Original subtitles

So you think you got it bad at work? My boss has been all over me since I

changed my greeting from can I help you to like what you see?

What burns me is they're trying to limit the type of snacks we can have when

we're working the register.

I mean, where I'm from, ribs are a snack. Right.

And all this griping about work is getting me down. Yeah, me too. There are

important things in the world.

Let's gripe about women.

Yeah.

Women.

I don't have one.

Who's next?

You know what I hate? When she wakes me up early on Saturday to wash the car.

You know, there is a solution, Bergner.

Move out of your mom's house, buy your own car.

Then I'd have to find a job, and you know I got carpal tunnel.

I got one for you. Last Saturday, I'm on the couch. Judy starts with the blah,

blah, blah. You haven't done anything all day.

Meanwhile, the lawn's been mowed, the storm windows have been taken down, and

the driveway's been hosed.

Who do you think told the kids to do all that?

Me.

I think my wife had sunk into a deep depression. I wasn't done, Tim. Then

does it better. She starts nagging me and nagging me about... Oh, put away

smiles, boys. Here comes the general now.

Hey, guys. I hope you didn't fill up on chips and pretzels. I picked up a couple

of double meat pizzas.

Two double meat pizzas?

That's like a meat each.

And to wash it down, I got a 12 -pack of beer in the car. It's already cold.

I'll go get it. No, no, no. Oh, you're playing. I'll get it.

Well, you're right, Bill. Eat more pizza, drink more beer. Nag, nag, nag.

You got it rough. A hot woman that does stuff for you. If my mom looked like

Judy, I'd marry her.

You know what I mean.

Yeah, that's the problem.

Okie dokie, here's the beer.

Enjoy.

Believe me, Judy's only acting this way because she wants me to do something.

Oh, and don't forget to turn off the lights when you're done, sweetie.

And there it is.

I've done six

loads of laundry. I worked all day. I'm exhausted. All Bill has to do is pick up

dinner on his way home. That sounds fair.

You would think so.

Except when he walks in the door, he's carrying one burger.

For himself.

meant for me and the kids to.

Oh, my God. If I did that, my wife would crack open my skull and fry my brains

for dinner.

Not an option with Bill. We'd still be hungry.

Sounds like you had quite a week. Oh, you don't know the half of it. On

Thursday, the kids... Oh.

Oh.

No more talking. Just happy.

That's it. Just relax.

Relax. Oh.

Oh.

Wow, I had no idea my wife could make sounds like that.

Bill, you're early.

Well, that's the sound I'm used to hearing.

Well, so much for me time.

Look, why don't you veg into the dryer for a few minutes and come back and I'll

rub you some more, okay? Thank you.

You must be Bill. I'm Gary. Oh, hey, Gary. Judy says great things about you.

Yeah, Judy says a great many things about you, too.

Oh, this place is pretty fancy for a mall hair salon.

Quite an operation you got here.

Well, I'd like my customers to feel pampered. Can I offer you an espresso,

cappuccino? Ah, cappuccino. So that's how you do it. Ah, do what?

Check up these prices.

Cappuccino, plate of cookies, smelly candles. Suddenly you can charge an arm

a leg for a haircut.

You got yourself quite a racket, my friend.

You're calling my business a racket?

No, no, no. I'm just saying my barber cost me six bucks.

With this card, my tenth cut is free. Oh, wait. That's the submarine

Frozen yogurt, mini golf.

Ah, cut huts.

Yeah. Look, if you look around, you'll find that my prices are more than fair.

Don't get me wrong. I think you're brilliant. You can get people to pay

prices. More power to you, buddy.

Rip -off artist?

No, I don't mean it in a bad way.

What do you think about it? You got a never -ending line of morons coming in

here with too much money in their pockets.

I've been trying to make an appointment with Gary for the past three weeks.

Well, that's what you said last time.

Well, maybe I do have to use the tone of voice.

And you can lose the accent. You're not Debbie from Paris. You're Debbie from

Skokie.

I can't believe it. I still can't get an appointment.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, honey.

It's so strange.

It's like ever since I was there, it's like Gary's mad at me or something.

Well, if he is mad at you, I can assure you it was nothing I said.

Oh, my God, what did you say?

It's possible that he took the words rip -off artist the wrong way.

You call them a rip -off artist? No, they'll never take me back.

Why don't you just go to a different hairdresser? Do you have any idea how

it is to find a good hairdresser?

Let's see. City of Chicago.

Hairdresser.

Oh, what do you know? There's like one, two... Oh, a thousand of them.

Oh, yeah, there's only one, Gary. Oh, I beg to differ. Right here.

Hair by Gary.

Oh, hey, it's in the town and country mall, the same place as your old hair.

Oh.

What's going on? Your father got me kicked out of my hairdressers. Oh, my

What's the big deal? There's like a thousand... Been there, been there, been

there.

Nelson, you messed this up. You gotta go apologize.

Oh, forget it, Judy. I am not apologizing.

Bill Miller does not go to a hairdresser with his tail between his legs. I am

the man of the house, and that's the way it's gotta be.

In fact, there's a few more things I gotta say to you, but I can't say them

front of the kids. Now, kids, upstairs.

You going to apologize?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Gary, how's it going, buddy? You probably don't remember me. You're Bill

Miller. You told me my business was a racket, and I'm a rip -off artist.

Boy, you are the sharpest pair of scissors in here, my friend.

I am not your friend.

Oh, yeah, about that. You know, I'm a teaser. That's what I do.

But you should know one thing. I only tease you because I hate me.

I'm working on it, so... So why don't you let my wife come back here, we'll

bygones be bygones, and go our separate ways.

What's this?

A little something for you.

You're bribing me with a sandwich card?

Seven out of nine punches.

Bon appetit.

I don't think so, no. Excuse me, I have customers waiting.

Wow, only $75.

It's not much to pay for the fountain of youth, is it? I mean, look at you. You

look 29 again.

I'm 25.

Well, when you are 29, you'll still be wearing this haircut because it'll never

go out of style.

You know, you're a real charmer. Why don't you come home with me tonight and

tell my wife she's fat?

Gary, when I came in here the other day, I acted like a jerk. I said some stupid

things, and I ruined something really special for my wife, and I'm sorry.

You should be sorry.

I worked my butt off to build this business, and I work even harder to keep

clients happy.

I understand that now, and again, I'm really sorry.

Well, it does take a big man to come in here and apologize.

I am a big man.

So what do you say we get Judy back at that appointment clock? Great. Thanks,

Gary. How does a, uh, week?

From Saturday Sound. Sounds like I'm sleeping indoors tonight.

Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?

My God, your hair is bone dry.

What kind of conditioner do you use? I don't need conditioner.

Well, tell that to your hair follicles. Of course, they won't hear you. They're

too dry.

And because they're hair follicles.

Come on. I'm done for the day. I'm going to give you a conditioning treatment.

You'll see the difference. I can't let you walk out of here looking like that.

People might think I did it.

Harry, it's really very kind of you. It's on me.

Man, this is great. You know, you should get some little teeny donuts to dunk in

here.

Oh, oh, oh, okay. You're rubbing me?

You know, you really don't need to... You're kind of tight back there. You've

got a lot of stress in your life.

Yeah, work's been kind of lousy lately, but you don't want to hear about it. No,

you go ahead. That's what I'm here for. No.

I don't want to be one of those people who just sits in the chair and whines

about their problem.

It's just that my boss has really been riding me. Now he's trying to stick me

with a crappy shift.

Well, if this not is any indication, you are seriously being mistreated, my

friend.

Obviously, you deserve better.

When can I see you again?

Hey, Bonnie.

It's Brian Miller from English class.

Really? I sound older on the phone?

Why, thank you.

Brian, can you help me with these groceries?

Hang on a second, Bonnie.

Mom, I can't now. I'm talking to a girl.

Oh.

Hope I don't say something embarrassing about the little boy I used to be.

Shh. All right. All right. I'll put all the groceries away.

That's all I'm after.

Tina,

what are you doing?

Brian's talking to a girl.

Tina, that's not nice. It's a private phone conversation.

He's reading her a poem. Oh, let me hear.

I can hear you breathing.

Tina, go to your room. You're in big trouble.

Hey, Bill. How'd it go with Gary? Good.

Real good. You're on for a week from Saturday. Oh, Bill, thank you so much.

don't mention it. You know, Gary is a great guy. We got to talking. We bonded

little. He gave me a free shampoo.

He gave you a shampoo?

Yeah, it turns out my hair is dry. That's why it's hard to control.

Yeah, looks like a bunch of them have run away from home.

Judy, can you not stress me out? I just had a rub, and I'm hoping it'll take.

He gave you a rub, too?

Yeah, he says I hold a lot of tension in my neck.

Well, as long as you got me back in. Oh, I got you back in.

Your appointment's at 10, mine's at 11, so we can go together.

You're going back?

Yeah, Gary says I need a trim. He didn't have time.

But what about the cut hut in your punch cart?

Gary says you buy cheap, you get cheap.

Bill, don't take this the wrong way, but Gary's my hairdresser. You know, and

when I get my hair done, that's my Judy time. It's my one time a month that I

have to myself.

Oh, oh, to get away from your family.

Yes, God, yes.

And I don't want to share it with you, who I love.

Well, what about my Bill time?

Your whole life is Bill time.

Why don't I just move my appointment up a week? I'll go on my day, you go on

your day.

Everybody's happy, right?

I guess that'll work.

Great.

Bill, what are you doing?

I think mine's a little softer, Judy.

So then the guy says to the genie, what the hell is this? And the genie says, my

mistake. I thought you wanted a 12 -inch pianist.

that joke before?

Yeah. Bill told me that last week when he was in here. That is a great joke.

You know, speaking of Bill, he completely forgot to pick up Lauren at

Yeah, he told me that, too. What an idiot, huh?

Well, actually, he said you forgot to ask him to pick her up.

That's not true. I asked him before I left for work. Then I'm sure you did.

You bet I did.

But it is possible you forgot, right? I mean, People do forget.

Yeah, it is possible.

Look, I'm not taking any sides here. Just rub me down and blow me out.

Eddie, how does the electricity work?

Well, it's really very simple, Tina, but first let me ask you a question. Would

you rather know how electricity works or have a brand new cool whistle?

Electricity.

Whistle.

That was close.

You have to stop seeing him.

Who? Gary, my hairdresser.

You told him all my stories.

Stories? What stories?

Picking up the kids' story, the laundry story, the shower misunderstanding.

And you're twisting them all around so you look right and I look wrong.

I see what this is all about. You want Gary all to yourself so you can talk

smack about me and he'll take your side. You're damn right I do.

Judy, I am appalled. Oh, shut up.

But you never talk smack about me with your poker butt. Okay, fine.

Fine. You don't trust me or our relationship, I'll call Carl myself.

Hey, Carl.

Bill. Do I talk smack about Judy?

Have I ever said one negative thing about my beloved wife, Judy, at a poker

game? No? Thanks.

Give me that.

Carl! It's not even Carl.

Can I please have one private conversation with this girl?

Fine, maybe I talk about you a little, but everyone does it. All the guys do

That's what poker's for.

That's exactly my point. In a good marriage, everybody needs an outlet. You

poker, I have Gary.

You wouldn't want me hanging around with your poker buddies, would you?

I'm not sure that they'd want you, Judy. I haven't exactly painted the prettiest

picture of you.

Bill promised me he'll stop seeing Gary.

Okay, I promise.

Thank you, Bill. It means a lot to me. Oh, I'm gonna miss him.

There's some problems at work he was helping me sort out.

Bill, if you're...

problems at work, talk to me. I'm your wife.

Oh, I don't know, Jude.

No, come on, talk to me.

Well, it's just, it seems like my supervisor's out to get me.

Last week, he took the microwave out of the break room.

You know I like my cup of noodles around three o 'clock.

There's another microwave down at the loading dock, but then the guys down

make fun of me, calling me cup of noodles.

Judy told you to suck it up.

Yeah.

The rest of the day, she was calling me cup of noodles.

She shouldn't do that.

It's obvious your supervisor's out to get you. I know, but Judy says it's no

deal and I should pick my battles.

Pick your battles? You work your butt off at that store.

I know, I know.

Oh, oh, careful.

I think Judy did some damage back there. I love her, but she's got hands like a

lobster. I know.

Hey, Gare, speaking of Judy.

I almost forgot.

Would you mind not telling her I was here?

Why? Well, she sort of made me promise to stop seeing you.

I don't know, Bill. Judy's been a loyal customer for a lot of years. I feel

uncomfortable lying to her.

She's been a loyal wife for a lot of years. I do it all the time.

Hit me with that hot towel.

What if she finds out?

How's she gonna find out?

That's a nice beer, Stein. Maybe I should get one of these for Bill.

Do you really think Bill needs a fancy mug? I mean, I've seen him drink beer

from his two -cup hands.

Hey, isn't that the salon you go to?

Yep. Maybe I should pick up some conditioner while I'm here.

Hey, look, that guy getting a shave is the same ugly shoes as Bill. Oh, yeah.

That guy's way bigger than Bill.

All right, all right, quit begging. I won't tell her. Thanks, ma 'am. Ready

the towel to come off? Yep.

You know what? I don't need a conditioner. Let's go to Berenson.

No, wait, wait, wait. That is Bill.

Jackass!

God, this hot foam feels heavenly.

Okay, Bill.

Try not to move.

This thing's awfully sharp.

Just close your eyes and relax.

Hey, Gary, I got a little itch on my nose. Would you scratch it for me?

I've been going to Gary for nine years. You've been there like twice. Yeah,

yeah, and thanks to you, he'll only see one of us now, which should be me,

because I didn't start the hot foam fight.

Bill, this whole thing is your fault, and I can't blame Gary for not wanting

get in the middle of it. I need Gary, because I need someone to listen to my

problems at work, not just tell me to suck it up. Oh, for God's sakes, Bill,

was a cup of noodles.

Which was very important to me.

Oh, Bill, this is so stupid. Gary is a hairdresser.

And since I have more hair, I get them.

Well, Gary says my hair is at a crisis point. It's very, very dry.

Really? A crisis point? That sounds serious. Let me feel.

Ow, ow, ow.

Promise you'll stop going to Gary. Never. Promise you'll stop going to

Judy, Judy, we should just calm down and never.

Oh, you let go of my hair. No, you let go. You let go. You let go. You let go.

You let go.

Uh,

sorry, we're in the wrong house. Hi, Brian.

You must be Bonnie.

How you doing? Bill Miller.

Maybe we should study some other time, Brian.

But if we don't... Bonnie, I... Why?

Bill, this is crazy. We need to figure out how to solve this like adults.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Bill, we're not having a pie -eating contest.

Okay, fine.

You got a better idea?

I know we'll have a trivia contest. Okay.

What's my favorite kind of pie?

Bill, that's not trivia.

Okay.

1982.

What was my favorite kind of pie?

Give it up, Bill. We're not eating pie.

It's poker night. Who's ready to be the big loser?

Said the man who lives with his mother.

Hey, Bill, ready to play some cards?

Oh, that's it. We'll cut cards. We got cards, we got witnesses.

One card, high putt win.

Okay, fine.

Did we come in the middle of... Maybe first.

Okay, but I'll go first.

One -eyed Jack beat a baby. Could she be any hotter?

No, sir, she could not.

Ah, damn it. Looks like I beat you with my king.

Bill wins. That's right. Bill wins. It's the king pulled the king.

Oh, yeah, Bill. Tell him what you want.

A hairdresser named Gary.

I can explain.

long did it take your friend to stop laughing at him? About a half hour.

You're not going to let him forget about it for a long time.

Well, I'm glad you won. A thick neck of his with hell on my fingers.

Close your eyes. Relax.

Excuse me. Is there a guy named Gary here who cuts hair and gives really good

neck rubs?

Wait a minute.

This isn't a sporting goods store.

This is okay.

Technicality. She said you couldn't give me a rub. She said nothing about me

giving you a rub.

So anyway, I'm down in the loading dock. This guy's taking forever.