Original subtitles

No, we're just about there.

Yeah, we're passing the birth room. Yeah, in the black. Yeah, that's right.

we're just right, almost at the Hagedorn's house.

That's right, yeah. We're getting close.

Yeah, anticipation building.

Anticipation building, building, building, and... What is it? What, what?

It's big, isn't it?

It's bigger than last year.

You know what?

I'm gonna have to say it is.

I'm so jealous. Don't be jealous. That's why I'm here, to paint you a little

picture. Deliver you a little piece of stock you will write to your Manhattan

doorstep. Hey, there's Mr.

Hagedorn. Hey, Mr.

Hagedorn, it's looking pretty great this year.

Thanks.

This isn't even all of it yet.

Why, are you this more?

Wow.

Tell Carol about the carolers.

Carol? There's carolers.

Molly, we missed you.

Yeah, we missed you.

I wish I was there. And Mike, ten bucks and you go join them carolers. Oh, no,

man. Wait a second. I was going to bet you ten bucks. I was going to politely

for you to get off the phone.

Ten bucks. I want to hear some of that sweet old Mike Burton gospel goodness.

No, he's not.

Yeah. Yeah, he is, aren't you? I'm afraid he is. You made me proud, baby.

Strike the horse and join the chorus.

Oh, la, la, la, la.

Raise the goblin in the forest. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Spice the porridge in the cafe.

Anybody? Come on. Hey. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Don't stop singing on my

couch. There's too much fun to be had this evening.

You have bonnets. I have nothing. La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Watch in the.

Looking for you. Oh. Are you on your way out? Oh, yeah. I just finished doing

all the research on my article and the fact -checking. All that's left now is

the writing, so I figured I could tackle that in Stuckyville.

Bye. Well, I had an inspiration just now on the ride up. I thought it'd be

perfect for your next article. Oh.

Well, just listen. It's really good. You ready?

Elevator dating.

Come on. Think about it. It's a sort of how -to on meeting eligible singles in

your building.

Timing your rides, breaking the silence barrier, elevator pickup line, and...

How to avoid the awkward ride after a bad date.

It's just something I think you could really have fun with.

To be truthful, I was really looking forward to this piece I'm doing on

performance. I think I found an angle that really gives it some weight.

If you could see the lives that some of these people lead.

Listen, I'll tell you what.

Let's run with the elevator thing for now. And then later, maybe somewhere

the line, you can do the street performer piece.

That way all the work you've done won't be for naught. How'd that sound?

That sounds great. Good.

Have a nice holiday. My best to Ted.

Ted. Uh -huh.

Wow.

Mike, it's really taking shape.

Oh, it'll be cool. These guys always cost twice as much, take twice as long

they say.

Owners in the house, everybody pretend you're working.

Just kidding.

Sort of. Hey, Owen.

Whoa.

Bobby. Yeah? Hand me that.

Can't have that.

So how's it looking?

We're still going to be back in by Christmas, right?

And by that, she means this Christmas.

Gee, Dr. Burton, thanks for the confidence.

I'm just saying, Christmas is four days away. There's still a giant hole in the

ceiling. Holy cow, how'd that get there?

Look, Burton, if I said you'd be in by Christmas, you'll be in by Christmas.

Did I say you'd be in by Christmas?

Yeah, yeah.

That's why we hired you. Kitty, have a little faith.

I don't know. Maybe we should make alternate plans.

No, Mike. It's probably the first Christmas that Sarah's really going to

remember. And I want it to be in our own home.

All right, boys. Back to work. Time breaks over.

That's not what I want for Christmas.

Too bad. I already bought you a Juana man on DVD.

Special edition?

You got a customer.

Bill.

Sorry about that.

Taking a four -hour lunch break again.

What can I get for you?

Size 8.

Cool.

Eddie?

Yeah.

Ed Stevens.

That time you said it like you know me.

Oh, my God. It's you.

You do know me.

And I know you, right?

Of course.

I have no idea who you are.

We used to work together about 100 years ago, right behind this counter, as a

matter of fact.

No, no.

Celeste? Yeah.

Celeste Royce. It's easy now, actually.

Holy cow.

Wow. What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm just in town for the holidays. Just thought I'd check out the old

workplace. Part of a nostalgia tour.

Sure. Well, that's fantastic.

You look, I mean, you look completely different. Different, yeah.

Yeah, I know. Yeah, I kind of grew out of my awkward, gangly stage.

Yeah, I'll say.

I'm a model now.

Wow, really? You're a model?

No. Thank you for believing me.

That was really nice. No, I'm an orthodontist. I have a practice up in

Oh, wow. Well, good for you.

Ed, you're still working here?

Yeah, yeah, still working here.

No, I mean, not high school. I'm a lawyer now. I bought a second wall a few

years back. You own... Ducky ball?

I own a ducky ball.

Oh, my God. I know.

Wow. Does that mean I get a bowl for free?

You know what? I'll even throw in the shoes.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Penning a pin?

Oh, no. Here we go. I'm feeling lucky.

Excuse me.

Ed. Mr. Hagedorn.

Can I talk to you a sec?

Um, yeah, sure.

You know what, Cici? Sorry.

I'll take a rain check on the bowling. No, no, that's fine. Go do your thing.

Okay. Yeah.

You look great.

You look great.

Have a seat, Michigan.

Okay, thanks.

I feel bad bothering you like this going into the holidays, but what can I do?

What's the problem? I'm being sued over my Christmas lights. It's one of my

neighbors. Neighbors suing you over your lights?

Well, here.

Take a look at this.

I don't know.

Everybody. is so darn lawsuit -happy these days. I'm with Shakespeare.

First thing we do is kill all the lawyers.

Oh, no offense.

None taken.

So?

So it's a nuisance, sir.

Aren't they all?

I'm talking in a legal sense. Basically, your neighbor, Donald McHale, here,

he's claiming that your lights cause an unreasonable annoyance to the rest of

the neighborhood, hence nuisance.

That's crazy.

What are we going to do about it?

What are we... Oh, um...

I'm sorry, Mr. Hagedorn. I'm not really in a position to take on new clients

right now. I'm actually moving in a few days. You can tell the place here is

kind of crazy.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, sure.

Thanks,

Ed.

Actually, why don't I have a talk with this Mr. McHale and see if he can't

figure out what this is all about.

Thanks a lot. You're welcome. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Oh, do you realize I cannot see a thing? That's not even the point of you having

my hands over your eyes.

Hey.

You did all the tax games.

Yeah. Yeah, I attacked this place like a whirling diver. Yeah.

Bet you didn't know you were married to a whirling dervish, did you? I never

thought about it. Well, I used to be a regular dervish. Then I learned how to

whirl. You put those two skills together, and the whirl's your oyster,

friend. Wow.

Yeah.

What?

Nothing. Looks great. Looks great.

Oh, see, you were expecting the Christmas tree and the lights and all

stuff, weren't you?

No,

it's fine. It's just, it looks so, I don't know, official like this, you

Well, yeah, officially.

We're two crazy kids in love moving to the Big Apple. New York City, my friend.

That we are. And we're barking on a mixed marriage.

Well, I'm a dervish. You're not. How are we going to raise the kids?

We can raise them dervish. See, that's going to make my mom very happy.

What are you talking about? I got one more to describe your selection, that

crapola. You don't know anything.

This is a perfectly fine Christmas tree right there. No, it's not. It's top

heavy. Except they over pruned it as a sapling.

You don't know anything. What can I do for you, gentlemen?

Uh, well, we're in the market for a tree. You have come to the right place.

that right? Yes.

I'm so sure about that.

You've got a problem with my product?

I've got everything under the moon here.

It's not so much quantity as it is quality.

What you looking for?

Scotch pine?

Norway spruce? Regular balsam? Douglas fir.

I'm in the market for a top shelf Douglas fir.

I got just the one, friend.

The Dougieette. They're right over here.

Ma 'am, you want to give me a hand?

Hey, yeah, that'd be great.

You're my hero, Eddie.

That's right.

You know that my dad put up an artificial tree this year? Is that

I mean, can you imagine? He put one up thinking that we wouldn't notice.

Oh, no, see, you can't do that. You know, the lights hang different on a

tree, and the smell alone can give you away in under two seconds.

Oh, no, he thought about that. Oh, really? You know those pine air

that you hang from the rearview mirror? Uh -huh.

He used them as ornaments.

Oh, no. See? These cotton -picking things should be out loud. The

tree or the air fresheners? Both.

Right. See what you can do about that, will you? I can make some calls.

Thanks.

All right. Well, I don't want to keep you. I'm sure your family wants to pick

out a tree, so... Oh, no. I know. No family.

Oh, no? No.

Are you married?

No. Not yet.

No? No.

All right. Well, I'll see you around.

Okay. Okay.

Thanks. See ya.

What are you doing?

What is wrong with me, Mike? Why didn't I say it?

Super Bowl, Ed.

Why didn't I tell CT I was engaged to Carol? I mean, the conversation was

probably begging for it. No, I had every opportunity.

Come on, toss it up.

Not my house, baby.

What the heck?

Come on, that was awesome.

I'm engaged to Carl Vesey. How easy was that? Why couldn't I just have done that

the other night?

It's basically genetics, Ed.

It's just that a Cro -Magnon man walks the earth. He's got certain things out

conversation that might make him unappealing to hot Cro -Magnon women.

if every caveman was up front and honest, I'd speak to him and die an

million years ago.

Is that your way of saying I'm attracted to her?

I've found enough of her to know she's pretty hot.

She's hot, Mike.

She's hot as in she's attractive.

All right. It doesn't mean I'm attracted to her.

Attracted. Attracted to. All right. Very similar words. Very different meanings

in this case.

He thinks my friend protests too much. Oh, I don't. Get out.

It doesn't feel like writing.

Honey, you couldn't write anything.

Yeah, but how do you give elevator dating meaning?

Well, kind of interesting.

Okay. You know what? Just knock it out and get it over with. But that's not

writing should be.

Well, look, I don't know. I don't think I'm going to make it.

party oh no you're coming come on there's gonna be lots of old classmates

bound to be there yes and i need your sarcastic commentary without that what's

the point yeah i don't know i just i i really gotta knock out this article okay

okay fine fine here's the truth i want to show you off you finally have it all

the guy the life in new york and and best of all you are a big time writer

you never know someone may want your autograph enough I'm not signing any

autographs. Oh, now she's not signing autographs. Nice attitude. That's not

I mean. I know what you mean, and I don't want to hear it. All right? In a

days, you are going to be doing it. You are going to be living your dream. Come

on. Come celebrate.

Mr. McGill, thanks for coming in on such short notice. I should have warned you.

I'm in the process of moving from here. I can understand why. It must be

impossible to run a legitimate law practice out of a bowling alley.

This is my son, Joel.

Oh, Joel, Joel McHale. Didn't we, we went to high school together. You two

each other? We traveled in different circles.

I'm an attorney in New York now. Oh, is that right? Well, I used to practice in

New York.

Yeah, I know.

Question.

Mr. McHale, are you sure you want to spend your holidays suing your neighbor?

father here has a very strong case.

General Newthons, public and private Newthons, attractive Newthons. Don't you

think you're reaching a little bit, Joel?

Hagedorn's property is both attractive and potentially dangerous to curious

children. It's like one gigantic, lit -up, abandoned refrigerator. What

about the display bought is you, Mr. McHale? I mean, other than the light

pouring into my window, the crowds, the noise, the trash, the endless stream of

traffic. And is Mr. Hagedorn aware of how you feel?

Nah. Well, I'll tell you what. Why don't I talk to him? See if we can get some

concessions here. You know, maybe scaling back, turning the lights off

Perhaps we can talk about someone cleaning up the street in the morning.

that be amenable?

Yeah, I've been patient this long.

He's been patient for too long.

I finally convinced him to take some action.

How long is he supposed to suffer? I don't know, Joel. What do you say, Mr.

McHale?

Yeah, that'd be all right. Great, that's great. Thank you very much, sir. Thanks

for coming in, Joel. Ed.

We'll be in touch.

Good.

Joel. Ed.

Oh, Mike, look at this.

Owners in the house. Everybody pretend they're working.

Just kidding.

You made that joke yesterday.

Did I?

What's up?

I'll tell you what's up. Our patience is up. Our little daughter is kind of

being home for Christmas. Mike, it does seem that that hole is just a niche

bigger than before.

No.

It's a whole hell of a lot bigger than before.

Hey, just tell me, Doc, don't assume I don't know anything about construction.

Oh.

You swung a hammer?

Yeah, sure. I built the whole house once.

Is that so?

Hmm? What was it? One of those kid houses?

No, from scratch.

Framing on out.

Huh. Didn't have you pegged for the type, Doc.

Apologize if I found it patronizing.

Oh, that's okay. No harm done. You tell little Sarah Santa won't have any

trouble finding her this Christmas.

Yeah, that was good.

Even if you just have to lie.

I didn't lie. I built a house.

What house?

Birdhouse.

It's not that this guy was arrogant, you know. It's just that he wanted to be

arrogant. He was working so hard at it. Such a typical New York City lawyer

thing to do. I knew a hundred guys like Joel McHale when I was there.

Joel McHale?

Yeah.

I knew Joel McHale in high school.

Actually, kind of liked him.

Are you kidding me?

No. Sophomore year, I had a huge crush on him.

Oh.

Hey, Kyle, let me ask you something.

Say you're running to Joel McHale to go tonight. Say he looks good. Say he looks

amazing, like better than you ever remembered him looking.

Does he?

No, no.

Hypothetically, he looks amazing.

Hypothetically. So you hang out, you have a few drinks, you have a few

you know, you're getting along, you have a good time. Does that mean that... I

mean, you wouldn't say you're attracted to him, would you?

Are you jealous that I used to have a crush on Joel McHale?

No, what? No, no, no.

What I'm asking, did the idea of marriage ever scare you?

Is that what you're asking?

No, the monogamy aspect. The fact that you and I are saying we'll never see

anyone else ever and ever again.

You open one door, you're bound to close some others.

Yeah, but this is closing a door and locking it forever and ever.

Should I be concerned that you're asking me this?

No, no.

What I'm asking is, you're okay knowing I'm Ed.

I'm all you're going to get forever and ever.

Maybe it's a gender thing.

I don't think about it so much as what I'm giving up is what I'm getting.

Yeah, hi,

Steven.

He's... What?

Yeah, no, hang on. I'll be right there. I'm going to have to meet you at the go.

What happened?

Agadorn's in jail.

All right, I got to finish this up anyhow.

Bye. Hi, I'm sorry.

You're holding a client of mine, Matt Stevens' lawyer, Mr. Alan Hagedorn?

Oh, yeah, Mr. Christmas.

Mr. Christmas. What's Mr. Christmas being charged with?

Assault and battery.

Apparently he and a neighbor got into it out on the front lawn. Put on quite a

show for the folks who come to see the lights.

Joel? Ed?

Joel McHale, counsel for Donald McHale.

Oh, great.

The other one. Quite a compromise you ironed out, Stevens.

What?

What's that supposed to mean? You think it's my client's fault? How is it my

client's fault? How about the fact that it stemmed from his life?

How about the fact it stemmed from your lawsuit? May I see the police report,

please? Me too. Me first. Guys, truth is, I don't want to hold either one of

these guys.

They insist on pressing charges against each other.

Doesn't leave me much choice.

Why should he drop the charges? Your client here assaulted him with a club.

Club? It was a candy cane. Four -foot candy cane.

Made of styrofoam.

And then only after you kick the heads off of Donner and Blitzen. That still

doesn't justify assault and battery. By trespassing, your father put his own

safety in jeopardy, not to mention kicking the head off a plastic reindeer,

which is destruction of private property. Look, I'm not the Grinch. I

Christmas. But the fact is, everybody on the block hates your lights, Hagedorn.

Everybody loves my lights.

They're proud to live on the same block. Trust me, they hate them. They love

them. Hate them. Love them. Hate.

Gentlemen, let's let the neighborhood decide.

What are you talking about? Here's what I'm talking about. We'll put it to a

vote. We'll let the neighborhood decide.

Whatever the neighbors decide goes, we'll all abide by it. But first, you

have to agree to drop charges against one another. What do you say?

Mr. Hagedorn?

Yeah, sure.

Are you kidding?

It'll be a landslide. Oh, you are in for a serious surprise, Hagedorn. Does that

mean you're in?

Joel? Ed, you in?

All right. Deal.

Deal. Deal. Deal. Deal. Deal.

Hey, nice. Nice dress.

Is that Eddie? Hi, you just getting here?

Hey, yeah. Hey, where's Carol?

I don't know. I thought she would be with you.

Nah, you know what? She's probably still writing that article.

What's up?

Oh, you haven't really missed anything. Nobody's drunk enough yet to get to the

full stuff.

Well, that sounds like my cue. Drinks, anyone? Wally?

I'm good. I'm good. I got a punch. You're a suspect.

What do you want? I'll get it for you.

Beer, please.

Beer would be fun.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Reward for helping me with the tree last night.

Oh, yeah. Well, thank you.

How is your Christmas tree? Oh, it's great. It's up, it's decorated, and more

importantly, it's real.

Yeah. Christmas trees should be real, right? They have to be real. Christmas

tree smell, Christmas tree legs.

Mistletoe.

Merry Christmas, Ed.

Merry Christmas.

Hey. Hey. Come on, pale there, buddy.

I got trouble.

What else? You guys kissed?

Yeah, you see that?

Uh, yeah, I saw it right there under the mistletoe.

Yeah, mistletoe.

Mistletoe, that gives me a little leeway, right? I get a little mistletoe

leeway.

I can't be kissing another girl. I can't be attracted to another girl. I can't

be looking at another girl. What am I doing?

What do you think? You get engaged to Carol and never want to look at another

woman? Pretty much.

It doesn't work that way, pal. We're human beings.

We're never meant to be perfectly happy. You get something great in your life

like Carol, there's always going to be a Cece to come along. There's always

going to be a what ifs. What does that mean?

I'm going to be tempted by every woman now that smiles at me from here on in or

makes eye contact? Is that it? No, that would be ridiculous. Only the hot ones.

Hey!

Cece.

You kind of ran off before. I hope I didn't do anything wrong.

I'm engaged.

I'm engaged, betrothed, intended, pledged to be married. I'm engaged.

I'm engaged.

You're engaged? No, I'm engaged.

Got it.

Right. But did this just happen since yesterday?

What?

Well, you just didn't mention it, that's all.

Right. You noticed that. Right.

No, I hadn't. I didn't. I didn't. I hadn't. Because, and the reason for that

Carol. Hi. Oh, honey.

I'm so sorry I'm late. I just really wanted to finish up this article. God,

really crowded.

Yeah, it is. Hey, Carol.

Oh, my God.

Joel McHale?

Ed, Joel, Carol.

Is it a conflict of interest if I hug this man? I'll allow it. Our case is all

but over now anyway.

Isn't that right, Ed, Joel?

So, you're up in New York. Uh -huh. Do you love it?

Yeah, you know, it's a period of adjustment, but yeah, yeah, it's pretty

exciting, and Ed's moving out there with me next week. Yeah, it's interesting.

And you're writing, right? Is that what I heard?

Yeah, it's really no big deal. Bridge and Tunnel magazine?

Yeah, I've seen that. That's great. I know I'm kind of interrupting, but Molly

tells me you're writing in New York now.

Oh, um...

It's just, you know, it's a start, but I guess it is kind of exciting. Hey,

listen, I owe you an explanation.

Well, I owe you a congratulations.

What? Carol Bessie, nice catch, still beautiful and somewhat of a celebrity

I should have told you soon. Wow.

Well, maybe there's a reason you didn't. Well, yeah, you know, that kind of

thing is harder to work in a conversation than you might expect. I

the initial, hey, hello, how are you, what's new phase, then it becomes kind

difficult, you know. Then it becomes like, hey, you know what, it's nice

weather, pass the salt. You know, I'm engaged, and it's kind of awkward and

somewhat presumptuous. Right, or?

Maybe you didn't want to blow your chance at something.

See, I'm just curious.

I'm just curious. Did you happen to mention me to Carol?

That you ran into an old friend at the bowling alley? That you helped me with

Christmas tree? I mean, any mention at all? Yeah.

No. I don't know. Maybe not. Yeah, didn't think so.

Hey. Hey, is this a blast? This spiked. You are a hit. A real ducky bill success

story. I'm a fraud.

I'm thirsty.

What are you talking about? I'm a fraud. I'm Little Miss Two -Face. I've been

spending the entire evening telling people that I've got a great job.

You do.

Remember the dream?

The dream is a nightmare.

Well, Kel, ever since I've known you, you've wanted to be a writer, and now

are a writer. Writing about elevator romance and any other number of

inane topics?

When was that my dream?

Wow, have you told Abby you're this unhappy?

He's... sacrificing so much for me. The bowling alley, his practice, his

friends, all for me. So what, you're going to just suffer quietly and muster

For now, yeah. Well, that's ridiculous.

Maybe, maybe, maybe Bridge and Tunnel magazine is just me paying my dues and

things are bound to get better once Ed gets there, right?

Still, you have to tell him. No, I can't. You have to.

Are you going to say something?

No. Wait, were you going to say something? No, it looked like you were

to... No, no, I... It looked like you were going to... No, nothing I can think

of.

Me neither.

Excuse me. Hi, everybody. Listen, thanks for coming on down.

As I'm sure you're all aware, there's been some recent conflict over Mr.

Hagedorn's Christmas lights, mostly because someone's finally had the

come out and voice what all of you are probably feeling. Or not feeling.

In the interest of resolving the matter, the two parties involved have agreed to

let you decide what to do about Mr. Hagedorn's life. Really quite simple.

What we'd like to do is put it to a vote, all right? So everybody on the

that's in favor of keeping Mr. Hagenhorn's Christmas lights, come on

and stand over here on the right.

And those of you who'd like to see the lights come down, come over here on the

left. Or the right.

Or the left. Right.

Left.

Okay, folks, now any time, just feel free to come on over here and stand on

right. Left.

Right?

I'm sorry, Alan, but just getting out of control.

All the people, the traffic, and the power surges, too.

I'm sure a lot of people in town love the lights, but they don't live on our

street.

Sorry.

I'm sorry, too, Mr. Hagedorn, but...

It's just too much of an inconvenience.

Bill.

It's supposed to be Christmas.

I'm sorry, Mr. Hagedorn. I don't know what to say. I do.

The lights, they're coming down.

Yeah, you can't even see where the hole is.

Mike, if we have a living room ceiling, that means... A

floor!

Oh, my goodness, I'm so excited to see a floor!

I sat down and I never thought we'd get back in. You've been saying that all

along. Yeah.

Oh, honey.

Oh, they'll fix that.

They won't allow me.

I did it.

You know, they could all have a birdhouse.

My hero.

What is it about power tools? I don't know.

What's up?

Looks like this is it, huh?

Yep. End of an era. Ed Stevens, bowling alley owner. About to become Ed Stevens.

Former bowling alley owner.

You had a good run. There's no shame in that.

Yeah, good run. I know. It's just going to be tough saying goodbye to the old

gal. You know what I mean?

All right. Enough about you.

Stop by.

I tell you that tomorrow we get back in the house, you're rid of us.

Great news. I have something to celebrate. You want a beer?

No.

Nancy's waiting for me to do some last -minute shopping.

Just wanted to check on you.

You thought you were going to catch me crying, right? Yeah.

That was kind of open.

What's that?

It's the end of an era, Ed.

It's the end of an era. All the great ones from Laverne and Shirley to Mary

Tyler Moore, they all do the slow turn, nod, and hit the lights.

You understand I'm the one who's leaving, right?

Yeah, but how many chances like this am I going to get?

See you, buddy.

Genente, right?

Yeah.

Thought it'd be nice to come down and have one last beer with the owner.

Just a beer, Ed.

I promise.

Okay, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

Who was the guy that only worked here for a summer?

Red hair, like crazy red hair.

Do you remember him?

Yeah, no, I know who he is. Yeah, what was his name? Scott. Stu.

Stu!

Stu.

Do you remember how he kept getting his fingers stuck in the balls?

Yeah.

Creepy, right?

He's totally creepy.

Yeah, remember that?

Yeah. And a little help.

You're going to miss this place, aren't you?

Yeah, I reckon I am.

I know I have.

You have?

Yeah, we had a lot of fun here.

Yeah, we did.

You want to know something funny?

I do, always.

Do you?

Back then, working with you was probably the closest I've ever come to a date.

Oh, come on. I'm sure that's not true.

No, no, no. Sadly, it is. Sadly, it is. Those were the...

The last days, there weren't exactly a lot of guys lining up.

Well, I'm sure there's no shortage of guys lining up now.

No, you know, there are guys, but just not any good ones.

You know, maybe it's the holidays or I'm just being nostalgic.

But I can't stop thinking about you.

I'm engaged.

I told you that, right?

Yeah.

You told me that.

But that could mean one of two things.

Either I'm too late, or I'm just in time.

Say hi, Gador.

Hey, Ed.

Every other year, this has stayed up through the new year.

I never thought I'd be doing this on Christmas Eve.

Yeah, listen, that's why I came by. I wanted to say I'm sorry that things went

the way they did.

Not your fault.

The neighborhood has spoken.

These kids keep asking me what I'm doing. I'm half of mine to tell them to

ask their darn parents why I'm pulling the plug.

But I think they're just kids.

Yeah. Those kids.

There's a Christmas tree in the corner, honey. I don't care if we have to...

Hey, Owen!

Go ahead.

Say it.

I'm afraid I got some bad news.

Not that little thing. Owners in the house? Yeah.

Step back.

What? What happened?

Looks like one of my guys ran a three -inch screw into the bedroom floor where

two -inch screw belonged.

Punctured a pipe.

Damn him.

So we have a plumbing leak.

How bad is it? Just a trickle, and I can redo the ceiling.

But? But the water got into the electrical.

It shorted the panel.

So until I can get an electrician back here, you got no power, which means you

got no heat, which means you got no Christmas here.

You know, I tend to kid a bit.

That's only because I know I can get the job done.

But now... It's okay.

No.

I feel terrible.

Well, I tell you what, Alan. It's Christmas Eve.

In the spirit of the holiday, why don't we all just forget about it?

You're all right, Doc.

I'll clean this mess up.

Remember the spirit, Nance.

Come on, Stevens, you're killing me. What's this about?

Well, I wanted to talk about our agreement, folks.

What was our agreement again? It was to get everyone from the street together

for a vote. Am I right? That was a deal we shook on? Yes, which we did. And we

got the neighborhood consensus.

Take the lights down. But oops, we forgot someone.

A whole bunch of someone's actually. And you know what?

They've gone and signed a petition.

Who are these people? And why do they have such bad penmanship?

They're the neighborhood kids. The neighborhood kids outnumber.

The neighborhood adults and, lo and behold, the neighborhood kids voted

unanimously to keep Mr. Hagenorn's Christmas lights. Oh, come on.

It's just plain sad.

They're kids. Their votes don't count.

Mr. Stevens apologizes for wasting your time. Their votes don't count?

The kids' votes don't count at Christmas?

No, the kids' votes count, and especially at Christmas. Why?

Because what's Christmas for? It's for kids. It's for families. It's for

festivities and lights. And I know Mr. Hagenorn's Christmas lights are an

inconvenience. But you know what?

So is Christmas shopping. So is wrapping Christmas presents. So is mailing

Christmas cards. I'm particularly bad at that one myself because it's

inconvenient. The whole thing, one big fat inconvenience. But you know what? We

do it, don't we? And in the end, we're glad we did. Why?

Because it's Christmas.

It's Christmas.

Are you done, Ed?

I'm not quite done, Joel. I would like to add one more little inconvenience to

all of our lives and suggest that we retake the vote on Mr. Hagenhorn's

Christmas lights one more time. This time, all of us.

I thought you guys got your... Didn't you guys get your house back? Yeah, we

were into some trouble.

Oh, what kind of trouble?

I shouldn't ask you, I'll tell you. Probably two or three hundred times.

Really? I'm sorry. Well, you and Nancy are welcome to spend Christmas right

at Stevens.

Give me a hand with this bad boy, will you? Wait, what do you got there? Scotch

pine? Yeah,

scotch pine. Why, is that a problem?

I got a hell of a dozen spread on the car. Ah, you know what they say, Mike.

Scotch pine in the house is worth two duggies up to the car.

Yeah, so, uh... Don't worry about that.

Hello, young Edward.

What's happening with you and Cece?

It's all over.

You two broke up?

Yeah, Mike, we broke up.

Right here. Did you ever welcome me to the club?

What club? The club of lifelong monogamy.

Yeah.

How is that club?

It's good.

Okay. Very good.

Am I going to have to call Cece myself?

Was that right?

Yeah, as soon as she said it was you.

Think about how she feels about a real man. It's funny. It's the same thing I

said to Nancy.

It's funny.

Oh, my God.

A little more of what you had in mind?

Uh -huh.

Thank you so much. It's beautiful.

Merry Christmas.

Can we get there?

I want you to read this, and I want you to tell me what you think.

You need to be brutally honest with me, Ed.

Very important.

Right, yeah. Just put it right there. I'll get right to it.

Why don't I read it right now?

Crazy. Crazy?

Yeah.

Crazy, crazy is one of those words that have a lot of different meanings, and

I'm not sure that I've got the confidence or really inner strength as a

being right now to narrow down the precise meaning of what you may or may

trying to get at in this exact moment.

I would love to keep chatting, but it's time to play our game. I really need to

know what you're thinking, exactly what you're thinking.

This is fantastic.

Really?

Really fantastic.

You're not just saying that, are you? Because if you're just saying that, I

have no choice but to deliver my death punch to your ribcage. Carol.

You're a writer.

This is amazing.

But it's not bridge and tunnel. No. No, it's not. I can't write about elevator

dating anymore.

What are you saying?

I'm saying... I want to write this.

Yeah, this is amazing.

I can write this.

Anywhere.

Driving you nuts?

Nuts? Why?

Because I moved from New York to Stuckyville for you, then agreed to

Stuckyville and move back to New York for you, and now I'm agreed not to move

back to New York, but rather stay in Stuckyville for you? No.

Oh, my God, I'm a horrible person, but I will do the same for you. You know

that? Good. Let's move to North Dakota. No way. That's what I thought.

But I will buy you some cocoa. I'll take you up on that.

Hi.

Hi.

You have a good man there.

What was that about?

Two, please.

What? What? I'm a good man. Is that such a secret?

No, seriously.

What was that about?

Nothing. Always nothing. Thank you very much. All right. You want to know what

that was about?

Honestly? I should hope so.

For the past few days, that woman's been trying to seduce me.

You know.

I'm serious.

Uh -huh. No, she's been trying to seduce me. She's made her intentions and

desires for me very clear. She put herself out there. But you know what? I

resisted. I walked away.

Ew. That's right.

And her? Right there for the day.

She raped me. No.

She totally, totally wanted me.

You've been hitting the eggnog. I have not at all.

Let's do this. Merry Christmas. I hate you.