All language subtitles for Ed s03e11 Frankie

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I'm not even cracking a smile. Not even
cracking a smile. Am I enjoying myself?

No, Mike, not cracking a smile. You know
why? Because you're not eight?

Because the comic section sucks now.

It's stale. Things have gotten stale.
Take Palumi, for instance.

I thought they were going to shake
things up when she opened up her own

shop, but no.

Here she is watching Dagwood eat another
giant sandwich. All right, I got

something to cheer you up. What's that?
It's an old classic.

Ten bucks if you chatter that guy.

Come on, Mike. We're not in high school
anymore.

Ten bucks, Edward.

What? Want me to chatter the guy? I'll
chatter the guy.

What the hell is your problem?

Good question, good question. Everybody
ask, everybody ask.

Curious, curious.

You're having your own napkin, your own
napkin. You're all pushed off with a

napkin. Move that counter. That's it,
everybody eats. Everybody eats for your

own counter. Let's go, let's go, let's
go. Everybody eats, everybody eats.

Everybody stares.

Everyone's angry.

the sky tonight there I can keep by

your side watching the wide world riot

and hiding out I'll be coming home next
year

Almost there, almost there.

That's it.

I drilled three perfect bowling ball
holes this morning. How many other

can say that?

May I?

What?

There's a family here in need of legal
assistance.

Fine. What's all my holes?

Two are serviceable.

One is an insult to the art form.

Which one?

If you need to ask, then you will never
know.

Oh, Mr. Stevens.

Hi. Oh, sorry, my hands are dirty. I'm
drilling and pulling.

Plus, never mind.

I'm Steve Bryan.

This is my wife, Kay. Hi, nice to meet
you. This is our son, Tim. Hi, Tim. Hi.

We need a lawyer.

Yeah, I can see that. Tim's on the
football team over at Jasper Town.

Quarterback. He threw for 824 yards last
season.

Mom. I can't be proud of my son.

You're a badass.

What can I do for you folks?

Two weeks ago, the Knights were playing
against Duckyville.

Tim was the starter. My boy launches a
beautiful spiral.

Incomplete. The play's blown dead.

That's the thing I know. This kid John
Halpern's got him by the face, man.

Slammed him to the ground like mankind
going after Triple H.

And this happened after the whistle, you
say?

I could have gone home and made
flapjacks between the time that ref blew

whistle and that kid laid into my son.

Oh, strained ligaments in the neck, torn
muscle in the upper back, disc damage.

This kid did a number on you, huh?

Medical bills are killing us.

Doctors say he's got to have physical
therapy, expensive physical therapy, for

several months if he's going to get a
shot at a football scholarship.

We just don't feel that we should have
to pay this all by ourselves.

I understand.

If you think this was a rough game and
you're bound to get injured sooner or

later, so this wasn't part of the game.

Helper hates my guts because I'm going
out with his ex -girlfriend.

So you think this was revenge?

I'm nodding.

Right. I want to go over a few of the
topics you'll be faced with post

I already gave Mark a list of possible
side effects.

Yeah, I committed it all to memory.

Blood clotting and stomach acid leakage
were my favorites.

These are serious stuff.

Sorry, Dr. Burton, but I find the
hungrier I am, the more I need to make

it with bitter sarcasm. I also want to
talk about what you can expect in terms

of caloric intake after the operation.

For the first two weeks, you'll eat only
pureed food mixed with water or broth.

The baby food phase.

That's correct.

And gradually, we'll introduce soft
solids.

Soft -cooked eggs, pasta, melted
cheeses. Fine, but what about the main

I mean, when am I going to be able to
enjoy a nice cut of prime rib?

That's going to take a while.

In a few months, you might be able to
enjoy a bite or two of steak.

A bite or two?

After the operation, you're only going
to be able to eat about 400 calories a

day.

How many calories am I used to eating?

6 ,000.

You're not telling me I'm going to have
to go from eating 6 ,000 calories a day

to eating 400?

Yep. My gerbil eats more than that. I
mean, how is that even possible? Vitamin

supplements. Your appetite will be so
diminished, you won't even really want

eat. You'll see.

Your Honor, I want to show you
something.

Let's call this Exhibit A, shall we? You
know how I got this?

The bottom of a pileup trying to recover
a fumble. I was 17. It was a big game.

Just had to die for that ball. Didn't
even cross my mind that there'd be two,

count them, two football teams on top of
me.

That's what happens when you play sport
like football. Who doesn't have a scar

or two from the glory days on the field?

This is nothing more than a sports
injury. A bad one, I know. But it

the field during a game.

There's no case here.

Thank you.

Mr. Stevens?

Tim Ryan was a star quarterback for the
Jasper Town Knights. Last season, he

threw for over 800 yards, 27 touchdowns.

Scholarship to a top -notch college was
a lock. And then John Hopper came along

and ruined all that. Now, why?

Mr. Hopper assaulted Tim because he was
jealous over a girl.

This could have happened after school.
It could have happened in a parking lot.

It could have happened at the mall. This
time, it happened on a football field.

Does that make it any less of a crime,
though?

I don't think so.

Thank you.

Defense motion for summary judgment is
denied. We'll hear our first witness on

the 22nd.

In a world where up is down and black

is white, 1 ,000 students and 37
teachers have been trapped together on a

planet known only as Duckyville High.

At a time when the mock trial team is
qualified for state, French Club is

meeting for baguettes and cheese at 30,
and the girls' volleyball team has a

game tonight at Jasper Town.

Sometimes you just have to ask yourself,
am I in a public high school or on a

hedonistic spa vacation?

All righty, that's getting old fast.

And now it's time for the old MVB award.

This week's most valuable bonehead award
goes to that special little lady who

not only had the brains to lock herself
out of the car, but who locked herself

out of the car while it was still
running.

Congratulations, Miss Bessie. You are
this week's most valuable bonehead.

Oh, Miss Hudson got you so good.

Play it just got played.

Excuse me. Mr. Stevens!

Hi.

Wow. You were really great back there.
Thanks.

Frankie Hector.

Nice to meet you, Frankie Hector. So,
I'm a lawyer, too. Oh, really?

Really. I mean, I haven't actually
practiced yet, but I just graduated from

school, passed the bar, and I'm raring
to go. Oh, where'd you go to law school?

NYU. My boyfriend and I moved to
Stuckyville last week. That's great.

great. Well, good luck, Frankie.

You see, Mr. Stevens, I don't just
happen to be in the courthouse today by

chance. Okay.

I'd heard about the sensational
attorney, Edward J. Stevens, and so I

check him out.

Turns out my sources were correct. You
are, in fact, sensational, and I would

like to offer up my services.

Exactly what kind of services are you
referring to? I want to work for you,

Stevens. I want to be an attorney at law
at Stuckyville's finest firm.

Well, that's very flattering, Frankie,
but I'm not hiring.

Don't you want to look at my resume,
interview me, maybe take some time to

consider it? There's really just no
point, but welcome to Stuckyville. I'm

you'd do great here.

I've never seen you like this before.

Well, my grandparents are from Russia.
We're a world weary people. Read Chekhov

or Tolstoy. Only one of your
grandparents is Russian. So, I enjoy the

embellishment for dramatic effect. Is
that a crime?

You saw Dr.

Pillow, though.

Yeah. Well, did he have bad news or
something? Where's that, Tiger Lilies?

Down, Cheswick. Oh, good morning to you
too, Krabby. To answer your question,

Diane, I had a great check. I go under
the knife next Thursday.

Well, I don't get it. I thought you were
looking forward to becoming mini -Mark.

Yeah, me too, but apparently after the
operation, I'll be lucky if I can keep

down a scrambled egg. And don't even get
me started on the toast, bacon, and

hash browns. Yeah, well, I said that's a
good thing.

You don't get it. I'm a gourmand.
Nothing moves me like a fine risotto or

larage. Do you know anyone else who
Peebo's the Food Network? That's a good

point. Food gives the world color to me.
After the operation, everything will be

black and white. Hey, Raging Bulls in
black and white? That's a great film.

Okay. What would you say your greatest
pleasure is, Cheswick?

Girls? Girls, women, ladies, yeah,
anything else.

Just imagine how you'd feel if you had
to undergo an operation that would take

away your libido.

Forever.

Now, Tim, how long had you been dating
Chloe Hansen at the time of the

About a week. A week. And how long did
John Hopper and Chloe go out?

Here's the information you wanted, Mr.
Stevens.

Right, there it is. The most pertinent
information's at the top. Other relevant

material is at the bottom.

Can I get anyone some coffee?

No, no, that's fine, Miss Hector. We're
all good here. All right.

I'll be in my office if you need me.

Good day.

I could use the chai latte.

I hate to admit it, but your
announcement was mildly amusing.

Mildly the funniest thing ever.

Four hours.

Yes, we've established that now. Hey, if
you guys are going to do something as

glaringly defiant as playing hacky -tack
in the halls, at least better invite me

in. Come on.

All right, listen.

on, you wacky hacky -sackers.

That was impressive.

You're such a woman of the people.

Yeah, well, I am trying to be the
coolest principal in the history of the

Oh, oh, wow, look at that. Principal
Hudson. The photo remains pristine.

Remember, Genesis had horns on it by the
end of the first day. Well, if I recall

correctly, I think he liked it that way.

Remember old Mr. Tingley?

Yeah, yeah, every year, with the afro
and the Hitler mustache on. He was a

little dictator, wasn't he?

How long do you think it'll be for you?

Oh, ye of little faith.

Just because the two of you know that
I'm not cool doesn't mean I have to.

Look at this, Mike.

She compiled every court case where
legal action was taken against athletes

violent behavior on the field of play.
Every one.

Do you remember what she did if you
actually hired her? That's amazing. Oh,

at this. Dino Cicero. Remember him, the
pro hockey player? The guy who got

arrested for picking up the morning
paper in the nude?

Yeah. The guy who was too lazy to
actually put on any clothing? You got to

respect that. Well, he was also
convicted in jail for slashing a guy

stick during a game. I don't respect
that.

And then there's State v. Forbes,
Hackford v. Cincinnati Bengals, Tom

v. California Sports. The list goes on
and on. It's amazing.

When are you supposed to even as v.
Burton will join the list?

Why would I ever sue you, Mike?

The way I use you on the basketball
court, a man can only take so much.

The way you... No, no, no, no, please.

I live inside your head. I own you. I
rule you. You're but a mere servant. Ed

Stevens beat them.

Hey, Ed.

What?

Hire Frankie.

This girl's good.

Yeah, she is.

Cheswick. Yes?

What are you doing?

Just checking the tranny fluid.

Well, the engine has to be on, you know.

Yeah, I know that.

I was just calibrating the dipstick.

I've been thinking.

Yeah, it's kind of your shtick, isn't
it? I want to do something special for

Mark before surgery.

My God, are you going to give him your
flower?

I want to cook him dinner.

All right, that's cool, too. You saw how
he was. I think you and I should...

Cook something really special for him.
Kind of like a going away party for his

stomach. Yeah. Yeah, cool.

What do you want to cook him? Let's make
him his favorite food ever. Okay.

His favorite food ever.

Did you get my message?

When you left on the scoreboard? Yeah,
I'm not great with the whole phone

so I hope it's okay if we communicate
via overhead bowling scoreboard. Yeah,

that shouldn't be a problem. Oh, I
forgot one thing. What's that?

Regina versus Mackey in 1969. More pro
hockey players who assaulted each other

with their sticks.

Right, yeah, right.

You've probably done all the research
anyway.

Thank you. Thank you for the research.
It helped a lot. You're welcome. But

there's still no job.

That's fine. I just want to go to lunch.
And what are we going to talk about at

lunch? You giving me a job? There's no
job. Kidding. We can talk about other

stuff. My salary, hours, benefits.
Seriously, Frankie, there's no job.

Well... In that case, I need something
to eat. There's no towel.

Fine, but we're talking about lunch, Ed.

Lunch. There's... All right.

What do you like, boss?

I... Well, I didn't mean it like, what
do you like, employer, man. I meant it

like, what do you like, Pally?

Or Guy?

Friends?

What do you like, Brooke?

So, I was watching the show on A &E last
night. It was about this guy, um, Karl

Warnowski. Oh, yeah. Yeah, lived in
Kansas City.

Ate a bunch of people. Never heard of
him. Oh, she was huge. Yeah, he really

up the numbers. Anyway, whatever.

He's about to go to the electric chair,
and you know what he requests for his

last meal? What?

Chicken nuggets and tater tots.

So,

the man liked his nuggets and taters.
This guy was the cannibal of Kansas

Is that what you picked?

Of course not.

What would your last meal be, then?

Hmm, man.

My last meal on earth, huh?

Well, I guess I'd start off with some
Canadian sturgeon caviar and scallops,

pants seared in a chai beurre blanc.

Let me see, maybe brie on hazelnut
bread. And then a nice soup, like a

turkey rice perlou, or maybe
huitlacoche.

It's a soup made of corn fungus. It's
South American.

Let's see, then something light.

Squid strings in pesto. It's as tasty as
it sounds gross.

We want something with a pronounced
mouthfeel, something creamy.

How about some fettuccine alfredo? Ah,
the palate of a little rascal, Cheswick.

I'm thinking creamy lima bean gratin and
then a risotto. A risotto with white

truffles. White truffles? The diamond at
the table. You might as well scrap the

whole meal without it.

So, is that it? Maybe throw in some
spinach artichoke dip from TGI Fridays.

Guilty pleasure.

What to eat?

What to eat? What to eat?

I highly recommend the BLT.

What's so special about the BLT? You may
not be aware of this, but frying bacon

is an exact science, and the cook here
has mastered the perfect level of bacon

crispness. Oh, how do you know I share
the same definition of perfect level of

bacon crispness as you? I have my ways.

Ready to order?

I'll have the BLT, please.

Well, I'm not crazy.

BLT as well, please.

Coming right up.

So what brings you to Stuckyville? My
boyfriend Leon is an architect.

A friend of his has a firm hair, asked
Leon to come aboard as partner, so here

we are.

Architectural firm. Mitchell and West?
Soon to be Mitchell and Robert.

What happened to West? Went nuts, moved
to Aruba. He's the captain of a glass

-bottomed boat now.

Nice.

Ed, do you know anything about hens,
loaves, sparrows?

Sparrows? No, I'm not really a bird guy.
Really?

Totally had you pegged as a bird guy.

You did?

Anyway, back to the hens, loaves.

They warble, the most amazing song. But
if there's only one of them, you can

barely hear it. Put two hens, loaves
together, the volume increases

exponentially. Suddenly, it's like
there's a hundred of them.

Thank you, Frankie.

That's a nice metaphor. The fact remains
I'm not hiring.

Okay. Whatever.

Now you don't want the job?

Oh, no, no. I want it. I'm just not
asking anymore.

I've changed my tack. From now on, I'm
playing hard to get.

Sneaky. I think so.

Well, obviously everyone's not here, but
we've got a lot to cover, so why don't

we just get started anyhow?

On Tuesday... Hi, John.

Have a seat.

Man's struggle against nature.

Santiago's battle against this giant
fish.

Hello?

Anyway, what does Santiago mean when he
says man is not made for defeat? He can

be destroyed, yes, but not defeated.

What are you up to?

Just rethinking my wall space.

Oh, no offense, but Dennis had the
interior decorating sensibility of a

No.

Hey, Miles, listen.

Why are my juniors coming in late to
class?

Which class?

The one right after lunch.

I feel like I'm running a youth hostel
in Amsterdam. People just wandering in

whenever they feel like it. I gave the
juniors off -campus lunch privileges.

You did? That's not just a senior perk
anymore?

Well, the... 16, you know, they've
officially entered young adulthood.

reasonable. It does, yes, but the
problem is they're not actually making

to class in time.

I had to wait 15 minutes, Dave, before I
had enough students to even start

class. That's not counting all the
disruptions I had to put up with as they

wander in. There you go. I only got
through half my lesson plan. That puts

behind for the whole week. All right,
I'll take care of it.

Thank you.

Boob fighters.

Nice. Where's it written that a
principal can't like cool music?

Huh.

Coach Cooper, are they in there?

I'm telling you, nothing happened on
that field that I don't see every day,

twice on Sundays.

Coach, I just want to ask him a few
questions, that's all.

He didn't play football, did he,
Stevens?

No, not really. Flag.

All right, listen up, guys. This is Mr.
Stevens. He's a lawyer.

He's going to ask you a few questions.
It won't take long.

Okay. Well, hey.

Hey, guys. How are you?

How you doing?

I'm sure by now you all know what this
is about.

A couple weeks ago, the quarterback of
the Jasper Town Knights was hurt pretty

bad in a game by one of our guys. What
we're trying to find out is whether it

was purely an accident, which may very
well have been, or whether there was

something more to it.

Okay, so I'm going to ask a few
questions, and if you've got any answers

anybody else has anything at all that
they'd like to add, then please feel

to speak up.

Okay, great. So who was closest to the
players in question when the whole thing

went down?

Anybody see anything at all?

All right, well, maybe something was
said after the tackle, fellas? Like, was

there any kind of hostility that you
sensed on behalf of the players? Maybe

there's some trash talking to John or
obscenities or that kind of thing?

Maybe a quick game of patty cake broke
out?

All right, well, yeah.

I don't know if Coach Kerwin mentioned
this, but I'm not the devil.

Sometimes a little confusion about that.

No, I'm just trying to figure out why a
guy, after the play has ended, would

grab another guy by the face mask and
throw him brutally to the ground.

it seems kind of odd to me.

Apparently that's just me.

Okay, fellas.

It's been very helpful.

See? Like I told you, just a typical
hit, a typical game.

Nothing more.

Is what happened to Tim Ryan, the face
masking, the throwing to the ground, is

that a rare occurrence in football?

It happens all the time.

Really? How often?

Oh, probably once a week. Somebody gets
laid out pretty good.

Yesterday at practice, John Fish popped
Steve Gomez like a bottle of Kendall

Jackson. Caught him admiring one of his
own passes. Boom!

God, that kid is still picking dirt out
of his teeth.

Yeah, you don't see him getting all
lawyered up.

But wasn't the hit on Tim Ryan a
particularly vicious tackle, Coach

No, not particularly, no.

No, look, look.

Football ain't exactly ice dancing,
okay? It is a rough, fast sport.

are made quickly and instinctually. It's
the nature of the game.

Unlike I, Stancy.

Well, thank you. No further questions.

All righty, all eyes up here.

Billy, remember, it's chew, breathe,
chew, chew, breathe, chew. That's it.

it flow.

Very nice. Thank you. Okay.

Here's the thing.

In return for me letting you eat here, I
need something from all of you.

No more showing up to class late. It
ends today.

on this whole thing.

All those in favor of eating out having
to show up to class on time saying

Principal Hudson is really smart and hot
and the best ever. Principal Hudson is

really smart and hot and the best ever.

That's what I thought.

How's it going over there?

Oh, fine.

I just have a question.

How are we ever going to find H?

with the tentacles removed and reserved
for another use.

In the same way, we will find dirty
turkey rice per little.

Yeah, and not to jump too far ahead into
the future here, but when and if we do

find this stuff, how are we going to
cook it?

What's up?

Eli. Wait a minute.

Are y 'all two creeping behind Big Moc's
back? We're trying to put together a

dinner. We're trying to, you know, give
him a last meal.

He's having a little work done.

Yeah, I heard. Y 'all have some fancy
-ass stuff here, man.

Oh, screw.

You know, maybe I can help you. I used
to own a restaurant.

You know someone who can cook these
kinds of things?

I know the greatest chef in the world.
He can cook anything.

Just out of curiosity, what kind of
restaurant are you in?

A fish and chips.

Ah, a fish and chips. I see.

All right.

No, no, no, no, no. Please. We would
appreciate any help you could give us.

I'll do it for you.

Adisa, yo, what's up, man?

Yo, yeah, it's me, Eli, dude. Yeah, how
you doing, man? Everything good with

you? Hey, listen, man, look, my friends
here are preparing a special meal for a

friend, and they got some real tough
ingredients here. They need a chef,

Wait a minute, no, I know I didn't hear
you right. I know I didn't hear you

right. Dude, come on, man. I got to have
heard you wrong just now.

Your girl wants you to take her to
Hershey, Pennsylvania.

You got to go to Hershey, Pennsylvania.

Now, I'm not mad, man.

No, I'm livid, dude.

I'm the Krakatoa volcano ready to
explode.

I'm sorry, too. Yeah, you know what? Go
to Hershey. Have a good time, because

you know why? The party here is over.

Right, yeah, whatever.

How'd that go?

Look, don't worry about it, man. Look,
I'll do it, man. Give me a hand.

You? Yeah, me. Who do you think did the
cooking when Adisa didn't show up?

You got it.

Yeah, yeah.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I'm ready to do the pesto right now. I'm
feeling it.

Don't worry about it. I'll tell you
what.

Meet me at the food festival.

Fancy gourmet store.

Right upstairs at Elwood.

All right? Thank you. All right.

He's feeling pesto?

Mr. Hopper, is what you did to Tim Ryan,
is that a routine kind of thing?

No.

Facts are usually a little more intense.

You know, you get a clear shot at the
QB.

You get pumped.

Pumped. I see.

And when you get pumped, you tend to
grab other players by the face mask,

them brutally to the ground.

Objection. Leading.

Stained. Withdrawn, Your Honor. How long
do you and Chloe Hanson go out?

About a year.

Objection. Relevant.

I'm getting there. You better.

Overruled.

When did she break up with you?

Six weeks ago. And I wouldn't exactly
say she broke up with me. I mean, maybe

she said the words, but we both knew it
was over.

Uh -huh.

I see.

When did Tim and Chloe start dating?
You're aware they're dating, right?

Yeah. So?

So. Doesn't bother you?

No.

Girl dumps you for another guy and you
don't care.

Actually, didn't you blindside Tim Ryan
in the most unsportsmanlike way possible

to get back into being your girlfriend?

Objection! Withdrawn.

Nothing further.

Have you ever been tackled by the face
mask really hard after the whistle?

Lots of times.

And you never sued?

No. It's just part of the game.

It's just part of the game.

Nothing further.

I just came from marching band practice.
I wore a little tassel hat.

I beat the drum. I had so much fun.
Sounds like a hoot.

Hey, Mom. Oh, hey, Eugene.

Hey, Paul. How's my trial going?

Listen, let's make a deal. You guys beat
Edgewood High, and I will make sure the

cheerleaders show up to all the trials
for the rest of the year.

Balls, I need your full attention.

Okay, you have my attention. Right,
right now.

What's up?

The juniors still aren't making it back
to class in time. Really? What do you

mean? I mean the juniors aren't getting
back to their classes on time.

Okay. Okay, maybe that's true, but did
you ever think there might be some other

factors at work here? I mean, maybe
they're being held up by something

entirely... Molly, it's becoming a real
problem.

Yeah, Miles, you've got to do something
about it. It's getting out of hand.

Of course.

I'll take care of it right away.

Good.

This is Principal Hudson. I'd like to
announce that I am revoking junior lunch

privileges. Any junior caught off campus
at lunch, or any other time for that

matter, will, after the first offense,
receive two hours of detention.

The second offense will merit an out -of
-school suspension.

I have faith that this will cease to be
an issue.

Thank you for your time.

What do you think happens if a bear
doesn't hibernate? What, do you think

like cranky for the next six months?

Hey, ladies.

Hey, Frankie. Frankie, this is Mike. Hi.
Nice to meet you. Oh, nice to meet you.

All right, Frankie.

What's in the envelope?

A valuable piece of information that
will be enormously helpful to your case.

Is that all? That's all. May I see it
then? Gosh, I don't know about that.

maybe if I give you a job, then you'll
give me the envelope. Now you're

learning. I'm not going to hide it. Are
you sure? Because the envelope really

needs opening.

Oh, I'm sure. This is a one -time deal,
Ed. No, thanks, Frankie.

You're lost.

Okay.

I don't know. Maybe you should hire her.
What?

No, no. Listen, if she's a real
lawyer...

And she really has information that's
pertinent to this case.

She'd tell me, you know, whether I hire
her or not.

Basic ethics.

I guess.

I think bears have, like, super long
dreams when they hibernate.

What's with the bear questions?

It's a mysterious universe, Edward, and
I, uh... I'm a curious man.

What about the lamb?

Oh, the lamb won't be a problem as long
as we're careful with the seasoning.

You know what I find perfect for
seasoning? I like to take whichever cut

I use, put it in a bag with the proper
seasoning, and then shake it. We're

spreading the seasonings evenly before
baking.

Excuse me, sir.

Yes, how can I help you? Yes, I need
some squid.

Right over here.

Dude, you call that squid?

Yo, these things are messed up.

They look like baby spiders covered in
jello. We stand by our squid.

Sir, I'm sitting by your squid.

Them things look awful. They're all
messed up.

Dude, I'm looking for squid that have
clear eyes. These things have the eyes

an old wino.

This is all we have.

Come on, don't play me. This is Eli,
baby. I know you got him. You got him

tucked around the back for them fancy
restaurants.

I don't believe we do.

I can't believe he's playing me like
this. You know, how about I had a better

business bureau come up in here? You
know, the BBB? Or better yet, the NAACP.

Oh, no, no, no. You know, I'll do one
better. I'll bust out the NAACP on your

ass. And triple ACP? Yes, and that's
something you don't want to see. So why

don't you go ahead back there and give
me the good stuff.

Now that's what I'm talking about.

This is the real squid I want. Now we
have everything but the truffles. Oh

let me take care of that.

White truffles, to be exact. Where am I
finding those?

White truffles. We're out.

Dude, you want me to call the FBI on
you, chump? What's up?

No, no, no, no, no. I couldn't tell in
his eyes. He's not lying.

You can come back in a few days.

No, we need him by tomorrow. Is there
anywhere else we can go?

Not around here.

If you're looking for truffles by
tomorrow, you'd be better off getting a

and rooting them out of the ground
yourselves.

Yeah, what, like pigs find truffles?

Yeah. They can smell them in the woods.

What's happening?

I'm laughing because I have a cousin
named George who has a pig.

Oh, I think he's got something.

Oh, I think he's got something.

You know, Warren, I really don't
appreciate this. Don't appreciate what?

You only come by when you need
something.

Oh, come on, George. That's not true.

Last time it was my air compressor. Now
it's my pig.

We're cousins, man.

We used to take baths together.

Easy, man.

Come on, give me something.

Roots!

Roots! I think they have to be bred for
that.

Hank's a house pig, aren't you, Hank?

Come on, Hank.

Come on, buddy. You were put here for
one reason and one reason alone.

To root out truffles.

Now, come on. Give me something.

Roots, damn you! Oh, this is so stupid.
There are no truffles in Suckyville. If

there were truffles here, there'd be a
truffle factory.

The ones that Mark wants are only found
in Italy.

Italy?

Like, Italy, Italy?

That one.

Did you guys ever do anything crazy over
someone?

You mean like by a bowling alley?

Ouch. No, like in high school. Did you
ever do anything out of jealousy? Thank

you. I think I can safely say I've never
face masked anyone.

Me neither. When Mike and I first
started dating...

I cut a 10th grade girlfriend's head out
of all their pictures and I taped mine

in their plate.

That's just scary now as a boy's then.

What the?

Why, it's got my name on it.

Is that the letter from my cute little
lawyer chick?

What does it say?

Question. Who spends a lot of time with
the football team but hates the football

team? Holy touchdown, Batman.

Riddler quacks again.

Answer on back.

Could you please state your name for the
court?

Wesley Stout.

Mr. Stout, could you please tell us your
position on the Stuckeyville High

football team?

I'm the equipment manager.

And that would entail?

Managing the equipment and whatnot.

Now, were you in the locker room the
night the Stuckeyville Toyotas took on

Jasper Town Knights?

Yeah, I was there.

Was John Hopper there as well?

Yes. And what was his frame of mind?

He was pretty fired up for this game.

For this game? Why this game?

He had a thing for Tim Ryan.

Thing? What kind of thing?

He said he was going to bust Ryan up for
snaking his boo.

Objection! Your Honor, snaking his boo,
that's not even English.

Sustained. Mr. Stout, could you please
translate that for those of us born

before 1987?

Said he was going to hurt Tim Ryan for
stealing his girlfriend.

Thank you, Wesley.

Nothing further.

you two. Keep your hands where I can see
them.

Chadley and Bradley.

How's it going? Hey, Chad.

Do you mind if I call you Chadley when
you're with Bradley?

Yeah, whatever.

Terry! Hey!

Are you excited for the Model UN
Converse this weekend? I guess. It's

exciting. Sure.

I'd like to begin by complimenting Mr.
Stevens on a remarkable job.

Why? He's managed to prove beyond a
reasonable doubt that the defendant,

Halper, doesn't like Tim Ryan.

Can you imagine that? A player on one
football team disliking a player on

another football team.

Now, Tim Ryan got hit by John Halper,
and he got hit hard.

Was it a dirty tackle? Yes.

Was he penalized for it to the fullest
extent of the rules? Should he be

as a criminal for it for the rest of his
life?

Don't be ridiculous.

To quote Coach Kerwin, football isn't
ice dancing.

Mr. Stevens?

I wish I had a dollar for every time the
defense reminded us football's not ice

dancing, because if you're like me,
you're always confusing the two of them.

Football and ice dancing. And the
defense would also like us to believe

football is the one where you can attack
a defenseless player so brutally, so

harshly, that you could change the
course of his life forever. Well,

wrong.

They're wrong. Because in football, as
in life, there's a spectrum of what's

acceptable. And what John Halper did to
Tim Ryan is nowhere to be found within

that spectrum.

Because he wasn't playing football.

He was getting revenge.

That's it.

Thank you.

Warren, what are you doing?

Peeling carrots. That's not peeling.
You're hacking that thing up like it's

Leatherface or something.

Stop. Give me the pillow. Give me the
pillow.

Give me a carrot.

Give me a carrot. Let me show you, dude.
You got to treat it like a lady, man.

Peel it like you're peeling off clothes
or something. Check it out.

Just... You feel me, baby?

Maxine, how you living?

What's your name again?

What neck you, baby?

Baby, how are you?

What is that?

Key to the meal.

You got the truffles.

How'd you do that? Found a place on the
internet.

Internet truffles? You're a genius.

That's some good stuff. Let me see, let
me see, let me see.

How much you pay, buddy?

Oh, if I say that out loud, I might be
tempted to put my head in the fryer.

Okay, come on. Come on, people. Let's
go.

Enough resting on our laurels.

Do this.

Mr. Foreperson, has the jury reached a
verdict?

Yes, we have, Your Honor.

In the case of Tim Ryan versus John
Helper, we fine for the plaintiff.

Court is adjourned.

Ed, thanks for everything.

You really came through. My pleasure.

Not too shabby?

I got to tell you, Frankie, you're going
to be a kick -ass lawyer, right? You're

intelligent, you're resourceful, you're
creative.

Absent -minded.

Absent -minded? Always losing things
like my watch or my keys. Yesterday, it

my purse. I had gone to the football
field to look around and left it in the

bleachers. When I went back, it was
gone. So I asked Ashley, the

there's a lost and found. She says,
yeah, go talk to the football team's

equipment manager.

Well, a little luck never hurts.

And I'm a kick -ass lawyer.

Listen, Frankie, you want the job?

Sorry, Ed. I don't think so.

If you want me, you're going to have to
do a little begging. Maybe even a little

groveling. What?

Begging and groveling, Ed. I'll see you.

So you're done being the cool principal.

No, I'm not done. I'm just taking that
down because I've got something so much

cooler.

Oh, that's very nice.

I think so. Looks like it's official.
You are a real Stuckyville High

Looks like it.

I am dumb.

I mean, come on. Couldn't they come up
with something better than that?

So I hope the big surprise wasn't a trip
to the bowling alley because I can

smell the shoe spray from like 100 yards
away.

Are you ready?

No, no. Let me just hang out here with a
blindfold on. Of course I'm ready. The

suspense is killing me.

And what are you supposed to be?

Hi, my name is Warren. I will be your
waiter this evening.

Oh, my God.

What have you guys done?

The last meal.

Yeah, minus the electric chair dessert,
of course. You guys? It's all here. The

Canadian sturgeon caviar, the brie with
hazelnut bread. The squid strings and

pesto. Are you really sure about those,
by the way? The roasted rack of Salt

Spring Island lamb.

Everything you asked for. But I was just
fantasizing. I didn't mean for you guys

to... Oh, wait, wait, wait. Take a peek
at this.

Eli, chop -chop.

Sorry. Forget the chop chop. Yeah, you
better kill all that hand clapping

I don't know who you think you are.

Carve your ass like that turkey.

Is that risotto?

Yes, it is.

With white truffles. Risotto with white
truffles? The diamond of the table. Try

it.

Oh, mommy.

Hey. Hey, big man, you okay?

I'd cry, but I think all the water in my
body just rushed to my mouth.

What are y 'all waiting for?

Look, guys, this is great, but when I
finally committed to this surgery, I

committed to a new way of life.

And that doesn't include meals like
this.

I can't believe you fell for that. Come
on.

Let's eat.

Have a banana, Hannah.

Try the salami, Tommy.

Give it to Gravy Davey.

Everybody eats when they come to my
house. I fix your favorite dishes.

Hoping this good food fills ya.

Work my hands to the bone in the kitchen
alone.

You better eat if it kills ya.

Pass me a pancake, Mandrake.

Have an undervi...

Look in the fendel mendel Everybody eats
when they come to my house

Everybody

eats when they come to my house

I don't know why you have to spare the
position of center like

that. I mean, there's only two players
that touch the ball in every play.

There's the quarterback.

There's the center. You touched it for
like a second.

Still touching it, my friend. Still
touching it.

That just makes most... Hey, look who's
here.

Was that your groupie? No, no, that's a
little demeaning. Don't you think there,

sport? It's not like I called her a
sinner.

Hey!

Hey, Ed!

I just wanted to come say hi. Ed, this
is my boyfriend, Leon. Leon, this is the

famous Ed.

Come on, now. If I were really famous,
you wouldn't have to say my name. Nice

meet you, Leon. Likewise.

Frankie talks about you all the time. Is
that right? Really? Oh, she's great.

Anyway, I didn't mean to interrupt you.
Enjoy your drink.

Excuse me. Is that it?

No.

No, of course not.

Drink's for me.

Have a good night, you guys.

You okay?

Yeah, sure.

Socks, you totally earned that job.

Whatever.