Original subtitles

It's a man versus woman, Nance. I want to fail.

That's it. That's it. You know, enough. That's enough.

Enough what?

Enough. I've owned the bowling alley for, what, three years now? Okay, you've

been here a hundred times. You still bowl like a... Analogy, please.

Pelican. No.

Crouton. No.

Red Steiger.

You can't think this fast. Come here, all right? Look, this thing here, this

the ball. The ball is your friend, all right? Now, when you release the ball,

you release it with a nice, smooth motion. Stand here.

Focus on the pins. You watch the pins. Throw a little style in there.

You do realize that was a four.

Shirley, six hot dogs, please.

That'll be $4 .50.

Shirley, we've been through this. This is my snack bar. If I pay, the money

comes back to me.

$4 .25.

Brandon, I think she may have gathered there was something between us at one

point. You ever take her through the saga? Saga what?

Never ending series of clownish attempts to woo Carol Bessie. No, why?

I smell trouble in the air.

What are you talking about, Sport? When you're over there doing your little

giggly, flirty thing with Carol. I wasn't being flirty. I was just merely

teaching the woman how to deal. Frank, you always give me the look of death.

She what?

Yeah, totally. It was like this.

That's just your normal expression.

And Mr.

Alec Guinness, okay, buddy? Just trust me, he's the look of death.

What the hell are you talking about? If I were you, I'd be on Orange Alert.

I'm in the sky tonight.

There I can keep by your side Watching

the wide world

Hey, look at this ad.

Be a better lover. What is it, a video?

Yeah. They say if you watch it and study carefully, your lovemaking skill can

increase by up to 500%. You're not going to order that.

All right. I kind of like to be a better lover.

What? Don't tell me Nancy's been complaining. What? No.

All right, then. I'm sure you're simply a fantastic lover.

I'm probably average. Maybe a little worse. It's hard to have a funny

comparison. What is it?

Hey, Frankie. I'm thinking making clam chowder tonight.

Oh, boy, that sounds great. Do you prefer red or white?

Is that your correct answer? Of course.

White? Good man.

See that?

Typical Frankie -ed interaction.

True.

Doesn't seem upset with me at all. True. So whatever you think you saw last

night when I was teaching Carol how to bowl, you must have just blown over.

I wonder if there's naked ladies on this thing.

So, I made a list of potential first guests for my interview show. Okay,

hear it. All right, Sean Connery, Tiger Woods, Tom Hanks, President Bush, Meryl

Streep, and Pat Sajak.

Warren, you realize that none of those people are going to do an interview show

that broadcasts to 750 high school students.

Ms. Fethi, do you realize that I got Sean Connery's publicist on the phone

today, and she said he totally would do it if he didn't have scheduling

conflicts? Yes, I'm sure.

Oh, man.

I think you should probably go, Warren. I think so. Good luck. Good luck to you.

That sounded pretty efficient.

Can we... No, no, no. No, Carol, come in.

I want you to meet our new history teacher, Jamie Decker.

Hi. Hi, Carol, Bessie, hi.

I was just finishing up a meeting with Jamie, and I thought you should come

and meet him.

because he's very interested in getting involved in some extracurricular

activities, and I thought, what better way for him to get his feet wet than to

help you with the TV station?

Because I need help so much with the TV station.

Well, I should tell you up front, I don't know anything about television.

You're hired.

Just meet me tomorrow morning in the A .V. room.

Well, thank you.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

And thank you, Principal Hudson.

Oh, no, Molly.

Molly.

We're such a gross abuse of power. I know.

Excuse me.

Eli Goggins around?

Well, we do have an Eli working here, but I've never really focused on his

name. It may or may not be Goggins. I thought it was Whitney. Eli Whitney

invented the cotton gin.

Eli, there you are.

Sandy, what the hell is your futon -sized ass doing in here?

I need your help. I know you're not serious.

The restaurant's in trouble.

Well, it's not my restaurant, so it's not my problem anymore. Now, Eli, I'm

close to shutting down.

I just thought maybe you could come by, you know, take a look, give me some

advice. You want some advice?

Stop thinking of ranch dressing as a beverage and maybe you'll shave a few

yards off of them high quarters, yo. Come on, what do you got to be like? You

know I'm being like that, man. Now take your unholy caboose and get out my

bowling app. You know what?

I may have a gigantic ass, but at least I'm loyal to my friends.

Yeah, like the hell you are.

That's telling him, Whitney.

Everything okay?

No, it's all under control, man. I got this.

So how am I doing?

How are you doing with what?

You know, with my post -coital embrace.

I hate that word. What's wrong with coital? Please don't say it again. How

coital? Coaxial cable?

Not even crazy about that.

Ed, can I ask you a question? You can ask me a question, sure.

What's your history with Carol?

I thought Carol Channing was absolutely brilliant in Hello, Dolly. After that,

I'm not so sure that she... Ed. What do you want to know?

Well, did you ever date her?

No.

Do you mind if I go to the kitchen and have some more pie?

Ed. Yeah? I'm a lawyer.

You can either tell me the story or I'll beat it out of you question by question

all night long.

All right. Okay.

All right. Look.

Three years ago...

I was fired from my job. I came home to my apartment, found my wife sleeping

with a mailman. Yes, I know your wife slept with a mailman. Not the mailman.

was a mailman. He just happened to be one. Yeah, yeah, go on. So there I am.

in the apartment, and I'm in this insane state of mind. I'm going through my

yearbook. I come across a picture of Carol Vesey. So I go back to

I'm in this insane state of mind.

Legally insane, really. I ask her out.

So what happened?

Nothing. Nothing happened. I asked her out. She turned me down. Somehow we

up being friends, and we enjoyed a big, long, hard laugh over the whole thing.

So you're just friends?

Just friends.

And yet four months ago you got on the back of a horse and tried to put her

wedding.

All right, listen, I need you to bowl a good game today, Jolene. The Lord came

and spoke to me last night and he said if somebody bowls a 300... He's going to

let me walk again.

Eli's counting on you, baby.

Thanks, Eli.

All right. Hey, Jolene.

Hey, Ed.

So I paid a little visit to Captain Eli's Fish and Chips this morning.

Yeah, for what?

Just curious.

Talked to your old pal, Sandy Buckman. Seems like a good guy.

Yo, let me tell you about your man, Sandy Buckman. When I had my accident, I

to sell Captain Eli's. He came and offered me like half of what it was

because he knew I needed the money. He shanked me, man.

It's not the way he tells it. He says you thought the price was fair. And not

only that, he doesn't understand why you don't come around anymore. They miss

you over there.

Yo, they full of crap, Stucky Boss.

You sure he's the one?

Should I tell you something, Eli?

When me and I had to sell this place, some other guy was strutting around like

he's the king of Stucky Ball. I'd find a reason to hit him.

Captain Eli's was my Stucky Ball, man.

You should save it.

I'm going to powder my nose.

Are you going to the bathroom? Ten bucks if you do the old bathroom classic.

Come on. Ten bucks, Mike.

Heartless bastard. Yeah.

So, Carol, your ears must have been burning last night.

Why's that?

Ed told me the whole story about how he came back to Stuckyville, tracked you

down, and asked you out.

That was so long ago.

Come on. What were you thinking when some guy from high school you didn't

know just showed up and blew?

I wasn't really sure what to think. I'll tell you what I'd be thinking. Cuckoo.

Cuckoo.

Yeah, maybe a little.

That's regular cuckoo. I think delivering you flowers in the middle of

class while wearing a night suit, that gets you into the Cuckoo Hall of Fame.

Right, the night suit.

That's pretty crazy.

That's a beautiful shirt.

And don't forget about the skywriting. Oh.

How did he do that? Oh, how about the homemade video?

Oh! I thought it was a video. I thought it was a video. I thought it was a

video. I thought it was a video.

I thought it was a video.

What's so funny?

We're just laughing about all the old Ed Carroll stories.

You know, the night suit, the homemade video, the throwing waffles at Carol's

window, the skywriting.

Oh, it appears to be dead.

You know, I always knew there would be a day when we'd sit around and laugh at

that stuff. It appears to be dead.

Excuse me.

Ice skating. Ice skating? Oh, yeah.

Do you want to talk about it? Talk about what? You know, it.

Something to talk about? You lied to me.

I didn't lie to you. Yes, you did.

Last night, I asked you to tell me about you and Carol, and you didn't say

anything about the night suit or the video or the waffles. You lied to me.

That's not a lie.

That's omission.

No difference.

Yeah, well, there's a big difference.

For example, a lie.

Tell me what you did on the night of the 24th. I didn't murder the butler.

An omission. Tell me what you did on the night of the 24th. I ate some candy.

Just because you ate some candy doesn't mean you didn't necessarily kill the

butler. You know?

Look,

Frank, you listen. Hey, Carol and I, we've been friends for a long time. What

are we supposed to do, just stop?

That'd be great. Well, that doesn't seem realistic.

Neither does going out with someone and having a relationship like the one you

have with Carol.

Welcome to Stuckyville High School's first ever Warren P. Cheswick interview

special. I am thrilled and delighted to have our first guest here on the

program. Ladies and gentlemen, a legend in the truest sense of the word, please

join me in welcoming Stuckyville High School's metal shop teacher, Mitchell

Walsh -Lewis. Welcome, sir.

How are you doing?

Mitchell Walsh -Lewis, you've been a metal shop teacher here at Stuckyville

School for 17 years.

What's changed?

Six years ago, we got a new soldering gun.

What do you think? Mr. Waslewis.

I think this is very compelling television.

Yes, it is.

Come on in, indeed.

What does Bill Waslewis do for fun?

I like making chili.

Where is that going to air exactly?

Oh, the cafeteria and the school website.

Well, thank you for letting me help.

Oh, no, thank you. Really.

Oh, bye.

Do you ever eat?

I do sometimes. Yes, I eat.

Okay, that was a stupid question, but not to be too forward, but I don't know

single soul in this town. Would you like to get a bite sometime?

When?

I'm free tonight and every night thereafter.

Do you know where the smiling goat is?

Yeah, I passed it.

Okay, 7 o 'clock?

I'm in.

Good.

Okay.

I figured we were going to spend the next several hours being really angry

upset with this pity feeling in our stomachs. And after that, we'd make up

anyway. So rather than waste all that time being miserable, I figured I'd just

cut to the chase and get to the making up part right away.

You know what concerns me?

What's that?

I actually understood that.

My goodness.

What the hell have they done to this place?

Welcome to Captain Eli's Fish and Chips. The year is 2131.

Earth is in ruin.

Civilization as we know it is dead.

But Fish and Chips lives on. And it's crispier and tastier than ever.

Please, order by number.

Al, what do you have on? What the hell is going on here? It's the future, yo.

Sandy!

Sandy!

Eli, you can't. Come on, man.

Tell me you're just playing, man. Tell me, you know, you did this this morning,

right? This is just a joke. You're just messing with old Eli.

No, this is the direction I decided to go.

Why?

People like the future.

Dude, what does the future have to do with fish and chips?

What does a clown got to do with hamburgers? You're trying to freshen the

up, you know? Damn, what is that smell?

It smells like George Jackson climbed on the table and died.

Got to throw off some bad tartar sauce, man. Sorry.

Oh, come on, man. Let's go, man. Well, let's hang out. Maybe get the tour,

Sandy. Check the place out. What do you think? Look, I told you. I'm ready to

leave. I can't stand inside this place, man. That's why we got to fix it, right,

Frank? Yes.

Yes. So we got to fix it.

Sorry.

I'm having trouble breathing.

Take a look.

Wait.

I'm not sure I'm following this.

I'm telling you, you're looking at a guy who for one night was the Philly

Fanatic.

Hey.

Hi. Hey.

Hi. Hey.

Oh,

Jamie Decker, a new teacher at the school.

It's Stevenson Frankie Hector. Hey, Jamie. Hi.

Hi, nice to meet you. Hi, nice to meet you.

Well, we're going to get something to eat.

Nice to meet you, Jimmy. Yeah, nice to meet you. Good night.

Enjoy. Good seeing you guys.

Okay, okay.

What's this?

I don't know. What is that?

That's the knife.

Start with the appetizer, then the main course, then the Philly Fanatic story,

and then... That guy came to the table.

Bad, yeah.

Let me guess, old boyfriend?

Um, just an old friend.

Well, nonetheless, I had a great time.

I did, too.

So, how about...

How about maybe next Saturday we get together and catch a movie or something?

Yeah, I will check my schedule. I'll get back to you on that.

You got it.

Thanks.

Night.

Congratulations on having purchased McAllister's Guide to Sexual Perfection.

Larry McAllister.

What you are about to see is unlike any other sexual instruction product on the

market today.

I'm not going to waste your time with the same old nonsense about massage oils

and scented candles and pelvic exercises.

Instead, I will tell you precisely what to do with whatever God saw fit

to give you.

So, let's begin.

Please drop your pants and open your workbook to page 13.

This is awesome.

It's open.

Hey!

What's going on? Are you okay?

I'm about 10 ,000 light years away from okay. What happened? Was Jamie a jerk?

No. No, he's really nice.

Well, then what?

Is he gay?

Is he married? Is he married and gay?

Is he married to a gay married gay guy?

No, he's perfect.

He's perfect for me.

Yeah?

Not interested.

Oh, my God, you're kidding me.

It's this again? What, you can't be into a guy because he's what, too good for

you? That's not it.

So what's the problem?

I want Ed.

Holly, what am I going to do?

It's really happy. Frankie's great. I can't just... Okay, Carol, it seems to

like the only reason that you suddenly want Ed is because you see him slipping

away. No, no, I have always wanted him.

Ever since the beginning, I just wasn't ready, and now I am.

Okay, maybe it took Frankie to make me see it, but now I do see it, and I want

him.

I want him for real, and I want him for good. Because, you know, you've had a

tendency to be a bit flaky in the past.

I love him.

Well, then you gotta go for it.

Michael Roger Burton, what the hell was that?

Men, you don't understand that lovemaking is a delicate dance between

flesh.

I mean, I got to tell you, I thought last night was just a fluke, but then

this morning, it's a kaboom.

Kaboom.

Well, I'm going to head down and get some waffles.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

What?

Can we do it again?

Oh, man.

It takes a while to do it like that, and I have to get to the...

Three.

All right.

The Sultan of Seduction grants your request.

Where is what?

Sandy, don't play possum with me, man. Where's my secret recipe?

That's the recipe.

Alvin, look me in my eye and tell me this is my secret recipe.

We lost it.

You lost my secret recipe.

I think it might have disintegrated. Get me a pencil and a paper so I can write

this down so you guys will know what you're doing.

How's it going, Captain?

What are you guys doing here?

My posse and I decided you might need a little help fixing this place up.

White guy can have a posse, right?

Hey, Carol, I think there might be some more of Eli's old stuff behind those

plates out here.

I'll hand them back to you.

Thank you.

Hey, was that a date I saw you on the other night?

It, uh, it sort of turned into a first date, yeah.

How was it?

He was nice.

Good.

Ed. Yeah?

What?

What, you got something to tell me? Tell me. You can tell me anything. You know

that.

Can I?

Yeah, of course.

Oh, is it the new guy?

You like the new guy, don't you?

Well... Did you sleep with him on the first date? No.

Good. Because I think that you can tell me anything that might have its limits.

Hey.

I get it.

I know what you're thinking.

It gets a little weird when one of us has to tell the other about a new

boyfriend, girlfriend.

But if you're thinking that this guy might turn into something, I can handle

that.

Yeah, I can handle that. Seriously.

Okay.

That was it, right? That was it? Was that it? I was right?

You got me.

I knew it.

Let me optimize the lighting.

Hey, Eli, get out of here!

Come on, man. You got to see the finished product.

Whoa.

Thanks for everything, man.

I don't see why you can't just tell him how you feel.

Be quiet.

Enough.

After all this time, after all the crazy, amazing, romantic things that

done for me, I can't just corner the man at a fish and chips joint and tell him

that I love him. I have to do something big, something awesome, something Ed

-like. So what are you going to do?

I have been working on this all afternoon.

Careful. Come on, just watch it. Tell me what you think.

Good evening.

I'm Carol Vethy. And tonight it's my pleasure to welcome our first guest,

Duckyville High School English teacher, Carol Vethy. Carol?

Thank you, Carol. I'm delighted to be here.

Let's just jump right on in, why don't we?

Tell it.

How do you feel about Ed Stevens?

Uh, I would prefer not to discuss that.

Why is the topic of Ed Stevens so hard for you?

Because I've been a complete and total idiot about him.

What does that mean?

Missing my opportunity to be with Ed Stevens is, well, it's the biggest

of my life.

Ah, you've always been afraid you'd screw things up, hmm?

Terrified. And why aren't you afraid now, Carol?

Oh, I still am.

But now that Ed is with Frankie, I realize that there's something scarier

the thought of being with him.

The thought of losing him.

One last question, Carol.

Do you think what you're doing is fair to Ed and Frankie?

No.

Then why are you doing it?

Because I have to.

Come on.

Hey. Carol, hey. What's going on?

I was looking for a videotape. I think I might have left it here.

Yeah, the videotape.

It was a videotape on my desk. I was just about to watch it. No, no, no, no,

You don't want to do that. What the heck? Why not? What's on it?

Um, nothing that would interest you, really.

Come on, what is it? Is it something?

Nothing.

Is that Dr. McAllister's Guide to Sexual Perfection?

What? Come on, let me see.

Come on, tell me, what is it?

If you must know, it's this week's American Idol.

What?

You watch that?

I do, I do, I watch it. I started watching it ironically, and now I

care about who wins, and they've just brainwashed me, those crazy sons of

bitches.

Everything all right? I should get going.

Later.

See ya.

Eli, what you doing?

I'm just sitting here waiting for tomorrow.

Waiting on tomorrow?

Yeah.

Hey, listen, you kind of left in a hurry there today.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that, man. That was rude of me.

No, no.

No, not at all. I just... I have to say, Eli, from the moment we met, I've never

seen you down like this.

Yeah, right?

Y 'all like having inspiration in the wheelchair dude around, right?

But God forbid he stops smiling.

Things get depressing real fast, don't they? Eli, I didn't mean it like that.

Nah, nah, it's cool, man. It's cool.

That must have been tough having your whole life shoved back in your face like

that.

Dude, I get my whole life shoved in my face every day.

Let me ask you something.

How long does it take you to get dressed in the morning?

Five, ten minutes.

From the time I go in the bathroom to the time I tie my shoes, that's a

of two hours, man.

That's every damn day.

It's hard, man.

Getting up, getting dressed, getting to work.

Getting my ass in and out of this little go -kart.

It's every day, all day, man.

I don't know how you get through it.

There's only one way to do it.

You gotta act like it's business as usual.

Like you've been doing it your whole life.

Like there never was a yesterday, man.

Except there was.

Yeah, it was.

But not even the great Captain Eli could live there, man.

Nobody can, man.

What are you going to do now?

Guess I'm just going to sit here and wait for tomorrow, man.

All right.

Listen, is there anything I can... Don't worry your little old head, bro.

You're not going to be all right. I'll be here tomorrow, dog.

Okay. All right.

was great.

What?

That was a beauty session of lovemaking.

We played each other like a couple of a couple of Stradivari. I love you, honey.

Mike.

Yeah? You didn't do it.

What? That thing.

You didn't do it.

Oh, sure I did. No, you didn't.

Why not?

I guess I just got a little nostalgic for the old way.

You know what? I thought it was great.

Even better than the new way.

It's really not.

It's really not.

Well, sure it is.

The new way's overrated.

No, it's not. And you know it.

So, why didn't you do it?

It's hard.

What? The new way's kind of hard.

We can't...

Be that hard?

It's harder.

Well, clearly you're capable of it.

Yeah.

I just prefer not to.

That's so selfish.

If you think about it, honey, you're the one that's being selfish.

I've been serving you steak dinners all week, and now you're complaining about a

turkey club.

It was a delicious turkey club.

Hey.

Hey, Kel. Hey, thanks for coming.

I'm not really sure why I'm here.

I need to talk to you.

Okay.

So, you remember when I was trying to have a lucid dream a few weeks

ago?

Yeah. Well, it turns out I had one.

Oh, really? What was it about?

It was about me and Frankie.

Oh. Yeah, I was trying to figure out whether, well, whether I should go out

her, you know?

And it's funny. You know who kept pushing me to take the chance?

You know who?

You. Oh, well, I'm so glad I could help you out there.

Yeah, and in the dream, I kept thinking I was scared to go out with her because,

you know, we worked together. But you kept saying I was scared to go out with

her because I'm scared of relationships.

I'm scared of being disappointed.

So, did you decide to be with Frankie? I mean, in the dream.

Yeah, it was funny.

You see, there was a twist.

And when I finally decided that I should... I should go out with Frankie.

should take a chance.

And then you showed up.

And do you know what you did?

No.

You kissed me.

What do you suppose that means?

Well, Carol, I think it means that we cannot stay the way we are anymore.

This close.

Always gonna be in each other's way.

I'm right.

Right?

Right.

Hey. Hey.

Hey.

So... So I talked to Carol.

Yeah? Yeah.

Thank you.

It's out of go.

Good, I think.

She understands.

I feel selfish.

What? No, no, Frank, you should... No.

You shouldn't listen to... The truth is...

I think a part of me has been hanging on to Carol, some kind of romantic

fantasy. And I got to leave it behind because you and me, this is real.

Yes, it is.

Been doing some soul searching, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

No one soul searches like yours truly.

So, anyway.

Where are you going?

I'm going to go home. It's been a few days.

Great.

Okay. See you tomorrow.

Okay.

Ed, I don't want to screw up your whole Carol fantasy Frankie reality thing, but

I can be pretty romantic myself.

Oh, I know.

I know. I didn't mean it like that.

Night. Night.

Fuck you, boss.

Draft.

All right, all right.

Captain Eli's back in business.

All right. Hey, what's up, player?

All right, now. Enjoying that meal, huh? The best fish and chips in town.

Tastes so good how you're spartan with an English accent.

Better watch yourself.

All right, where's my man, Ben?

Ben, you all right, man? Oh, yeah. Thanks, Eli.

Thanks a lot.

That's my boy, that's my boy. Hey, y 'all enjoy your meals now, because you

I had to come here and put my magic touch on it.

Carol. Jamie.

How's it going?

Good.

So did you check your schedule?

If you're free Saturday night, I'd still love to take you to a movie or

something.

Sure.

All right, well, score one for Jamie Decker.

Don't worry, that's the last time I refer to myself in third person.

Okay, okay

I can be.

Two.

Do another two.

Love.

Thank you.

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