Original subtitles

What's for dinner?

Sunday's lasagna.

Ah, Sunday's lasagna.

I knew you'd come crawling back.

One more day, it would have.

I'm surprised leftovers to make it this long with Bill in the house.

You know, Linda, if more men like leftovers, you might be able to find a

What happens, I've been dating a wonderful guy for a couple of weeks now.

name is Doug. He has two sons.

I don't want to get attached.

Are you staying for dinner tonight?

No, no, I'm making dinner for Doug and the boys.

Something healthy. I find it keeps their energy up. You should really try it

with your kids.

Yeah, except I don't want to keep their energy up. That's why I stuff them with

cheese so they're low -key by eight.

Dinner! Mrs. Hudson's here to take me to dance now, Mom. Bye.

Honey, what about your dinner?

Well, we're stopping for something on the way back.

Oh, sweetie, fast food is so bad for you.

You want me to bring you something? Yeah, you know what I like.

Yeah, well, kids will always run out the door if you let them. That's what Doug

said. That's why we have family night.

Family night?

Yeah, on the week that Doug and I have the kids, we have one night together

no TV, no friends, just our family.

You know, mother to mother, you might want to put in the effort.

It's nice that your new boyfriend has kids, but until you're burping a baby

he pukes down your cleavage, you're just playing house, sweetie.

One, two, three.

That's right, Brian. Dinner time. Family time.

Where are you going?

I'm taking a practice SAT test online.

Brian, it's important to have dinner with your mother and father.

Are you guys sick or something?

No, I just want to spend some precious time with my son.

Oh, my God. Am I sick?

Just go.

Hey, Mommy.

Honey, this was half filled with peanut butter. Did you eat it?

No. Do you want dinner?

No. Do you want to go lay down?

Something you want to say?

No, I think your family just said it for me. We could have family night any time

we want to. We just so happen to be busy tonight.

Yeah, well, you know, Doug says we're only as busy as we want to be. Well,

says Doug can kiss her ass.

Let's get going.

Bill, food!

Thanks, babe.

Where are you going?

I'm watching this big TV special.

Dirty commercials from Europe.

Sit down and have dinner with your wife.

But I'm learning about different cultures and what they look like naked.

down, Bill.

They're about to show how they sell butter in France.

Sit.

So how was your day?

Fine. Did you have a lot of customers?

Nope.

Look, if instead of having a nice conversation with your wife, you'd

watch naked French people wallowing butter.

You know, thanks to your lasagna and the Time magazine in the bathroom, I now

know everything about the Middle East.

We need to talk.

Okay, what do you need to know? Because I'm going to forget it all in like 30

seconds.

We do nothing together as a family. What are you talking about? We watch TV

together all night.

The kids weren't even there.

Oh my God, I ate all those cookies by myself.

We don't even eat dinner. together, and time is flying by us. Brian's already

talking about his SAT. Before you know it, the kids will be all moved out.

Ah, and then the whole house becomes clothing optional.

No.

Judy, we do lots of things together as a family.

Like what? Well, we all went to your aunt's funeral.

You remember what a bummer that was.

We are going to start having a family night. No TV, no computer, no outside

plans, and you are going to back me up.

No TV.

Don't we love each other enough to go a few hours without television?

It depends what's on.

Bill, we are doing this.

Okay. Fine.

Good night.

Good night, Bill.

You don't want to have family night.

You don't want to have family night.

I'm still awake, Bill.

No, you're not.

Hey, kids, Daddy's home.

Hi, Dad.

Why do you both look so sad?

Only one of you has to rub my feet.

Mom just told us about this stupid family night idea. Hey, this is

your mother wants, and it's important that we keep her happy, because if she

leaves, I don't know where any of the money is, so just suck it up.

Excuse me, I need to spend some time with another family that cost me a lot

money. Chicago Bears.

Dad, you do know that family night is tonight?

What? No, no, not tonight. I got 50 bucks on this game.

Hey, turn off that TV. It's family night.

Thank you, Bill. See, your father's just as excited about this as I am.

Bill, you only muted it.

Oh, it's a complicated remote.

I'm gonna go get Tina and I'll set up the board game. This is gonna be so much

fun.

Okay, new plan.

We pretend we love it, we get through it fast, then you can do what you want and

I can watch football.

Gotcha.

Dad, aren't you the boss?

Why don't you just go in there and tell Mom that you don't want to do this?

I'm just kidding. Look at his face, Brian.

Get in there.

Okay, here we go. I thought... we would start with this game. Ah, no, that was

confusing. It takes forever.

Yeah, besides it's missing people.

Well, so we'll make do. Somebody could be the watch battery. Somebody could be

the lighter. Somebody could be the plastic bug. Not plastic!

Not plastic!

I want to play Go Fish.

Go Fish is stupid.

You're stupid.

Now, come on, Lauren. You sure you don't want a quick game of Go Fish?

Oh, yeah, sure. Let's play.

Go Fish it is.

Isn't this nice? We're playing a game as a family.

Yeah, it is. Here, Tina, let me help you with your hand.

All right, Tina has two sixes. Well, I got one here. The other one. All right.

What else does she need?

Twos and jacks. Oh, jacks.

All right, Tina wins. Well, that was fun.

I love you guys. Me too.

much. All I want is for us to be a family that plays together, like this

on the box.

That boy looks like a dweeb. The girl looks snotty. The mom's kind of hot.

that is our family.

Okay, so we're not board game people, but I was thinking about it today, and I

remember what my family used to love to do.

Make me wait in the porch till you were ready?

Well, that and cheating solve puzzles. We used to have a ball putting them

together. I wouldn't know. I was on the porch.

So today, while I was at this...

I've got us some puzzles.

A 500 -piece one to start with and a 2 ,000 -piecer for when we get good at it.

We're going to get good at it?

I have an idea.

Let's play hide -and -go -seek.

I'll go hide at the mall.

Okay. I have had it with this attitude. I'm asking for one night. Bill, will you

please back me up? Sure thing, honey.

Now, look.

I know I've made my share of jokes about this.

But your mother and I are together on this 100%. We're going to have family

night once a week from now on.

I can see your reflection in the window, Bill.

No, you can't.

Look, Bill, forget it. I guess I'm the only one who cares about this family

spending time together.

Oh, no, no. We want to do a puzzle. A big one. The 2 ,000 -piecer.

Okay.

Hey, found a corner.

Yeah, close enough.

Hey. Hi.

Just working on the puzzle.

Great.

White kittens in the snow.

What kind of thick bastard comes up with this stuff?

Where you been?

Went to the bar.

Saw the Bears game. Had a couple guys hit on me. Who won?

Cute blonde guy.

Judy, I'm sorry about tonight. I was acting like an idiot.

Oh, no, I'm the idiot.

We're not a family night kind of family. We're just a bunch of people who live

in the same house.

That's not true, Judy.

In fact, to make it up to you, we're gonna get family night another shot, and

I'm gonna plan it. You're not a planner. Yes, I am.

Oh, yeah? Remember when you planned Brian's birthday party?

What birthday party?

Exactly. Should I keep going?

Honey, trust me, I'm totally on board with family night. This time tomorrow,

prepare to be wowed. Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do?

I don't know, but I'll planet... planet... planetarium. We're gonna go to

planetarium.

That's not a bad idea.

Wait, we're not just gonna lay in the backyard while you play Pink Floyd, are

we, Bill?

Spoil my anniversary surprise? No way.

Everyone get a move on. We're leaving for the planetarium in ten minutes.

What was that for?

For family night.

Well, maybe after a night of staring at the planets, you and I can come home.

You're not going to do a Uranus joke, are you?

I was going to say have sex, but yours is funnier.

Well, you get the coats and go upstairs and round up the kids.

Judy, you think they'll ever send a probe to Uranus?

You ready?

For what?

I'm giving you a ride to the bowling alley, remember?

Oh, no, league tryouts are tonight. I forgot all about it.

Promised to take my family to the planetarium.

I'll be bowling while you're looking at a bunch of fish.

Planetarium. All right, plants, whatever.

All I know is it's one less person I gotta beat to get the last spot on the

team. Damn it, I've been trying to get on that team for months.

Oh, I think Mommy's calling.

Just sign me up. I'll be there.

What? You're kidding me.

Well, that's terrible.

What's going on?

Planetarium's closed.

Why?

Pipe broke.

Oh, well, there goes family night. See you all next week. Hey, we're all

dressed. We're going somewhere.

Okay, anybody have any ideas?

I'm shopping. Bowling. Perfect.

Nobody said bowling.

You sure? I heard bowling.

Hey, no whining. That's a fun family night. Good idea, Bill. That's what I

thinking. I wanted to see the stars.

Well, you still can, Tina. Close your eyes real tight and rub them with your

fists.

It's going to be lots of fun.

This is going to be the best family night ever.

I'm just going to go get me a ball.

Bill, there are plenty of balls right here.

I know, but last time I was here, I hit a really good one under the cigarette

machine. I'll be right back.

All right, I'm here. What am I up?

You're up fourth, right behind me, ringing up the rear, just where I like

That doesn't sound right.

We're the Jensen's.

Oh, we're the Miller's. I'm Cheryl.

That's Tommy, Cindy, Austin, and my husband, Big Tom.

Better watch it. Every family that plays next to us usually gets a pretty good

shellacking. Well, every family that plays next to us usually gets food

on them. Okay, who wants to go first?

so I guess you better just roll the spank.

Great idea.

Thanks, buddy.

Go ahead.

You go ahead. Losing team goes first.

We're not even playing you.

Not very well. Huh, Big Tom?

A booyah.

Can I just bowl?

You're right, that's crazy. I'll go check again.

Hey, kids, did you see that strike?

Who showed that in?

Who cares? Where are my fries?

You can't knock them over with your mind, Bergner, especially your mind.

Don't rush me, Miller. This is my process.

And if you're in such a hurry, why don't you just go ahead...

Thanks for letting me go out of turn.

This is so lame. Where's our food?

They're still cooking it. I'll grab it after this frame.

Dad, it's Tina's turn.

Oh, sorry.

Here, let me help you with that, honey.

There you go.

All right.

I say now, let go of the ball.

ball finally gets down there, it's going to knock over some pins. When it does,

Daddy's going to be real proud of you.

I'm sorry, but your little girl cheated.

What? It doesn't count. She crossed over the foul line.

Okay, then I guess we lose this game we haven't been playing.

Can you believe this, Bill?

Bill? He's gone again. Where the hell does he keep going? Maybe he's fighting

crime.

Yes! Pardon me.

Who are you and why are you bowling on my lane?

Oh, I'm with the bowling alley. This one's all fixed, Jim.

Shouldn't give you any more problems.

He's not here in five seconds. I say he's out.

That's for tonight, Judy. I'm sorry.

Zip it, Bill. I can't. I thought tonight was about being together, but clearly

it was just about you. Look, I know what I did was stupid, and you're really

mad, and you have every right to be, but on a side note, I've bowled six strikes

in a row, so if God's not mad at me, how can you be?

Pardon us.

Billers? It's your turn.

Back off, lady. We're having a family discussion.

Some family?

Excuse me?

Oh, no.

Come on, kids.

Put on your shoes. We're going. This whole family night thing has been a

of time.

Looks like the Millers forfeit.

And the Jensen's win again.

Yes!

Who the hell are these people?

Jensen's. I think they're playing against us. Correction. We were playing

against you. Your family forfeited.

Oh, really?

Well, I say the Millers don't forfeit.

I say the Millers forget their differences and bowl with pride against

Jensen's. Now, who's with me?

Just a bunch of crickets there, buddy.

Good one, Big Tom.

Burned you.

We'll know when we've burned you because we'll actually burn you.

Okay, lady, you want to play?

Let's play.

Oh, you're in trouble now.

We may not be go fish people and we may not be puzzle people, but you're about

to find out that we are bitter petty people.

Yeah!

Miller, what's the deal? You're up. At last, Ferdinand. I'm busy with my

If you don't ball right now, you're never going to make the team.

I already have a team.

Thank you, Bill.

All right, Big Tom, let's go.

I got a hundred bucks that says the Millers wiped the floor with you.

64, 65, 66.

And that's all I got.

Give me your address and we'll drop by and give you the rest.

We're good.

I can't believe we lost to those idiots.

Why can't you believe it? We stunk. Hey, we might have lost, and we might have

missed a spare or two, Lauren.

But the point is, we stunk together as a family, and that's a memory we'll

always have. And, more importantly, we shorted them 34 bucks.

Chips and through!

Chips and through!

It's in a loose chair. Now, come on, let's be good sports. As a matter of

I'm going to go over there and congratulate them. Really? Yes, I am.

Because while I'm doing that, You guys go out into the parking lot, find a

minivan plastered with honor roll stickers, and write Miller's Rule in

and mustard.

Who has the best mommy in the world?

We do!

ditch the kids and get to make out on the couch.

They do kind of get in the way.

Maybe she can't see it.

I see you.

Well, Doug broke up with me.

Oh, honey.

Yeah, you know what he says now? He says, it's not me, it's him.

If it makes you feel any better, it really is you.

Honey, I know what might cheer you up.

Let's do a puzzle like we used to do with Mom and Dad.

Can we drink?

There's wine in the fridge.

Thanks, guys.

Hey, uh, you know, you're the only family I need.

It's gonna be a really fun night. We'll do puzzles and watch movies. It'll be

like our own little slumber party.

Wouldn't happen any other way.

Cause you make.