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Bill, can you bring me my purse?
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00:00:06,930 --> 00:00:07,930
What?
3
00:00:08,750 --> 00:00:10,650
Can you bring me my purse?
4
00:00:13,250 --> 00:00:14,250
What?
5
00:00:16,129 --> 00:00:19,470
I said, can you bring me my purse?
6
00:00:20,010 --> 00:00:21,410
Well, you're closer.
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Find my checkbook. You need to write
Tina a check for the magazine you
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Stupid magazines.
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00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:36,100
Another reason Tina's here, because I
didn't have one that night.
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00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:39,860
No, your checkbook's not in here.
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It's got to be.
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No, just sunglasses, birth control,
pills, and an algebra book.
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00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:52,960
Ah, this must be Lauren Perth. Uh -huh.
Yours must be around here.
14
00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:56,200
Wait, wait a minute. What the hell?
15
00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:59,860
Bill, I can explain. What is she doing
with my sunglasses?
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00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:08,970
Do you have any idea how hard it is to
find sunglasses that don't squeeze you?
17
00:01:08,990 --> 00:01:11,190
Why are there birth control pills in
Lauren's purse?
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00:01:11,870 --> 00:01:16,370
Don't freak, Bill. I know all about
them. I helped her get them. You put our
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daughter on the pill?
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They are not for birth control, okay?
She has some other female issues that
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birth control pills are used to
regulate.
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Like what?
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Well, this is some of the stuff you
wanted to be kept out of the loop on,
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remember? Try me. If I can't handle it,
I'll tell you to stop.
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Okay, um, the uterus... Stop, stop.
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00:01:38,330 --> 00:01:43,030
But how can you be sure she's not using
them for some guy instead of her, you
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00:01:43,030 --> 00:01:44,030
know, waterers?
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Because she doesn't have a boyfriend.
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How do you know that?
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Because she told me. Oh, oh, she told
you. And we all know teenagers always
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the truth, especially in a house where
honesty is valued, which is not here!
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Bill? I have a trusting relationship
with our children. Lauren tells me
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everything. And what she doesn't, I get
out of Tina by stuffing her with candy.
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00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:11,800
Not to suggest you're not doing a good
job with Lauren, but I'm taking over
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raising her. Oh, come on. You're
overreacting. A driver's license, birth
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pill. Where are this kid's parents?
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I am officially back in the loop, and
I'm going to find out what's really
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on with these pills. No. No, you're not.
If you even tell her about the pills,
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she'll be humiliated, and she'll never
trust me again.
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00:02:30,190 --> 00:02:31,910
I'm allowed to talk to my daughter.
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00:02:32,350 --> 00:02:37,510
Fine. Take a shot. But the last thing a
16 -year -old girl wants to do is talk
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to her dad about sex.
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I know how to be subtle and delicate
when talking to women.
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By the way, the Sweaty Yams are aces
today.
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00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:02,800
I don't know why I'm taking a driving
lesson from you, Dad. Mom says you
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two cars.
47
00:03:03,940 --> 00:03:05,920
I only crashed one car.
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00:03:06,860 --> 00:03:11,200
But I crashed it into our other car, so
in your mother's twisted logic, I guess
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00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:12,220
I crashed two cars.
50
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:15,580
So, how you been?
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00:03:16,580 --> 00:03:19,680
Why? Because I'm interested in what's
going on in your life.
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00:03:21,420 --> 00:03:22,900
Anything new in school?
53
00:03:24,540 --> 00:03:27,640
Science has gotten easier since I
started teaching creationism.
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00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:30,120
Now, if you don't know the answer, you
can just say God did it.
55
00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:35,520
Or you could always ask your boyfriend.
What's his name again?
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00:03:36,100 --> 00:03:37,320
Dad, I don't have a boyfriend.
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00:03:37,700 --> 00:03:38,700
Can we just drive?
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00:03:38,940 --> 00:03:42,440
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'll keep the
conversation on driving.
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00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:49,540
When you think about it, though, driving
is a lot like a lot of other things in
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life.
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00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:56,700
It is? Sure. It's a very serious
responsibility, and, you know, a lot of
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rush into it.
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You know what I mean?
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Guess.
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00:04:01,830 --> 00:04:05,230
In fact, you know, maybe you shouldn't
do it till you're older. Much, much
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00:04:05,230 --> 00:04:10,030
older. But everybody my age does it,
Dad. Well, that doesn't mean you're
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00:04:10,510 --> 00:04:14,610
Why? The first time I did it, I was
really good, and I've only gotten
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00:04:15,550 --> 00:04:16,550
What?
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I'm a really good driver.
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Oh, yeah, driving.
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00:04:24,030 --> 00:04:26,210
What's... What's this?
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Oh, that must be Nick's shirt.
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Nick?
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Yeah, some guy from my school.
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00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:34,450
Who was undressing in your car?
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I gave him a ride home and he got hot.
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I bet he did.
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00:04:39,710 --> 00:04:43,470
All right, that's it. Lesson's over.
We're going home. No more driving ever.
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00:04:43,810 --> 00:04:47,990
Why? Because I had a friend in the car?
Who gets hot and just takes their shirt
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00:04:47,990 --> 00:04:50,030
off? I've seen you do it at the dinner
table.
81
00:04:51,490 --> 00:04:54,970
That's a little treat for your mother as
a reward for her fine cooking.
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00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:01,039
What's wrong?
83
00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:02,440
Your dad crashed another car?
84
00:05:03,820 --> 00:05:07,820
Worse. He started freaking out because
he found a shirt in the backseat. Whose
85
00:05:07,820 --> 00:05:11,440
shirt? Nick DeFalco's. I told you about
him. He's just a friend.
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00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:16,060
Oh, a boy who's a friend. Put those
together, what do you get? A boyfriend.
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00:05:17,100 --> 00:05:21,060
Which you said she didn't have, Judy.
Once again, where are her parents?
88
00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:25,580
Well, I'm her mother, and I'm thinking
of getting back in touch with her real
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father.
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00:05:28,140 --> 00:05:30,460
Yeah, what exactly is your problem, Dad?
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00:05:30,700 --> 00:05:34,660
My problem is boys are getting hot in
your car and you're on the pill.
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00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,580
You know I'm on the pill?
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00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:42,660
Mom! I didn't tell him. He found it when
he was rifling through your purse.
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There's no privacy in this house. I hate
this.
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Boy, you really stepped in it.
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No, I married it.
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A big...
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pile of it.
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I can't believe you brought up the
pills. Now, she's never going to trust
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00:06:02,310 --> 00:06:07,190
again. She was lying to you about why
she wanted them. No, she told me about
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00:06:07,190 --> 00:06:10,970
this Nick. He's just some doofy guy from
school, but you overreacted and you
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blew it for both of us. You know what,
buddy? You're back out of the loop.
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00:06:14,670 --> 00:06:18,550
Yeah, we're going back to the way it's
always been. Me raising Lorne as a
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mom. She needs a father in her life. I
know, but I can't find the cocktail
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napkin with his number on it.
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Hi, girl.
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00:06:33,270 --> 00:06:34,270
Hi, Mr. Miller.
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00:06:34,570 --> 00:06:36,310
We're going up to my room, Betty.
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I'll try not to have sex while we're up.
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I was told we were going to work on our
book report.
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Listen, listen, Lauren, I'm really sorry
about yesterday. I overreacted.
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You're a good girl, and I totally trust
you.
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Thanks, Dad.
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Trust you to fall.
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Right into my trap.
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00:07:03,140 --> 00:07:06,040
What are you doing with that baby
monitor? Shh, I'm spying.
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On a baby?
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What's her dad apologizing?
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He freaked out over nothing.
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Yeah, my dad apologizes to me all the
time. It's one of the 12 steps.
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Crouching sound coming from under your
bed.
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00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:42,520
Your mother thinks she's all innocent,
but your sister's up to something, and
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I'm going to find out what.
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It's awfully quiet up there.
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Yeah, that's probably because you put
the wrong end of the monitor up in her
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room.
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I did?
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Son of a... It's the way we always used
it.
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Well, that explains a lot of cries that
went unanswered.
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00:08:04,550 --> 00:08:05,550
Hello?
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Just a second.
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00:08:08,430 --> 00:08:09,650
Lauren, phone!
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It's him. It's the guy.
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Hanging up!
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00:08:15,810 --> 00:08:17,690
Hello? Hi, Lauren.
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Oh, hey, you.
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Are we still getting together tonight?
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It's so great that the Wagners asked me
to watch their house and feed their pets
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while they're away.
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We're going to have the whole place to
ourselves.
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I can't wait to get all over your fine
stuff.
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Judy has no idea what's going on with
that little girl.
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Let's get out of here. Totally.
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00:09:15,570 --> 00:09:17,010
Act normal.
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Do we normally write on the table in
mustard?
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If you wanted to go for an evening walk,
this is so romantic.
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00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:52,180
Yeah, about that. It was all a big lie.
I just wanted to show you the house
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00:09:52,180 --> 00:09:56,540
where our daughter is fornicating. What
are you talking about? Lauren is in here
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right now with a boy.
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00:09:58,580 --> 00:10:04,560
No, she is house -sitting for the
Wabners by herself. Oh, wake up. A
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00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:07,980
girl on the pill in an empty house with
beds.
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00:10:08,340 --> 00:10:11,120
It's practically the first verse of a
Van Halen song.
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00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:16,200
You've been snowed by our daughter.
Prepare to feel very, very foolish.
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00:10:17,980 --> 00:10:21,760
You are right, Bill. I feel like an ass.
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00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:23,340
Wait, let me finish.
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It's standing right next to me.
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00:10:27,140 --> 00:10:28,840
What are you guys doing here?
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00:10:29,060 --> 00:10:31,280
Your father thought you were over here
with some boy.
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00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:33,820
What? I am just house -sitting.
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00:10:34,060 --> 00:10:38,740
See, Bill? Oh, drop the act. I heard you
on the phone planning your rendezvous.
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00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:39,960
Where is this guy?
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00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:42,640
You're listening in on my call? You were
listening?
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Somebody has to. I'm just being a
responsible parent.
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00:10:47,210 --> 00:10:49,470
Look, there's no boy. I don't know
why... No, Dad.
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00:10:49,970 --> 00:10:51,150
Dad, don't open that door.
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00:10:51,490 --> 00:10:54,970
Oh, look, Judy. She doesn't want me to
open this door.
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00:10:55,650 --> 00:10:57,450
Wonder who could be hiding in here.
168
00:11:02,870 --> 00:11:06,510
Was this all some trick to make your
father look like an idiot?
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00:11:07,010 --> 00:11:10,170
Sort of. Ah, stop biting my ass!
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00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:11,590
Good job.
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00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:19,480
Here, I'm going to the concert.
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00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:20,680
Wait a minute.
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Concert? Yeah, Green Day, remember?
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No. Who are you going with?
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00:11:25,460 --> 00:11:30,200
With Nick. I told you. Well, I don't
remember. Bill, did you hear anything
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00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:34,200
this? Don't look at me. I'm out of the
loop. I'm just a guy who lives here now.
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00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:39,040
And now that I'm removed from parenting,
I can be honest.
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00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:41,460
Those paintings you made in
kindergarten?
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Weak.
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00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:46,680
Mom, I've got to go. He's waiting.
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Fine, but be home right after the
concert.
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00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:55,640
That was weird. I swear she never said
anything to me about a concert.
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00:11:56,420 --> 00:11:57,420
Hmm.
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00:11:58,180 --> 00:11:59,180
What are you thinking?
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00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:02,740
How freeing it is not to have any kids.
186
00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:06,220
I don't have any reason to be here now.
187
00:12:06,580 --> 00:12:07,860
What about me, Bill?
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00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:12,500
A single mom with three kids? Ooh,
that's a lot to take on. I'll be a Kyle.
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00:12:16,430 --> 00:12:17,430
Bye, Mom. See you later.
190
00:12:17,450 --> 00:12:18,550
Where are you going?
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00:12:18,870 --> 00:12:20,050
Oh, a basketball game.
192
00:12:20,270 --> 00:12:21,550
A lot of good freshmen this year.
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00:12:21,970 --> 00:12:23,850
Really? The team's good.
194
00:12:24,130 --> 00:12:26,190
Oh, I don't know. I'm talking about the
cheer squad.
195
00:12:27,210 --> 00:12:31,090
Um, did Lauren take the car? No, her
friend took her to the Green Day
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00:12:31,390 --> 00:12:32,470
But that was canceled.
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00:12:33,730 --> 00:12:35,890
Canceled? Yeah, last week. She knew
that.
198
00:12:36,430 --> 00:12:38,090
What, she lied to me?
199
00:12:38,590 --> 00:12:42,450
I don't believe it. Your dad was right
about her and Nick?
200
00:12:42,910 --> 00:12:43,910
Nick? Nick who?
201
00:12:43,950 --> 00:12:44,950
Nick DeFalco.
202
00:12:45,500 --> 00:12:46,500
Nick the Balco?
203
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:49,120
Yeah, Lauren said he's some doofy kid
from school.
204
00:12:49,860 --> 00:12:50,860
Flick Nick?
205
00:12:51,900 --> 00:12:54,440
Nick the Trick? Knows his way around a
chick?
206
00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:57,520
They write poems about him?
207
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,960
Oh, my God, I'm calling that kid's
parents.
208
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:03,740
Um, Nick doesn't live with his parents.
He has his own apartment.
209
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:06,600
He has his own apartment?
210
00:13:06,940 --> 00:13:09,460
Yeah, you know, it's great. You know,
all the guys bring all the girls over
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00:13:09,460 --> 00:13:14,340
there to... Just to talk and do nothing
else ever.
212
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:16,260
Get in the car. You're taking me there.
213
00:13:16,940 --> 00:13:19,700
Great. It's the one time I finally get
to go to Nick's. It's got to be with my
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00:13:19,700 --> 00:13:20,700
mom.
215
00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:22,440
This is so embarrassing.
216
00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:25,740
Okay, you might want to stay in the car.
217
00:14:03,950 --> 00:14:04,950
How was your night?
218
00:14:05,830 --> 00:14:06,830
Fine.
219
00:14:07,070 --> 00:14:09,290
Your sinus is acting up?
220
00:15:06,730 --> 00:15:07,730
wants waffles.
221
00:15:10,270 --> 00:15:11,270
What?
222
00:15:12,090 --> 00:15:15,430
Whenever I'm feeling down, waffles
always make me feel better.
223
00:15:15,770 --> 00:15:17,790
Why don't you go down and whip it up a
batch?
224
00:15:19,070 --> 00:15:21,710
I don't want any waffles.
225
00:15:25,070 --> 00:15:30,810
Honey, I know I'm not supposed to be
sticking my nose in your business, but
226
00:15:30,810 --> 00:15:31,810
are you upset about?
227
00:15:33,030 --> 00:15:36,270
You don't have to do this. I can just
wait for Mom to come home. Oh, no.
228
00:15:36,910 --> 00:15:37,910
I really want to know.
229
00:15:38,890 --> 00:15:43,650
Well, I was alone with Nick, and I did
something really, really stupid.
230
00:15:44,950 --> 00:15:47,710
You know, your mom should be home any
minute.
231
00:15:49,290 --> 00:15:50,770
Mom, come home.
232
00:15:51,090 --> 00:15:52,590
Just forget it, Dad.
233
00:15:53,270 --> 00:15:54,770
You can go back downstairs.
234
00:15:57,470 --> 00:15:58,630
I'm sorry, honey.
235
00:16:00,450 --> 00:16:02,230
You're upset, and you need to talk.
236
00:16:04,330 --> 00:16:08,970
You can tell me anything you want,
including whatever you and Nick did, and
237
00:16:08,970 --> 00:16:10,690
promise you won't get into trouble.
238
00:16:11,250 --> 00:16:13,110
We didn't do anything.
239
00:16:13,510 --> 00:16:15,050
Oh, thank God.
240
00:16:15,510 --> 00:16:17,110
But I wanted to.
241
00:16:18,190 --> 00:16:19,590
Oh, God.
242
00:16:23,430 --> 00:16:30,010
We were parked out by the lake, and we
were talking.
243
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:41,800
and he just got really freaked out and
he said he didn't think of you that way
244
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:42,860
and he drove me home.
245
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:44,300
Oh, I'm sorry.
246
00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:48,700
Dad, what's wrong with me? Am I really
that gross?
247
00:16:49,580 --> 00:16:51,040
Come on, honey.
248
00:16:52,980 --> 00:16:54,420
You're not gross.
249
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:57,680
You were when you were three, but
everybody is.
250
00:16:58,860 --> 00:17:00,760
Well, then why doesn't he want me?
251
00:17:01,740 --> 00:17:05,380
I don't know, honey, but, you know,
maybe this is a good thing.
252
00:17:06,890 --> 00:17:12,089
Sounds like Nick wasn't ready for
anything as serious as what you wanted.
253
00:17:12,410 --> 00:17:13,810
I was ready, Dad.
254
00:17:15,630 --> 00:17:20,210
Well, you know, your body might be
ready, but there's nothing wrong with
255
00:17:20,210 --> 00:17:23,329
things down a little and knowing for
sure it's the right guy.
256
00:17:24,490 --> 00:17:28,790
Don't worry. I'm done with boys. I'm
never going to have sex.
257
00:17:29,650 --> 00:17:31,210
Oh, honey, you will.
258
00:17:31,750 --> 00:17:32,750
Trust me.
259
00:17:35,050 --> 00:17:38,850
I hope when the time comes it's... I
know. It's safe and with somebody I
260
00:17:40,690 --> 00:17:42,910
I was going to say not on the couch.
261
00:17:43,510 --> 00:17:45,670
I spend a lot of time there.
262
00:17:48,390 --> 00:17:51,490
You going to be okay?
263
00:17:52,250 --> 00:17:53,250
Yeah.
264
00:17:53,670 --> 00:17:54,670
Good.
265
00:17:57,690 --> 00:17:59,970
I'm really glad you were here tonight,
Dad.
266
00:18:01,230 --> 00:18:02,230
Really?
267
00:18:06,250 --> 00:18:10,350
Oh, you know, no matter what happens in
your life, you can always come to me,
268
00:18:10,450 --> 00:18:11,450
okay?
269
00:18:17,290 --> 00:18:23,730
Dad, I lied to Mom about going to the
concert so I could go to the lake with
270
00:18:23,730 --> 00:18:24,730
Nick.
271
00:18:24,750 --> 00:18:25,790
You're on your own.
272
00:18:29,210 --> 00:18:31,530
You were listening? Why didn't you come
in and help me out?
273
00:18:32,130 --> 00:18:33,430
You were doing pretty good.
274
00:18:34,570 --> 00:18:38,230
In fact, I think you might be farther
inside the loop than I ever was.
275
00:18:39,350 --> 00:18:40,350
Nice job.
276
00:18:40,370 --> 00:18:43,970
Oh, I love that kid. I just hate to see
her hurting.
277
00:18:44,470 --> 00:18:45,470
Yeah.
278
00:18:45,810 --> 00:18:48,430
So should I wait until tomorrow to go
ballistic on her?
279
00:18:49,070 --> 00:18:50,710
Eh, she's already crying.
280
00:19:28,940 --> 00:19:30,640
I was going to finish it. There's just a
little bit left.
22518
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