Original subtitles

Oh, God.

Even on the couch.

There'll be music on the couch.

Woo!

Okay. Well, the girls -only karaoke fiesta night?

Not such a good idea.

I'm sorry. I just, I can't.

It's okay.

You must be getting so sick of me.

No. Oh, we just wish there was something we could do to cheer you up. You got me

out of my room. That's something.

You know what?

Maybe we should drop in on the goat. I mean, you've got to get out and see

people again.

Mm -mm.

I don't want to see people. I can't see people, especially certain people.

You mean like Ed?

No, not like Ed.

Ed has nothing to do with this. Ed didn't even have the class to show up at

non -wedding.

What? What's this?

Nothing.

Nothing.

House and walk.

Ed Stevens, there's a lovely young lady here to see you.

Ed Stevens, a lovely young lady.

Why do you... Did you know no two beavers have the same stripes?

No, I did not. Beaver stripes are like... Did you know it's odd for a

walk into a bowling alley and start asking strange questions about animals?

you know there's a reason for that? Did you want to tell me what that reason is?

How would you like the opportunity to meet these animals up close and in

Are you going to the zoo?

Yes, but there are no cages and it's in Africa.

That's funny. I thought you just said it was in Africa.

I got a great deal on a safari.

Three weeks. You, me, giraffe, wildebeest, and beautiful Botswana. What

say? Wow. That's incredible.

I don't know if I can just leave like that. I mean, I got the law office. I

the bowling alley. I got... Carol?

Please, let's not start this again.

Ed, you rode to the woman's wedding on a horse.

The wedding didn't happen. She's available.

And you're doing what, exactly?

I'm not doing anything.

Look, I just...

I need a little time to figure some things out. That's all.

Okay, good luck with that.

Wait, Jennifer, wait. Okay, no, wait. You're right. You're right. You're

You're always right. Let's go. Let's go. I want to go. I want to go see Zebras.

Nope, don't believe you. I do. I do. I do. I want to go see Zebras. I do. I

to see Zebras. The stripes like finger boots.

Ed, I'm not a second fiddle kind of girl.

If I'm not first fiddle, then I'm no fiddle.

Let's go see zebras.

Yep, we're going to see zebras.

I'm in the sky tonight.

There I can keep by your side Watching

the wide world

You know, Carol and I still have not spoken since the wedding, or lack of

wedding. Do you believe that?

Oh, call Ripley.

I mean, what's that about? You know, I called her twice, no response.

Why does she have a problem with me? I'm not the one who stood her up, am I

right? Right.

Right. I think I'm going to go by the high school, you know, and try and get

the bottom of this. Hey, look, I got her a little gift.

Yeah, it's not much, but, you know, it's cool, right? See this?

They're tuning for it.

You know, get your life back in tune, you know?

It's thoughtful, don't you think?

Huh? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, right.

I still don't know what to do, though, Mike. You know, should I lay low? Or

should I pounce?

Do I want to pounce? Do I not want to pounce? Plus, then there's Jennifer

Bradley, you know?

Meanwhile, Jennifer wants me to go on this vacation with her. I can't help but

wondering, is the Carol iron finally hot? And if so, should I strike? Or was

Carol iron hot and I missed striking it? Or should I even strike it at all,

regardless of the temperatures? Carol and I were friends. You know, you don't

want to screw that up. Maybe you do want to screw it up. Hey!

What? I can't take it anymore. I can't listen to you talk about Carol Vesey.

Should I do something? Should I not do something? You're like a 12 -year -old

schoolgirl. What's your problem? Stop analyzing and do something about it

already. Okay, what?

I don't know. Ask her out. Don't ask her out.

Sleep with her. Don't sleep with her. Just stop talking about it all the time.

Mike, your patients are going to hear you. I don't have any patients.

All right.

Hi.

Hi.

How you doing?

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for asking, Ed.

Look, it's a big cliche.

I know there's nothing I can say that's going to make you feel any better right

now, but know that if you want to talk... Thank you, Ed.

It was lovely of you to stop by. Really, it wasn't as much. I'd like to hang out

and have a couple laughs.

I've got to go copy these worksheets. I'll see you around, okay? Wait, I... I

want you to have this.

It's just a small kind of luck. Thanks, Ed.

That's very thoughtful of you.

Always so very thoughtful.

Right

there.

That's good. Right there in the center. Cool. Can you help me get up on that?

Don't I need some sort of special certification for that?

Would you come on?

Wait, I got to touch you?

Well, what else you going to do? I dream of genie my ass over there? Well, I

just don't want to hurt you.

Phil, I'm not a ceramic fool. You won't hurt me. Come on, man.

Let me out.

You are such a jerk.

I know, I know. All right, come on, come on. I'm going to be in here.

Oh, man.

Guess what our accommodations are going to be when we're in Africa.

I don't know.

Well, do you think we're going to be staying in a hotel?

I don't know.

Motel? Don't know.

Inn? Don't know.

Lodge? Don't know.

Hostel? Don't know. Boarding house? Don't know. Spa?

Don't know. Give up? Yes.

We're going to be staying in a hut. A hut. A hut.

How cool is that?

A hut.

Very cool.

Ed? Yeah?

Why aren't you wearing your pith helmet?

I don't know.

All right, on three, Phil.

Right here. One, two, three. I got you. I got you. I got you.

Good job. Good job. See, that's all it is, man. Whatever you want in the seat,

you put in the seat. You want my ass in the seat, you lift my ass up.

Hi, Phil.

Hey, Vivian.

Still a size seven, I presume?

Yep.

I'll wait and see.

Bye.

Roll a good one.

Oh, Eli, I do believe she just gave you a little hooty -patooty -rascooty

-dazooty look on her way out.

I've never seen her here before.

You like?

Who is that?

Her name is Vivian Gonda. She works nights over at Schmidt's.

That deli on White Street? That's the one.

Dude, on a scale of one to ten, she's like a twelve hundred.

Amen, brother. Hey, note you need to get that little filly right where you want

her. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You trying to tell me how to pick up lady?

Man, come on, dude. That's like finger painting with Picasso right there, boy.

You valid.

It says here that the animal that kills the most humans is the hippopotamus.

They're so cute that humans don't fear them enough.

I think we should postpone this trip.

Whoa, wait, what are you doing? I didn't say cancel, I said postpone.

I'm leaving. Why?

Because there's just not room for me, you, and Mr. Warning Flag that just

entered the room a few minutes ago.

Wait, wait, Jennifer, don't leave us. Second fiddle doesn't work for me.

I understand that Carol's a little confused, but you know what? Maybe I'm a

little confused, too.

And you think that thought ever crosses her brain? No, I don't think so, Jack. I

get, I get the fact that she got dumped at the altar.

You know, I'm not insensitive to that fact, but does not give her the right to

treat me in a cool and unusual fashion. Hi, Mike.

Hi, Ed. Hey. Hi, Carol.

Ed, I would be ashamed of myself if I didn't come over here and thank you for

your lovely gift.

Oh, you're welcome.

Mike, did you know Ed gave me a tuning fork?

No, he knows.

No, it's not just any kind of tuning fork.

It's a symbolic tuning fork because it's time for me to get back.

In tune.

Isn't that just so clever? It makes you sick.

Hey. No, because when it comes to hackneyed freshman comp symbolism,

it like Edward Stevens.

Tuning fork, back in tune.

Ooh, bravo, bravissimo.

Not symbolic, okay? I just happen to think it was a nice tuning fork. Really?

Yes. Well, I've got an idea.

I would love to offer you a symbolic glass of water.

This. is to water your dreams. May they flower and grow and flower and grow. All

right, okay, enough.

If you don't like the gift, then fine.

I was just trying to make you feel better. You're trying to make me feel

Yes. Oh, please.

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for the hardest -working

hypocrite in Stuckyville, Edward Jeremy Stevens, Jr.

Junior?

Yeah. Yeah, take a bow, hypocrite. How am I a hypocrite? How are you a

hypocrite? How am I a hypocrite? You never wanted this wedding to happen in

first place. You did.

Everything you could to talk me out of it. And now, now you're pretending to

feel all bad for me.

I do feel bad for you. No, you don't. No, you don't. You feel great and you

loving this. I'm not loving this. You're loving this. I'm not loving... You know

what your problem is? You're just mad at me because I was right. Right about

what? Right about Dennis.

Oh, you don't know a damn thing about it. I know plenty. Really?

Have a stupid tuning fork.

Fine, fine. You don't deserve a really good tuning fork like this.

Hey, thanks for coming, you guys. Hey. How you doing?

Hey, Eli.

Refreshments, anyone?

Soda? Beer? Do you have any soup?

Sure.

Okay, I assembled you here tonight because we all face a dire and ongoing

to our very way of life.

Speaking, of course, about the nightmare that is Ed Stevens and Carol Bessie.

So what I'm proposing is... Excuse me, I'm sorry.

What is the issue between Ed and Carol?

Ugh, you know, they've been driving us nuts with all this will -they -or -won't

-they crap.

Wait, are you telling me that Ed and Carol have never done it?

Phil, of course not.

You're kidding me. I could have sworn he banged her like two years ago.

No, this is the whole reason that we're... Sure he did. He, like, dressed

Robin Hood, he threw pancakes at her window, and then the two of them went at

like a couple of crazed basset hounds, no?

You really are a moron.

Go ahead, my good doctor.

Thank you.

Uh, my idea is we lock them both inside the Stucky Ball.

Until they can come to some kind of understanding.

I don't care how long it takes.

So long as we can close the books on Ed and Carol once and for all.

That's genius.

But they'll never let us lock them in there like that. That's why we need a

plan.

Any ideas?

We could flip them a Mickey.

I don't know exactly what a Mickey is, but I do know you flip them to people.

Hi, Carol.

Hi, listen.

My car just died and I am stranded in the middle of a sucky bowl parking lot.

you think you could pick me up?

Yeah, oh, no, don't worry, Ed. He's like in a corridor or something.

Ed, would you like to see a magic trick?

Uh, sure. Have I set this up or prearranged anything with you in any

there's no one here but you and... Could you extend your wrist?

There's been a security breach at the bowling alley. I'm going to ask you to

move calmly and quietly in a single -file line to the exit closest to you.

must evacuate the premises immediately.

Thank you.

Security breach?

It's a bo -

Eli, what's going on?

Molly having a little car trouble.

If I had some duct tape, I could patch this up just long enough to get me to

gas station.

Duct tape? We have plenty of duct tape inside.

Great.

Yep, I'll go get that duct tape.

Yeah, I'll just roll way inside there and get that duct tape.

Eli, no, I will get the duct tape. Let me. You'll get it?

Oh, okay, just go inside Nashville. He'll know exactly where it is.

Is that in there?

He's not back yet.

Ed went to the movies.

Ed went to the movies in the middle of the day? No, I didn't mean movies. I

mean, you know, that's something you say when the brother got to go to court.

You'd be like, yo, where's Jesse? Jesse had to go to the movies. You know what I

mean? That's it.

That's all.

Who knew?

Okay.

I'd like to order two tholoflexes, one for my home, one for my office.

Yeah. Phil, Molly needs some duct tape.

It's right back behind lane 17. You can't miss it.

Okay, thank you.

Now, do you have a layaway plan for that, or can I just put it on a ship?

Yes, the key to your heart, right?

Carol!

Carol! It's Ed!

I'm in my office!

Carol! A little help!

Carol, a little help!

Carol!

Ro. Oh, this is so lame.

What? Whatever little stunt it is you're pulling right now.

Stunt? I'm Hancock here. Yeah, I can see that. And let me guess.

I am the only one who can set you free.

Hmm?

You been drinking liquid plumber?

Ed, can you explain to me what's going on? I don't know. I have no idea.

The windows are blacked out.

Locked? Yes, it's locked.

Mike? Mike, what are you doing?

Mike,

you let us out!

Next time you and Mike do one of your hilarious ten -buck challenges, leave me

out of it. I called ten -dollar bets, not ten -bucks challenges, and this is

one of them.

Where are you going?

Out the back doors and around the front. I'm going to proceed to pummel Mike

with my bare fist until the soul rises from his body. I'm going to grab his

by the neck and start giving it an open -handed slap.

Yeah, great.

Sorry, Bosco.

This is tough love, my man.

Open the door now!

Not till Dr.

Mike says so.

Tell them you'll fire them. Yeah.

You ain't gonna find no brother in a wheelchair.

What about me?

I don't know.

Or a very, very light -skinned brother who's allergic to cat dander.

Well, Carol, I really want to thank you.

What do you mean, thank me?

Well, like many people, I have a list of things I hope to experience in life,

beholding the awesome majesty of the Taj Mahal.

Prairie gliding into a shimmering sky off a sunny snow -capped alpine peak.

Making love under a scarlet sunset on one of Maui's beautiful black sand

beaches. Being locked inside a bowling alley. Thanks for that one.

Wait a minute. Am I to understand that you are blaming me for this? Of course,

of course I'm blaming you. How is that possible? Isn't it obvious? We wouldn't

be here if you hadn't flipped out at me at the goat.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I did not flip out on you.

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? You came after me teeth bared, foaming

at the mouth like a rabid badger. Badger?

You're calling me a badger? No, no. Not a badger. Not a badger. A rabid badger.

A rabid badger. A rabid badger of insanity.

Insanity? If I'm insane, it's only because you've driven me that way.

How? How? By giving you a tuning fork?

No, Ed.

By everything that you do all the time.

That's why we're here.

Because you won't just leave me alone to let me live my life. Maybe I should

just leave you alone right now. I wish you would. Fine. Fine.

That's right. I know you're not serious.

I'm as serious as Henry Kissinger, baby. So prepare yourself for a little

whooping comma ass.

First one to win five games. How much?

How about too large?

Bring it on, my brother.

How much is too large?

$2 ,000.

I've only got $67 to my name.

$67 it is.

All right, $47. Wait.

$48 .20.

Okay, $48 .20.

Bring it on, my brother.

What

are

they doing in there?

Oh, they're not talking.

I can only see Carol. She looks angry. This could take a while.

Well, if it's okay with you guys, I'm going to take off. What?

Yeah, I mean, you guys got it covered here.

I got to go.

You're not going anywhere.

Why? I mean, it doesn't take the three of us to guard the door, especially one

that's been chained up. Besides, I've got a lot of work to do.

You know what? Honey, so do I.

Plus, I want to take Sarah to the park. No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

Carmela, Carmela can take you to the park. You guys got to stay.

If you leave, I'm going to be bored out of my skull.

Yeah, well, I'm already bored out of mine.

I'm taking off. Oh, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. Stay, stay, stay. If you

if you stay, I'll make it worth your while.

How?

I'll entertain you.

How are you going to do that?

Tell you a story.

Story? That's right. Good old -fashioned storytelling. You know, like the

cavemen around the fire with the bone.

You guys stay.

I promise you'll love it, okay? Just sit down, and I'll transport you to another

place in time.

Please?

Okay.

Knock me out.

All right.

That'll be good, Mike.

Once upon a time, there was a real grizzled old sea captain named Filthy

And a big ship.

Do you have any food around here? I'm starving.

All we got is one hot dog and one bun. My hands are clean.

Well, great. We'll split it.

Apologize. Excuse me?

First, apologize.

For what?

For assuming when I was handcuffed in my office it was some grand romantic

gesture. I'm not going to apologize for that. You were wrong.

No. No, I walk into the bowling alley, I find a key, and then I find you

handcuffed to a pole in your office with no one else around. I think that I'm

perfectly justified in assuming it's just one of those...

Silly Ed Stevens thing.

So you're not going to apologize?

No.

Okay.

You're really not going to share any of that? No, I'll share it. All you got to

do is apologize.

Oh, that ain't going to happen. All right, then.

Oh, look at that, Cal.

See, your half's still there, but I'm getting pretty close to midfield here.

I am not apologizing for making a perfectly reasonable assumption.

All right, then.

Oh, God.

It's good.

Juicy. Crispy.

You're such an ass. You know that? No, Carol. I'm not an ass. I'm an ass

enjoying a hot dog.

Fine. Eat it. You know what? I don't care. All right. Fine.

You can have the last bite.

As long as you apologize.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

Seven plus a double word is 14 plus 50 for a little thing called a bingo.

Very nice. The man knows his twos. Oh, I know my twos. I know my twos that make

the threes. I know my threes. And I'm halfway through the threes that makes

four. And I'm winning 286 to 195.

Play on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you brailling?

Brailling? Yeah, you're figuring out what letters there are by feeling them.

I couldn't do that if I tried. Oh, please. I've heard plenty of articles

how when one sense goes down, the others overcompensate.

Oh, Phil, you trying to say because I'm in a wheelchair that I have a better

sense of touch?

Oh, come on, though. You're just in over your head.

Is that right? I'll tell you what.

Let's play for something real. Yeah, because that $48 worth of life savings

ain't real enough.

You win, I'll give you the $48. I win, you call up Vivian from Schmitz and you

ask her out.

Man, go ahead.

Come on, you like her. I win, you ask her out. You scared to lose?

All right, you win.

Quilea.

87 points.

Oh, gosh, that hurt.

Let's play some Scrabble, shall we?

Well, that ain't no word.

Is that a challenge? Is that a challenge because I have the dictionary? If

that's a challenge, I will open the dictionary.

Is that a challenge?

No, let's just play. Okay, 87 points.

I think I know how we can get out of here.

Great, get us out of here, then. Don't need your help.

What? There's this panel on the ceiling of the basement. We can push it aside

and there's this little old area and there's this little service door. I

we can get out through that.

So what do you need me for?

As you get on my shoulders, push the panel aside.

Don't you have a lighter?

It's outside.

You can't do this without me.

No.

Okay. Good.

Let's go.

All you have to do is apologize.

What are you talking about?

For eating the entire hot dog.

Okay. Seriously.

If I find your mind, which you've obviously completely lost, I'll be sure

give it to you.

Suit yourself.

You're not serious.

Carol,

I am sorry for eating the entire hot dog and behaving like a complete jackass.

Was that so hard? You understand this is not just for me, okay? This is to get

you out of here, too.

Was there an apology in there? Because I didn't hear it.

See, this is your problem.

This is your problem, okay?

You're one of the most stubborn human beings to ever roam the planet Earth.

Carol? I'm sorry for eating the entire hot dog and behaving like a complete

jackass. Well, I'm not going to apologize for eating a hot dog, which I

eating in the first place, because you wouldn't apologize.

Your call.

This is ridiculous.

We could be getting out of here right now.

All right.

How about we both say we're sorry?

You first. No, at the same time.

Okay. All right, on three. One, two, three.

I'm... I'm sorry.

Come on, let's go.

You said you're sorry.

You said you're sorry.

You're going the wrong way.

Sorry.

That's when Salty Larry made the biggest mistake of his life.

It's the attempt of the reason with the giant squid.

For you, dear listeners, the tentacle lord of the deep is no logical beast.

All right, I'll be going now. Hey, hey, hey, things are just getting heated up

here. Uh, I can't take this anymore.

Honestly, honey, I've been more entertained by watching the PAX network.

right, the story's over. I'll do something better.

You can't be serious.

What's up, Molly? I can't hear you behind this soundproof, invisible wall.

Welcome to the Underground Railroad. You ready?

Um, yeah.

On the board.

Uh, okay, okay. Would you be careful like this? Oh, my God.

Okay, really?

Okay, okay.

You know, hey, we had, like, a big, giant red coat. We put that on.

I bet we could get into the movie theater with a single ticket.

What? Never mind. Push the panel aside.

What? Where's the panel? Oh, it's back here. Back up. Back up.

Okay.

Hey. Oh, what's happening? There you go. I'm doing it.

Okay. Ready? Ready? Go. One, two, three.

Push.

Push. Whoa.

Whoa. Oh, my God.

Now, how are you going to get up?

It's just there.

Okay. Yeah.

Here we go.

That's right.

Road to free... No.

We are not going to lock Ed Steven inside his... Oh!

Shirley.

Come on. Let us out, Shirley. Come on. Open the door.

Shirley,

come on. Help me convince this one to... You know what? I don't have the energy

to argue with Harpo right now.

Listen, Shirley.

If you let us out, I'll give you... Cal?

Cal?

Ah!

Oh, I hurt my ankle.

Hold on, I'm coming.

You know, it really hurt. I think maybe I should put the mice on there. We will

in a second. Now squeeze out a few tears if you can, because that ankle is our

ticket out of here.

You must pay the rent.

I can't...

I'll go see.

Mike!

Mike, Mike, Carol sprained her ankle. You've got to let us out.

Mike, it's for real.

Mike! Mike!

Okay, so where was I?

I can't believe these people. Thank you. I'll get you an ice pack.

Hey, listen, while I'm in the kitchen, what else can I get you?

What do you mean?

Grilled cheese, a burger, some nachos, some eggs.

You have those things?

Mm -hmm.

You've had them the whole time?

Mm -hmm.

Why didn't you say anything?

A little thing called strategy, my friend.

Yeah.

All right, what do you say to a bacon cheeseburger omelet?

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

I know.

It's amazing.

I know.

How much butter did you use in this?

There's only one thing I know about cooking. When in doubt, add enough

grease Wyoming.

And the bacon cheeseburger omelet, this was your invention?

No, no, no. Whenever I had a problem as a kid, my mom would whip up a bacon

cheeseburger omelet, and 27 ,000 calories later, problem solved.

I know what you mean. My dad used to make us fried bologna sandwiches

we were in need of a little extra cheering up.

You know, my mother also had another trick in her bag. You know, if, uh...

If the comfort food wasn't working, she'd have Mr. Pickle Bun Eyes go for

soda gusher.

Mr. What?

I'll show you.

Go on, have a drink out of your soda. You got it?

Uh -huh.

Okay, Carol, allow me to introduce you to... Mr. Pickle Bun Eyes!

You just made that up.

Well, you know, I saw the pickles, I saw the buns, I figured... Take a look at

this. I'm sorry.

Oh.

Things have been really complicated between us lately.

Complicated?

I guess you could say that.

I'm not going to let us go until we figure things out.

It's looking that way.

Should we give it a shot?

Try some ketchup on that.

It's the only way to have the full experience.

Here we go.

Cat. Q -A -T spelled cat. Son of a bitch. I was sure you were going to have

eat that Q.

Oh, no, no. I ain't trying with no Q tonight, baby. God bless cat.

Q -A -T spelled cat. It's a real word.

You know.

You know it is.

Are you trying to bluff me to challenging you?

Nah, man.

My dear Eli, I have known the cues without you since I was nine years old.

Cade, canat, kindar, kintar, kiviot, koth, and of course, qwerty.

All right, just make your damn move.

Let's see. I think I will turn water into water zooey on a triple word score.

Water zooey? It's a Belgian stew, and I do believe I am on my way to a win. Get

ready to dial my brother.

Let me just give you $48.

Oh, come on. Don't tell me you're afraid to make one little ask -out. I average

about 26 ask -outs a day.

Well, I don't, all right?

Not lately.

You know what I'm saying, Stubbs.

Yeah, I know what you're saying.

But a bet's a bet. Now place your tiles, Miles.

You know, if you really wanted to do this the right way...

They should have trapped us in a meat locker. A meat locker?

Yeah, a meat locker. That's the way it always goes on TV, you know. People get

stuck in a meat locker, then they start to reminisce, then they solve the

problems, then they have to huddle together for the warmth, and that's when

fun really starts. Maybe I should turn down the thermostat. Ed. Yeah?

A little focus, please.

All right, okay.

Why, Carol, you tell me. How in the name of sweet jumping Jehoshaphat are we

going to settle our differences?

Well, first I think we need to agree what those differences are.

What?

Well, that's not going to be easy. Why not? Because it isn't. Come on, Ed. I

thought we were doing this.

Do you want to have the conversation?

Let's have the conversation.

Yes, let's.

Carol, in my opinion, you and I have only one problem.

And that problem is that you're in love with me, but you're too afraid to admit

it to yourself.

I see.

Sorry, but that's my honest opinion, so what else can I say?

No, it's fine.

It's just my honest opinion is a little different.

Let's hear it.

My honest opinion is you are in love with an idealized version of me that I

can't possibly live up to, that nobody can live up to.

And you're going to keep chasing that fantasy to fill some hole in you I can't

begin to understand.

We're off to a roaring start, aren't we?

Can I make a suggestion?

Please. Let's move past the stuff that we can never agree on and focus on the

stuff that we can't, okay? We need to be like diplomats at a peace summit.

Yes, right.

What we need is a treaty, a pact, a settlement.

A binding contract.

Exactly. If only we had a lawyer.

Broke it fast.

She was in my English class. This would be so sweet right now.

Oh, Jenny.

Lost her favorite penny. So I gave her a dollar. She kissed me and I hollered.

All right. You ready?

Ready.

We, the undersigned, do hereby pledge to conduct ourselves according to the

following contract of behavior.

Very nice.

Term number one.

We will treat each other with civility and respect.

Love it.

Now you go.

Okay, turn number two.

We will never meddle with one another's relationships.

Yeah, good. Yeah, good. Just like the prime directive of the Starship

Enterprise. Huh?

No Starfleet personnel may interfere with the healthy development of alien

and culture.

Keep quoting Star Trek, you're not going to have any relationships for me not to

meddle with.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Turn number one, civilian respect.

Right. Sorry.

And Bingo most definitely was his name -o.

Another Bingo? Good God, man.

Snuggle, 74 points. This is not happening. Oh, but it is. My brother Eli

Cartwright Goggins III is the comeback king of Scrabble, baby. I win 423 to

338. Game seven is mine. The series is mine.

And your 48 clams, mine.

All right, listen. One more game, double or nothing, and I will spot you both

blanks. No way, man. A bet is a bet is a bet, bet, bet.

Fork it over, nephew.

All right, relax.

We'll get the one we need, man.

You know, Eli, at some point, you're going to have to get back up on the

Phil, I'm not ready yet.

Listen. Could I have my money back? Are you nuts? Oh, come on, man. We had a

nice guy -to -guy moment there.

Okay, term number 10. We will always be honest and straightforward in our

dealings with each other.

Udious. Your turn.

I don't have anything else. Do you?

No, just so it does it for me. Good. Go ahead and sign it. Let's get the hell

out of here. Okay.

Do you mind taking this out to them? Because my ankle's kind of... Sure.

Ow.

Ow.

Uh, Carol?

Yeah?

As long as you're being honest, there's something I'd better tell you.

Is it something I want to hear? Because if it's not... There's no way I can sign

this without telling you. It's the only way to put this thing truly behind us.

Okay. Go ahead, then.

All right, silly.

Carol, why do you think I didn't show up at your wedding?

Because you wanted to hurt me.

No.

I didn't show up at your wedding because I was clinging to the back of a runaway

horse. What were you doing on a horse?

I was trying to ride to the church.

Why?

To break up your wedding.

To break up my wedding? Yeah, the plan was to ride in a horseback and whisk you

away, but it was over before I got there.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

Anyway, that's what I wanted to tell you.

I'm just going to take the thing out.

Half man, half woman out there.

My one chance at something vaguely resembling happiness, and you destroyed

What? You ruined my wedding, and you made me lose Dennis.

How can I ruin your wedding? I wasn't even there.

Of course you were there. You're always there.

No matter what I try to do, it's... Ed Stevens is always there.

I don't know what you're so upset about. Ed, do you want to know why Dennis

walked out of the wedding?

Why?

I'll tell you why.

I'll tell you why.

Because he thought I was looking around the church for you. He thought I was

looking for Ed Stevens.

Were you?

Yeah.

Why, Carol?

It never stopped.

It's been this way ever since you came back to Stuckyville.

You didn't even know me. Ed, you did not even know me. And yet you made it your

life's work to just wear me down. It's like you crawled into my skull and you

found a nice comfy little place to rest and you refused to leave. No matter what

I said, no matter what I did, you just never stopped coming.

After me.

You just never stopped. You never wanted me to stop.

And you wanted me to stop.

It's true, Carol. I did all these things.

I dressed up as a knight. I sang. I danced. I threw waffles at your bedroom

window. I hired a skywriter.

I got up on a horse named Crazy Jimmy.

And you loved it.

You loved it.

And you hated it.

Because you didn't think you deserved it.

You know what, Carol?

You were right.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Carol.

Look at me.

I'm done.

Ready for a brand new beef. Hey, you're totally entertained right now.

Buckets of rain, buckets of chill. Got all them buckets coming out of my ears.

Buckets of moonbeams in my hand.

You got all the love, honey, baby, I just think.

We're done.

I'm gonna go on home.

I've been meek and hot like an oak.

I've seen pretty people disappear like smoke.

Friends will arrive, friends will disappear.

You want me, honey, baby, I'll be here.

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