Original subtitles

I have to struggle with it. They never end up working out. The ones that work,

well, they're just plain work.

You gave her that advice because you don't want her to patch things up with

Leon. Why wouldn't I?

Because you kind of like her.

For whatever it's worth, I want you to know that I'm here for you.

Thanks.

Oh, man.

You guys got to see this. This is so cool.

Oh, 20 % off all Husky Boys overcoat.

No, it's an article.

Well, what's it about?

Lucid dreaming. Thanks.

Lucid dreaming. It says, like, when you're in the middle of a dream, right,

you realize you're dreaming, then when that happens, you're in control,

apparently, and you can do whatever you want.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, those are amazing.

Last night I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow.

I woke up this morning, my giant marshmallow was gone.

It's a meta joke.

You're a meta dork.

It says you can train yourself to have a lucid dream whenever you want.

God, I gotta try this.

I know, right? I can't wait to go to sleep.

I think I just did.

You don't think this is cool?

No. But I'll tell you what I do think is cool. What? The maneuver you pulled on

Frankie the other night. Oh, gee, here we go. Oh, come on, a drive -in just for

her? That's cooler than, like, a 10 ,000 -foot Fonzie.

Can't you keep anything to yourself?

No, not really.

It wasn't a maneuver. Oh, really? It wasn't a maneuver?

What do you got going on there? Nothing. Come on, what's up with you guys?

Nothing. Seriously, Eddie, what's up with you and Frankie? Nothing. Nothing

up with me and Frankie. Look, you guys, once and for all, okay, that drive -in

movie thing, that was simply a friendly gesture to help her cheer up, right? We

did not have sex. We did not kiss. We did not hold a hand, all right? We

watched the movie. That's it, all right? I'm her employer.

She's my employee.

The end.

So, Ed, what's up with you and Frankie?

I can keep by your side

I think you're too early, didn't I?

Maybe a hair.

So now do I still answer the how are you or did the other good take care of it?

You know, that's really your call.

I'm good.

Well, I guess I'll get to work now.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

That's what it is.

What? No, what? For a second there, I forgot the word tort.

You couldn't remember tort?

I forgot. I just, I thought, you know, I kept thinking tart.

I knew that wasn't right. I said, that's not right. But now I got it. I got it.

It's tort.

I can understand how you could make that mistake.

Tart. Tort. Really just one letter difference.

Yeah.

Tart has an A.

Tort has an O. Exactly the difference.

Yeah.

Hey, Mike, get this. Once you're lucid, that is, once you become aware that

you're dreaming, they say you can create anything or anyone just by wishing them

into existence. How cool is that?

Uh -huh.

They say you can fly to Jupiter, shake hands with the brontosaurus, fight

besides George Washington in the Revolutionary War.

Right.

And they say it's not just for fun. You can solve your problems. You can conquer

your fears.

Uh -huh.

They say there's plenty of ways you can induce a lucid dream. Mike, you want to

hear some of these?

Mike? Yeah, what'd you say?

Dude, are you in the can?

Not anymore.

I'm hanging up now.

Yeah, hang up, idiot.

Once I dream, I'll realize I'm dreaming. Once I dream, I'll

realize I'm dreaming.

Once I dream, I'll realize I'm dreaming. Once I dream.

Once I dream, I will realize I'm dreaming.

Good morning.

Morning.

So, any luck with the dream?

None whatsoever.

Just be careful with that dream stuff, okay, Bosco? Because if you die in a

dream, you die in real life. That's ridiculous.

Oh, yeah? That's what happened to Bob Denver.

Bob Denver's still alive.

For now.

Excuse me.

Might I have a moment of your time?

Duncan, yes, absolutely. Yes, Duncan.

Frankie, this is Duncan. He owns a smiling goat. Oh, hi. I love the goat.

to meet you. I need a lawyer.

I trust you are familiar with my famous skintaculars. Oh, absolutely, Duncan. I

order them all the time. What are skintaculars? They are my best -selling

appetizers.

Crispy fried potato skins stuffed with cheddar, cheese, onions, bacon bits, and

imitation bacon bits.

Why both kinds of bacon? Don't question.

Go with the skin -tacklers. Delicious.

Jerry's Diner on Union Street is ripping me off. They are selling the exact same

dish, prepared in the exact same way, and they are even calling them skin

-tacklers.

Wow. That's utterly skin -tolerable.

Sorry. I want to file a cease and desist.

Listen, I don't blame you, but what do you think, Frank? I mean, we could...

Shirley. Excuse me, I've lost something.

What'd you lose? A Mexican jumping bean. A Mexican jumping bean. It belongs to

my niece. Please let me know if you find it. It looks like a regular bean, but

every now and then it bounces in a vaguely disappointing way.

Eating unusual combinations of foods at bedtime may increase your chance of a

lucid dream, okay?

I really need to get a life.

Any lucid dreams last night?

Nope, just a regular boring old nightmare.

Final exam is today. I never studied or went to any of the classes.

I have that one constantly.

All rise.

Be seated.

Mr. Stevens, your client wishes his court to order Jerry's Diner to stop

skintaculars. Is that correct?

Your Honor, we understand Smiling Goat does not own the concept of potato

Jerry may serve them if he wishes to do so. However, he may not call them

skintaculars. I thank you.

Thank you, Eddie.

Miss Verdon?

Your Honor, the term skintaculars is not protected by... You just call me Eddie.

Moreover, it's not originated by the Smiling Goat. It's a good thing when a

judge calls you Eddie?

I'm not sure.

I think we'll judge Donnelly. I need to lose my... Wait a minute. Why is Judge

Donnelly... Jerry's Diner has every right to use it. Excuse me, Your Honor.

Yes? I'm sorry. Didn't you retire?

No. You're mistaken.

I am?

No, I'm not. No, I'm not. You retired. You did. You retired. I was at your

retirement party. I was at a retirement party. They served chocolate gavels.

Mr. Steebles, sit down.

You just call me Mr. Steebles.

Mr. Steebles, you're out of order.

Mr. Steebles.

Mr. Steebles.

Mr. Stubbles?

Hey, hold on. Hold on. You're not the bailiff yet.

You're the arts and crafts guy from my summer camp.

It's Graham, the arts and crafts guy.

Hey.

Frankie, don't you see?

I did it.

I did it.

I did it. Ah!

Oh!

This is great.

This is tremendous.

This is...

It's good.

It's good.

This guy is amazing.

I can do whatever I want.

Look at this. Look at me. Look what I'm doing.

Look what I'm doing.

I'm having a lucid dream.

Hey, what's going on? You okay?

Indeed I am.

Look, buddy, this better be good. I can't feel patient to come down here.

And what are you doing?

It's tremendous.

It's just like reality.

Will you stop touching me?

Okay, Mike.

You ready for this?

I guess you're using modeling glue in a small enclosed space.

I'm dreaming.

Lucid dreaming. Right now, you and I are in my dream.

Okay, I think I'm going to head back to my office. Maybe you better come with

me.

I'll prove it to you.

Dance an Irish jig.

I don't want to. Too bad. My dreams, my rules. I'm in charge. Now dance an Irish

jig.

Welcome to dreamland, pal.

Bosco, can I get a quick favor? You're not going to believe this. Yeah, yeah, I

know. You're dreaming. Listen, just make me president of the United States and I

am out of your hair.

What? Come on, man. I just mopped the whole floor. All I'm asking for is a

presidency. I don't think so. It's just a dream. When you wake up, it'll be

Clinton again. Bush. No, Bush was before Clinton.

Fine,

whatever. You're the president.

Thanks, man.

Can I please stop now?

And...

Well, why did you... You kissed me. Yeah. On the lips. Oh, yeah.

May I ask why?

Just curious.

Oh, heck, I thought I might break up the day. It's dreaming.

It's true. It's true. You know how I kept talking about lucid dreams? I'm

one right now. Really?

And we're all in it? You're all in it, and I can do whatever I want. That's

cool. It is cool. You know, speaking of cool, you know what might be fun?

Check this out, sport.

Come on, it's my wife.

I know, Mike. That's what makes it fun.

You're sick, Bess. Yeah.

No, think of kissing.

I always kind of wanted to kiss one of those Victoria's Secret models.

Hi there, I'm Mindy. Hi, Mindy. I'm Ed. May I kiss you? Of course.

Great. Eh? Yeah.

Can I kiss Mindy? Yeah, sure. I'm sorry. Go right ahead, my friend. Whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're not kissing Mindy. Why not? You kissed Ed.

I don't care.

I'm not going to kiss Mindy. Come on, man. It's not even my dream. It's Ed's

dream. I'm totally in the clear on this. Ed, you've got to talk to her. No, I'm

sorry, buddy. No. Thank you, Mindy. You can go. Bye.

It's a load of crap.

Look at this, Mike.

All these buildings, all these people. I created all of it. Get a hold of

yourself. I did, Mike.

I'm the creator.

Take this guy, for instance. Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir.

What's your name?

Larry Shanoozy.

Larry Shanoozy.

Where do I come up with these things?

Hey, Mike, I just thought of something. What's that?

I bet I can fly.

You can't fly. No, of course I can. It's my dream. I'm God of my dreams. I can

do anything I want. Watch this.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's happening.

Well, it's not.

I need a little momentum.

Girl. What are you doing? There you are.

Well, I'm trying to fly.

I'm dreaming right now.

Oh, yeah. I know all about the big dream. Right.

Yeah. So you want to get this over with now or later?

What? Come on. You kissed Nancy. You kissed Molly. You kissed a lingerie

I think we all know who you want to kiss next.

Who, you?

Yeah. So.

No. I don't like your attitude.

Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine with me.

Your dream. See you airborne?

Nah.

Has it ever crossed your mind that instead of kissing girls and trying to

you should do something useful with this experience?

Like what?

This is a window into your deep psyche. You should be plowing inward, trying to

find out the deep -seated reason why you're not moving forward with Frankie.

I already know the reason. It's because we work together.

Oh, poppycock.

Poppycock? Poppycock.

Now go find out the real reason.

Excuse me. As long as you're a little thoughtful, you don't want to chew on

this.

Hmm.

All right, Mike.

Let's get to the bottom of this whole Frankie thing. Are you kidding me? You

could be indulging in every whim. All I want to do is talk about your boring

-ass relationship.

Look, I was right, Mike. I got to get in there. Do you see some fried chicken if

we're going to do this? All right, fine.

Okay, now listen. Here's the thing.

I admit it. I like Frankie. Mm -hmm.

But my working relationship...

It's fantastic. So, what if you start dating and that messes things up? Plus,

I'm her boss. I really don't make her feel that she's dead or that she has

Sport, are you even listening to me?

Yeah, go ahead.

I don't even know why I bother with you. I mean, I don't have to talk to you. I

can talk to anyone I want. I can get my advice from anyone. I can get my advice

from Albert Einstein.

You might check it out.

Albert Einstein.

Hey, Professor Einstein, listen.

What do you think I should do about Frank?

The answer, my young friend, lies in the fourth dimension.

Time? No, your heart.

equals MC squared.

You're not really Albert Einstein, are you?

Steve Weiner.

I'm a professional Albert Einstein look -alike.

Steve Weiner.

Want some chicken, Steve?

Okay. Not really very good at this, am I?

Uh, excuse me. Hey. Hey, where am I?

Well, you're in... Wait a second, man.

I know you. You're Taye Diggs. Yeah.

Who are you? I'm Ed Stevens. Anybody check it out? It's Taye Diggs. It's Taye

Diggs. Taye Diggs, Taye Diggs. You know Taye Diggs. Didn't you see Chicago?

Oh, please. I hate musicals.

Listen, I thought it was a great movie. Hey, what's Richard here like? He seems

like a nice man. Is he a nice man? Yeah, he's nice. Could you tell me, please,

where the hell I am?

You're in my dream, actually.

Why are you dreaming about me?

I don't know.

Okay, well, could you stop, please? Because I have a run with my sister in

15 minutes.

Yeah, sorry. Yeah, I'll try.

Visualize. Visualize.

No, Tay -Tay. Ready?

I'm still here. Yeah.

You see, I don't really know how to get... How's it going, Tay -Tay?

Hey!

That's the... I gotta... Excuse me, man. I gotta go talk to her.

Does she make good living doing Einstein?

I do okay. I do a lot of print work. Yeah? You really look like... You could

Mark Twain, too.

Hey, Frankie.

There's something we need to discuss.

Okay.

Geez, I don't even know where to start. Ask her if she likes you. Mike.

She probably doesn't even like you. If she doesn't like you, then the whole

point is moot. Mike. So ask her. I'm right here.

Sorry, Frankie. Sorry. Listen, I wouldn't even ask you this if I weren't

dreaming, but... Yes, I like you.

You do?

Very much.

What's up now?

Well, it's your dream. What else are you going to say? A little privacy, please.

All right.

Bye, Frankie. Bye.

Frankie, I like you too.

Yeah, I kind of figured.

I'm worried that asking you out might ruin what we got going here between you

and I. I mean professionally, that is.

It very well could.

You probably better just leave it alone.

Probably so.

Good, then it's settled.

Excuse me, can I help you, gentlemen?

Area secured for Golden Hawk.

Repeat, area secured.

Mr. President?

Edward.

Good to see you, old friend.

Mitch Hector, you look low.

Seriously, you look hot. Say the word, I will Air Force One our asses to

campaign. Cut it out.

Cut it out, Mr. President.

There's an old Italian proverb that says, at the end of the chess game, all

pieces go back in the same box.

Now, Shakespeare... Blah -biddy -blah -biddy -blah -blah -blah.

How's it going? How you doing? Ed, what are you doing here? I thought you were

going to stop screwing around and figure out why you're not pursuing Frankie. I

already figured it out already, so now I'm back to screwing around. Class,

repeat after me.

Mommy's got a bunion.

Mommy's got a bunion.

How good is that?

What do you mean you've got it all figured out? Frankie and I, we talked

the whole thing. Yes, we like each other. We're not going to pursue a

relationship because we work together. Problem solved.

Good Lord!

Fat Tony swallowed a marble.

Good Lord!

Fat Tony swallowed a marble.

Hi, Gilligan.

What the? Here, put this on.

Oh, hey, what game's here, folks?

We're doing Gilligan's Island. We thought we'd all play a different

It'll be hilarious.

No, no, this is my dream. We're not doing that. Oh, Ed, but your dream's

boring. Yeah, it's getting stale. Would you excuse the two of us for a minute?

Sure.

Ed? Yeah? You're making a big mistake. When you wake up, you have to ask

out. I already told you, we work together.

That is a convenient excuse. It's not the real reason. Oh, what's the real

reason? You're scared.

Scared?

Why would I be scared to date an old Frankie?

You're scared of relationships.

I'm not scared of relationships. I've had plenty of relationships. What about

Bonnie Han? What about Jennifer Bradley? Totally safe. Both of them. With them,

you knew there was no future. But with Frankie, you think there could be one.

Very original.

That's exactly what I said to you when you were with Denny.

Maybe we're alike that way.

Maybe we're alike. Okay, let me continue the thesis for you, Dr. Freud. Yeah,

I'm afraid of relationships because I had a divorce, right?

No.

Shirley?

Just looking for my bean.

All right.

You were saying?

This goes back much earlier than life.

Oh, okay.

Then what is it, Carol?

Say I'm afraid of relationships, which I'm not, but just saying for the moment

that I am, then why?

This is your dream, right?

Yeah. You can do whatever you want, right? Yeah.

These are three moments from your past involving women. Why don't you go back,

check them out, find out what they have in common.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're going back to the future.

Hey, Carol.

Hey.

I think we've had quite enough of that. Okay, no problem.

Go, Ed.

Oh, boy. Mike, here we are back again in good old 1978.

Even the air seems different. Can you feel it? I can practically taste the

stagflation. Holy jumping.

Cal's note says we've got to be at Danny Jarvis' treehouse in two minutes. We'd

better run. Come on. I can't run in these shoes. I have not enough heart

support. Mike, come on. I'm just dreaming over there, for God's sake.

All right.

Check it out. Look at that little Mike.

I get the feeling we're about to witness something painfully adorable.

I remember this day.

It's the very first ever game of spin the bottle.

Oh, yeah, look at me and that little cute Lauren McMullen.

Atta boy, little Mike.

As you were.

Look, that cute little Joanna Fawn was about to spin the bottle, man. I had

a huge crush on her.

It's you, Ed.

Go for it, buddy.

Excuse me just a second.

Give me the dog.

Oh, here we go. That's good.

Ed, what are you doing? Kiss her, you jackass.

I can't, but she's all you ever talk about.

I know, Mike.

It's just, I've got real feelings about this girl, you know?

When I kiss her, it's got to be perfect.

I'll just kiss you, little chump. I better go.

Hey, little Mike.

It only gets worse. Escape while you can.

Okay, what's next?

Jeff Jacobs bar mitzvah party.

Hmm.

I don't see what we're so wrong about not kissing Joanne Alfano under those

circumstances. I mean, a bottle lands on a spot, you're supposed to, what, just

pluck her up? We're here.

Oh, my God.

I did it.

Jeff Jacobs bar mitzvah party.

Oh, there we are.

Yeah.

I can't just walk up to Barbara Turnup and start talking to her. Why not?

We've been talking about her for a year and a half now.

Well, I had this feeling of being fat and having a zit.

That's how you were?

I didn't look like that. No, you did. My dream, don't lie.

You hear this song?

Yeah. It was in 1982.

The song didn't come out until 1985.

Fine. Why don't you go post that on the internet message boards about my dream

now? Can you please get back to the business of getting valuable insight

psyche? Look at her. She's perfect.

Smart, funny, interesting, cool.

How'd you know? You never even said two words to her. I can tell.

Ed, ten cents if you walk up and talk to Barbara Turner. But, Mike. Ten cents,

Ed. What's ten cents?

It's always ten bucks.

You know, I thought they would think it was cute.

A young soldier, too, on the roadside. I know.

So, um, come to bar mitzvahs often?

Not really.

Holy crap, that's lame.

What? It was a joke. I said it ironically. Could you two pipe down?

They're trying to work over here. Sorry, little Ed. Get in there.

Hi, I'm Ed.

Yeah, hi.

Are you going to Frank Latane's party?

Uh, no. Are you going?

Yeah.

Between you and me, I don't want to.

But if you don't go to Frank's party, you're not going to get invited to his

buddy Ralph's party.

Which sort of takes you out of the loop of Teddy Jackson. Not all she's cracked

up to be, is she?

No, she really isn't.

I really feel like I don't have any choice but to go and put on a brave face

get through it. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

On behalf of each and every American, I'd like to wish Jeff Jacobs and his

family the best of everything on this very, very special day.

Please, Mr. President, surely there's more important things for you to be

than being here.

Mr. Vice President, there is nothing more important than the day a boy

man in the eyes of God.

I'm not enjoying myself, Ed.

Not at all.

Why did Kyle want me to see that? I don't know, but I think it was rude that

left before the horror.

By the way, nice haircut.

I deserve further comment until you take a look in the mirror, sport.

Holy crap, what are we back at? Back in high school, December 10th, 1985.

What was that about? I just made the varsity basketball team. Oh, you did?

Yeah, for the first time in my life, I'm actually a little bit cool. Yeah, very

little bit.

Oh, hey, Mike, look.

That's Carol. So what?

This is it, Mike. This is my chance.

What do you mean, your chance? It's my chance, Mike. I've been in love with

girl since freshman year. I've never even talked to her once. You talk to

all the time? Yeah, right.

As if, in my dreams.

Oh, I get it. You're being high school ed.

Now that I'm in the basketball team, maybe I should take a shot. Ask her out.

least just say hi. What do you think, Mike?

You, uh, you want me to act now? Is that what we're doing? What do you think,

Mike? You think I have a chance?

Yes, Ed, you've got as good a chance as anyone. Go talk to her.

Okay. Here I go.

I'm going to do it.

I'm going to go talk to her.

Here I go.

I'm going to do it.

Can't do it.

Got to go.

No, you can't do it.

And you never did.

Now do you see?

Now do you understand?

Wait, are you in high school count or regular count right now? Ed, you have

lived in a romantic fantasy world.

Your whole life. You've been over -romanticizing girls since you were

years old.

Very good, Carol. No, I haven't. Did you see yourself at that spin -the -bottle

game? You blew up that little girl into such huge mega -ultra -hyper -uber

-goddess proportions you couldn't even give her a meaningless little kiss.

There's no such thing as a meaningless little kiss.

There is, but not for you.

And then, at the bar mitzvah party, you finally made a move, and what happened?

She disappointed you.

That's right.

Because the real girl could never live up to your fantasy. That's why you

say hi to me just now.

You were afraid that the reality would let you down.

You know what?

This is crazy. Far from it.

This fear has been plaguing you your entire life.

Ever since you got divorced, it's only gotten worse.

Can I put my collar down now?

Yeah, go ahead.

Thanks.

Excuse me.

Yeah, who are you?

Little Taye Diggs. I'm looking for Dana Jarvis' treehouse.

You're late, man. We already did that.

Oh.

Taye Diggs was good looking when he was young, too.

She's right, Mike.

Carol's right.

Maybe I am afraid of relationships. What do I do now, though? Do I face my

fears?

Move forward? The warning's staying away. What do I do? It's still starting

feel really wrong, Ed. Oh, no.

Buddy.

Okay, this is really unacceptable.

So I need you to find another random celebrity to dream about.

See, I don't... How about Denzel? You like Denzel Washington? Let me get you

Denzel. I don't even... Hold up, hold up, hold up. Taye Diggs. Yo, what's up,

man? I'm Eli.

What's the matter, brother?

Hi, Eli. You got the main serac of this production?

Oh, no, man. It's all in the fabric, brother. You need a spindle to blitz out

this farfing nougat.

Stop.

What the hell is going on here?

You think we actually speak like this?

What? No. Well, it's your dream now, isn't it, Ed? What did you just say?

Brothers need some spindles?

What's that about? What's a spindle? Do you know what that is? I have no idea.

And farfing nougat?

Come on, that's a Volkswagen commercial from ten years ago. I know it can do

better than that.

I'm just a white guy from Ohio. I'm doing the best I can here.

All right.

Whatever. What's going on with the girl, man?

Really? You're going to help? Lay it on me. Excellent. What it is, Ed just be

jagging and jilling over whether to waffle this smoke.

Any closer?

No.

Not at all.

Question is, whether or not I should ask out this girl, Frankie Hector.

She's very pretty, smart, vivacious, purge, sunny -counted.

What are you doing? Oh, weird.

And what's she doing now?

She's eating her tall cheese.

So surreal.

Nancy, okay.

Nancy,

I have some important decisions to make right now.

Come on, Ed. You need to do some more surreal stuff in your dream. No, I

Nancy, because it's not that kind of dream.

Ed, you're making a very big mistake.

Hey, that Tay -Tay.

Hey. Out of my dream right now. Hit the brakes. Stay walking. On you go. Come

on, Molly.

Can I make a suggestion?

Absolutely.

Since you're so scared of the reality of a relationship, why don't you test

drive it while you're still dreaming?

What do you mean?

Ask the girl to marry you.

Give it a try.

You cock your fears or you don't. Either way, you're still going to wake up.

Wow.

That's brilliant.

Thank you, Taye Diggs. How come you never give me advice like that? I don't

know. I guess I'm not the great Taye Diggs.

Gotta go.

There you are. Listen.

Ed, take a look at this.

Bill.

Bill!

Bill.

Could you please stop following Canada?

Why? It's fun. Hey, you met my new vice president?

Mindy. Yeah, that old guy was bumming me out. Listen, if you need us, we'll be

taking a much -deserved break at Camp David.

Frankie?

Frankie?

Frankie. Frankie.

Yeah, Frankie, listen.

I gotta talk to you. Yes?

I think we should get married.

What? I'm getting married. We gotta give it a shot. I think we owe it to

ourselves.

I'm sorry, Ed.

What? What? Wait, hey, whoa. Oh, hold on, wait.

Time out. Time out. Why not? Well, for one thing, I don't think that was much

a proposal. What are you talking about? It's just a dream. Which means it should

be better. If you think about it, you could fly around or something. No, I

fly. Well, whatever. You could at least say it like you mean it.

Frankie Hector, will you marry me?

Why? Because I need to know.

Need to know what?

I need to know if you're the one.

Look, Frankie, if I don't figure this thing out before I wake up, I'm worried

I'll never, never take a chance.

Okay.

Really? Yeah, Dad.

I'll marry you.

Wow, this is cool.

I mean, even in a dream, it's cool.

Yeah.

Mike, Mike, I'm engaged.

I'm engaged.

Hey, Mike, Frankie and I, we're going to be married.

Wow.

I got the goosebumps.

Wow, I can't wait for the wedding, Mike. I tell you, I'm going to...

I'm going to do it up. Why not? It's my dream. I can do anything I want. What do

I do?

Maybe I'll have Frankie and I fly in on the back of a golden dragon.

Is that too obvious?

Still, it's not. Mike, it's going to be great. It's going to be splendid. It's

going to be spectacular and fun.

Oh, the honeymoon. Oh, I can't wait for the honeymoon. Mike, I'm going to dream

us all over again. You're missing the whole point.

What? You want to marry Frankie so you can see what it's really going to be

like, right?

Yeah. Yeah, so what you need to experience is the reality of a day -to

marriage, not some honeymoon on Planet Zamoomba or whatever you got in mind.

You're right. You're right. Okay, so here's what I'll do, Mike. Heck, I'll

skip ahead to a...

Say, like, day 3 ,596, some random day in my marriage to Frankie. There you go.

All right. Hey, Mike.

I think she'll finally take an interest in my dream. Go away.

Okay.

I had it first!

I want it! Dad, I really want a dog. All my friends have dogs, and I don't. Huh?

What? I need a dog. You need a what?

Ed, Ed, did you get the top medicine?

What? Dad, I take...

No, this is gross. I totally take care of it. You didn't go to the pharmacy?

What's going on? Girls, don't... Dad, I want a dog. I didn't know I was supposed

to go to a pharmacy. Dad, please.

Glenn, don't bother your father.

You named our kid Glenn? Let's say we go get ourselves a dog.

Dad, Dad. I didn't know I was supposed to go. Get this down.

We're penguins. Yeah, we're penguins.

I want a dog. Dad, it's dog time.

Dad,

Dad. Is the dog done?

It's dog time. I didn't give him his dog time.

It is dog time. I don't know if we can have a dog. What's your mother's age?

Hi, honey.

Frankie. Yeah?

How old are you?

73.

Oh. Well, you're the one that wanted to test this out. Don't you want to see how

it all ends up?

Yeah, sure.

So you should be 76 now.

Oh.

Whoa. Oh, boy.

Should have come back in the old bacon cheeseburgers.

So,

how's it all end up?

Well, Glenn is a plastic surgeon in San Diego.

Married, three kids.

All of them want a dog.

Hey, wait. Can we take off the old people makeup? It seems kind of lame.

definitely.

How about the girls?

Carly is a prosecutor in New York City, married, two kids. Megan is a buyer for

Neiman Marcus. She's a confirmed bachelorette.

So it's just us?

Yep. And what kind of stuff do we do?

Well, by day, we're the oldest practicing bowling alley lawyers in

Wow.

Stuckyville lives? Yep.

What do we do when we're not working? We go at it like a couple of crazed

bunnies. Really?

I'm still getting it done at age 76?

Well, once every four or five months.

That's good.

Come on.

Let's go for a walk.

That we still do every day.

I'm going to get my check.

Okay.

Hey, Frankie.

Yeah?

Are we happy?

Yes, Ed.

We are.

there, Captain Lucidity.

Oh, hey, Carol.

Got the look of a man who's got things all figured out.

You know, I guess I have, thanks to you. You were right about everything.

You're too kind.

No, no, it turns out you weren't a hell of an armchair psychologist, matter of

fact. First thing I do when I wake up, buy you an armchair.

And the second thing?

I tell Frankie how I feel about her. I'm finally ready to trade in fantasy for

reality.

You sure about that?

That's what I thought.

What are you... What are you... Face it, Ed.

There's one fantasy you're not quite ready to part with.

Oh.

Huh?

I don't believe this.

Frankie. You know, on second thought, I think I'll go for that walk by myself.

No, Frankie, wait. I didn't mean to... I can explain.

Yeah, I don't think so.

You two enjoy yourselves.

No, Frankie. Oh, no.

Probably should have seen that coming. How could you do that? You ruined

everything. I didn't do anything.

You made it happen.

What?

It's your dream, remember?

I know he looks so sad. Let's give him a hanky.

Will you two knock it off?

No, we planned it and we're doing it.

You started out with my sins and laid my restraints. A guy who looks like I'm

dying. And Mr.

Tatings.

That's it. I'm out of here.

What are you doing back here? Don't impeach me. It's a right -wing, bleeding

-heart liberal Republican conspiracy.

Is that right? Where's Frankie? In your office.

Ah! What? There's some kind of living bean in the penny dish.

Ah, that's just Shirley's. Oh, Frankie, where are you going? What does it look

like? I'm sorry, okay? Listen, that Carol thing, that was just my mom

tricks on me, okay? Great excuse. No, it's true, it's true.

Honest to God, my mind can be a real idiot sometimes. But look, Frankie,

the thing. I want to be with you. You do?

Yes. Then why haven't you kissed me? I...

What is it? You've kissed Carol, Molly, Nancy, Mindy, everyone but me. Think

about it. You proposed, we were married, but not a single kiss.

Well, it's just an oversight. Really? Then let's correct it.

Let's do that.

Go ahead.

Forget it. No, wait, I'm just ramping. No, forget it, Ed. I've had enough of

your stupid dream. Frankie, wait, we've got to sort this out. Don't sort it out

with little Taye Diggs. No, Frankie, we've got to talk about this. We have to

sort it out.

Will you guys keep it down, Frankie? If you leave, I'm not...

Hang on a second. Hey.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Shirley, is Frankie here? She's in your office. Thanks. Hey, you might just want

to check your penny dish.

No.

What? Four pennies, no bean.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

Frankie. Ed.

Frankie.

Listen, there's an elephant in the room that both of us are pretending to

ignore.

Well, now it's time to talk about it. Okay.

Okay.

Well, Frankie, I think that elephant is you and me.

You're going to have to give me some tiny form of encouragement in order to

continue this conversation.

Go on. Thank you.

I just think, Frankie, that, you know, we got to...

We've got to sort this sucker out, Frank. We've got to figure it out,

you know, heck, we work together. You know, we're colleagues, we're compadres.

Specifically, you're my boss and I'm your employee. Yes, exactly right. Yeah.

Right, so I just kind of think that a relationship, you know, a certain sort

between the two of us, well, would not be appropriate, right? Right.

Right.

Okay.

So, um... You're fired.

Okay, you're rehired.

I quit.

Can I have my job back?

In a minute.

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