Original subtitles

(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)

Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf.

Its crew: Dave Lister, the last human being alive;

Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate,

and a creature who evolved from the ship's cat. Message ends.

Additional: supplies are plentiful. We have enough food and drink to last 30,000 years,

although we have run out of Shake 'n' Vac.

Additional additional:

Last week, we found a planet with a breathable atmosphere.

(HEAVY ROCK MUSIC)

We're grooving tonight. Ahead, groove factor five. Yeah!

Hang on, everybody. Hang on!

(MUSIC STOPS)

- The sausages are done. - (ALL CHEER)

It's the business, innit? It's nice to get out once in a while, stretch your cables.

(SLURRING) I can't understand it I've had so much to drink

and it hasn't even afflicted me. I'm not in the least bit...

- Oh, yeah, why are you dancing, then? - Ha! You call that dancing?

I've seen people on fire move better than that!

- We'd better be going. The moons'll be setting in a bit. - OK, then, a toast.

Gentlemen, and skutters, we are gathered here today

to celebrate the anniversary of Mr Arnold Rimmer's death.

(BURPS) Right on, baby!

And for this very special occasion, I have baked a cake.

What's that, then?

It's in the shape of a spanner, Holly, because he was a technician.

Oh, that's very apt that is.

If he'd have been a postman, you'd have baked it in the shape of an envelope, I suppose?

Yeah!

Gordon Bennet! It's lucky he's not a gynaecologist.

- To Rimmer! - To me!

# Happy deathday to you. # Happy deathday to me.

Happy deathday to you

# Happy deathday, dear Rimmer

# Happy deathday to you #

(BANGING AND SCRAPING)

# Show me the way to go home

# I'm tired and I want to go to bed... #

(RIMMER) Are you sure you're all right to drive? (LISTER) Yeah.

# I had a little drink about an hour ago

# To celebrate Rimmer's death #

What time is it?

- Saturday. - Is that the best you can do?

There are some numbers next to it, but they could be anything.

Do you know what I fancy right now?

A big fat woman with thighs the size of a hippo's.

No, I want a triple fried egg butty with chilli sauce and chutney.

Me, too.

Well, no problem then. Nothing's too good for the deathday boy.

- Correct. - Hol? Hol?

- Hol, give us something to eat. - You what? I'm jiggered, man.

- Oh, come on. You don't sleep? - 'Course I do.

I've got to offline. I can't keep up my full-tilt, full-power, red-hot, maximum pace all the time.

I've got to take the odd breather, haven't I?

- I want a triple fried egg sandwich with... - With chilli sauce and chutney.

- You what? - It's state of the art sarnie.

It's the state of the floor I'm worried about.

All right. OK.

Trust me.

I feel like I'm having a baby!

- It's good, innit? - It's incredible.

- Where did you get the recipe from? - I can't remember.

I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare.

It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery.

It's well naughty. The trouble is, you've got to eat it before the bread dissolves.

I could never invent a sandwich like this, Lister.

You see, all the ingredients are wrong.

The fried eggs, wrong. The chutney, wrong.

The chilli sauce, all wrong.

But put them together and somehow it works. It becomes right.

It's you. This sandwich, Lister, is you.

- What are you saying to me, Rimmer? - You're wrong, right?

All your ingredients are wrong.

You're slobby. You've got no sense of discipline.

You're the only man ever to get his money back from the Odour Eater people.

But people like you. Don't you see?

That's why you're a fried egg, chilli, chutney sandwich.

Now me... now me. All the ingredients are right.

I'm disciplined. I'm organised. I'm dedicated to my career.

I've always got a pen.

Result? Total smeghead despised by everyone except the ship's parrot...

and that's only because we haven't got one.

- Why? Why is that? - I suppose it's because you are a total smeghead.

But I'm not. I'm a nice guy. I'm a goodie.

No, Rimmer, see the trouble is you've never got time for people. You're too busy trying to be successful.

It's all midnight revision and "Up, up, up the ziggurat, lickety-split".

I have got time for people! What about all the time I spent licking up to Todhunter,

even though he was a total gimp?

And Captain Hollister? Mr Fat Bastard 2044. I went out of my way to simp around him.

Rimmer, that's not having time for people.

Do you know how many times in my entire life I made love?

- No. I don't want to know. - I want to tell you.

- I don't want to know! - But I wanna tell you.

- I don't want to know! - I'm wanna tell you! I'm gonna- I am gonna tell you

- I wanna tell you... - Listen. Listen, Rimmer. if you tell me, right?

You'll wake up in the morning and you'll have your hangover, and you'll feel like death,

and you'll walk up to the mirror, and you'll look in the mirror and you'll remember and go..."Arghh!"

See? It's not worth it. I don't want to know. Believe me. You. Don't. Want. To tell me.

- Once. - Smeg!

One time only.

Don't tell me this, Rimmer, you'll want to kill yourself in the morning.

Yvonne McGruder.

A single brief liaison with the ship's female boxing champion.

March the 16th. 7.31 pm to 7.43 pm.

- Please... - Twelve minutes...

- Please?! - And that includes the time it took to eat the pizza.

Please, Rimmer?

In my entire life, I have spent more time being sick.

So? I mean, you haven't met the right girl yet.

No, I haven't, Lister! I haven't met the right girl, and some just might say -

given the fact that the human race no longer exists,

coupled with the fact that I have passed on -

some just might say that I'm leaving it a little bit on the late side.

Well, you made a decision, didn't you? I mean, you chose your career over your personal life.

Yes, I did! I did, didn't I? Pearls of wisdom there

from Mr Fried Egg Chilli Chutney Sandwich Face.

well, I'll tell you something, Lister. I'll tell you something.

I'd trade it all in - all of it. My pips, my long service medals,

my swimming certificates, my telescope, my shoe-trees.

I'd trade everything in to be loved and to have been loved.

# I'm a little lamb

# Lost in the wood

# Maybe I could

# Really be good

# With someone to watch over me #

That was going to be our song,

but I never found anyone to share it with,

so now it's just my song.

Another bit of sky. That's a star.

(RIMMER WHINES)

(TRUMPETS 'PETER AND THE WOLF')

Ah, my foot! I must have gone to sleep on it.

You were putting it away last night, Lister You really fell for my joke, didn't you?

(GROANS) God, it's agony!

That McGruder gag. Fancy falling for that, eh?

I'll give you my telescope, anything. Please God don't tell anyone.

Have you done that?

When did you do that?

I didn't! I just went to bad, and I've just woken up with this!

- When did you finish the jigsaw? - I didn't.

Oi! Who's been messing with my star charts?!

Here I am trying to do the comprehensive - nay, definitive - A-Z of the entire Universe,

with street names, post offices and little steeples and everything,

and some git's been fiddling with it.

It's not us.

OK, which one of you chimpanzees did this?!

Look, there's a perfectly logical explanation for everything,

with the possible exception of Little Jimmy Osmond.

- Who? - Hang on. Today's Sunday, right?

So?

Well, this clock says Thursday. and that clock says Thursday.

And my foot says get the person who did this to my foot!

Four pages have been torn out of me diary.

- Solmehow, we've lost the last four days. - Did you look behind the fridge?

If you lose something, it's nearly always there.

- Aliens! - What?

What are you talking about, grease-stain?

It's a well-documented phenomenon.

They kidnap you, give you a mind probe, erase your memory and put you back.

- OK, aliens came aboard. - Without question.

- They broke my leg. - For some reason.

- They broke MY leg. - Right.

- And then they did a jigsaw. - Right.

Well, that's cleared that up, then.

Look, you're not thinking alien. That's what aliens are - alien.

They do alien things. Things that are... alien. Maybe this is the way they communicate.

By breaking legs?!

- And doing jigsaws? - Why should they 'speak' the way we do?

- They're aliens. - OK, Professor, what does it mean?

Maybe... Maybe... OK.

Breaking your leg hurts like hell, OK? "Hell."

They do it below the knee. "Low."

"Hell-low." Get it?

They do it twice. Twice. Two.

"Hell-Low-Two." And jigsaw must mean you. "Hello to you."

I wouldn't like to be around when one of these suckers is making a speech!

Hang on. The black box. Holly, the black box will have recorded everything, won't it?

Yeah. Hang on. I'll fish it out.

It's gone! It's been half-inched. Wait a minute. Let me think about this.

It gives off a signal. We can trace it.

(CRUNCH)

(LISTER) It's the gearbox, man. I'm telling you.

- Nothing yet. - This is impossible. It could be anywhere.

It's like trying to find a fart in a jacuzzi.

Look! Down there on that moon.

(LISTER) Are you getting a picture now?

Yeah, but the quality's terrible. It's like watching Spanish television.

(LISTER) Oh, my God! (CAT) What the hell is that? Holy...

(LISTER) Smegorama!

Er, Holly, start the engines. Warm her up. Keep her ticking over, yeah? Er, what is it?

(LISTER) A footprint the size of a surfboard.

(CAT) I don't believe the size of these guys feet!

Can you imagine the problems this guy must have trying to get fashionable shoes?

(LISTER) I wonder if it's true what they say about the size of your feet,

I mean, if it is, then this guy should probably go to a fancy dress party as a petrol pump.

I think you should come back.

(LISTER) There's more of them, they lead round this corner.

So a surfboard foot-sized monster came aboard, did a jigsaw,

drained our memories and broke a couple of legs. So what? Forgive and forget, that's what I say.

(LISTER) This I don't believe!

It's a gravestone.

"To the memory of the memory of Lise Yates."

- Who's Lise Yates? - You're not going to believe this,

but I used to go out with a girl called Lise Yates.

It's only shallow. The black box is buried in the grave.

(BLEEPS)

- Right, it's loaded. - (AS BOGART) Well, play it, Sam.

Nice-looking bloke.

I don't know if anyone will ever find this,

but if they do and it's you, Dave, or you, Arnold, don't ever play it.

Some things are best left buried.

- Why have you frozen him, Hol - You heard what he said

- Knows his stuff, that dude. - Come on, Holly. From Saturday night.

(RIMMER) Do you know how many times in my entire life I've made love?

Yes, we all remember this bit. Spin on, spin on, spin on!

(MOUTHS SILENTLY)

That many?!

(LISTER) Another bit of sky. A star...

(RIMMER WHINING)

This better be good. I was sleeping, and sleeping's my third favourite thing.

Come and wake me up this time of night...!

- What is this place? - It's the hologram simulation suite.

- This is the room that creates Rimmer. - Have we come to blow this room up?

Look, those are his dreams and everything there. That's what he's dreaming right at the moment.

# Maybe I could

# Really be good

# With someone to watch over me #

I'm gonna give Rimmer the best present he will ever get.

- (CAT) What are you doing? - I'm recording me memory.

- Your entire memory? - Yeah. Everything.

Everywhere I've been, everything I've learned, my entire knowledge.

Right, that's it.

I'm gonna give Rimmer a love affair.

I'm gonna take eight months out of my memory, and I'm gonna paste it into his,

So everything that's happened to me, he's gonna think happened to him.

- You're giving him one of your old girlfriend? - I'm going to give him Lise Yates.

(CAT PURRS)

(LAUGHS)

God, I love you Dave. I love you so much.

(LISTER) And I love you, Lise.

A few minor adjustments.

- God, I love you Rimmer, I love you so much. - (LISTER) And I love you, Lise.

Change the voice.

God, I love you Rimmer, I love you so much.

(RIMMER) And I love you, Lise.

- And that's it. - And when he wakes up, he'll think all this happened to him?

Yeah, the whole eight months.

Man, that's a fine present.

He was probably only expecting a tie.

(ROCK AND ROLL)

You're in a good mood.

Why not, Listie, when life's so good?

Why is life so good?

You wouldn't understand, Lister. You've never been in love.

- I have! - Oh, not real love, Lister. Not like I have.

Not fireworks in the sky, 'From Here To Eternity' rolling naked on the beach kind of love.

- Not like me and Lise. - So, who's Lise?

Never you mind, Lister. Someone who was absolutely nuts about me, that's all you need to know.

Fine. If you want to... keep it to yourself.

All I'm saying is, from now on call me Tiger. Grrr!

An old girlfriend, was she... Tiger?

Ah! What a crazy, crazy, year that was.

The first three months, I was at Saturn Tech doing a maintenance course.

Then, for absolutely no reason, I suddenly moved to Liverpool.

I drank too much. I smoked too much. I became a total slob.

I met Lise, of course. I even started to eat my own toenail clippings.

My tastes in music radically changed.

I stopped adoring Mantovani and got into Rastabilly Skank.

- Crazy. - Well, you know? You were in love. You go a bit crazy.

It was weird. I was absolutely nuts about her,

- but yet started treating her really badly. - No, you didn't!

I did! I started to give her some wishy-washy twaddle about not wanting to get tied down.

But you were young, you didn't want to settle down. You wanted to bum around and have a laugh.

- I hate bumming around and having a laugh. - But that's what you're like when you were young.

I wasn't like that when I was young, so why did I say those things?

I mean, she wanted you to have a career.

That's what I'd always dreamed of, so why did I finish it with her?

Because... you wanted to play the field.

That's right. I told her I wanted to play the field.

I told her that? I must have been mad. She was great, and she thought I was great.

Yeah, man, you're right. You were mad.

- She was a lover and a friend. - And beautiful.

- Gorgeous. - Great sense of humour.

- Terrific. - The sex was fantastic.

- Amazing sex. - Brilliant sex.

- Oh, primo, dynamite sex! - Fantastic sex! Stupendous sex!

- Lister... - The way she used to. Oh, the sex, the brilliant sex!

- Er, Lister. Lister. How do you know? - I'm just having a guess!

Kindly dont! No one will ever know

how beautiful the relationship between me and Lise Yates was.

How could you do this, to me? It's the most heartbreakingly tragic thing it's ever been my misfortune to witness.

Popcorn?

I'm sorry, man. Obviously, I thought I was doing you a favour.

What's this got to do with jigsaws, broken legs and Godzilla-size footprints, eh?

- Right, smegbrain, prepare to die! - Eh?

- I found the letters. - What letters?

- Don't give me "what letters?"... THE letters. - What letters?!

You went out with Lise Yates too. I found the letters she sent you.

Oh, smeg!

All the time she was going out with me, she must've been seeing you as well, behind my back.

And what is more, to pour salt into the wound, you used to take her to the exact same places I used to take her.

- And do the exact same things. - Rimmer, it's not what it looks like.

That woman is unbelievable.

We stayed a night in a hotel in Southport and made love six times.

According to her letter, you were in the exact same hotel and you made love six times, too!

Listen...

Twelve times a night? What is wrong with the woman, she's sex mad!

Listen!

It's a good job you were there. If i'd have been there on my own I would have been dead within a week.

But it doesn't make sense. I mean, she loved me.

Listen, listen. She wasn't going out with us both at the same time.

Come on, I've checked the dates.

- She wasn't going out with you at all. - She...

- She didn't go out with me at all? - No, you've never even met her.

Is that the best you can do, Lister. That's below feeble!

I went down to the Hologram Simulation Suite and I gave you eight months of my memory.

- What? - It was a present.

You gave me eight months of your memory as a present?

Yeah.

That's why I was an orphan, even though my parents were alive.

That's why I had my appendix out twice.

I thought it was what you needed.

You've destroyed me, Lister.

The woman I loved most in the whole world didn't love me, she loved you.

Rimmer, listen...

Rimmer, listen... Rimmer!

Oh, smeg!!

You should have bought him a tie.

Come on, Rimmer. You've experienced love.

It made you more confident, more secure.

- It didn't happen. I never even met her. - It did happen.

I mean, you fell in love with her in a way I never did. She's yours, now. Nothing can take that away from you.

That time she stuck her tongue down my ear. It wasn't my ear at all. It was your ear.

The woman I loved most in the whole world had her tongue down your ear.

The most romantic thing I've ever had down my ear is a Johnson's Baby Bud.

Come on, as far as you're concerned you had a love affair, right? Which was wonderful, yeah?

And for some reason that you can't understand, it all went hideously wrong.

Well, so what? Join the club, bucko. It's just you, me and everyone else in the world.

- I don't want to feel like this anymore. - So, you're in pain, yeah?

No, but Rimmer, if you go through life without feeling,

You go through life never experiencing, you're no better than a jellyfish,

no better than a bank manager.

I don't want this feeling anymore. I want my own memory back.

OK. OK. OK. I'll erase the last four days. Lise Yates will never have happened.

- But you'll know about it. - Well, I'll erase my memory from Sunday, too.

- And the Cat's and Holly's. - Fine, if they agree.

- What about the black box? - I'll destroy it.

- It's indestructible. - OK. I'll shoot it off into space.

- Someone might find it. - OK. OK. We'll bury it! We'll bury it on some planet, yeah?

(LISTER) I'm going to drop it, I'm going to drop it. Put it down, man. Put it down!

(THUD)

(CAT) Why does he want a gravestone? (LISTER) He said he wanted something somewhere, y'know?

so it didn't, like, disappear.

(GRUNTING)

(LISTER AND CAT SCREAM)

(LISTER) Arrrgh. I've broken me foot! Ah! It's broken. (CAT) Help me find my toes!

OK, that's it.

Let's go and erase our memories.

# It's cold outside

# There's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #