Original subtitles

Nudge it.

Nudge it, nudge it, nudge it.

Nudge it!

Hey, Mike, did you see the newspaper today?

Terrible, terrible news.

What's that?

You know that old bowling alley over in Jasper Town?

Yeah, Jasper Bowl.

Well, they're turning it into a mini storage facility.

Terrible news, that's great news. I simply adore mini storage.

Jasper Bowl, that was a great old alley. Now Stucky Bowl will be the only one

left around here.

That'll be good for business.

Yeah, probably, but, you know, there's something sad about them knocking down

old building like that.

That'll never happen here, my friend. I am never selling this place.

What about when you kick the bucket? What about when you're gone?

Yeah.

You're right. After I'm gone, anything could happen.

I hate to think they might knock down this place and turn it into... Ten bucks

if you yell, I love kitties at the top of your lungs.

There I can keep by

But do you think you could make more money off of a talking dog or a flying

A talking dog.

I think you could make more off a flying dog. A flying dog could really put on a

show.

But a talking dog could actually ask for the money.

Seven and a half, my good man.

Hey, hey, hey.

Harry Lockman out there. You're back.

How you doing, bitch?

Good, Doug. You can ball again? Check this out.

I'm Jacqueline Lane, baby.

Where'd the arthritis go?

Gone where the goblins go.

My doctor gave me these.

Hexamycin or whatever.

Miracle pills.

My knees are bending like first -year Tupperware. That is great.

Congratulations. On the house. Oh, I need that.

These little darlings here cost me $85 a week.

Come here, you old bag of gas!

Harry, have you thought about getting the generic pills instead of the brand

name? It'd be a lot cheaper.

Oh, looks like everywhere.

This came from a doctor. He said they don't come in generic. Give me.

Oh, yeah, I can take care of this.

I know a guy.

See, why do you have to say I know a guy? Why can't you just say I have a

who's a pharmacist, or I made the acquaintance of a man who happens to

a drug company? Why has it got to be, I know a guy? Ooh, I know a guy.

Don't even talk to this one in the morning until he's had his second cup of

So, uh, guess who called me last night? Who?

Jeff Alexander.

Oh, right.

Yeah,

he didn't stand a chance once I turned that Molly Hudson magic on him. No, he

didn't. Although he did give him my number a month ago, so I guess it's that

slow acting kind of magic.

What are you guys going to do? I don't know. He said he's going to call me

tonight. He's a cutie. Yes, he is.

I can't stop thinking about the demise of Jasper Bowl.

It's really been bugging me.

How come?

Well, if Mike was right, what if they did the same thing to Stucky Bowl?

Tell me, do you think that place is not going to be there forever?

So much fun to wind them up and watch them go.

Hey, guys. Hi.

Hey.

So, what's the topic?

Eddie's concerned that Stucky Bowl might not last forever.

And nothing lasts forever.

Nothing except...

Except what?

I don't know.

I could make an easy joke there, but nothing came.

And you should try to just, like, not speak.

I got it.

I got it.

I got an idea.

I got a great idea.

What is it?

I'm going to apply for landmark status.

When you have landmark status, they can't take it down. Stucky Bowl will be

there forever.

Why would you want a bowling alley to be there forever?

It's not just a bowling alley. It's my bowling alley. It's our bowling alley.

I hate to be the one to break this to you, but I don't think you could

get landmark status for a bowling alley.

Carol, you've obviously never experienced the boyishly convincing

Edward J. Stevens.

Oh, I think she has.

Gonorrhea.

Lasts forever.

Oh, my God.

How do you think you'd go about getting something landmarked anyway?

I don't know. He called town hall, I guess.

Dr. Burton, how are you this fine day?

All right.

How are you doing, Phil?

Well, listen, uh... I got a favor to ask.

Uh -huh.

Wait a minute.

I know a guy?

He... This is the guy? Mike is the guy? Yes.

Mike qualifies as the guy?

Well, he's a guy, isn't he?

I know he's a guy, but he's not a guy as in I know a guy. That's a totally

different kind of guy.

Let's agree to disagree, shall we?

What do you know?

How can I help you, Phil?

I need to get my hands on some generic hexamycin. Hexa -what?

Hexamycin? I've never heard of hexamycin.

Really? Okay, I get it.

How dumb am I?

Perhaps this will help refresh your memory?

Phil, Phil, Phil! I don't think there's any such thing as hexamycin.

Okay.

This guy is good.

Ooh, yeah.

Gotcha.

Harry Lockmatter says his doctor's been giving him this hexamycin for his

arthritis. Yeah, I got a pill right here.

Well, let's send it down to the lab and see what we can come up with.

Dr. Burton?

Hey, Dr. Jerome?

I'm sorry to disturb your little tea party, but there are all these people

sitting here in our waiting room. Any ideas what they're doing there?

Aren't those your patients?

Very good. Your hippie friend is very perceptive.

I'll be right in, Dr. Jerome. No, you enjoy yourself, Dr. Burton. Don't worry

about the sick and the dying, gentlemen.

That guy's cool.

Ed?

Yes, Sarah. Ed, I'm confused.

What's the matter?

You know how you are a bowling alley lawyer.

Well, you know, I'd really prefer... And how I transitioned from the bowling

alley side of the business to the lawyer's side by becoming your legal

assistant. Uh -huh. Well, there is a gentleman here to see you.

Except he's not here because you are a lawyer.

He's here because you own the bowling alley. So I believe I am in a gray area.

Why don't you just go ahead and send him in?

Yes, sir.

Hank, Roger, let's queue.

Oh, hey, hi.

Ed Stephens.

You're the new owner.

Yes, I am. What can I do for you, Mr. Rogeleski?

I need stuffy bowl.

See, every May 9th, me and five of my buddies, we come here and bowl at

midnight. Really?

How long has that been going on?

Since 1942.

Wow.

42?

What is that?

59 years? That's amazing.

I hope it'll be okay with you. I have to tell you up front, I don't have very

much money.

Don't worry about that, Mr. Rogelescu. Whenever you need, the place is yours.

Thanks, Mr. Stevens. Call me Ed.

Ed.

Thank you. You're welcome. Yeah.

Okay.

Sure.

I am game.

Okay.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Okay, bye, Jeff.

The look of love is in your eyes.

Okay. You will never guess what I am doing on my date with Jeff. What?

He invited me to a cocktail party for the Stuckyville chapter of Mensa.

Mensa?

Jeff Alexander is a genius?

Apparently so.

Wow. Yeah.

Are you wanting to hear my Mensa joke?

Yeah. How many Mensa members does it take to change a light bulb?

How many?

One.

That's good. Yeah, I enjoyed it.

How many women have you had sex with?

Well, we're guys hanging out. That's the kind of stuff we're supposed to talk

about.

See you there, Ed.

Hey, Harry.

I've got a message to come down here. What's going on?

All right, well, we found out what hexamycin is, so... Wait, wait, hey,

don't come waltzing in here for the victory lap.

Okay, Phil, you go ahead. Thank you. You're welcome. Mr. Lackamather, we have

discovered what hexamycin is.

Why are you calling me Mr. Lackamather all of a sudden?

Am I going to die? I had some of my boys down at the lab examine your pills.

And I have some shocking news for you.

What?

Harold, in the world of pharmaceuticals, there are many classes of drugs. You

have your amphetamines, your barbiturates, your methamphetamines. How

sugar? That wasn't nice.

Sugar?

100%. You hogs waggling me? He's telling you the truth, Harry.

Hexamycine's a made -up name. It doesn't exist. You were given a placebo.

You mean I've been paying this doctor $85 a week for sugar?

I'm going to take a tire into his silky white ass. Harold, calm down.

Calm down. There's a better way.

What?

You legally wronged.

Him lawyer.

I said, Ed, I won't sue him.

I won't sue him so bad till he bleeds through his ears.

Let me see what I can do. Now, why do you got to say that? Let me see what I

do. Why not just, okay, I'll be your lawyer. Ooh, let me see what I can do.

cool. Look at me. I'm a regular Remington seal.

Let me see what I can do.

Finished? Not yet.

Ooh.

Okay, now I'm done.

Okay. Excuse me.

Are you going to speak to the Dr. Kendall?

I'm Dr. Kendall. Hi, Dr. Kendall. Ed Stevens.

Some place we could talk?

Oh, I'm late for lunch.

Tell Franny here what your problem is, and she'll be happy to schedule an

appointment for you. No, no, I'm not here for medical reasons. I'm Harry

Lockmatter's lawyer.

Harry Lockmatter's lawyer?

Mm -hmm.

Well, come on.

Walk me to my car.

Ah, what a day.

Yeah. Fresh air makes you feel like you're 16 again.

So, you're a lawyer. Yes, sir, I am. What firm?

You're not with Tessel and Tessel, are you? Because I'll tell you right now, if

you're with Tessel and Tessel, this conversation's over.

I'm not with Tessel and Tessel. Good.

Arnie Tessel I can live with, but Frank Tessel?

Hey, don't put my stones in a vice and tell me we're friends, you know what I

mean? Okay.

Dr. Kendall, I'm here to talk about Harry Lockmother, why you're charging me

a week for sugar pills.

Oh, that's a placebo, Ed.

Very common practice. I know what a placebo is, but $85 a week? Listen, I'm

for lunch. I'd love to talk, but I've really got to go.

All right, then. I guess I'll see you in court.

Court?

Don't be ridiculous. We're not going to court.

We're going to settle this like gentlemen.

Call Franny. Let's have some time for tomorrow.

Hey, what brings you to this fine bowling estate? Well, I thought you

a little bit of company.

Oh, company.

Yeah, baby. What are you talking? Fifty? Sixty? How much?

Not that kind of company. And thanks for pricing me so very low.

A thousand.

Fifty, sixty.

A thousand.

Yeah.

Hey, tonight's a big night, you know.

How so?

Well, tonight is a night I appear before the Stockingville Town Council to

officially request landmark status for Stockingball. You want to come? You're

really going to go through with this?

Yeah.

Ed, I don't think it's that easy to get landmark status. It's kind of a big

deal.

Hey, there's that guy I was telling you about. Come on.

Hey, Mr. Roger Lesko.

What do you have there?

Oh, some things for the party. Photo albums, music. Oh, and a case of RC

A case?

You know, we do have our own soda fountain here. Oh, yeah, but you don't

RC. It's got to be the clown.

Oh.

Oh, who's this?

This lovely lady.

Well,

we have a smooth talker here.

You could learn something from this man.

That's true.

Well, I appreciate you making this meeting fit into my schedule.

I'm a very busy man.

Hey, you know anything about equestrian law?

Equestrian law?

Law's about horses.

Yeah, I have a couple of palominos coming up from Venezuela. I need someone

look at the paperwork.

What do you say?

Look, Dr. Kendall, I don't want to talk about a question. I don't want to talk

about horses. I want to talk about Harry Lockmatter, all right? We can do it

here. We can do it in a courtroom. It's your choice.

You seem upset.

You want me to buy you a tan?

Let me buy you a tan.

Lorraine! I don't want a tan, Dr. Kendall. What I want is to talk about...

want to talk about Harry Lockmatter.

Okay.

Shoot!

Okay.

You're charging me $85 a week for sugar pills. Ed, if I may, let's cut to the

chase. What are you looking for?

You know, to make Harry happy.

Well, he'd like his money back.

$85 a week for 22 weeks, that's $1 ,870, none of which was covered by insurance.

$1 ,870.

Yeah.

You got it.

Not that I did anything wrong. This is not an admission of guilt, you

understand.

Yep. Just putting this whole affair into the life's too short category.

There you go.

Okay. See?

Now, gentlemen, behave.

Good. I will take this right back to my client.

Sure you won't let me buy you a tan?

I'm cool.

I know what you're thinking.

Oh, what? Now you Mensa dudes can read minds?

You think I'm a dork for joining Mensa, but I'm telling you, there's nothing

pretentious. It's just... I did it to meet people. Okay, you don't have to

explain yourself, all right? I almost joined Mensa myself.

Seriously? Yeah. Why didn't you? Because I have the IQ of a golf ball.

That is not true.

Jeff. Hey.

And you remember Doreen. Hi, Doreen. This is Molly Hudson.

Hi. Nice to meet you. Hi, nice to meet you. Molly teaches science over at

Stuckeyville High School. Yeah. Oh.

Really? Are you Mensa? Oh, me?

Oh, no. No.

Although I can multiply two five -digit numbers in my head. Is that right?

What's 12 ,452 times 15 ,983?

970586540.

Let's have some fun, shall we? Excuse me.

I can't. I just gave him my Social Security number.

You've had your turn, sir. If it pleases the council. Sir, you have had your

turn. May I speak? Can I answer? May I please speak? Can I answer? May I please

speak? Fine, go ahead.

Look, all I'm saying is, if you expect the Stuckyville Little Leaguers to be

competitive against the other towns, we need aluminum bats.

End of story.

Yes, I've heard you.

And what we are saying is, right now, there isn't money in our budget for

aluminum bats.

Do you have any idea what you're going to say?

I'll tell you what I'm not going to say.

Steer clear of any mention of the need for aluminum bats.

These are the kids. It's a couple hundred dollars.

Well, I'll tell you what, Councilman.

I'm going to pay for the bats myself.

And when we win the championship, you're not invited to the parade. Do you hear

me? You're not invited, Councilman. All right? Fine. Fine.

Is there anyone else who would like to address the council?

Yes, sir.

Hello. Hello.

I'm Ed Stevens. I'm the owner of Stucky Bowl.

Yes, the lawyer.

I've heard about you. What can we do for you today, Mr. Stevens?

Ah, yes, I'm glad you asked. Thanks. This should only take a minute. I would

like to get landmark status for Stucky Bowl. You want us to landmark a bowling

alley? Yep, that's right.

Why would we do that?

It has no architectural or historical significance.

Uh, yes, but Stucky Bowl...

Stucky Bowl is an integral part of Stuckyville. It's woven into the very

of town. Yeah, it's woven. It's woven.

And Stucky Bowl, Stuckyville.

I mean, don't tell me that's a coincidence. Stucky Bowl, Stuckyville. I

I'm right. Am I right? I'm right. Stucky Bowl, Stuckyville.

We just have to prove that Stacky Bull is significant.

How do we do that? No idea.

All right.

I don't want to rat anybody out, but I just overheard a guy with a chance,

David. He loves the G -string divas. I'm sorry, sir. You will have to return

your Mensa card.

You could be a genius and still love G -string divas. In fact, I could create a

very compelling syllogism proving that it's impossible to be a genius and not

love the G -string divas. Well,

hello, Pulitzer.

Oh, my God. What is he doing here?

You know Dr. Satula?

He's a regular here.

I've always felt that M .C. Escher was a clever craftsman, but not a true

artist.

Let me tell you my man's a joke.

Sure. Okay, um, how many man's people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One.

Oh, well, Carol told me that one.

She's a really good friend to you.

Yeah, she is.

Why do you say that?

And she's the one who told me that you were smart and funny. And if I recall

correctly, I think you used the word amazing.

Is that right?

Yep. And I gotta say, she's got you pegged.

When did you and Carol talk about me?

It's a funny story because I actually asked her out first.

Oh.

That is funny.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, but she said no. And she says, you call Molly. And you know, I gotta say.

I'm really glad I did. Oh.

Thanks, Jeff. That's sweet.

Mr. Bratley. Now!

You understand what we're looking for?

Architectural significance.

Exactly, exactly. If Stucky Bowl has it, we are one step closer to landmark

status. Ethan Brownlee, what a pleasure.

Do I know you? No, no, but I am a longtime admirer of your buildings,

the Denny's on Route 38. It is an absolute masterstroke.

Thank you. Now tell me, did you get to meet Denny himself? He always seemed

he'd be a kind man. Scram. Sure.

Stucky Bowl, in all its glory.

What are your first impressions?

Well, it looks like a bowling alley.

Architecturally significant bowling alley? Hold that thought.

I want to show you something. You see this shoe counter? Yes. It's elliptical.

So? Well, so bowling's a sport of roundness, am I right? Absolutely.

Well, this shoe counter is round, but not quite round, as a matter of fact.

shoe counter serves as an ironic commentary on roundness. It does. It

does. Uh -huh.

And behind me, the snack bar. Now, the snack bar's lines?

Architecturally significant.

Exactly. Exactly.

Yes, well, I don't see where... Of course you do. Of course you do.

Ball racks.

These ball racks are forged out of vintage iron. Vintage iron, my friend.

Ergonomically designed to provide immediate bowling ball access.

Carol, you got anything?

The lanes are shiny. The lanes are shiny.

Stay there, Ed.

Harry! Excuse me one moment, Mr. Brownlee. Please serve Mr. Brownlee

to drink.

Something architecturally significant.

Would you like root beer?

Yeah.

I gotta admit, I was surprised he agreed to settle just like that. Yeah, well, I

ain't too surprised.

What do you mean?

Martha, Bruce, they've been going to Dr. Kendall for years.

Really? He sold me the same pills as Harry. Me too, and a bunch of my

Good doctor's got quite a racket going, doesn't he? You know, Harry, I don't

think you should accept the settlement.

We should file a class action suit. Let's go after this guy.

Let's do it.

Aaron Brockovich.

Start tomorrow.

the last time you cleaned this basement?

Cleaned?

Just found out I had a basement.

What you looking for, Chief?

Oh, anything of historical significance, I guess, Kenny, that might impress the

town council.

Uh -huh.

Oh, how about this?

This baby here dates back to 1976.

We had it made special for the bicentennial.

Yeah, no, that's good. I was thinking more along the lines of old photos,

documents, that kind of thing.

Oh, huh.

All right.

Well, Big Rudy used to keep all his papers right here in his cabinet.

Really? All right.

Take a look.

Oh. Jackpot.

This is great, Kenny. Thanks.

You know, by the tricentennial, we'll all be dead.

This is a real treasure trove of Stucky Boliana.

I would have gone with Stucky Bolabilia. Wow, this might be something.

Ford visits a local bowling alley.

Gerald? No.

Henry. No.

Harrison? No.

Dew. Dew.

Who's Dew Ford?

Dew Ford is a state spelling bee champion in 1962.

So how'd the big date go with Jeff Alexander?

Oh, don't ask.

Why, you guys didn't hit it off? No, actually, we had a great time until he

me that before asking me out, he asked out Carol.

Huh. You know what's even worse is that it's just very clear to me that the only

reason he even asked me out was because Carol told him to.

But he did it just to get close to her.

I doubt that, Molly.

Well, what is it?

This, my dear Ed, is a flying buttress. There is nothing more architecturally

significant than a flying buttress.

Ed.

Dr. Kendall.

Do you have a minute? Dr. Kendall, you've been served with a lawsuit. It's

inappropriate that we speak without your lawyer present.

A minute.

Even on the floor, it's significant.

Dr. Kenner, we really shouldn't be speaking without your lawyer, President.

you've got to drop this case.

Can't do that. You scam people out of thousands of dollars.

It's not a scam.

It's a treatment.

You've been lying to them. Dispensing phony medication at a ridiculous profit,

might add. I'm dispensing a placebo. That's what a placebo is, phony

It works because the patient thinks it's real. I know what a placebo is.

I just think what you're doing is illegal.

I know.

You see my fancy car and my expensive suits and you think, this guy's a crook.

Well, you're wrong.

I'm a doctor, a really good doctor. I cured these people when no one else

Ed,

look, once word of this case gets out, all my patients that I treated

successfully with placebos, they're going to start questioning their

and it's going to stop working.

That may or may not be true. We'll have to let a judge decide about the money,

though.

Mr. Lockmatter, when Dr. Kenda offered to sell you these $85 pills, did he tell

you they contained nothing but sugar?

No, sir, he did not.

What did he say they were?

He told me it was experimental arthritis drug that wasn't used too often because

it was too expensive.

See, would you spend $85 a week on these pills if you knew they contained

nothing but sugar?

Are you kidding me?

Hell no.

So he sold you something that you did not want by telling you it was something

you did want, is that right?

You got it.

That quack ripped me off at the tune of 1 ,900 bucks.

He's lucky I didn't whomp him upside the head.

Thank you, Mr. Lockmiller. Nothing further.

Uh, Mr. Lockmiller, when did you first develop arthritis?

About five years ago.

And you went to see your family doctor, Dr.

Charles Aroni, for treatment, did you not?

Yeah. Was he able to do anything for you?

Yeah, he helped.

But over time, the symptoms got worse, did they not?

Yeah. So, you went to see Dr.

Kendall. What did he do for you? Well, try a different thing.

Nothing worked?

No. So, as a last resort, because nothing else worked, he attempted to

your problem psychologically by prescribing placebos.

Rejection. He didn't just prescribe them. He sold them.

Sustained. Did you or did you not tell Dr.

Kendall that you would be happy to spend $85 a week to cure your arthritis?

Yes, but... When you started taking the pills, did your arthritis go away?

Yes.

I'm awfully confused.

He offered to sell you a cure. You bought the cure. The cure worked.

So what are we all doing here, Mr.

Lockmather? Objection.

Withdrawal. I have nothing more, Your Honor.

Hey, Mo.

Hi.

How was your date?

It was great up until the part where it started to really, really suck.

What?

How come you didn't tell me that Jeff asked you out?

I didn't think it mattered.

How could it not matter? The guy I like asked out my best friend.

But no, Molly, I didn't like that at all. Jeff and I were out on that stupid

fake double date thing with Bonnie and Ed. On the way home, he casually asked

if I wanted to do something sometime. It was probably just being polite. It

didn't mean a thing.

Well, then why didn't you tell me?

I don't know. No.

Come on.

I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to make too much of it.

I see.

Okay, Mom, look, I'm sorry you're upset about this. Maybe I should have said

something, but if I had, would you have gone out with him? No.

Then that would have been a mistake.

Look, I just wanted you to be happy.

Do you even realize how patronizing that sounds?

Look, I am your friend, Carol. I am not one of your charity projects. I am not

the girls' JV basketball team or some poor little nerd who's failing gym. I am

not one of the losers that you help so that you can feel better about your life

being served to you on a silver platter. Is that what you think? Just do me a

favor, okay? The next time you want to help me, tell me first. Okay, that way I

can go hide in my basement until it's over.

No, wait a second. Wait, wait, wait, wait a second.

A guy that you're interested in asked me out. A guy who, by the way, if it

weren't for you, I probably would have gone out with. And what did I say?

I say no.

No. Go out with Miles.

Miles is great. Miles is amazing.

And what do I get for my trouble? This.

Uh -uh.

Wait. I am really tired of you telling me that my life has been served to me on

a silver platter. It is getting really old.

Do I have this amazing job? Do I have the husband and the three kids and the

house and the white picket fence? No.

And you position yourself like you're an underdog and you are... Oh, never mind.

Dr. Kendall, why did you sell placebos to Harry Lockmather?

Because I'd exhausted all other forms of treatment.

I've had good luck with placebos in the past, and he was really suffering. I

thought it was worth a try.

Why did you charge him $85 a week for the pills?

Well, it's all part of the psychology of the placebo effect.

The more things cost, the better people think it is.

And in order for the treatment to work, Mr. Lockmather had to believe that these

pills were very special.

And that's not going to happen if I sell them for nickel.

And how did you come to this conclusion?

Well, by analyzing years of clinical data.

In the early days of my practice, I charged much less for placebos and they

much less effective.

And I found that $85 a week is about the least I can charge for a successful

treatment. Ah, but doctor, you lied to your patients. What you told them was

hexamycin was nothing but sugar. I asked them each very clearly.

Would it be worth it to you to pay $85 a week to get rid of your arthritis?

And when they answered yes...

I embarked on a course of treatment that made it necessary for me to lie to

them. The treatment wouldn't work if I didn't. I gave these people relief from

years of physical agony.

Indeed you did, sir.

Thank you, doctor.

Dr. Kendall, suppose you went to a jeweler and you paid $5 ,000 for a

diamond. You brought it home to your wife and she enjoyed this ring for the

10 years. Then one day you found it was cubic zirconium. So you went back to the

jeweler and you asked for your money back. But the jeweler said, no, I don't

you a dime.

Because you paid for the experience of owning a $5 ,000 diamond for the last 10

years. You've had that very experience. How would you respond?

I'd demand my money back.

But your example isn't quite fair.

A diamond's value goes beyond its effect on the person owning it.

But a drug's only value is its effect on the person taking it.

Dr. Kenner, you testified that for a placebo to work, the patient must

it's real. Is that right?

That's right.

Is charging a huge sum of money the only way to make the patient believe the

medication is real?

I've found it's very effective.

Couldn't you just charge $85 for a few weeks, and after a time, you bring the

patient in, you say, well, you'll never believe it.

They're making a generic brand. Instead of $85 a week, it's now $5 a week.

Same exact pill.

Wouldn't they believe you?

I mean, as long as we're making up lies, why not make up lies that don't cost so

much? I wouldn't have wanted to risk tampering with a treatment that was

so beautifully.

Dr. Kendall, these pills that were just sugar cost your patients $85 a week. And

how much does a week of sugar pills cost you?

I don't know offhand.

16 cents a week.

16 cents.

So, that means...

You're charging your patients.

Huh?

531 times what it costs you.

It's quite a business.

Objection.

Nothing further.

Hey, Molly.

Oh, hi, Jeff. Hey.

You're really hard to reach lately.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I've been really busy at school.

Molly, I talked to Carol, and I know why you're upset.

Really, Jeff? It's okay.

Listen, I can understand why you're mad at her, but why are you mad at me?

You know what, Jeff? I'm not.

I think you are.

Don't take it personally to ask Carol out. I mean, I had a great time with you

the other night, and I'd really like to see you again.

You know what?

You're right.

Jeff, you didn't do anything wrong by asking out Carol. I mean, who can blame

you? I guess I just... I feel like being somebody's first choice.

But you are my first choice now that... Now that you've gotten to know me.

Hey, Jeff.

The use of placebos is undeniably effective.

Patients willingly paid the price and in return got what they wanted, relief

from their pain.

However, we don't live in a society where the end automatically justifies

means, and the sale of these placebo pills constitutes fraud.

Whether they worked or not, they were misrepresented by Dr. Kendall, and that

cannot be allowed.

I therefore rule that Dr. Kendall refund all the monies paid to him by the

plaintiffs and by any others who may have been treated in this manner.

And Dr.

Don't let there be a next time.

Because next time, you won't leave my courtroom with your medical license.

Understood?

Yes, sir.

You did it, son.

You treated old Harry Locke Mathis greenbacks.

Congratulations, Ed.

By tomorrow, all the people I cured of arthritis will experience all the good

old agonizing pain they used to know and love.

Oh, that's a big, juicy slice of irony.

It's all like a damn old Henry story.

Yeah, I guess it is.

Ain't justice a bitch.

Come on.

Hey, guys, come on in. Please, come on in. How you doing?

Nice to see you.

Hey, y 'all got your shoes. I see that's great.

Paul, listen, we set up all the food you asked for. If there's anything else,

just let me know.

How about a little time alone with your friend here?

Ah, you just say the word.

At his age, it's liable to kill him. I can take the worst ways of going.

Here.

Now you can see how pretty we all were when we were young. Can we go? It'll

me two hours to change my shoes.

Enjoy yourselves, guys.

Give us a panel.

There will come a day and youth will pass away.

What will they say about me?

When the end comes, I know there's just a triple dose.

Life goes on without me. Cause I ain't got

nobody.

Oh, and nobody cares for me.

This place won't be here when we're all there, will it? You don't know that for

sure.

Wow.

Make sure they're thicker than the teenagers.

Oh, my God.

That's it?

It's what?

Mr.

Stevens, you are back.

Yes, sir, I am. Now, I understand.

The council told me that...

The only way Stuckyball could achieve landmark status was if it had

architectural or historical significance. It doesn't.

It doesn't, but I'm here anyway because Stuckyball is significant.

It is significant.

Significance has nothing to do with flying buttresses, famous battles. It's

significant because of one thing, and one thing only.

People.

Every Friday night, we used to come bowl in a league. We were the kingpins.

I thought of the name. Of course, back then, it wasn't Stucky Bowl.

It was the Stuckyville Bolitorium.

Later, it was bought by a wealthy guy known as Fancy Larry.

He renamed it Stucky Bowl.

Fancy Larry invented chocolate.

Every town's got a place where friends get together.

Could be a park, a cafe, or a street corner. In Stuckyville, it just happens

be... The Stucky Bowl.

In St. Louis, it's a gentleman's club out by the airport.

They call it the Landing Strip. It's a nice place.

Anyway,

every year on May 9th, all the kingpins get together at Stucky Bowl to roll a

few games.

Come on.

I would like to propose a toast to the eternal life of the Stucky Bowl Bowling

Center and to my sincere hope that 50 years from tonight, I'll be meeting you

all right here for a midnight ball.

Yeah!

Now let's hit the land!

Listen, it's me, okay? It's not you.

Miles, I want you to know that I have never thought of you as a charity case.

know, I know. It's just tough sometimes being the funny friend with the great

personality.

Yeah, but if you've ever been to the movies, you will notice that the funny

friend with the great personality always gets the best guy.

That's just so that people like me will buy tickets.

You should go out with him again.

Don't let this stand in the way.

Come on.

Let's ball.

I think tonight's the night I am going to hit triple digits.

You never hit triple digits. I am.

The

eyelids

getting heavy.

Hard to lift.

The mind begins to wander.

Things start to drip.

to get in heaven.

Hard to live.

You think down a little deeper and you're feeling wonderful.

Feeling wonderful.

Maybe you're falling in love.

Maybe you're falling in love.

Maybe you're falling, falling, falling, falling, falling in love.

You must think I'm silly.

Why's that?

Told me I'm like stuff.

Think I'm nuts, right?

No more nuts than usual, no.

I don't know, I just... It makes me feel good knowing this place is going to be

here forever, that's all.

Ed. Yeah?

Do you really think we'll be seeing each other here 50 years from tonight?

You and me?

Yeah.

What do you think?

Hey, guys. Hey, you got to see this. Kenny's about to stop and ball in his

There's something you don't see every day.

You want to go back down?

Stay up here a few more minutes.