Original subtitles

(melancholy vocalizing music)

To Neil Brar, Hollywood Manager, California, U.S.A.

Dear Neil.

This is Shalini Singh, your fiancee from India.

We haven't heard from you since your parents

died in that car crash.

I have some very exciting news.

I am ready to graduate from the college

of cooking and cleaning in Himalayas, India

and ready for our arranged marriage.

I still remember that day 20 years ago

when you and I got engaged before

you and your family moved to America.

Each of those nights I have looked at the night sky

and wondered if my soul mate in America

is looking at the same stars I am.

Remember the plastic engagement ring

you put on my finger?

I still wear it on my pinky.

I can't wait to move to America and live with you,

in the land of the white people.

("I Can't Wait To Fall Asleep" by Alan Boyd)

♪ I had a dream about a girl ♪

♪ With long blonde hair ♪

♪ I was on the way to Heaven ♪

♪ She was takin' me there ♪

♪ She was so good looking, so sweet, so fair ♪

♪ Didn't seem ♪

♪ Like a dream ♪

♪ So we walked and we talked and we went to a dance ♪

♪ And the dark will stop the romance ♪

♪ I was just about to kiss her ♪

♪ I was takin' the chance ♪

♪ My alarm went off and I fell out of bed ♪

♪ Now my eyes are wide open ♪

♪ I can't wait to fall asleep tonight ♪

♪ Soon my baby ♪

♪ Is gonna be holding me tight ♪

♪ Oh yes ♪

What are you doing?

I was just--

No listen, this is not small town Tennessee, okay?

You can't hold the door open for people in Atlanta.

You have to slam it shut so that it hits 'em, okay?

That's how you get ahead in metro.

Sorry, sorry.

Blaine, Blaine.

What?

You are never gonna believe what I have.

What?

What's that?

Nicole Westham's address, we're going out tonight.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

The Nicole Westham?

Get outta here, Rob.

I swear, I swear.

I asked her yesterday and she's like, okay.

I know, whatever.

My God, wait, there she is.

Should I say something?

- [Blaine] Oh, yes, man.

Hey Nicole.

We still on tonight?

Yeah, five o'clock, sharp.

I'll be damned.

Did you see that?

Good guys can still be winners.

Losers.

(chuckling)

(lively music) ♪ Just can't wait ♪

♪ To fall asleep tonight ♪

♪ It's time to say goodnight ♪

♪ Soon, it's gonna be my baby and me ♪

♪ She's gonna be holdin' me tight ♪

♪ Yes, she just ♪

♪ Cuddle up and turn off the lights ♪

- [Man On Phone] Pizza Piglet, do you want

delivery or carry out?

Is Nicole there?

- [Man On Phone] There's no Nicole here.

This is Pizza Piglet.

Um.

I think I have the wrong number.

Rob Shorwell?

Yeah.

I was told to give this to you.

And to tell you to have fun by yourself and

leave Nicole alone.

Sorry, dude.

At least it's pepperoni.

(laughing)

I'm sorry.

Let me get this straight now.

She agrees to go out with you

only if you write her final term paper

and you fall for this why, bro?

That's not helping.

It's like all I want is my American dream.

You know, fast car, big house,

white picket fence, two point five kids.

Although three kids would be fine.

I want it with the girl I love.

Is that so much to ask?

Well listen, Rob.

You gave her your heart and she gave you

stuffed crust pizza, man.

I'm not rich.

You know, I'm not as rich as that guy.

Or athletic, or handsome.

But, I'm nice.

You know, aren't I nice?

That's gotta count for something.

Nice?

Rob, listen, let me...

Let me break it down for you.

All right.

The Pope is nice.

Pope.

Okay, but unless he's drivin' a Porsche

or he's like a GQ model or he can kick a football

50 yards, she's not gonna go for him, either.

That's really good advice coming from a guy

who hasn't dated since the third grade.

Man.

(girls chattering)

- [Neil] Whoa, whoa, whoa, ladies.

Who's that guy and why are all the girls

running towards him?

Oh, that's Neil Brar.

Hey, he's a Hollywood manager, like, celebrity maker.

You know, he's a guest speaker at the film department fest.

You see, this is a perfect example.

Now, a creature like that, that's who snares

broads like her.

Um, I was...

You're based in L.A. after we graduate, right?

Yup.

I'm gonna come with you.

You joining the military?

Yeah, no, no.

I'm gonna become a Hollywood manager, celebrity maker.

(uptempo music)

Thank you so much.

Mr. Brar?

Hi, I'm Rob.

Robert Shorwell, I called you this morning about a job

at your company.

Graduating in two weeks,

Masters in PR, summa cum laude.

I could use someone with your record.

Tell you what, you start as soon as you graduate.

Thank you.

All right, well I gotta get some sleep.

These girls are wearing me out.

(uptempo music)

I heard he asked Tracy Carmichael out to dinner.

Oh, I should have gone with a shorter skirt.

I really wanted Neil to like me.

Maybe you should have been nicer to Robert Shorwell.

Why?

Do you mind if I join you?

I was just leaving.

At least let me tell you what happened

the other day.

Okay.

See, um...

Well, in high school,

I dated this guy and well, we were madly in love and

the day before graduation he was

killed in a motorcycle accident.

(weeping)

Oh my God.

I had no idea.

I'm so sorry.

It was totally awful, you know?

I mean, just ruined my graduation party.

Ever since then, I'm just really mean to guys

that I like, you know, just so they'll hate me.

Almost, so I don't have to get close and then

get hurt again.

Anyway, I just wanted to set the record straight

before I move to L.A.

Wait, you're moving to L.A.?

Yeah.

Nicole, Nicole.

I'm moving to L.A.

Really?

Really.

Do you want a ride?

(lively music)

- [Ben On Radio] Good morning, L.A.

Ben Dover here with news you can use.

This just in.

Auditions begin today for Alan Smithee's

Last Blonde Standing, the show that proudly

celebrates blonde cells over gray cells.

This, on the heels of his earlier creation,

No Romance Without Finance.

(lively music)

(goats bleating)

(engine rumbling)

(speaking foreign language)

Happy.

So, how does it feel to have a Master's degree?

I was first both in English and cooking.

Ready for my arranged marriage now.

Be a good wife, a good mother.

Did you talk to any boys?

Yes, from the boys' college.

One girl, she even had hands with one of them.

Really?

What are they like?

Annoying, just like him.

(laughing)

(lively music)

Did you bring me a skirt?

No, you know Ma would not let you wear that.

It would bring too much shame on the family.

No more than your lot has brought us.

The whole village knows by now.

Knows what?

That you're fiance has a (mumbling) for America.

Your arranged marriage is over before it even started

and in two years, you will be (speaking foreign language).

(tense music)

Americans.

(melancholy vocalizing music)

(goat bleating)

But Neelu's not really American, huh?

He's from here, remember?

Yes, but ever since your in-laws died in that car crash

in America, we haven't heard from that Indian of yours.

- [Shalini] Still.

Dad keeps writing him to come claim you.

Maybe Neelu didn't really get Daddy-ji's letters.

Okay, try telling Dad that.

It's killing him that we are going to our cousin's

wedding in Canada in two months and she is younger than you!

Luti is getting married?

Yeah.

And who's paying for these tickets?

Bubbly uncle.

He makes (mumbling).

Lucky family, not cursed like ours.

(uptempo rock music)

- [Ben On Radio] Good morning, L.A.

Ben Dover here with news you can use.

This just in.

Nicole Westham, recent winner of Alan Smithee's

Last Blonde Standing is now lead in Smithee's

upcoming feature, AmeriBabe.

I gotta run, Gary wants us

at this stupid meeting this morning.

Oh, no.

What's more important than pleasing your star client?

Strong play, I like that.

You're almost there, too.

No, no, please.

All right, let me call Rob, have him take notes.

Ugh, so sick of him.

When are you gonna get rid of him?

I already told Gary I want him gone.

Well, I'm tired of living with him.

Well then, pack your bags and come live with me.

Really?

With the exception of her,

we haven't had any decent bookings this year.

What's going on?

Gary, we've been going through our records all morning.

This--

Yeah, we've submitted our clients

for every role out there.

They're just aren't booking.

They just aren't booking?

That answer's just not helping.

Can I say some...

Sorry.

Does it start with here's your coffee?

Let him speak.

Well, we bring in clients based on a gut decision,

right, and then we throw them into the audition routes

hoping that something sticks,

but what it we had a division that groomed new clients?

You know, made them into celebrity material

before they hit the audition routes.

I mean, that's the strategy that I used with Nicole.

Who created Nicole's strategy?

Well, I did.

That's not what I heard from Neil.

It doesn't matter, but a division that grooms

new clients into celebrity material, I like that.

(lively music)

(speaking foreign language)

Happy, take those bags out.

Huh, what?

Daddy-ji I can't stay here.

I want to go to America and find Neelu.

Are you crazy?

What will all the neighbors say?

The neighbors are saying enough already,

and I don't want Littly to suffer because of me.

The 30 year old spinster.

Desperate times do call for desperate measures.

(speaking foreign language)

And get into the kitchen.

Fine, and I'll stay there because no one

wants to marry me anyway.

And don't start eating.

If you get any fatter, we'll definitely

not find anyone for you.

Oh, God.

What did we do to deserve this?

I'm gonna go play with the goat.

(goat bleating)

Daddy-ji, I will be 30 soon.

Oh, why don't you shout it from the rooftops?

Just let me go for two months.

I will either meet you in Canada with Neelu,

or your truly cursed daughter

will come back to India with you.

(speaking foreign language)

(mellow music)

But Daddy-ji, these are all of your savings.

No price is too high to see a smile on my child's face.

It's okay.

(lively music)

(knocking)

Sorry I'm late.

Car broke down.

Did I miss anything?

Just your intern getting promoted.

Excuse me?

He's good.

Not to mention, he doesn't miss important meetings.

I'm promoting him to manager.

Well, there are only three manager positions,

and they're all taken.

Not for long.

Your contract runs out in a couple of months

and you're not delivering.

Rob's idea today was brilliant.

What idea?

About creating a new division

based on the strategy he used on Nicole.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, that was my idea.

I can't believe he would try to pass that off as his.

What, you think I lied to you?

You really want me to answer that?

(phone ringing)

How dare you try and steal my job.

Wait, what, no.

Gary just liked my strategy that I used on Nicole,

which I believe you've been taking credit for.

And you, I believe, have been trying

to stab me in the back.

Well, this is a great way to thank me after I bring you

in here, I give your girlfriend a shot at her dream

and now I'm gonna lose my job over it?

Lose your job?

Why, why, why would you lose your job?

Gary wants me gone,

unless you step in and help.

Okay.

I mean, I owe you one.

You gave Nicole her break and you got me a job.

What can I do?

Well, you can put it in writing

that you lied about the idea being yours.

Write that I lied?

He'll fire me.

One of us is getting the ax.

Thought you owed me.

Lord knows what'll happen to Nicole's career

if I leave this place.

(phone ringing)

(lively music)

It happened, Dave.

Hi.

- [Neil] Hey sweetheart.

How are you?

(giggling)

(mellow music)

(knocking)

(speaking foreign language)

It's me, Shalini.

Your fiancee, from India.

Wait, you're engaged?

No, we're not, she's nuts.

I've never seen her before in my life.

But I got a Master's degree in English and cooking

all so I can make a good wife for you.

You cook and you speak English?

Well, great.

I'll hire you as my maid.

Get real.

The person I marry will be on their way up, like Nicole,

not some fresh off the boatie like you.

Now, if you'll excuse us.

(melancholy music)

What's goin' on?

Did he take classes or was he always this stupid?

Look, Rob.

I just, I'm moving up, so I can't be

with an assistant any more.

I'm sorry. All right, everyone.

Outta here, now.

Namaste and get outta here.

Even though you're Indian at heart

you have become the worst of what the world

knows Americans to be.

Thanks.

So, what you're saying is that you put together

Nicole's campaign but let Neil take all the credit

because you felt you owed him.

Yeah.

All right, prove it.

Neil's contract runs out in eight weeks.

You can replace him if you bring me someone

who no one could ever imagine

could be an American celebrity, a real challenge.

Someone...

Like her.

What, are you serious?

That's ridiculous.

She's not even American.

Or an actress.

Make her one.

Gary, I don't think that she has any interest

in becoming a celebrity,

much less becoming American.

Nice guys don't get the corner office.

You want to replace Neil?

(lively music)

How you doin'?

Hi.

I'm really sorry about what happened up there.

You need a ride or

do you need help with anything?

What is your good name?

I don't know if it's a good name.

I'm Rob, Robert, Rob Shorwood.

Mine's Shalini.

Shalini Singh.

Oh.

Great to meet you.

So why doesn't Neelu like you?

(stammering)

I helped my girlfriend, my ex,

that girl Nicole, I helped her become who she is

and now she and Neil are...

Anyway, were you leaving?

When are you leaving?

Oh, going back to India without Neelu

is not an option for me.

Well, you know, you still might

have a chance with him if

well, if you become the kind of woman

that he's attracted to, real American celebrity material.

American.

I refuse to become anything American, even as an act.

Right, right.

'Course.

Good luck.

(melancholy music)

Oy, oy.

You said you helped that girl become what she is.

Will you help me?

Seriously?

I don't know, I mean,

it'd be a hundred years before someone from

wherever you're from became an American celebrity.

Unless, unless you were to become more American.

If it will make me worthy of Neelu's love,

I will learn to be more American.

Okay.

This is good, this is good.

This is a start.

(lively music)

Uh, all right.

Do you have a place to stay?

I'd offer you my couch, but it's kinda--

Oh, girls don't stay with men

they're not married or related to.

Really?

You know what, we might be in luck.

I think the place next door to me is looking

for a house sitter.

What is a house sitter?

Oh, well, it's when you get to stay

in somebody's nice place and all their cool stuff

and you get to eat their food and they pay.

They pay you for that?

It's a pretty good deal, right?

Taking care of other people's things

is kind of an American cottage industry, you know.

House sitting, baby sitting, dog sitting.

No dogs.

I'm very scared of dogs.

Okay.

We'll cross dogs off the list.

How 'bout hot dogs?

You like hot dogs?

What is a hot dog?

Such big buildings.

This is bigger than my village.

I have never been to somewhere like this before.

If my (mumbling) could see me sitting in your car

right now, they would be so jealous.

Are you making fun of Betsy?

Betsy?

Your car has a name?

My goat has a name.

Yeah, what's your goat's name?

Littly.

It's just in India, only rich people have cars.

Indian cars.

Only movie stars have American cars.

Well, I guess if all else fails,

I could bring Betsy to India.

I could be the movie star.

You can't be a movie star in India.

Look at you.

Okay, so this is our whole apartment complex.

There's like, an apartment back there.

This is where Blaine and I have lived

for the last couple years.

And you're gonna be here.

This is Mr. and Mrs. Fisher's house.

They're in Punta Gorda.

(mellow music)

Hey, this is your new place.

Oh, those are blinds.

(lively music)

(traffic zooming)

- [Blaine] So my grandmother pulls up next to me

in this old car.

Hey, there she is.

Blaine, this is Shalini.

Shalini, my roommate, Blaine.

Hey, how you doin'?

(stammering)

(speaking foreign language)

Wow, listen, sit down, please and you know,

have some breakfast.

So, what'll it be, hon.

Is your naan fresh?

I don't think so, considering he died 15 years ago.

You know what, you know what, why don't you

just bring her what we're having?

All right.

Coming right up.

Thank you.

I could actually go for some Indian curry.

Oh.

Well, in America the only place to get curry

is an Indian restaurant.

Oh, can we go there for breakfast?

No, no, I really don't do curry.

Yeah.

He doesn't do spicy food, right.

Listen, listen, one time I had a little, some spaghetti,

put a little Tabasco sauce on it, right--

Let's not relive it.

Is that all right?

Can we not?

All right, right.

Okay, Shalini from India.

I think we should start by giving you a new name.

Are there any other names that you like?

Well, I love the name Sweetie.

Whoa, whoa, Sweetie?

Unh unh, Sweetie is not a name.

That's something that you call out to a hottie

that you see on the street.

No, no, no Hottie is Sweetie's friend.

How 'bout a different relative, like,

the other side of the family.

Like...

Well, well, Baby's married to Bunny.

Their children are Lovely and Pretty

and Sweetie and--

Tweetie.

Very smart.

How did you know?

Forget it.

You know what, you're officially kicked off

the naming committee.

What else?

How 'bout...

Shallie.

Some people in India, they call me Shallie.

That's good.

That's much better.

Shallie.

Shallie.

Shoal.

Shulie?

Shulie, Sheila, Sheeley.

Shelley.

Shelley.

Shelley?

But that is not Indian.

Well, that way, Neil won't think that you're one.

In fact, let's make her Hispanic.

(slow tempo playful music)

Shelley Picante.

You know what, 'cause I'm lookin',

you could be Mexican.

Yeah, yeah, or Puerto Rican.

South American.

Or, well wait.

She doesn't speak Spanish.

Because she's second generation,

and we won't have to worry about

the Hispanic accent, either.

Excuse me, what is a Hispanic?

Oh, you know.

Latin folks.

People that took my spot.

Where was your spot?

So cute.

Okay, Shelley Picante.

This is good, this is good.

Now, all we need is some American clothes and

you're on your way.

(lively music)

Right, what's wrong with my (speaking foreign language)?

Woman, you could wrap like, 25 Latina

chicks in your soma, oh, make that 50.

We'll go shopping later.

And you know what, is it cool if we take your glasses?

But how will I see?

You ever heard of contact lenses?

No.

You know, we should probably work on your accent.

Yeah, yeah, 'cause right now, you sound like

Apu from the Simpsons and a Hispanic Apu just won't work.

Well, I could imitate the actors on American TV.

You know, one of my friends, she worked

for this outsource call center jobs in Delhi.

They made her watch so much American TV,

now she speaks better English than both of you.

(lively music)

Shrimpa.

Bob (mumbling).

Bobbie.

Downunder under.

I don't believe it anymore.

(mumbling)

That's shorts.

- [Rob] That looks great.

Wow, what a difference a pair of contacts make.

So, how else did your friend train

for the outsourcing job?

Oh, they learnt all about America, mate.

Why are you talkin' like that?

Because you told me to practice my new accent.

So, I sat up all afternoon and watched

this TV called Downunder Dundee.

No, no, that's Australian.

Your accent is really, really bad Australian.

Shelly Picante who's really Indian but speaks

with an Australian accent that sound American,

this is just a trip.

All white people sound the same to me.

Tell me about it, sister.

We need to get to you sound more midwestern.

You know, white bread.

I thought you were turning me Hispanic.

Hispanic is the new white bread,

just baked with a little salsa.

Try these on, Miss Picante.

(faint uptempo music)

Who are those for?

Oh, well these are for me and this is for my dad.

And my gr, no I want these, let go.

(mellow music)

(clearing throat)

Wow.

Well, you look hot.

Yeah, yeah, you look really cool.

But my knees are showing and people

will think I'm a loose girl, right?

No, in this town, what you're wearing

is a lot longer than what most women are wearing nowadays.

- [Shelley] Oh?

- [Blaine] Yeah, most.

Okay, one says cool, one says hot.

Which one is it?

Cool or hot?

It's hot. It's cool.

- [Blaine] It's hot.

- [Rob] It's cool.

(stammering) It's really the same.

Yeah, same.

Hey, you know.

We should look at the DVDs.

I mean, if she's gonna be Hispanic--

She should see some Spanish movies.

Okay, ah, here we go, right here.

Here's one.

(speaking foreign language)

You're not speaking a foreign language right now.

Do you speak Spanish?

Listen, I know what I'm talking about, trust me.

No, no, no, the Y is a luh sound.

It's (speaking foreign language).

No, no, no.

The L makes a Y sound.

This one is E.

(speaking foreign language)

Excellent.

What about this one?

(speaking foreign language)

Cyndi Lauper.

- [All] Cyndi Lauper.

All right, let's go check out.

(speaking foreign language)

(lively music)

(singing in foreign language)

- [Shelley] My dear Ma, Daddy-ji, Littly and Happy.

I have some great news.

I have found Neelu and everything is wonderful.

He takes me for long walks in the park,

buys me flowers and then, in true Bollywood style,

we go and dance around trees.

(lively singing in foreign language)

You'll never believe the things that I'm seeing here.

It's like living in a Hollywood movie.

Really.

Can you imagine, there are no cows on their streets,

and the things they eat here.

They heat up their dogs, put it on a bun

and call it a hot dog.

Ew!

They speak funny, too.

Wonderful.

Wonderful.

You don't need glasses in America.

They have these magical things they call lenses

and they have these special TV doctors.

They're called elastic surgeons.

They can stretch your rack.

With so few clothes, why do I need a bigger rack?

You don't need my help.

- [Shelley] I knew I don't have enough clothes.

I'm already making friends.

Two boys from next door, I mean, I mean,

two girls from next door.

We brought you these CDs to listen to.

They use them for,

hey, can you, we turn that off please?

What?

They use them for foreign actors in the industry.

Thank goodness, because I only have two months to go.

Two months for what?

The day I have to be at my cousin's wedding with Neelu.

Wait a minute.

Your family doesn't know what's going on?

They think I found Neelu and everything is perfect.

What happens when they find out

that everything is not perfect?

It won't matter then.

I'll be married to the man of my family's dreams.

Okay, wait, time out.

If you're gonna put forth all this effort,

why not marry the man of your dreams?

I read there is no difference between

parents' and childrens' dreams.

My father picked him for me,

so we are meant for each other, see?

(playful music)

Yeah, I don't think Neil got the memo.

I know I don't have that body.

Nicole didn't have that body either

until she hit the gym.

Who is Jim?

Why did she hit him?

You wanna get this one?

(lively music)

Hi, I'm Robert Shorwell from Cantec Celebrity.

I called for Rocky.

- [Receptionist] Sure, I'll page him.

Rocky, front desk.

- [Shelley] I can really look like her?

Yeah, but you know what?

You don't want to look like a lollipop.

You know, a little tiny stick for a body

and a big old holly head.

[Receptionist On P.A.] Rocky to the front desk.

- [Rocky] Excuse me.

- [Woman] Hey.

- [Rocky] Hey, Rob.

Hey, Rocky.

What can I do you for?

I want to have a body like her.

But I only have four weeks to do it.

Shelley's a new client.

You think you can work your magic on her?

I could try, but four weeks means

multiple private sessions.

Costs a couple grand.

Grand?

Meaning dollars?

No, grand meaning pesos.

Of course, dollars.

Oh, I don't have that much money.

Can you give me a discount or something please?

This isn't a swap meet.

I don't do coupons.

I'm a celebrity trainer for God's sake.

Hey, ooh attitude.

Rob.

This is nuts.

I'm just a girl from some little Indian village

who dreams to Bollywood films.

I don't have the face or the body or

even the money to do this.

Now, this might not be a Bollywood film set,

but this is America, okay, and you can be

whatever you want to be, come on.

I decided not to go into the military

specifically because of boot camp.

What is this boot camp?

It's Blaine's military training

designed to make grown men weep.

Military training?

Women in my town, they train to be good wives

and good mothers, not good soldiers and all this.

Well, they do here.

Listen, you want to get Americanized?

This is how you start.

(lively music)

♪ Blue jeans, magazines, low ridin' rockin' scenes ♪

♪ She's gonna have a good time ♪

♪ Red Bull body shots ♪

♪ Show the boys what you got ♪

♪ She's lookin' so fine ♪

♪ She never dreamed she'd dance ♪

I already answered this one.

That one.

Okay, American president.

George Bush.

Yes, first American president.

Abraham Lincoln.

No, no, no, that's the slavery guy.

Remember it's also our nation's capitol...

Washington.

George Washington.

♪ Big screen movie stars ♪

♪ Loud bars, racing cars ♪

♪ She's crossin' the line ♪

America's favorite film.

- [Rob] Oh, good one, good one.

- [Shelley] Dumb And Dumber, American Pie,

Napoleon Bonaparte.

I guess it counts.

♪ In this crazy new world ♪

♪ Breakin' in, workin' out ♪

♪ In a Cinderella swirl ♪

♪ And now she's one ♪

- [Rob] It's amazing how far you've come.

I mean, even your accent.

If I didn't know any better,

I'd think you were born and raised in L.A.

(thunder booming)

- [Shelley] Really?

We better get back.

It's only rain.

It's only rain.

So, rain, I don't like rain.

I don't like getting wet.

You don't like getting wet?

Unh uh.

If I lived in America, I'd be out every time it rained.

You're crazy, you know that?

In my village it's a taboo to get

your clothes wet in public.

But here in America, I'm free.

Come on, scaredy cat.

Dance with me.

♪ Time she dance in this crazy new world ♪

♪ Breakin' in, workin' out ♪

♪ In a Cinderella swirl ♪

♪ And now she's one all-American girl ♪

♪ And now she's one all-American girl ♪

I'm sorry.

But I have to (mumbling).

That was one of the best times I had in my life.

I don't know about the best time, but it was pretty fun.

Is it hard?

With so many taboos, so many things

you can and can't do?

You know, no modern conveniences?

Are people happy?

Some are, some aren't.

Just like anywhere else.

With everything you guys have in America,

maybe there's some Americans that aren't

happy with their life.

No.

Everyone here is perfectly content.

Really?

- [Announcer On TV] Ready?

Neil and Nicole have finally set a date

for their wedding.

It is expected that Neil 'Cole will wed

later this year, sometime in September.

This is to mark both of their birthdays.

Let's go change.

I'm takin' you someplace special.

(lively music)

So this is the Dixie Fix,

the greatest country bar in L.A.

What's a country bar?

Well, it's a bar that plays country music.

Women don't go to bars.

They don't?

Not in my village.

Women don't dance in public or drink alcohol.

It's considered really shameful.

I don't dance in public, either.

Well, you don't dance, period.

Shut up.

No, listen.

If you wanna learn about American culture,

this is the place to do it.

Okay, I won't dance and I'll get a soft drink.

- [Blaine] Here we go.

Hey Billy.

Hey Rob.

- [Shelley] Looks guys, girls are drinking.

Shelley, right here.

(uptempo music)

Three beers.

You know you don't have to if you don't want to.

If they can do it, I can do it.

That's what I love about your culture.

I can do something just because I want to,

not because I have to.

Three beers.

♪ Love so free ♪

- [Billy] There you are.

♪ (mumbling) ♪

Oh.

Oh, how do people drink that thing?

It's simple.

You just got to raise it up, chug it down.

♪ Love times three ♪

Yeah, here's to Shelley Picante, huh?

You don't have to chug.

♪ Feelin' in love, feelin' in love ♪

Ugh.

- [Blaine] Chug it, chug it.

(whooping)

(laughing)

More beer.

Oh, no, we're okay.

Who says that for you?

Wait a second, wait a second.

I thought you didn't like beer?

So, I changed my mind.

See that?

She changed her mind.

More like an American girl than we thought.

A woman who doesn't change her mind doesn't have one.

I wanna dance.

Come on.

No, not again.

- [Shelley] Come on, come on, (mumbling).

He doesn't dance.

He doesn't dance.

- [Shelley] Come on, Blaine.

I'll dance, but he doesn't dance.

(mumbling)

- [Shelley] Look at all these people.

He doesn't like to dance

because he's not that good at it.

- [Shelley] Really?

- [Blaine] By God, he's right.

(mumbling) (uptempo music)

♪ She says America ♪

♪ Here I come ♪

♪ I'm gonna find out where I belong ♪

♪ I can dance, I can sing ♪

♪ I can hear freedom ring ♪

- [Shelley] I'm gonna teach cowboys

how to dance Bollywood style.

♪ America ♪

♪ Here I come ♪

- [Blaine] She's a special girl.

Neil's a lucky guy.

You fallin' for her?

No.

No?

Let me tell you somethin' man.

Come on, come on.

Want you to forget about Nicole.

You know what they say about happiness?

It's not getting what you want, man.

It's wanting what you got.

I don't got her.

Hey, she loves Neil, you know?

Where you been, under a rock?

No.

♪ World to know ♪

♪ Just when I might back ♪

♪ I love to love you out loud ♪

Ah!

(giggling)

- [Blaine] Okay, we're almost there, almost there.

Okay, i'ma get the light.

Yeah.

Sorry, sorry.

- [Blaine] So, just get, put her in the bed, man.

All right.

(mumbling) princess.

Get her shoes.

Hey.

Hey.

(laughing)

Oh.

Okay.

Oh.

I don't feel so good.

You'll be okay.

Just sleep it off.

Rob, will you stay with me tonight?

You're not supposed to stay with guys

you're not related to, remember?

No, no, no, she just changed her mind again, okay?

You're just here for a friend.

Stop it.

You want me to stay on the couch?

Okay, so, what I'll do is I'll push

the nine a.m. call to eleven, okay?

'Cause you guys are gonna need your sleep.

Go, go home.

Can you go home?

Okay, I'll go home.

But listen, I haven't been under a rock.

Shut up, go home.

(mellow music)

- [Shelley] Oh, this is, (mumbling).

- [Rob] Shh.

It's always like this the first time.

Just relax, don't tense up.

(retching)

(mellow music)

Okay.

(toilet flushing)

I'll be in the other room.

(melancholy music)

- [Ben On Radio] Good morning L.A.

Ben Dover here with news you can use.

This just in.

Alan Smithee's next project after AmeriBabe

will be America Lacks Talent, as Smithee

heads back to reality territory following

his soon to be shoddy feature.

- [Shelley] Rob.

Rob.

Rob!

- [Rob] Aye!

I feel, I feel horrible.

I feel like I chewed on a rag and my head.

It's like someone hit it with a hammer.

It's a good, good hangover.

Hang what?

Is it a disease?

Do I need to see a doctor?

Oh, no.

Just need my hangover special.

What's that?

It's good.

(lively music)

You know, this greasy food really works well

for that hanging sickness.

Hungry, Shelley?

Mmm hmm.

Yeah, big night last night?

Mmm hmm and never again.

That was my first and last time.

It was that good, huh?

You are the man, Rob.

Not up, nothing happened.

You know, this American ham,

it's definitely different from Indian ham.

Wow.

You know, ham.

Now, I've never heard it referred to as ham before.

(mumbling)

What do Americans call it?

Uh, let's see.

Blaine, Blaine, she's talking about her food.

Shelley, hamburger's not actually ham.

It's beef.

(crashing) Oh!

I've been eating beef all this time?

How can it be made of beef when it's called hamburger?

Oh!

I don't know, why?

What, what, what's the matter?

We don't eat cows in my religion!

Well, it's a little too late for that, mama.

Are you really that hungry?

She doesn't like beef.

(mellow music)

Whoo.

You know something?

We may discriminate against our own people,

but we treat our animals right.

We eat 'em all.

We do.

And then when we're done, American men, in particular,

we pull out a woman's magazine to catch up

on some makeup issues, Rob.

It's for the face makeover, dummy.

I hope you know what you're doing, Rob.

I've never really put on this kind of makeup before.

Really?

- [Shelley] Mmm hmm.

Well, how hard can it be?

It's not rocket science.

(lively music)

♪ She traded her sorry for faded blue jeans ♪

♪ She eats apple pie but curry's in her dreams ♪

Ow!

♪ She used to watch cricket ♪

♪ Now she cheers for the Braves ♪

♪ Before you know it, she'll be ♪

♪ An American babe ♪

♪ (mumbling) ♪

What's going on, guys?

Oh my God.

Rob, she looks like a Christmas tree.

Really?

- [Blaine] No, baby, you don't wanna look like

a Christmas tree.

He's right.

We need a professional make-up artist.

We can't afford one.

But, we can afford a newspaper ad.

Help a foreigner realize her American dream.

Volunteer your time.

Help Americanize Shelley.

(phone ringing) ♪ An American babe ♪

♪ (mumbling) ♪

(Rob mumbling)

Hey, Shelley.

Shelley.

Shelley.

Shelley.

We got a phone call?

We got 33.

No!

Make up artists, hair stylists, fashionistas.

How much will they charge?

I'm pretty sure they know what volunteer means.

So, I invited two of them, Nick and Yuki

to meet us at Georgina Smith's house.

Georgina Smith?

Yeah, she's the stylist to the stars.

If anyone can make you into a super hottie, she can.

♪ Here I come ♪

All right, now I want you to walk to the end

of the foyer, and then I want you to walk back to me

as if you're in a bar, and I caught your eye, okay?

Okay.

(uptempo music)

Nevermind.

Listen, put on your hottest clothes,

adapt a killer attitude and then walk back

toward me knowing that you'll have me at hello.

(lively music)

Oh, okay.

Hello.

Well, it ain't hot and it ain't killer

and that coy girl thing, that just ain't gonna cut it.

You know, American women are a lot more assertive,

more in charge.

You know what?

Let's try this again.

This, this, and strike a pose.

No bouncing, no bouncing, now strike a pose.

Turn around.

(lively singing in foreign language)

♪ Find our feelin' ♪

♪ Feelin' battle fryer ♪

♪ Find my caller ♪

♪ Round and round I'm lookin' ♪

♪ (mumbling) ♪

♪ Take me high ♪

♪ Take me high ♪

♪ Take me high ♪

♪ Take me high ♪

♪ Take me ♪

(singing in foreign language)

Who wants turkey?

(excited chattering)

Turkey time.

- [Blaine] Turkey, turkey, turkey, turkey.

Have a carrot.

Well, I just wanted to say thank you.

We could not have done this without

each and every one of you.

Lord, thank You for all our friends at this table,

both old and new.

And, I'd like to thank Buddha for allowing us

to be here tonight.

And I would like to thank Baba-ji

for letting us do this wonderful makeover

of Miss Shelley Picante.

Can we throw Jehovah in there, too?

All right, okay.

Did I miss anybody?

Nope, you didn't miss anybody.

- [Blaine] Here we go.

All right, here we go.

- [Nick] Cheers.

(glasses clinking)

Now, if I had only taken some acting lessons,

I would actually have a chance of making this work.

You know, reality TV changed all that.

You don't really need talent anymore to be a celebrity.

You need buzz, and a good publicist.

Well, you got that one right, honey.

Shelley, you're gonna do just fine.

All right, are we gonna eat?

- [Blaine] I'd like to eat.

- [Rob] Blaine, would you do the honors?

Can I carve the turkey?

Yes, you can.

Now, I should let y'all know

I never carved a turkey before.

(laughing)

(glass clinking)

Can I just say one thing?

Up until I came to your country,

I thought Americans were just always out for themselves.

Selfish, materialistic.

Thank you all for teaching me differently.

(melancholy music)

Aw, that's sweet.

Thank you.

That was very, I was touched.

(excited chattering)

(mumbling)

(melancholy music)

(knocking)

Rob.

How's the challenge going?

Good, good.

She's ready.

All right, bring her in.

If the makeover holds up, Neil's out

and you can have his office.

Listen, Gary.

I think I've changed my mind.

You know, if having a better career

means being a worse person,

I don't want the corner office anymore.

I think you're making a mistake.

Maybe.

Probably.

But if I leave, can Shelley stay a client here?

Not if Neil stays on.

He knows about our deal.

He doesn't want anything to do with her.

Well, I think he will.

Wanna go to a party?

Neil's gonna be there.

Sure.

Before you become Neil's client,

let's see if he recognizes you.

Do we have invites to this shindig?

This soiree, this bash, this hoedown.

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

Your American slang is terrific.

No, we don't have tickets.

How are we gonna get in?

Crash it.

Won't that damage Betsy?

She'll be fine.

This is Rob Shorwell.

I just wanted to make sure we're still on

for those extras tonight.

And they all have her head shot, right?

(phone ringing) Can you hang on a second?

Hello?

Oh, the limo's here?

Cool.

We're on our way.

Yeah, we'll be right there.

Hey.

I'm here.

- [Shelley] Come in.

(lively music)

Hey, why do they always sing and dance in Indian movies?

Run around trees.

- [Shelley] That's how they prove they love each other.

I thought American dating was tough.

(sexy jazzy music)

I should change into something more conservative, right?

No, no.

You look...

Amazing.

(lively music)

- [Woman] I will so crash this party.

All right, come on.

Stand over there.

And you stand over there.

I can't believe we're doing this.

Want your 50 bucks or not?

Come on.

Now, Neil's almost here.

When I go like this, yell Shelley's name,

wave her head shot and beg for autographs, okay?

Wait, that's him.

Get ready, get ready.

(lively music)

- [All] Shelley!

(excited chattering)

- [Woman] We love you Shelley.

(excited chattering)

(lively music)

That was great, that was great.

Hey, do we get our checks now?

No, you don't get your checks now.

Come on.

We gotta do this one more time.

We have to do it again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for the director in AmeriBabe.

That's him, that's him.

(lively music)

- [Crowd] Shelley!

(excited chattering)

- [Man] Shelley, can I get a picture?

You believe all that attention?

No, I can't.

Who is that?

- [Rob] Who is it?

That's Shelley Picante.

Well, I've never heard of her.

You've never heard of her?

No, I haven't.

She's on the top 50 list.

- [Alan] Top 50 what?

Top 50 list of hottest stars

that you've never heard of.

- [Alan] Oh.

Exactly.

(uptempo music)

Rob, this is so awkward.

We don't know anybody here.

Sure we do.

Watch this.

Hey, how are you?

Good, good, how are you?

Super.

I haven't seen you in so long.

I know.

Now, have you met my dear friend.

Of course.

(laughing)

How are you?

Great, good to see you again.

Rob, can I?

I thought you said you didn't know anybody here.

Well, I don't.

I'm pretty sure they don't know each other, either.

Why are they behaving like they're best friends?

Well, they do that just in case

the other person is special.

You're nobody in this town unless you know

everybody who's a somebody.

Do you guys know Shelley Picante?

Shelley.

Where do I know you from?

I'm from India--

Films.

Indie films.

Independent films.

I'm from India myself.

I would have never guessed.

In my previous life, honey.

My spiritual healer told me that.

Why don't you tell them everything

that you've been up to?

Oh, well.

Rob.

Neil, what are you doin' here?

Who is she?

Who?

Oh, that's Shelly Picante.

I don't know if you've heard.

I'm flying solo now.

Shelley's gonna be my first client.

She is gonna be huge.

Yeah, right.

(guests chattering)

Was I wrong about Nicole?

(lively music)

- [Man] Well, of course.

I mean, your last film was fabulous!

What was it again?

Oh, it was the Spanish blockbuster.

(speaking foreign language)

Yeah, Spanish blockbuster.

She's Latin.

Oh!

Kissy kissy.

(smooching)

Oh dear, car crash again?

No, it's just a facelift.

Oh, I just love your facelifts.

You've got to give me your guy's number.

Oh no, wait.

That is my butt surgeon.

Let's see.

Eyes.

Tummy.

Lips.

There's the face guy.

Excuse me.

(lively music)

(laughing)

Hi.

I'm Neil Brar, Senior Executive Manager

and Cantec Celebrity Management.

Hi.

I'm Shelley.

Shelley Picante.

Ah, Latina.

Latina.

It's perfect.

There's a real need for Latina actresses right now.

In fact, we were looking to add some to our roster.

You speak Spanish?

(speaking foreign language)

That's actually the only two words I know, but...

So, how would you feel about

becoming a client of our company?

I'd really like that.

Great.

I would really love to work on you, for you.

Welcome aboard.

(lively music)

- [Rob] Did you have fun tonight?

Yeah, yeah I did.

You know though, the more time I spend

with Americans, the more I miss people from back home.

They're,

they're not so superficial.

They're more simple.

My hometown, too.

But you're American, like the people were tonight.

I think the real America lives well beyond Hollywood.

Hey, hey.

Look at the stars.

This is really rare for L.A.

You know, Rob, when I was a little girl,

I gazed at the stars at night,

and wondered if my soul mate in America

looked at the same stars I did and the deal was,

if a star twinkled, it meant yes.

Did it twinkle.

Always.

(melancholy music)

And uh,

Neil

was that soul mate?

Yeah.

How do you know?

I mean, couldn't it be another American?

Like who?

I don't know, it could be anybody.

He could be living in Kansas.

Kansas?

Where's Kansas?

It's far.

It could be somebody from the party tonight, or,

or that trainer from the gym.

No. No.

(melancholy music)

Could be...

Could be me.

(chuckling)

No, you have more in common with people from Mars.

Just kidding, right?

I, uh,

I always wondered what it would be like

to kiss for the first time.

You're 28 and you've never been kissed before?

(melancholy music)

What are we doing?

You love Nicole.

I love Neil.

(door thudding)

(melancholy music)

(lively music)

See, see?

Right there.

That should be, that should have been

a penalty, right there, but they don't call that stuff.

- [Rob] When you say--

Monstrosity, yeah.

If he, hey!

Hey.

Neil just called.

The director for AmeriBabe wants to see me

for a small role in the movie.

That's amazing.

This is, this is great.

Why are you so bummed.

Because we have a huge problem.

I told my family that Neil's ready to marry me,

but we can't go to Canada for my cousin's wedding

because he's super busy at work,

and guess what?

They're coming to Los Angeles.

They're coming here?

Mmm hmm.

When?

In a few weeks.

So, more of you?

This is a problem.

You don't understand, Blaine.

They're coming to my wedding.

Wait, wait.

Your wedding?

Yes, they have decided to kill

two stones with one bird.

Really?

Does the groom know?

You guys, I am so close to getting Neil.

I don't want to ruin it now.

So I figured, since my parents have never met him

as an adult, I'll just have somebody else

pretend they're Neil.

Shelley, Shelley, let's back up.

Hold on.

Who in their right mind would do something like that?

I don't know.

I was thinking maybe...

Oh no.

(playful music)

No, no.

(laughing)

No, no, no.

I am a white kid from Tennessee.

There's nothing remotely Indian about me.

Rob, we have fair skinned Indians.

Unh uh.

Indians love white skin, just not whites.

Honestly, in arranged marriages,

they're like, the first ones to go.

Hmm, well remind me never to move to India.

Rob.

Just as you taught me to be American,

I can teach you to be Indian.

She's completely lost it.

It's only for one weekend.

Then they go to Canada.

It's my only chance of getting Neil back.

Absolutely not.

(lively music)

All right, you also have to grow your beard and mustache.

I have to grow a beard, too?

Can't I just use a fake one?

No, you can't.

(speaking foreign language)

What is that?

This is my Halloween costume from last year.

(mumbling)

- [Shelley] What is Halloween?

It's Blaine's one chance a year

to make a complete idiot of himself.

This is true, this is true,

but this is the look that we were going for, right?

Actually, my religion has nothing to do

with him or Islam or Arabs or anything (mumbling).

(mumbling)

Yeah, for our wedding, Rob has to be Sikh.

I'm very susceptible to colds.

Oh, I had a question.

Can I flirt with the bridesmaids at an Indian wedding?

No, we do not flirt in India.

Well, do you do anything fun?

All right, what else do I have to do?

Every time you see my mom and dad,

you have to touch their feet.

It's a sign of respect.

Whoa, whoa, whoa time out.

What if their feet are dirty or smelly?

Blaine, my family does not have smelly feet.

After 36 hours on a plane?

Feel for you, man.

Okay, and also, you have (mumbling).

It's a very, very important part

of the Indian wedding ritual.

(singing in foreign language)

I can't pull this off.

I mean, you've seen me dance,

(stammering)

I don't sing.

Indians don't sing, either.

They lip sync.

At Indian weddings and in Indian movies just like that.

(lively country music)

♪ I ♪

♪ I've always been a little shy ♪

♪ I've always been quiet type til now ♪

♪ And I ♪

♪ Never let my feelings show ♪

♪ Never let anybody know ♪

♪ Just how ♪

♪ Much I was so deep in love ♪

♪ But now that you're in my arms ♪

♪ Gonna stand on a rooftop ♪

♪ Climb up a mountaintop baby scream and shout ♪

♪ Wanna sing it on the radio show ♪

♪ And on a video baby ♪

♪ Leave no doubt ♪

♪ I want the whole world to know ♪

♪ World to know ♪

♪ Just what I'm all about ♪

♪ I love to love you out loud ♪

(lively music)

♪ French kissin' in the USA ♪

♪ French kissin' in the USA ♪

♪ French kissin' French kissin' ♪

♪ French kissin' in the USA ♪

♪ French kissin' in the USA ♪

- [Rob] You all right?

Yeah.

(jet engine zooming)

(lively music)

Daddy-ji.

(speaking foreign language)

Ma.

Littly.

Happy.

Where have you been?

Why are you at departures?

We look for you up and down, up and down.

(speaking foreign language)

This is Neelu.

Paprika.

(speaking foreign language)

You've changed.

Before you were not so white in India.

Oh.

He's been using these great skin whitening creams.

(speaking foreign language)

I use it in India.

But this one seems to be much better.

You must give me the name for our Littly.

I will share all of my beauty secrets with you.

Why are his eyes blue?

Oh.

Contacts.

Huh?

Lenses.

Sorry to hear about your parents Patel.

Terrible news.

Where is your older brother now?

My older brother?

(playful music)

A very nice young man, older than me,

but still nice.

Who is he?

Or where is he?

He's at Neelu's apartment.

Neelu's apart, my apartment.

I will call him.

Uh, no.

I'll call him.

I will call.

No, I will call him.

This belonged to Shalini's grandfather.

Welcome to the family, son.

I have found him.

Shouldn't have bothered him.

He's probably busy with his family.

Nay, nay, he's single.

Doesn't have a family.

Single?

That's auspicious.

(lively vocalizing music)

(speaking foreign language)

Oh, he doesn't speak Punjabi anymore.

Leh?

How are you son?

You were 10 years old when we saw you last, eh?

I think Neelu used up all the skin bleach, huh?

Not changed at all.

Still the same sweet boy we used to call Pinky.

I will not call you Parminder.

I will call you Pinky only.

Well, I would love it if you called me Pinky.

(chuckling)

These people and their crazy names.

I'm Happy.

Happy you're Happy.

I'm happy, too.

You're not happy, I'm Happy.

You're Pinky.

Yes, yes, I'm Pinky and you are Happy.

And I'm Littly.

Well.

If I can be pink, you can be little.

Shut up, Pinky.

Always blabbers when he gets excited.

Oh, that's okay.

Well, it's good for a boy to talk.

Happy hardly talks these days.

So, now, tell me.

How much money you make every year?

Ma.

I'm sure he doesn't mind.

Do you?

No, not at all.

I don't mind discussing my salary with the world.

I make about 30,000.

Fantastic.

Any hobbies?

Yeah, working out.

Cooking.

Playing dress up.

Cooking?

Our Littly loves to eat.

No kidding.

Maybe you could make her a nice Indian meal

for your future bride.

Excuse me?

You probably don't remember,

but when we engaged Neelu to Shalini,

we also engaged you to Littly.

So, it will be your wedding.

(speaking foreign language)

Welcome to the family, son.

(lively music)

(speaking foreign language)

Come, son.

(singing in foreign language)

(clapping)

At this auspicious time, we want you to share

in another celebration.

We have decided

to marry our Littly to Pinky today.

(excited chattering)

(clapping)

I cannot marry Littly.

In my culture, you don't marry someone

that you're not in love with.

What do you mean, in your culture?

Pinky.

I'm not who you think I am.

Eh?

(lively music)

(crowd gasping)

Oy!

Oh, Lord.

Lord.

(excited chattering)

My name is Blaine and I'm a friend of Neil's.

When the real Pinky couldn't show up,

I stepped in and listen, Shelley,

I wanna help you out, but not at the risk

of breaking your sister's heart.

(speaking foreign language)

To think I almost married my daughter off

to an American.

You could have never faced any of our relatives any more.

Oh my God.

That would have been the end of my life.

And what about you?

Are you for real?

Ah!

Sorry, (speaking foreign language).

Had to make sure.

Ma.

I even told you it was a bad idea,

and I was right, wasn't I?

But that's reason enough to celebrate.

You still are a good dancer, Neelu Patel?

I practice every day.

(mumbling)

(lively music)

- [Littly] Come, let's go.

You still like extra spicy hot food?

Good!

I have a surprise for you!

Chicken (mumbling) with extra hot chilis!

(speaking foreign language)

(siren blaring)

(lively beat music)

- [Rob] Oh, Lord.

Oh, Lord.

(knocking)

Rob.

(toilet flushing) (knocking)

Rob.

Are you okay?

I'm fantastic, how are you?

Listen, I forget to tell you my parents

ordered extra spicy food for Neil.

It's just FYI.

Thanks for the heads up.

It's good to know.

We need to pick a date for the court wedding.

But they just got married.

Can you believe this country?

They want every wedding, birth and date to be documented.

I know an auspicious date.

We're here on the sixth on our way back to India.

(lively music)

I cannot believe that we pulled that off.

Hey, we should cancel that court date.

I'll either be married to Neil,

or on my way back to India by then.

Listen, you need to worry about your audition.

What if we forget later?

Then I will go and cancel it personally.

Personally?

You won't call them.

You won't email them.

You won't text message.

Yes, miss hip U.S.A., I promise.

Rob, thank you so much for everything.

Of course, except for the curry,

I'd marry you again in a heartbeat.

What?

(lively music)

Okay, what we're looking for today is

what AmeriBabe means to you in your own words.

And, action.

AmeriBabe is the best.

How was that?

Take it a little bit further.

She's um, like ice cream.

All right, thank you.

Is there a script for this?

(lively music)

We're really leaning more towards in your own words.

Yeah, but can I see the script?

AmeriBabe is...

Cool.

- [Alan] And?

And,

AmeriBabe is

hot.

Shelley Picante.

Shelley Picante.

Have we met?

No.

You were at the party the other night.

Yeah, I remember, there were people mobbing you

to get your autograph.

Yes!

Yes, she is, hot like Picante.

Thank you so much for coming to see us today, really.

Oh, thank you, I really, I really appreciate it.

Okay, bye.

(lively music)

We're replacing Nicole Westham.

But they all sucked.

Shelley Picante is where the fire isn't.

She's on the top 50 list.

Of what?

I've never heard of her.

Exactly.

You're brilliant.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

What kind of Latina magic did you work at that audition?

I got a role in AmeriBabe?

You got a role, you got a role, all right.

The director is replacing Nicole

and you, my dear, are his new lead.

We're gonna celebrate.

Be ready in an hour.

(engine grumbling)

(tires squealing)

What are you doin' out here?

Have you seen this?

I have.

- [Rob] Have you seen this?

I have.

This is unbelievable! I know, I know.

We gotta celebrate. I know.

- [Rob] Blaine is waiting for us--

I can't.

I'm having lunch with Neil.

Okay.

(melancholy music)

We'll catch up later.

(tires squealing)

(melancholy music)

- [Neil] So, how does it feel?

I can't believe it.

I mean, just yesterday--

That's why they call it an overnight success.

Takes hard work to reach the top here.

It's even harder to stay there.

That requires strategy.

Like, you can't be nice anymore.

You're not serious, Neil.

Bad behavior creates scandal.

Scandal creates controversy.

Controversy creates publicity.

And publicity ups your price.

(melancholy piano music)

Is that all that matters to you?

Money and this business?

'Course not, sweetheart.

My clients matter to me.

Is that why you dumped me in a heartbeat?

What about all the promises you made to me

about us being together forever?

Get real, Nicole.

The person I marry will be on their way up.

Like Shelley, not a has-been like you.

Now, if you'll excuse us.

(splashing)

I hate it when they do that.

I can't believe you just broke up with Nicole.

You don't break up with someone you were never with.

Which reminds me, what was Rob doing at your place?

He lives there.

We're friends.

Okay, rule of thumb.

If someone can't help you get ahead in life

or make you any money, they're useless to you.

Useless?

What if they're nice?

Nice doesn't pay the bills, Shelley.

(knocking)

- [Rob] Hi.

Laundry?

Uh, packing.

Packing?

I'm moving.

Goin' back home.

What?

Why?

I kinda feel like my job's done.

It's all right.

We got what we wanted.

And knowing Neil, you guys'll be married

by the end of the week.

I kinda feel like there's not much here for me, anymore.

Actually, there is.

Neil broke up with Nicole.

Oh, really?

Wow, thanks.

Think I'll pass.

(melancholy music)

But, isn't that what you wanted, Rob?

- [Rob] Oh, no, careful what you wish for, blah, blah, blah.

So what do you want?

Doesn't matter, Shelley.

This was never about me.

You're happy, right?

Yeah, I think so.

So, when are you leavin'?

Oh, don't worry.

I'll finish what I started.

I'll be here when your parents get back

and I'll take off when they go to India.

Will you give me your address?

I don't think it's a good idea.

(melancholy music)

David, don't test me.

You know as well as I do that Shelley's

quote is one million.

But we'll take half a mil, goodbye.

Oh, if you married me, my little chili pepper,

we would be Hollywood's power couple.

Gloria, will you fax Ramson Studios Shelley's contract

for half a mil.

[Woman On Speaker] Gloria's at lunch, Mr. Brar.

All right, I'll do it myself.

(melancholy music)

(moves into lively music)

How long have we known that Shelley Picante's

real name is Shalini Singh?

[Woman On Speaker] From day one, Mr. Brar.

Is there a problem?

Any other day, yes.

Today, I'm feeling lucky.

(speaking foreign language)

(knocking)

Don't know if I ever can make up for all the pain

I've caused you, but I can certainly try.

(speaking foreign language)

Shalini Singh.

Will you marry me?

Neil.

- [Daddy-Ji] What's going on?

Why are you calling him Neil?

(mumbling) Neil's right here.

That's not Neil.

I'm Neil.

That's Robert Shorwell.

He is, was my assistant

until I fired him.

Okay, let's not get excited.

I am Rob, Robert Shorwell.

I am not Indian.

(speaking foreign language)

The relatives will have a field day with this.

(speaking foreign language)

Is anyone who they say they are in this country?

Daddy-ji.

It's not really his fault.

This was all my idea.

No, it wasn't.

He made a bet with our owner that if he

could Americanize Shalini,

he could have my job.

(melancholy music)

That's not true.

My poor, simple daughter.

Ruined by this American.

Was it all a lie?

No, no, I mean, it started out that way

(stammering)

sorry I lied.

It's just I,

I wanted so badly to make something of myself,

you know?

Wasn't 'til I started spending every single day

with you that I finally felt like it became something.

I don't want to be Neil.

And Americanized or not, you're the most

beautiful person that I know.

(melancholy music)

Shalini, I am so in love with you.

Leave right now!

You have ruined enough lives!

- [Rob] Talk to Gary.

He knows the truth.

(speaking foreign language)

(uptempo music)

We are truly cursed!

Don't just stand there.

(speaking foreign language)

I'm not going back to India, Ma.

I love Rob.

I believe him.

(smacking)

Daddy-ji, please say yes.

Then go.

I'll pretend one of my daughters has died today.

Oh, God, how will we face the neighbors

when we get back?

What to do with her now?

I'll marry her.

Really?

You do that, knowing she married someone else?

What can I say?

I'm a nice guy.

We'll get her a divorce.

I know a really good divorce lawyer.

I've used him many times.

Eh?

For friends, I mean.

I don't know how to thank you, Patel.

(speaking foreign language)

If you knew him the way I know him,

you would never want me to marry him.

I don't care what you know.

He's an Indian and he's a Sikh.

He's willing to marry you in spite of your shameful actions.

(speaking foreign language)

(melancholy music)

I thought you said no price is too high

to see a smile on your child's face.

Daddy-ji, can I at least tell you

what I just found out?

(melancholy music)

(traffic zooming)

- [Man On P.A.] Neil Brar and Shalini Singh.

Hey, Neil and Shalini won't be here.

I'm here to cancel it.

Okay.

Oh, that won't be necessary.

What are you doing here?

Getting married.

Like we're supposed to.

What about your family?

Oh, hello.

Hello, Rob.

Sorry we doubted you.

But now we know the truth.

Facing my relatives, painful.

Seeing the smile on my child's face, priceless.

(lively country music)

♪ I ♪

How did you find me?

You promised.

♪ I've always been the quiet type until now ♪

♪ And I ♪

♪ Never let my feelings show ♪

♪ Never let anybody know ♪

♪ Just how ♪

I love you. I love you, too.

♪ Much I was so deep in love ♪

♪ But now that you're in my arms ♪

♪ Gonna stand on a rooftop ♪

♪ Climb up a mountaintop ♪

♪ Baby scream and shout ♪

♪ I wanna sing at all the radio show ♪

♪ And on a video play ♪

♪ Leave no doubt ♪

♪ I want the whole world to know ♪

♪ World to know ♪

My man.

Your roommate said you're moving.

- [Rob] Yeah, that's right.

Don't be silly.

You don't have to do that.

Huh?

Come back to the company, Rob.

It's all water under the bridge.

Huh?

I'll even make you my partner.

No, no thank you.

You, my little mango chutney.

You have a half mil contract to sign, huh?

Remember?

Your dad, he joined our hands.

Told us to be friends forever.

Neil, we'll be friends.

But, long distance ones.

Good luck in Hollywood.

Whoa, whoa, I hand you both everything

on a platter and you're gonna turn it down?

We've got everything we need right here.

Come on, Betsy.

♪ Leave no doubt ♪

♪ I want the whole world to know ♪

♪ World to know ♪

Hey!

What about my commission?

♪ I love to love you out loud ♪

♪ Baby I want the whole world to see ♪

♪ Want the world to see ♪

♪ Just how good your love looks on me ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Gonna stand on a rooftop ♪

♪ Climb up a mountaintop ♪

♪ Baby scream and shout ♪

♪ I wanna say it on a radio show ♪

♪ And on a video baby ♪

♪ Leave no doubt ♪

♪ I want the whole world to know ♪

♪ World to know ♪

♪ Just what I'm all about ♪

♪ I love to love you ♪

♪ Baby I love to love you out loud ♪

(camera clicking)

♪ Love to love you out loud ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

(lively music)

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Still inside yourself ♪

♪ And what do you feel ♪

♪ Are you tearing at the seams ♪

♪ Ready to believe in something ♪

♪ You only heard or read about ♪

♪ There's a side of your soul ♪

♪ That one won't let go ♪

♪ No, it's never easy ♪

♪ So you take it real slow ♪

♪ Once you do, you'll be dancing in the clouds ♪

♪ Well it's all right in front of you ♪

♪ Say your heart is roll ♪

♪ Where you follow that notion ♪

♪ Give in to the love and you ride that emotion ♪

♪ From the looks of things ♪

♪ You're okay ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Where you come from ♪

♪ And who you are ♪

♪ It's just around the corner ♪

♪ No, it's never too far ♪

♪ So, you're all right ♪

♪ Baby, you're okay ♪

♪ It's not the you that you (mumbling) ♪

♪ It's just a matter of freedom ♪

(singing in foreign language)

♪ Ain't it funny how us two kids collide ♪

♪ Taste the fruit, let's get on with the flyin' ♪

♪ Maybe ♪

♪ It's a beautiful plane ♪

♪ Although I were about to change ♪

♪ When your heart is rollin' ♪

♪ When you follow that emotion ♪

♪ Give in to the love ♪

♪ And you ride that emotion ♪

♪ From the looks of things, you're okay ♪

♪ Where you come from ♪

♪ And who you are ♪

♪ Just around the corner ♪

♪ No, it's never too far ♪

♪ So you're all right with you're okay ♪

♪ It's not the you that you (mumbling) ♪

♪ It's just a matter of freedom ♪

(singing in foreign language)

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, you're heart is roll ♪

♪ When you follow that emotion ♪

♪ Give in to the love ♪

♪ And you ride that ocean ♪

♪ From the looks of things ♪

♪ You're okay ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Where you come from ♪

♪ And who you are ♪

♪ Is just around the corner ♪

♪ No, it's never too far ♪

♪ So, you're all right, baby you're okay ♪

♪ It's not the you that you (mumbling) ♪

♪ It's just a matter of freedom ♪

(singing in foreign language)

♪ Say you heart is roll ♪

♪ When you follow that emotion ♪

♪ Give in to the love ♪

♪ And you ride that emotion ♪

♪ From the looks of things, you're okay ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Where you come from ♪

♪ And who you are ♪

♪ Is just around the corner ♪

♪ No, it's never too far ♪

♪ So you're all right, baby you're okay ♪

♪ It's not the you that you (mumbling) ♪

♪ It's just a matter of freedom ♪

♪ Freedom ♪

(singing in foreign language)

- [Ben On Radio] Good morning L.A.

Ben Dover here.

This just in.

Dancing In The Clouds, that Bollywood Nashville

mash up everyone's talking about

has just reached number one on the music video charts.

All this from that little Indian that could,

Americanizing Shelley.

You heard it here first.