talk to you, Arnold.

You already told me I was cut this year. Cut for next year, too?

No, it's not that.

Oh, wonderful.

Oh, well, this is my sister, Kimberly.

Hi, Kimberly.

Hi. I thought I heard the bell. Oh, we have a visitor.

Dad, this is Mr.

Slattery, the coach of the team I tried out for, which I was cut from, which I

wanted to be on.

This is the guy who dumped me.

How do you do?

Philip Drummond, what can we do for you?

Well, I just came to tell Arnold if he still wants to be on the team, he's on.

What?

You're not jiving, are you? You're not putting me on, are you?

It's not nice to mess with a little kid's emotions.

I mean it, Arnold. I want you on the team.

Hey, that's terrific, son.

I only cut you because we didn't have enough uniforms.

But we just got some new ones. And now there's enough for everybody.

And this is yours.

Oh, get a load of that.

Oh, handsome with your new uniform.

Arnold, you're going to look just like old Jay Simpson.

Yeah, but don't expect me to go flying through airports.

I like that they got no uniforms.

Yeah, they were donated by a public -spirited citizen.

Sounds like a wonderful guy.

Arnold, the rest of the uniform's in here.

See you at the game tomorrow at ten.

I'll be there at six.

Did you get hurt in a game, honey?

No. Fell off the bench.

See, what happened was the referees called in the measuring change from the

sidelines, and Arnold got all tangled up in him. Kimberly. One minute he's

sitting there, and the next minute they're dragging him across the field.

Kimberly. They got the idea.

Oh, that's okay, Kimberly. Now, don't worry, Arnold. Those things happen.

What I want to know is, how did you do once you got in the game?

Who got into the game?

You mean he didn't play?

Why? What went wrong?

He spent the whole game on the bench. Well, except when they were dragging him

across the field.

Kimberly, that's enough.

So embarrassing sitting on the bench.

My feet didn't even touch the ground.

I just dangled.

I thought the whole idea of the peewee league is that everybody get a chance to

play. Well, with our coach, only if we win by a big score.

Well, what was today's score?

35 to nothing.

35 to nothing? You creamed them.

After the game, the coach yelled at everybody for not trying.

And does that coach get upset?

One kid dropped a pass right in front of the coach and the coach yelled so loud

he cried.

That's awful.

Making a little kid cry.

Not the kid, the coach.

Well, don't be discouraged, Arnold. I'm sure you'll get in the next game.

Oh, no way. The coach only plays the best guys.

And besides, all he cares about is winning.

Well... Maybe he was just, you know, breaking in slowly.

By the time I'm broken in, my wife and kids will be able to watch me play my

very first game.

Good morning, coach.

Oh, hi. How are you, Drummond? Fine.

Hey, those uniforms look terrific, don't they? The kids will really look sharp

for that game today.

Yeah, I want to talk to you about Arnold's uniform.

What's the matter with it?

It's too clean.

Huh?

I'd like to see it get dirty.

In a game.

Well, I couldn't put him in last week because the game was too close.

Right. 35 to nothing. That's a real cliffhanger.

Drummond, the worst mistake a coach can make is to sit on a lead.

I thought the game was supposed to be fun for all the players.

It is, and fun is winning, not losing.

Did you ever see a losing team run off the field yelling, Hooray, we lost!

I'm trying to win a championship here.

I don't get this. Is this league supposed to be for you or the kids?

All right.

You're looking good out there, son.

You're going to stick it to them today.

Tear them apart.

Eat them up alive.

Destroy them.

I sure did, son. Hey, you really seem to be up for this game.

Yeah, I sure wish I could get my butt up off the bench.

Okay, guys, now listen up. Listen up.

Are we going to win today?

Yeah! I can't hear you. Yeah!

Are we going to bust them up and break them up? Yeah!

Let's show some team spirit here.

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You did pretty good in our first game.

But we've got to really bear down now. We're up against Yonkers.

What does that mean, Noah?

That means they're fullback.

Broncos, Blonsky.

Well, today we're going to shut them out.

When Bronco has the ball, I want you to double -team him, triple -team him, and

gang -tackle him. Boy, that sounds kind of rough.

Sure does.

Well, they got to learn how to play hard sometimes.

Well, there's a difference between playing hard and playing dirty.

Yeah, winning and losing.

Okay, kids, listen up, listen up. I want you to headhunt Jablonski. I don't want

to see him around for the second half.

Yeah!

Okay, I've got a lineup change.

Jackson? Today, you'll start and place a note.

Oh, boy!

Dad, did you hear that?

Thanks, Coach. And don't worry about that Jablonski fellow.

I'll fold him up and mail him home.

Okay,

team, I'm going to see the guy on that field and pots and helmets.

Wait a minute, Al. Hold it.

Hold it.

Coach, is this what the Pee Wee League is all about?

Hon, I'm sorry. You're not playing today.

What you talking about, Dad?

What's your problem, Drummond?

First you bugged me to let your kid play, and now you're complaining.

It isn't right to send these kids out there with instructions to hurt other

kids. This is supposed to be a sport.

Yeah, and it's called football, Drummond.

Yeah, Dad, I want to play.

Well, you're not going to play under this man.

He is pushing values I don't want you to learn.

I am?

I mean, that's a laugh.

Coming from the guy who bought us new uniforms just to get his kid on the

Dad, is that true?

Well, Arnold, I... Yes, it is.

I'm sorry.

Boy, I wanted to get on the team, but not that way.

Millie, you go ahead and start.

I'm quick.

Listen, Arnold.

What I did was wrong.

But it's also wrong to play in this man's kind of game.

I can't believe I'm the only parent here that feels this way.

No, I'm with you, Drummond. I should have said something a long time ago, but

didn't want to be the only one.

Well, I don't know.

Maybe you guys are right.

I never made it on my college team, so I guess I was trying to make up for it

through my son.

Hey, I'll tell you what.

You don't need me to coach this team. You need Mary Poppins.

Here.

Go out and romp around the field.

Have fun, losers.

I'm quitting.

so to speak.

Hey, Dad, look, you make a great coach. You're smart, you're athletic, and

there's nobody else.

All right, kids, I'll give it a go.

Now, look, I paid for 16 uniforms, and I want to see 16 uniforms get dirty.

Now, show of hands, who hasn't been in any game so far?

One, two, three, four, five? Okay, you five are going to start today.

Oh, great.

Now, what's...

What position do you play?

I don't know. I never played before.

Do you have a position for me?

I don't know. I never coached before.

I just hope you know what you're doing.

Well, I lecture because I worry.

Okay.

Bye, Mom.

Man, how do I look?

Now, don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

Hate me because I know it.

Man, I just hung up with my mother. She's not having Thanksgiving dinner

year because she's going on a cruise with her bid -wish girlfriends.

All right, man, that's good for her.

You know, nothing like doing a little turkey limbo on the Lido deck.

No, it's not good for her. I mean, she always has Thanksgiving.

The whole family gathers at her place.

Man, that's a lot of work. Maybe she just needs a break.

She likes doing it. Why would she need a break?

Fixing a nine -course meal for the whole family is how she relaxes. She's a

mother.

What's your brother and sister have to say?

Well, they won't come in this year anyway.

My brother's busy with the new baby and my sister's got a new girlfriend.

But I, on the other hand, have never missed Thanksgiving.

Look like you're missing it this year.

Those

bedwist

women are a bad influence on my mother.

Next thing you know, she'll cancel Christmas to go bungee jumping.

Come to think of it, I feel a little short of breath.

What's going on?

Oh, man, the walls are closing in on me.

What's happening to me?

Yeah,

I need an ambulance.

I think I'm having a heart attack.

Isn't it funny, bro?

They're just going to leave you alone while you sit inside your home.

emergency general i think i'm having a heart attack malcolm please stop

my milk out of the cart

hey man i mean what

happened man you all right yeah yeah man i spent four hours in the emergency

room i am exhausted so i mean what happened

After you left, I got hot and short of breath, and my heart started pounding.

Man, I thought I was about to pass out. So I called 911.

Yeah, and?

Well, they took me to ER. They gave me an EKG, and it turns out it's

definitely...