Original subtitles

Isn't this a great movie?

Yeah. It'd be so cool if we had a mad scientist in our neighborhood that could

take us back in time.

Well, we do have a neighbor who grows stuff in his basement that he says will

take you back in time.

By the way, stay away from him.

Guys, it's really late. It's time for everyone to be getting to bed.

Mom, it's a Friday night. Why can't we stay up? Because you have dance class

tomorrow, Brian has karate, and you both will be exhausted.

What does that mean?

Oh, sweetie, remember the last time you stayed up? You kept bumping into stuff

the next day?

Oh, yeah.

Come on, Judy. The kids are really enjoying the movie. Let us stay up a

later. All right, fine.

But make sure they brush their teeth and put on their pajamas by the next

commercial. No problem. Okay, good night, guys. Good night. Oh, no falling

asleep on the couch, you hear me?

Gotcha.

Whatever, warden.

Now, you kids better listen, because if the inmates get out of hand, the warden

can get pretty ugly.

Dad, she's right behind you.

Oh, my

God.

Tina, it's three in the morning. Have you been up this whole time?

Yeah. What are you watching?

How long has that big animal been eating that small animal?

A while.

It's time to turn it off, honey.

I mean, I have a better idea.

Bill,

wake up. Oh, it can't be morning yet.

It is morning, 3 .30 in the morning, and I just put the kids to bed thanks to

you. Oh, don't thank me, Judy. Thank you.

You're not going to sleep yet.

Okay, but you're on your own with this.

No, I want to talk.

Okay.

You're so hot.

of talk about the kids.

I asked you to get them to bed and you just let them do what they wanted. I'm

sorry. It won't happen again.

Yes, it will.

I know.

I just want you to know there's a perfectly good reason for what happened.

Oh, yeah? What is it?

Bill!

I'm just really sick of always being the bad cop while you get to be the good

cop. You don't always have to be the bad cop.

Like tonight.

What's the worst that could have happened? The kids wake up in the living

on Saturday morning.

On the bright side, Judy, if they start to like it, we can rent out their rooms.

Oh, so I should be more fun like you. Great, why don't I wake them up and take

them to a rave?

Why, there's plenty of raving here. What?

Nothing.

All right, you know what? We'll talk about this in the morning.

Oh, goody. What'd you say?

Nothing.

Jackass.

What did you say? I called you a jackass.

Oh, okay.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. What are you kids doing?

This is dangerous. Something's going to get broken.

Your mother and I have told you a thousand times not to play hockey in the

living room. She's not here, Dad.

In that case, Tina and I are the Blackhawks.

Hey, hey, hey. Bill is on the ice. He has a vendetta.

Hi, honey.

Playing a game of beach ball hockey?

No.

I'm the goalie.

Yeah.

Sorry. Don't worry about it. Looks like you're having fun. I got pizza.

I thought we were only allowed to have pizza once a week.

I made a little change to that rule. From now on, we can have pizza whenever

want. Wherever we want. Let's eat it in front of the TV.

Then, maybe later, we'll clear out the furniture and have a touch football

Mom, what's going on?

My father and I had a little discussion last night, and he's convinced me it'll

be more fun. So that's what I'm gonna do. Come on, pizza's getting cold.

Okay, kids, get some plates. We don't want to get sauce all over the couch.

Oh, Bill, what's your problem? You got a tea party planned?

Geez, lighten up.

Wow, sausage, onion, and bacon.

I thought we weren't allowed to have this kind of pizza since Dad's 90 of 1

trombones. Aw, that's what windows are for. Come on, kids, dig in.

Tina. Yeah?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

She's been eating ice cream.

No, I haven't.

Can we have some?

Yeah, can we? You can't have ice cream until after dinner.

Unless it's in a delicious root beer float, then it's just a beverage.

Judy, all that sugar's gonna make him crazy.

You're right.

I'm gonna eat my pizza in the bathtub.

Are you leaving me alone with them and taking a bath?

Get out of my way.

You get out of my way. Make me. Ow.

Brian, I wouldn't take that from her. Good luck. The first aid kit's under the

sink.

Ow. No pinching. No pinching.

Morning, honey. What you doing?

I'm just cleaning up the stains from last night's dinner.

After you went upstairs, all hell broke loose.

Tina ate too much ice cream and started jumping up and down on the couch.

which set off Brian's motion sickness, which made Lauren laugh so hard she shot

root beer float through her nose.

Wow, I can't believe I slipped through all that.

Yeah, well, I see what you're doing, and I just want you to know I've learned my

lesson. You're sick of always being the bad cop, and I only make your job harder

when I undermine your authority.

I get it.

Now, everybody back to normal on three. One, two... Hang on.

Bill, I have to ask you something.

Have the kids had breakfast? Yeah.

And they're all right?

Yeah. And the house was clean?

Well, it's not sticky anymore.

Huh.

What do you mean, huh?

I gotta be honest.

I did think all hell would break loose, but I thought you wouldn't know what to

do and you'd panic and come running to me, but you didn't.

It was pretty rough, but I got through it.

Exactly. You can do this.

What are you saying, Judy?

I'm saying that last night I read two chapters of my book in the bathtub. The

bathtub. And then I got nine hours of sleep.

Bill, it was like being on vacation. No, no, it was better. It was like being

alone on vacation.

And three. Now everybody's back to normal.

No, no, I can be good, cop.

You pick up the slack. The kids are fun. Just be a...

Not fine.

Brian got practically died.

Good luck with that stain. A little club soda ought to do the trick.

Judy, you can't change the natural order of the universe. Hey, kids, who's up

for a game of baseball hockey?

No, no, no, no. I just vacuumed in there.

It's your turn to set the table. No, it's not.

I emptied the dishwasher.

I emptied the dishwasher. Now set the table. You do it. Okay, enough.

This happens every night. You argue for 15 minutes over something that takes 10

seconds to do.

Your mother's sick of it. Isn't that right, Judy?

Huh?

You're sick of this, right?

Oh, I wasn't really listening. I was just thinking how this bell pepper sort

looks like Jay Leno.

Man, I hope you two are happy. You've gotten your mother really angry.

She doesn't seem angry. That's when she's at her scariest. She's so angry,

smiling.

You know what? If we put all this food in tortillas, we don't need plates.

Oh, my God. Now she's threatening more fun. What are we going to do?

Oh, Brian, I'm scared.

Just shut up and set the table.

Whatever. You don't have to yell. I'm not yelling. I'm emphasizing.

Daddy, can I have cereal for dinner?

Ask your mother.

It's fine with me if it's fine with your father.

What?

No, honey.

Why not?

Because, honey, cereal's for breakfast. You eat it for dinner, your body will

think it's morning, you won't be able to get to sleep, and monsters will come.

I don't care. I want cereal.

Well, you can't have it. Why?

Because I'm the father in this house, and what I say goes.

You're mean.

Okay, that's it. Could you go upstairs and leave us alone?

Oh, I can't go upstairs. Count Chalk and I might be hiding under my bed. Just

go.

It's over, Judy.

What's over?

Did you hear what I said to Tina? I sounded just like my father, and I

sound just like my father.

Oh, but I love Mike. Will you turn that crap down?

No, I just did it again.

That's it, that's it. I'm done being bad cop.

Oh, so I'm supposed to swoop back in and start yelling? No, thanks.

I've had a taste of being a good cop, and I like it. I like it a lot.

Well, that may be, but your plan has one fatal flaw.

You can only be good cop as long as I'm willing to be bad cop. The minute I

quit, we're back to square one. So guess what?

I quit.

You can't quit. Yes, I can.

You know what that means, Judy? There are two good cops in town.

Two good cops?

Well, this should be fun.

Ah, yeah, that sounds like fun now. But by tomorrow, those kids will be running

around like monkeys in a donut shop.

Or you in a donut shop.

Exactly. When that happens, which one of us do you think is going to blink

first? I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Come on, Judy.

You've been good cop for a day and a half.

I've been on the force my entire life.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, Tina, you can have cereal for dinner.

Hey, Tina, would you rather have cake?

I'll see you in hell.

Yeah, Linda.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Making myself a sandwich.

What one?

Ice cream and chocolate chip cookies. Aren't you going to ruin your dinner?

Not if I don't eat dinner until midnight.

Isn't that faster bedtime?

You know, we don't really have bedtimes anymore.

are running amok. I have no problem with that, Judy.

Fine with me. This place looks like it was hit by a tornado.

Brett, what are you doing?

Mom and Dad, let me take the VTR apart.

I wanted to see if I could put it back together.

Can you?

Yeah. What's that part?

Well, then, no.

Hey.

What's going on here?

And, uh, do you have any left?

What's going on? We've just decided to let our children do whatever they want.

No one has to eat it if they don't want to. Damn it, I was going to say that.

Yeah, but you didn't, did you?

Okay, I see what's going on here. And I think it's really selfish of the both of

you.

Now, I told you I was bringing over the pictures of my cats that I took from my

photography class.

And this is just your way of getting rid of me so you don't have to look at

them.

You got us guilty as charged.

That's it, I'm leaving.

I'm walking through the door.

I'm opening the door.

I'm closing the door.

I'm walking down the stairs.

I'm okay.

Hey, Lord.

Kiddo. Hey.

How was that ice cream sandwich I let you have?

though. I think I gotta skip dinner.

Oh, hey, that's cool.

Who says cool anymore?

Kids still say cool.

Oh, cool.

Right on.

Listen, Mom, Dad.

Bill and Judy.

Bill and Judy.

Well, you know how I've been begging you guys to let me get a belly button ring?

Yeah.

Well, since you guys have been so cool lately, I thought maybe I could get one.

So can I, Bill? Can I, Judy?

You guys aren't cool with this. I get it.

No, no, no, no, no. It's cool with me. All kinds of cool.

You just got to ask your mother.

Mom?

No.

I knew it.

I mean, no, you don't have to ask me. If your father says yes, then the answer

is yes.

Oh, my God, I can't believe it. Oh, you are the...

Don't mention it. Can you take me tomorrow?

Take you tomorrow?

Yeah, since I'm only 13, I have to have a parent accompany me. So, can you, Dad?

I mean, Bill?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Oh, thank you so much.

You're the best.

Well, looks like I'm taking my little girl to get her belly button pierced.

Sure does.

So, you getting ready to blink?

Not even close.

Really? Me neither.

See these eyes?

Wide open, baby.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

How was karate?

I broke a board with my head.

Really?

Well, actually, I lost my balance trying to kick and fell into a wall, but a

board did break.

Good for you, honey.

So, Lauren's getting her belly button pierced, huh?

We're cool with it, okay?

We're cool parents, got it? Okay.

You know, Mom, you are cool.

Can I drive the car?

What? Just for a little bit.

You're 14.

Randy Moscott's only 14. He gets to drive a car all the time.

You don't have a friend named Randy Moscott.

I know, but, Mom, there's no snow on the ground, and I promise I'll be careful.

I said no.

Just around this parking lot over there. It's totally empty.

Brian, I'm sorry you can't drive.

Fine.

I bet Dad would let me. What'd you say?

Dad.

He'd let me drive.

Then again, he's the fun one.

He is, is he?

What are you doing?

Switch places.

You mean it? Yep.

My God, I can't believe this is happening.

Okay. The important thing is to keep your hands on the wheel at all times.

Ten and two.

Really? Because Dad's hands are usually at noon and his nose.

Well, I'm going to teach you the right way.

Okay.

Grab that handle there and very slowly put it into drive.

Slowly. Yes, ma 'am.

You want to be on the break when you do that, Brian. Which one's the break? The

one on your left. Which one's that?

Not that one.

Wow.

I keep seeing that squirrel.

Me too.

And then those bushes.

Me too.

And then that dumpster.

Mommy needs to see next a beer.

When you get to the kitchen, the fridge is on your left.

Hey. Judy.

Oh, Bill, sit down.

What's going on?

Well, Brian asked me if he could drive the car.

And let's just say I'm not playing this good cop, bad cop game anymore.

Because you wouldn't let him, huh?

You blinked. No, actually, I didn't. I let him drive, and when we hit the

dumpster, we all blinked.

Except the squirrel he ran over. He'll never blink again.

You let him drive?

I know it was stupid, but he asked, and I didn't want to be a bad cop. I know he

asked, but you weren't supposed to let him.

Wait a minute. What?

Nothing.

Oh, my God. You put him up to it. No, I didn't. Brian, did your father put you

up to it? Yes.

Oh, wow.

I don't believe you. You were supposed to say no. You were supposed to blink.

I did say no, but he kept asking.

What? You were supposed to stop asking once she said no.

I know, but I really wanted to drive.

I'm just a kid. My judgment's not very good.

It's okay, honey. No, it's not.

This house is out of control. We need boundaries.

Look at this.

Tina, you're all sticky.

Come on.

I'm going to get you a bath and a hot meal.

Thank you, Brian.

I can't believe you made him ask me to drive. I can't believe you let him

I guess we're both idiots.

Oh, my God. Lauren's belly button ring.

Don't worry. She didn't go through with it.

We went into the place, and this big pierced guy came in with a huge needle.

She got scared and asked Daddy to take her home.

You blinked, didn't you? Of course I did. She was checking out tattoos. She

never going to blink.

I'm just glad one of us used good judgment today.

So I guess this means the days of two good cops are over.

Oh, yeah.

I sure will miss reading in the tub.

I can be bad cop every once in a while.

I'm not going to lie to you, Judy.

It's nice pushing small people around.

Thanks, Bill. Yeah, don't mention it.

Lauren, get off the phone and start your homework.

Although... Brian can be bad cop till the kids go to bed.

Then I'll be bad cop for the rest of the night.

Well, we won't need a bad cop once the kids go to... Oh.

Officer, I'm a bad, bad girl driving down a deserted country lane.

Hey,

Brian, you're a quick thinker, right?

Yeah, you know, actually, some of my teachers... Think quick!

Very funny, Dad, although I don't think Mom would find it very funny.

I don't care what your mother thinks.

Dad, she's right behind you.

Oh, isn't it funny how your mother's always right behind you?

I'll tell you one thing. If she is, she can kiss my butt.

Come on, lay one on there, Judy.

Come on.

Right cheek or left?

Nice try, Lauren.

What, Dad?

Bill, are you going to turn around?

That depends.

Don't you want a little more of this?

I wouldn't have it any other way Cause you make me happy