Original subtitles

So tired, tired of waiting, tired of waiting for you.

So tired, tired of waiting, tired of waiting for you.

Hey, Tucker's Appliances. Yeah, hello, this is Ed Stephens calling. Listen, you

guys said my new refrigerator would be here by noon. It's already 2 o 'clock,

I was wondering... Stephens.

Ed Stephens. Yeah, that's right. Is there more than one Stephens? Thank you.

Yeah, 3 o 'clock.

You're telling me 3 o 'clock now? All right. You're sure?

You're sure?

Okay. I'll wait.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. You are going to die when you hear this. What?

Jesse's coming to school this week.

Former child star Corey Felton. No.

Former child star Corey Haim. Getting warmer.

I have no idea who is it. Tori McCallum.

Oh, my God.

Why? The athletic department's throwing some alumni holiday dinner for old

football captains.

Troy McCallum's coming here.

When's the last time you talked to him?

Let's see, that would have to be April 19th of senior year, the day that he

dumped me, yes, and shattered my heart into a hundred million tiny little

pieces. Right.

Tucker's applying.

Ed Stevens calling again. Listen, you guys said I have my fridge.

4 o 'clock.

You'll have my fridge here by 4 o 'clock.

Well, that'll be quite a feat given that it's 4 .36 right now.

5 o 'clock.

5 o 'clock. All right, fine. That's fine. But that's a promise, right?

can't afford to sit around here and waste any more time.

Okay. 5 o 'clock.

I can keep by your side Watching the wide world I've

been hiding out I'll be coming next year

And this figure he added there unto, that gold rust, what shall poor iron do?

So what is our good friend Charles' point here?

Hmm?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Say it by the bell.

I'll see you tomorrow. Don't forget to read The Sumner's Tale.

There could be a quiz.

Bye -bye. Andrew, do your reading.

Yes,

Warren. I'm on the planning committee for the sophomore Christmas party at

Stucky Bowl. Uh -huh. And I'm, like, entitled to two free shoe rents. That's

great, Warren. Use them wisely.

So, should I pick up at 8 or... Warren, you know that I can't... Maybe this will

change your mind.

It's very sweet, Warren, but I can't accept that.

Well, at least look inside.

Oh, Warren.

Here's the deepest secret nobody knows.

Here's the root of the root and the bud of the bud, the sky of the sky of a tree

called life, which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide.

And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.

I carry your heart.

I carry it in my heart.

Oh, my God.

E .E. Cummings, I memorized it for you. It's not like lower stuff.

Warren, we have to talk.

Whoa. Oh, I know what those magic words mean.

You're breaking up with me.

Warren, I can't break up with you if I was never going out with you in the

place.

So this is how it ends.

Not with a bing with a whimper.

Elliot, please don't go.

Elliot, don't.

Excuse me. Look, I bought a refrigerator.

It was supposed to be delivered yesterday. It never showed up. Are you

You mean my shirt? What was it, a stealth refrigerator?

Look, I'd like to see the manager, please. Sitting at the breakfast.

You people wasted a whole day of my life. I don't care if he's having

omelets and mimosas with the ambassador.

What ambassador? Any ambassador. Elliot, just go. All right, go through the

stereos, make a right at the computers, make a left at the toaster ovens,

another left at the microwaves, and he's right on the other side of the mouse

pad.

Elliot, please don't just go.

Thank you.

So, uh... Your old buddy Troy McKellen's coming to town in a couple of days. Are

you getting excited?

No, I am not getting excited.

I'm not going to go to that alumni football doodad, and I'm not going to

him. Oh, come on. You two are quite the pair.

Aren't you just, like, a little bit curious to see how he turned out?

Miles, you seem to be glossing over the fact that Troy McKellen was really,

really horrible to me. I know he broke up with you. No, no. He didn't just

up with me. He broke up with me. Like, kaboom.

What did he do?

Okay, we went out for two years, and then one night at the pond, he turns to

and says, Babe, think about growing you.

That's it. Nothing else. And then, as a little added bonus, he starts dating my

former best friend, Claire Smiley, two days later.

I didn't know that. I'm so sorry, sweetie.

Pulse. It was ten years ago.

I'm fine now.

Right, right.

Look, Larry, this should not require a 20 -minute conversation. It's very

simple. I paid for a fridge. I waited for a fridge. I have no fridge. Three

weeks.

Three weeks. That's what you said three weeks ago. Look, why don't you just give

me a fridge? You got 5 ,000 refrigerators here. How do you people

business? You know what?

I'm not crazy about your attitude.

My attitude? You're not crazy about... You people make me stay home all day

waiting for a fridge that you don't deliver. Now I come down here, you don't

have the decency to apologize to me and go get me my refrigerator, and you're

not crazy about my attitude, Larry?

I think the way you just said Larry was very aggressive.

You know, I am a lawyer, and you're just begging for a lawsuit, pal. So sue me,

whatever you want.

Just let me eat my quest sandwich. Elliot, please go to Stowe's.

I gave you a locket.

Gotta hand it to the kid. That's pretty classy.

Yeah, kind of like something a young Edward Stevens might have done.

I thought you didn't remember me from high school.

Hypothetically. I was a loser.

I could have used some help back then. I'm sure you were fine.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, you know, and do high school all

again, knowing what I know now.

Do you really think that would make any difference? None whatsoever.

But what about stocking Apple computers?

Two, please.

Hi, guys.

Hi. Wow, you got your hair done.

Interesting. What is interesting about me getting my hair done? Well, Troy

McCallum's coming to town. Carol Vesey gets her hair done.

Coincidence? I think not. Troy McCallum. Man, did I hate that guy.

So what do you think, Ed? We'll, uh...

Will old Sparks be once again fanned into roaring flames?

You've got to cut it out. I have not even thought of the name Troy McCallum

since the 80s, and I have moved on a bit since then, you know? What do you think

he's going to look like? Oh, come on. You know how this one goes.

Former football star has to show up bald with a beer gut. Yep. What if there's a

twist? And we're all expecting him to be bald with a beer gut, so instead he

shows up handsome and fit.

Interesting. But now that we've anticipated the twist, it might be even

twist if he's bald with a beer gut.

Yeah. A twist on the twist, Molly. I think you nailed this one.

You know, you're both insane.

Phil,

I need to see you in my office. Yeah, Bosco, hold on a second.

What do you think?

About what?

Well, check out the top of the tree.

Ah, a Jewish star.

That's nice. Yeah, this way, the Christians are happy and the Jews are

Man, we got all the angles covered.

What about the Hindus?

Okay, that's like a special kind of Jew, right? The kind that wears the hat?

Doctor's appliances wasted a day of my life.

I'm going to waste a day of theirs.

My man is a bronco, snorting and pawing at the dirt.

I want you to take this flyer, make 500 copies, post them all over town.

Tucker's Appliances announces a giant pre -Christmas giveaway.

Come to our store at noon tomorrow. Put your hand on the appliance of your

choice, and if you can keep it there until closing time, you get the

for free. Keep reading.

Remember, don't let us talk you into leaving. It's all part of the game.

Think it'll work?

What? I'm just so proud of you.

That's who this is?

It's Troy McCallum. God, how long's it been, huh?

Listen, I'm coming to town for a couple of days, and I was hoping we could get

together and do some catching up. So give me a call. I'm at 616 -653 -23...

It's all the big sophomore bowling party. You bringing anybody?

What are you, like, rubbing in or something?

Rubbing what in?

I've seen you with Carol. I know you're like her boyfriend or whatever.

Believe me, Warren, I am not her boyfriend.

You're not?

And by that time, you busted into our class in that fruity -ass night suit.

Well, since that time kept, Miss Vessie and I have mutually agreed to be

friends.

She totally dissed you.

That's awesome.

Guess we're just a couple of losers.

Two losers hanging tinsel in a bowling alley.

I wouldn't exactly say that... Except you're an even bigger loser than me,

because you're like...

20 years older, which gives me 20 years to become not a loser, but it's too

late. Easy, champ. Nobody here's a loser.

You bringing someone to this party or what?

What do you care?

Well, I guess you sort of remind me of myself when I was your age. I thought

could use a little perspective on the situation.

Well, you know, when I was your age, the idea of walking up to a girl and asking

her out was just mortifying, you know?

Life or death situation, so I didn't do it nearly as often as I should have.

So, like, what's your point? My point is, now that I'm older, I realize I

have gone for it. You know, even if I'd gotten one yes for every ten no's, it

still would have been worth it. Hmm.

So, anyway, who's the girl?

Must be someone you like.

Yeah, I guess.

What's her name?

Jessica Martel.

She's really hot, and she, like, writes these poems that are totally intense,

like, about feelings and stuff, and, like... Sounds perfect.

Right.

No, no. There's no way she'd ever go out with me.

She's like the most popular girl in our school.

So what, Warren? Who cares? Look, listen.

When you see this girl this afternoon, I want you to walk up to her and say hi.

Even if you don't ask her out, you just start talking to her. Make an

impression. Take a shot, you know?

It's worth a shot, right?

Yeah, I guess. There you go.

Can we stop talking now?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm loving this. You were mad as hell. You were not going to take it anymore.

It's like a modern -day David versus Goliath. Are you going to have people

the flyers? Dude, I put them he everywhere.

Well, let's see how he did.

Ladies and gentlemen, I repeat, there is no contest.

We have nothing to do with these flyers.

Someone is playing a...

Yeah, sure there isn't. You gotta wake up pretty early in the morning to fool

me. I swear to God. Hello, Larry.

Remember how you wasted an entire day of my life?

Well, sir, I do believe the score is officially tied.

Did you hear that? Did you hear that? He's the one! He's the one who put up

flyers! He just said so! That's right.

It was me.

Sir, there's no contest.

Please take your hands off the stove.

You are good.

He almost had me.

You have a nice day, Larry.

Good luck. Good luck. Good luck.

Good luck.

Don't give up. Good luck. Good luck. Good luck. Hope you win. Don't give up.

Good luck. Hope you win. Good luck.

Oh, my God.

Did you call him back?

Yep, and he wants to have a drink together when he's in town.

And what did you say?

I said, sure.

I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of saying no, because that

like I actually care.

All right, so talk to me. What's he like?

He's got a lake house in Michigan, a vice president of sales for a

pharmaceutical company.

Married, divorced.

Married, two kids, Portuguese water dog.

Wow.

Well, Troy made a pretty good life for himself.

Yeah. Yeah, he sounded very, very happy.

Sorry. Yeah.

Ooh. Oh, my God.

Dr. Love is in the house.

Jessica Martel. Ooh, man, he's shooting from the top shelf.

He just looks at him and he says...

Hi, Mr.

Kerwin.

Oh, my God.

What did Coach Kerwin do? He made him eat a tube sock.

A tube sock.

What's up, Tim?

What up, dog?

Word.

Hey, Vanessa.

How about trig today, huh?

Mr. Drake's a total hard -ass, right?

Total hard -ass.

Hey,

Jessica.

Hi.

Warren.

Cheswick.

People usually call me Ches.

Nobody calls you Ches.

Well, no, it's like a limited release right now. I'm gonna go wide with it in

couple weeks.

Uh -huh.

A couple weeks.

You guys see Felicity the other night?

Hey, Jessica, I read your poem, Soul Dragon.

It's actually really cool. I really liked it.

Hey.

Oh, my God, Jess.

Cheswick is checking out your rack.

Tim. What?

You better apologize, Ches.

Oh, no, no, no. Come on, Ches. Leave him alone.

Come on, Ches. Let's hear it.

I didn't... I didn't look...

Bosco! I've got a tasty idea for a sequel to The Flyers. Not necessary,

All I wanted was one day at a business, and that's what I got. Check it. We

sneak in after dark, we put Spanish Fly in the water coolers, then we just sit

back and watch all the salesmen do it.

Phil, there's no such thing as Spanish Fly. You're right.

Are you Everett J. Stevens?

Yep. You're being sued by Tucker Appliances for $4 ,600.

This is the estimated amount of lost revenues incurred today.

We'll see you in court, Mr. Stevens.

The plot.

Tucker's appliances versus Edward J. Stevens.

Mr. Stevens, where's your attorney?

Actually, Your Honor, I'm representing myself in this matter.

Haven't you heard the saying, he who represents himself has a fool for a

Yes, I have, and I tried my best to convince me not to hire me to represent

myself, but I simply refused to listen to me.

I trust that'll be your last attempt at self -representation humor.

Yes, sir.

Warren,

life is short. You got a packet full of experiences, all kinds of experiences.

Don't let this time go to waste.

I take it things didn't go so well with Jessica. No. In fact, it was a complete

disaster. You just ruined my life. Thank you.

Hey, look, the plan A didn't work, so fine.

We'll just go with plan B.

What's plan B?

Plan B? Plan B? It's great. It's big. It's huge. It's large.

You have no idea. None whatsoever.

Great.

It's Christmas

time.

It's Christmas time again.

I'm losing him. Out of my way.

Young man's going to die.

Come on. I'm not going to lose you. I'm not going to lose another one.

Come on.

Don't go dying on me.

Damn it. It's not breathing.

I got nothing. I got no action.

You, muscles, go get me a knife.

Now. That means movement, muscles.

Come on. Don't you throw in that towel. I'm not going to let you go.

Yeah, you're kind, pony boy.

Stay away from the light.

Where's that knife I ordered?

Got it.

Son of a bitch.

Looks like you're doing better.

Snap out of it. Come on. You're going to be okay. You're going to live.

What happened to me?

My guess is you had a mild cardio infraction.

Wow,

you saved my life.

What now?

What now?

Well, I recommend that you stay away from the fried food.

And you, why don't you take them for a full examination, huh?

And you, Pinky, bring me a bourbon and water.

Thanks.

All right, guys, come on.

Let's go, kids. Show's over. Nothing to see here. Let's go.

Come on.

Let's go have a date.

When's the big date with Troy McCallum?

Not a date. Not a date. What is it? A meeting? A get -together? A con fad,

perhaps.

More like two friends getting together to talk about old times. I see. No

of fact, you are more than welcome to come with me, right? No, no, no, no. You

see, Carol, you're in Troy old times, my old times very different. You guys

swept through high school, like Frank Sinatra and Ava Gardner. I was more like

the guy who played Wojohowicz on Barney Miller.

Max Gale.

Exactly. See, and I don't want to be a geeky third wheel when a big magical

reunion takes place.

I see.

I see. No, she'll be, Ed, you're not geeky. You're not geeky.

That is just so sweet.

That is the worst impression of me I've ever heard. No, it isn't. Seriously,

everybody, I'm proud as I'm proud. I do not sound like that. Mr.

Stevens, do you or do you not own a... What is it that you find so

amusing? Oh, nothing. Sorry, it's just my first time understanding.

That picture on the left is askew.

I'll get wet on that.

As I was saying.

Do you own a laser jet printer, model number 3 ,000... Look, I don't want to

interrupt your little game of Clue here, but why don't we cut to the chase?

I wrote the flyers. I printed the flyers. And I got to say, I'm pretty

proud of the flyers. Did you post them knowing that you'd disrupt business at

Tucker's Appliances?

Knowing, no.

Hoping, yes.

Oh.

So you concocted this childish scheme with the full intention of... Well, I

object that. Of course.

Objection. Overruled. Please continue, Mr. Stansley.

You concocted this childish scheme with the full intention of causing Tucker's

appliances financial damage.

Yes, sir, I did. I was trying to even the score.

You cost them $4 ,600 in business.

Now, how much did your refrigerator cost?

About $300. Oh.

That score doesn't sound so even to me.

Nothing further.

It's like jumped over the counter.

Hey, Warren.

How you doing? Jessica, Sue. What's up?

Not too much.

I was just talking to my friends about the other night in the diner.

The diner?

Yeah, when you saved that guy.

Oh, right.

It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.

You know, it's funny when you hold life in your hands like that.

He realized that life isn't made up of steel or oak.

No, no, it's really much more. It's made up of gossamer silk and

leaves and trees.

You know what I mean?

Yeah. Lilies.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess.

So, are you going to the Christmas party Friday night?

I don't know. I might swing by.

I'm going.

So, maybe I'll see you there? Yeah.

Yeah.

Ladies.

Tucker's appliances failed to make a delivery.

Did Mr.

Stevens ask Tucker's for his money back?

No. Did he sue them?

No.

Instead, he intentionally brought their operations to a halt.

costing them their average daily intake of $4 ,600.

Your Honor, hold him responsible for his actions.

Thank you.

Mr. Stevens, your closing statements.

Your Honor, I recently moved into a new place.

And the previous owner was this wonderful, wonderful elderly gentleman

it turns out...

Hadn't bought a new appliance since, well, since the days when people rode

around on those bikes with the giant front wheel and tiny back wheel.

But anyway, what I had was an icebox.

What I needed was a refrigerator. So I took myself down to Tucker's Appliances,

and I plunked down 300 bucks for a brand new one. What happened next was what

happens to thousands, no, millions of consumers a year.

I was treated like garbage.

Garbage. Now, Mr. Stansley here, he makes a fair point. He says I simply

have sued instead of taking the matters into my own hands. But, you see, Say I

had sued and won. Well, what happens next?

Tucker's Appliances simply pays me some money. But you see, Your Honor, what

they took from me wasn't money.

It was time. 24 hours of time.

Now, you can always make more money.

You can never make more time. It's priceless.

So, the way I look at it, for $4 ,600, Tucker's Appliances got off cheap.

Thank you.

I sympathize with you, Mr. Stevens.

I once spent three hot summer days waiting for an air conditioner in my

underwear. How that air conditioner got in my underwear, I'll never know.

Tip of the hat to Groucho Marx.

Anyway, I intend to use the power of this court to teach Tucker's Appliances

lesson. Mr. Jenkins, your claim of $4 ,600 is denied.

Thank you, Your Honor. I'm not finished.

Mr. Stevens, Tucker's Appliances was not the only victim of your prank.

You wasted the valuable, dare I say...

priceless time of every customer who showed up at that store hoping to win

contest. I'm going to require that you send each of them a handwritten letter

apology, 100 words or more.

I know, it sounds a little like third grade, but it's all I could think of.

Court adjourned.

He's got the wife and the family, the big job. Oh, I bet he looks great. I'm

walking into a lion's den.

Walking into a lion's den? Who talks like that?

I was using an analogy for dramatic effect.

Well done, well done. Um, whatever happened to... Oh, it was ten years ago.

cares about Troy McCallum? That was before I knew I'd have to sit across

him and have his fabulous life jammed down my throat.

Okay. Honey, there is nothing wrong with your life.

I know.

I know.

I know, but you know the last words that jerk said to me were, I've outgrown

you. And lo and behold, here he comes.

With the wife and the kids and the job and the Portuguese water dog. And what

I have?

None of the above.

I'm still right here in Stuckyville. I teach at the high school, no less.

He has outgrown me.

God, I hope he's bald.

Okay, okay.

Let me ask you a simple question that I already know your answer to.

Are you happier now or when you were in high school?

Now.

I mean, maybe not at this exact moment, but yeah, now, right.

Right. Now, think about that, Carol.

Okay, back then, you were prom queen, and you were head cheerleader, and you

graduated, like, fourth in our class.

I mean, you had everything a human being could want, and yet you are happier now

than you were back then. I mean, does that tell you anything about yourself?

Okay. So I've grown a little bit since high school.

Let me ask you something.

All right, shoot.

Would you call this an outfit, or is it more of an ensemble?

Sort of.

Ed,

you called? We came. What can we do for you?

You guys remember someone from high school named Troy McCallum? Oh, God, who

could forget Troy McCallum?

Total stud.

I hated that kid.

Not as much as me.

You had reason to hate him.

A mighty dog of a reason.

Mighty dog of a reason. That's very clever, Michael. Thank you.

I remember that.

I'm proud to announce that after 10 years, it's finally payback time.

You made me eat a can of dog food, I'm going to make him eat a can of dog food.

It's omerta.

Eddie, that's not what omerta means.

I'm going to meet him and Carol Vessi for a few drinks. I'm going to slide the

waiter a couple of bucks to bring over this special pate and cracker combo,

except pate?

It's actually dog food.

Troy won't know it's dog food. Carol won't know it's dog food. And Troy

is going to eat every last one of these suckers. I'm going to sit back quietly

and enjoy my own private revenge.

Hey, hey.

Ten bucks if you... He's good?

The kid is good.

Carol Vestey.

Troy.

Hey.

Get out.

Wow.

Wow.

Can I get you folks anything?

Sparkling water, please.

A nice cold beer, sweetheart. Keep them coming.

Oh, my God, if I had a nickel for every time I heard you say that.

You know what I was thinking about on my way over here?

What's that?

Do you remember the night that Gordy Sepulchre got his ass stuck in the

toboggan? I had forgotten that.

Yeah.

Well, tell me more about you.

So what have you been up to these past ten years?

Well, let's see.

When we left off, you had just dumped me for Claire Smiley.

So the next day, I just...

curled up in a little ball and I've been crying in my room ever since. Yeah,

right. I just talked to Claire Smiley.

She's working at the Antique Roadshow. That television program.

Yeah, she's in charge of the lamps.

Wow. Thank you.

And you have a family. Thanks, sweetheart.

Yeah, yeah. Got a wife, you know, kids, SUV, the whole shaboo.

And you, still footloose and fancy free.

Still letting the good times roll, huh?

I've sort of been holding out for Mr. Wright.

Hi, guys. I'm Er. Hello.

Ted Baxter, the old Mary Tyler Moore show.

You said you're holding out for Mr. Wright, and I just showed up right at

exact moment. Ted Baxter, the old Mary Tyler Moore show. It's the funniest

humanly possible.

Ed? Yeah? Did you want to join us? Sure, okay, for a bit.

He's okay.

Troy, do you remember Ed Stevens? He was also in our class at Stuckyville.

Ed Stevens. That's right.

Did you used to have a mohawk?

No, no, that was Eric Stammen. Right, Eric Stammen. He's in prison.

Really? Yeah, yeah. Something about scratch -off lottery tickets.

Yeah, well, I remember you, Troy.

You were the man. King. Good guy.

BMOC. Star.

Troy McCallum.

Superstar.

Hey, it's a Stuckyville High School.

Oh, beer always tastes better in Stuckyville.

Okay, gentlemen, it's time.

Time for what?

Time to talk the talk and walk the walk.

Hold my due.

Hey, Jessica.

Hi, Warren.

This is pure madness.

Hey, looks like the lunatics are running the asylum tonight, huh?

What?

Said it looks like the lunatics are, uh...

Oh, Tim Cooper.

Who would have thought this guy right here could be such a damn hero, huh?

you have a judgment here. Couldn't get over that act of bravery at the night of

the diamond, could you, sweetheart?

There's nothing really. Nothing?

Don't sell yourself short, boy. You're a damn hero.

I mean, look at this guy right here, huh?

No offense, but to the naked eye, you're really a loser. And here you are saving

a life.

Knock it off, dude. Knock it off? We are in the presence of a hero. Granted, he

looks, smells, and acts like a loser, but in fact, hero.

I'm not a hero.

You're the hero.

Come on.

I think you're one of the best quarterbacks we had in school. I think

awesome.

All right.

Whatever, man.

No,

seriously.

You can really throw a football.

We're cool. Because I know I can't throw a football.

But you, I mean, you can really throw one.

When you throw it, it's like on a rope, you know? It's just right there.

I mean, you don't have an arm so much as a gun.

You've got like a big gun right here.

No, no, no, a rifle.

You've got a rifle. This guy has a rifle.

Actually, you know what?

That's a really good nickname.

People should start calling you that, the Rifleman.

Hey, Rifleman, what are you doing tonight? You know, like a...

Rifleman, you going to the party tonight?

Stuff like that.

And would you look at the Rifleman's muscles?

Oh, my Lord, they're huge.

You have huge muscles.

What are you benching these days, Rifleman? What, like 200?

It's got to be 200. 220?

Ow! Come on, Rifleman. What's the matter, Rifleman?

Don't be so modest, Rifleman. You got big muscles.

You got big pectorals.

Peck muscles.

Enjoy them, you know? You should be proud because you are not like... the

of us.

You, my friend, are the Rifleman!

Ha -ha!

Yeah!

Dude.

Rifleman, I'll kick your ass.

If I'm lying, I'm dying. I'm telling you, this pancake was as big as his

Oh. And the girls with the maple syrup?

Oh, man, Eddie.

Gas up the car and drive me home.

Mr. McAllen?

Oh, wow.

The manager wanted you to enjoy these complimentary hors d 'oeuvres.

Look at that.

He was a big fan of the Stuckyville Toreadors back when you led them to the

state championship.

Isn't that nice?

You tell him if he needs a football sign for his kid or something, you just let

me know.

Okay.

Look at that. They even remember my good old number nine. Those guys.

That was kind of funny.

Well, here goes.

You just ate dog food.

You just ate dog food, my friend. This man here just ate dog food. You just ate

dog food. How does that feel, Mr. Quarterback? It's people.

Ed. Yes, sir.

You ate dog food. What is this all about? I think my man Troy here knows

this is about.

I don't think I do.

Oh, come on, Troy.

You're trying to tell me you don't remember the time you and your goons

down in high school, made me eat a can of dog food? I did that.

He made you eat dog food? That's right.

Boy, those were the good old days.

Do you remember the time we played Midnight Marco Polo in Stephanie O

pool? And Godfrey comes out butt naked, screaming, For the love of God, I need

fam!

Oh. Those were the days.

How many times in our lives have we sat here?

Plenty.

We really were the king and the queen back then, weren't we?

Yeah. I guess we were.

Funny.

Out there in the world, I got a great wife, I got great kids, a good job.

It didn't turn out pretty much the way I wanted it to.

Yet there's something about those four years in high school.

All those sweet, sweet memories.

And I realized no matter what I do, I'll never be happier than I was back then.

You ever feel that way?

I should be heading back.

Yeah.

Do you remember the time Frank Cacuzzi drove to school on his old man's power

mower? God, that guy was hilarious.

He had a shirt on his head like a bandana and he was singing Georgie Girl.

I mean, why Georgie Girl? Why not Eye of the Tiger and the Star Spangled Banner?

Georgie, girl.

I just don't feel like my parents understand me.

They're listening to you, but they're not hearing you.

Exactly. Phil, should you not be at the shoe counter?

Bosco, I'm helping the young people.

Oh, lucky them.

Hi.

Hey, Carol, how are you? I was just on my way home. I wanted to find out if the

big bowling party was a success. Yeah, solid gold.

Hey, how'd things finish up with big Troy McCallum?

I kind of feel sorry for him. Yeah, I know what you mean.

I was still looking forward to my little juvenile dog food revenge, and then

suddenly I realized, what's the point, you know?

Ed? Yeah?

If I had to do it all over again, I would go out with you instead of Troy

McCallum.

Really?

I just wanted to say goodbye.

Hey, are you leaving?

I was just going to come over there.

I'm going to take off.

Oh, maybe we could grab a bite or... Actually, a couple of us are going to

over to Mark Vanderflip's house.

Oh, really?

Oh, cool. So I could maybe stop by and meet you guys there and hang.

Yeah, you know, it's not really my party, so I don't know if I can, you

Right.

Oh, okay, I see. I get it.

That's cool, cool.

Cool.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Some guys are losers, but I invent whole new ways of being a loser.

I should be voted into the loser hall of fame.

Now, Warren, do you have any idea what you did here tonight?

You did something that I never had the gut to do when I was your age.

You seized the day.

You stood up. You took your shot.

You can sleep easy tonight, my man. No regrets.

What's the point?

What's the point?

Tim Cooper is an overdeveloped jackass.

Tim Cooper is a self -centered thug.

But at the end of the day, who does Jessica Martel leave the party with?

Ding, ding, ding, ding.

Cooper, because girls like Jessica Martel, they always leave the party with

like Tim Cooper.

Warren, but there's one detail you got wrong there.

This isn't the end of the day.

Why is it then?

It's just the first half.

Guys like Tim Cooper, they always win the first half.

What happens in the second half?

In the second half, Tim Cooper winds up selling pharmaceuticals, spending all

his time thinking back on how great high school was.

What about me? What happened to me?

You get the girl.