All language subtitles for Ed s02e20 Power Of The Person

True, please.

Maybe a little peace with today.

You dare to dream.

Hey, Mike.

Yeah? See that guy over there? Yeah.

Ten bucks if you can get his autograph.

His autograph?

That's right, but here's the thing.

You gotta act like you think he's Kenny
Rogers.

Excuse me.

Yeah. Kenny.

Mr. Rogers.

Sir, I was wondering if I could have
your autograph.

I'm not Kenny Rogers.

Oh.

Okay. Look, I hate to bother you,
especially at lunch, but I am a huge

you could just make out the mic.

Best wishes, Kenny Rogers.

Or the gambler.

Either one.

I'm not him, okay?

I'm not Kenny Rogers.

Right. Of course not.

Uh -huh. Uh -huh. Look, just give me the
autograph, and I will leave you alone.

That a boy. Gotta give back to the fans.

I don't believe this.

Come on, be a guy, Kenny.

When it's my moment in the sun

Oh, how beautiful I

But in a normal sort of way.

Like I am you and you are I.

the newspaper for the high school quiz
bowl. What's high school quiz bowl?

Are you serious?

Yeah, what is it, a game show?

I can't believe you've never heard of
it. It's a big interscholastic

competition. It's on TV and everything.
Yeah, well, nobody mentioned it to me.

Who's supposed to handle it?

Well, Mr.

Grandizio used to coach our team. The
late Mr. Grandizio?

Yeah. Looks like you're going to need
another coach. You want to do it?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

But I know someone who might. Who?

Ed. Ed?

Yeah, Ed.

Why Ed?

Because... He was quiz bowl champion our
senior year.

You know what? He still keeps the trophy
in his office.

Does he now?

Yes. I think he'd really be into it.

Does it matter that he's not a member of
the faculty?

I don't see why it should. Mr.

Grandizio was retired the last few years
he did it.

Sounds good to me.

Here's your omelet.

How many eggs did you put in here?

Seven.

Why?

Just felt like making a giant omelet.

I love my black ass.

You know why?

Because I'm excited.

If you didn't have Don King, you'd have
to invent him.

That man right there is the smartest man
ever to walk the earth.

Bing Rains?

Don King.

You think he's smarter than Einstein?

Let me put it this way, Kenneth. If Don
King and Einstein played chess, Einstein

might win the game. But Don King would
own the board, own all the pieces, and

walk away with a million bucks in ticket
sales. Now, you tell me who's smarter.

Hey, guys. Is that around?

I'm going to learn everything there is
to know about Mr. Donald King, how he

rose from the streets of Cleveland to
become the greatest boxing promoter in

history, and I'm going to replicate that
feat right here in Stuckyville.

They have very similar hairdos.

Don King and Einstein.

Looks fluffy.

Of course they'll do it. I love quiz
ball.

Did I ever show you this?

Quiz ball trophy.

I've seen it. It's gorgeous.

I was MVP of the year Stucky Vihai won
the championship.

I know. That's why. I'll never forget my
winning question.

Which president of the United States was
nicknamed Old Hickory? Andrew Jackson,

baby. Kiss my Christastic ass.

Sorry. I love quiz ball.

Listen, Ed, there's this one kid, Gary
Morton, who could use a little special

attention. Oh, yeah? Why is that? Well,
he's always slinking around alone,

depressed. I tried to get him involved
in some things. He just doesn't seem

interested. Right.

But I managed to get him to go out for
quiz bowl, and the concept of being on

seemed to really appeal to him. Of
course.

Yeah. So if you don't mind, give him a
little extra encouragement, would you?

You got it.

How many stomachs does a cow have? Fong,
four. A cow has four stomachs. Woo

-hoo! Who the quiz man?

You the quiz man.

Sorry, I just love quiz bowl.

Hey. He's here.

A couple of traveling vacuum cleaners.

Hey, hey, are we dressed okay?

I could go home and change. I just don't
want to disrespect the Sabbath. Calm

down. You're fine.

Mom!

Okay, I got it.

This is Warren and Mark. Welcome.

Shabbat shalom. Shabbat shalom. Shabbat
shalom. Good evening.

Honey, the kids are here.

I'll be right down.

Guys, make yourselves at home.

Diane, would you help me with the
candles? Sure.

Hey, hey, should we be bowing or like
kneeling or something? No, just chill

a second.

Okay.

Here, put these on.

Oh, thank you.

Your head.

bathed in the glow of the Sabbath
candles.

She's perfect.

She's yours for the taking, yet you do
nothing.

Shut up, Vanagor.

Do I look okay?

You look like Yentl.

Hi, guys. Come on in. Have a seat. Mr.
Stevens should be here any minute.

Gary?

Do you want to come in and join us?

Here he is now.

Afternoon, Miss Feshy. Kids?

Guys, this is Mr. Stevens, former Quiz
Bowl champion and your new coach.

Thank you. Show of hands.

How many people have competed in Quiz
Bowl before?

What's your name?

Gary.

Gary. Gary.

You're a very lucky man. You know why?
No. Because everybody but you has got a

thousand bad lessons in quiz ball
strategy to unlearn. For instance, when

proper time to buzz in? I don't know.

Anybody? When you know the answer.
Wrong. You should buzz in as soon as you

think you know the answer. Between the
time you buzz in and the time you speak,

you have at least two to three seconds
to formulate your response.

But what if you're wrong? If you're
wrong, you shouldn't have buzzed in in

first place. But you just said... Let's
not get ahead of ourselves. Got to learn

to walk before we can run. Right, Gary?

I guess so.

Right. Now, we have a lot to accomplish.

But I want to tell you guys, it's going
to be worth the effort.

I promise you, right now, each and every
one of you is going to get a chance to

compete in the tournament. All right?
There are no bench warmers here.

plays.

Now, if you split up into groups of
three, we'll get started.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Kenneth, Shirley, say hello to the
future of heavyweight boxing. Put your

together for Roy and Carl.

Come on.

Hey, can I smoke in here?

Well, you know better than that. You're
the good guy. Remember, the good guy

doesn't smoke.

Carl, you go ahead and line up.

You guys professional boxers? No, we're
dock workers.

He's a longshoreman. I'm a stevedore.
Gentlemen, please, stick to your phony

backstories. Carl was born in Soviet
Russia, where they used cutting -edge

technology to breed the perfect boxer.
Today, he's known as the Irish Prince.

You just said that he was born in
Russia.

Yeah, but then he moved to Ireland,
where he became a prince.

Didn't you, Carl?

One of them.

And over here, Deadly Roy, a former
Green Beret who created the beloved

One Day at a Time.

Do you know Bonnie Franklin?

Yeah. Great broad.

Huh?

Good work. All right. Good job today,
everyone. Good job.

We'll work on some buzzer work next,
okay? Take care. Keep plugging that,

All right. See you guys later. Be good
now. Oh, hey, Gary.

Gary, hang back for a second.

Yeah?

I'm really glad you decided to do this.

Really? Yeah. And you can help this
team.

Wow, thanks.

Third president of the United States.

Adams.

Jefferson.

George Jefferson?

No. Thomas Jefferson.

I'm just kidding. I'm not that stupid.

And all the rituals, the tradition, you
know, the candles, the wine, the crazy

lingo. It's like the Sniders, the
smokers. dimension to their lives. It's

religion, dumbass. Act like you never
even heard of it. Why'd you get into it?

Why'd you get a market man when he's
having a spiritual awakening?

Awakening? Yes, awakening. Last night, I
realized how much I've been missing. I

have led a godless life. Do you realize
that? Wait a second. Your parents

brought you up without any religion at
all? Nothing. Nothing?

Oh, yeah, a Christmas tree. I had a
thunderous burn in the living room.

all I got.

Hey, Mark, you know what I'm gonna do?

What? I'm gonna find myself a faith.

I'm going to check them all out and see
which one fits me the best. Don't be

stupid. You can't pick a religion like
you pick a pair of khakis. Oh, yeah? Why

not? The only reason you're Catholic is
because your parents are.

At least I'm doing some research.

Hey, boys.

Oh, hey, Diane.

I want to talk to somebody about
Judaism.

Really? Yes. I want to know if it's
right for me.

It's young crap. No, no, no. Hey, come
on. I'm being totally serious. Can you

hook me up? Well, I guess you could talk
to our rabbi. Thank you.

My spiritual quest begins today.

Hi. Looking for me?

Yeah.

When?

What's up?

Suddenly, I'm spending my day fielding
complaints about Quizbo. What's the

problem?

Gary Morton.

What's the matter with him?

I got students coming in here pissed off
that he's on the team. I got parents

calling and telling me they're going to
go to the school board unless we cut

him. Are you kidding me? What's the
problem?

Well... Carol, apparently there's some
doubt as to his qualifications.

Or put another way, the kid's kind of
dumb.

So? He's not the brainiest kid in
school. So what? So he's going to hurt

chances of winning.

Is that such a big deal? This is quiz
bowl we're talking about. Well,

they take it pretty seriously. It's on
TV. They get to put it on their college

application. They don't want Gary
dragging them down.

Gary doesn't have a whole lot going for
him, Dennis. He could actually benefit

from this.

It's not fair to the rest of the team.
Ed's going to have to tell them he's

Ed promised everybody they'd get a
chance. Well, Ed shouldn't have made

promise. But he already did.

Well, if Ed had promised him diamond
earrings, would you be making me go to

Zales? Dennis. Look, if Ed doesn't have
one of these on his desk, he's out of

luck. No quiz bowl for Gail.

Fine. If you feel that strongly about
it, I will tell him.

Thank you.

Yes?

Rabbi. Oh, hello, Diane. Come in. This
is Warren Cheswick, the person we spoke

about. Yes, Warren. So nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you. Thank you for seeing

me. Sure, please.

Okay.

We brought some refreshments. You care
for a cran grape?

No, thank you. I insist. Please, Diane,
a cran grape for the rabbi.

Thank you, Diane.

So, Warren, why don't you tell me why
you want to convert to Judaism?

Actually, Rabbi, I'd like you to tell me
why I should convert to Judaism.

I don't understand.

Well, see, I'm a free agent. I have no
religious affiliation.

This is your chance to get Warren
Cheswick on your team.

So go ahead.

You have my full attention.

Make me want to be a Jew.

Well, Warren, that's not really the way
we do things.

Why don't you ask me a few questions?

Playing hard to get.

Okay. Nice.

Very svelte.

All right.

Question one.

How much would I have to pray?

Keep in mind, I'm a busy guy with a
tight schedule.

That would depend how observant you are.
Now, an Orthodox Jew prays at least

three times a day.

Three times? Three times.

But you're saying we have some wiggle
room there, right?

Wiggle? Uh, yes.

Okay. All right, moving on.

How much pork can I eat and still keep
kosher?

None. None? None.

There's no way we can work something
out?

Unlikely.

All right, let's cut to the chase.

The afterlife.

Tell me what I've got to look forward
to. Well, Warren, Judaism does not

focus on the afterlife.

I see, but I'd kind of like to know
what's going to happen to me when I die,

can you try to rough it out for me? Oh,
Warren, there are a wide range of

opinions on that subject.

Rabbi. Can you guarantee me heaven?

No, Warren. We cannot guarantee you a
heaven, per se.

All right. Okay. Fine. Thank you.

Thank you for your time, Rabbi.

All right. I'll be in touch.

Yep. Okay. Shalom.

Here's what I want to know. Every time
they do a cartoon drawing of a clam,

always have, like, two big eyeballs on
the top of the shelf.

Totally unrealistic.

I think it's to help you relate to the
clam.

Relate to the clam.

That's a good one, honey. Don't you guys
have a question?

Hey, um, Terrell and Dennis are coming.

Good, good. I got a bone to pick with
Mr. Martino. Take it easy. She's really

nervous about easing him into our group.

Nice!

Oh, come on.

Thank you. Sorry.

How's everybody doing?

Good, Jack.

What are those, big clams?

Yeah, help yourself.

Oh, yeah.

I used to get these all the time in a
place in New York called Marty.

Which reminds me, one night I'm coming
out of Marty's and I'm walking down the

street. And who's standing there? Like
five feet away from you, Roy Orbison.

Really? Just as he passes me, the poor
guy slips on something and falls right

his ass.

Was he okay?

Yeah, he was fine.

You saw Roy Orbison fall on his ass?
Yes, I did. That's very impressive.

Thank you, Mike.

Ooh, we got a big boy here, ladies and
gentlemen. The Irish Prince is large and

in chisards at 253 LBs.

All right, Deadly Roy, to the scale,
please.

Gadzook, we've got 200...

people.

That's mostly water weight.

I'm eating the fault of nuts.

We'll see you at the fight.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, I'll be
happy to take your questions now.

Anything you'd like to know about Phil
Stubbs Presents Weekly Boxing Series?

Um, all right, let's start with you,
sir.

Yeah, it's a question for Carl. The
Irish Prince, please refer to him as the

Irish Prince.

All right, Irish Prince.

The Irish Prince.

The Irish Prince.

It says in your bio that the Russians
scientifically bred you to box.

What does that mean?

Have you ever seen Rocky IV?

Yes.

It was pretty much like that.

All right, I'm getting a beer. Does
anybody need anything? I'll take a beer.

I'll take a ginger ale.

No, I'm good.

Listen, Dennis, Carol mentioned that you
wanted Gary Morton out of Quiz Bowl.

Yeah, I'm sorry. That's right. Yeah,
what's tough is I already told him he'd

to play. I know.

I hope it's not too awkward for you.

No, it's okay.

I kind of hope, actually, that you might
reconsider.

You know, I think Gary could really use
this.

Don't you, Carol?

That had been my original thought, yes.

You play basketball, Ed?

Yeah. You play on the team in high
school?

Yeah. Let's say the coach comes in one
day with this kid who can't play worth a

damn. And he says, guys, I'm going to
start this kid every game because he's

unhappy and I think he could really use
it.

You know, it's pretty unfair to the rest
of the team, don't you think?

What about this?

What about letting me work with the kid
for a couple of days? Then we decide.

No, I can't do it. Sorry, Ed.

Okay, it's your call.

All right.

I'll tell him.

I guess.

In the name of the Father, and the Son,
and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Yes. Oh.

Father?

Do I talk now, or... Is this your first
confession, my son?

Uh, yes, but see, I'm not really here to
confess.

Just wanted to kind of take the booth
for a test drive.

I'm sorry?

Yeah, see, I'm considering becoming a
Catholic, and I thought before I sign

I should just kind of get a feel for the
booth here.

You know, this is like try before you
buy kind of thing. I'm not sure I

understand. Oh, don't worry, Father.
You're doing fine. This is great.

So this is totally anonymous, right?
Yes, it is.

And you can't see me?

No, I can't.

Well, prove it. How many fingers am I
holding up?

That doesn't make any sense.

Even if I could see how many it was, I
could just lie and say a different

number. Yeah, but you can't lie, right?
Priests can't lie.

Son, I think you should go now.

Gary Morton live here?

What did Captain screw up to now?

Gary didn't do anything. Are you his
father?

No, I ain't his father.

Are you?

Is Gary here now? There's something I
need to tell him.

Gary, there's some dude here who wants
to talk to you.

Mr. Stevens?

Hey, Gary.

Yeah, what are you doing here?

Well, we need to talk about Quiz Bowl.

Yeah, okay.

You see, Gary, I, uh... I thought you
might

want to run a few deals with me, help
you get ready for the big match.

Wait, right now?

Yeah. You busy?

No. All right.

Why don't we go down to Stucky Bowl? You
can order a pizza or something.

Yeah, okay.

All right.

Yeah, I'm going out.

Are you a Jew?

I haven't decided yet.

Catholic? I thought Father Thomas and
Rabbi Shmuel Wateach made some very

excellent points.

How about Buddhism? They got some cool
stuff.

Yeah, I don't know about that whole
Eastern thing. I was thinking about

to that Reverend Isaac guy from the TV.
Oh, I know that dude. The power of the

person. Yeah, that's him.

You should try to get everyone into a
bidding war. Don't mock me. Seriously.

Play hardball. Tell him you won't sign
with anyone until he gets you in a room

with God himself. See, you're mocking
me.

Ooh.

Look north.

Diane Snyder.

Quite lidesome in her own way, don't you
think? You know what? You're really

beginning to drive me crazy with this.
When will you ask this woman out

She's dying for you.

Never.

Okay? I'm never going to ask her out.

Just admit you love her. We're friends.
We are friends.

Okay? Friends who fight all the time.
Actually, enemies.

That's who we are. We're enemies.

Enemies in love.

Good. Lord.

Hey, when you meet with the Lord, can
you tell him that I got a little screwed

over here?

Hey, guys, now listen up. There's always
at least one question on the periodic

table. So, let's know them all.

Gold. Chester. A -U. Silver.

A -G.

That's right.

Sodium.

N -A.

Potassium.

Chester. K.

Yes, my friend. Helium.

Chester again. H -E.

Yes, that's right also.

Dennis. I got your message. Oh, I'm
sorry, Dennis. This is Ben.

Chester. Yeah, I know who they are. I'm
the principal, remember? Can I talk to

you outside, please?

Yeah. All right, you guys.

State capitals. State capitals. Start
quizzing one another.

Gary, you understand you've got to
actually answer the questions out loud,

right? Chester, knock it off.

We don't need that here.

You're kidding, right?

Dennis, it's just a big practical joke,
because I like jokes. So if that's what

this is, just tell me and we'll have a
big laugh, all right? Dennis, Gary

has nothing.

The kid is fumbling along.

His parents don't give a rat's ass about
him. He's at a point in his life where

he needs a little confidence boost. Ed,
I think you're glossing over an

essential fact here. Which is?

Which is that Gary Morton has the
thinking capacity of a tube sock.

That's not true.

The kid just needs a little nurturing.

Nurturing?

Gary Morton needs nurturing.

Yeah? Kind of? Let me ask you, if you
nurture a dog, could you get it to

understand algebra?

Gary Morton isn't a dog. Quiz bowl
questions aren't exactly algebra.

Occasionally, some of them might
actually be algebra. Gary Morton ain't

big on thinking, Ed.

Those are just the cards the kid's been
dealt.

He's sitting on a pair of threes.

He'll be sitting on a pair of threes
till the day he dies.

Pretending that he's got four of a kind
isn't doing the kid any good.

In fact...

Ed, it's bad for the kid.

Well, I disagree.

Look, Dennis, this kid is trying to
figure out who he is, all right? He's

trying to figure out who he is, and
somebody or something needs to tell this

that he has a brain.

Put this another way.

I'm the principal.

This is my school.

Who's with you, Dennis? Why are you
getting so worked up over this? And as

person in charge of this school,

I'm going to give you a little choice.

Either you get rid of Gary Morton, or
I'll take care of it myself over the PA

system.

I'll try it again in a bit.

Excuse me, Reverend Isaac?

Yes. Hey, I've seen you on TV, the power
of the person.

Did you come up with that yourself?

Can I help you with something?

Yes. Well, it turns out I don't have a
religion. I've been chatting with

men of God, and I guess I just thought
I'd see what the Baptists have to offer.

What did we have to offer?

Right, you know, for example, the Jewish
folks have that eight days of gifts

during Hanukkah, which is a plus, but
then again, they can't actually spell

Hanukkah. Sometimes they go with the C
-H for the H sound. Other times they use

H, which is a... which is a bit softer
and... Son, why are you here?

Why? Because, you know, I need religion.

I don't have to tell you that a man
needs religion, right?

A religion!

Is there something bothering you?
Something you need some help with?

Uh, no, it's just... I was at this
girl's house and sitting at Shabbat's

Shabbat. Right.

Shabbat.

So I was sitting there looking at her,
sitting with her family, saying all this

religious stuff, and it just made me
sort of like...

Like, agitated inside, you know?

Agitated inside? Yeah, it felt like
maybe I was, like, missing out on

That girl you were looking at during
Shabbat dinner, she your lady?

My lady?

You mean, like, my lady?

You said you were missing out on
something.

No, oh, no, the religion.

I mean, I felt like I was missing out on
the religion.

Let me tell you something, son.

Religion is just a big flashlight.

You shine it all around your life, and
it makes everything a little clearer, a

little brighter.

The flashlight only helps you find what
it is you're missing.

Oh, that's cool.

Wait, so what do you think I'm missing?

I don't know.

Well, start coming around. Maybe we can
figure it out.

No, no, no. You can't do that to me.
Come on. Because otherwise I won't be

to sleep. I have to know what it is.

It'll drive me crazy. See, I have very
active imagination.

How will the person?

As -salamu alaykum.

Hey, Mr. Steven.

Hey, Gary. Call me Ed.

Ed, I got you a milkshake to pay you
back for the pizza or whatever.

Thanks. Thanks a lot, Gary.

Have a seat.

No, no.

You're not lactose intolerant. No, I'm
not lactose intolerant.

So what are we up to today?

Actually, we're not going to practice
today.

Oh, what's up?

Gary, I can't let you play this weekend.

Oh, I'm really sorry about this.

It's because I'm a dumbass, right?

No, no, no, not at all, Gary. It's just
that there are other players who are

stronger than you right now.

So in other words, I'm a dumbass. No,

no, that's not what I'm saying at all.

It's cool, man. You know, I knew I was
going to suck at this.

I mean, it's why I didn't want to do it
in the first place.

Gary, no, seriously, man, it's cool.

I'll see you around, okay?

Okay, boys, ready?

It's time. I want you to stick to the
script. I don't need anybody trying to

a hero, okay?

Carl, go ahead.

Deadly Roy, I've had just about enough
of your shenanigans.

Oh, yeah, Irish Prince? I ought to
wallop you one.

Water. Water.

That's it!

Boys!

Boys! Boys!

This was supposed to be a friendly
lunch. Save it for the ring. I'm going

kill you. You can kiss my grits.

It was an ad -lib.

Irish Prince, Deadly Roy, please.

We'll settle this Friday night at 10 p
.m. at Stucky Bowl in the first ever

Stubbs Presents Weekly Boxing Series.

Fine, fine, but don't you forget to show
up at 10 p .m. at Stucky Bowl in the

first ever Phil Stubbs Presents Weekly
Boxing Series.

Me, don't you forget to show up Friday
night at 10 p .m. at Stucky Bowl for the

first ever Phil Stubbs Presents Weekly
Boxing Series.

Cheryl, is that around? He's fixing the
sink. What sink would that be? Down

here.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, Ed.

Listen, I heard about your conversation
with Dennis today.

Seventh grade woodshop. Frank Court took
my bird feeder, spray painted it red,

handed it in as his own.

Okay. That's the last time I got in a
fist fight today. I came very, very

to getting in another one. I know. I'm
sorry. I'm really sorry. He's been

sort of, I don't know. Let me try to cut
to the chase. Your boyfriend's an ass.

Fred? No, thank you. Look, Ed, I know
the dentist that comes by is a little

rough around the edges, especially if
you don't know him.

But I think you're being a little harsh
about the whole thing. Really, I thought

I was showing remarkable restraint.

Do you want me to tell Gary he's not
going to play? I already told him. What?

Well, how did he take it?

How do you think?

He was devastated.

What? Nothing.

I'm just saying, God's stuff, you know.

God's stuff?

Yeah.

The good Lord giveth, the good Lord
taketh away.

God's stuff.

What is it with you, Chester? What's
with me? What's with you?

picking on you, I was just asking how
the Great Warren Cheswick Spirituality

Quest was going.

See, there you go again.

There you go again. The Great Warren
Cheswick Spirituality Quest. You're so

condescending. Very condescending
indeed.

You don't even know it.

Is it that type of film? Oh, that's
funny.

That's real funny.

You're regular Howie Mandel.

This is getting too weird for me.

Did you reject the big guy?

I think he slipped.

He didn't slip. He got pinned. He threw
that stuff into the cheap seats. He

learned a lesson is what he did. A
lesson was that. Not to bring that stuff

my house. You had to score 37 points by
bringing that stuff into your house. No,

no, no. The 37 points was from different
stuff. I'm talking about a particular

stuff that he brought into my house that
time I rejected him.

You're a sick man.

Mike.

Dennis. He smashed.

Dennis. Oh,

it's the Lone Ranger and Tonto.

Hello, Kimisabe.

What's going on, Dennis? What are you
doing?

When did that start?

I don't know, Ed. I didn't put a clock
on it, my bad.

Why not? You know, Ed, you know what
they say?

Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.

You know, tonight, I figured I was going
to prove them right.

I think I got it nailed.

I mean, look at me.

Someone we should call?

Uh, yeah. As a matter of fact, Ed, yes,
yes, there is someone we should call.

Cal, my sponsor.

We should call Cal because... You know
what Cal would have said if I called

He would have said... Don't do it,
Dennis.

The man is a psychological genius, Ed.

Come on.

We'll drive you home.

Ed, you are so good.

You are so, so good.

Isn't he so good?

Oh, yeah, he's good, all right.

He's not good. He's so good.

Taking care of me like I'm his best
buddy. Ed Stevens, you are one hell of

Dennis, listen to me.

You're drunk.

I'm going to get you home. Don't be
confused.

You and I are not buddies.

You and I will never be buddies.

I'm in love with her, you know.

a little gift. What are these?

These?

Everyone put them on. These are the big,
thick, nerd glasses.

Okay? Don't worry, everybody.

They are non -prescription.

What are they for?

Everyone, I want you to wear these
tomorrow and must up your hair. We want

other team to think that we are freaky
geniuses.

Come on. Go.

Out. I'll see everyone tomorrow.

You all set, coach?

I guess so.

Um, I'm sorry about Dennis. He's been
acting really funny lately.

Why do you suppose that is? Honestly?

Yeah, honestly.

Uh, we've been talking about moving in
together.

And I think it's stressing him out. He's
worried he's going to screw things up.

That's why he's acting so strange?

Yeah.

But do you have another theory?

Good luck with Chris Boll.

I'll be cheering for you.

Thanks.

Hey, Dan.

I guess I owe you a thank you.

No, it's okay. Your house is on the way.
I mean, for not selling Carol.

Not my business.

I want a nice, clean fight. No hitting
on the break. On a knockdown, go to a

neutral corner.

No rabbit punches, no hitting below the
belt.

What's a rabbit punch?

Hitting in the back of the head like
this.

You can do that? You can't do that.

Touch gloves, go to your corner, and
come out fighting.

I've been thinking. I think that would
give Gary a chance on the quiz bowl

What happened to nature over nurture?

I thought you said Gary was born with a
pair of threes up here, that he could

never change that.

Still not sure he can.

you back here.

It's the agitated kid.

Look, I'm going to cut to the chase. I'm
not sure which religion is right for

me, but I think you're the guy. What
guy?

The guy.

The guy with the answers. The guy who
can help me.

Problem with the girl?

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

God, you're like that crossing over
dude. It's like he can read my mind. The

last time I mentioned the girl, your
face puffed out like some kind of

I don't know what to do.

I mean, everything's crazy now. I spent
all this time chasing this super hot

girl, Jessica Martel.

And believe me, when it comes to this
girl, the Lord David.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm talking hot.

I hear what you're saying.

So that didn't work out. And then I had
to shout at this other super hot college

girl, Carrie. But that didn't work out
either. But those didn't feel like this

one. I mean, this is totally different.
This is terrible.

Because this one might work out?

Look, Diane and I fight all the time.

She hates me. I hate her.

You know, we're friends.

Well, the jitters. I don't know what's
going on. I'm a nervous wreck around her

all of a sudden.

And that's very unusual for me. I mean,
you have no way of knowing this, but I'm

normally very, very cool.

You know, real Clint Eastwood type.

Have you kissed the girl?

No. I can't kiss her. I'm not going to
kiss her. You are scared?

Hey, I'm not scared, okay? I kissed
Jessica and Carrie.

And these were uber babes. I'm talking
killers, my friend.

Killers. Stop talking.

Okay.

There's a reason things are different
with this girl than with the other

You really didn't care about the other
girls.

I'm telling you, these girls were...
Your hormones cared about them.

But this one you care about, I can see
it in that blowfish -like piece of

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What am I
supposed to do?

Kiss the girl.

Quizmaster General this evening.

Okay, then. Let's meet our players. From
Stuckyville High School, we have Ben

Ritchie, Chester Glostack, and Gary
Morton.

And from Death for Down Night, we have
Charlie McKeever.

We'll start a quick review of the rules.

First round is our category round.

with the players answering questions
individually.

Each question is worth five points.

In our second round, we will alternate
between teams.

All players may confer and agree on a
given answer, and each answer is worth

points. You did a good thing getting
Gary playing, even if he was one of the

pair of threes. Yeah, well, let's just
wait and see how it turns out.

Maybe you're right.

So, Carol mentioned it.

You guys are moving in together.

Yeah, we're going to try it for a while.

That was fast. A little.

She said you were feeling some stress
over the move.

Is that the reason you started drinking?
No.

I apologize if it's none of my business,
but why now? I mean, after two and a

half years sober.

Because on Tuesday I passed a liquor
store and decided to stop and go in.

And then I kept going in for the next
three days.

Why?

Because when it comes to fine imported
scotch, I'm sitting on a pair of threes.

And so it was from those humble
beginnings that an institution was born.

Okay, then.

First category, state capitals.

Montana.

Stuckyville, then.

Helena. Correct. New Mexico.

Jasper Town, Kimberly.

Santa Fe. Santa Fe is correct.

South Dakota.

Stuckyville, then.

Pierre. Correct.

Washington. Stuckyville, Chester.

Olympia. Olympia. Correct.

Nevada.

Kimberly. Carson City. Still think
Gary's going to overcome that pair of

Correct.

California. If that's hard enough, you
bet. Correct. Kansas.

Stuckyville. Gary.

Kansas City. I'm sorry.

Topeka. The correct answer was Topeka.

Next category.

National Hockey League teams. Montreal.

Kimberly.

Canadians. You want a better job?

Why have you taken me here? Because I'm
telling you, this guy's awesome.

You understand I'm Jewish. It doesn't
matter.

But just because... Will you just shut
up, please, and listen to the man? You

got yourself a soul.

So you choose what you want to get out
of those 76 .7 years you got to walk

around this earth before you get to
those pearly gates.

Because I'm not talking about the power
of the Lord all by himself.