Original subtitles

Previously on Ed... Where are you going? Do you think I'm going to hang around

here and wait for you to walk back and forth? Ed, Dennis. Ed, Dennis. You got

the wrong guy.

Let's get married.

So how many guests are you going to invite?

Um, I think we're going to have a pretty small wedding. 40, 50, something like

that. What kind of magic are you going to have?

We haven't decided yet.

You're still making the mistake Nancy and I did.

Nancy and I? It was your stupid idea.

What? Mike hired these Beatles lookalikes called the Fab Four.

It was the most impressive thing I've ever seen. They had a Chinese ringo. I

trying to be postmodern.

Hey, where's your ring?

Oh, you know, I haven't really started wearing it yet. Why not?

What did you tell Ed?

Right. When are you going to do that? I don't know.

I've been meaning to stop by there, but I'm just too nervous.

If you want, I'll tell him for you. No, you can't.

None of you can. Promise me. It has to come from me.

Ben, you better tell him soon.

All right, this is getting ridiculous. I will stop by there today after school.

Good. Maria was not Chinese. The man was a full -blooded Hawaiian.

I'm in the sky tonight.

There I can keep by your side,

watching the wide world.

Is that a ding -dong?

No, it's a ring -ding.

Is that your breakfast?

It's only part of it.

On the way to school, I ate a ding -dong.

You ever think about having cereal instead of that junk food?

What junk food? This is pastry. For centuries, civilized people have enjoyed

wholesome pastries for breakfast.

Le croissant. Le brie horse.

Hey, Mark.

What? I'm worried about you.

What are you talking about? Look, I have...

Always stop short of freaking this out, because I don't want to upset you, and I

don't want to be a nag, but you are just way too... heavy.

And you've got to start doing something about it. Hey, you two. Get your tie out

of each other's throats and say the Playboy grotto.

Warren, Diane seems to think I've got a weight problem.

Really? Yeah. Do I look big to you? I don't know. Turn around for a sec.

Uh -oh.

No, I'm not seeing it.

Be sure, because if I'm overweight, I want to know. No, you're fine.

I think you're being pulled by the horizontal stripe.

Stretches you out.

Stubbs.

Stubbs.

Yes, Eli? Oh, no, you look at me when I address your ass.

How may my ass be of service?

That snack bar grill looked scary.

It looks like it hasn't been cleaned since the Cretaceous period.

The Cretaceous? The what? I'm sorry, I'm not up on all the current hip -hop

lingo. Look, just clean the grill, okay?

Eli, you're new here, so let me help orientation you.

Every day after lunch, we enjoy a fiesta.

To work now would be to disrespect Ed's Mexican heritage.

Look, everyone is working. Ed is working, I'm working, Shirley is

at her.

Shaka -kan, shaka -kan, shaka -shaka -shaka -shaka -kan.

All right, fine.

I'll clean the grill.

Good. Just as soon as I finish savoring Beetle Bailey's latest run -in with

Sarge.

Hey, I'm going to kill him, man.

Okay.

Whoa.

Hey, Snyder.

Check it out. They're taking applications for the Mrs. Duckyville

So you better sign up or you're going to miss the deadline.

I'm serious. Come on, you're a fox. You should totally go for it.

What do you think, Banneker? I would kill to say that.

Ryan Snyder up on stage, shaking a chunk around.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Geek Stucky Hill.

What?

I'm a geek. I can call you a geek, same way black people call each other the N

-word.

YouTube bonus heads just gave me a great idea.

What? I'll sign up for the Miss Stucky Hill pageant, if Mark goes on a diet.

Oh, come on.

This is awesome.

I'm serious.

You'd really do that?

Absolutely. I'll sign up today.

How about it?

You're on.

This is going to be so sweet.

Sure you want to do that?

What do you mean?

From everything I know about you, this Duckyville pageant kind of seems like

Diane Snyder version of hell.

No, I don't care.

It's okay.

Okay, well, you're going to have at least one judge on your side.

Who's that?

Carol Vesey.

Also known as Miss Duckyville 1988.

Really? Yeah, that didn't surprise me one bit.

She's so hot as a middle -aged woman. I tremble to think how bootylicious she

must have been when she was young.

Hi, kids.

Yeah, I was just talking about Ann -Margaret.

How hot she is. Ed.

Yeah? Could I talk to you for a minute, alone?

Sure.

Idiots.

So, uh, what's going down?

Going down?

Um... Just that.

You know, just that.

The other thing.

How's Denny?

Dennis is out of town. He's at a teacher's conference. Oh.

Dennis is at a teacher's conference.

Yes, indeedy.

How are things going here at the old Stucky Bowl?

Here? Yeah.

Dino might. Dino might.

I still love that.

Yeah. You okay? Yeah, yeah. You seem a little nervous. No, I'm not nervous at

all. Just enjoying that dynamite.

Something you want to talk about?

Yeah. Okay.

I wanted to know if you wanted to get together for a drink tomorrow night.

Drink? Yeah, drink.

Yeah, okay, sure.

Thought we could catch up.

Sounds great, yeah.

Smiling goat, 8 o 'clock? Good, yeah.

I will see you there.

Okay. Right, good.

Bye.

In conclusion, though his journey from wistfully goatee Gen X poster boy to

distinguished man of letters has not been an easy one, I believe that Ethan

Hawke has given us the first great novel of the 21st century.

That's it.

Thank you, Warren.

We'll hear the rest of your book reports tomorrow.

Have you seen Trinidad?

You can't reach me.

Diane, can you hang on a sec?

Yeah, what's up, Miss Bessie?

I heard...

You signed up for the pageant.

Yeah, but don't get the wrong idea. I'm kind of doing it on a dare.

Yeah, I thought it might be something like that.

But I think it's great.

You do?

Yeah, I do.

Hey, uh, no offense, Miss Bessie, but I can't believe you were Miss Duckyville.

Why not? I don't know. You just seem cooler than that.

Oh, well, thank you, Diane, but to be perfectly honest, It was a lot of fun.

Really? Yeah, I mean, all the dressing up and the parties. It was stupid fun,

but it was fun nonetheless.

I have to say, I think it could be good for you. It wouldn't kill you to open up

a little.

Okay.

You're making me start to reconsider that cool thing. Diane?

What's your talent going to be?

I'm going to recite Howl by Allen Ginsberg.

Ah, I see. See, you're in your super ironic, sarcastic mode. Not the most

original approach, but hey, it worked for Daria.

Yeah, I've never even seen that show.

I thought that if you wanted some advice, that you'd know where to find

Thanks, Miss Vessi.

But I don't think that'll be necessary.

Carmilla, I thought I asked you not to keep the tongue depressors in Eve's

mayonnaise jar.

It's okay.

I sterilize it, Dr.

Barton. Yeah, that's great. I just don't like the way it looks to the patients.

Why not?

Everybody likes mayonnaise.

Mike, Mike.

Hey. You're not going to believe this. Hey, Carmela. Hello.

What happened? Carol came to see me, right? She's totally nervous. She's

like a leaf. Yeah.

And she asked me out for a drink. She did? Yeah.

Yeah. It's finally happening, Mike. Just the way I knew it would. What is?

She's leaving Dennis.

She is? Yeah.

Yeah, and it all goes back to the kiss I kissed her, right? I plant the old

seeds of doubt. She fought it all summer. Now she can't fight no more.

She has succumbed, my friend.

Say, are you sure you're not jumping to conclusions?

What? I'm just saying, maybe that's not why she wants to see you.

Of course that's why she wants to see me. Why else would she want to see me?

Dennis is out of town. The lady is making her move.

Right.

Well, just don't get your hopes up, okay?

Whatever you say, Dr.

Bringdown. I'll see you later.

Bye.

Lovely as a summer day, my Shirley Moore.

You're distant as a Milky Way, my Shirley.

I cleaned it yesterday.

The hell you did?

Hey, Stucky Boss, I got a personnel issue.

What's that, Eli? I gotta fire Phil.

Can't fire Phil.

Why, he your nephew?

No, Phil's not my nephew.

Why can't I fire him? He doesn't do anything. He doesn't slink around here

he's Wally Coyote car -carrying genius.

Yeah, I know.

Well, then why can't I fire him? Because Eli, Phil sort of came with the place.

Once you've known him a while, he actually starts to grow on you.

Well, how's he gonna grow on me when he doesn't listen to a damn thing I say?

Phil! Listen to Eli.

Gotta go.

Hey, Carol.

Ed, hi.

You look nice.

Thanks, so do you.

Should we get a table?

After you.

Here we are.

Here we are.

How's your drink?

It's good. Refreshing.

Fizzy.

So?

So?

So how about Diane Snyder, the world's least likely Mr. Stuckeyville candidate?

I think it's a good idea, actually.

You do?

Yeah.

Boost her confidence a bit.

I don't know. All those little would -be beauty queens trying to out -pretty one

another.

Diana's actually very attractive. She plays it down, but she might actually

more fun in her life if she didn't.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Why are we here?

You have something to tell me?

Yes. All right.

Ed. Yeah.

Dennis and I.

Uh -huh.

That's hilarious.

Ed,

I'm serious about this. You're not marrying Dennis Martino. Yes, I am.

This is Carol Martino.

Ed,

I can't believe this.

You can't believe it.

I don't know what you're trying to prove, but you lied.

on yourself.

Ed, I mean it.

I'm marrying Dennis.

No, it's cool.

What's your name?

Diane. Me too.

I don't believe it. That is so random.

Yeah, it's like scientific proof of God's existence.

Yeah.

Hey, how you doing? Hey, Diane. Have you met Mr. Bogarty? He's the host.

Rick Bogarty. How you doing?

He's a comedian.

Oh, really?

Yeah, see? You better laugh, see? Okay, see?

That's all you got, huh? All right. I'll let you off the hook this time.

Only because you're a cutie. Good luck, kid.

Get ready to smile. Here comes George.

George? He's the photographer.

Who's the new girl?

I am Diane.

Such a pretty girl.

With such a sadly limited fashion sense.

What?

Take off the played -out Lisa Lowe glasses.

Smile, would you, please?

Gorgeous. Thank you.

Oh, my God, he called you gorgeous.

Is this really happening, or am I, like, jacked into the Matrix or something?

Hi, Diane. Hi, Mark.

Who is that?

Some photographer. This is so weird.

I can't believe you're making me do this. All right, girls, it's time for

rehearsal. Let's go.

Come on, let's go.

Okay, you're going to pay for this?

I already am.

Rice cake.

Eli, be a dear and pass the ketchup.

Here you go.

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

You cannot go around squirting ketchup at people.

Why not?

This is my workplace, and you are violating my civil rights.

Ed said I can't fire you, so I'm going to make you quit.

Oh, okay, that's your game? Well, that is never going to happen, so you can

forget about that right now.

Hey! Stop it!

I can do this all day.

Well, you know what? You be my guest.

Hi, what's up?

Remember when you offered to help me out with the pageant and I got all snotty

and told you to take a hike?

Uh -huh.

Um, I think I really could use some help after all.

Really?

Oh, what made you change your mind?

Well, I figure as long as I'm in the thing, there's really no point in me

a fool of myself. I mean, if I get up there wearing baggy pants and responding

to poetry, I'm just going to look like a pretentious jackass. Good point.

So, where do you want to start? How about the talent portion?

Okay, great.

What do you got? Sing, dance, juggle, what?

Well, I guess I kind of do sing a little bit. No, that's good. Let me hear

something. I don't know. I don't think that's a good idea.

Come on.

I feared my heart would beat in secrecy.

going to keep going with this marrying Dennis bit? I don't think it's a bit.

Come on, Mike.

I think she's really going to marry Dennis.

What? Mike, please, this is Carol Vessi we're talking about.

Yeah, and?

And after all the time I spent with her, I'd like to think I know the woman.

Okay, and?

And the woman I know is too good, too smart, Mike. She's too everything.

Screw up her life by marrying a jerk like Dennis.

Yeah, but didn't you think Nick was a jerk? What about good old Troy McCallum

from back in high school? Pretty much every guy she's ever dated.

Key word, dated, not married. So?

So, this is like what we're talking about.

We're talking about kids, grandchildren, growing old together.

We're not going to do it, Mike. The monkeys will fly before Cal are

married. November 15th.

What?

Mark your calendar, Eric, because that's the day the chimps take wing.

You don't want to leave the house without an umbrella.

What are you talking about?

I said a date.

I said a date.

November 15th.

One second, I just want to talk to you.

Okay.

I'm just here to hear about you helping Diane with the Miss Stuckyville pageant.

Huh? Yeah, Warren tells me you're giving her heaps of encouragement.

Yeah, so?

So, as someone who cares about her, I think you'd be doing just the opposite.

What do you mean?

You should be trying to talk her out of this stupid thing. Why?

Carol, the Miss Stuckyville pageant is exactly the kind of thing that takes

perfectly nice young women and screws them up for life.

Excuse me, Ed, but what the hell do you know about it?

Oh, I know plenty.

Want to know a dirty little secret?

A garden salad?

It's really just a salad.

Oh, no, that's great to me.

Oh, sure. See, when you're ordering, the word garden fills you with optimism,

and you start thinking, okay, it may just be a salad, but it's coming from a

garden. Then it comes, and you're just looking at regular old lettuce and

tomatoes. Yeah, occasionally you come upon a crouton, and for a few seconds

you're sitting on top of the world.

But very quickly, you're right back to lettuce and tomatoes, my friend.

Lettuce and tomatoes.

This is bacon cheeseburgers.

Very delicious, either.

Kind of terrible. It's way too bacon -y. Yeah, right.

Hey. Oh, hi, hi, hi. Having a salad.

Very nice.

Not a crouton. Those are gold.

Hey, what's up with your hair?

You got a whole dippity -doo, flippity -floppy, flippity thing going on. I

know. They just, like, sprayed it and straightened it and pooped it for me.

I kind of liked it the old way. This photographer down at the pageant, he

me about this party on Saturday night at the Franklin Hotel. You guys want to

go? Is that the photographer I saw taking your picture the other night?

lot of the pageant people will be there. That might be like a goofy change of

pace for us.

Might some of the lovely contestants actually be in attendance?

I'm just curious.

Probably so, Cheswick. I think I can squeeze that in.

Let me just quick check the old Blackberry.

I'm wide open.

Do we really want to spend the night with Vapid Beauty contestants?

You know, something I once learned how to say yes in 14 languages.

Si, wi, ya, yo, ai, da, da, ze, tak, ne, i, gen, hai, ku, ai, wa, and yes!

Is that meant for me?

No, you're just in the contest because you care about my health, right?

Awkward.

I have to go to the bathroom.

It's one french fry, Cheswick.

Bill!

At your service.

Why is there a petting zoo in my bowling alley?

Hmm.

Better ask Eli. He's in charge now.

Trying to tell me this was Eli's idea?

Well, come on, Bosco.

He must know what he's doing because he's in a wheelchair.

Oh, let's make him Phil's boss even though he has no bowling alley

because he's in a wheelchair.

Better not yell at him about the goats on lane three because he's in a

wheelchair. All right, Phil, I get it. I could be in a wheelchair if I wanted

to. I choose not to be.

Surely the petting zoo was Phil's idea, right? To try to make Eli look bad.

I prefer not to get involved in all the shenanigans.

I'll give you a lollipop. It's a good idea.

Thank you.

No, thanks. I'm allergic.

Ed keeps saying how beauty pageants can really screw a young girl up. He means

me. He means it screwed me up, among other things.

Fins, when does Ed think you're screwed up?

Fins, I said I would marry Dennis.

Ah.

Ed doesn't even really know Dennis.

Carol, honey, come on. He's just jealous.

That doesn't give him the right... To dump his attitude on me about the man

going to marry under the guise of being concerned.

Well, he probably is concerned.

I mean, it's like you said.

Ed doesn't really even know Dennis.

I mean, truth is, none of us really do.

What do you mean by that none of us do?

Nothing. Nothing. I'm just saying that none of us really know Dennis that well.

So what? You're saying I should marry Dennis either?

Is this the general...

Consensus? No, no, no. I am not saying that.

Then what are you saying? I am simply saying that it wasn't long ago you used

call Dennis Principal Jackass. Now you're marrying him. So? So you've had a

chance to connect the dots. We haven't.

Uh -huh.

Which doesn't mean we won't connect the dots. I mean, I am quite sure if you are

marrying the man, there has got to be some lovely dots to connect.

Lovely, lovely dots.

First rate, top notch, A+.

Don't. Don't.

Let me guess. That body of yours says to me, Ms. Stucky, what, circa

1990? Really? I didn't know my body spoke.

So what brings you to this lovely gathering here this evening? I'm a

They asked me to be a chaperone. Ah, to protect those young ladies from those

big bad wolves out there, huh?

Exactly. Rick Bogarty. How you doing?

I'm the host of this pageant. Have the glue that holds the whole thing

huh? Funny.

I thought I smelled glue.

I gotta go get a beverage.

Beautiful people really know how to do it up, huh? Yeah.

Is that a new dress?

I've lent it to me.

Max and Maurice, they're ridiculous.

They're always saying things like, girlfriend, you can't wear those rags on

show.

They're always saying that, like, my show.

They're really funny.

No, it's really funny.

My show.

I just got back from the Hamptons, partying with Puffy.

There's one brother who really knows how to giddy up, let me tell you.

You know Puff Daddy?

No, I don't. I don't know him. See, I'm making a point.

Because I know you girls are tired of all the guys who come on with a big rap

about who they know and what they do and where they've been.

You want to know my rap? My rap is that I have no rap.

Sorry, the name's Cheswick.

Warren Cheswick.

Yeah, God bless me, I got my feet planted firmly on this earth.

I'm real.

The way you wish all... men would be.

Excuse me, but we were on our way to the bar.

Very good.

Okay.

Actually, I do know Puff Daddy.

We used to take golf balls together.

As a matter of fact, I cheered his slice.

Look at that guy.

He looks like he's choking on a Bundt cake.

Let's dance.

What? Come on.

There's a dance floor.

Why don't you and I dance?

Because we don't dance. We stand on the side and make fun of the people who do

dance, like Bunk Cake Man over there. I know, I know, but come on.

What do you say?

What's happening with you?

Nothing. I just thought that maybe this one time, instead of standing on the

side and making fun of the people who dance, it would be more fun to actually

dance and let other losers make fun of us.

So all of a sudden we're losers? No, no, we're not losers.

Yes, we are.

We are losers, and I like being a loser because we can brood and feel things

deeply and make fun of the winners. Or have you decided to switch sides? No!

But can't we brood and feel things deeply and make fun of the winners while

we're dancing?

Hi. Oh, hi.

This is Mark.

This is George.

You mind if I steal it for a quick spin? I can't. No, go ahead.

I don't. I insist.

Take her. She likes this song.

I'll just stand back and watch.

Diane. Ed.

May I talk to you for a moment?

Sure. Do you know this guy? I'm her father.

I had her when I was 13.

I was a child star.

It's a long story. Come on.

Who's that guy?

Just some guy.

Where's Mark?

Just somewhere. Diane, maybe you should talk to her.

Miss Vessi, do you mind? I'm trying to chat with Miss Snyder. You've known each

other a while, right?

Yeah. Well, Diane, this pageant might not be the best thing for you. I

I think that you're better than this, and that maybe you should consider just

being true to what you feel. Diane, would you please give me a minute a

okay?

What do you want from me?

You.

I'm trying to protect Diane. Why does everything have to be about you?

I'm not an idiot, and you're not exactly subtle, so why don't you just say to me

whatever it is you have to say to me, and stop dragging an innocent 18 -year

-old girl into things.

Okay. I'll tell you exactly what's on my mind. Good. You keep going out with the

wrong guy.

What? You keep going out with the wrong guy. In high school, it was Troy

McCallum, the dumb jock airhead who treated you like dirt. Then it was Nick

Stanton, the self -absorbed arrogant writer who treated you like dirt. Now

Dennis Martino, the cold, angry alcoholic who treats you like dirt. Gee,

I wonder what all these great men have in common.

Go to hell.

At least I won't be marrying my way.

Shirley, you seen Phil?

Are you packing heat?

Hey, come on. You know I ain't got no gun.

Then Phil's over there.

You ain't Shirley no more. You street Shirley.

Packing heat. You gotta love it.

All right, steps.

Time to clean the bowling balls.

Why are you holding that toothbrush?

Oh, this is what you're going to use to clean them with.

Right, and then I'll clean the latrine, Sergeant.

So you saying no?

Yeah. I'm saying no.

Well, come on, man.

Let's just do this, man.

Let's just do this and get it over with. I mean, bad enough you don't even

listen to me. Then you try to get me fired with that petting zoo. You sprayed

ketchup on me for no reason. But come on, man. Let's do this. What?

Let's do this.

No. I am not going to fight you. Ow!

That hurts!

Yeah, okay. Play more with that cane. I am not... I'm serious. That really

hurts. Uh -huh. You know what? When I'm done with you, your damn face is going

to look like you with the waffle line.

Now turn around. Look, I am not... Ow! You are going to aggravate my shin

splints.

The man is in a wheelchair.

He started it. It doesn't matter. You don't fight with a man in a wheelchair.

That's bull. Come on, let us fight, man. Bet y 'all turn his ass into taffy. You

calm down, too.

Ed, can I say something in all seriousness?

What? I really don't care for Eli.

You don't have to care for him, Phil. You have to work with him, okay? And if

you pull another stunt like the petting zoo, you're out of here. And if you pull

another stunt like the ketchup, you're out of here. You two guys figure this

out, and quick.

What are you doing?

The diet.

It's over. You want to end these fries? They made a gorgeous decision back in

the kitchen to double up on the salt. What are you talking about it's over?

My diet went out the window last night at the party.

I don't get it. You were doing so well.

Well, there were factors.

What kind of factors?

One, I've been eating nothing but lettuce for two days.

Two, my relationship with Diane imploded.

And three, I was downwind of a free five -star buffet all night, which happened

to include slow -cooked barbecue ribs, my personal Achilles heel.

What did you say about you and Diane?

Well, it's all over but the weeping.

Oh, but you guys didn't actually break up last night?

No, it's only a matter of time.

Listen, Mark. No, no, no, wait a minute. You're not going to start shelling out

wisdom about women, are you?

Because honestly, right up until you nailed that hot DA a couple of years

I thought you were as gay as a French horn.

Mark, let me say this as plainly and simply as I can.

You just got to have faith. At the end of the day, she's going to do the right

thing.

What are you doing, man?

Ed.

Ed. Why do you do that?

You go into these, like, trances. It freaks me out. Maybe you have low blood

pressure or something.

You should get one of those body scans.

I got to go.

Where are you taking me? Just come on.

Ta -da!

The roof of Stucky Bowl? Not the roof of Stucky Bowl. Well, yes, the roof of

Stucky Bowl, but I need you to use your imagination.

I want you to imagine this is not the roof of Stucky Bowl. This is the top of

Mount Precipice. Why?

That's what's going to happen, right? Didn't you always want to get married on

the top of Mount Precipice? Come on.

Yeah, but, Ed, we haven't really decided where that is going to be. Come on,

that's where it's going to be. Come on.

Come on, this is what's going to happen, right? Imagine all those people out

there, you know?

You're going to be right there in the...

The big wedding dress. Dennis can right beside you in the big wedding costume.

And then your dad over there. Maybe your brother and sister over here.

What's the point?

The point is I want you to imagine what that day is going to be like. I want you

to see it, taste it, touch it, feel it.

Why can't you just let me do this?

Because you're my friend. I'm not going to stand by and watch you marry the

wrong guy.

Dennis is not the wrong guy.

This is a party that drives me crazy. And I'll tell you something else.

Watching Dan Snyder with his whole beauty pageant business makes me feel

understand where the whole thing comes from.

You know, Ed, my entire life wasn't inexorably altered as a result of one

pageant. Maybe not.

Maybe not.

You're a pretty girl, Carol.

Pretty girl.

You've always been a pretty girl. All the way back in high school, when people

thought of Carol Vesey, they thought, pretty girl.

That's all you hear, and before you know it, you start to feel that's the one

and only thing that you bring to the dance.

And so your confidence takes a hit and just starts to erode piece by piece,

every day, invisibly, silently, so you don't write your novel.

You never leave Stuckyville.

And you wind up with guys like Troy and Nick and Dennis because you feel like

you don't deserve any better.

Why are you doing this?

Give me that old time religion.

Give me that old time religion.

Give me that old time religion.

It's good enough for me.

Somebody get her some old time religion, please.

Oh, yeah.

Is she burning up this stage or what? In this kind of heat. I think Dan Quayle

would probably miss Bell Popsicle, huh?

You suck to high heaven.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

All right. Now it's time for our final contestant of the evening. How about a

nice, warm welcome, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Diane Snyder. How about

hand for her?

Yeah.

Make her feel welcome. Come on.

I'd like to recite Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken.

Bobby Frost.

Excellent choice.

diverged in a yellow wood and sorry I could not travel both and be one

long I stood and looked down one as far as I could to where it bent in the

undergrowth

I guess she's trying to sell it. Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I put the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.

The winner of the Miss Stuckyville pageant is eligible to go on to compete

the North County pageant coming up next month and perhaps then be eligible to

compete in the state pageant. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you know what we are?

What?

Two alpha dogs.

And you know when two alpha dogs come together, they be tanning each other up.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Because they're smart.

They're both natural born leaders. And when they get together, they fight.

But when they band together, it's a wrap.

They'll be running the whole damn planet before too long.

Bossing humans around like little ants or something.

So how about it, man?

How about us two alpha dogs taking over the world?

Hey.

Can you teach me that whole black guy soul shake thing you guys do?

What's this?

That's it?

Yeah, that's it.

Hey.

Hey.

Sorry I lost.

Just a goof, right?

Yeah.

Mark, I want to tell you something.

Wait. I'm a large man. It takes me longer to brace myself for bad news.

The other night I went out for coffee with George.

Still bracing.

Nothing happened.

I don't even like the guy.

You know, this whole pageant thing has made me a little nutty.

For the first time in my life, people actually paid attention to me.

How was it?

It was fun.

Can I ask you something, Diane?

Yeah.

Why did you want me to go on a diet?

Because I want you to be healthy.

It's not because you're getting tired of dating the fat kid?

I'm not dating the fat kid.

I'm dating you.

You're the greatest.

Hi.

Hi.

I made her lose.

What I made Diane get eliminated from the pageant Why

Because I didn't think that continuing on would be good for her

Really

You have to stop.

Stop what?

Stop saying the things you said to me up on the roof the other night.

Why?

Because I'm right?

About some of it.

And what part aren't I right about?

The part about Dennis.

You're really going to go through with this, aren't you?

I am desperate for you to accept that.

Why?

Because if you don't,

it's the end of us.

Okay, then.

Okay, then what?

Good luck, Carol.

Really?

You mean that?