Original subtitles

Where's Mom?

Well, she's either working late again or she's finally come to her senses.

In which case, she's probably halfway to the Wisconsin border.

What's for dinner?

Don't say dinner. Mom's not here.

Ah, did somebody say dinner?

Oh, no. Then gather round the table, kids. It's time for another exciting

of Mystery Camp.

Of course you do, Tina, because it's America's favorite unknown contents

game. One lucky winner will be going home with a can of SpaghettiOs, while

another healthier child will be getting beefs.

Dad, wouldn't it take less time to just cook dinner?

But then we wouldn't have our favorite dinner guest, Lady Luck.

Watch the cans go round and round. When one stops in front of you, try and keep

it down.

Mom, thank God you're home. Dad's making us play mystery camp.

Girl, you knew I was working late. Why didn't you heat up the leftover

The kids won't want that.

Why not?

Because it's in my stomach.

Okay, kids, go into the living room and you can order a pizza.

That figures. The one time I finally get SpaghettiOs.

I'm happy to be home with my family. I'm so sick of being nice to people.

And we're happy to have you, sunshine.

Yeah, yeah, rub my back, sweet cheeks.

You know, you've been working overtime for two weeks now. When's it going to

stop? I don't know. As soon as Dr. Gerber finds a replacement for Colleen.

Well, you can just relax and let your man take care of you.

Billet on hooks in the front.

This rub is for me, not for you.

Judy, they've been cooped up all day. Don't you think they deserve a little

too?

Just the shoulders for now.

Honey, when he asks you to work overtime, why don't you just say no?

Because he's my boss, and when I'm at work, I have to be nice little office

Judy. Yes, Dr. Gerber. Whatever you say, Dr. Gerber. I'll get right on it, Dr.

Gerber. Can I be Dr. Gerber?

Right in here.

No need to be nervous, Mr. Conway. Everything's going to be okay.

I just have a thing about Dennis.

Yeah, we all do.

Now, you're not going to bite me, are you? No.

Then I won't bite you.

Why would you bite me?

Just a little joke.

Judy, we need more paper towels.

Oh, and it's time to reorder drill bits. They're getting a little dull.

I'll get right on it, Doctor.

Judy, would you mind staying late again tonight?

Sure thing.

God, could it get any worse?

What is it? What's wrong with my teeth?

What?

Oh, no, I wasn't talking about your teeth. Your teeth are...

Well, we'll let the doctor talk to you about that.

I was talking about my job. I've been working so many hours, I can't even see

straight.

Is there another dental assistant that could help me?

Yeah, I wish. I'm all by myself here. My husband thinks I should stand up to

him. Maybe he's right.

Maybe I should give Dr. Gerber a piece of my mind. Who cares if it makes him

mad? I do.

No, you know what? I've got to do it, and now or never.

All right, Mr.

Conway, this shouldn't be too bad.

Is it going to hurt?

Of course it's going to hurt. That's why we give you gas.

Doctor, there's been something that's bothering me lately. Not now.

Don't worry, Mr. Conway. You're in good hands.

What's been bothering you, Judy? Well, it's been a month since Colleen's last,

and it's been a little crazy around here lately.

Yeah, just a second.

All right, just breathe normally, Mr. Conway.

I know it's been a difficult time for you, but I've got to tell you, it's been

rough time in my life.

As you know, I was seeing Colleen outside of my marriage. Doctor, do you

you should be talking about such personal matters in front of the

It's all right. I gave him the gas.

Next day, I can hear everything.

Oh, I can't do anything right.

Go back next week if you think it would be better for me to do this.

All right, he's out.

Judy, I don't know what to do. My life is falling apart, and it's all my fault.

Beverly found out about Colleen. She kicked me out.

I'm living in this depressing studio apartment. I'm sleeping on an air

and they don't allow pets.

The only one who loves me is my dog.

How'd I keep him in a kennel?

I'm so sorry, Dr.

Gerber. I had no idea. If there's anything I could do... Well, now that

mention it... Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell is that?

My attempt to say no to my boss.

Meet Schnitzel. He's going to be staying with us for a while.

What? You know how I feel about dogs.

They make a mess, they slobber, they're always begging for food. Who wants to

live with that?

Yeah, Bill, who?

Dr. Gerber's wife threw him out, and he needs someone to take care of the dog

while he finds a permanent place to live.

Oh, this is good, Judy.

Because I was just saying to the kids, gosh, I hope Mom brings home something

that could kill me in my sleep.

Oh, you're afraid of a little pook -a -daddy dog.

God, we're getting a pool?

No, look.

A dog?

But we wanted a pool.

I can't have my friends over for a dog party.

Yeah, you could.

It's my boss's dog, and he's going to be staying with us for a while.

What's his name?

Schnitzel. Schnitzel? Yeah, it's a German name.

Dr. Gerber spent a lot of money to train his dog to understand commands in

German. Why German?

Well, because German is such a guttural language, the dogs are more likely to

respond to your commands.

So, German, huh?

Schnitzel. Fetching me bratwurst und Bierenstein.

Some training. He's just staring at me.

Like you're an idiot?

Here are the list of commands that he understands.

Sit means sit. Out means let's go.

Gib Fuß means shake hand. How are we supposed to remember all that?

Sit.

Wow. Gib Fuß.

Schnitzel, out.

Go away.

Scram, strudel, that sauerkraut, whatever that name is.

Hey, hey, if you kill me, they'll know you did it.

Oh, wait, you want liverwurst.

Can't get anybody in this family to eat liverwurst.

Pretty good, huh?

No more.

You're not allowed to have people food.

All right, one more.

There you go.

All right, one more.

Wow. Judy never kisses me after a tube of liverwurst.

Oh, my God, that's disgusting.

That poor dog.

You might have a brother, you want me to ask?

Mr. Schnitzel, huh? You didn't tell me about him.

You're not supposed to be on the couch, are you, boy? No.

Don't worry, Linda. It's just that he has sensitive hearing, and your

clock's deafening him.

Hey, Linda.

doing on the couch? Dr.

Gerber's gonna kill me. Get him down from there and start speaking German.

Okay. All right, boy. Off and decouching. Off and decouching. Can I

Bill? Off and de -assing.

Off and de -assing.

All right, Linda and I are gonna run some errands and then I have to go to

for the rest of the afternoon.

On a Saturday?

Now, Judy, this is becoming a real problem.

The fact that you can't say no to your boss is affecting our relationship and

who we are as a couple. Don't worry, Bill. I'll be back in time to make

All right. Have fun.

Make sure that while I'm gone, you take Schnitzel to the park, run him around a

bit, and make sure he does his business.

Fine. But you've got to do the same with Linda.

Beach volleyball.

Good choice.

I get to watch the girls in bikinis, you get to watch the ball go back and

forth.

Dr.

Gerber. Hey, Bill, I hope you don't mind. I decided to come by in my lunch

grab a little schnitzel time.

Oh, uh, schnitzel's having a little down time right now.

He's been feeling a little down lately.

Down.

Schnitzel, what are you doing on the couch?

Schnitzel plots.

Plots, Schnitzel plots.

Bill, why won't he plots?

Oh, he's been plotting all day. The yard's full of plots.

Schnitzel.

Bill, is there crumbs on his muzzle?

Oh, Bill, what's going on? Didn't Judy give you the rules?

To tell you the truth, I'm not going to lie to you.

In all honesty, the kids did it.

Oh, Bill, it took me weeks to get him back to the way he was.

Yeah, but look at him. He's okay. He's happy.

Schnitzel?

Gibfuss?

Schnitzel?

Schnitzel?

Oh, it's nice to see him so relaxed.

Really? Yeah.

Yeah, he was this way when we got him.

My wife is the one who broke his spirit.

She's good at that.

Sounds like you could use a little vacation time, too. Have a Frito. Oh,

I haven't had a Frito in years.

I used to love them, but Beverly didn't allow snacks.

Or beer.

Or fun.

Well, as you can tell from our stains, that's all we allow here.

Oh, man, what a day. I can't believe I agreed to work on a Saturday and Dr.

Gerber didn't even show up. I spent the entire afternoon rescheduling patients.

God knows what happened to him.

Hey, Bill, I think I got the chocolate out of my hand.

Hiya, Judy.

Dr. Gerber, what are you doing here in Bill's robe?

Oh, I was teaching Bill how to make a souffle, but it kind of got away from

My fault. That mixer should have a kill switch.

What are you doing making this souffle in my house?

The more important question is, where do you get your shampoo?

Honestly, my head smells like a giant peach.

Go ahead, smell it. Go ahead. Give it away. Give it away.

Yes, Dr. Gerber.

Well, this week has been fantastic.

The hockey, the snacks.

How'd they get the cheese in these little pretzels?

They're used like a cheese gun.

You know, I've been eating too many of these anyway.

Don't we have sandwiches coming?

Judy! What?

I love you.

Why don't you ask about the sandwiches?

Judy!

What's the ETA on the BLTs?

Coming right up, Dr. Gerber.

That's so bad!

Guilty. Kiss my ass, yes, O .B.

I love that damn dog so much he won't mind eating the bread he licked right

after he licked his own sandwiches.

Ah, these look terrific. My mouth is watering.

You're not the only one.

That must be my laundry.

Thanks for letting me do my wash here. I'm running low on underpants.

Okay, my boss just said underpants.

Because his are spinning around in our dryer, where my underpants spin.

Judy, I think we all need to calm down and finish my sandwich.

I can't take it anymore.

It's bad enough that I have to work with him all day, and then he drops his dog

off here, and now he's here practically every night.

You've been complaining about your boss for years, but I think he's a good guy.

He's going through a hard time right now.

You only want to keep him around because I have to be nice to him, and I end up

waiting on you two hand and foot.

All right, maybe you are a little nicer when he's around, but is it wrong of me

to take advantage of that?

Bill, talk to him. Get him out of our house. I don't see what the big deal is.

Fox, little problem here.

It seems some of my underpants got mixed in with some of yours.

Bill, you were me.

I don't know what the hell a never -ending onion is, but I'm getting one.

I got a toaster.

To a great night with a great friend who's shown me a great time. Well,

great guy.

You're spending way too much time in our house.

Sorry? Have I been a burden? No, no, no. It's just that you have a really good

opportunity here.

You're a free man for the first time in your life, and he's just wasting it at

our house.

Huh.

You may have a point.

Maybe it is time I spread my wings. You're absolutely right. You can do

you want.

There is something I've always wanted to do.

That's a little crazy. No, no, no. Do it. Fly high, free bird.

Follow your dreams. Do what makes you happy.

I want to close my dental practice.

What? No, no, no.

Why not?

You're right.

No, I'm not. I'm an idiot. Ask anybody.

You know what I've always wanted to do?

I want to open a restaurant like this one, with a great bar.

I want to hand somebody a cup of something and not have them spit it out.

Think of the people that work for you. No, no, you're right.

It's time I started thinking about myself, and don't you think I'm not

Bill, when I open my restaurant, you are going to drink for free. Nathan, there

are bigger issues than for free.

That's right.

Of course, there's going to have to be a limit.

Nathan, you've really got to rethink this.

I helped you change your life, and you're going to limit how much I can

Wow.

More tea, Mrs.

Schnitzel?

Why, thank you. I'll have some pills.

Excuse me. Lauren, have you seen my math book?

Very funny, Brian.

Oh, my God, Lauren, if you hear that, the dog can talk.

You know what else the dog can do?

Use your toothbrush.

Oh, Mom, Lauren used my toothbrush on the dog.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just finished folding my boss's underpants. Get over

Thank God you're alone. How did it go? Did you get him off our couch?

Yep. He won't have time to spend on our couch anymore.

Really? That's great.

And here's some more exciting news.

There's going to be a new restaurant where we can drink for free.

Oh!

Really? What restaurant?

Dr. Gerber's.

which he's going to open as soon as he closes his dental practice.

What did you do?

I don't know. I was telling him not to hang out at our house so much, and that

turned into him closing his practice. But it wasn't my fault, I swear.

And remember that when he thanks me for giving him the courage to fulfill his

dreams. What am I supposed to do for a job now? Judy, you can't just blame me

for this.

If you would have just stood up to him in the first place, we wouldn't have

in this mess.

Damn it, Bill.

I'm sorry.

No, I mean, damn it, you're right.

Aha! I knew it. I'm right.

Wait a minute. What are you trying to pull?

No, no, no. I am right.

Right?

Mr.

Conway, I have to apologize for your last visit.

I haven't been very focused lately.

You see, I've... I've lost my passion for dentistry.

But not today. You'll be fine.

Oh, okay.

We're just going to replace this temporary crown, and you'll be out of

no time. Great.

Okay, Dr. Gerber, we have to talk right now. Oh, not again.

Judy, can't this wait? No, it's very important, and I'm sorry if it upsets

but I have to say what I have to say.

You know what?

Nice to meet you both, but I've decided I don't need a crown.

I'm going to live with a bad tooth. I'll just chew on the right.

And with that, so ends my dental career.

All right, Judy, what is it?

Bill told me about you closing down the practice and opening up the restaurant.

Yeah. Isn't it a great idea?

Do you have any idea what it takes to run a successful restaurant? You could

lose a lot of money.

No.

No bad ideas lose money. Mine is a great idea.

Oh, no, Judy, Judy, I feel very passionate about this.

Well, I guess if you're passionate about it. Oh, yeah, it's a brilliant idea.

You know how some restaurants you go in, you pick out your own lobster?

Well, my restaurant is the same idea, except with duck.

Okay, that is it. You are out of your mind.

First, you have an affair with the office slut.

Then you leave your wife and you dump your dog at my house. And now you're

passionate about the idea that Chicago needs a restaurant where you can get

dressed up and go kill a duck?

Well, they wouldn't be killing it themselves, Judy.

Are you even hearing yourself?

You're in the middle of a huge midlife crisis, and there's no reason to drag me

or poor little ducks into it.

Now get on the phone, call your wife, beg her forgiveness, and stop talking

about closing down the office. But what if it doesn't make me happy?

Then buy a sports car and grow a ponytail like every other dentist your

What kind of sports car?

But if you're going to grow the ponytail, I'd go with the convertible.

Maybe you're right.

You know, I hate to admit it, but I really do miss Beverly.

And I bet she misses you, too.

You think so? Yeah.

Thank you, Judy.

And you know what? I'm glad this happened.

Because now I don't think of you as just an employee. I think of you as a

friend. That's very sweet. You're a good friend, too.

And I'm so sorry I've been so crazy lately. It's just, it's so overwhelming

the separation and the move.

And my mother hurt her back.

Oh, that's terrible.

Yeah, she slipped a disc and she lives alone.

That's the last thing you need. Well, if there's anything I can do...

Bill, Evelyn Gerber.

Evelyn Gerber, Bill.

Hold your horses. I'm going as fast as I can.

Boy, you really can't get enough of this liverwurst, can you?

There you go.

I wouldn't have it any other way Cause you make me