Original subtitles

Shut up. You shut up. No, you shut up. Both of you shut the hell up.

Where'd they learn to talk like that?

Mom, I want my own room. Sure thing, sweetie.

Really? Yeah.

Besides, it'll kind of be a relief to finally pull that extra wing of the

out of my butt.

Why don't we just buy a new house?

Judy, roll up your sleeves. You're going to have to get the million bucks out,

too.

How come Brian gets his own room?

Because I'm a man.

Then how come you still sleep with a stuffed rabbit?

You sleep with a pillow named Dawson. She kisses it, too.

You shut up.

You shut up. Both of you shut up. I have an announcement to make that'll take

care of all of this.

Your mom and I are going to start making out in five, four, three, two, one.

It works every time.

I'm still in love with you today because you make me happy.

You're fucking vile.

Who's that cute, skinny guy standing with Mom?

Oh, that's your father.

What happened?

Hey, cut me some slack. I've had three kids.

Hey, guys.

You almost ready?

I want to get to the reunion early enough so that people don't see me

out of Bill's car.

I got an idea. Why don't you just drive there with your husband?

because I graduated early, honey. I was an accelerated learner.

Yeah, you fear here with the glasses, the acne, the bad perm.

Not a lot of pesky dates to get in the way of studying.

Hey, Linda, take off your coat. Let me see what you're wearing.

Oh, no, I probably don't. Well, let me see.

Wow, I'm pretty sure those two didn't go to high school with us.

You have to know I'm wearing a water bra.

What's a water bra?

It's a very cruel trick, son.

You two go eat your dinner before your father opens his mouth and more words

come out. Now, when you're at the reunion, remember, you don't have to

be cool.

Yes, we do. Have you ever seen your father dance?

Wait a minute. I know what those are about. Steve Upton.

What? You still have the hots for Steve Upton. Oh.

guy for years just because we dated for three weeks he made me feel special

enough to go to that extra base and then the next day dropped me like a five

dollar whore way to let things go yeah i just want to look my best i mean it's

not just because of steve you know the perfect girls are gonna be there carla

russell jane hamilton oh let's not forget christy duncan linda why are you

worried about them just because they were perfect in high school doesn't mean

they're perfect now everybody has their time yeah right trust me People like

Christy Duncan peak early. Life has a way of evening things out.

You think about these things way too much.

It's different for guys at a reunion. It's not about who's successful or who

still looks good.

What really matters is who has the hottest wife.

I wouldn't kill you to open the upstairs shades a little. I sell toilets, for

God's sake.

This really takes me back.

Remember when we had our junior prom here?

Yeah. You know, you still owe me a little something from that prom.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

$37 .50 for half the limo.

Well, I think you got a little more than $37 .50 worth of loving that night.

Yeah, at a buck a second. That'd be about right.

Hey, hey, you know, when you have breasts like these, you don't have to

drinks. The drinks are free.

Have you spotted Steve Upton yet? No, no, he's not here. Oh, maybe he's sick

well. Now you can relax.

You're right. I don't even want to see him. I don't even care.

Oh, my God, there he is.

Are my boobs even?

Judy, Judy, look, there's Jerry Bergner. Oh, great.

B .O. Bergner.

I sat behind him in chemistry. He raised his hand a lot.

I hate that guy.

Before he transferred to our school, I was the hot dog -eating champion.

And suddenly, I was just another guy who could eat 32 hot dogs in one sitting.

Excuse me, I have some unfinished business to attend to.

Milly!

Bergner!

So, now that we've caught up, I, uh... I hear the pancake breakfast tomorrow is

all you can eat. All you can eat?

Or all I can eat?

Do I smell a challenge, or did you just raise your hand?

The only thing I smell around here is chicken.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I got 50 bucks and an elastic waistband that says I can eat more

than you. Bring it on!

You know, I do smell chicken. You want to try and find it? Sure.

Judy Michaels?

Christy Duncan.

You look great!

Thanks. Wow, you remember me? Of course I do. Why wouldn't I? Well, that we

didn't hang out. I mean, you were always cool kids, and I wasn't exactly part of

that crowd.

Oh, except for the time that I brought the vodka watermelon to school.

Oh, yeah?

Didn't you also bring the rum pineapple to school?

I drank a lot of fruit back then.

So what have you been up to?

Not much. Oh, remember the guy at graduation who mooned everyone when he

to get his diploma?

Yeah, what happened to that idiot?

I married him.

Good for you.

Still with him? Yep, three kids. Me too.

You know what? This is so great.

Just to hang out and get to know each other. Not like in high school.

We were more concerned about who was more popular or who hung out with who.

Yeah, that was so stupid. I mean, look at us. Here we are now. Just a couple of

working moms.

Lisa, how are you paying the bills? I'm an architect.

Just finished designing an airport in Hong Kong.

How about you? I'm a dental assistant.

Oh, you clean teeth?

No, I help the person who cleans teeth.

Which is a pretty big job because, you know, the dentist can't pull any teeth

unless he can find his goggles and, uh...

That's where I come in.

Steve!

Linda?

Hey! Steve!

Steve Opton! Gosh!

What brings you here?

It's a reunion.

Yeah, that's right. We graduated together. I'd completely forgotten.

Come on, we did a lot more than graduate together. We went out.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I vaguely remember that.

You know, I can't remember for the life of me why we broke up.

Gosh, neither can I.

So I guess technically we haven't.

Well, I guess, you know, that's assuming that after 20 years I'm still

available. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I'm available.

I mean, you know, it just so happens that I'm available.

Even the kids. Oh, they're adorable.

Where was that?

That was in Paris.

We spent the summer there while I was building this opera house.

Um, here we are in Italy.

Have you ever been?

No, we're more water park people.

We only went there because my husband was shooting some idiotic commercial.

Oh, here's my husband now. Oh, my God, Judy, do you know what this guy does?

He directed my favorite beer commercial.

Dude, this is my husband Trent. Trent Judy Miller.

Very nice to meet you. Hi. So, Bill, it's so great to see you. How you doing?

Judy, they've got a whole bunch of shrimp here. Did you bring your big

Bill, we don't need to take home food. We can afford our own shrimp.

If you didn't bring the big purse, just tell me.

So, Bill, what do you do for a living? Built and sale. Oh, what do you sell?

Designer fixtures.

Mostly toilets.

Hey, you sell beer, I sell toilets. Between the two of us, we got them

and going.

I believe your sister went home with Steve Upton.

Wait till he finds out second base is underwater.

Whatever. I'm glad it's over.

So, what do you say we do it like it's 1982?

No, I'm tired.

So sleep. I'll be quiet.

Good night, Bill.

Is that a yes?

No.

All right. We could have been done already.

see Duncan?

She seemed nice.

Nice? I build airports.

I build airports.

What's so big about that?

Well, they are airports. I mean, what's bigger than that?

Besides her fat ass.

Maybe I shouldn't let it bother me. That's the spirit, honey. Good night.

It's not fair. Why should she get everything she wants?

I thought you weren't going to let all this reunion stuff get to you. I know,

but if your life is perfect in high school, it's not supposed to be perfect

Judy, forget about Christy.

You're gorgeous, you're smart, you've got a great life.

Well, I haven't exactly lit the world on fire.

Who cares if Christy builds their port?

You have a great marriage, three wonderful kids.

and a beautiful house that's paid for the minute I die.

I'll get some sleep. We got a big day tomorrow.

You know what, Bill? I don't want to go to the pancake breakfast.

I've had enough reunion.

Okay, now you're taking this thing way too seriously.

We've got to go to the breakfast. I've got a title to defend.

I'm just set up for one more conversation with Christy Duncan while

standing there in her designer outfit with her perfect family. And I'm

there with my discount dress and the pancake king.

No offense.

No, I get it.

What if I told you that Christy's life isn't as perfect as you think?

What do you mean?

Well, you can't tell anybody this, but I was in the bathroom. I overheard her

husband on the phone. I think he's having an affair.

Really? Oh, you must have been mistaken.

He was talking to a woman and said he really had to see her if he could get

away. Well, he could have been talking to anyone. He could have been talking to

his mother.

Well, then he told his mother to wear a sexy blue thong.

Either way, he's got problems.

Wow, her husband's having an affair.

This is so great! I knew it wasn't her time!

Poor stupid Christy, her life's a mess!

Did you just cackle?

Yeah.

So you still want to fool around?

I don't know. I've never done it with evil, Judy.

I'll go easy on you.

Please don't.

This is your reunion. I don't know why I have to be here.

Because, honey, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

What? You're staying. Do the words really matter anymore?

You know, while I'm here, I wonder if I can maybe sneak into the library and do

a little research for my science report. Keep it down, son. There's people here

that still think I'm cool.

I'm gonna go look for Linda. You keep an eye on Tina.

Fine.

Tina, do something for Daddy.

Take this fork and poke people in the legs till you get me a spot at the front

of the pancake line.

Okay.

Maybe a little. These plates, really hot.

Very.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey. Hey, guess what? Christy Duncan's husband is having an affair.

Everyone's talking about it.

What? So what happened last night?

Yeah, a lady doesn't kiss and tell.

Honey, a lady doesn't wear last night's cocktail dress to a pancake breakfast.

things I want in a guy checklist.

Steve had all of them. And number seven was checked three times.

Judy, can I talk to you? Sure.

Did you tell anyone what I told you last night about Christy Duncan?

No. No one?

Well, Terry Boulder called this morning and asked me if I was bringing the kids,

and I may have let it slip, but I told her not to tell anyone.

Ah, good. As long as you only told Big Mouth Boulder, now everyone's talking

about it.

Well, I didn't think she'd say anything.

Terrible. Then again, maybe it's just as well. You know, if that jerk is

cheating on her, she's better off knowing about it. She might not be

Why not, Bill? Her husband's having an affair, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No.

What? I made it up. I can't believe you. I didn't know what else to do. You were

feeling bad. I feel...

husband cheating on her just so you could get pancakes.

I didn't just want pancakes.

I also wanted sex.

Bill, you have to find who's ever talking about this and tell them it's

true, and I have to go apologize to Christy. Why? She probably hasn't even

the rumor.

It doesn't matter. It's still out there. We have to make this right. All right,

I'll do it, but I'm burning calories I haven't even eaten yet.

You know what?

Later, let's go back to your place. We'll light a fire, pour some wine, put

some Beatles. Oh, that sounds great.

Except something other than the Beatles. I don't like them.

Oh, whatever.

I'll just be you and me and number seven.

What? Nothing.

So Christy Duncan's husband isn't having an affair.

Guys, think about it. Christy's a beautiful, intelligent woman.

What's more likely? Her husband actually cheating on her or somebody at the

reunion made up the rumor because they were jealous?

Is that what you think happened? Of course. It doesn't take a brain surgeon

figure that out.

I am a brain surgeon.

Really? Let me ask you a medical question. When you chug a milkshake, how

you get that pain in your head? Let me ask you a medical question.

Why are you chugging milkshakes?

So what makes you so sure that someone started the rumor? I know Christy's

husband. She doesn't have to worry about him with other women. He's just not the

type. Oh, I get what you're saying.

Good, then pass it around.

steps up to the plate.

Hey, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter.

Joe Miller, you got some catching up to do, 19 and counting.

Make it an even 20.

Hey, guess what?

Just overheard someone say Christy Dunn gay.

Hey, Christy. Hi, Judy.

So I guess you've heard the rumor that's floating around.

Yes, I have, and I know it's not true. Of course you know it's not true. You

probably know that better than anyone else here.

What? Why do you say that?

Because you know how petty people can be when they think someone's life is

better than theirs. They're always trying to drag people like us down.

Yeah, well, sometimes people... People like us?

Yeah, you know, the people who have it all together.

Yeah. So you think I have it all together?

Of course. Your life is great.

I mean, you've been with Bill forever, and you're obviously so happy together.

You look even better than you did in high school, and you've got three kids

adore.

Are your kids here? Yeah, they're somewhere.

So what else do you want to know about me?

No.

Just one thing.

You know when you said you didn't like the Beatles?

Did you mean you just don't like them or, you know, they're not your favorite?

No, I just don't like them.

Because you know they had, like, a hundred hits.

Just your husband. Not gay. Pass it on.

Plus, your skin looks so great. Do you use something special on it?

Well, I've had a lot of baby food thrown at my face.

Oh, you look great.

Your life is great. I'm so happy for you.

Christy, I am so flattered that you think my life is so great, but you know

what? I know who started the rumor, and I feel really bad about it. Of course

you feel bad about it. You're a good person.

Not like the jealous, petty loser who started the rumor.

Who was it?

B .O. Burke.

Yellow submarine,

a hard day's night, can't buy me love.

No.

Piano man? What about piano man?

Oh, yeah, I like that.

That's Billy freaking Joel!

Wait a minute.

Now I remember why we broke up.

You do? Yeah, we were at that burger joint and I ordered my burger plain, you

know, because that's the way I like it.

and let it go. For the next two days, you grilled me about condiments.

Well, I mean, come on, dry meat and bread, who eats that?

I do.

Oh, come on, give me a break.

I mean, tell me there's more condiments.

Ketchup, mustard, relish. You know what?

You're crazy.

I hear he's gay anyway.

What's with you?

Nothing. I feel great.

You do?

Yeah, Christy Duncan just spent a half hour telling me how great my life is.

What did she say?

Well, she thinks I have a wonderful marriage and terrific kids, and she went

and on about my skin.

Let me get this straight. When Christy Duncan says the exact same thing I told

you last night, you feel all better?

What's your problem?

The problem is when I say it, it should mean something.

Oh, please, you just said those things to shut me up. No, I didn't. I said them

because they're true.

Look around, Judy.

I had a shot with every woman in this room.

In my mind.

But I chose you.

I still get a chill when I remember our first time.

The way you looked into my eyes and said those three magical words.

What the hell?

Do you really mean all that?

Of course I do.

Do you mean it, mean it, or just I want pancakes, mean it?

Why can't it be both?

Man, that reunion sucked.

Actually, I ended up having a pretty good time.

Oh, sure, you feel better about your life.

By the time I got to the front of the line, there were no more pancakes.

Hey, Bill, will you get me my keys out of my purse?

Why do I have to do it? Just do it.

Oh, pancakes.

And they're still warm.

I love you.

Are you talking to me or the pancakes?

Why can't it be both?

i wouldn't have it any other way cause you make