All language subtitles for Ed s03e02 Miss Stuckeyville

Previously on Ed... Where are you going?
Do you think I'm going to hang around

here and wait for you to walk back and
forth? Ed, Dennis. Ed, Dennis. You got

the wrong guy.

Let's get married.

So how many guests are you going to
invite?

Um, I think we're going to have a pretty
small wedding. 40, 50, something like

that. What kind of magic are you going
to have?

We haven't decided yet.

You're still making the mistake Nancy
and I did.

Nancy and I? It was your stupid idea.

What? Mike hired these Beatles
lookalikes called the Fab Four.

It was the most impressive thing I've
ever seen. They had a Chinese ringo. I

trying to be postmodern.

Hey, where's your ring?

Oh, you know, I haven't really started
wearing it yet. Why not?

What did you tell Ed?

Right. When are you going to do that? I
don't know.

I've been meaning to stop by there, but
I'm just too nervous.

If you want, I'll tell him for you. No,
you can't.

None of you can. Promise me. It has to
come from me.

Ben, you better tell him soon.

All right, this is getting ridiculous. I
will stop by there today after school.

Good. Maria was not Chinese. The man was
a full -blooded Hawaiian.

I'm in the sky tonight.

There I can keep by your side,

watching the wide world.

Is that a ding -dong?

No, it's a ring -ding.

Is that your breakfast?

It's only part of it.

On the way to school, I ate a ding
-dong.

You ever think about having cereal
instead of that junk food?

What junk food? This is pastry. For
centuries, civilized people have enjoyed

wholesome pastries for breakfast.

Le croissant. Le brie horse.

Hey, Mark.

What? I'm worried about you.

What are you talking about? Look, I
have...

Always stop short of freaking this out,
because I don't want to upset you, and I

don't want to be a nag, but you are just
way too... heavy.

And you've got to start doing something
about it. Hey, you two. Get your tie out

of each other's throats and say the
Playboy grotto.

Warren, Diane seems to think I've got a
weight problem.

Really? Yeah. Do I look big to you? I
don't know. Turn around for a sec.

Uh -oh.

No, I'm not seeing it.

Be sure, because if I'm overweight, I
want to know. No, you're fine.

I think you're being pulled by the
horizontal stripe.

Stretches you out.

Stubbs.

Stubbs.

Yes, Eli? Oh, no, you look at me when I
address your ass.

How may my ass be of service?

That snack bar grill looked scary.

It looks like it hasn't been cleaned
since the Cretaceous period.

The Cretaceous? The what? I'm sorry, I'm
not up on all the current hip -hop

lingo. Look, just clean the grill, okay?

Eli, you're new here, so let me help
orientation you.

Every day after lunch, we enjoy a
fiesta.

To work now would be to disrespect Ed's
Mexican heritage.

Look, everyone is working. Ed is
working, I'm working, Shirley is

at her.

Shaka -kan, shaka -kan, shaka -shaka
-shaka -shaka -kan.

All right, fine.

I'll clean the grill.

Good. Just as soon as I finish savoring
Beetle Bailey's latest run -in with

Sarge.

Hey, I'm going to kill him, man.

Okay.

Whoa.

Hey, Snyder.

Check it out. They're taking
applications for the Mrs. Duckyville

So you better sign up or you're going to
miss the deadline.

I'm serious. Come on, you're a fox. You
should totally go for it.

What do you think, Banneker? I would
kill to say that.

Ryan Snyder up on stage, shaking a chunk
around.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Geek Stucky
Hill.

What?

I'm a geek. I can call you a geek, same
way black people call each other the N

-word.

YouTube bonus heads just gave me a great
idea.

What? I'll sign up for the Miss Stucky
Hill pageant, if Mark goes on a diet.

Oh, come on.

This is awesome.

I'm serious.

You'd really do that?

Absolutely. I'll sign up today.

How about it?

You're on.

This is going to be so sweet.

Sure you want to do that?

What do you mean?

From everything I know about you, this
Duckyville pageant kind of seems like

Diane Snyder version of hell.

No, I don't care.

It's okay.

Okay, well, you're going to have at
least one judge on your side.

Who's that?

Carol Vesey.

Also known as Miss Duckyville 1988.

Really? Yeah, that didn't surprise me
one bit.

She's so hot as a middle -aged woman. I
tremble to think how bootylicious she

must have been when she was young.

Hi, kids.

Yeah, I was just talking about Ann
-Margaret.

How hot she is. Ed.

Yeah? Could I talk to you for a minute,
alone?

Sure.

Idiots.

So, uh, what's going down?

Going down?

Um... Just that.

You know, just that.

The other thing.

How's Denny?

Dennis is out of town. He's at a
teacher's conference. Oh.

Dennis is at a teacher's conference.

Yes, indeedy.

How are things going here at the old
Stucky Bowl?

Here? Yeah.

Dino might. Dino might.

I still love that.

Yeah. You okay? Yeah, yeah. You seem a
little nervous. No, I'm not nervous at

all. Just enjoying that dynamite.

Something you want to talk about?

Yeah. Okay.

I wanted to know if you wanted to get
together for a drink tomorrow night.

Drink? Yeah, drink.

Yeah, okay, sure.

Thought we could catch up.

Sounds great, yeah.

Smiling goat, 8 o 'clock? Good, yeah.

I will see you there.

Okay. Right, good.

Bye.

In conclusion, though his journey from
wistfully goatee Gen X poster boy to

distinguished man of letters has not
been an easy one, I believe that Ethan

Hawke has given us the first great novel
of the 21st century.

That's it.

Thank you, Warren.

We'll hear the rest of your book reports
tomorrow.

Have you seen Trinidad?

You can't reach me.

Diane, can you hang on a sec?

Yeah, what's up, Miss Bessie?

I heard...

You signed up for the pageant.

Yeah, but don't get the wrong idea. I'm
kind of doing it on a dare.

Yeah, I thought it might be something
like that.

But I think it's great.

You do?

Yeah, I do.

Hey, uh, no offense, Miss Bessie, but I
can't believe you were Miss Duckyville.

Why not? I don't know. You just seem
cooler than that.

Oh, well, thank you, Diane, but to be
perfectly honest, It was a lot of fun.

Really? Yeah, I mean, all the dressing
up and the parties. It was stupid fun,

but it was fun nonetheless.

I have to say, I think it could be good
for you. It wouldn't kill you to open up

a little.

Okay.

You're making me start to reconsider
that cool thing. Diane?

What's your talent going to be?

I'm going to recite Howl by Allen
Ginsberg.

Ah, I see. See, you're in your super
ironic, sarcastic mode. Not the most

original approach, but hey, it worked
for Daria.

Yeah, I've never even seen that show.

I thought that if you wanted some
advice, that you'd know where to find

Thanks, Miss Vessi.

But I don't think that'll be necessary.

Carmilla, I thought I asked you not to
keep the tongue depressors in Eve's

mayonnaise jar.

It's okay.

I sterilize it, Dr.

Barton. Yeah, that's great. I just don't
like the way it looks to the patients.

Why not?

Everybody likes mayonnaise.

Mike, Mike.

Hey. You're not going to believe this.
Hey, Carmela. Hello.

What happened? Carol came to see me,
right? She's totally nervous. She's

like a leaf. Yeah.

And she asked me out for a drink. She
did? Yeah.

Yeah. It's finally happening, Mike. Just
the way I knew it would. What is?

She's leaving Dennis.

She is? Yeah.

Yeah, and it all goes back to the kiss I
kissed her, right? I plant the old

seeds of doubt. She fought it all
summer. Now she can't fight no more.

She has succumbed, my friend.

Say, are you sure you're not jumping to
conclusions?

What? I'm just saying, maybe that's not
why she wants to see you.

Of course that's why she wants to see
me. Why else would she want to see me?

Dennis is out of town. The lady is
making her move.

Right.

Well, just don't get your hopes up,
okay?

Whatever you say, Dr.

Bringdown. I'll see you later.

Bye.

Lovely as a summer day, my Shirley
Moore.

You're distant as a Milky Way, my
Shirley.

I cleaned it yesterday.

The hell you did?

Hey, Stucky Boss, I got a personnel
issue.

What's that, Eli? I gotta fire Phil.

Can't fire Phil.

Why, he your nephew?

No, Phil's not my nephew.

Why can't I fire him? He doesn't do
anything. He doesn't slink around here

he's Wally Coyote car -carrying genius.

Yeah, I know.

Well, then why can't I fire him? Because
Eli, Phil sort of came with the place.

Once you've known him a while, he
actually starts to grow on you.

Well, how's he gonna grow on me when he
doesn't listen to a damn thing I say?

Phil! Listen to Eli.

Gotta go.

Hey, Carol.

Ed, hi.

You look nice.

Thanks, so do you.

Should we get a table?

After you.

Here we are.

Here we are.

How's your drink?

It's good. Refreshing.

Fizzy.

So?

So?

So how about Diane Snyder, the world's
least likely Mr. Stuckeyville candidate?

I think it's a good idea, actually.

You do?

Yeah.

Boost her confidence a bit.

I don't know. All those little would -be
beauty queens trying to out -pretty one

another.

Diana's actually very attractive. She
plays it down, but she might actually

more fun in her life if she didn't.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Why are we here?

You have something to tell me?

Yes. All right.

Ed. Yeah.

Dennis and I.

Uh -huh.

That's hilarious.

Ed,

I'm serious about this. You're not
marrying Dennis Martino. Yes, I am.

This is Carol Martino.

Ed,

I can't believe this.

You can't believe it.

I don't know what you're trying to
prove, but you lied.

on yourself.

Ed, I mean it.

I'm marrying Dennis.

No, it's cool.

What's your name?

Diane. Me too.

I don't believe it. That is so random.

Yeah, it's like scientific proof of
God's existence.

Yeah.

Hey, how you doing? Hey, Diane. Have you
met Mr. Bogarty? He's the host.

Rick Bogarty. How you doing?

He's a comedian.

Oh, really?

Yeah, see? You better laugh, see? Okay,
see?

That's all you got, huh? All right. I'll
let you off the hook this time.

Only because you're a cutie. Good luck,
kid.

Get ready to smile. Here comes George.

George? He's the photographer.

Who's the new girl?

I am Diane.

Such a pretty girl.

With such a sadly limited fashion sense.

What?

Take off the played -out Lisa Lowe
glasses.

Smile, would you, please?

Gorgeous. Thank you.

Oh, my God, he called you gorgeous.

Is this really happening, or am I, like,
jacked into the Matrix or something?

Hi, Diane. Hi, Mark.

Who is that?

Some photographer. This is so weird.

I can't believe you're making me do
this. All right, girls, it's time for

rehearsal. Let's go.

Come on, let's go.

Okay, you're going to pay for this?

I already am.

Rice cake.

Eli, be a dear and pass the ketchup.

Here you go.

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

You cannot go around squirting ketchup
at people.

Why not?

This is my workplace, and you are
violating my civil rights.

Ed said I can't fire you, so I'm going
to make you quit.

Oh, okay, that's your game? Well, that
is never going to happen, so you can

forget about that right now.

Hey! Stop it!

I can do this all day.

Well, you know what? You be my guest.

Hi, what's up?

Remember when you offered to help me out
with the pageant and I got all snotty

and told you to take a hike?

Uh -huh.

Um, I think I really could use some help
after all.

Really?

Oh, what made you change your mind?

Well, I figure as long as I'm in the
thing, there's really no point in me

a fool of myself. I mean, if I get up
there wearing baggy pants and responding

to poetry, I'm just going to look like a
pretentious jackass. Good point.

So, where do you want to start? How
about the talent portion?

Okay, great.

What do you got? Sing, dance, juggle,
what?

Well, I guess I kind of do sing a little
bit. No, that's good. Let me hear

something. I don't know. I don't think
that's a good idea.

Come on.

I feared my heart would beat in secrecy.

going to keep going with this marrying
Dennis bit? I don't think it's a bit.

Come on, Mike.

I think she's really going to marry
Dennis.

What? Mike, please, this is Carol Vessi
we're talking about.

Yeah, and?

And after all the time I spent with her,
I'd like to think I know the woman.

Okay, and?

And the woman I know is too good, too
smart, Mike. She's too everything.

Screw up her life by marrying a jerk
like Dennis.

Yeah, but didn't you think Nick was a
jerk? What about good old Troy McCallum

from back in high school? Pretty much
every guy she's ever dated.

Key word, dated, not married. So?

So, this is like what we're talking
about.

We're talking about kids, grandchildren,
growing old together.

We're not going to do it, Mike. The
monkeys will fly before Cal are

married. November 15th.

What?

Mark your calendar, Eric, because that's
the day the chimps take wing.

You don't want to leave the house
without an umbrella.

What are you talking about?

I said a date.

I said a date.

November 15th.

One second, I just want to talk to you.

Okay.

I'm just here to hear about you helping
Diane with the Miss Stuckyville pageant.

Huh? Yeah, Warren tells me you're giving
her heaps of encouragement.

Yeah, so?

So, as someone who cares about her, I
think you'd be doing just the opposite.

What do you mean?

You should be trying to talk her out of
this stupid thing. Why?

Carol, the Miss Stuckyville pageant is
exactly the kind of thing that takes

perfectly nice young women and screws
them up for life.

Excuse me, Ed, but what the hell do you
know about it?

Oh, I know plenty.

Want to know a dirty little secret?

A garden salad?

It's really just a salad.

Oh, no, that's great to me.

Oh, sure. See, when you're ordering, the
word garden fills you with optimism,

and you start thinking, okay, it may
just be a salad, but it's coming from a

garden. Then it comes, and you're just
looking at regular old lettuce and

tomatoes. Yeah, occasionally you come
upon a crouton, and for a few seconds

you're sitting on top of the world.

But very quickly, you're right back to
lettuce and tomatoes, my friend.

Lettuce and tomatoes.

This is bacon cheeseburgers.

Very delicious, either.

Kind of terrible. It's way too bacon -y.
Yeah, right.

Hey. Oh, hi, hi, hi. Having a salad.

Very nice.

Not a crouton. Those are gold.

Hey, what's up with your hair?

You got a whole dippity -doo, flippity
-floppy, flippity thing going on. I

know. They just, like, sprayed it and
straightened it and pooped it for me.

I kind of liked it the old way. This
photographer down at the pageant, he

me about this party on Saturday night at
the Franklin Hotel. You guys want to

go? Is that the photographer I saw
taking your picture the other night?

lot of the pageant people will be there.
That might be like a goofy change of

pace for us.

Might some of the lovely contestants
actually be in attendance?

I'm just curious.

Probably so, Cheswick. I think I can
squeeze that in.

Let me just quick check the old
Blackberry.

I'm wide open.

Do we really want to spend the night
with Vapid Beauty contestants?

You know, something I once learned how
to say yes in 14 languages.

Si, wi, ya, yo, ai, da, da, ze, tak, ne,
i, gen, hai, ku, ai, wa, and yes!

Is that meant for me?

No, you're just in the contest because
you care about my health, right?

Awkward.

I have to go to the bathroom.

It's one french fry, Cheswick.

Bill!

At your service.

Why is there a petting zoo in my bowling
alley?

Hmm.

Better ask Eli. He's in charge now.

Trying to tell me this was Eli's idea?

Well, come on, Bosco.

He must know what he's doing because
he's in a wheelchair.

Oh, let's make him Phil's boss even
though he has no bowling alley

because he's in a wheelchair.

Better not yell at him about the goats
on lane three because he's in a

wheelchair. All right, Phil, I get it. I
could be in a wheelchair if I wanted

to. I choose not to be.

Surely the petting zoo was Phil's idea,
right? To try to make Eli look bad.

I prefer not to get involved in all the
shenanigans.

I'll give you a lollipop. It's a good
idea.

Thank you.

No, thanks. I'm allergic.

Ed keeps saying how beauty pageants can
really screw a young girl up. He means

me. He means it screwed me up, among
other things.

Fins, when does Ed think you're screwed
up?

Fins, I said I would marry Dennis.

Ah.

Ed doesn't even really know Dennis.

Carol, honey, come on. He's just
jealous.

That doesn't give him the right... To
dump his attitude on me about the man

going to marry under the guise of being
concerned.

Well, he probably is concerned.

I mean, it's like you said.

Ed doesn't really even know Dennis.

I mean, truth is, none of us really do.

What do you mean by that none of us do?

Nothing. Nothing. I'm just saying that
none of us really know Dennis that well.

So what? You're saying I should marry
Dennis either?

Is this the general...

Consensus? No, no, no. I am not saying
that.

Then what are you saying? I am simply
saying that it wasn't long ago you used

call Dennis Principal Jackass. Now
you're marrying him. So? So you've had a

chance to connect the dots. We haven't.

Uh -huh.

Which doesn't mean we won't connect the
dots. I mean, I am quite sure if you are

marrying the man, there has got to be
some lovely dots to connect.

Lovely, lovely dots.

First rate, top notch, A+.

Don't. Don't.

Let me guess. That body of yours says to
me, Ms. Stucky, what, circa

1990? Really? I didn't know my body
spoke.

So what brings you to this lovely
gathering here this evening? I'm a

They asked me to be a chaperone. Ah, to
protect those young ladies from those

big bad wolves out there, huh?

Exactly. Rick Bogarty. How you doing?

I'm the host of this pageant. Have the
glue that holds the whole thing

huh? Funny.

I thought I smelled glue.

I gotta go get a beverage.

Beautiful people really know how to do
it up, huh? Yeah.

Is that a new dress?

I've lent it to me.

Max and Maurice, they're ridiculous.

They're always saying things like,
girlfriend, you can't wear those rags on

show.

They're always saying that, like, my
show.

They're really funny.

No, it's really funny.

My show.

I just got back from the Hamptons,
partying with Puffy.

There's one brother who really knows how
to giddy up, let me tell you.

You know Puff Daddy?

No, I don't. I don't know him. See, I'm
making a point.

Because I know you girls are tired of
all the guys who come on with a big rap

about who they know and what they do and
where they've been.

You want to know my rap? My rap is that
I have no rap.

Sorry, the name's Cheswick.

Warren Cheswick.

Yeah, God bless me, I got my feet
planted firmly on this earth.

I'm real.

The way you wish all... men would be.

Excuse me, but we were on our way to the
bar.

Very good.

Okay.

Actually, I do know Puff Daddy.

We used to take golf balls together.

As a matter of fact, I cheered his
slice.

Look at that guy.

He looks like he's choking on a Bundt
cake.

Let's dance.

What? Come on.

There's a dance floor.

Why don't you and I dance?

Because we don't dance. We stand on the
side and make fun of the people who do

dance, like Bunk Cake Man over there. I
know, I know, but come on.

What do you say?

What's happening with you?

Nothing. I just thought that maybe this
one time, instead of standing on the

side and making fun of the people who
dance, it would be more fun to actually

dance and let other losers make fun of
us.

So all of a sudden we're losers? No, no,
we're not losers.

Yes, we are.

We are losers, and I like being a loser
because we can brood and feel things

deeply and make fun of the winners. Or
have you decided to switch sides? No!

But can't we brood and feel things
deeply and make fun of the winners while

we're dancing?

Hi. Oh, hi.

This is Mark.

This is George.

You mind if I steal it for a quick spin?
I can't. No, go ahead.

I don't. I insist.

Take her. She likes this song.

I'll just stand back and watch.

Diane. Ed.

May I talk to you for a moment?

Sure. Do you know this guy? I'm her
father.

I had her when I was 13.

I was a child star.

It's a long story. Come on.

Who's that guy?

Just some guy.

Where's Mark?

Just somewhere. Diane, maybe you should
talk to her.

Miss Vessi, do you mind? I'm trying to
chat with Miss Snyder. You've known each

other a while, right?

Yeah. Well, Diane, this pageant might
not be the best thing for you. I

I think that you're better than this,
and that maybe you should consider just

being true to what you feel. Diane,
would you please give me a minute a

okay?

What do you want from me?

You.

I'm trying to protect Diane. Why does
everything have to be about you?

I'm not an idiot, and you're not exactly
subtle, so why don't you just say to me

whatever it is you have to say to me,
and stop dragging an innocent 18 -year

-old girl into things.

Okay. I'll tell you exactly what's on my
mind. Good. You keep going out with the

wrong guy.

What? You keep going out with the wrong
guy. In high school, it was Troy

McCallum, the dumb jock airhead who
treated you like dirt. Then it was Nick

Stanton, the self -absorbed arrogant
writer who treated you like dirt. Now

Dennis Martino, the cold, angry
alcoholic who treats you like dirt. Gee,

I wonder what all these great men have
in common.

Go to hell.

At least I won't be marrying my way.

Shirley, you seen Phil?

Are you packing heat?

Hey, come on. You know I ain't got no
gun.

Then Phil's over there.

You ain't Shirley no more. You street
Shirley.

Packing heat. You gotta love it.

All right, steps.

Time to clean the bowling balls.

Why are you holding that toothbrush?

Oh, this is what you're going to use to
clean them with.

Right, and then I'll clean the latrine,
Sergeant.

So you saying no?

Yeah. I'm saying no.

Well, come on, man.

Let's just do this, man.

Let's just do this and get it over with.
I mean, bad enough you don't even

listen to me. Then you try to get me
fired with that petting zoo. You sprayed

ketchup on me for no reason. But come
on, man. Let's do this. What?

Let's do this.

No. I am not going to fight you. Ow!

That hurts!

Yeah, okay. Play more with that cane. I
am not... I'm serious. That really

hurts. Uh -huh. You know what? When I'm
done with you, your damn face is going

to look like you with the waffle line.

Now turn around. Look, I am not... Ow!
You are going to aggravate my shin

splints.

The man is in a wheelchair.

He started it. It doesn't matter. You
don't fight with a man in a wheelchair.

That's bull. Come on, let us fight, man.
Bet y 'all turn his ass into taffy. You

calm down, too.

Ed, can I say something in all
seriousness?

What? I really don't care for Eli.

You don't have to care for him, Phil.
You have to work with him, okay? And if

you pull another stunt like the petting
zoo, you're out of here. And if you pull

another stunt like the ketchup, you're
out of here. You two guys figure this

out, and quick.

What are you doing?

The diet.

It's over. You want to end these fries?
They made a gorgeous decision back in

the kitchen to double up on the salt.
What are you talking about it's over?

My diet went out the window last night
at the party.

I don't get it. You were doing so well.

Well, there were factors.

What kind of factors?

One, I've been eating nothing but
lettuce for two days.

Two, my relationship with Diane
imploded.

And three, I was downwind of a free five
-star buffet all night, which happened

to include slow -cooked barbecue ribs,
my personal Achilles heel.

What did you say about you and Diane?

Well, it's all over but the weeping.

Oh, but you guys didn't actually break
up last night?

No, it's only a matter of time.

Listen, Mark. No, no, no, wait a minute.
You're not going to start shelling out

wisdom about women, are you?

Because honestly, right up until you
nailed that hot DA a couple of years

I thought you were as gay as a French
horn.

Mark, let me say this as plainly and
simply as I can.

You just got to have faith. At the end
of the day, she's going to do the right

thing.

What are you doing, man?

Ed.

Ed. Why do you do that?

You go into these, like, trances. It
freaks me out. Maybe you have low blood

pressure or something.

You should get one of those body scans.

I got to go.

Where are you taking me? Just come on.

Ta -da!

The roof of Stucky Bowl? Not the roof of
Stucky Bowl. Well, yes, the roof of

Stucky Bowl, but I need you to use your
imagination.

I want you to imagine this is not the
roof of Stucky Bowl. This is the top of

Mount Precipice. Why?

That's what's going to happen, right?
Didn't you always want to get married on

the top of Mount Precipice? Come on.

Yeah, but, Ed, we haven't really decided
where that is going to be. Come on,

that's where it's going to be. Come on.

Come on, this is what's going to happen,
right? Imagine all those people out

there, you know?

You're going to be right there in the...

The big wedding dress. Dennis can right
beside you in the big wedding costume.

And then your dad over there. Maybe your
brother and sister over here.

What's the point?

The point is I want you to imagine what
that day is going to be like. I want you

to see it, taste it, touch it, feel it.

Why can't you just let me do this?

Because you're my friend. I'm not going
to stand by and watch you marry the

wrong guy.

Dennis is not the wrong guy.

This is a party that drives me crazy.
And I'll tell you something else.

Watching Dan Snyder with his whole
beauty pageant business makes me feel

understand where the whole thing comes
from.

You know, Ed, my entire life wasn't
inexorably altered as a result of one

pageant. Maybe not.

Maybe not.

You're a pretty girl, Carol.

Pretty girl.

You've always been a pretty girl. All
the way back in high school, when people

thought of Carol Vesey, they thought,
pretty girl.

That's all you hear, and before you know
it, you start to feel that's the one

and only thing that you bring to the
dance.

And so your confidence takes a hit and
just starts to erode piece by piece,

every day, invisibly, silently, so you
don't write your novel.

You never leave Stuckyville.

And you wind up with guys like Troy and
Nick and Dennis because you feel like

you don't deserve any better.

Why are you doing this?

Give me that old time religion.

Give me that old time religion.

Give me that old time religion.

It's good enough for me.

Somebody get her some old time religion,
please.

Oh, yeah.

Is she burning up this stage or what? In
this kind of heat. I think Dan Quayle

would probably miss Bell Popsicle, huh?

You suck to high heaven.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

All right. Now it's time for our final
contestant of the evening. How about a

nice, warm welcome, ladies and
gentlemen, Miss Diane Snyder. How about

hand for her?

Yeah.

Make her feel welcome. Come on.

I'd like to recite Robert Frost's The
Road Not Taken.

Bobby Frost.

Excellent choice.

diverged in a yellow wood and sorry I
could not travel both and be one

long I stood and looked down one as far
as I could to where it bent in the

undergrowth

I guess she's trying to sell it. Two
roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I put the one less traveled by, and that
has made all the difference.

The winner of the Miss Stuckyville
pageant is eligible to go on to compete

the North County pageant coming up next
month and perhaps then be eligible to

compete in the state pageant. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you know what we are?

What?

Two alpha dogs.

And you know when two alpha dogs come
together, they be tanning each other up.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Because they're smart.

They're both natural born leaders. And
when they get together, they fight.

But when they band together, it's a
wrap.

They'll be running the whole damn planet
before too long.

Bossing humans around like little ants
or something.

So how about it, man?

How about us two alpha dogs taking over
the world?

Hey.

Can you teach me that whole black guy
soul shake thing you guys do?

What's this?

That's it?

Yeah, that's it.

Hey.

Hey.

Sorry I lost.

Just a goof, right?

Yeah.

Mark, I want to tell you something.

Wait. I'm a large man. It takes me
longer to brace myself for bad news.

The other night I went out for coffee
with George.

Still bracing.

Nothing happened.

I don't even like the guy.

You know, this whole pageant thing has
made me a little nutty.

For the first time in my life, people
actually paid attention to me.

How was it?

It was fun.

Can I ask you something, Diane?

Yeah.

Why did you want me to go on a diet?

Because I want you to be healthy.

It's not because you're getting tired of
dating the fat kid?

I'm not dating the fat kid.

I'm dating you.

You're the greatest.

Hi.

Hi.

I made her lose.

What I made Diane get eliminated from
the pageant Why

Because I didn't think that continuing
on would be good for her

Really

You have to stop.

Stop what?

Stop saying the things you said to me up
on the roof the other night.

Why?

Because I'm right?

About some of it.

And what part aren't I right about?

The part about Dennis.

You're really going to go through with
this, aren't you?

I am desperate for you to accept that.

Why?

Because if you don't,

it's the end of us.

Okay, then.

Okay, then what?

Good luck, Carol.

Really?

You mean that?