Original subtitles

Morning, honey. Morning.

Thought we were out of cereal.

We are. These are free samples we got in the mail.

We got three free samples?

We and two of our neighbors did, yes.

Oh, the mail came.

I'm supposed to get my report card, and I want to see what my class rank is.

The whole school already knows your rank, Major Luther.

Sorry, Brian. No report card.

Uh -oh. To the parents of Lorne Miller. Looks like it's from your school.

Oh, I'll take that. Uh -uh -uh. Is there anything you want to tell us before we

open this, Lorne? I love you.

Oh, it's not your report card.

Ha! You wasted it. I love you.

Invitation to your clarinet recital. This is great. You've worked really hard

learning an instrument, and we are very proud of you. Well, you shouldn't be. I

hate it. Ah, you wasted it. We're proud of you.

I'm not good at the clarinet, and I see no reason to humiliate myself at a

recital. Not when there's plenty of spelling bees and science fairs to do it

you.

In your case, school dances.

Hey, everyone.

Hey, Carl. What's up? I got three words for you.

Weezer's back in...

Four words, town.

Five -six this weekend.

Weezer's back, yes.

Who's Weezer? Oh, your father's crazy friend that he's known since high

Who at the all -city track meet ran the hurdles wearing nothing but a headband.

And he won the race by that much.

Whenever your father and Weezer would get together, they would act like total

jackasses. That's right, kids, total jackasses.

Get this.

He wants us to meet his wife.

Wow, who snagged the wheeze? Well, the bigger question is, who'd want to marry

him? He didn't win the race by that much.

This is going to be great. We can go to Big Al's, and later the boys can go rip

up the town while the ladies go home and get the bail money ready.

Oh, yeah.

I'll be going with the guys, right?

You know, kids, your old man may be a very cool guy, but newsflash.

Killer Miller wasn't born this way. The wheeze taught me everything I know.

Oh, here comes the old folks talking about how they used to be cool.

Well, sons, play what you want. At least we weren't doing this.

Weezer's going to be so psyched to be back at Big Al's. Man, this place takes

back. Me too.

Remember we brought our dates here after senior prom?

You were here with Judy, I was here with Jenny.

How is Jenny? Great. She just had a baby.

I'm an uncle.

You know, Bill, I think this is our old booth.

Really? Yeah, look, you can still see where you carved Judy. It is excellente.

Oh, man, remember I always used to say excellente? I should bring that back.

Excellente.

Excellente.

Oh, my God, I went to the prom with my sister.

Well, I know what I'm getting.

Two Italian beefs with hot pepper, some onion rings. Oh, maybe some chili.

Oh, I know what I'm getting. The side of the bed by the window.

Hey, guys.

How's it going?

Pretty good. Who are you?

It's me, Wesley.

Oh, sorry.

Wheeler.

Oh, my God. You're skinny and clean and sober.

And you're not a stripper.

Actually, Carl, this is my wife.

Oh.

You must be Mrs.

Weezer, the Weezer.

It's Sarah, Dr.

Sarah Cunningham.

It's nice to meet you. Oh, it's nice to meet you, too. What brings you two to

Chicago? Oh, well, Sarah's here for a psychology conference. Thought I'd just

tag along.

I'm presenting a paper on left brain, right brain cognitive theory to the

American Psychological Association.

Excelente.

So then we bicycled all over Provence for our honeymoon.

Have you ever been to France?

No, but I have seen ladies' underpants.

I'd love to go to France.

So, Wheeze, did you ever fulfill your high school dream of being naked in

county in Illinois?

Well, since I've become a teacher, I've had to cut down on my public nudity.

That's a shame.

Oh, that's my beeper.

Excuse me, I have to go return the call.

Oh, I'll go with you. I'll call home and check on you soon. Are you a kid?

Well, we did when we left the house. Keep your fingers crossed.

Isn't Sarah great?

Yeah, she's fine. So, what do you say, after this, we ditch the chicks and

till we stink?

How did you not become a songwriter?

No, no, Sarah's got a big day tomorrow. She'll probably just go back to the

hotel. All right, all right. What's going on here?

What are you talking about? Where's Weezer, the fun guy? The guy that taught

everything I know.

Blacked out, woke up, woke me up, and taught me everything I know again.

That's a long time ago, Bill.

We all change when we get married. I mean, you've changed. I have not

Oh, yeah? Didn't you used to have a mustache when you were single?

Yeah, whatever happened to that, Bill? You used to get us free drinks because

you looked just like Ditka.

I decided to shave it for my wedding day.

Funny. I remember Judy telling you to get rid of it. She cast her vote, yeah,

but then I did what I was already intending to do because nobody tells

Miller what to do.

Come on.

Judy tells you what to eat, when to go to bed, and when to get up in the

morning. That's a load of crap.

Bill, quit eating those onion rings. You'll never get to sleep, and you've

to get up early tomorrow.

You know, I wasn't really looking forward to going out with Sweeter, but

wasn't that bad.

It's nice to see that he's grown up, made something of himself. Yeah, he made

something of me, too.

Bored.

The guy got married. That's all.

Yeah, to Dr. Sarah.

She opened his head, took out all the Weezer, and left the guy who ordered the

Caesar salad dressing on the side.

People change, Bill. They settle down.

It wasn't supposed to happen to Weezer. He was the one person who could make me

feel like it was still 1985.

Oh, big deal. So you didn't get to go out and drink all night long. You would

have fallen asleep anyway. No, I wouldn't have, because I'm still Killer

Yeah, besides, I took a nap this afternoon like you told me to, so... Oh,

God, I took a nap like you told me to.

So what? So the guys were right. You have changed me, just like Sarah changed

Weezer. You took Killer Miller and changed him into the picture -perfect

that stands before you today.

Bill, your fly is down and you got some chili in your hair.

Oh, I suppose you want me to zip up and wash up.

Well, Bill, maybe you did change, but don't blame me. I mean, if you're going

be a responsible parent, you can't go out drinking all night like we used to.

I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the things that I didn't have to

change. Like my mustache and my man fork. You know, the room with all my

in it that you made me give up. Because we needed a bedroom for our children,

who we love.

Yeah, we love them.

Look, Bill, I know you think Weezer's wife changed him, but I am not one of

those wives who wants to change her husband. Oh, no, it doesn't seem like

but you work slowly, like the waves of the ocean.

Each year, there's less and less Bill on the beach.

Then why does it take more and more suntan lotion?

Isn't this fun?

Me and my son hanging out, getting out the stereo.

Jam into some old tunes.

Let me guess. You couldn't remember how to put this stereo together.

No, but there's a lot of the 80s I don't remember, Brian.

So why are you setting all this stuff up down here?

I'm bringing back my man fort.

What's a man fort?

It's a place where a man can fortify his manhood in a fort -like environment.

When you're young, your life is nothing but fun. You know what I mean?

Yeah, actually. You know, last week in Mad Club... Let me put it another way.

When I was young, my life was fun.

And I don't know what happened to your mother, but now I'm bringing the fun

back.

What could be more fun than listening to old, scratchy music in a room that

smells like old, wet clothes?

Oh, yeah, I'm still airing out the old jams.

You're not careful. One day you'll wake up and everything's routine. Your whole

life's predictable.

There's no spontaneity.

You look in the mirror and you're a different guy.

So your thing changes back?

Absolutely, Brian. It's a scientific fact.

The science teaches us that change is good. If we never grew and evolved, we

wouldn't be walking upright.

So great about upright.

There you are. What are you guys doing?

Leaving. See ya.

I see you resurrected the old man fort. You bet I did.

Oh, Bill, cigars?

You said you weren't one of those wives.

No, I'm not. I think it's great. Not great, Judy.

Excellente.

Killer Miller is back.

Yeah? How many cartoon tigers did you have to kill to make those pants?

You used to think they were cool.

Yeah, they were cool when they were under a blacklight and I was stoned.

Oh, I almost forgot my blacklight.

Need help there, Killer?

Jeez, is the furnace broken again?

Oh, Lauren, you're practicing.

Getting good. Isn't she getting good, Linda? Yeah, really good.

She's not very good. Yeah, she's tough.

Brian, I can't believe you're studying with all that noise going on out there.

Brian? Oh.

Oh, my God. She's still playing?

All right, Mom, I will pay for the rest of her lessons if you just let her quit.

Oh, yeah? Where are you going to get that kind of money? I'm sure the

will pitch in.

Great dad's blasting another power ballad from the 80s.

Yeah, the 80s. There's a decade I'd like to forget. That and the 90s.

Well, wish me luck.

Going in.

Journey's wife tells him to turn it down.

Okay, first of all, Journey's a group.

They could all still have the same wife, though.

Sorry, Judy.

I'll never turn it down. Because I still rock.

When is he going to get off this whole kick of how I changed him?

You did change him. Of course I changed him.

You think I would have put up with 16 years of Spicoli down there?

Well, why don't you just tell him if it's driving you crazy?

Because if I admit that I changed him, then I won't be able to change him

And quite frankly, I'm not done.

Well, it's not like he didn't change you.

What are you talking about? He didn't change me.

Remember you used to have that blonde stripe down your hair? He made you

that.

Yeah, my skunk hair. I look good in my skunk hair.

It'll help you attract the biggest one in the forest.

I'm just saying you've made compromises, too. You know what? You are right.

Oh.

Man, she's playing again, and I can't find my Walkman. And you never will.

All right, Tina, don't tell me where my Walkman is. I'm tearing the head off

your Susie doll.

Sorry, Susie.

It's stimulating the follicles.

You know, I'm feeling pretty good about the old bills.

How are those cigars treating you? Like a breath of fresh air.

I was thinking, you're having so much fun going back to all the things you

to do, and I realized that I gave up some things, too. Hey, I didn't make

Well, then I guess you wouldn't mind if I went back to doing some of the things

I used to do. Of course not. I'm not about to tell you what you can and can't

do. Oh, great.

An old friend is stopping by.

An old friend?

Yeah, someone I lost touch with.

Maybe you remember her, Sandy?

You all right there, Smokey Joe?

You didn't.

Yeah, I can't remember why I lost touch with her. Oh, wait, it's because you

didn't want me hanging out with her anymore. But that's all in the past,

you don't want to tell me what I can and can't do.

Oh, please tell me that obnoxious, horrible Sandy Hartwick is not on the

side of that door.

Yo, Jude, it's Sandy!

Just kidding. How you doing, Judy?

Oh, Sandy, you look great.

You look like you had three kids.

Whoa, you look like you're expecting the fourth.

Nice pants, Shazam.

Hello, Sandy.

Hey, you guys are not going to believe this. On the way over here, someone cut

me off in traffic and gave me a finger. Just sworn it was that crazy old...

Oh, goody, I forgot that nickname.

Hey, stick around, pimples.

Lady's night out.

So why are you going?

Because you can't make it.

Judy, Judy, can I talk to you for a second?

Please don't leave me alone with her.

Sorry, pimples.

All right, what's going on? Nothing, I'm just hanging out with an old friend, a

friend I used to have fun with before you changed me. Fun? This woman has

been good for you. She's a bad influence.

Well, Bill, you never took the time to get to know her. She's actually a very

sweet woman.

Yo, Jude, sick of hanging out with your boring -ass sister.

It's only been ten seconds and I can hear you.

So we going out drinking or what?

I am there. Tonight is going to be excellente.

Couple of jello shots.

I should give you a new nickname.

gone bar hopping the night before your daughter's big recital. If you don't

up, I'll burp on you.

I held your hair.

Oh, my God, Joe.

Dad, maybe you should give up cigars. No, no.

I'm just starting to like them.

If everyone will please take a seat, we'll start our recital momentarily.

I told you you shouldn't have gone out with Sandy last night. I don't know what

you're trying to prove.

Welcome to our spring recital.

Your children have worked very hard, so get ready to enjoy some beautiful music.

We'll begin with my newest student, Lauren Miller, playing minuet in G.

Well, it wasn't a bad recital, Lauren. You should be very proud.

Of what? I stunk.

Oh, Lauren, just because your performance wasn't perfect, it's

trying.

I'm quitting the clarinet.

That's probably for the best.

Okay, Bill, you know what? My head is pounding and my teeth feel like they're

covered in moss.

I give up.

You can do whatever you want, but I'm going back to the person who I was

yesterday. All right, Judy, I'll give up the cigars if you want me to.

I'm not asking you to give up cigars.

Just say it, and I'll stop doing something that means a lot to me.

Please?

Oh, Bill, stop smoking those cigars. Or you'll leave me?

Yeah, I'll leave you.

All right, if you insist, I'll shave off the mustache, too, but damn it, woman,

I'm keeping my tiger pants.

I'm going to go with skank.

But, Jude, you're vertical.

Ready for a little hair of the dog?

Look, Sandy, the parts of last night that I remember were fun, but I'm going

take a pass for tonight and forever.

Oh, man, it's blows. I don't know what happened to you.

It used to be fun.

Guess those days are over.

Hey, hey, let me tell you something.

My wife may have gotten older, but maybe there are a few more wrinkles.

And some things may have migrated, Sam.

All right, get to it.

What I'm trying to say is even after all these years, she is still the wild,

troublemaking, hard -drinking piece of ass I fell in love with.

Aw, sweetie.

Well, you're my lady, and that's how I feel.

Oh, love to stick around.

This love fest is bringing up my fajitas.

I'll catch you later, buzzkill.

So, Judy, you know what the best cure is for a hangover?

Oh, don't tell me Killer Miller wants to have one last fling on the old beanbag.

Ah, don't be so hard on yourself.

You've still got a good couple of years in you.

Oh, you reek of cigars. You stink of Jägermeister. See you in a couple of

Yeah, I'm thinking tomorrow.