All language subtitles for Ed s04e02 New Car Smell

Good morning.

Are you filming me? Why are you filming
me?

I'm actually looking for Ed Stevens.

Is this an expose? Are you from 60
Minutes?

No, I'm not.

Once I saw Morley Safer at the Dallas
Fort Worth Airport.

He was buying a Cinnabon. At Cinnabon.
Uh, okay.

Follow me.

Hey!

Cousin Benny, you're here.

Excellent. How you doing?

Shirley, this is my cousin, Benny. He's
a film student at NYU.

Hi. Is Steve Croft as handsome in person
as he is on television?

I don't work for 60 minutes.

Okay, Shirley, you can go.

So this is it, huh, Benny?

You're doing this, huh? The big final
project?

That's right. A week in the life of a
bowling alley lawyer. It's going to be

awesome.

Yeah, I don't know about that. My life
ain't exactly packed with edge of your

seat excitement.

Nah, you'll be great. You're the perfect
everyman.

Thanks, I guess. So, uh, what do we, uh,
how do I, how do I do this? What do I

do? Nothing. It's a documentary.

Just live your life and pretend I'm not
here.

All right, well, that sounds easy
enough.

So, uh, when do we start?

Benny?

When do we, oh, I get it.

We've already started. All right, well,
you know what? I'm just doing paperwork,

though. I doubt you want to film me
doing paperwork.

Alright then.

And the Oscar goes to...

I'm

in the sky tonight.

I can keep by your side Watching the
wide world

riot and hide Now I'll be coming next
year

She's a beauty, isn't she?

Of course, you should have seen when I
bought the place.

Total dumb. Not now, though. Now she's a
little slice of heaven. Isn't that

right, Mr. Gable?

Mr.

Gable.

People often ask me if it's weird having
my law office inside a bowling alley,

but the truth is, after three years, it
doesn't seem weird at all.

This over here, of course, is the shoe
counter. This is Phil. Hey, Bosco,

with the camera? That's my cousin,
Benny. He's going to be here all week.

filming a documentary on my law
practice. No way. Who's going to play

Is Ben Kingsley available?

Okay, so maybe my staff's a little
unconventional.

Phil, it's a documentary.

Yo, yo, Stucky Boss, we making a movie
here?

Well, it's not a movie. It's a
documentary. Hey, hey, hey, you know who

play Eli? You know that narrator guy
from Oz? Not dude, because if you need a

soundtrack, I got my man Andre back
here. He's looking to break into the

business. Yo, Dre, break him on some
proper, dog.

A moment like this.

Some people wait a lifetime for a moment
like this.

So it's not a traditional law practice.
But you know what? The truth is, my

clients get better service than they
find in the stuffiest white shoe law

For that one special kiss.

Oh, I can't believe this is happening to
me.

Hey, Mr. Chippewa, how's it... Wait a
lifetime. What? For a moment like this.

No, no, I had no idea. You want some
more?

Hold on a second. Shirley, is that
supposed to be in court at 10 .30 this

morning?

I forgot to inform Ed of his
appointment.

I have found it hard to concentrate ever
since Buddy Epson died.

Yeah, listen, I am so sorry. Look, if
there's anything I can... Hey there,

star.

Hi. Oh, this is my cousin, Benny.

Cousin Benny. Hi.

I just called you my girlfriend.

I don't think I've ever said that
before. No. Wow.

So, the lease on my house is up next
week. And the landlord sent a new lease,

and I thought maybe you could look it up
for me. Yeah.

I'm very prudent, Miss Vessi. It's
always important to know what you're

You've got a voice that you geek.

How's that? Nothing.

Okay, well, before I'm in, Kathy, I have
a lot of tennis and... Yeah, you know

what? This is pretty much standard
boilerplate. I think you're good to go

Right, but it does lock me in for two
full years, right? Right, but on the

side, the landlord can't raise your rent
next year.

Right, but suppose I wanted to change my
living situation before the lease was

up. No, yeah, but he's only asking for a
three -month notice, so that's pretty

fair, I think. Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Very good at insinuating, am I?

Insinuating what?

That you should ask me to move in with
you.

What?

Oh.

Oh.

Wow. Oh, God, no. Forget it. No, no,
wait.

It's ridiculous. It's completely
ridiculous.

No, you brought it up. We should talk
about it.

Okay. Okay? Okay. Okay.

Well, look, why don't you just give me a
little time to give it some thought. Is

that all right? Absolutely. Okay. Of
course. Okay. Yes.

And one more thing. Yeah.

Next time you want to insinuate, try
throwing in a couple of winks.

I will keep that in mind. Okay. Okay.

Well, I don't get it. Why would anybody
want to make a movie about you? Search

me. He said I had an everyman quality.

Everyman? Yeah, he said like Jimmy
Stewart, he said. More like French

You get that? That was pretty good.

Listen, you guys.

Carol wants to move in with me.

Yeah. Whoa, that's huge.

Huge, right? It is, isn't it? Yeah. What
do you guys think about that?

Well, I mean, wow, it's a little quick,
but, I mean, you guys are getting along

pretty good.

I think you can handle it. Yeah, I
agree.

Yeah, definitely. I mean, go for it.

Yeah. Mike?

I thought he was being an idiot, but, of
course, I couldn't come right out and

say that.

Ed, you're being an idiot.

Actually, I could come right out and say
that.

You'll be going out for, what, like a
week?

Still in the honeymoon phase. Your
relationship's still got the new car

You let her move in, you kiss all that
goodbye.

Michael. What? It's true.

Okay, Ed, ignore him.

Okay. All right, I mean, listen, I think
you can handle it, but it's a big

decision, so really think it through,
okay? I will. No, you won't. This right

here is one spontaneous son of a bitch.
How's that?

You've been that way ever since we were
kids.

Perfect example, his driving test.

Sure, I remember him. I teach drivers,
Ed, and his name was Ed, so that kind of

sticks in your brain.

Anyway, we're out for a second or third
lesson. And he says, Mr. Missoula, I

want to go take the test.

So I says, kid, don't rush it. You ain't
ready.

He says, I can do it. I aced the written
portion.

I says, buddy, that don't mean plop. You
ain't got enough wheel time under your

belt. And you parallel park like a
woman.

But he insisted on taking the damn test.

And he failed.

No, I didn't.

Who told you that?

Twice. The third time they passed him
out of pity.

You want to interview me?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Just give me ten minutes and meet me in
my office.

Should Ed and Carol move in together?

Well... Mind you, generally I don't like
to meddle in the private lives of my

employees, but Ed is a bright young man.

He's hardworking.

From what I've seen, Carol seems like a
lovely young woman.

Mr. Stubbs?

Excuse me. Yes, Shirley. I have
Condoleezza Rice on line one.

I'm sorry, I need to take this.

National security.

Condi! We're shaking, girlfriend.

Mm -hmm.

Welcome to my humble abode.

Or, as the Plains Indians would say, my
humble Adobe.

This is the foyer.

And this is the living room.

That, of course, is my living room sofa
and coffee table. Oh, check this out.

My bobblehead.

Louie Anderson, host of TV's Family
Feud.

Look at him go.

Ed? Yeah?

This is deadly.

I know.

I know. I need something to liven up the
proceedings. Oh, I got it.

Chin monkeys.

No, no, no, no, no. Not for public
consumption.

Just don't make me do this.

Greetings, one and all.

We are the world -famous, incredible G
-Monkeys.

I am Paco.

And this, this is Evangeline.

How's it going?

is your chin monkey voice.

What kind of chin monkey are you?

A reluctant chin monkey. Don't toy with
me, Evangeline.

Let me hear your monkey voice.

Louder.

Again. Do it again.

Do it again.

I can't. I can't stop laughing.

Move in with me.

What? Move in with me.

Do you mean it?

Yeah, yeah, live with me. Let's live
together. It'll be awesome.

Wait, because if I'm pushing you, I
don't... No, no, no, no, no. I want to

it. Really?

Yes.

Yes. Okay.

Okay. Okay?

What do

I

think about them living together?

Honestly, I don't give a damn.

For a moment like this.

Hey, Ed.

Hey, Benny, sorry. Listen, I got
permission from the judge to let you

court today, so at least you're able to
see me in action before you go.

Actually, I'm thinking maybe I won't go
just yet.

You want to stay another day? Another
month.

Another month? Why? I want to change the
focus of the movie.

After what?

You and Carol moving in together.

You're kidding.

No, it's a classic relationship story.

Will it work out? Will they live happily
ever after? It's going to be great.

It's going to be boring. No, your law
practice is boring.

This will be cool. Tons of built -in
conflict.

Conflict? How can there be any conflict?

I'll take my chances.

Please stop zooming in on me.

Thank you.

I don't know if I should really say
this, but, uh...

Carol and I had a little romantic thing
a couple years ago.

I was a freshman at the time, and we
just... Pow!

You know, it was just this intense,
immediate attraction that wouldn't...

couldn't be denied.

But back in the day, I mean, we were
pretty much like the Ben and J -Lo of

school, I think it's safe to say.
Assuming that they're still together

show up. Warren.

What do you say?

Oh, nothing. Hey, Miss Rutgers, just...

Saying, like, what a great English
teacher you are, and about the novels

Shakespeare and stuff.

Dickens.

I think.

Just a tad shy.

Very didactic.

That's my Woody Allen impression.

Tell Mike, old Benny here's got a new
idea for his movie.

Tomorrow you should try something like
City's Pictures 2, The Legend of Curly's

Gold. Ah, he's going to film Carol and I
moving in and starting to live

together. That'll suck.

Yeah, that's what I said. You know,
Benny thinks he's going to document us

from being deliriously happy, playing
like rabid cougars. It's never going to

happen, my friend. Of course it will.
Who the hell will want to watch it?

Yeah, of course it will. Carol and I are
very, very happy together.

Right, new car smell. Come talk to me
after one of you drops a Brewer Supreme

the crack of your front seat.

Ah, excuse me, Dr. Shin.

Nice. What if Carol and I are able to
maintain that new car smell?

You can't.

Here's what will happen. Right now,
things are great.

Everybody's in love.

Then you'll have that first fight,
probably over something small. For me

Nancy, it was a disagreement about
blueberries.

Mike's parents were coming over, and I
was under all this pressure, and I

to make a homemade blueberry pie.

So I finished the crust, and all of a
sudden, where are my blueberries?

And I look over, and Mike has put an
entire container of blueberries in his

mouth. And I said, what are you doing?
And he says, I wanted to see if I could

fit 100 blueberries in my mouth.

And once you have that first fight,
suddenly you're not having sex every

Pretty soon you're not holding hands
quite so much. The new car smell is

Yeah, we're going to have enough.

We don't really have anything else to
say.

Yeah, we kind of just said it.

It's actually kind of fun.

Doesn't it be cool?

You got it?

Yeah, yeah. You got it? I got it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I got it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hold up now. Let
me teach you the key to safe moving. You

ready? Okay. Okay? Okay.

Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps, baby
steps, baby steps, baby steps, baby

steps. Okay, I got it.

You don't got it. You got to say it. I
have to say it.

Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps, baby
steps, baby steps, baby steps, baby

steps, baby steps.

Move -in day can be a trying time for
any couple.

Combine your personal belongings.

personal space.

I think Ed and Carol have a real nice
shot at handling it.

Hey Carol, you want to pop something in
the bubble?

No, you go ahead.

You're crazy.

Ed!

Yeah?

What's the matter?

It's a joke.

What a joke.

You left the cap off the toothpaste.

Oh, yeah. Well, I guess maybe I did.
Look at this.

Look at it. The end is all hard.

How long could it possibly take to put
the cap back on the toothpaste?

Is that a rhetorical question? Because
we both know it doesn't take very long.

Oh, my God. It oozed out all over the
place. Yeah, I guess I left it off this

one time, but I think normally I
probably... I mean, I don't really give

mean, I didn't give it a lot of thought
in the past, but now I'm a guy looking

at the toothpaste, I realize the error
of my...

What? Just kidding.

You big goofball.

Oh. This is the fight that new couples
always have.

Oh, right, right.

You let the cap off the toothpaste.
Yeah, right. Well, you know what? So

I'm a guy. That's what I do.

And I'm a lady. I demand that the
toothpaste be capped. So put it on.

You left the seat up on the toilet.

So put it down.

Oh, no. I'm moving out.

Fine. Fine. Fine. Say fine louder.

Fine.

That was good.

I told you it was going to be the
world's most boring movie.

Boring.

Benny.

Okay, Benny, you got to cut up. You got
to go. We're going to be a little busy

for a while.

You can let yourself out.

Goodbye, Benny.

It will definitely taper off. You don't
know that for sure.

I don't. Take a look at us. First year
of our marriage, we had sex 183 times.

Last year, 22.

You keep count?

I'm goal -oriented.

For the record, we had sex way more than
22 times last year. Double deuce,

Nance, double deuce. The stats don't
lie. This year, we're on track for 19,

depending on the weather. The weather?

Yep, we tend to do it more in extreme
hot or cold temperatures.

We do?

Yep. Best national holiday, New Year's
Eve. Eight in a row. Worst national

holiday, Thanksgiving.

Still got the no -hitter going there.

Best month, August. Worst month, April.
Days of the week, Saturday is best.

Friday, second. Tuesday is the worst.

Okay, you're really starting to creep me
out.

It being a Tuesday, not much of a loss.

Lemonade, yeah.

Just made it.

You look amazing.

Oh, go on.

How did you know I was hungry?

Took a shot.

You make the best sandwiches.

My grandfather was a caterer.

Really? I never knew that.

He owned a place called the Terrace
Room.

Tell me about him.

Well, he loved apples.

I think he's guilty.

Me too.

But unless there's enough evidence to
prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Mr.

Druckenman killed Rafael Santana...
Could

you

get me an ice water?

I'm so tired. Can you get it yourself?

Sure.

What's the matter?

I recognize the full irony of what I'm
about to say, but do you think there's

any way that I could interest you in
actually throwing the cat back on the

toothpaste? You're kidding, right?

Um, no, I'm not kidding.

And so it starts.

What is wrong with you? It's like you
want things to not work out between us.

No, that's not true. I want things to
work out. I just want them to end up as

miserable as the rest of us.

Not a big deal, but putting the cap back
on the toothpaste takes one and a half

seconds, whereas scraping dried
toothpaste off the counter takes, I

more than one and a half seconds? Okay,
all right.

All right, there you go. It's really,
it's not a big deal.

I gotta go.

Hey, listen, as long as we're mentioning
little things like this, do you think,

like, when you leave a room, you can
shut the lights out behind you?

Do I not shut the lights on? Not a lot.

Or ever, really.

Okay. Cool.

Cool. I have a lot of faith in Ed and
Carol.

For any new couple, it's all about
earning trust.

Not unlike the trust I earned from Eli
after I nursed him back to health after

his accident. I remember one night I
held him in my arms like he was a

and I said, you go ahead and cry all
night.

I'm not going anywhere.

Well, hold up.

What's this bullshit you're preaching?

You didn't even know me when I had my
accident. What is these fake trophies

Those are my Emmys.

I was recognized by my peers.

Recognize for what?

Television.

Come on, say it. Say what?

I'm right and you're wrong.

Why, just because Carol asked me to put
the cat back on the toothpaste in an

extremely polite and civil manner, I
might add?

Yeah, but you told her to shut the
lights. These things don't happen in the

honeymoon phase. You know what? You're
making too much of this.

They said that the new car smelled much
like B .B. King's thrill is gone.

All right, look, we had one tiny
disagreement. I mean, one tiny

wasn't even a disagreement. It was
nothing.

Yeah, that's what the camera said when
they put the first straw on his back. No

problem, boys. Let up in the straws. My
back can take it.

When was the last time you guys did it?

I'm going to talk about our sex life on
camera.

We're doing it like bunnies. More than
bunnies. As a matter of fact, I

any two bunnies to come on down here and
try to keep up.

It's nobody's business.

Yeah, that's what I thought. The
inevitable slide toward the normal has

It's never going to happen to us. It's
just not going to happen to us. Why do

you think the laws of the universe don't
apply to you?

Because they don't.

He was always that way.

Look.

You can see it in his eyes.

Rules? What rules?

That's what he's thinking right there.

These kids I've taught, they're like my
own sons and daughters.

I'm unable to father children myself due
to an injury I sustained while serving

on the kitchen staff of a Popeye's fried
chicken.

Kills me to say it, but I think Mike
might just be right, you know? At first,

were both so giddy, we didn't care if
someone let the toothpaste cap off or

lights on, you know? The toothpaste cap?

Yeah, I couldn't...

Actually, I believe I was complaining
about that either. I mean, like, it's

biggest cliche in the world, right? But
you know what? It turns out it really,

it sucks to have to scrape that stuff
off of the counter when it's all dried.

So, you know, what can I do?

Of course, toothpaste cap and the
lights, those are just symbols, you

Symbols, intangible drain, routine,
fatigue plays on our relationship and on

lives.

You left the cap off the toothpaste.

You didn't turn the lights out. You
know, it's just...

It's funny and kind of necessary, too. I
mean, it's just part of the process

that couples go through. And they're
getting to know each other, getting

Day after day, month after month, year
after year.

Most ardent dreams are braided by time.

Overall, I would say that right now Ed
and I are definitely in a really good

place. It's not so heightened, you know,
but it's nice.

As we get sucked further and further
into the deep, dark, cold abyss of

eventuality. Yeah.

Really nice.

Until death.

I can't let that happen.

It's not here, Benny. You're wasting
film.

Hey, there you are.

Tell me, now what is the single best way
for two romantic souls to spend the

day?

Considering you have a bicycle belt for
two, I'm guessing it has something to do

with a bicycle belt for two.

That's right. I rented it from the bike
shop. It's ours for a day. Come on.

Come on.

It's going to be awesome.

Okay.

Isn't this fun, Carol?

Yeah, it is.

You want to increase your fun even more?

Sure. All right. Here's a little trick
that increases human fun for any

activity. Ready? Ready. Woo!

Woo!

Woo!

Fuck off.

Woo! There you go.

Hey, Ed?

Yeah? Um, I think maybe we should start
heading back.

What are you, nuts?

No, I just got a stack of papers to
grade, a ton of stuff to do. No, no, but

what?

I have the experience of writing a
bicycle bill for two. A bicycle bill for

No, I know, I know. We've been having
the experience for like an hour now. I

just, you know, I don't want to be
ungrateful, but I think we should head

Yeah, okay, no problem.

Didn't you want to start heading back?

Yeah, I guess.

I told Ed it wouldn't work. You can't
change the laws of nature with a sickle

built for two.

Since when did you become the world's
most cynical man?

I'm not cynical. I'm just the character
in the movie who tells it like it is.

I'm Janine Garofalo.

Ed's a romantic guy, okay? He is the
most romantic guy I know. He puts on a

night suit. He made that crazy video.

He threw waffles at Carol. Right, right,
right. That's all part of the honeymoon

phase. No, Michael. That is all part of
the being goofy in love phase.

And frankly, I don't blame Ed for trying
to make that last as long as he can.

Sarah and I are getting soup.

I'm also very romantic.

Part of Ed's charm is that he's not
realistic. He wants every day to be a

parade, which is obviously a lot to live
up to.

Mark,

what's the matter? What happened?

He just got some bad news from home.

Warren? Warren, what happened?

Are you okay?

It's my mom.

He just found out she's been in a

car accident.

Where is she? Is she okay?

She's gone.

Oh, my God.

Warren.

I don't know what to say.

Neither do I.

Oh, I can't really think to say this.

Dude, you've been punked!

You are sick!

What is wrong with the two of you?

Yeah!

Another victim of the punks. That's
right. P -U -N -K apostrophe D.

Bicycle built for two was fun.

It was fantastic.

What's wrong?

No, nothing, Carol. I think things are
going swimmingly.

Well, could I please have a clue as to
what's bothering you?

Come on, Carol. Look at us. We lost a
new car smell.

What does that mean?

What does it mean? It means we used to
be the kinds of people who would make

of the kinds of people who argue over
leaving the caps off the toothpaste. Now

we are the kinds of people who argue
over leaving the caps off the

That's what this is about?

Leaving the cap off of the toothpaste?

It's a metaphor. It's a metaphor for how
we can't last a single day on a bicycle

built for two. It's a metaphor how we
used to not be able to keep our hands

each other. Now look at us. It's been
nine days since we did the old woo -hoo.

Ed, Ed, everything is fine. What did you
expect?

Everything is just as it should be.

Don't you see what's happening?

Oh, yes, I do. I do see what's
happening. What's happening is what I

would happen with you. You put me, a
relationship, life on such a pedestal

nobody can possibly live up to it.
That's not true. It is true, and that's

exactly why I wanted us to move in so
quickly.

Because I wanted us to start living like
normal people. You know what? Normal

people do things like argue about who
left the cap off the toothpaste.

Oh, really? They argue. Good. You want
to argue? Fine. Let's argue. Let's

Let's argue it on up. I got one for you.
How about this?

Chips. You know what drives me crazy?
The way you put away the chips, all

You unroll the bag, the bag rolls up.
That's what chip clips are for. To keep

the chips fresh, right? Fresh. Now go
ahead, pick something petty and go for

I got one.

I hate it when you act like a
complete...

You know what's good are those Pringles.
They got that top that goes on like a

tennis ball can.

They stack them.

Let me help you out here. Let me make
sure they stay nice.

Flowers for my lady.

What are you doing?

I'm your knight in shining armor. I'm
here to sweep you off your feet.

Why? Well, honey, I just wanted to show
you maybe I'm not as cynical as you

think I am.

I don't always express it, but I'm a
romantic at heart.

I love you as much as the day we met.

Oh, my.

Oh, honey.

Oh, crap.

Mike, oh, no.

What? Oh, you set this up.

I did? Why?

What? Yes, you did. You set this whole
thing up so that you wouldn't come

as such a jerk in his stupid movie.
That's ridiculous.

You get out of my house, mister, or I'll
throw you out. Oh, please, please. You

didn't even bother to get a real night
suit. Well, you want to know how much

they want for the night suit? Yeah,
yeah. Eighty -five bucks. Oh, really?

Well, great, because now you look like a
big, stupid jiffy pop.

The bourbon?

Uncle.

What? I'm saying, Uncle, you were right.
New car, smell is gone.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Don't you want to say I told you so?

No, I wouldn't do that to you, buddy.

Want to know the straw that broke the
camel's back?

Yeah, what was it?

She threw a bag of chips at me.

Remember? Oh, yeah.

Your dreams will be fulfilled. Oh,
that's a load off.

What's yours say?

Oh,

your boyfriend, Edward J. Stevens, will
turn into a raving lunatic.

Wow, they're getting good at that.

It's open.

Hey, Mike. Hi.

Ladies.

What can we do for you?

Well, I just wanted to talk to Carol for
a minute, if that's okay.

Yeah.

Oh, um, okay, why don't I give the two
of you some privacy?

So, let me guess.

Our friend Ed sent you here, right?

No, actually, he doesn't even know I'm
here.

I just, I wanted to ask you to cut him
some slack.

Cut it. some slack? Mike, that is
absurd.

Ed is the one who has to have everything
absolutely perfect, one little problem,

and he just shifts into full -on panic
mode.

I know, but you have to remember
something.

He's been married once before.

One little problem became lots of little
problems became lots of big problems.

Romance turned into routine, turned into
boredom, turned into a dead marriage.

I guess I do forget that sometimes.

Remember the other day when you guys
were fighting and threw that bag of

at him?

Yeah. Did he ever tell you about the
time that Liz threw a package of bacon

him?

No. Yeah.

And when things weren't their worst, she
reached back and tried to bean him with

bacon.

Oh.

Just kept my boy a little slack.

Hey, Mike.

Thank you.

Okay, wait a second. I have to leave and
yet Cousin Benny gets to stay? That's a

load of crap.

Hello, Ed.

Hello.

It's been a long time.

I'm sorry, how do I know you?

Come on.

Let's you and me go for a drive.

So can I help you with something, Mr.
Missoula?

We got to talk about you and Carol.

What about me and Carol?

How do you know about me and Carol? He
told me.

What are you doing telling him about me
and Carol? Hey, keep your eyes on the

road. I taught you better than that.

Sorry.

Ed, let me explain you something.

A relationship is like a driver's ed
car.

Sometimes the car goes where you want it
to go. Other times the car goes where I

want it to go.

But the car can only go in one direction
at a time.

You got to compromise, understand?

Yeah, I do.

See, that's not really the issue with me
and Carol.

It's not?

No. But thank you.

Pringle?

They stack them.

The problem... with Ed is he overthinks
everything.

You know, if I were Carol, I would...
Come in.

You want to see me, Miss Hudson?

Yes, Warren.

It's about your physics test yesterday.

How'd I do?

You got an A plus, 98 % best in the
class. Congratulations.

What? Are you serious? That's awesome.

I've never done the best in the class.

Wait a second.

Oh, you're trying to punk me, aren't
you?

She is.

She's trying to punk me. That's
adorable.

Enough. Turns out you can't punk the
punker.

Nope, you can kutch the kutcher.

So how did I really do?

84. Okay, well, nice try, Ms. Hudson.

I'll check you later.

You really got a 35.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, did you get milk? Yeah.

I think you saw the skinny little buddy.

I'm not hungry.

Mike, it's 2%. So?

So, I asked if you had milk.

Oh, you said fat -free. Yeah, and this
isn't fat -free.

Oh, yeah, but it says right there, low
-fat. Does low -fat sound the same as

-fat to you?

They sound similar.

They're not similar.

Low -fat is low -fat. Non -fat is non
-fat.

Two completely different kinds of milk.

Come on, Michael.

Say, what's going on there?

Oh, the sandwiches? She likes extra
tomatoes. I like extra onions.

Yeah, that's why we each get what we
want without paying extra.

When did you start doing that?

I don't even remember.

Yeah, me neither, but... It's long after
the new car smell will off.

That's right, because it does. It wears
off for everybody.

If you're lucky, you end up like me and
Nancy, bickering over milk, swapping

sandwich toppings.

You'll be a bit as happy as you can hope
to be in this world.

What if you end up like me and Liz?

Well, you're never meant to be together
in the first place.

I still can't believe you don't know the
difference between 2 % and nonfat.

Oh, sure I do. Sure I do, honey. It's 2
% difference.

Statistically, that's like nothing.

It's 2 % difference. I'm talking about
no percent difference. Yeah, look at the

90 % of the milk I got right.

Yes, young lady, how may I be of
service?

My favorite kite is stuck in yonder
tree.

It is? Well, that simply won't do.

I'm getting this right.

There you go, miss.

Enjoy your afternoon.

So, Mike told me what you were worried
about.

Mike did?

Mm -hmm. And you don't have to worry
about it anymore. Why is that?

Because I'm not Liz.

Because Liz let the honeymoon end, and
I'm not going to let that happen.

Whatever I have to do to keep it going,
I will do it. No matter how much money I

have to spend on toothpaste, I will do
it. Why?

Why not? Because you're not Liz.

Liz and I weren't meant to be together.

How do you know?

I just do.

Yo, yo, come here, come here. I got
something to show you. Come here.

A moment like this, some people wait a
lifetime.

For a moment like this, yeah, that one
spent.

Shoo! Ba -da -ba -ba -da!

Come on, everybody!

She here!

Yeah!

Mwah!

Got the skim milk?

Oh, thanks, honey.

Mike? Yeah?

What are you doing?

Saturday night.

Oh, yeah, yeah, it is, isn't it?

Let's go, woman.

Can't you finish your pills in my
checklist?

Can I wait ten minutes?

Come on.

Yeah, I guess I can. Come on.

That's as far as you go, Cousin Benny.
It sure might be nice to have something

to look back on when we're older.
Goodbye.

By the way, it's not just Saturday
night. It's the third Saturday of the

Ooh, what does that mean? You'll see.

Thank you.

No.

Nothing wrong with this now. Is there a
line in bed? Reading? No obligations?

Nothing to prove?

No. Just to think, like, a couple weeks
ago, I thought a night like this might

mean the death of our relationship.

We've gone a long ways since then,
haven't we?

We sure have.

Feel like doing it?

Now? Yeah.

Wasn't that kind of a mess at the end of
his movie?

How's that?

Well, we're reading books. We've learned
our lesson. It's the perfect end of the

movie. Yeah, but it's a documentary.

He's got to go with whatever happens,
doesn't he?

Good point.

Hey, come on, you guys.

Stop it. You're killing me here.

How am I supposed to end this thing?

It'll be fine.

Slap on some dramatic music, pull back
nice and wide, and fade to black.