Original subtitles

Thought he had the perfect life.

Attorney at a prestigious law firm.

Loving wife.

Plenty of hope.

That is, until now.

Mr. Farmer, Mr. Sheehan, I am already well aware of my mistake.

I misplaced a comma.

I did this, I take full responsibility for it.

Gentlemen, one misplaced comma in a 500 -page contract.

This happens to the best of them.

Right? We're letting you go.

What?

That comma cost the firm $1 .6 million.

At least his wife's at home to comfort him.

Oh, my God. You're the mailman. He's not the mailman. He's a mailman. He just

happens to be one.

He met a couple of weeks ago at Starbucks.

What? Now he's drowning his sorrows in high school memories.

Oh, Bessie.

She's so pretty.

At times like these, there's only one place to go. Back home to Stuckyville.

To see old friends.

To visit the old high school. Stephen? I heard Carol Bessie teaches here. Is

that true? You and Carol Bessie were friends?

I don't know if I'd call us friends exactly. It was more like we were...

Strangers. And ask out the girl he's always dreamed of. Yes. Carol Bessie, my

name is Ed Stephens, and I would like to take you out to dinner tonight.

Who are you?

Ed. Stephen.

You like Italian food?

I don't think I know you, Ed Stephens.

We went to high school together.

Oh, God.

Carol. Come on. Mr. Stanton.

Who the hell are you?

It's Stephen.

I had you for sophomore English. I used to think you were the coolest teacher of

all time. So cool.

Yeah, great.

Carol, come on, baby, don't be like this. I've got an explanation.

I don't want to hear any more of your explanations, Nick. You've been gone for

three days. Three days, not a word from you. I can't do this anymore, Nick.

Call Mr. Stanton, Nick.

And if at first you don't succeed... Look left, little Ed.

Try. Do you want to go to the pond?

I haven't been to the pond at night since I was in high school.

And try again.

How about if I blow a straight back with my eyes closed between my legs and go

to the pond then?

What? Knock him down, Ed!

There he goes!

Well,

you see what's happening here, don't you?

What's that?

I'm starting to grow on you.

And on his last night in town, Ed Stevens found out sometimes you do get a

second chance.

How about the bowling alley? You didn't do this because of what happened last

night, did you?

What are you nuts? Of course not. Okay.

My entire life by a bowling alley simply because we did.

You're too much.

Watching the wild...

No, Ed, they have these things nowadays for moving. What are they called?

Oh, yeah, boxes.

Now you tell me.

Hey, Mike, I've been thinking.

You know, I really want to pay you guys rent.

There's no way we're taking your money.

I know.

That's why I offered.

Sometimes after she eats, she has a tendency to get a little colicky. So if

fusses, here's what I like to do.

I pick her up like this, and I see love.

And I hold her straight out, up and down. I know it seems crazy, but it

works. I get my face real close to her, then I go, ah.

It'll be just like those sleepovers we used to have, remember?

Staying up all night, eating pizza, playing Atari.

Right until you fell asleep and crazy glueing your hand to Jerry Herman's ass.

Jerry Herman's hand to my ass. That makes you feel better?

A little bit.

So do

you think I should call Carol today?

Sure, why not? I think I should hold off for a bit. Let her dangle. Make her

wonder if I'm interested. Ed, I'm a married man. I'm done with that strategy

crap. Because I got the mo now. The big mo. I got the momentum.

I don't want to move too slow. Too slow? Ed, your wife dumped you, what, two

weeks ago? She didn't dump me, okay? Slept with a mailman, yes, but I dumped

her. Relax, buddy. I'm on your side.

Hello, Sarah.

This is your mommy.

And this is Mommy Vision.

Broadcasting live from Mommy World.

All mommy.

All the time. Joanne, just let this video play all day. And then when it

just rewind it and play it again. At three o 'clock, can I watch Queen

Sure.

What the hell is this?

I taped myself reading some children's books because I thought it might help

Sarah get through the day without me.

That's not because you're worried she doesn't recognize you anymore?

No, Mike, it has nothing to do with me. This is for Sarah.

It's underground.

Into the night we shine.

Light in the way we drive by.

Catch me if I get too high.

Sorry, buddy, we're not open yet. I'm going to have to ask you to vacate the

premises. Who are you? I work here. They call me Phil. That's like my street

name. Street name? Real name is Philip.

Dropped the ip in high school. Never looked back.

And you are?

I'm Ed Stevens, the new owner.

I'm sorry.

Would you mind repeating that?

I said, I'm Ed Stevens, the new owner.

Danny Thomas.

The man was a comic genius.

So, have you heard? Heard what?

Mr. Edward Stevens is backing down.

Oh, really?

Oh, really. That's it? That's all you got?

I could throw in a that's nice if it would make you happy. Come on, Carol.

You mean to tell me you're not interested in him?

No, not in that way.

And you don't feel any sort of obligation?

Oh, why should I?

Because you kissed the guy and he bought a bowling alley. Oh, Molly, please. It

did not happen that way at all, and you know it. Well, you're lucky you didn't

sleep with him. He would have got a strip mall.

Okay, so you live on Lane 16. My landlord and I had some creative

All right, well, you just move that all the way when the customers show up,

right? Customers? No, the bowlers. Oh, Ed, no, no, no, no. This place is as

as my Aunt Frances.

What? No, I was in here a couple of weeks ago, and it was busy as hell.

must have been late night, dude. Once a month.

Do you want to buy some steaks?

What? Kobe beef, my friend. Imported from Japan. So tender you can eat it

spoon. Japanese, they call this red gold.

Talk to me.

This is all very bad.

Plus, things are really good with me and Nick right now. And today is... Oh,

he's taking me away for the weekend.

Well, that's great.

All right, I'm going to dissect some frogs now. Have fun. Okay, class. First

to faint gets a lollipop.

Hey, Kat.

Miss Fessy. Warren.

Listen, um, I know that you're probably really busy molding the future of

America. But, uh, I was wondering if I could get some help after class.

With what?

With, um, well, I'd love to get your take on the great Bard of Avalon.

With Shakespeare, I mean. Yeah, yeah, I got that. Um, you know what, Warren? My

schedule is really tight today. Victor?

Um, Warren, what do you say we get together after class tomorrow?

Are you serious? Sure.

All right, cool.

Whatever.

Cool.

Okay.

Well, hello, everybody.

I'm sure by now the staff is all abuzz with rumors about me, or you're probably

wondering, hmm, who is this Ed Stevens?

Well, let me tell you.

Ed Stevens is one of you.

That's right.

He was raised right here in Stuckyville. Spent his high school summers behind

that there counter, and then one day he moved to New York City, became a lawyer,

took himself a wife.

You're probably thinking, well, then, Ed Stevens is living the American dream,

right? Wrong.

Ed Stevens was stuck in a back office proofreading contracts for 90 hours a

week, and then one day, out of the blue, fired.

You know, come home and find my wife sleeping with another guy.

You know, probably thinking, worst day of my life, right? Wrong again.

Best day of my life.

Best day.

Do you know why?

Because it brought me back to where I was supposed to be.

Right here.

Ed came home.

Anyway. Well, that's my story.

Okay.

Who's next?

That's good. That chair thing's very cash. Puts us all on the same level.

Thanks, Phil.

You, sir.

What's your name?

Kenny. And what should we know about Kenny?

Anything at all?

Hobbies, favorite dessert, just breaking the ice here.

I got a whistling lung.

Okay.

And... Oh, oh, oh, okay, good. Ice broken. Right.

Okay. How about you?

What's your name?

Shirley.

And what's special about Shirley?

I got a kitty named Kenny.

Huh. Which is funny, because his name's Kenny.

But I didn't name it after him, though. I didn't name it after anyone.

I just call him Kenny, because Kenny the kitty sounds so good, you know.

Here, kitty.

Kitty, kitty.

Hi, Doc.

Hi, Mr. Potter. What's wrong today?

My taste buds are on the blink. Everything I eat tastes like Canadian

Does that include Canadian bacon?

I'll be right with you.

Now, Wendy, morning, Dr. Jerome.

It's for you.

Hello? At the tone, the time will be 9 .07 and 40 seconds.

Wendy, do office hours still begin at 9 a .m. or... Yes, Dr. Jerome.

I'm seven minutes late. I'm sorry.

No, no, no. I'm sorry.

I was unaware that we've changed to a flex time system.

I myself have never done it that way. In the course of building a 38 -year -old

practice, it's been my experience that the patients like the doctors to be here

on time.

But hey, if this is the way we want to do it... Again, I apologize for being

seven minutes late, Dr. Jerome. No, no, no. We'll do it your way.

Wendy, tomorrow I'll be in at 9 .22.

No, at 10 .16.

Actually, you know what?

Call all my patients and tell them that I'll be in whenever the spirit moves me.

I want that man to die.

Think he'll die soon, Wendy?

Now, people, what we have here is a bad bowling alley. Question, how do we turn

a bad bowling alley into a good bowling alley?

Who's going to get us started?

Don't be shy.

There are no bad ideas.

Yes, Shirley.

We could get Sammy Davis Jr. to come and perform here.

Shirley, Sammy Davis Jr.

is dead.

Oh.

Yes, jackpot! Ding, ding, ding! Thank you, Brain!

You're welcome, Phil!

Free legal advice for anyone who comes in in bowls.

Okay, Phil, remember how I said there were no bad ideas?

I was wrong. Bosco, ours is a litigious society, and you, my friend, are a legal

eagle, just like Deborah Winger.

Phil, I'm not actually practicing law anymore. We charge two bucks a game,

game minimum. That's six U .S. dollars per client, my friend. We will all have

butlers and yachts. Whoa,

customer. Look alive. Look alive. Customer. Hey, hey, hey! Welcome to

Stuckyball! Woo!

Can I interest anyone in a scone?

You know how you go to a department store and they have an irregular rack?

Irregular. That's my staff.

Hey, here's all you need to know about being a boss.

Better to be feared than loved.

That's Prince Machiavelli.

No, that's The Prince by Machiavelli. What's Prince Machiavelli? They make

perfume. Are they successful?

I guess. Well, there you go.

And I'd love to help you out here, but I'm extremely hungry.

How are you doing?

Sorry. Oh, Carol.

Hi, Mike. How are you? Good. How are you?

Hey. Ed.

Hi. How are you?

I'm good. I'm great.

Good. Great. Good.

Got some coffee there, I see. Yeah, yeah. You know, the stuff in the

lounge is just... So I am.

Good coffee here, though.

Yeah. The best in town. It really is. Have you tried the hazelnut? No. Should

Well, that depends. Do you like hazelnut? I love them.

I love them.

You know, a hazelnut and a filbert are two different names for the same nut.

No, I did not know that. I wouldn't either, except I worked in a fresh

nut store in college.

You'll pick up on that kind of thing, working in a fresh roasted nut store.

Carol, come on.

I've got to get going. Yeah, me too.

But I'm going to see you around.

Okay, good.

You're here.

I'm here.

Okay. Okay.

Bye now.

Come on, they got pork chops.

Ooh, I ate so much.

Upside 35, first down.

Who thinks Ed's cool?

Aw, really? Oh, that's so kind, Sarah. Thank you. Hey, who thinks Nick

a loser?

What? I couldn't agree more.

Sarah Shaw, karate so you know.

Hoi! Karate so hoi!

Ed, you're hogging my baby.

Get one of your own. Yeah, that isn't going to happen anytime soon.

Ed, have you spoken to Liz since, you know... Since she, um, slept with a

mailman? No. I think you should talk to her. See what she has to say. Liz isn't

a bad person. She's not a bad kisser either.

Mike! What a joke. Took his mind off his troubles.

See, this is what a marriage should be. What, two people who never have sex?

Mike, I just had a baby!

Four months ago, honey. At some point in the store's got to reopen for business

or else you lose customers.

Wow.

Good comeback, honey.

You shouldn't have to see this.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a lawyer in the room. Here he is, the attorney on

a journey.

Ed, Lee, Bailey, step aside, people. The lawyer is it.

Phil, what's going on? This is your new law office. Here, put this on.

What? Come on, man, it's your lawyer wig.

I got him for everybody.

I say, objection, Your Honor, objection.

Say, Phil, I'm pretty sure I remember saying no to this idea. No, come on,

look at all these customers. You can't send these people away.

I even got you a diploma.

My last name's not Dershowitz.

Dude, they don't know that.

I've been waiting 45... No, there's been a... My next -door neighbor is stealing

my driveway gravel. I understand, but see, this gentleman... I brought

How much gravel is he stealing, sir? Woo!

My man is lawyering now!

Here comes the judge! Here comes the judge!

Order in the court, because here comes the judge!

Judge and lawyer are two different things.

Okay. Dr. Burton, Mr. Fiedler is here for his scalp treatment.

Come in.

Two minutes, please, Wendy.

Hey, Nance.

What's wrong? You okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, honey, you were right this morning.

I've been neglecting my marital responsibilities. I just haven't been

very sexy.

That's okay. I was just teasing.

Let's wait until you're ready.

I hope.

I think I am ready.

Tonight's the night, honey. Me and you are getting it on.

Tonight could be tough, honey. I've got a 50 -page article to read in the

medical journal.

Please, sit down.

Relax. Enjoy each other's company. It's not as though there's a patient waiting.

I'm sorry, Dr. Jerome. No need to apologize.

Wendy!

I made them myself.

Uh, shall I cut off your crust, Dr. Burton?

Uh, no thanks.

Very well, then. Have a lovely midday break.

Always a pleasure, Mrs. Barton.

They've just been served sarcastic sandwiches.

From here on in, it'll be goodbye hamburger and hello straight burger.

What do you think, Kenny?

You're a regular P .T. Barnum. Thank you, sir.

Ed.

Hey, Molly, how are you? I'm good.

Good. Listen, um...

I found this on my car. Is this for real? You're actually opening up a law

office in here?

Bill.

Bill! Because I need a lawyer.

Well, then you've come to the right bowling alley.

You're being sued.

Yeah, I'm freaking out.

Stangleton Brothers Auto Repair, $1 ,600.

$1 ,600, and they ruined my car.

Here, get in.

What's wrong with it?

Okay. Are you ready? Guess so.

The claim that I asked for this. I didn't ask for this. Why would somebody

for this? Please turn this off.

Will you take the case? Molly, I'm not that kind of lawyer, okay? I've never

actually even been to court.

I will not turn it off until you take the case. I'll do it.

Okay.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

All right, now, Molly, it's time for me to ask you a favor.

Okay, sure. Tell me if Carol said anything about me.

You know, I would really rather not get involved. Come on, Molly. You owe me.

I'm the only thing standing between you and the big house.

Ed, you just split up with your wife. Don't you think you need a little time

work through this before moving on to Carol?

No. You know, she and Nick Stanton are very serious.

I know all about Nick Stanton, all right? And this is why I think I need to

something big with Carol. I need to hit her with a bolo punch.

What? The haymaker, all right? She needs to be razzled ass stunned.

Bam! Then she's all, oh, I don't know where I am. I'm really groggy and I'll

out with you, Ed.

Yeah.

And this has worked for you in the past?

Oh, Molly, if you're not born with the broad shoulders and the strong jawline,

there's only one way to get the girl.

You make a complete ass out of yourself.

So the plan is to make an ass out of yourself?

No, no, no, no.

A complete ass.

Love me, my love, and say oh my.

Kiss me and hold me tight.

Let's make the most of tonight.

Jell -O is served.

I made you Jell -O, Carol.

Um, Warren, I am the teacher and you are the student, so that makes it Miss

Bessie, okay?

See, I think you gotta start thinking outside the box.

Okay, class, The Merchant of Venice.

Who wants to read first?

Warren.

I am a Jew.

Hath not a Jew eyes?

Hath not a Jew hands?

Organs?

Dimensions?

Affections?

Passions?

If you prick us,

We do not bleed.

We do not bleed.

Do you think we could take this outside?

But, my lady, I beseech thee. Ed!

I am begging you.

Very well. Fair one.

Class, if you could just excuse me if I'll do that. And, Warren, continue

reading.

Sucks!

What's up all night carving jello?

Sucks! Ed, this is a very sweet gesture. Really, it is. But this is my

workplace, and frankly, I find this a little embarrassing. Go out with me

tonight. I can't. You see, I have plans with my boyfriend. Remember my

boyfriend? Oh, yeah. I remember your boyfriend.

Complicated, Nick.

It's actually pretty hot in there. How about tomorrow night? I'm going away for

the weekend. I'm sorry.

But look what I've done here today. I'm adorable.

Yes, but I'm in a relationship, like I told you. Oh, Carol, you're in the wrong

relationship. Oh, really?

Your boyfriend, Nick Stanton? Okay.

He's one of those sexy, mysterious, brooding artists. Look, everyone, I'm

Hemingway type.

I understand the initial feel, but what I'm trying to say is it's not for you in

the long run. It's not for me in the... No.

How would you know?

We didn't say two words to each other all of high school. Ten years passes,

wife leaves you, and I am very sorry about that. Suddenly you come back into

town and you're an expert on what kind of relationship I should be having.

But you kissed me.

Yes, I kissed you.

I kissed you. And I don't know why I kissed you. It was just sort of like an

-the -moment kind of a thing.

You didn't have to go by a bowling alley because of it.

I did not buy a bowling alley because you kissed me, okay? I bought a bowling

alley because... It just so happens I love the game.

Ah, you love the game. Yes, I do. When played correctly, it's really quite

beautiful. I see.

Ed. Yeah?

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Hey.

Hi, Nick.

Who's that? New football mascot?

Oh, no, no. He's just a friend.

I'm sorry, baby, but I can't go this weekend.

Why? Got it right.

What are you talking about?

You know how Chapter 17's been kicking me in the ass? Well, I'm about to do a

little kicking of my own.

But we have been planning this for a week. I realize that, and I'm sorry,

hey, you know how it is. I don't tell the words when to come. I just write

down when they do.

Doesn't this mean anything to you at all?

You know it does. I just have to finish this book.

Please. Understand.

Okay. I'll call you.

Eddie's at the bowling alley.

Sarah's asleep.

It's just me and you.

Nance, I really got to read this thing by tomorrow.

Honey, six long months.

That damn must be ready to burst.

Honey, I really can't. I got to read this thing by in Patago. Seriously. Oh,

Mike, I love it when you talk about skin conditions.

Come on, Nance.

Honey, you are the one who is always saying, Honey.

Store's got to reopen for business. Well, guess what? One night only. We are

having a going -out -of -business sale. We have lost our lease.

Everything must go.

Hey, Nancy, don't think I don't know what's going on here.

What? I wasn't born yesterday.

You see, you know I'm too busy to have sex. You're pretending to want to have

sex, even though you don't really want to have sex. What? That's right. You're

trying to get credit for having sex without actually having to have sex.

It's genius.

So, Mike, call my bluff. Come on. Let's have sex. Can't a man read about

impetigo?

Miss Hudson, what do you have for me? Cash, traveler's checks, gold bullion?

can you sue me? I didn't ask you to make my car hop. Look, lady, if you're here

to pay me, pay me. If not, get out of my garage.

Mr. Stangleton, let's just relax and we'll talk this through, okay?

You're the little diplomat.

Hey, Roy, how about a vodka for Dr.

Kissinger? Coming right up, Benji.

Look. I brought my car in. I asked you to change the oil filter and give me a

tune -up. And then you call me and tell me that I need a new alternator, and I

said fine.

There was never any discussion of making my car hop. It says right here on your

contract, oil filter, tune -up, alternator, hydraulic. Why don't we

this, guys, okay?

Maybe it's your mistake, and maybe somehow it's our mistake, but really,

this look like a lady who subscribes to Lowrider magazine?

More like Bon Appetit. Oh, please, don't make me kick your ass.

We're done here. Let's go, Molly.

See you in court, boys.

See you in court. Very smooth.

Yeah, but the guy's never been inside a courtroom.

Bye -bye.

All right, I'm done

bowling. Let's redraft my will. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Everybody freeze. Let me see that score sheet.

Ed, cease and desist immediately. This man has not pulled three games. He is

therefore not entitled to free legal counsel.

All right, fine. I'll just pay for the third game.

What is it, two bucks?

What? Go bowl.

Come in here.

I know.

Carol.

Ed. Welcome to Stuckyball.

So, you, uh, you own a bowling alley. Yes.

Yes, I do. All the pins, all the balls, all the shoes, all mine.

I'm sitting on top of the world.

Ed.

Would you have dinner with me tomorrow night?

Uh,

Carol, you remember the guy in the suit of armor?

Yeah. That was me. I know. Same guy. I know. Okay, just making sure.

So would you?

Ed?

Ed! Hang on, I'm playing hard to get.

Oh.

Just give me a few more seconds. Uh -huh.

Okay, yes, I will.

Good.

Um, what time?

Eight o 'clock? Where?

Um, Smokehouse Billy's place for ribs.

I'll be there.

Great.

Nice work, Bosco.

Please stop calling me Bosco.

Ed, I got a problem. What's the matter?

You know, Nancy and I haven't had sex since Sarah was born. So I've heard.

Nancy's not the reason. I am. What do you mean?

Ever since Nancy had the baby, I...

Yeah. Except I don't find her attractive anymore. I do. I really do.

She's beautiful.

Beautiful. Very beautiful. Nancy, are you kidding me? Completely beautiful.

Problem is, now she's not just Nancy. She's also Sarah's mom. Oh? So sex.

Sex has got to be a little dirty.

I think we all know that.

Stangleton Brothers Auto versus Molly Hudson. Mr. Stangleton, you installed

hydraulics in Miss Hudson's car at a cost of $1 ,600?

Yes, Your Honor. And she refuses to pay.

Why won't you pay them?

Because they're lying. I never asked... Your Honor, my name is Ed Stevens. I'm

representing Miss Hudson. Of course, Mr. Stevens, the bowling alley lawyer.

Your Honor, just so you understand, the term bowling alley lawyer suggests that

I specialize in bowling alley -related cases. Not so. I own a bowling alley. I

am a lawyer. Two separate things.

Duly noted, Mr. Stevens.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Now, my client refuses to pay simply because she never asked for hydraulics

be installed in her car.

Well, I am holding a service contract here that says that she ordered a tune

-up, an oil filter, an alternator, and hydraulics. Can you explain this, Mr.

Stevens? I believe I can.

May I call the witness?

Your Honor, Ms.

Hudson here has hired herself a big -time New York City lawyer who expects

traipse on into our little courthouse.

In our little town of Stuckyville, with his fancy cell phones and fax machines,

wielding his own brand of New York City justice.

Sam, what is with the get -up and the southern accent? Take off the hat. You

look ridiculous.

Amanda, I'm trying to do my job.

Well, you're off to a flying start.

Go ahead, Mr. Stevens.

Thank you, Your Honor.

The defense calls Benjamin Socrates Stangleton to the stand.

Tune up. Oil filter.

Alternator.

Hydraulics. Mr. Stangleton.

How can you be so sure you do not add the hydraulics by mistake?

Because we write everything down on the contract right when it's ordered.

Of course you do.

And did you at any time place a telephone call to Ms. Hudson?

Yes, I did. I called her and I told her she needed the alternator. And she

agreed to this?

Yes, she did.

So, when my client came to your shop, she first ordered the tune -up, the oil

filter, the hydraulics, then you called her and she ordered the alternator, yes?

Yes, sir.

Tune -up, oil filter, hydraulics, then alternator.

Tune -up.

Oil filter, hydraulics, then alternator.

Could you read the service contract for the court, please?

Tune -up, oil filter, alternator, hydraulics.

Alternator, hydraulics. Interesting.

Something troubles me about that, Mr. Stangleton. Perhaps you can help me out.

When my client comes to your shop, yours is the tune -up, the oil filter, the

hydraulics, then the alternator. Yet here, we have alternator, then

How can that be?

It's curious.

Confusing, isn't it? I don't understand. So confused.

Wait a minute.

What about this?

What about another customer orders a hydraulics, you accidentally place them

my client's car, then to cover yourself, you tack them on to the bottom of this

service contract?

Could that be it, Mr. Stangleton?

May I see that?

He never read them as rates. I think he's got you, Socrates.

Forget the $1 ,600.

Take out the hydraulics. Give her $500 for her trouble.

Don't let me see you here again.

Oh, Ed, that was great. You made him dance like a monkey. Please, Miss

it's what I do.

Oh, look at you acting all cool.

Admit it, you love it.

You're right, I love it.

And I owe it all to you, my first client. Thank you, Molly.

You're welcome.

So... Molly told me that you were actually amazing today.

Oh, I don't know, Carol. You know, is there ever one of those days when you

the big epiphany and suddenly you know what you're supposed to be doing in

Um, no, not yet.

Well, for me, anyway, today was one of those days.

I'm gonna do this.

Do what?

I'm gonna open my own law practice.

What, really?

Well, I mean, today was just so cool, you know? Like, man to man, mano a mano.

Me versus a guy named Benji.

Mano a Benji.

And then your bowling alley, you're just going to sell it? God, no. No, I love

that place. No, no. This is my plan. I'm going to have the best of both worlds.

Ah. Oh, thank you. Let me get this straight. You're going to open up a law

practice inside a bowling alley? Yes.

Yes. You see? Like they have Starbucks inside bookstores? Yeah.

Law practice inside a bowling alley.

Right. It's a new millennium, Carol.

It sure is.

Thank you, small cow's belly.

Well, then I would like to make a toast.

Okay. To the world's first bowling alley lawyer.

I'm actually going to try and stay away from that phrase.

That's probably good thinking.

There was this one time in junior high when I came up to you and sat next to

in the library, and I had this crossword puzzle, and I just started filling it

out with random letters, pretending I knew all the answers, trying to make you

think I was some kind of crossword puzzle genius.

I have no recollection of that. Why didn't you just say something to me?

You know, there must be a good reason. I can't quite recall what it would be.

Oh, that's right. I was terrified.

Ah, I see. Well, it was high school.

I had my share of killer crushes back then, too. The only difference being all

you had to do was walk up to the guy in question and say, I'm Carol Bessie. I

have a crush on you. Begin dating me now.

Yeah, right, exactly, because I am Carol Bessie, and everything in my life turns

out to be exactly as I am.

Hey, we weren't going to do this.

I'm about to say something which could ruin what has been up to now a near

-perfect date.

Near -perfect date? I thought the onion loaf was a little soggy.

What?

Why are you out here with me if you're in love with Nick Stanton?

I don't want to talk about Nick Stanton.

Talk about Nick Nolte? No.

Is that off -limits, too?

I thought he was fabulous in The Prince of Ties.

Yes. Yes, he was good.

I don't know.

What's this?

I just had a make -up the other night.

Shouldn't you be reading about scurvy or something?

Scurvy can wait.

By the way, great chicken, honey.

I'll show you great chicken.

Nice double entendre.

I'll show you a nice double entendre.

My cake?

Yeah, honey.

Honey, are you okay?

Oh, yeah, no, I'm just concentrating. I'm kissing and stuff.

Oh, okay.

Well, Carol, I guess this is good night.

Yeah, yeah. Thanks for dinner. Thanks for not ordering an appetizer.

Are you crying?

Why are you crying? You could have had an appetizer.

You are very, very nice.

I apologize?

Ed. Yes?

What went wrong in your marriage?

Well, I... was so good in bed.

I was so skillful in the art of lovemaking that my wife just couldn't

The poor woman was in over her head. It was sad, really.

I see. You're not buying that? No, no.

My wife, Liz, had... has... three tiny little freckles on her cheek

right here.

And... when we went on our first date, I nicknamed them Moe, Larry, and Curly.

When she would smile, she would get this really big dimple, and Larry would just

plump disappear.

So instead of ever asking, how are you, I would always ask, how's Larry?

You know, sometimes two people can fall so completely in love and yet be so

completely wrong for one another.

It's fate's nasty side, I guess.

Yeah.

Mm -hmm.

Do you want to come inside?

I can't.

Oh. Oh, no, because that's fine. No, because, Carol, I can't help but think

you and I are on a double date here.

You know?

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah. How do you think Nick and Liz are getting along about now?

Oh.

Good night, Carol. Good

night.

can keep