Original subtitles

The House of the Seven Gables. I love that book.

Really? Oh yeah, yeah. I'm a huge Hawthorne fan.

Huge.

Matter of fact, what's it about?

What, what, The House of the Seven Gables about? Mm -hmm. About Gables.

Okay, I haven't read it. I haven't read it, but you know, you're teaching it, so

I love it.

I used to love it.

What do you mean, used to? Well, you tried teaching it 999 ,999 times.

Does that make this $999 ,999, huh?

Or the $1 million?

Hold that thought.

Trick or treat!

Hey! Hey!

It's the beautiful pirate, Carol!

Come look at the beautiful pirate!

Oh! You are beautiful, but Halloween's not for another week.

Hey, could you explain the situation?

Well, let's just say that the joys of trick -or -treating were kind of lost on

old Sarah here last Halloween.

Yeah, she freaked out and screamed at everybody when they came in the door.

Nothing to be ashamed of, sweetie.

So Mike and I decided he should take her on a daylight dry run, you know, so she

could get her Halloween legs.

Look, a tree.

Oh, that's excellent.

Carol, get the Halloween candy.

I don't have any. I haven't bought it yet.

It's not for another week.

That's some training down the tubes.

No, not a problem.

Cereal bar, it's weak.

It's weak.

Well, why don't you come with me? I've got some gum in my purse.

Well, you definitely dropped the ball on your side of things, Ed. You know why,

young professional?

Because I had other Halloween -related themes on my mind.

What?

Take a treat.

Watchin'.

Do you recognize this man?

Say, uh, I don't know.

Uh, I don't know. Keith Kessler.

Hey, how'd you know it was me? Because every teacher remembers her students by

their, uh, I don't know.

Yeah, they're like retina scans.

Plus, how could I forget a prized pupil? Hi.

Oh, hey.

So, um, tell her what you're doing now.

Uh, actually, I'm a writer up in New York. What? Yeah, he's been published by

New York Magazine and Rolling Stone.

Wow. Can you believe it? No.

I can't.

He's going to start his own magazine when he gets back to New York. Your own

magazine?

That's great. Your own magazine. That's just great.

Hey, Carol, what if Keith comes by and speaks to your class tomorrow? You know,

let them see a real Stucky Bill success story.

No way. Seriously?

That would just be the best.

Guys, thank you so much for helping me out.

Hey, not a problem.

We scratch your back, you scratch ours.

I don't have an age just yet, but you never know.

Please know that the statements made by Warren Cheswick do not reflect the views

of Mark Vanacore.

Yeah, trust me, I know.

Wait here.

Joe, come on in.

Guys, this is Joe Risby. Joe, this is Mark Vanacore and Warren Cheswick. Hey,

pleasure. What's up?

Joe transferred here from California, and I was hoping you guys could take him

around and show him the ropes.

Looks young.

What grade are you in, son?

I'm a freshman. Ah, new to the game. Good. Gives us something to work with.

Well, I guess we shouldn't waste any time. Let's get you out there and see

you handle a haul. Yeah. These guys will take good care of you, Joe.

So where in Cali are you from?

San Francisco. Oh, Frisco. Cool.

You weren't really close at Frisco. Ah, I'm testing you, my man. Oh, I'm

kidding.

What can I do for you, Dr. Jerome?

Dr. Burton, I just got off the telephone with my granddaughter, Kate.

She's in her first year of college.

and she thinks she wants to be a doctor.

Oh, that's great. You must be really proud. You know, I remember the first

I told my papa, that's what I call my granddad, I wanted to be a doctor.

fascinating, truly fascinating. As I was saying, I think she wants to be a

doctor because she has no idea of what being a doctor truly entails.

She thinks it's like they portray it on the idiot boxes.

You know, beautiful people healing beautiful people in 60 minutes.

Yeah, it's so unfair how they portray us.

Sorry, go on.

I've decided to ask Kate to come by for a few weeks, observe real doctors, see

how much strength and resolve it takes to work in this field.

That sounds fine to me. I'll do my best to take care of her.

Take care of her?

She'll be in good hands.

Didn't you hear a word I said? She's not here to be in good hands. She's here to

be under an iron fist. I want her tested.

I want to ground into a fine powder, and then we're going to add water to that

powder and see if we have a medical student.

Before she goes any further into this game, we've got to see if she's got the

right stuff.

That's what you want to call it, Sluggo? Fine by me.

But make sure she has it.

Awesome. Hey, Carol, this is great. Hey, listen, you're just in time for the

inaugural Stucky Bowl strip bowling tournament.

Oh, no, I'm going to have to pass. Oh, Carol, you're missing out.

If I bowl, I'm going to lose. And right now, I already feel loserly enough. The

last thing I need is to have that feeling reinforced.

Oh, what's the matter? Oh, one of my old students came by the high school today,

and wouldn't you know it, he's a writer now, a published writer, and he's

starting his own magazine.

I am still a teacher at Stuckyville High, and this kid, this average student

Beth, has just...

He slapped me.

Listen, why don't you just have him read something?

That I've written?

No, thank you. Why not?

Because it's so weird. It's kind of lame.

It is. I was his teacher, and I'm begging him to read something of mine,

You're not begging him. You're asking him. That's what people do. Listen,

worry about all that stuff.

You're a good writer. You really are a good writer. I think you should do this.

I really do. I think you should do it.

I strongly recommend this stairway over the one at the end of the hall. Yeah,

this one's nice and open. The other one's kind of dark and secluded.

Get cornered in there, it's like you're out in a prison laundry room. I've been

pushed up those stairs 14 times. Pushed up the stairs?

It's actually more unsettling than being pushed down.

Let's have a look at your schedule.

Uh -oh, red flag.

Okay, you're going to want to go ahead and get out of geometry with Mr.

Why? Let's just say thank. I like to hook up with Captain Morgan in the

His good days are good, but his bad days are just not worth it. Leave me alone.

Oh, it's that time of the day.

I told Jimmy once, I've told him a thousand times, carrying your band

is like wearing a bullseye on your chest. I'm going to move and say

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is not the time or the place for heroes, Joe.

Jimmy would be the first to tell you that. But take a lesson, okay? They're

kids and they're geeks. They're predators and prey. And you can't change

okay? The best you can do is just listen and learn and minimize your chances of

being a victim. And even that won't always help. I mean, Jimmy just happened

walk down the hall at 10 .56.

The exact time as Chucky Borowitz, who happens to love tormenting Jimmy. Well,

then what do you do?

Last resort, try this.

You look at a locker, you pretend it's yours.

Blend.

Blend, okay.

Got it.

Thanks. And now for the moment you've been waiting for.

You open the magazine, you look for your article, and you discover that they

misspelled your name.

Yeah, I'm not talking about a couple of vials or constants here. They basically

gave you a whole new nationality.

Okay, class, that's it. Give it up for Keith.

All right. Thank you. You're too kind.

You're too kind. Thank you. Thanks. Have a good day. Hey, thanks a lot.

That's really good. Thank you.

Wow. Yeah, give it up, huh?

Well, I drank you up at the Times. That was great, though. Thank you. No, thank

you. This was so cool.

Um, listen, Keith, I was wondering if I could ask you a favor.

Yeah, sure.

Could I get your professional opinion of something I've written?

Oh, you're a writer?

Well, I've done a couple pieces for the Stuckyville Progress. Nothing at all

like what you've done, but yeah, a little.

Do you have it here?

I do.

Actually, I've got a couple pieces.

Great.

Are you going to read that now?

Oh, for punctuation and grammar.

Seriously?

No. Don't be nervous, Hayden. I'll just put her on in two seconds.

Relax, buddy.

I tell you what, let's get you acquainted with my friend Kate. Kate,

a question.

Um, do you play any sports, Hayden?

T -ball.

T -ball? I haven't played T -ball in years. What's the strike zone like these

days? There is no strike zone. The ball is on a T.

Well, we're done here.

What? Congratulations.

Just been gripped by the best.

Well, that was impressive.

Oh, simple misdirection. I learned from the best. My granddad. Oh, Doug Henning,

that magical hippie was a mad genius.

Pardon the interruption.

Hey, Pop -Pop.

Pop -Pop?

Dr. Burton, a word, please?

Is there any reason you're ignoring my request, Dr. Burton, or were my

instructions perhaps too complicated to grasp?

Oh, not at all, Dr. Jerome. It just didn't seem like the right moment.

Dr. Burton, what do you see when you look at Kate?

I see a young woman who's ready to apply herself to something she has a keen

interest in. And there's the problem.

You need to see what I saw when you lurched through my door for the first

A big slab of useless rock.

Rock? A boulder.

A big dumb boulder. But that was fine with me because I was Michelangelo.

So I approached you with my chisel and hammer and I pounded away year after

until you became what you are today.

You, Dr. Burton, are my David.

And now it's your turn.

I've given you the rock.

Now sculpt away.

What in Samville is that?

Bahama Mama. I always order beers. I thought I'd mix it up. You went to the

to order that thing? Why didn't you just order it with the rest of us?

I thought you'd make fun of me. You thought right.

Molly? Yes.

Cheers to the Bahama Mama.

Under the table.

Ed, get up and hug me.

Okay.

Now, jump up and down and spin me in a circle. Okay.

Okay.

Why are we doing this again?

Because Keith Kessler read my samples and he said, I have a great voice. And

magazine might have an assignment that is perfect for me.

He wants me to go to New York and meet with the staff. That's awesome. I know.

So pack your bags, baby. We're going to the city.

City. Sounds cooler if you say city.

Wait, hold on. I'm totally happy for you, but I mean, I can't just drop in.

Oh, am I kidding? It's a bowling alley law office.

Let's hit the city.

Yes. Yes.

City.

City.

Going to the city.

Hold on there, Speed Racer.

Hey, hold on a second. Well, you're in New York City, girl. You need to take a

look around.

It's astounding. No, no. That is not how one takes a look around in New York

City. You need to soak it. You need to absorb, like this.

That is how one absorbs.

Ed, I don't have time to absorb. I need to get to a meeting, and I don't want to

be late. Because if I'm late, that makes me a late person. And late people miss

deadlines. Deadline missers, they don't get to write for magazines. You're not

going to be late. You'll be on time. I don't want to be late. I want to be on

time. I need to be early, Ed. I've got to go in and repair.

I need to go in, sell myself, convince these people I'm the kind of person they

want. Somebody urban, somebody hip.

I'm not hip.

You're totally hip. Oh, no, I'm not. No, you're hip.

I am a schoolteacher from Suckyville. Do you know what that makes me? What?

A schoolmarm. You're not a schoolmarm, right? You're hip. You're totally hip.

You're so hip, you have difficulty seeing over your pelvis. And I should

used to live in New York City, all right? You're just hip enough. So,

absorb.

Happy? Very.

Whoa!

What's my time?

This man just ate 12 hot dogs in 3 minutes and 12 seconds. That is...

Unbelievable. I haven't seen anything like that since Kobayashi took down Ed

Cookie Jarvis in Glutton Ball 1. Spin said that I have the stomach of a

12's not bad, but what are you going to do when number 20 comes around the bend?

Hey, man, I would have liked to have seen you in action before your surgery.

This sport took all I had to do. I can imagine.

Fellas, I'm going to need some more soda.

You want another hot dog? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I like that kid.

Hey, he's all right.

Wow.

He's talking to Caroline Hill and Daniel Bouvier.

Holy mother of creatures great and small. They'll eat him alive.

If they don't, those guys will.

You know what? I feel like the young lad is in our care.

We should go over there and do something.

I think you're right.

We'll see.

What are you doing?

You friends with those guys?

What? We have a bar together.

They're cool.

That's the point. They're cool, which also means they're half -witted jerks,

stuck forever in the shallow end of the thought pool.

Oh, they seem all right to me. Ah, young and guileless one.

Trust me, you are so much better than guys like that, all right?

Listen, I'll introduce you to our crew, okay? I'm going to show you how we roll.

All right?

Well, let's go back to the spider.

Spiders bite. It's what they do. But I tell you what, if it keeps on itching,

you give me a call, all right?

Dr. Burton?

Yes?

Good God, what is it now?

Excuse me?

What do you want?

Oh, well, I looked and looked. I couldn't find the Anderson file.

Ah, well, maybe.

That's because I didn't ask for the Anderson file. Why don't you clean out

years of yours?

I thought you said Anderson.

Are you calling me a liar?

No. You think I lie?

Of course not. I figured I misunderstood you, so I pulled the Amberton file.

Here you go.

What are you, deaf?

Well, a little.

In one ear. I fell into the mice when I was a kid and I got stuck, so... I'll

not be called a liar.

Look, I thought we went over this. I can't do it. I know you don't want to

her spirit or any of that nonsense, but she needs this.

It's just not me, Dr. Jerome. I just don't want to do it. It's just not me.

All right? I'm not... Me?

Well, I knew this would happen.

I prepared for it.

Here.

An earpiece.

I got all of this stuff from one of those spy stores.

Tomorrow, I'd like you to wear that, and together we'll toss Kate into the fire

and see how she sizzles.

Excuse me.

Hi,

I'm Carol Vestey. I'm here to meet with Keith Kessler.

Hey, welcome.

Keith, this is my boyfriend. It's Stephen's Ed, Keith Kessler. Good to

Hey, how you doing?

Good. Joe, how are you doing?

I'm good. I'm alone.

Oh, don't be.

Amanda's going to love you. Really? See?

Oh, hi.

You must be Carol Vessi.

Amanda Williams.

Keith's told me some really great stuff about you. Why don't you come on in?

Thanks. Go get them.

Did you get that?

I haven't got a lot of time, so I'll be brief. I read the articles you gave

Keith. I really like them. Thank you. I just don't know if you're ready for this

magazine.

I understand.

Wrong answer.

That last statement was supposed to fill you with determination, and you were

supposed to demand the chance to prove me wrong.

I demand the chance to prove you wrong.

Good. I think we must have something you could be perfect for. We'll call it a

tryout.

What's the assignment?

Celebrity spotting.

I want you to go out there, find some famous folks, talk to them.

Write it up.

If I like it, we'll print it, pay a measly amount for it. If I hate it, it

in the garbage. Fair enough?

Sounds great to me.

Hey, Joe.

What's up, man? What's up? How you doing? Come on down.

Yeah, you know Mark, and this is Jimmy. What's up, Jimmy? Ben. How you doing?

Yeah, Stu won't be saying hello.

Ben bet him a case we write up with CDs that he couldn't sit in that chair for

three hours without moving or talking. Check this out. This is awesome.

Do it!

a regular beefeater.

Actually, the beefeaters talk.

What are you guys playing?

Masters and Minions 2099.

It's like the first one, only far, far nerdier.

And unlike the original, this is more a game of resource management than just

tactical land acquisition.

See? Are you in? Oh, I'll just watch.

All right, that's cool. Yet another advantage of hanging out with us. No

pressure to perform.

Play M &M 2099?

Don't play M &M 2099.

Talk? Don't talk.

Wear jean shorts? Don't wear jean shorts.

Actually, don't. It's all good.

Cool kids, however?

A lot of pressure there.

Hey, your turn. Oh, yeah, sorry.

Are we working on your show tomorrow night? Yes, indeed we are. It's like

left your dark needs a new bed, and that, of course, requires a new set.

Hey, you in show?

I would, man, but everyone's sneaking into the indoor pool at the community

center.

Danielle's going to be there in a swimsuit.

Kind of hard to say no to that. In theory, yes.

I'm a cute girl, cool kids.

Sounds fun. In reality, boring. I mean, a bunch of people making sure they're

all wearing the right clothes, talking to the right people, making the right

jokes.

That's no way to live.

Look, man, I really need your help on this. I got to get the new sets built

before my next taping. Or else I'm screwed.

Please, please, please, please.

All right, all right. I'm in. All right.

Awesome.

I don't even know where to start.

Where'd it start? This is New York City. There's a theater. There's Broadway,

42nd Street, and you're in town and hairspray, and they shoot at least three

versions of Law and Order here. You probably couldn't even throw a rock

hitting someone's face. Well, give me a rock. Come with me.

How do you stop yourself from falling apart and going

under?

Lost in a world that's got your feet set, feet set.

Sorry, no.

I didn't see a single celebrity.

Not even Orbach.

Maybe I should think of another story.

I'm not sure what.

Hold up.

I got it.

Follow me.

There it is, Carol.

Right smack dab in the middle of Broadway. The Great White Way. The

Dreams. The Hello Deli. Why are we going to a deli? Oh, not just any deli. Not

just any deli. This is the Hello Deli, right smack dab in the middle of

Broadway. The Great White Way. The Street of Dreams. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But

are we going here? Is there somebody famous in there?

Oh.

695.

Don't you reckon I'd be able to?

No. Rupert. Rupert G. Owner and operator of the Hello Deli.

Why do I know him? He's a guy Letterman always talks to. Dave Letterman.

Oh, he's not one of the Pakistani guys? No, he's not one of the Pakistani guys.

Haven't you ever seen Psychic Sandwich?

Maybe. Look, look, you want to see celebrities, so hop in there.

Hi. Hi.

I'm doing a piece on celebrity spotting in New York City. I was wondering if I

could ask you a couple questions.

I'm sorry, I don't do press anymore.

Back in 96, I got hosed by some jackass at the Observer.

Good. Right.

How much for that T -shirt?

$39.

Dr. Burton, the eagle has landed and she's five minutes late. Let's let her

it. Are you sure you want to do this? Don't get knobby knees on me now,

Let's do this.

All right.

Hello, Dr. Burton.

Hey, have I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension where six minutes

late actually means right on time?

Can I just accidentally walk in an alternate dimension where six minutes

actually means right on time?

I'm sorry I'm late.

And I'm sorry you have a brain the size of a chiclet.

You can do it, son.

I'm sorry you have the brain the size of a chiclet.

Did you just say I have the brain the size of a chiclet? Would you rather I

tic -tac? Would that make you feel better?

Would you prefer that I said you have the brain the size of a tic -tac? Would

that make you feel better?

There's no need for you to talk to me like that.

I'll be the one who decides what there's a need for here. I am the doctor.

You are nothing.

I am the sun and the moon.

And the stars.

You're dirt.

Why are you acting like this?

This is a business.

It runs on hard work, punctuality, and science.

I was up late studying.

Get out of my sight.

This isn't so bad, huh? Sure beats the hell out of going to some lame indoor

pool.

Yeah, this is great.

Hey, Joe, what's up, guys?

Hey, something we can help you with?

Hey, Matthew, Joe, you've got to come with us. You're going to be bummed if

miss it.

We've got to finish these sets for Warren's show.

We know, so we thought we'd come help out. That way, we'd be done in time to

out.

No way. Are you guys serious?

You know what? Thanks. We kind of got it covered. Too many cooks in the oven,

you know? Wait a minute.

Are those power tools?

Yep. We've got a couple of drills, a saw. And that's the magic word. Join the

fun.

Jeez. Thank you. Take it easy with that.

Where is our waitress?

She's off being busy with other people who are more attractive than us.

So you're kind of quiet.

Maybe you should tell her how much we loved her article.

You did?

It's a great piece, Carol.

It could have been pretty standard issue stuff, but you really came at it from a

funny angle.

From the whole day of disappointment to the Rupert G debacle.

It was really good stuff.

Thank you. Thank you.

In fact, we're going to run it in our first issue.

Really? Really? You are? That's so great. Honey, did you hear that?

I did. You know what? This calls for a celebration.

Where's the... Excuse me one second. I'll be right back.

Okay, so we're going to need a photo to run with the article. Yeah.

And, well,

you ask her.

How'd you like to join our staff?

As a writer.

Full time. We think you'd be an excellent addition.

As long as you keep throwing like this.

There's a lot of creative freedom. You can suggest your own story.

I honestly, I don't know what to say. I'm so overwhelming.

We know it'll be a big transition, but think about it.

Wait, transition?

I would, I'd move here. Of course. The magazine is about New York. Oh, yeah.

That's not a problem, is it?

I don't, um, I need to, uh, I need to think about it and talk it over with Ed.

We'll take a few days.

Carol, we really want you on board.

Yeah.

Hey!

I thought that Casey called for a little champagne. There you go. Did I miss

anything? No, they, um... They, uh... They

want to run a picture in the magazine with the article. Isn't that great?

I guess.

Yeah. You know what?

I'm so proud of you.

To Calvacy and Bridge and Tunnel Magazine. Cheers.

Cheers.

Warren, man, how'd you get your own TV show anyway?

I don't know. It all starts with an idea, an embryo, if you will, and that

grow into what they call a pilot.

Yeah, he pretty much just walked in and asked for it. Well, they don't just give

a show to anybody.

Thus the name Public Access.

Hey, guys, check this out. Oh, that is awesome.

You know what this reminds me of, Kyle?

Not in a rip -off way.

There's this website called Bardvarks.

Where the aardvarks perform Shakespeare.

You know about Bardvarks? Yeah, that's kind of like I was going for.

I can't believe you know about a bardvark. What about the Henry V one?

With the big bloody aardvark battle.

Or Hamlet, where he holds up the aardvark's skull. That may very well be

funniest damn thing I've ever seen.

Whoever does that is genius.

Absolutely genius.

Hey, we should head out.

Oh, yeah.

I'll take it from here. It's cool.

See you later, Jimmy.

You guys want to come?

No, no. It's cool.

All right. I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Hey, thanks for your help.

Oh, yeah. It was a blast.

Hi. Hey!

You're back!

I'm back.

Yeah. So?

They love the article. They want to publish it. Yes!

Congratulations!

That is the right word to use, right?

They want me to work for the magazine full -time.

Again, my inclination is to say congratulations, but...

It means I would have to move to New York.

Oh.

Wow. Well, what did you say to him?

I told him I needed to think about it and that I would talk it over with Ed.

When are you going to tell him?

What are you talking about? What makes you think I haven't already told him?

please, Carol.

I know you.

First you tried to figure out how to tell him and then you got scared

he'd get mad because you hadn't told him.

And now you're thinking, maybe you can just find out how he feels about it

without actually having to tell him. That way, if you don't go, he doesn't

to know.

You're amazing.

Yeah, and you're insane.

Molly, what do I do here?

Well, how badly do you want the job?

I want this job. I want this job so badly, I feel guilty about it. Well,

you know what you have to do.

Yeah.

I just can't believe it.

Last night blew the whole linchpin of my entire existence.

And everyone knows cool kids are supposed to be jerks. You know,

rotten to their very core.

How else can we feel superior?

They've already got us on looks, athleticism, charm, nice clothes, nice

A most cherished belief.

Nothing but a myth.

Created by those like us, for us. Like primitive cavemen willing to believe the

sun and moon were gods.

Everything we believed in.

Famoosh!

Next time I see a cool kid in the hall, I'll want to think moron.

But now I'll think outstanding taste and web humor.

Sucks.

Seriously sucks.

Ah, so this is good. We're all set for Halloween.

Got all the bases covered.

Got the gummy bear base, the chocolate base, got lollipops, red jeans, Canadian

toffee. Yeah, good. Yeah.

Something I need to tell you.

Don't tell me you're allergic to gummy bears. Don't tell me this. No, no, no.

That's not it. Um, Virgin Tunnel Magazine offered me a job. Oh, good.

What? Yeah.

On staff in New York.

Wow.

I mean, that's great.

When did that happen?

The other night when you went to go get the champagne.

Then. Well, why didn't you tell me sooner?

I guess I was waiting for the right moment. I waited a little long. And then

had to work up my courage. So, here we are.

Here we are.

So I'm not really sure what I should do.

A couple months ago, this would have been the greatest thing that ever

to me. I mean, the answer to all my dreams. But now there's you and me and

and everything's different. So what do you think? What should we do?

Well, I don't know. I haven't exactly had as much time to think about it. I

know. I'm sorry about that. I am. It's fine. It really is. It's just, you know,

I think this is a decision that you've got to make on your own. I mean, this is

about what you want, right?

You've given me a couple days to think about it and talk it over with you, so I

guess that's what I'm going to do. Right, sounds like a plan.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Can I get a gummy one? No, that's for the kids.

Can I ask you to do anything?

Huh? I thought I told you to sterilize this exam room.

I did.

You did?

Really?

Oh, you see this?

Huh? Do you see this?

I don't see anything.

That's right, it's because you can't see germs.

But if you're a good doctor, you get a feel for germs. You're like a germ

sensor. And right now, this sterilized exam room feels more like a Peruvian pay

toilet to me.

There's like a germ circus in here. In fact, I think I can hear the organ

grinder as we speak. Now listen up, little Miss Peanuthead, all right?

I want this room germ -free.

I don't know what else to do.

Well, you can ask the germs the same stupid questions you've been asking me

week, and that way I'm pretty sure they'll flee like a bunch of villagers

Frankenstein's monster.

Now go.

Oh, hey, not bad, huh?

Oh, by the way, not going to be needing the train wheels anymore.

Ed?

Ed? Yeah?

You awake?

I am now.

I can't stop thinking about it.

Thinking about what?

Are you joking?

Yeah, I'm joking.

What are you thinking?

I keep waffling.

New York, New York.

Come on, am I insane?

Our whole lives are here in Stuckyville.

That's true, but if it's your dream... It's not like it's this job now or

nothing ever, right? I'm going to get published, and that's great, so maybe I

should just...

Take the offer as a really nice compliment and leave it at that.

Yeah, I don't know.

But I'll tell you this, no matter what you decide, I'm right there with you.

I can always sell Stucky Bowl, we can make the move together.

You would do that?

You would sell Stucky Bowl?

Absolutely, if this job is really what you want.

Just say the word, I'll sell the alley, we'll make the move.

That's right, because you can't see germs.

Well, hey, if you're a good doctor, you get a feel for germs. And right now,

this sterilizing camera feels a little bit like, to me, like a proving pay

twist. I got germ certainty. Come in. I just wanted to drop.

I think you can almost hear the organizer as we speak. That's you,

Listen up, Princess Peanuthead.

What's going on here?

The jig's up, sweetie. I think you better fill him in.

Dr. Burton.

I am actually a psychology major.

Okay. Are you aware of Milgram's obedience experiment in the early 60s?

sounds familiar.

Behavioral sciences?

Correct. It was conducted to determine if the Nazi officers were, in fact, just

following orders.

I've been trying to duplicate the results here.

All right. I'm lost.

Of course you are. All lab rats get lost trying to find the cheese.

The experiment goes as follows.

Pop -Pop, or Dr. Jerome, would tell you to be cruel to me every time I made the

slightest mistake, saying it was for my own good. And although you were

reluctant at first, you made yourself willing to believe my granddad so you

wouldn't feel guilty. In order to make yourself a good enforcer, you told

yourself you were just following orders.

Eventually, you got used to the approval from the authority for my grandfather,

and I suspect that you enjoyed the power you gained in suppressing me.

Why me? I don't even know you.

My grandfather said this would be the ideal environment. I knew you'd be the

ideal lab monkey.

Here you go.

Here you go. Happy Halloween, guys. You look great. Bye -bye.

Oh, my God. What are you supposed to be?

Ninja. Shadow warrior from the Far East.

Remember in the 80s, there were warriors, but ninjas everywhere. Ninjas.

Remember ninjas in movies, ninjas in TV shows, ninjas everywhere.

Have you had a motorcycle named after them?

Remember that? Uh -huh. And then, of course, they vanish just as quickly as

came in. Do you know why? Tell me. Because they're ninjas. That's what they

Candy!

Candy!

Candy! Candy!

Candy! Candy!

Candy! Candy! Candy!

Candy!

Candy!

King size candy bar.

You're a fan of Dettelville, buddy.

Hey, great costume, Red Ninja.

Ninja. Okay. What are you supposed to be there?

I am the human boss.

What? That's the sworn enemy of the ninja.

Oh, no.

We're going to go. The human boss will strike you down.

Come on, Fox. Let's go. Bye.

Bye, Sarah.

Bye. Bye. Ninja. Happy Halloween.

That's great. I love those burdens. I thought they'd never leave.

I'm turning down the job offer.

What, you are really?

Uh -huh. You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Wow. You realize what you might be giving up here.

Mm -hmm. And I also know what I might be keeping.

Our home is here.

Everything we have, it's here.

Oh, yeah.

Which Friday the 13th is this? Is Jason going to Manhattan or going to hell?

Shouldn't we be watching, like, the Halloween series?

Season of the Witch, even? Maybe he is a nerd.

Hello.

Oh, hey, Daniel. What's up?

Seriously?

Oh, that's cool.

No, I can't. I'm busy.

Oh, definitely next time. Definitely.

All right.

What's going on?

Pat Messner's having a Halloween party.

All right, can we at least put the original part of the 13th in?

Will Daniel Bouvier be at this party?

Yeah, probably.

Um, Joseph, may I ask you a question?

Yeah, shoot. What the hell are you doing here? Go hang out with Daniel Bouvier

and Pat Messner and Biff, or whatever the hell the rest of their names are.

I'm fine right here. Dude.

No, you're not. You are absolutely not. If you start turning down invites,

they're going to think you don't want to be invited.

Go. Get out of here.

It's an order. Go.

Are you sure you guys are cool with this? Tell Danielle I shouldn't.

I'll be passing that on.

Happy Halloween, you crazy bastard. Thank you.

Can't believe he's going to hang out with those lowlifes.

Yep. Total creeps. So you're okay with living the lie?

That lie's all I got, man.

That's what I'm talking about.

Give me some.

Ow.

Carol, I, for one, am glad you're not taking the job off. I started looking

a new best friend.

You replaced me that quickly, huh, Commander?

No, side out on mine, buddy.

Mike, you pass the salt?

What salt?

I don't see the salt. If I don't see it, it doesn't exist.

I haven't said that in mine. Listen, I was totally prepared to be happy for you

guys if you were going.

But I got to tell you the truth. I am so glad that we are not losing you.

It was too crazy to even think about this.

This is our home.

Our lives are here. You guys are here.

Must have been hard, though. You know, I know you wanted that job badly.

Yeah.

But I will always have this.

Congratulations, Carol. There it is. She's published. Right.

Yeah, and once I'm published, it'll make it easier for me to submit for other

assignments. Then those will lead to more things.

This is all just the beginning for you. I agree.

To Carol Vesey, writer.

Yes.

Cheers.

Hey, I'm off. We're going to be late. Come on.

Relax. I'm the principal.

Oh, my God. We've got to go.

Let's get ready to tackle some Hawthorne.

Hey, shouldn't you be in class?

All right, Ed.

All right what?

Let's go to New York.

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