Original subtitles

to watch my tiny fourth video again.

Again? We don't have to put the tape in, Tina. Just listen to Daddy's head,

because it's always playing in here.

I don't hear anything.

Try his tummy. There's like a whole marching band going on in there.

Yeah, the corned beef section's tuning up right now.

I think I'll watch my video instead.

And there it is, the music that goes in your ears and up your spine.

It lives in your head till the day you die.

But,

sweetie, we're watching your video.

Please, please, please, please.

You should never have taught her, please.

Okay, fine.

Can I have the purple?

No, I'm using it.

Well, you're going outside the lines.

I'm not going outside the lines.

Now you are. Stop!

Let go of my hand. Stop! Let go of my hand. You first.

No, you.

Okay, on the count of three.

One, two, three.

Let go of your big baby. You're the big baby.

What kind of example are we setting for Tina?

Where's Tina?

This always happens. She leaves and we end up coloring her coloring books and

watching her videos. She has the attention span of a gnat. Oh, look,

squirrel's dancing.

Oh. Ha, that's a purple.

Hey,

Mom, what are you doing here? Hey, I had to run some errands, so I thought I'd

come by so you didn't have to take the bus.

Thanks, Mom.

Hey, since you're here, could you take me and Tiffany to the mall, drop us off

for a couple hours, and then maybe take us to McDonald's?

Or I could take you to the mall and spank you in front of all your friends.

I'm going to go get my stuff.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Miller.

Hey, Mrs.

Cutler, you look really good for someone who spends the whole day in a room full

of eighth graders.

I have a good cry at lunch.

So how's Lauren doing in science?

She's getting by.

Hey, how's Brian?

Now, he was a great science student.

He's fine.

But you never know, Lauren could surprise you.

Yeah.

They don't usually, but who knows?

That's right. Who knows? You know what they say. Sometimes lightning strikes

twice.

That's actually not what they say.

Brian can explain it to you.

So, you ready?

Wait. Show me around your class.

Why? Because I'm interested in what you do in class.

Okay.

This is where I sit. That's the clock that I watch. And that's the magic door

that sets me free. Now, come on. I'll show you.

What is this?

Looks like fun. What's all this stuff over here?

Our class project.

Wow, an alternate energy source wind generator?

Yeah, that's Doug Kramer's. Funny how he can build one of those, but he can't

get his belt through all the loops.

Where's your project?

Oh, it's stupid.

Come on, let's go. No, I want to see it.

Okay.

And a moldy sandwich?

Yeah, who knew I'd find a science project in the bottom of my locker?

Come on, Lorne. These other kids really put an effort into their project. It

doesn't seem like you even tried.

Those kids got their parents to help them. You know I am always here to help

you. Mom, you didn't even help me make this sandwich.

Look, we don't ask a lot, but we do ask that you try your best.

What's the point? The teacher pretty much told me I'll never be as good as

Brian. Brian was in my honors class.

Brian got all As.

Brian's gonna be a millionaire.

Oh, Lauren, she just... Really? She said that?

I mean, she was probably just trying to motivate you.

You know what? We are gonna go home, and I'm gonna help you come up with a

project that's really gonna impress Mrs. Cutler.

All right, sure.

When she said millionaire, did she mean soon?

another website that had more detailed instructions on how to build the tornado

simulator according to this what are you doing oh i'm working on a sign i

thought i'd make it all glittery and then i thought i could put some paint

around the edges and maybe add some more sparkly stickers well that would be

great if the tornado were going through vegas let's get back to the project and

we'll do the sign later as a reward did i finish the project you did good You

see, with a little motivation, you can achieve anything.

Doesn't it feel good? What the heck happened here?

It's my tornado simulator.

Was a tornado coming through when you made it?

Looks pretty good to me.

Well, it is good, but it could be great. Come on, let's show Mrs. Cutler what

Lauren Miller can do.

This is what Lauren Miller can do.

Well, this is a good start. We need to fix it up a little bit. We'll take some

glue and some tape.

Or we could take it apart and redo it.

But that would be like starting over.

Good idea.

Yes.

Hey, honey, how you doing?

Terrible. I just bowled the worst game of my life.

Uh -huh.

I come home from a hard night bowling and drinking with my friends, and you

don't even pretend to care.

I'm sorry, sweetie. Did you drink a lot of beer tonight?

Forget it. The moment's passed. What are you doing?

I'm helping Lauren build her tornado simulator.

Why? Well, I picked her up at school today, and her science project was the

crappiest one there.

Well, maybe science isn't her thing.

Well, maybe that's because of us.

Oh, Judy, it's definitely because of us.

We stunk at science. But in our defense, we're very lazy people who tire easily.

Bill, we need to encourage our daughter to do better.

I mean, I think the reason we were lazy is because we never had to help Brian or

motivate him to do his homework.

Yeah, I love that little freak of nature.

The Lawrence teacher's already written her off, and it's our fault. We should

have been helping her all along.

So where is she now? I sent her to bed. She was screwing it all up.

Well, if you really want to help her, why are you just slapping it together

cardboard and tape?

What are you saying, Bill?

Oh, you're trying to make a tornado here.

If someone sneezes on that thing, it's going to fall apart.

I need the double wallet. Here, I'll show you. Where's the level?

I didn't use the level.

You didn't use the level.

It's two in the morning and you guys are still up?

Yep, we're almost done.

Is that my project?

It's awesome.

You did a great job. You should be very proud.

Don't touch it!

She home yet?

No. Well, maybe she stayed late after school because they had a big party for

her because her project was so good.

Yeah, Bill, that happens a lot.

Oh, she's here. Act cool.

I said act cool, not act like your father when he saw Mary Tyler Moore at

airport.

guys it's only you wow usually you just say that with your eyes we helped lauren

a little bit with her science project and she's getting her grade on it today

and we're just a little anxious to see how she did yeah you were always the way

that science judy i remember the project you did in junior high i believe the

title was uh will punching my younger sister result in her doing my science

project for me oh yeah

my grade back on my science project.

How'd you do?

Uh, I mean, uh, how'd you do?

I got an A. You got an A!

You got an A!

Yeah, everybody thought my project was pretty cool. Thanks for all your help.

this Mrs.

Cutler, is she an easy grader or are A's tough to come by?

Did she notice that the corners were mitered?

You know, I don't know. I just kind of got my A and got out of there.

I'm gonna go call Tiffany.

Oh, you should be so proud of yourself, honey.

Thanks, Mom and Dad.

You see that, Bill? You see how good she feels about herself? She knows she can

do it.

We got an A!

Yes!

Yes, baby!

Oh, it's so nice to see you guys have finally taken an interest in junior

Only took you 25 years.

Hey, when you have kids, I'm sure you and donor sample 3256 will feel the same

way we do.

Oh, and one more thing. Mrs. Cutler wants to talk to you guys tomorrow at

school. Sure thing, sweetie.

We'll be there, no problem.

You guys are so busted.

What are you talking about?

Come on, don't you see? Lauren's been turning in moldy bread all semester,

all of a sudden she shows up with a tornado machine.

I think the teacher knows you guys did the project.

Oh, my God, Bill, she's right. We are so busted.

It's too good.

You just had to miter the corners, didn't you?

I wasn't the only one holding that level. You were there, too, and I'll rat

out in a heartbeat.

I think the two of you should just go down there and come clean.

Or you could come up with a plan for us.

Now, why would I come up with... You're gonna punch me, aren't you?

I'm going to tell her that if she doesn't think a 13 -year -old girl could

a project like that, then she's underestimating Lorne's potential, which

demeaning and sexist.

Would you stop playing with that stuff? You don't know what the hell you're

doing. It could be dangerous. They're not going to give a bunch of eighth

graders dangerous bubbling, bubbling, bubbling.

Judy, take it. I'm not touching it. Put it somewhere.

I'm sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. and Mrs. Miller.

I caught two students cheating and had to give them detention.

Ugh, I hate cheaters.

We taught Lauren not to cheat a long time ago.

You know, I'd like to talk to you about Lauren's project.

Lauren did a project? Well, that's what all the hammering and sawing was about.

You never know with these kids and their crazy music these days.

It's just that I've never seen work like this from Lauren before.

Well, when she works hard, who knows what she can accomplish.

Exactly. Which is why I'm thinking of moving her into my honors science class.

Really? Yeah. It's a lot more work, but if she did this, I know she can handle

it. More work, huh?

Well, I'm sure she'll adjust to it.

But just to be sure, I have to ask you one question.

Did you get any outside help on this project?

You mean from us?

No, of course not.

From Brian.

Oh, God, no.

He had nothing to do with it. They can't stand each other.

We've done a very poor job of teaching them to get along.

My wife works. I watch a lot of TV.

Well, in that case, I owe you an apology, Mrs. Miller. I might have sold

a little short. Sometimes kids do surprise you.

Thank you for coming by. Thank you.

Well, we did it.

We helped Lauren in a class that was too hard for her and got her into a class

that is...

Much, much harder.

She's going to love honor science. Oh, she's going to be thrilled.

So we're just going to lie to each other? Till it hits the fan. All right.

Brian, stop it.

Stop it. I'm sorry.

There's nothing funny about your sister being in honor science.

Well, you want me to stop laughing, but you keep saying it.

I'm done.

I can't believe I have to be in a stupid honors class.

Hey, I was in Mrs. Cutler's honors class.

Right. You're the coolest kid ever to wear vulcan ears in their class picture.

Sure, make fun of me, but Cutler's honors science class is hard.

She'll be fine. We'll help her every step of the way. You guys are going to

her with her honors class.

Yes, we are.

While you're in there, you might want to check for a chest hair.

the smartest people in the school, and your sister is going to be in it.

Okay,

both of you upstairs.

Hey, Judy, did you know the temperature of the Earth's core is 4 ,000 degrees

Celsius?

Boy, you could wear a chicken on your back and it'd cook in like a second.

Have you guys seen my textbooks from the library?

Yep, they're right here. We're using them to build a volcano.

But I need them for my report, which I have to finish because I have to get to

the library to meet my lab partner.

Plus, I have all my other homework. How am I going to get all this stuff done?

All right, calm down. There's more pressure in here than the Earth's core,

which, by the way, is 1 .4 billion times the atmospheric pressure.

Oh, my God, I'm learning.

Your father and I will do the volcano and the paper. You go meet your partner

the library.

You mean it? Yes.

Thanks, guys. You're the best.

Judy, Judy, Judy, what are you doing?

What? I thought we agreed to build a stratovolcano.

That's what this is.

No, no, no, no. This isn't a stratovolcano.

This is a shield mountain at best. Did you even read the chapter?

Give me that book.

Fine. You think you could do a better job?

Does a plinian eruption cause massive destruction?

All right, fine. You finish the volcano, I'll do the paper. But you better do a

good job because Lauren's grade depends on it. Fine. Now, how about a little

less blobity -blobity, a little more typity -typity?

Lauren up from school.

Is that a camera?

Yeah, I wanted to get a picture of me with my volcano.

Your volcano? That is so pathetic.

Come on, let's see what I got on my paper.

Mr.

and Mrs. Miller, what are you doing here?

Uh, we came to pick up Lauren.

She has science third period now.

Oh, well, she wanted us to drop by and take a picture of me with her project. I

don't know why.

What did she make again, Judy? A volcano or... Oh, there it is.

Ah, a lot of nice projects here.

Nothing that would wipe out a whole village, but they're cute.

Wait a minute.

She got a C on this project?

What? A C?

Does C stand for congratulations on your A?

No, I'm afraid not.

It seems Lauren turned this into more of an art project. She even has this

action figure running away from the lava.

Oh, oh, I suppose you'd have him running towards the lava.

Well, I'd make it more about how the volcano actually functions.

It functions to scare the crap out of those villagers, I'll tell you.

I think what she's trying to say here, Bill, is that it was the volcano and not

the report that got her to see. Actually, it was a combination of the

I thought the report sort of rambled on without coming to any kind of

conclusion. I can't believe you would...

I'm sure Lauren is still adjusting to working at this level.

But she's gonna have to try a little harder on her next project.

What are we gonna do, Julie?

Well, we're gonna have to try a lot harder. I don't have the time. My work

the store is starting to suffer.

The other day, the guys were going on about some new TV show. I had no idea

they were talking about.

Bill, we gotta help her. We got her into this. If she fails out of this class,

it's gonna be humiliating for her. Well, I guess we're just gonna have to dig

deep and find some way to do this.

Come on, let's go.

So let me get this straight.

You want me to help you help Lauren cheat?

Preferably without her knowing.

Are there any rules in this house anymore?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brush your teeth, don't do drugs. Are you going to help us

not?

Oh, well, well.

Suddenly, Brian's not just a big geek anymore, but the most important person

this house. Brian, don't make us beg.

Or tell all your friends you're afraid of clowns.

I'm not afraid of clowns.

Stop it!

Hey, listen up, because I've got some hot gossip.

Yeah, yeah, your cat's having kittens. You don't know who the father is.

For your information, I'm pretty sure it's a tabby who goes by the name of

Nathaniel Pothorn.

But that is not important. The big news is... Lauren's got a boyfriend. I just

saw her at the mall holding hands with him.

What? But she said she was at the library with her lab partner.

And why would a kid raised in this house think it's okay to lie?

Brian, are you sure it was her?

Yeah, she had that purple coat on that I got her last Christmas.

Unless I just got her in trouble, in which case it wasn't her at all. No, no,

no. Now that I think about it, it was a brown jacket and the girl was a Chinese

boy.

I'm home from the library.

She said lying?

So, how was the library, Lauren?

The library.

Great. Did you guys finish those flashcards for my solar system test?

Ah, yeah, we decided not to do those.

What do you mean? You guys promised you'd help me.

Oh, maybe we'll go with you to the library tomorrow.

We can check out some books, maybe go to the Gap, hold hands with a boy.

And that's the shot I was waiting for.

Brian, upstairs.

Wait, who told Omni? Nobody.

I'm just going to go to the mall right now where I have not been yet today. At

all.

Hey, Lauren, I love you.

You want to explain why you've been lying to us?

Okay, okay, I've been hanging out with my lab partner, David, all week.

Yeah, well, we were on to you from the beginning.

When we were so angry, we tanked that volcano project of yours.

I hope you enjoy the sea we purposely got you.

Lauren, as angry as I am, I must admit some of this is our fault. If it weren't

for us, you wouldn't be in a class that's overwhelming you. I think you

go back to your old class.

But I like this class.

Well, then why aren't you doing your homework?

Because you guys are doing it for me.

Are you sure you're not staying in this class just because of this boy, David?

He's really cute.

Lauren, this shouldn't be about David. This should be about you. You're a

smart woman. You should want to work hard to motivate yourself and achieve

own goal.

This is him.

Damn, he is Jon Bon Jovi pretty. Get up there and study.

That's what I'm saying. Wow.

We did all this stuff to motivate our daughter. All it took was a cute boy.

But she is motivated.

Yeah, if this hadn't been a complete accident, it would really smack of good

parenting.

And they said we weren't fit to bring children into this world.

Where are those people now?

At my parents' house.

Wouldn't happen any other way.

Cause you make me happy.