Original subtitles

Frankie Hector, 9 a .m., right on time.

Is that your car, though?

Uh, yes.

You sitting in the parking lot?

Uh, yes. Yes, I was.

Why? Well, truth be told, I got here at 8 .25.

Didn't want to risk being late on my first day.

You could have just come in.

I didn't want to make a bad first impression.

You were in early, though, not late. Early can be worse than late. I have a

theory on that.

Which is? Oh, no, no. No, no, please.

Okay, well, it depends on the time frame. Let's say you're invited to

house for a dinner party.

Fifteen minutes or less early can be better than late, but take, for example,

hour and a half old, and late is better than early.

An hour and a half late to a dinner party is pretty rude, isn't it? True,

you can recover. I'm so sorry. The traffic was terrible.

But you show up to a six o 'clock dinner party at 4 .30 for the rest of your

life. You're the weird guy.

Coffee? Please.

Welcome aboard.

Thank you.

in the sky tonight there I can keep by

your side watching the wide world riot

and hiding out I'll be coming home next year

I'd like to introduce you to Frankie Hector. She's a lawyer. She'll be

with me in the legal practice. This is Eli.

Hey, how you doing, Frankie? Good.

Hey, don't you let Becky Goss work you too hard now. I'll try.

Hey, this is Shirley. Oh, Shirley. Ed told me a lot about you.

I just want you to know up front that I'm not going anywhere.

I'm sorry?

Any hopes you might have of working your way into my job will go unrealized.

I don't want you to resent me for being a logjam to your career.

A logjam?

But aren't you at the system?

That's right.

Yeah, and this is Phil. It's so good of you to join us at 10 .30. Yeah, I'm

sorry, Bosco. Daylight savings, so I'm just kicking my ass. Three months ago.

I know, but this year's just been particularly hard, don't you think?

Phil, this is Frankie. She's going to be working with me in the law office.

Hi. Good, good.

You know, ever since Kenny left, there's been a real lack of sexual tension

around here.

I'm not sure I understand.

Can you, sir?

Carmela? Oh, my goodness.

Googled you, Dr. Burton, and the Google said that you once were married to

Elizabeth Taylor.

I think that's Richard Burton, Carmela. You forgot to use the quotes.

Oh.

What time is Mr. Sen coming in?

He's not coming in. He canceled.

Damn.

Can you get him on the phone?

Oh, yes.

Of course.

It's for you.

Hi, Mr.

Sen.

It's Dr.

Burton calling. I was just checking in to see how you're feeling.

Oh, you do?

That's good.

Good.

Well, you might want to come in to get it checked out. This is a precaution.

I understand.

I'm glad to see you're feeling better.

You too.

So did you always dream to be practicing law from inside a bowling alley? I

think it's cool.

Is that my desk? That's your desk.

Wow, my first desk.

Well, not my first desk. I mean, I've had desks before.

It's cool inside. It's my first paying desk.

First paying desk.

Hey, there's a Mr. Harris here to see you. Ah, send him in, Shirley.

Our first client.

What should I do? Do you want me to wait outside?

Not as long as that desk is paying you.

Hey, Mr. Harris. Oh, uh, Willie.

Hey, you're the guy who ended the horse to break up that wedding. Yeah.

Now, how did it go?

It's a long story. This is my associate, Frankie Hector. Hi. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

So what can we help you with, Mr. Harris?

I'm having a problem with my sister.

What's the problem?

She wants to gay me out.

Do what?

Gay me out. She's going to put an ad in the penny saver telling everyone that

I'm gay.

She wants to out you?

Yes, that's what I just said. She wants to gay me out.

I think the expression is to...

Never mind. Why does she want to do this? Because she's nuts.

Bonkers.

Cuckoo. She said, unless I tell everyone that I'm gay, she's going to do it for

me. And you don't want to do this?

Well, of course not.

Okay. Well, uh, Mr. Harris, there is one question that's quite pertinent to this

case. What's that?

Frankie?

Me? Paying desk.

It's my first day. Or is it your last day?

Well, sir, there's one obvious question to be asked at this time. What's that?

Are you in fact homosexual?

No!

What planet is she from?

Hmm?

Marty Stanton?

Oh, yeah. Hey, Doc. Hey, what are you doing?

Oh, just out for a lovely mid -afternoon stroll.

But I'm late now. I gotta run.

How can you be late for a lovely mid -afternoon stroll?

Well, you caught me. I was on my way to Dr. Jerome's home.

Oh, I didn't order wine.

He did.

Wow. Looks like Miss Bessie's going to get a little afternoon delight.

Just relax.

No, yeah, relax.

Have fun.

Hey. Hi.

Thank you so much for the glass of wine.

Sure.

My name's Matt.

I'm Carol.

Nice to meet you, Carol.

Another Johnny Walker, red meat.

Yeah, okay, this doesn't want to work.

What? The thing is, I have been dating scotch -drinking, glass -swirling,

handsome guys my whole life, and I'm through. So, the Matt was Matt, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm really sorry, but do you want any wine back here?

It's okay. It needs wine.

Looks like someone's got some unresolved issues. I know the type.

He's like every guy I've ever dated, and I'm not going down that road again. No.

From this point on, I'm dating a different kind of guy. What kind of guy?

nice kind. The normal kind.

Really? And where are you going to find that?

They're all over. You see them every day.

Where? There's a million of them.

Toby Gibbons.

What?

What's wrong with Toby Gibbons?

No. It's fine.

I think you should go out with Toby Gibbons.

You sure I can't get you anything?

Coffee? Water? No, thank you, Ms. Myers. We're fine. All right.

What seems to be the problem?

My brother tell you I was the wicked witch of the West.

No, he doesn't want you to run the ad in the penny saver announcing he's gay.

Of course he doesn't.

And as his attorney, I can assure you, he's prepared to take full legal action

against you if you do run it.

Ooh, scary.

Legal action.

Ms. Myers, I urge you to take this seriously.

Reconsider your position. Why do this?

Why? Because I love him.

And I want my brother to be happy.

Funny way of showing it.

Really? I don't think so.

Willie is a 43 -year -old man who, because he stubbornly refuses to admit

gay, is lonely and miserable.

Will this ad embarrass him for a moment? Maybe.

But then it will free him and give him a chance to find actual happiness.

Your brother says he's not gay, Ms. Myers.

Funny. As far as we've come as a society, he still feels the need to hide

Sad, don't you think?

Not exactly the devil we thought she'd be.

No, it would have been much better if she were evil and nutty.

True. Now we've offered an injunction to try and stop him from placing the app.

Oh, right.

So what are the possible arguments?

I will.

Good. What else?

Invasion of privacy.

Right. So which should it be?

Well, for libel, the ad needs to be a lie, which would then depend on whether

not Willie is actually gay. If he is gay, then there's no libel. Now, for

invasion of privacy, we would have to show that Willie clearly didn't want his

sexuality to become public, and he had a reasonable expectation that it should

be kept private. That's good. Any hot talk?

Sure. So,

uh, where should it be?

Uh, okay. Well, uh, let's see.

Thank you.

But, before I answer, are you one of those bosses I have to agree with all

time or am I allowed to have my own opinion? Because if you need me to be a

man, I can do that, even though I tend to do better in environments where I can

freely speak my mind.

Speed away. Keep it. Thanks. Sorry, Finn, I will. You can't put ketchup on a

dog.

No, no. You can't put ketchup on a hot dog. It's disgusting.

No, it's not. It's completely normal. Sweetness of ketchup does not complement

the smoky flavor of a hot dog. It overpowers it. What you want there is

I like the way it tastes with ketchup.

That proves nothing.

Yeah, it does.

See you, Barney.

See you. Someone went to a five -star French restaurant and ordered

bouillabaisse, but they've been justified in pouring ketchup on it just

they liked it. That's ridiculous. You don't put ketchup on clams. Just like

don't put ketchup on a hot dog. You're assuming a conclusion.

What? You're assuming a conclusion and quit stalling. Which argument should we

use for Willie?

Okay, all things considered, I'd argue libel. He says he's not gay. He should

print in an ad that says he is. That's libel. Sounds good. Good luck. Good

You're going to be arguing for the injunction tomorrow.

What? Yeah, and I hope you don't get Judge Brummel. He could be a real

But, Ed... It's okay. It'll be a good chance for you to speak your mind

Ed,

how long have you owned Stucky Bowl?

Let's see, a little less than three years now.

You still can't bowl my week.

How much do you weigh, anyway?

Nice try.

I guess I'm safe in assuming it's more than 43.

Quite right.

I've got to get going. I've got to grade some papers.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, hey. Oh, hey, Frankie. Listen, I want you to meet someone. This is my

friend, Frankie Hector. Hi. Oh, hi.

Ed told me all about you.

Uh -oh. No, no, no. It's all good.

So, you just moved to town? Three weeks ago. Well, if you want a list of all the

hot spots, I could probably run them down for you in about, I don't know, 15

seconds. Thanks.

It's nice to meet you. You too.

See you later, Eddie.

Eddie?

I thought I'd shake it up a little.

Mission accomplished.

I've never actually been in a courtroom before. I saw you in a courtroom. But I

wasn't being a lawyer. But you've been in a courtroom. Yes, but as a spectator.

Listen, there's only one difference between being a spectator in a courtroom

being a lawyer in a courtroom. Where as a spectator sits and watches, a lawyer

actually has to do a bunch of stuff.

I don't find that explanation comforting.

See you tomorrow morning.

Come in.

Well, bless my soul, if it isn't my old sparring partner, Dr.

Burton. Come in, son. It's been much too long.

Boy, we really used to go at it like a couple of drunken monkeys, didn't we?

Well, it was all out of love.

Know what you're up to, Dr. Jerome? I saw Marty Sen.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

If you think you can get away with stealing my patients, you better think

Stealing your patients?

Dr. Burton, I'm shocked.

Shocked? Look, I didn't come here to play games, all right? You're not my

anymore. I don't have to take your abuse. Why don't you just back off and

earn my living?

All right, Dr. Burton, I'll tell you what.

What? I'll do whatever I want whenever I want, you thick -witted pelican. And if

you don't like it, you can either kiss my ass or write to your congressman.

choice. Now, vamoose!

Are

you

sure she knows what she's doing?

She looks like one of my horses right before it sticks up some bad oats.

She'll be fine. You're in good hands with her.

All rise.

Frank, I forgot to tell you something. What, what?

According to a recent survey of the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council, a

20 % of Americans chose ketchup as their favorite hot dog condiment.

You may be seated.

Miss Hector, you seek an injunction to stop Amanda Myers from publishing an ad

in the Stuckyville penny saver?

Yes, Your Honor, Mrs. Myers intends to print an ad stating, My client, Mr.

Harris, is gay. This is more than a simple untruth. This is libel. Now, if I

might anticipate Mr. Adams' objections, should he argue that my client is, in

fact, gay, I would demand concrete proof of Mr. Harris' participation in a

homosexual relationship, of which, by Mrs. Myers' own admission, Your Honor,

there is none. Should he object to my client's livelihood being damaged by the

ad, I would counter out that he works for a stable which services the most

conservative element of our community, who will, no doubt... Okay.

Thank you, Ms. Hector.

Judgment is for Mrs. Myers.

Thank you, Your Honor.

I'm sorry, what just happened?

I ruled against you.

With all due respect, Your Honor, I have a lot more to say.

Oh, I imagine you do. And I bet he's got some killer stuff of his own, so I

thought we'd kind of kick it back and forth for a little while, and then you

could go back to your chambers and reflect.

Not today.

Why not, Your Honor? Are your chambers being painted? The First Amendment, Miss

Hector. It stops guys like me from telling people what they can or cannot

in their panty savers.

All right, who's next?

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I blew it. I blew it. Why did you let me do that?

like you were right, Ed. It was worth a shot, but listen, there's practically no

way the judge was going to grant us that injunction.

Oh, hold on. What do you mean?

I just mean no judge would have, no matter what we said. We never had a

That's right. And you knew that all along? That's right. Do you realize what

just put me through?

Well, like I said, it was worth a shot. Besides which, you got your feet wet,

didn't you?

Yes, but I didn't really... You're not used to me without wet feet. Hello?

She's going to game me out.

We'll deal with it when it happens. At least this way we're on record with our

objection.

Hi,

Toby.

Oh, hi. Hey, Carol.

How you doing?

Uh, solid gold.

So, what brings you by? Uh, trouble with your paycheck?

No, I just came by to say hi. Purely social visit.

That's funny.

Look at that.

Out of Comptroll.

You like that? I picked that up at the Comptrollers convention down in South

Beach.

That's one crazy weekend, believe you me.

Oh, yeah?

I mean, just because we know how to add and subtract doesn't mean we don't know

how to drink alcohol and party.

And stuff.

That sounds like a good time. Oh, yeah.

Except two years ago, I got a really bad sunburn.

Gotta use sunscreen when you're at the beach.

Actually, I was just standing curbside at the airport waiting for Skycap to

me with my luggage.

Oh. Yeah, I was hospitalized briefly.

Oh, wow.

Wow. Well, um, Toby, I was wondering if you wanted

to...

Get together with me sometime, maybe Friday night.

Seriously?

Yeah, no big deal.

Yeah, okay.

All right.

Oh, you know, I can't do it this Friday night.

I've got something.

Oh, fine.

Some other time then.

No, no, you know what?

Why don't you come along?

What is it?

I want that to be a surprise.

Just come to my house at 8 p .m.

sharp.

Pretty lady.

You're in for the treat of your life.

I bet I am.

Phil?

Ah, the good doctor. Just the man I wanted to see.

Question. Uh -huh.

How long does medical school take?

About eight years. And is it particularly rigorous?

Yeah, it's really hard. Are you thinking of going to medical school, too?

Depends. Well, now, when you ask a chick, I mean, a patient, to drop trap,

got to do it, right? No questions asked. I mean, it's like a law, right?

Uh -huh.

Actually, I need to ask you a favor.

What? You need organs?

Lungs? Kidneys? Livers?

Gallbladder? Regular bladder?

Pancreas? Large intestines? Small intestine?

I don't need a baboon heart, Phil.

All right, you know what? Let's ask these three.

What's the point? It's completely irrelevant.

No, it's not. It's not irrelevant. Guys, we're taking a fall. What do you like

in your hot dogs?

Cheese and chili, baby. We're going to do it. Let's do it.

Phil? Last time I was in Chi -town, I acquired a taste for Frank's with

and onions. Oh, Chi -town?

He's a gangster.

What about you, Sharon?

Ketchup. Ha!

And sour cream. Ha!

You don't get a ha out of that. That's a total ha.

She did it! She did it!

They're all over town!

Oh, man, you should have told me. I would have introduced you to my cousin

Look a little like Lenny Kravitz. I'm not gay, Ed.

I want to sue her for everything she's got.

Calm down, Willie. I understand you're upset, but she's your sister. I don't

care. I wanted my pounds of flesh.

Besides, if I win in court, people will see the nonsense that it is.

So do you know Ellen DeGeneres?

I have to tell you, that is a gorgeous blouse. Who is that? Wait, don't tell

Marc Jacobs?

I don't know. I got it at TJ Maxx.

Yeah, I'd keep that quiet.

Sue, what are you in for?

Going through the change, I imagine?

I got bad feet.

Right.

Phil Stubbs?

That's me.

Good luck with the feet.

Dr. Drum.

Mr. Stubbs, what can I do for you today?

What? A mistake?

What do you mean you made a mistake?

What?

Oh, my God. Forever?

You mean I'm going to be like this forever?

No. Not everyone makes mistakes.

You make mistakes. Not everyone. You.

You crazy old loon.

Will you be paying cash for this visit, Mr. Stubbs, or shall I bill Dr. Burton

directly? I'd go with the latter.

Here's most of what you asked for, plus a few things you didn't. Thanks,

Frankie. That was fast.

So I gather you're planning to sue for invasion of privacy?

Yes, I am. What do you think? Is that our best shot?

Sure. Privacy's good. Big buzzword these days. Ought to resonate with the jury.

Frankie. Yes. Are you a parrot, a minor bird, or a cockatiel?

I'm none of their things.

Then how's about giving me your opinion instead of parroting, minor birding, or

cockatieling back my own?

I think privacy's going to be tough. We ought to stick with libel.

That's more like it. Look, this is going to be a long night. What do you say we

go get some grub before we get in too deep here? I'm in the mood for pasta.

That's what we call spaghetti.

What about Angel Hill? Skinny spaghetti.

Right.

Who is it?

It's Carol. Hi.

We didn't use the secret password.

It's Carol.

Bessie? Carol, welcome.

Sorry about that. Just wanted to make sure you weren't the cop. You know, what

with prohibition and all.

Come on in.

Welcome to the Juice Joint.

My very own speakeasy.

The year 1925.

The place, Chicago.

I got a bathtub full of gin and a Victrola that's ready to boogie.

Wow, I had no idea it was a costume party. I would have cobbled something

together. No need.

Your costume and your personal history.

Wow. And this is way better than some lame costume party.

It's a murder mystery party.

Oh, wow. I've never been to a murder mystery party. How does this work?

We mingle, asking each other probing questions about our characters, trying

scrounge up any info we can.

Eventually, someone dies.

At the end of the night, everyone gets who the murderer is.

Oh, that sounds like fun. You have no idea.

Come with me.

Do you miss New York?

Not yet. I mean, I love it there, but this is a nice change.

And how did it happen? Your boyfriend, what's his name, Larry, you just came

home one day and said, hey, honey, we're moving to Stuckyville. His name is

Leon, and yeah, pretty much.

And you were cool with that? I was. It was a great opportunity for him, and I

figured, what the heck, let's give small town living a try.

And what's Larry's name? Leon. What's Leon do exactly? You say he's an

architect? Yeah, he's from the water park about 20 miles from here.

Water park. What, you mean like water slides?

Yeah, that's his specialty.

Boyfriend's a water slide specialist.

Somebody has to be.

That's the coolest thing I've ever heard. I love water slides. Me too. Who

doesn't? Just one person. The guy's job is to stand on top of the slide all day

long and say, you can go.

Yeah, that's a tough gig.

Thanks, Scoop.

Hello, Mr. Clapone.

How's things?

Everything's Jake, old boy.

Everything's Jake.

So should you be here as a district attorney?

Who's the Sheba?

I'm not... Excuse me. Oh!

Miss Flapper meets Hal Clappone.

Hal Clappone. That's very cute. I miss Flapper.

Carol. Hi.

How's the panther sweat there, Smarty?

Panther sweat?

You drink.

Oh, the panther sweat is very tasty, very tasty. You need a Mac, Mac?

Mac's good. Okay.

How you guys all know each other?

Oh, I'm a comptroller over in Jasper Town.

Oh. Most of the guys here are comptrollers. Matter of fact.

See that guy back there? Yeah.

He's the best there is. Really?

And he knows it, too.

Oh. That he does?

Hmm.

Oh, my God. He's dead.

Ah, Appletop.

I think he's dead.

I saw your Sheba hair talking with him just a minute ago.

Oh, no, I was just watching. Oh, dry up, sister.

Quit beating your gums, Mac. You never liked him much anyways, did you? Go

yourself, you lousy two -dropper. You've had too much cough and varnish.

Excuse

me.

Hey. Any call about the wasps? Uh, no.

I got a call for this address requesting a T and B for a nest of yellow jackets.

What's a T and B? Tent and bomb.

Standard procedure.

We'll seal the lid on this place in half a day, then bomb it.

Where's the nest?

I think there's been a mistake. We don't have a yellow jacket problem. Hey, Mrs.

Jenkins, Alan.

Uh, right on time. Who's ready for a physical?

What's going on?

Oh, not much.

It's what's going on with you, you. Uh, how you been feeling?

Who are those men?

Team B check.

Standard procedure.

What?

We're dealing with wasps here, not bees.

Yellow jackets.

So, Alan, what about you? How's school been? You still pitching?

I think that man was talking to you. Him? Nah.

So who's ready? You want to go first, Mr. Jacobs?

We're going to go.

Oh, Mr. Jacobs, wait.

Come on, hey.

Alan, I mean...

Now, Mr. Harris, please, call me Willie.

I can't. We're on court, remember?

Oh, sorry. I've never been a witness before.

That's okay. You're doing great.

How? I watch a lot of court TV.

Uh -huh.

But that Winoni Ryder, she got a raw deal, don't you think?

Mr. Harris, how has your life changed since the publication of this ad?

I go, people ask me about it. And if they don't, they give me funny looks or

they whisper behind my back.

Suddenly, my personal business is everybody's business.

So you're a little uncomfortable, a little embarrassed, but that doesn't

you the right to restrict the free speech of your sister.

Why, sure it does. We're talking about my client's sexuality. Gosh, if that

isn't a private matter, I don't know what is. Then let me ask you this. Would

you say a person's alcoholism is a private matter?

Yes, I suppose so.

But what if, by making it public in the form of an intervention, you could force

him to confront his problem, maybe even save him from drinking himself to death?

Would that be worth the invasion of privacy?

Yeah, perhaps.

Then what about an embarrassing ad that just might save Willie Harris from a

lifetime of loneliness and misery?

That's a good point.

Care to respond?

Yeah, you know what? I think that's enough for now.

What? Well, I want to be fresh for tomorrow. Willie, why don't you go home

take a good solid eight hours?

Did I win? Yeah, you did great. We'll see you tomorrow.

Okie dokie.

99. Good night.

Well?

Nice work, Frankie. That intervention stuff was really strong.

So you've seen the light? You're going to drop the invasion of privacy thing?

No. But... I thought of it.

Big day tomorrow. Better get some sleep.

So how was the bash? Hey, tell me. Good.

So what was it exactly? A dinner party?

A kegger?

Scrabble night? What?

Actually, it was a murder mystery party. A murder mystery party? Yep. Set in a

1920s Chicago speakeasy.

You're kidding, right? Nope. Everybody was in full costume. They were talking

1920s slang. Oh, and the ball player was murdered by the gangster in the latrine

with a knife.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

It feels like a nightmare.

No, it wasn't that bad. I had fun.

Sort of.

Come on, honestly, you're going to tell me that you had fun at Toby Gibbons'

murder mystery party?

Okay, so maybe the Toby thing isn't going to work out after all.

So, yes.

He wants to have dinner.

Oh, he said I was so lovely that I would have brought Gatsby to his knees.

I thought this whole thing with Toby wasn't going to work out.

Well, there's not some huge spark between us yet. But then again, where

sparks ever get in me?

So are you going to have dinner with him?

Yes, I am. Because real relationships take time. You don't just meet somebody

and whammo, you're in love. I mean, these things need time to...

Develop. Grow.

Percolate. Thank you, Miss Winifred.

You're welcome, baby.

Miss Myers.

Hi. Why did you think you had the right to publicly embarrass your brother by

taking out this ad in the Stuckyville Penny Saver? I wasn't trying to

him. I was trying to help him.

It's nothing he should be ashamed about.

Help him. I see.

Tell me, when did your brother first come to you and tell you he was a

homosexual? He never told me he was a homosexual.

Never told you? Did you ask him?

Yes. Once, twice, lots of times?

A lot of times.

And he never told you?

He was in denial.

Was he in denial, Miss Myers, or was it simply possible that he thought his

sexuality was none of your business?

I thought it would be liberating for him.

Liberating. You knew full well that your brother wanted his sexuality to be kept

private, and yet you went ahead and decided to share it with all the

Stuckyville. Isn't that right?

There's nothing wrong with being a gay man.

Miss Myers, how many times a week do you have sexual intercourse?

Objection! Mr.

Stevens.

There's nothing wrong with having sexual intercourse. I think it would be

liberating for Miss Myers to tell everyone how often she has it. That's

ridiculous. It sure is.

Nothing further.

That wasn't awesome.

They continue to appear outraged now because the jury's still looking at me.

No, Carmela, no beans, I promise.

I know you have allergies.

It's okay.

Can I help you?

Dr. Burton, I just came by to check out the bees.

What do you want, Dr. Jerome? Oh, I just wanted to see how you were enjoying the

rath du jour. You should see what I have in store for you tomorrow.

Uh, that vent, does that lead to the outside?

Yeah, it could have scared me, Dr. Jerome.

I know, Dr.

Burton. I'm aware that inanimate objects don't feel fright.

For that, I'm better off taunting my footstool.

Oh, my God, are you crying?

No.

Oh, this is uncomfortable.

I'm not crying.

You know what?

Luckily for you, I'm feeling charitable at this moment.

That's right.

Now that I've crushed all your hopes and dreams into a fine powder, I must admit

that I feel almost guilty.

It's like I've snuck into the great city of the Simians, stolen all the golden

bananas, and bombed the place.

I feel an obligation to rebuild, or at least take my own monkey back home

What do you say, Chim Chim? Want to come home again?

What? I'm offering you your old job back.

Why?

You have 24 hours to make up your mind.

After that, my generosity dries up.

Mr. Harris, did you make it perfectly clear to your sister that you wanted

sexuality to remain private?

Oh, yes.

I begged her not to put the ad in the paper. I got down on my hands and knees,

literally.

I mean, right on the linoleum in her rec room.

Could you tell us what your life has been like since your sister took out

advertisement? Horrible.

People at work look at me funny. All my friends act weird around me. It's a

nightmare. That's all for now.

Mr. Harris, why are you so embarrassed to be gay?

I'm not gay.

I'm not gay.

If I was gay, I wouldn't be so embarrassed about it.

I mean, how many times do I have to tell you?

Your Honor, I move for immediate dismissal. If Mr. Harris isn't gay, then

his privacy being invaded here? Your Honor, whether or not Mr. Harris is gay

not relevant to this case. Now, if we were suing Ms. Myers for libel, then

absolutely, we could all sit around dissecting my client's sexuality in open

court for days, but we're not. We're suing for invasion of privacy. Now,

everyone's entitled to their secrets. They're entitled to their privacy. And,

course, public discussion of my client's sexuality, whatever that may be, that's

an invasion.

Motion for dismissal is denied, Mr. Adams. And no more questions about Mr.

Harris' sexual preferences.

So, uh, everything to your liking?

Oh, yes. It's delicious. Thank you.

Tater tots are great. Wow.

Pretty tasty, aren't they? Mm -hmm.

You know, it's my belief that when French fries go to sleep at night, they

of being tater tots.

It's good. It's good.

This is fun, isn't it?

Yes. Oh, I'm having a lovely time, Toby.

You know, sometimes I feel like I got all this stuff in my head.

Stuff I really want to share with someone.

Like that tater tot line.

Normally, I'd have to waste it on...

Like my mom or someone like that.

But having you here is great.

It's really great.

Yeah.

Yeah. Why don't we... Do you want to do something? Do you want to watch a movie?

Do you have any great videos?

I don't. Not really a movie guy.

Oh, you're not?

No, I don't really care for him.

I really want... Understood what all the fuss is about.

But I know what we can do. They're going to love this.

What is it? Come here.

Oh, Toby, you're a photographer.

Look closer.

Really get your nose in there.

It's a jigsaw puzzle.

That's what we aficionados call a 9K.

9 ,000 pieces.

No.

You've done this before, haven't you?

Not recently, no, but yes, I have done this, yeah. You're a natural.

Oh.

Wow.

Really starting to take shape. Yeah.

You know, I can't paint worth a darn, but for the ten -odd hours I'll spend on

this puzzle, I am Leonardo da Vinci.

That's why it's such a great hobby.

Yeah, totally.

Look at that smile.

So enigmatic.

That didn't sound right.

Enigmatic.

Carol, I know this is only our second date, but I would really, really

like to kiss you now if that's okay. Oh, I... I'm sorry, that was too forward.

Wasn't it?

Forget I asked.

Unless you're up for it.

No, I'm sorry.

Carol, can I kiss you? Oh, Toby.

You know what?

Forget I asked.

I think this is maybe not a good idea. Right. Well, you know, we'll just go

to the puzzle.

I mean you and me.

Oh.

Look.

Don't get me wrong, I think you're a really great guy, I do, but I'm not sure

that we're connecting.

Right. I was thinking the same thing, too, actually.

Truth is, I usually date brunettes, but, you know, you seem like a nice kid, so

I thought I'd give you a whirl, but it ain't happening, so... Thank

you for trying.

Yeah. Yeah.

I should go.

I'll walk you out.

Mr. Stevens has been telling you that my client infringed on her brother's right

to privacy.

And you know what?

It's got a point.

I mean, we all have got the right to privacy.

But the thing is, ladies and gentlemen, that some rights are more important than

others. like the right to intervene to help a loved one.

Some years ago, a cousin of mine was drinking himself to death.

And though he was hurting no one but himself, we as a family decided to just

a stop to it.

So we got together a bunch of his friends and we staged an intervention.

Was he embarrassed?

I bet he was.

But he got over it. And last June, he celebrated his eighth year.

of sobriety.

So, did we violate his right to privacy?

Maybe.

But, was it the right thing to do?

Absolutely.

Thank you.

Mr. Stevens?

Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen, if I were crossing a bridge and I saw a guy

about to jump off, I would try to save him.

Even if I had to tackle him and break his arm to do so. And I doubt there's a

court in the land that would convict me of assault.

But,

Now, what if I were to break the arm of a guy who's eaten too much cake for

dessert?

Then I got a problem, right?

No, Mr. Adams was right to do whatever it took to save his cousin's life. Mr.

Harris isn't dying.

He's just a guy I'd rather keep quiet about his sex life. And maybe his sister

meant to help him, but she went too far.

Way too far.

Thank you.

Come in. Ah, gargantua returns.

I passed by your office this morning, Dr. Jerome, and I noticed something very

interesting. What's that, Senior Alunkhead?

Well, the office is closed.

Sign said you wouldn't be until noon, and you're not closed on Fridays?

So what?

You haven't come back on office hours even a single day since I've known you.

Are we done here, Dr. Burton? I know you may find it hard to relate to this, but

I have patients to treat.

And then I realized why you're trying to put me out of business.

You want me to come back?

No, you need me to come back.

You're hallucinating.

Look, you got all the patients in the world, but you're getting a little too

to treat them.

I got all the energy in the world, but no patients.

We need each other, Dr. Jerome.

I'll come back if you want me to come back.

Not to work for you, but as an equal partner.

It's your call right now. One time only offer.

All right, then, partner.

I won't call you then.

Is it good that the jury's back so soon?

It's neither good nor bad. It just means someone kicked ass.

Was it us? Was it us that kicked ass? I'm about to find out.

Has the jury reached a verdict?

Yes, Your Honor.

What say you?

We, the jury, find in favor of the plaintiff, Willie Harris.

For what amount?

No dollar amount, Your Honor.

We rule that Mrs. Myers must run a full -page ad on the cover of the penny

saver, admitting her guilt and apologizing to Mr. Harris.

Very well, then.

Court adjourned.

I just needed to get you your pound of flesh.

Oh, no, this is better. This is enough.

Thanks, Ed. You're welcome, Willie.

Thanks, Frankie.

You're welcome, Mom.

There must be something wrong with me. Okay.

I don't know what's with you. You know, you went out with Toby. You tried to

make it work. So what is wrong with you?

Mom, I'm telling you, I gave it my all. I did everything in my power to make

myself like him, but I just couldn't fall for a nice guy. He's too nice.

Yeah.

You're being crazy.

No, I'm not.

It's like all these years with Nick and Dennis have taught me nothing. I'm

doomed. Not doomed.

Oh, my head's up.

Hey. Oh, hi, Matt.

Hey.

Listen, I don't know where your head was at the other day, but... Oh, I'm sorry.

I was in a really bad mood. I shouldn't have been so rude to you.

Then here's a chance to make it up to me.

Um, let me take you out to dinner.

I can't.

I'm sorry. Thank you.

Whatever. I'll see you around.

What?

No. If you were really doomed, you would have said yes.

Frankie, what are you doing here?

I'm here to say I'm sorry.

When you're wrong, you're wrong, and I was mega wrong, and I'm mega sorry.

Mega sorry for what?

If you would let me talk you out of your strategy, we would have lost the case.

Oh, let's do it my way, because I've been a lawyer for six whole months. I

way out of line, and if you were to fire me right now, I would totally

understand.

Frankie, did you hear my closing argument?

Oh, yeah. It was brilliant.

So why didn't I use it at the practice trial? I don't know.

Because I didn't have it at the practice trial. You stumped me.

So? I went home, and I racked my brain for a response.

And without that, we would have got creamed at the close. Do I fire you? No,

don't think so. I think I should promote you, of course. Then we'd be on the

same level, and we can't have that now, can we? Yes, not.

Well, I will do.

However, let's treat you to hot dog.

Okay. Okay.

Mustard for you.

Thank you.

And for me.

Do you like Clint Eastwood? I love Clint Eastwood. You like Dirty Harry?

I love Dirty Harry.

What follows is a direct quote from Dirty Harry in the movie Threatened

The crime, the apathy, people being thrown off third story floors, old

getting their heads bashed in for their social security checks. That doesn't

bother me at all. You want to know what bothers me? Want to know what makes me

sick to my stomach? It's watching you stuff your face with those hot dogs. I

mean, nobody, nobody puts ketchup on a hot dog.

Yeah.

This is going to be good. You're damn right it is. You're about to taste your

first real hot dog.

Not the hot dog.

This.

Pretty good.

Pretty good.

Homage to Clint.