Original subtitles

Shut up. You shut up. No, you shut up. Both of you shut the hell up.

Where'd they learn to talk like that?

Mom, I want my own room. Sure thing, sweetie.

Really? Yeah.

Besides, it'll kind of be a relief to finally pull that extra wing of the

out of my butt.

Why don't we just buy a new house?

Judy, roll up your sleeves. You're going to have to get the million bucks out,

too.

How come Brian gets his own room?

Because I'm a man.

Then how come you still sleep with a stuffed rabbit?

You sleep with a pillow named Dawson.

She kisses it, too.

You shut up.

You shut up.

Both of you shut up. I have an announcement to make that'll take care

this.

Your mom and I are going to start making out in five, four, three, two... It

works every time.

I'm feeling in love with you today because you make me happy.

If your book is vile, who's that cute skinny guy standing with Mom?

Oh, that's your father.

What happened?

Hey, cut me some slack. I've had three kids.

Hey, guys.

You almost ready?

I want to get to the reunion early enough so that people don't see me

out of Bill's car.

I got an idea. Why don't you just drive there with your husband?

Because I graduated early, honey. I was an accelerated learner.

Yeah, you see her here with the glasses, the acne, the bad perm.

Not a lot of pesky dates to get in the way of studying.

Hey, Linda, stop your coat. Let me see what you're wearing. Oh, no, it's no big

deal. Well, let me see.

Wow, I'm pretty sure those two didn't go to high school with us.

You have to know I'm wearing a water bra.

What's a water bra?

It's a very cruel trick, son.

You two go eat your dinner before your father opens his mouth and more words

come out. Now, when you're at the reunion, remember, you don't have to

be cool.

Yes, we do. Have you ever seen your father dance?

Wait a minute. I know what those are about. Steve Upton.

What? You still have the...

for years. Just because we dated for three weeks, he made me feel special

to go to that extra base, and then the next day dropped me like a $5 whore.

Way to let things go.

Yeah, I just want to look my best. I mean, it's not just because of Steve.

know, the perfect girls are going to be there. Carla Russell, Jane Hamilton.

Oh, let's not forget Christy Duncan. Linda, why are you worried about them?

because they were perfect in high school doesn't mean they're perfect now.

Everybody has their time.

Yeah, right. Trust me.

People like Christy Duncan peak early. Life has a way of evening things out.

You think about these things way too much.

It's different for guys at a reunion. It's not about who's successful or who

still looks good.

What really matters is who has the hottest wife.

I wouldn't kill you to open the upstairs shades a little. I sell toilets, for

God's sakes.

This really takes me back.

Remember when we had our junior prom here?

Yeah. You know, you still owe me a little something from that prom.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

$37 .50 for half the limo.

Well, I think you got a little more than $37 .50 worth of love in that night.

Yeah, at a buck a second. That'd be about right.

Hey, hey, you know, when you have breasts like these, you don't have to

drinks. The drinks are free.

Have you spotted Steve Upton yet? No, no, he's not here. Oh, maybe it's

he's well. Now you can relax.

You're right. I don't even want to see him. I don't even care.

Oh, my God, there he is.

Are my boobs even?

Judy, Judy, look, there's Jerry Bergner. Oh, great.

B .O. Bergner.

I sat behind him in chemistry. He raised his hand a lot.

I hate that guy.

Before he transferred to our school, I was the hot dog -eating champion.

And suddenly, I was just another guy who could eat 32 hot dogs in one sitting.

Excuse me, I have some unfinished business to attend to.

Milly!

Bergner!

So, now that we've caught up, I, uh... I hear the pancake breakfast tomorrow is

all you can eat. All you can eat?

Or all I can eat?

Do I smell a challenge, or did you just raise your hand?

The only thing I smell around here is chicken.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I got 50 bucks and an elastic waistband that says I can eat more

than you. Bring it on!

You know, I do smell chicken. You want to try and find it? Sure.

Judy Michael?

Christy Duncan.

You look great!

Thanks. Wow, you remember me? Of course I do. Why wouldn't I? Well, it's that we

didn't hang out. I mean, you were always... cool kid that I wasn't exactly

of that crowd.

Oh, except for the time that I brought the vodka watermelon to school. Oh,

Didn't you also bring the rum pineapple to school?

I drank a lot of fruit back then.

So what have you been up to? Not much.

Oh, remember the guy at graduation who mooned everyone when he went up to get

his diploma?

Yeah, what happened to that idiot?

I married him.

Good for you.

Still with him? Yep, three kids. Me too.

You know what? This is so great.

to hang out and get to know each other. Not like in high school.

We were more concerned about who was more popular or who hung out with who.

Yeah, that was so stupid.

I mean, look at us. Here we are now. Just a couple of working moms.

Natalie, so how are you paying the bills?

I'm an architect.

Just finished designing an airport in Hong Kong.

How about you?

I'm a dental assistant.

Oh, you clean teeth.

No, I help the person who cleans teeth, which is a pretty big job because, you

know, the dentist can't pull any teeth unless he can find his goggles, and

that's where I come in.

It's a reunion.

Yeah, that's right.

God, we graduated together. I'd completely forgotten.

Come on, we did a lot more than graduate together. We went out.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I vaguely remember that.

You know, I can't remember for the life of me why we broke up.

Gosh, neither can I.

So I guess technically we haven't.

Well, I guess, you know, that's assuming that after 20 years I'm still

available. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean... I'm available.

I mean, you know, just...

He's the kid. Oh, they're adorable.

Where was that taken? Oh, that was in Paris.

We spent the summer there while I was building this opera house.

Um, here we are in Italy.

Have you ever been?

No, we're more water park people.

We only went there because my husband was shooting some idiotic commercial.

Oh, here's my husband now. Oh, my God, Judy, do you know what this guy does?

He directed my favorite beer commercial.

Dude, this is my husband, Trent. Trent, Judy Miller.

Very nice to meet you. Hi. So, Bill, it's so great to see you. How you doing?

Judy, they've got a whole bunch of shrimp here. Did you bring your big

Bill, we don't need to take home food. We can afford our own shrimp.

If you didn't bring the big purse, just tell me.

So, Bill, what do you do for a living? Build and sale. Oh, what do you do?

Designer fixtures.

Mostly toilets.

Hey. You sell beer, I sell toilets. Between the two of us, we got them

and going.

I can't believe your sister went home with Steve Upton.

Wait till he finds out second base is underwater.

Whatever, I'm glad it's over.

So, what do you say we do it like it's 1982?

No, I'm tired.

So sleep, I'll be quiet.

Good night, Bill.

Is that a yes?

No.

All right. We could have been done already.

Can you believe that stupid Christy Duncan?

She seemed nice.

Nice? I build airports.

I build airports.

What's so big about that?

Well, they are airports. I mean, what's bigger than that?

Besides her fat ass.

Maybe I shouldn't let it bother me.

Everything she wants.

I thought you weren't going to let all this reunion stuff get to you.

I know, but if your life is perfect in high school, it's not supposed to be

perfect now.

Judy, forget about Christy.

You're gorgeous, you're smart, you've got a great life.

Well, I haven't exactly lit the world on fire.

Who cares if Christy builds their ports?

You have a great marriage, three wonderful kids, and a beautiful house

paid for the minute I die.

Get some sleep. We got a big day tomorrow.

You know what, Bill? I don't want to go to the pancake breakfast.

I've had enough reunions.

Okay, now you're taking the thing way too seriously.

You've got to go to the breakfast. I've got a title to defend.

I'm just not up for one more conversation with Christy Duncan while

standing there in her designer outfit with her perfect family. And I'm

there with my discount dress and the pancake king.

No offense.

No, I get it.

What if I told you that Christy's life isn't as perfect as you think?

What do you mean?

Well, you can't tell anybody this, but I was in the bathroom. I overheard her

husband on the phone. I think he's having an affair.

Really? Oh, you must have been mistaken. He was talking to a woman and said he

really had to see her if he could get away.

Well, he could have been talking to anyone. He could have been talking to

mother. Well, then he told his mother to wear a sexy blue thong.

Either way, he's got problems.

Wow, our husband's having an affair.

This is so great! I knew it wasn't her time!

Poor stupid Christy, her life's a mess!

Cackle? Yeah.

So you still want to fool around?

I don't know. I've never done it with evil, Judy.

I'll go easy on you.

Please don't.

This is your reunion. I don't know why I have to be... Because, honey, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah.

What? You're staying. Do the words really matter anymore?

So while I'm here, I wonder if I can maybe sneak into the library and do a

little research for my science reform? Keep it down, son. There's people here

that still think I'm cool.

I'm gonna go look for Linda. You keep an eye on Tina.

Fine.

Tina, do something for Daddy.

Take this fork and poke people in the legs till you get me a spot at the front

of the pancake line. Okay.

These plates, really hot.

Very.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey. Hey, guess what?

Christy Duncan's husband is having an affair. Everyone's talking about it.

What?

So what happened last night?

Yeah, a lady doesn't kiss and tell.

Honey, a lady doesn't wear last night's cocktail dress to a pancake breakfast.

things i want in a guy checklist dave had all of them and number seven was

checked three times judy can i talk to you did you tell

anyone what i told you last night about christy duncan no no one well terry

bolder called this morning and asked me if i was bringing the kids and i may

have let it slip but i told her not to tell anyone oh good as long as you only

told big mouth bolder now everyone's talking about it well i didn't think

say anything this is Terrible.

Then again, maybe it's just as well. You know, if that jerk is cheating on her,

she's better off knowing about it. She might not be better off. Why not, Bill?

Her husband's having an affair, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No.

What? I made it up. I can't believe you. I didn't know what else to do. You were

feeling bad.

I feel bad a lot.

I lie a lot.

I can't believe you did this. I had to. You were talking about...

You lied about a woman's husband cheating on her just so you could get

I didn't just want pancakes.

I also wanted... Bill, you have to find who's ever talking about this and tell

them it's not true, and I have to go apologize to Christy. Why? She probably

hasn't even heard the rumor.

It doesn't matter. It's still out there. We have to make this right. All right,

I'll do it, but I'm burning calories I haven't even eaten yet.

You know what?

Later, let's go back to your place. We'll light a fire, pour some wine, put

some Beatles. Oh, that sounds great.

Except something other than the Beatles. I don't like them.

Well, whatever.

It'll just be you and me and number seven.

What? Nothing.

So Christy Duncan's husband isn't having an affair.

Guy, think about it. Christy's a beautiful, intelligent woman. What's

likely? Her husband's actually cheating on her or somebody at the reunion made

up the rumor because they were jealous?

Is that what you think happened?

Of course. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure that out.

I am a brain surgeon.

Really? Let me ask you a medical question. When you chug a milkshake, how

you get that pain in your head?

Let me ask you a medical question. Why are you chugging milkshakes?

So what makes you so sure that someone started the rumor? I know Christy's

husband. She doesn't have to worry about him with other women. He's just not the

type. Oh, I get what you're saying. Good, then pass it around.

steps up to the plate.

Hey, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter.

Yo, Miller, you got some catching up to do, 19 and counting.

Make it an even 20.

Hey, guess what?

Just overheard someone say Christy Dunn gay.

Hey, Christy. Hi, Judy.

So I guess you've heard the rumor that's floating around.

Yes, I have, and I know it's not true. Well, of course you know it's not true.

You probably know that better than anyone else here.

What? Why do you say that?

Because you know how petty people can be when they think someone's life is

better than theirs. They're always trying to drag people like us down.

Yeah, well, sometimes people... People like us?

Yeah, you know, the people who have it all together.

Yeah. So you think I have it all together?

Of course. Your life is great.

I mean, you've been with Bill forever, and you're obviously so happy together.

You look even better than you did in high school, and you've got three kids

adore.

Are your kids here? Yeah, they're somewhere.

So what else do you want to know about me?

No.

There's just one thing.

You know when you said you didn't like the Beatles?

Did you mean you just don't like them or, you know, they're not your favorite?

No, I just don't like them.

Because you know they had, like, a hundred hits.

Christy Cousin, not gay. Pack it on.

Plus, your skin looks so great. Do you use something special on it?

Well, I've had a lot of baby food thrown at my face.

You look great.

Your life is great. I'm so happy for you.

Christy, I am so flattered that you think my life is so great, but you know

what? I know who started the rumor, and I feel really bad about it. Of course

you feel bad about it. You're a good person.

Not like the jealous, petty loser who started the rumor.

Who was it?

B .O. Burp.

Oh, yeah, I like that.

That's Billy freaking Joel!

Wait a minute.

Now I remember why we broke up.

You do?

Yeah, we were at that burger joint, and I ordered my burger plain, you know,

because that's the way I like it. But you wouldn't let it go. For the next two

days, you grilled me about condiments.

Well, I mean, come on, dry meat and bread, who eats that?

I do.

Oh, come on, give me a break.

I mean, tell me there's more condiments you'll catch.

You're crazy.

I gotta go.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, yeah. You hate a hundred songs the world loves,

I'm crazy.

Yeah, so am I, psycho.

Hey, you.

Well, I stopped the affair, rumor.

Oh, it doesn't matter. I hear he's gay anyway.

What's with you?

Nothing. I feel great.

You do?

Yeah, Chris. Duncan just spent a half hour telling me how great my life is.

What did she say? Well, she thinks I have a wonderful marriage and terrific

kids, and she went on and on about my skin.

Now, let me get this straight. When Christy Duncan says the exact same thing

told you last night, you feel all better.

What's your problem?

The problem is when I say it, it should mean something.

Oh, please. You just said those things to shut me up. No, I didn't. I said them

because they're true.

Look around, Judy.

I had a shot with every woman in this room.

In my mind.

But I chose you.

I still get a chill when I remember our first time.

The way you looked into my eyes and said those three magical words.

What the hell?

Do you really mean all that?

Of course I do.

Do you mean it, mean it, or just I want pancakes, mean it?

Why can't it be both?

Man, that reunion sucked.

I actually ended up having a pretty good time.

Oh, sure, you feel better about your life.

By the time I got to the front of the line, there were no more pancakes.

Hey, Bill, will you get me my keys out of my purse?

Why do I have to do... Just do it.

Oh, pancakes.

And they're... still warm.

I love you.

Are you talking to me or the pancakes?

Why can't it be both?

I wouldn't have it any other way cause you make me