Original subtitles

- [Sally] My turn, I wanna look one up.

- [Marilyn] What are you looking up?

- [Sally] Voy, voyeur.

- [Marilyn] Oh, B-O-Y-Y.

- [Sally] Here it is.

- [Marilyn] Well read it.

- [Sally] Voyeur, one, a person who habit,

habitually seeks sexual stim, stimulation

by visual means.

Wait, there's more.

Two, a prying observer who is usually seeking

the sordid or the scan, scan--

- [Marilyn] Scandalous.

- [Sally] Scandalous.

Three, one affected with undue visual curiosity.

Who does that remind you of?

- [Marilyn] I don't know.

- [Sally] Alex, Alex Carson.

(crickets chirping)

- [Mrs. White] Sally, I found the box with your drapes.

(crickets chirping)

(bell dinging)

- All right!

(soft dramatic music)

Damn!

(upbeat music)

(crickets chirping)

Ow.

(crickets chirping)

Ow.

- Hello, who's there?

Are you okay?

- [Alex] No.

- Wait and let me come help.

I know first aid.

- [Alex] Great.

(dogs barking)

- Here, let me help you.

Put your arm around my waist.

Do you think you broke your foot?

- I'm not sure.

- Well, we'll go slower.

Are you gonna be able to stand up okay?

- Yeah.

- Do you need some help getting inside?

- No, no thanks.

- You were spying on me, weren't you?

That's pretty immature.

- Are you the new girl Marilyn was showing

around at school today?

- Uh-huh, I'm in Mr. Keck's homeroom.

Why, do you have him?

- No, I'm only a freshman.

- Oh, that explains it.

You're still a boy.

- Oh, and you're more mature, huh?

- Girls mature much faster than boys.

Didn't you know that?

I mean, I'm nearly a woman.

- Really?

- Maturity isn't just physical, dumb-ass,

but of course you wouldn't know that,

sneaking around and peeping on girls.

- Shh, keep your voice down, my parents'll hear.

(crickets chirping)

- Boy, this is a really nice house.

- Shh!

Damn.

- Wait a minute, you can't climb on that foot.

- Are you gonna carry me?

- Well you may damage it more.

What's your name, anyway?

- Alex, Alex Carson.

- Well I'm Sally Clark, your new neighbor.

- Well goodnight.

- Night.

Weird.

- No, no, I don't want the smaller dish.

I want the Earth Station Three with the amplifier.

Yes, there will be someone here this afternoon.

C-A-R-S-O-N.

Yeah, thank you.

- Hey, Dad, are we getting a satellite receiving station?

- Yep.

- Great.

- Dillard's Department Store had a shoe sale yesterday.

They were all marked down to $35 a pair,

so I bought six pairs, saved over $150.

- [Mr. Carson] Intercontinental's down an eighth.

That's not good.

- That's not good.

- Signed us all up at the Stay Fit Health Spa.

So I guess I'll have to buy new

racquetball outfits this weekend.

- [Mr. Carson] Aw, damn.

Amalgamated Conglomerate's dipped three-eighths.

- Pretty bad, huh?

- [Mr. Carson] Yeah, pretty bad.

- [Mrs. Carson] Take your vitamins, boys.

- Well, Dad, just remember, everything is cyclical.

That stock'll come back up eventually.

Just gotta hold out, don't panic.

That's the way everything works.

- [Reporter On Radio] Their country paid wartime

reparations to a major West Coast--

- You know, you might have a point.

Honey, I think we're gonna make a businessman

outta my son yet.

- Hey, Dad, she already sweetened your coffee.

- It's never enough.

I'm always tired by 11 o'clock.

- Here's your lunch, Alex.

Extra jimjam.

- Thanks, Mom.

- [Reporter On Radio] Saying that the escalating

carborundum prices continues to demand full attention.

- Dad? - Yes, son.

- I'd like to talk to you about my first business.

- Sure, go ahead.

- It's like those video cameras that are in banks,

used for surveillance and security.

Well I've done a lot of market research,

and I feel this area's prime.

- What's your downside?

- [Alex] Well I could probably recover costs

in the home movie type stuff alone.

- Alex, with your grades as low as they are,

do you think you can afford to run a business too?

- Sure, it's like a hobby that'll make money.

- Make money? - Make money?

- Sure.

- Maybe you've got a point there, Alex.

Maybe it is time you start your own business.

You know, when I was your age,

I already had my own paper route.

I'd bring in sometimes 20 bucks a week.

- So you wanna invest, eh?

- [Mr. Carson] How much do you think

you need to get started?

- Well I might just be able to let you in on this.

But I can tell you right now, Carson, it's gonna cost you.

Cost you big.

- [Mr. Carson] Alex, Alex?

- Huh?

- [Mr. Carson] How much do you figure

you'll need to get started?

- About $4,000.

- Honey, will you poor me some more coffee?

$4,000, that's a lotta money, Alex.

I mean, I'd like to help you get started, but

I don't know if we could spare that much.

We've got the new garage, the satellite station,

the new lawnmower, the Jacuzzi, we've got the--

- The MasterCard.

- That's an excellent idea, Alex.

- Look, I don't know.

What do you figure your break-even point is?

- Um, six months.

- Would you agree to pay 15% interest,

with payment on the principal after 90 days?

- Sure.

- It's a deal.

(sighing)

- Thanks, Dad.

- Yeah, Cathy, this is Alex Carson.

Will you raise my credit card limit to 12,000 please?

Yeah.

Yeah, thanks.

- [Reporter On Radio] And it's almost homecoming time

at St. Benedict's High School,

so all the school clubs are feverishly working

on their floats for the big parade.

(school bell ringing)

(students chattering)

- This is disgusting.

Not to mention vile, sick, just plain perverted.

You were relatively good for the past few months,

then you pull a stunt like this.

The people up at the home will be ashamed of you.

What kind of a normal, and I emphasize normal,

God-fearing young man would derive pleasure

from passing around pictures of his,

his genitals to a girls' typing class?

- Hey, I just did it as a personal favor.

- [Mr. White] Favor?

- Yeah, to some of the girls who don't have brothers.

Hell, most girls with brothers have bathed

with them as they grew up.

We're talking purely educational here, sir.

- Do you have a degree in psychology, Mr. Byers?

- No, sir.

- No, you don't.

You're just a streetwise punk.

You can't handle the trauma that you've induced

on these young girls who aren't yet

ready to be introduced to--

- But.

- [Mr. White] But what?

- What is the proper introduction to the male

sex organ, Mr. White?

- In the context of a sex education classroom

with a qualified instructor.

- We don't have sex education, we have health class.

And besides, Miss Barton's an old lesbian,

certainly not qualified to instruct males--

- Listen, Mister, I don't care what it is.

Cheating, skipping study hall, smoking grass, whatever.

One more offense, and it's back up

the hill to the home for you.

Do we understand each other?

- Yeah, man.

- I'm not your man.

I'm my own man, you got it?

- Yes, sir.

- I'll be watching you, very closely.

Oh and Byers, I hope you do screw up,

because I want you gone.

- Hi, Daddy.

- Oh hi, honey, give me those.

- Oh, Daddy, I'm not a little girl anymore.

- That boy is sick

and the spitting image of his older brother, Richard.

Who, I might remind you,

you are not permitted to see ever again.

- Well I just stopped by to tell you that I'm going

over to Rebecca's house to practice some cheers.

- Well, just be home for supper.

I think your mother's cooked something original.

- Hmm, no boiling bags.

(students chattering)

(upbeat rock music)

♪ Came home last night

♪ Mowed the lawn

♪ Watching the TV screen

♪ And all at once, she appears to me ♪

♪ The girl of my dreams

♪ I'm watching my video

♪ I'm watching my video

♪ Oh oh, watching my video

♪ Sure looks good to me

♪ Video

♪ Watching my video

♪ Oh, whoa

♪ Video

♪ Sure looks good to me

(upbeat rock music)

- [DJ] Back to more music on the Mighty X Rock,

to start off three in a row.

- So you're gonna start videotaping

instead of using the old nocs, huh?

- Yeah, binoculars got really old fast.

(upbeat rock music)

- You gonna start with Sally?

- Probably, why?

- I just figured she was your main squeeze

and you'd want to.

- Squeeze, what's that?

- Your girlfriend, man.

- I just met her the other night, Jesus.

(upbeat rock music)

- So get moving, if you don't, somebody else will.

That's the way it is.

- [Alex] Maybe.

- [Nicholas] Maybe, she came to rescue your dumb-ass.

- She treats me like a brother.

She ignores me when I pass her in the hall.

- That proves it.

That's how women act.

If they ignore you, that means that they're interested

and they're playing hard to get.

So hell, man, you're in, you're in.

(doorbell ringing)

- What's the matter with you today, Nicholas?

- Track injury, Mr. Ashen, pulled a muscle.

- Well I'm glad to see you finally joined a team.

Keep you outta trouble, off the streets.

- Oh yes sir, I really have enjoyed it.

(doorbell ringing)

(horn honking)

(bottle rattling)

(engine starting)

(upbeat rock music)

♪ You always want me

- [Nicholas] Hey, check out my new stroker.

- Not another one.

Jesus, Nicholas, you're gonna get caught one of these days.

- Not me, man.

- Oo, wee.

- Good one, huh?

- You must have the world's most largest

collection of stroke books.

- Look at that thing.

(tires squealing)

♪ I saw how you treated

♪ A very sick brother

♪ I watched you desert him

You guys getting a satellite station?

- Yeah, I forgot to tell you.

- Damn, you guys get everything.

- [Installer] Mister, you wanna get hit by the rays?

- Say, does this thing get that sex channel?

- [Installer] Move it in, that's it.

A little bit more, that's good, that's good.

There you go, that's good.

Look, Mister, if you just get outta the way here,

we'll get you put together.

Otherwise, I'm liable to fuck something up.

- Hey, here's a good one, listen to this.

Dear Pamela, my husband won't perform oral sex

because he says it's a perversion.

What should I tell him?

Signed, Frustrated.

Dear Frustrated, tell your husband there'll be

no more eating in til he learns to eat out (laughs).

Hey, Alex, have you ever seen one up close?

- Nah.

But I thought about it a lot.

- Thinking about it doesn't count.

Doing it, that's what counts.

- [Alex] And I suppose you have?

- Sure.

- Who?

- I'll never tell.

- Yeah, right.

- You don't believe me?

Watch me.

Oh, yes, Nicholas, oh please.

That's the spot, Nicholas, oh ho.

Oh please don't stop.

Oh, you're so good, oh.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Carson.

- You all right?

- Yes, ma'am, I just pulled a muscle in my back

and I was working it out.

- Alex, have you finished your homework?

- Yep.

- I guess I oughta be going, Mrs. Carson.

- Yeah, he pulled a muscle all right.

- Okay, Nicholas.

Take care of that back.

- [Alex] See you tomorrow, Nicholas.

- Okey doke.

(crickets chirping)

- She gonna undress soon?

- Shh, be quiet, bung hole.

The window's open, she'll hear us.

(crickets chirping)

- We're really gonna see some, huh?

- Yeah, wait til you see her.

She's beautiful.

(upbeat jazz music)

- [Alex] Come on back, let me see it.

Oh wow.

Okay, Sally, that's great.

Take it all off, come on.

(upbeat jazz music)

Come on back, come on back.

(humming)

(upbeat jazz music)

Wow that's it, dump the towel.

Come on, Sally, please, dump the towel.

(upbeat jazz music)

(Pac-Man playing)

- Oh, did you see that move?

- She's beautiful, man, beautiful.

- I wanna see the tape.

- I forgot to turn it on.

- You dumb-ass.

Lend me a dollar so I can play Nuclear Madness again, okay?

- Man that's six bucks you owe me, dude.

- Thanks.

- Man, when I get rolling, I'm gonna have tapes

of the prettiest naked girls in town.

- Hell, I could see that at the adult bookstore.

- Not girls you know, idiot.

Speaking of girls I'd like to see naked.

Here comes your brother's girlfriend, Marilyn.

I bet she and Richard do it all the time.

- Of course.

- You ever seen them?

- Nah.

- [Alex] How do you know?

- Hello, Nicholas, Alex.

- Hello, Marilyn. - Hello, Marilyn.

- What can we do for you today, Marilyn.

- Well I want you to deliver a message to Richard

when he gets back in town.

Tell him that,

tell him to give me a call, okay?

- Yeah, sure.

- Thanks a lot.

- Well I'll sure tell him, Marilyn.

He's due in from Baltimore any day now.

Shit, I have to get his car back in shape

before he hits town.

- That's pretty good, Alex.

- Oh, Marilyn, Alex has a question for you.

- Hey, no I don't, asshole.

- Yeah, he does, he does.

Go ahead, man, ask her.

- Would you knock it off, you stupid shit?

- It's about you and Richard.

He wants to know if you, if you, um, get it on?

- Well, what do you mean get it on?

- You know, fool around.

- Fool around?

Be specific.

- Never mind, Marilyn.

- I'll see boys later.

Oh, Nicholas, I like your Polaroids.

I didn't know that you and Richard had so much in common.

- Serves you right, you stupid shit.

(tires squealing)

- What are they doing now?

- We're adding on to the back porch.

- Oh, so, what time tonight?

- Nine o'clock?

- Okay, boy, what an exciting night.

See you later.

- Bye.

(engine starting)

(bird calling)

(door opening)

- Oh, Alex, I'm so glad you stopped by.

I just can't get my mind off of you.

(soft piano music)

(crickets chirping)

- [Woman On TV] It's my husband, Dr. Bromley.

Ever since that accident at the nuclear power plant--

- Hmm, lightly steamed vegetables in a double boiler.

A double boiler?

- Be quiet, Mom, I can't hear the soundtrack.

- That's the third time you've seen that.

- Oh come on, it's near the part where the girl

gets raped by the slug from Pluto.

- My God, what garbage.

- [Man On TV] No time to lose, take off your clothes

and put on this lead underwear.

(phone dialing)

- Damn.

(phone dialing)

(phone ringing)

- Hello.

- [Alex] Sally?

- Yes.

- [Alex] This is Alex.

- Oh hello, Alex.

- Um, listen, I was wondering if you,

you would like to go to the movies Friday night.

- Um, well,

well what's on?

- [Alex] I don't know, I forgot to look.

- Well, look and then call me back, dumb-ass.

- It's not important what's on.

(phone dialing)

(phone ringing)

- [Alex] Hello.

- Hello, Alex?

- [Alex] Yeah.

- [Sally] Hold on a second, I've got a paper right here.

How about Revenge of the Jedi?

- Hey, that sounds good.

- Okay, how we gonna get there, can you drive?

- [Alex] No, we usually ride bikes.

- Mm, I didn't bring mine.

- No.

- [Sally] But listen, my parents are out of town.

- They are?

- Yeah, and I know where the spare keys are.

- Well that's great.

But I don't have my permit yet.

- Well, how about if I drive?

- [Alex] Great.

- Okay, what time?

- 7:30?

- Great.

- All right, well, bye.

- Bye.

(door knocking)

- Come on in. - I did.

- Wait til you hear.

- Tell me about it.

- Hello, Marilyn, this is Sally, guess what.

I think I've just been asked out on Alex's first date.

- Do you think she knows it's your first date?

- I doubt it.

- Are you nervous?

- Maybe just a little.

- Of course not.

- Do you think she knows you're up to something?

- Sally, hell no.

- I think he's up to something,

but I can't imagine him trying anything.

- Wow, soft action and everything.

You are gonna try stuff, aren't you?

- Of course.

- Who, Alex?

- How far do you think she'll let you go?

- Maybe just a kiss.

- All the way, huh?

- Yeah, sure.

- I'll probably have to kiss him first.

- Wow, a real date!

(crunching)

(growling)

- [Woman On TV] There's someone at the door.

Hold the line for just a minute, who's there?

Henry, is that you?

Henry?

(dramatic music on TV)

- Going to install a camera for Nicholas, Mom.

I'll be back in a couple of hours.

- When, exactly, Alex?

- 11 o'clock.

- Okay, 11 o'clock.

(screaming on TV)

(gun firing)

- Here, tighten this down.

- So you really gonna give it a go, huh?

- Yep, I think it's about time

I got serious with ole Sal.

- Are you nervous?

- About what?

- About not knowing what to do.

- Of course not.

- Remember the signs of arousal?

- Yeah.

- What are they?

- Here, hand me that screwdriver.

- Nipples, Alex, when they're hard, it's a dead giveaway.

And breathing, watch for heavy breathing.

- Uh-huh.

- How we gonna hide the camera in the car?

- I guess I'll have to park under a streetlight.

Hey, wait a minute.

I don't wanna tape it.

- That's the whole point of the date, isn't it?

I mean, we already have a dynamite strip scene.

- I don't know.

- Look, Alex, you know you start something and--

- Can't you see I'm busy, A-hole.

Here, hold this while I calibrate the camera.

- All right, okay.

I'll just tell old Sally that she's been

seen undressing thanks to Alex here.

- Hey, you do and I'll leave you

out of any further sessions.

Go and buy your own damn equipment.

(soft music)

- I wonder how come it is we've both got allergies

and I can't breathe in this place and you can.

- It's because you're anal retentive.

- Where's your gown?

- Says her in Dear Pamela that sleeping naked

may increase your husband's sexual appetite.

- [Mr. Carson] Dear Pamela?

- Your son's porno magazine.

- [Mr. Carson] My God, it looks like open-heart surgery.

- That's Lisa, porno star.

- Is Alex still out?

- Til 11.

- On a school night?

- Yeah, he's out working, working to pay you back

for all that video junk you bought.

- Wow, excellent.

- Alex?

- Yeah, Dad.

- Your mom found a girlie magazine in your room today.

- What was she doing in my room without me being here?

- Never mind that, you wanna tell me

how you got it and if you've got any more?

- You can get them at any corner store, Dad.

- Alex, Alex, when I was your age,

I never knew what a woman looked like naked.

We felt it would ruin sex for later.

Do you understand what I'm--

Your screen just went blank.

- It's a monitor, Dad,

and that's because it's dark outside.

- Oh.

You know, if we were caught with a magazine like that,

we were really ashamed.

- Why, Dad?

Everyone knows they exist.

Did you steal them?

- No.

- Well anyway, it's Nicholas' magazine.

He left it over here.

So you have to give it back to him.

- I don't know if I can do that.

Your mother has already confiscated it.

- Confiscated it?

You can't confiscate someone else's magazine, Dad.

- I guess you're right.

What if I paid him for it?

- That sounds fair enough.

- Well.

- But, Dad?

- Yeah, Son.

- When was the first time you went out on a real date?

- What do you mean real date?

- [Alex] You know, when important stuff starts happening.

- You mean, when did I fall in love?

- Not really, just the sexual stuff.

- Oh, well, uh.

I don't know, I was 18, 19 maybe.

- Did you go all the way?

- No.

At least not until I was nearly through school.

- High school, right?

- [Mr. Carson] No, college.

- Okay.

Thanks a lot.

- Sure.

Alex?

- Yeah.

- Keep up the good work, eh?

Your mom and I are real proud of you, you know that?

- Thanks a lot, Dad.

(light mysterious music)

- Sally, hold up a second.

Did you hear the rumor today?

- Which one?

- The one about Chuck Sugar and you?

- Me?

- Yeah, Sarah Norton overheard him say that he might

ask you to the homecoming dance next weekend.

- You're kidding, Charles Sugar?

- No, well he's deciding between you and Whitney Sain,

but listen, I'm late for practice, give me a call.

- Okay.

(students chattering)

- Just remember what Richard has always told me.

Making love is like frying bacon.

You have to make sure the pan is hot

before you slap the meat to it.

- My father says he wasn't laid til he was in college.

- [Nicholas] Jesus.

- I can't remember all this crap.

- Look, just wait 60 seconds before each major move.

This way, you'll never rush her.

Oh, Jesus, I gotta get going.

(students chattering)

- Hey, Sally.

Mind if I walk along?

- Sure, if you want.

(soft piano music)

(traffic passing)

(doorbell ringing)

- Oh, hello, Nicholas.

- Oh, hello, Mr. Ashen.

- Gotta try one of my hotdogs, Nick.

Got a great promotion this week.

Four for a dollar.

- Sounds great.

- Trick knee acting up again, Nicholas?

- Yeah, sure is.

- Hold it, you little punk.

What else you been stealing from me?

- Nothing, Mr. Ashen.

I promise, this is my first time, honest.

- You lying shit.

You even flinch and I'll open you up, you get it, punk?

- Yes, sir, please be careful.

Oh please, don't call the cops, please.

Call my brother, or Mr. White, the principal,

but not the police.

- Here, hold this on the little punk while I dial.

- What'd he do?

- What?

- I said what did he do?

- Nothing major, really.

- Oh.

(burps) Excuse me.

(upbeat rock music)

- Y'all wanna see my radio?

- Tom, honey,

you know I've watched every episode of Magnum PI.

I'm so excited that you got my letter

and decided to come on over.

(phone ringing)

Oh you do?

Thanks.

You know, I got it just for you.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Yes.

Just a minute.

Daddy, telephone.

- Hello.

Yes, this is he.

Oh, well, yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

He did?

No, don't call the police, I'll be right over.

I can handle this.

I've got you this time, you little shit.

(upbeat rock music)

♪ I came here with good intentions ♪

♪ Without fear or apprehension

♪ I work hard til I'm through

♪ Because it's so hard to get through to you ♪

♪ I'm no jester, I'm no clown

♪ I don't flinch, I won't go down ♪

♪ For your pleasure, for your fancy ♪

♪ I won't do tricks just to get you dancing ♪

- Do you like my new dress?

Like my new dress?

- It's okay.

I like it.

I like it, but I can see right through it.

- Richard, where's your table?

- Uh.

I sent it out to be refinished.

It was stained.

- Bullshit, you sold it.

Richard, you can't keep selling off

furniture to pay your rent.

Richard.

Richard.

- Your ass is grass, baby.

- [Nicholas] Let go of me.

- You've just written your walking papers.

You're going back to Harrelson.

(engine starting)

(light moaning and giggling)

- You don't like my dress.

- [Richard] Of course I do.

- It's been four whole days, Richard.

I'm about to go crazy.

- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.

- Let's get this off.

(light moaning)

(giggling)

(traffic passing)

Oh, it's your father.

It's your father, Jesus!

(laughing)

Oh, hello, Nick, Mr. White.

- Hello, Richard.

Nicholas here has just written himself

a one-way ticket back to Harrelson School.

I'm glad you're here to see him off.

Look at this place, it's disgusting.

Certainly not an environment to bring up

a young man like Nicholas.

- Well, obviously, you think the answer is not

love and trust but an all-boys school.

- It straightened me out.

- That's a matter of opinion.

- I resent your attitude.

- Yeah?

Well I resent yours, and I'd appreciate you

getting the hell out of my house.

My brother and I did not invite you.

- After Monday, Mr. Byers, it won't matter.

Because I'll have no more need to come to this side of town.

- Hey, White.

- I screwed up.

- Don't worry, Nick, it'll work out okay.

We won't let you be taken away again.

- [Alex] Oh wow!

- [Mr. White On PA] Let me repeat that

for those of you on drugs.

Contrary to the rumor, the Boys Glee Club will not,

I emphasize not, be allowed to participate

in the homecoming parade this Saturday

with their giant sex organ float.

- Dear Sally, the reason I want us to go

out tonight is because I--

I--

Dear Sally, I know I said we would go to the movies,

but I'd like for us to go to--

Go to--

Go to--

Damn.

- Alex? - Yes, ma'am?

- Take this and preview it please, it's last year's

basketball game between the students and the faculty.

- Okay, Mrs. Hatfield.

Now's a good chance to see the tape.

- What tape?

- The tape Alex made.

- So?

- It's got T and A.

- Tits and ass, wait up.

- Now wait a minute, guys.

You guys gotta cough up a buck each.

- I don't have to pay.

- Jerk.

- Let's go.

- Really, you're not kidding, can you see everything?

- Shut up, watch.

- Wow.

- They're beautiful, perfectly shaped.

Who is it?

- Oh shit.

- How did it play, Alex?

- Pretty good, Mrs. Hatfield.

- Oh that's good, would you put it on there now

and roll it out and set up for the convocation?

- Right away, Mrs. Hatfield.

- Thank you.

Alex, hurry up, we don't have all day, come on, come on.

- I think if you plugged this into here.

(microphone screeching)

It's working, it's working.

(microphone blowing)

Before we begin our magazine drive assembly,

I have a few announcements to make.

First, anyone caught throwing food in the cafeteria

will be sent to study hall and put on double probation.

Now I really mean business this time.

Next, will all of the students preparing to go

with H.G. Welles on the trip to the wax museum

please meet on May Fourth, 1922.

What kind of a joke is this?

Anyone caught putting a joke announcement in

will be suspended one period from school

and put on double probation.

(students laughing)

And now here to introduce this year's annual

St. Benedict High School's magazine drive is Mr. Steptoe.

(applause)

- How many of you wanna grow up

and have your own condominium?

How many of you wanna grow up

and have your own swimming pool?

How many of you wanna grow up

and have more money than you even know what to do with?

- Well, in order to have all those things,

you have to know how to sell.

S-E-L, sell.

Now, we all know that practice makes perfect, right?

I mean, you band members, you have to practice, right?

- You athletes, you have to practice, right?

Well, dear students, now we have

a chance to practice selling.

Now before you see all the many wonderful prizes

you have a chance to have just by selling

the most magazines in this year's annual magazine drive.

But before we take the time to explain the rules

of the drive, let's take a look at a clip

of last year's student-faculty game,

just to get us in the mood and get us excited, okay?

(laughing)

- Oh shit.

(laughing)

(whistling)

(laughing)

Wait a minute, how about the condominiums?

- Hey, how'd it go, Nick?

- Well.

I leave next week.

He woulda had me out today, but, uh,

the right man at the school wasn't there.

- God, I'm sorry, Nick.

Jesus.

- I had nothing to lose by taking the blame.

I was a goner anyway.

- I feel terrible.

Don't worry, Nick, I'll get you out of this somehow.

I promise.

- Hey, how about a game of Tasmania?

That'll cheer us up.

Come on, let's go.

- You go ahead.

I wanna think for a while.

- It's not that big of a deal, Alex.

It's just school.

- Yeah.

- Hey, I hear Alex Carson's been bothering you.

(gong banging)

- Not really.

- He's just a little wimp.

(upbeat dramatic music)

- He-yah.

She's with me now, understand?

(birds chirping)

- Honey, bring me another martini, will you?

What's this?

Ah, that's not even hot.

Why don't you run it through another cycle?

I usually double whatever that thing says.

- You don't microwave food in aluminum containers, Dad.

- Oh, Alex, give me a break.

- Here, try this, it's macaroni and cheese.

I did it two cycles.

- Ooh, now that's good, I like the--

Now what's that taste, it's delicate.

- Are we getting a pool this year, Dad?

- It's melted butter, Dear.

This is Salisbury steak.

- Hey, what are you gonna wear

to that costume party tonight?

- Are we?

- [Mrs. Carson] I'll either be a mouse or a vampire.

- I don't know, maybe.

- [Mrs. Carson] Or a witch.

- Come on, Dad, everybody in the neighborhood

has one but us.

- Or a slug.

- You're know you're right, you're right.

- [Mrs. Carson] Or a sperm.

- Here, we go.

A sperm?

A sperm?

A sperm, all right.

Okay, here we go.

Alex, how's the video biz going?

- Okay, I guess.

- Honey, would you bring me a knife with a serrated edge?

- [Mrs. Carson] Is something wrong?

- Yeah, no, it's fine.

It's a little tough, isn't it?

Oh, God.

Thank you, thank you.

Alex, you'll get used to it.

You know, it'll get into your blood after a while,

and pretty soon, you won't wanna do anything else.

Owning a business is one of the most satisfying

experiences you could ever experience.

Where you going?

- To get ready for my date.

- A date?

Really, with who?

- He and Sally are going out.

- No kidding, well that's my boy.

I knew he'd get around to it sooner or later.

- Honey, don't push him.

- Who's pushing, he's 14 years old.

Hell, when I was 14--

- No, please.

- All right.

(traffic passing)

(upbeat rock music)

(door knocking)

(upbeat rock music)

(laughing)

(upbeat rock music)

(laughing)

(upbeat rock music)

(doorbell ringing)

- My God, Alex.

- Are you ready?

- Well yeah.

- Okay.

- Alex, I cannot breathe with you sitting so close.

God, I hope we don't get caught doing this.

- Don't sweat it.

- You think your parents saw us leave?

- Nah.

We have to turn down Highland Avenue.

- You were terrific, Alex.

No one has ever made me feel that way.

- Where are we headed anyway?

- Just a place.

- Alex, are we going parking?

- Trust me.

- [Sally] God, you're taking me to the woods.

- [Alex] You're driving.

- [Sally] You ever been here before?

- [Alex] Me and Nicholas used to come out here all the time.

(engine stopping)

(keys jingling)

- Alex, why are we parking

when we could be alone at my house?

- I wanted this to be special.

You know?

Here, have a swig.

- Where'd you get it?

- It's my dad's.

(coughing)

- Raise your arms, raise your arms.

- Ow, shit!

(coughing)

Musta gone down the wrong windpipe.

- Here, here, here.

Can't hold your liquor, huh?

(crickets chirping)

(soft romantic music)

You know, if I wanted to kiss you and fool around,

you wouldn't have to get me drunk?

- The liquor's for me, not for you.

- For you?

- Yeah.

So I have the nerve to kiss you.

- Oh, Alex.

Alex, you're getting drunk.

- So?

- Well don't get angry.

- Just take me home, I wanna go home!

- Okay, fine, you're drunk anyway.

- Hey, what do you care?

- Let's go.

(engine starting)

(crickets chirping)

(doorbell ringing)

- Night, Daddy.

- You know, honey, you've made your mother and me

very happy by dating this Schrammm boy

instead of that garbage Richard Byers.

- Oh, Daddy, you'll just love Ricky.

He's a scholar, athletic,

and he's president of the Glee Club.

- Let me get the door, I'd like to meet this boy.

- Ricky? - Mr. White.

- I am pleased to meet you.

- Pleasure meeting you too, sir.

- Well, we've gotta be going, Daddy.

- Well, you too have a good time.

- Okay.

(horns honking)

(crickets chirping)

- I was thinking we could go over to the Scoreboard Grille

and watch the Tigers game on the big TV screen.

You know, pop some popcorn and make an evening of it.

- Oh, that sounds wonderful.

(engine starting)

(upbeat rock music)

- [Ricky] Marilyn.

- [Richard] Jerk-off.

- Marilyn.

- God, what a doze-off.

We were gonna watch the game (laughs).

(upbeat rock music)

- This is not a red light, asshole.

(brakes squealing)

- I think I'm gonna be sick.

- Ohhhh.

Well think of something different.

- Like what?

- Like pistachio ice cream.

- Awww.

- Oh, Alex, stand up, you have to walk home, come on.

- Hey, what do you say we spend the night?

Okay, okay?

- Okay fine, fine, just keep walking.

- You will?

Really?

- Be careful now.

Ohhh.

That's right, left foot, right foot.

Left foot, right foot, that's right, come on.

Oh, let's go.

Left foot, that's right.

- I knew I could convince you.

- Goodnight.

- Hey, where you going?

- Home.

- Home?

You tricked me.

That wench.

(soft music)

♪ Far away

♪ I watched you til the stars came out at night ♪

♪ How I wish that I could hold you tight, mm-hmm ♪

♪ But it was just a dream

♪ From far away

♪ You took my heart and soul and left me here ♪

♪ All I wanted was to feel you near ♪

♪ I know that we were meant to be ♪

♪ Gotta be close to you

♪ Girl, I'll be close to you

♪ My heart's open

♪ Gotta be close to you

♪ I seem to be your last

(soft music)

(man on TV shouting)

- [Man] Here, mousy, mousy.

- House payment.

Remote.

Jacuzzi.

Bill.

On clothes.

Pharmacy.

Garage addition.

And the credit card balance.

Garage additions.

Ha ha, that's power.

Phone.

And jewelry, and the satellite station.

(mumbling)

We can do it.

- [Man On TV] Tonight on Pastor Bob's Christian Theater,

Satan meets Jesse Helms, following the news at 11.

- Yeah, yeah, hello.

Tell me what's the largest size swimming pool you've got?

- How'd you get in?

- Walked.

So, how'd it go?

- Great.

- You don't seem so excited.

- [Alex] I'm hungover.

- Wow, got her drunk and banged away, huh?

- I don't remember, but I don't think so.

- But you got in some soft action, didn't you?

- Yeah.

- Well, tell me the details.

- We just fooled around a little.

- Did you get your hand on it?

- Don't drill me about it, okay?

- You didn't get any.

You didn't even try to tape it.

(sighing)

Look, man, don't feel so bad about not scoring.

It was your first try.

Hey, try again, take her out tonight.

- I can't, she's working at the annual

Civitron costume party.

- [Nicholas] What the hell is that?

- Some dippy organization that people join.

All the town's deep pockets go.

- Hey, we gotta get that camera from Richard's today.

Where do you wanna move it?

Don't give up so easily on ole Sally.

Go to the party, and get her off to the side somewhere.

- How do I do that?

- It's a costume party, stupid, dress up.

Hey, Alex, is there a way to get

eight by 10 pictures made from these tapes?

Huh, Alex?

- Wow, that's it!

You just solved all our problems.

- Eight by 10s?

- No, stupid, you're going to that costume party,

and we got a ton of work to do.

- I definitely have to make a best-of reel.

These girls are beautiful.

- Now you go retrieve the camera while I plan.

Well, get going, huh?

- This is a warmup number.

ODC, real new, warm bus (screaming).

It's time for the dead thorax.

(upbeat music)

(crowd chattering)

(upbeat music)

♪ We did all the standards

♪ To ensure the less qualified

♪ Local talent was there

♪ Made it weak

♪ Headed straight for us

- Hello, Mr. Bombarger, this is Mrs. Charles Raymond,

Margaret, I'm sorry to bother you,

but I think we have a problem.

Yes, the band you sent doesn't play jazz.

They play shit.

What?

Well of course I know what I'm talking about.

I was president of the Civitron Music Club for nine years.

Listen.

Oh.

(upbeat rock music)

(doorbell ringing)

- [Margaret] Well, come in.

(upbeat rock music)

- [Nicholas] I'm gonna get you.

- Who's in there?

- [Nicholas] It's a surprise.

- Well, okay.

(upbeat rock music)

(muffled rock music)

- Okay, men, circumcise your watches.

- 10:19. - 10:15.

- Right, see you later.

(muffled rock music)

(upbeat music)

♪ Boom boom, bang bang

♪ Look out, here it comes again ♪

♪ You can't stop, the way it flows ♪

♪ It never knows why it goes

♪ You can never take the time to stop for one ♪

(upbeat music)

(tires squealing)

- [Jenny] Hey, buddy, watch it.

- [Richard] Hey, come here, come here.

- Listen, I don't work the streets.

- Hey, take it easy.

- I'm working my way through college.

I charge an outrageous amount because I care

and I'm the best in town.

I just do straight sex, no S&M, no water sports, no--

- Hey, give me a break.

Let me explain, it's not what you think.

- Are you sure?

- Trust me.

Come on.

- Okay.

♪ Would rather be there

♪ I would like to be in there

(upbeat music)

- Hurry, someone's coming.

♪ I would rather be

(chattering)

- My, a soldier.

(imitating gunfire)

And a?

- A prostitute.

- [Margaret] Right, wonderful.

Come in.

(whistling)

(upbeat music)

- Hey, the government's got a billon dollars

of this white magic stored away in this CD caves.

If you're gonna survive a big blast,

you better learn to like this stuff.

- I think you're getting opium mixed up with cocaine.

It's opium in the CD caves.

Besides, it's not for pain anway, it's for suicide.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Oh.

- Thanks anyway.

- Sure, sure.

♪ Time is free

♪ Boom boom bang bang

♪ Look out, here it comes again ♪

(upbeat music)

(snorting)

(upbeat music)

(thudding)

- Wow, good shit.

(upbeat music)

(shouting)

(upbeat music)

(chattering)

- Thank you, dear.

Whew.

- So, um, how's business?

- It picks up during the furniture market.

- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.

- I sold a dining room table just the other week.

- Oh, oh, Alex, Jenny.

Jenny, uh.

- Alex.

- Yeah, right.

- Hello, Alex, nice to meet you.

- Hello.

- Excuse me, somebody's gonna be looking for me.

- Richard?

Richard?

Richard.

- [Richard] Enemy attack from the rear.

(chattering)

- Oh, excuse me.

- That's quite all right.

- Could you tell me where the bathroom is?

- Right around that corner, and then a right

and then a left and--

- Sorry, but I'm dyslexic.

I can't tell my left from my right.

Could you show me?

- Sure.

(chattering)

- [Nicholas] Ooh, ooh.

- [Mr. White] Excuse us.

- [Nicholas] Please cut in front of me.

- I still gotta go, how about upstairs?

- Sure.

Sure, come on.

(upbeat music)

It's right over there.

- Thanks.

Oh, you can't leave.

I'll not find my way back.

- Okay, come on.

It's right in there.

- Now sit down.

- Frank.

- Frank, now I'm Jenny, and I'll be just a minute.

(upbeat music)

- Uh, waiting on the john.

(upbeat music)

(chattering)

(upbeat music)

♪ Bunch of peacocks

♪ Can't take umbrage

♪ Civic duties can be tarnished ♪

♪ Way too clean

♪ Those cities

♪ Just to be

♪ Hypnotized

- Here. - Thanks.

- Alex, who are you taking

to the homecoming dance next week?

- I haven't thought about it.

- Now let's take these off.

(upbeat music)

- You weren't gonna go, were you?

- Not really.

That should work long enough for what we need.

- If you had someone to go with, would you go?

- Maybe.

I don't really like to dance.

Who's taking you?

- [Sally] I haven't been asked yet.

- Really?

I heard Chuck Sugar was taking you.

I mean, it's the most obvious.

He's a football player, a senior.

And he probably even--

- I'm not interested in all that.

- Hey look, I'm really sorry about the other night,

not holding my liquor and everything.

- Oh, that's okay.

Happens to the best of us.

- I really had a good time, though.

- So did I.

(upbeat music)

- Hey.

I got an idea.

- What?

- Let's run away together.

- Where?

- Doesn't matter where.

- Yes it does, where?

Don't kiss me to change the subject.

- Okay.

How about, uh

Dallas?

- It's too hot.

- New York? - Too crowded.

- Florida?

- Too many fags and raisins.

- Where then, Marilyn, where?

- How about

Washington, DC?

- Washington, DC (laughs)?

Washington, DC?

- Well do you have any better ideas?

- I just gave you three good ones.

- Please, don't shout, honey.

We can't agree on anything anymore.

Except sex.

- Yeah, well at least we agree on something.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

- Daddy! - Jesus.

(upbeat music)

- Richard.

- Oh my God, my father.

- Did nobody tell her?

- I can't believe it.

- It's getting a little crowded in here.

- So?

(laughing)

(upbeat music)

(pool balls breaking)

- Yeah, I guess I'm fairly happy.

Frank's all right.

I mean, he's got his problems,

but they're not too awfully bad.

- Well sometimes it can be a problem.

- Your shot.

- Oh right, yeah.

A real bad problem.

Hell, I'm still real young and Frank,

he's got his mind on other things.

- You're very attractive, Mrs. White.

It certainly can't be your fault.

- Well, thank you, Nicholas.

That's a very nice thing for you to say.

- I'm a nice guy.

- Yeah.

Your shot.

(upbeat music)

- I really wish there was some way I could help you.

- Let's go, Nick.

- Let me finish this game.

- No way, man, we're in a real hurry.

Oh, hello, Mrs. White.

- Hello, Richard.

- Now, Nicholas.

Let's go.

- [Singer] On guitar and sitar, Mr. Lamar Metcalfe,

the brother of Lincoln Metcalfe.

(laughing)

(engine starting)

- Wait a minute.

You almost forgot this.

- Thanks.

- Now hurry. - Okay.

- Hey wait a minute, how we gonna get home?

- Gosh, I don't know.

- Can you believe my ma said this is a boring party?

- Where is my damn ride?

Wait a minute.

- I like your dress.

- Thank you.

(crickets chirping)

(horns honking)

- Jesus H. Christ, my feet are killing me.

You kids take care of your feet, whatever you do.

Do you realize I stand all day?

Well, nearly anyway.

- You know, you oughta try soaking

your feet in baking soda bath.

My wife works as a clerk down at Park and Shop.

She's gotta bathe her feet every night.

But you got a nerve in your foot, you know,

for every major organ in your body.

- You're kidding?

- No, put your foot up here, let me show you something.

Uh, right here's your whatever.

- Mm-hmm.

- And uh, this is, this is your heart here, right there.

And then up here, that's your lower back, right there.

- Oh, that feels good.

- You have back problems?

- Sometimes.

Hey, turn up here.

- Pretty high class, what's your old man do?

- I live alone.

- I'll bet you do.

Up here, huh?

- Yeah, second on the right.

- This is it.

- This is for the kids.

You make sure they get home okay.

- No problem, lady.

(phone dialing)

- Hello, Yellow Cab,

could you send a car to 1325 Eastview Acres?

Thank you.

(horn honking)

- So I don't know what the answer is.

If I knew what the answer was, I would be driving

this fucking cab, I'd be riding in it.

But I'll tell you the problem,

one of the problems is credit.

C-R-E-I-T, credit, that's one of the problems, am I right?

- Sounds right to me.

- Yeah, well, I'll tell you, the whole world's screwed up.

You got the lower class, they're trying to be middle class.

Then you got the middle class,

and they're trying to be upper class.

Everybody's going out and buying all this stuff

and getting all this shit they don't need

and getting way behind, they don't know what they're doing.

You know, am I right?

- Sounds right to me.

- Yeah, well you kids are the hope of the future.

- Yeah, but that's what your parents said to you too.

- Hey, listen, I can get out of this cab

anytime I want to, I'll just stop it,

you'll be out on the street, that's where you'll be.

That's the truth.

I serve, just like everybody else,

just like your doctors and your lawyers.

Where's the block?

- Oh, you turn up here and the first light.

- Yeah.

(brakes squealing)

(engine starting)

(crickets chirping)

(Alex chuckling)

- Here you are.

(crickets chirping)

- Well, night.

(crickets chirping)

(horn honking)

- Hello, wimp.

(struggling)

- [Alex] She's mine now, understand?

(laughing)

(gun firing)

(ball falling)

- Go ahead, make your shot.

And then I've got a big surprise for you.

(balls colliding)

- Ooh.

Frank?

Oh.

(birds calling)

(bell tolling)

- When I say sin, you know what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about teenage pregnancy.

I'm talking about juvenile delinquency.

I'm talking about child porno-ography.

I'm talking about prayer in public rest rooms.

I'm talking about sexual license.

I'm talking about sex without a license.

I'm talking about unlawful fornication.

I'm talking about animal husbandry.

I'm talking about pornographic motion pictures.

I'm talking about the filthy depths

of disgusting degradation.

And it's all right here, in this inspirational book.

Available this week only from the Transparent Tabernacle,

in care of this television station.

It's a magnificent 72-page volume

in deluxe cardboard binding.

A book you'll wish you could treasure for years to come.

And it's absolutely free.

Just 14.95 to cover postage and handling costs.

It's a book you won't wanna miss,

because it's been helpful for thousands,

and that's not counting the sales tax.

You know, our toll-free prayer lines here

at the Transparent Tabernacle are always ringing

with testimonials and witnesses.

Why, just yesterday, I had a personal call

from one of our leading citizens,

who told me how much this book had helped him.

He had not only been cured of his cancer,

but in just two--

(birds chirping)

- So those are our demands.

Money, plus allowing me to finish school

here at St. Benedict's.

And not to be sent back to Harrelson School.

- Well, I personally wanna thank you

for what you've done for my husband.

You've cured a long-standing problems of his, and ours.

I don't agree with your methods, but the end result

is positive, so I'll overlook the reason for now.

We're both overjoyed at his recovery.

- Really?

- Oh, but we'll pay you for this.

- We were paying outrageous amounts

to doctors with no results at all.

- You're kidding.

- And we'd like to rent a camera and a monitor on our own.

- Gladys?

- Well, it would be fun, now wouldn't it, honey?

- Mm.

- No.

- [Mr. White On PA] Will the students who are believed

to have participated in the scheme to park

the giant sex organ float in the front yard

of the St. Mary's Girls School last night

please meet me in the gym?

(chattering)

- Do you see that?

Huh?

Do you see her bend over?

You weren't even watching.

(whistle chirping)

- That's it for today, girls.

Do you know that you're doing a good job.

I'm very very happy with you.

- See you, Daddy.

- She give you that?

- Marilyn gave it to me.

- Man, you got it bad.

- Hey, guess where Richard and I are eloping to

after the homecoming dance tonight.

- Where? - Yeah, where?

- Des Moines, Iowa.

- Des Moines, Iowa? - Yeah.

- But that means that Richard's gonna give up

the apartment, and I gotta go back to the home.

- No, you idiot, we're coming back.

We're gonna fix the house up real nice

and we're gonna live in it.

- You mean no more roaches and moldy plates and dirt and--

- Nope.

Look, I gotta go, I'll see you tonight.

- Wow, great, bye.

You gonna take Sally to the dance tonight?

- I would hope so.

I did ask her, didn't I?

- That doesn't mean shit to Chuck Sugar.

He'll probably break both your legs before the dance.

- We'll see.

- [Mr. White] Hello, boys.

- Oh, hello, Mr. White.

- Listen, I want you boys to know

how happy Gladys and I are.

I can't thank you enough.

- [Nicholas] Great, that's terrific.

- Oh, and Alex, we'd like to rent

that camera another week, okay?

- Sure, no problem, Mr. White.

- No problem.

- [Mr. White] Great, you boys enjoy the dance tonight.

- Bye, I'm off.

- Hey, you look great.

- Hey hey, really, ooh, your first homecoming.

You nervous?

- Not really.

- Oh, liar.

- Drive safely.

- Did you forget something?

- I can't go out there.

- Why not?

- Chuck Sugar's out there.

If he sees me go get Sally, he'd kill me.

- He wouldn't do that.

- He might try.

- She'd probably wind up going with him anyway.

He's more her type.

- Hey, don't get so fatalistic now.

If you stand up to him, he's gonna respect you.

- He's gonna kill me.

- He's not a bad kid, he's just dumb as hell.

You just have to know how to handle the type.

It's all psychological.

- It's all right, I'll go with him.

- Alex, have you gone mad?

- Oh you're right.

Oh wow, that's not the way to go about it.

Here, you take it.

- Give me that gun.

- What are you doing?

(sighing)

(crickets chirping)

- Hey, that little wimp's headed to his car.

- He's probably going for some zit medicine.

(engine starting)

- Yeah, yeah, I knew it wouldn't be him.

He doesn't have the guts.

That prick pulled her into her drive.

- I didn't think he had a license.

- Yeah, he got his permit yesterday.

Watch this.

(doorbell ringing)

(engine revving)

- Sally, it's Chuck.

(engine revving)

(doors opening and closing)

- You going somewhere, wimp?

- Well, uh, I was just going out, and, uh.

- With her?

- Her?

Oh, Sally, yeah.

You see, Chuck, I don't think she wants

to go to the dance with you.

In fact, I don't think she likes you very much.

- Well why don't you let her decide that, wimp.

You really wanna go to the dance with me, don't you?

- Well, not really.

In fact, you're blocking my driveway right now.

- So why don't you do what the lady says

and get your car outta the drive?

Now, Chuck, don't cause trouble.

- Come on, wimp.

Oh, shit.

(thudding)

- You all right?

- Hey, Chuck.

(tires squealing)

- You all right?

- You were wonderful, you were great.

Didn't you see him?

(laughing)

Oh God.

(laughing)

You were wonderful, Alex, you were wonderful.

I am so proud of you, I am so proud of you.

♪ Far away

♪ I watched you til the stars came out at night ♪

♪ How I wished that I could hold you tight, mm-hmm ♪

♪ But it was just a dream

♪ From far away

♪ You took my heart and soul and left me here ♪

♪ All I wanted was to feel you near ♪

♪ I know that we were meant to be ♪

♪ Gotta get close to you

♪ Feel your real desire

♪ Gotta get close to you

♪ My heart's on fire

♪ Gotta get close to you

♪ I see no reason to be alive

♪ Love won't let me wait

♪ Forevermore

♪ I love you

♪ Forevermore

♪ I need you

♪ Forevermore

♪ I want you

♪ Forevermore

♪ Help me find a way

(soft music)

♪ Help me find a way

♪ Help me find a way

(soft music)