Original subtitles

True, please.

Maybe a little peace with today.

You dare to dream.

Hey, Mike.

Yeah? See that guy over there? Yeah.

Ten bucks if you can get his autograph.

His autograph?

That's right, but here's the thing.

You gotta act like you think he's Kenny Rogers.

Excuse me.

Yeah. Kenny.

Mr. Rogers.

Sir, I was wondering if I could have your autograph.

I'm not Kenny Rogers.

Oh.

Okay. Look, I hate to bother you, especially at lunch, but I am a huge

you could just make out the mic.

Best wishes, Kenny Rogers.

Or the gambler.

Either one.

I'm not him, okay?

I'm not Kenny Rogers.

Right. Of course not.

Uh -huh. Uh -huh. Look, just give me the autograph, and I will leave you alone.

That a boy. Gotta give back to the fans.

I don't believe this.

Come on, be a guy, Kenny.

When it's my moment in the sun

Oh, how beautiful I

But in a normal sort of way.

Like I am you and you are I.

the newspaper for the high school quiz bowl. What's high school quiz bowl?

Are you serious?

Yeah, what is it, a game show?

I can't believe you've never heard of it. It's a big interscholastic

competition. It's on TV and everything. Yeah, well, nobody mentioned it to me.

Who's supposed to handle it?

Well, Mr.

Grandizio used to coach our team. The late Mr. Grandizio?

Yeah. Looks like you're going to need another coach. You want to do it?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

But I know someone who might. Who?

Ed. Ed?

Yeah, Ed.

Why Ed?

Because... He was quiz bowl champion our senior year.

You know what? He still keeps the trophy in his office.

Does he now?

Yes. I think he'd really be into it.

Does it matter that he's not a member of the faculty?

I don't see why it should. Mr.

Grandizio was retired the last few years he did it.

Sounds good to me.

Here's your omelet.

How many eggs did you put in here?

Seven.

Why?

Just felt like making a giant omelet.

I love my black ass.

You know why?

Because I'm excited.

If you didn't have Don King, you'd have to invent him.

That man right there is the smartest man ever to walk the earth.

Bing Rains?

Don King.

You think he's smarter than Einstein?

Let me put it this way, Kenneth. If Don King and Einstein played chess, Einstein

might win the game. But Don King would own the board, own all the pieces, and

walk away with a million bucks in ticket sales. Now, you tell me who's smarter.

Hey, guys. Is that around?

I'm going to learn everything there is to know about Mr. Donald King, how he

rose from the streets of Cleveland to become the greatest boxing promoter in

history, and I'm going to replicate that feat right here in Stuckyville.

They have very similar hairdos.

Don King and Einstein.

Looks fluffy.

Of course they'll do it. I love quiz ball.

Did I ever show you this?

Quiz ball trophy.

I've seen it. It's gorgeous.

I was MVP of the year Stucky Vihai won the championship.

I know. That's why. I'll never forget my winning question.

Which president of the United States was nicknamed Old Hickory? Andrew Jackson,

baby. Kiss my Christastic ass.

Sorry. I love quiz ball.

Listen, Ed, there's this one kid, Gary Morton, who could use a little special

attention. Oh, yeah? Why is that? Well, he's always slinking around alone,

depressed. I tried to get him involved in some things. He just doesn't seem

interested. Right.

But I managed to get him to go out for quiz bowl, and the concept of being on

seemed to really appeal to him. Of course.

Yeah. So if you don't mind, give him a little extra encouragement, would you?

You got it.

How many stomachs does a cow have? Fong, four. A cow has four stomachs. Woo

-hoo! Who the quiz man?

You the quiz man.

Sorry, I just love quiz bowl.

Hey. He's here.

A couple of traveling vacuum cleaners.

Hey, hey, are we dressed okay?

I could go home and change. I just don't want to disrespect the Sabbath. Calm

down. You're fine.

Mom!

Okay, I got it.

This is Warren and Mark. Welcome.

Shabbat shalom. Shabbat shalom. Shabbat shalom. Good evening.

Honey, the kids are here.

I'll be right down.

Guys, make yourselves at home.

Diane, would you help me with the candles? Sure.

Hey, hey, should we be bowing or like kneeling or something? No, just chill

a second.

Okay.

Here, put these on.

Oh, thank you.

Your head.

bathed in the glow of the Sabbath candles.

She's perfect.

She's yours for the taking, yet you do nothing.

Shut up, Vanagor.

Do I look okay?

You look like Yentl.

Hi, guys. Come on in. Have a seat. Mr. Stevens should be here any minute.

Gary?

Do you want to come in and join us?

Here he is now.

Afternoon, Miss Feshy. Kids?

Guys, this is Mr. Stevens, former Quiz Bowl champion and your new coach.

Thank you. Show of hands.

How many people have competed in Quiz Bowl before?

What's your name?

Gary.

Gary. Gary.

You're a very lucky man. You know why? No. Because everybody but you has got a

thousand bad lessons in quiz ball strategy to unlearn. For instance, when

proper time to buzz in? I don't know.

Anybody? When you know the answer. Wrong. You should buzz in as soon as you

think you know the answer. Between the time you buzz in and the time you speak,

you have at least two to three seconds to formulate your response.

But what if you're wrong? If you're wrong, you shouldn't have buzzed in in

first place. But you just said... Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Got to learn

to walk before we can run. Right, Gary?

I guess so.

Right. Now, we have a lot to accomplish.

But I want to tell you guys, it's going to be worth the effort.

I promise you, right now, each and every one of you is going to get a chance to

compete in the tournament. All right? There are no bench warmers here.

plays.

Now, if you split up into groups of three, we'll get started.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Kenneth, Shirley, say hello to the future of heavyweight boxing. Put your

together for Roy and Carl.

Come on.

Hey, can I smoke in here?

Well, you know better than that. You're the good guy. Remember, the good guy

doesn't smoke.

Carl, you go ahead and line up.

You guys professional boxers? No, we're dock workers.

He's a longshoreman. I'm a stevedore. Gentlemen, please, stick to your phony

backstories. Carl was born in Soviet Russia, where they used cutting -edge

technology to breed the perfect boxer. Today, he's known as the Irish Prince.

You just said that he was born in Russia.

Yeah, but then he moved to Ireland, where he became a prince.

Didn't you, Carl?

One of them.

And over here, Deadly Roy, a former Green Beret who created the beloved

One Day at a Time.

Do you know Bonnie Franklin?

Yeah. Great broad.

Huh?

Good work. All right. Good job today, everyone. Good job.

We'll work on some buzzer work next, okay? Take care. Keep plugging that,

All right. See you guys later. Be good now. Oh, hey, Gary.

Gary, hang back for a second.

Yeah?

I'm really glad you decided to do this.

Really? Yeah. And you can help this team.

Wow, thanks.

Third president of the United States.

Adams.

Jefferson.

George Jefferson?

No. Thomas Jefferson.

I'm just kidding. I'm not that stupid.

And all the rituals, the tradition, you know, the candles, the wine, the crazy

lingo. It's like the Sniders, the smokers. dimension to their lives. It's

religion, dumbass. Act like you never even heard of it. Why'd you get into it?

Why'd you get a market man when he's having a spiritual awakening?

Awakening? Yes, awakening. Last night, I realized how much I've been missing. I

have led a godless life. Do you realize that? Wait a second. Your parents

brought you up without any religion at all? Nothing. Nothing?

Oh, yeah, a Christmas tree. I had a thunderous burn in the living room.

all I got.

Hey, Mark, you know what I'm gonna do?

What? I'm gonna find myself a faith.

I'm going to check them all out and see which one fits me the best. Don't be

stupid. You can't pick a religion like you pick a pair of khakis. Oh, yeah? Why

not? The only reason you're Catholic is because your parents are.

At least I'm doing some research.

Hey, boys.

Oh, hey, Diane.

I want to talk to somebody about Judaism.

Really? Yes. I want to know if it's right for me.

It's young crap. No, no, no. Hey, come on. I'm being totally serious. Can you

hook me up? Well, I guess you could talk to our rabbi. Thank you.

My spiritual quest begins today.

Hi. Looking for me?

Yeah.

When?

What's up?

Suddenly, I'm spending my day fielding complaints about Quizbo. What's the

problem?

Gary Morton.

What's the matter with him?

I got students coming in here pissed off that he's on the team. I got parents

calling and telling me they're going to go to the school board unless we cut

him. Are you kidding me? What's the problem?

Well... Carol, apparently there's some doubt as to his qualifications.

Or put another way, the kid's kind of dumb.

So? He's not the brainiest kid in school. So what? So he's going to hurt

chances of winning.

Is that such a big deal? This is quiz bowl we're talking about. Well,

they take it pretty seriously. It's on TV. They get to put it on their college

application. They don't want Gary dragging them down.

Gary doesn't have a whole lot going for him, Dennis. He could actually benefit

from this.

It's not fair to the rest of the team. Ed's going to have to tell them he's

Ed promised everybody they'd get a chance. Well, Ed shouldn't have made

promise. But he already did.

Well, if Ed had promised him diamond earrings, would you be making me go to

Zales? Dennis. Look, if Ed doesn't have one of these on his desk, he's out of

luck. No quiz bowl for Gail.

Fine. If you feel that strongly about it, I will tell him.

Thank you.

Yes?

Rabbi. Oh, hello, Diane. Come in. This is Warren Cheswick, the person we spoke

about. Yes, Warren. So nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Thank you for seeing

me. Sure, please.

Okay.

We brought some refreshments. You care for a cran grape?

No, thank you. I insist. Please, Diane, a cran grape for the rabbi.

Thank you, Diane.

So, Warren, why don't you tell me why you want to convert to Judaism?

Actually, Rabbi, I'd like you to tell me why I should convert to Judaism.

I don't understand.

Well, see, I'm a free agent. I have no religious affiliation.

This is your chance to get Warren Cheswick on your team.

So go ahead.

You have my full attention.

Make me want to be a Jew.

Well, Warren, that's not really the way we do things.

Why don't you ask me a few questions?

Playing hard to get.

Okay. Nice.

Very svelte.

All right.

Question one.

How much would I have to pray?

Keep in mind, I'm a busy guy with a tight schedule.

That would depend how observant you are. Now, an Orthodox Jew prays at least

three times a day.

Three times? Three times.

But you're saying we have some wiggle room there, right?

Wiggle? Uh, yes.

Okay. All right, moving on.

How much pork can I eat and still keep kosher?

None. None? None.

There's no way we can work something out?

Unlikely.

All right, let's cut to the chase.

The afterlife.

Tell me what I've got to look forward to. Well, Warren, Judaism does not

focus on the afterlife.

I see, but I'd kind of like to know what's going to happen to me when I die,

can you try to rough it out for me? Oh, Warren, there are a wide range of

opinions on that subject.

Rabbi. Can you guarantee me heaven?

No, Warren. We cannot guarantee you a heaven, per se.

All right. Okay. Fine. Thank you.

Thank you for your time, Rabbi.

All right. I'll be in touch.

Yep. Okay. Shalom.

Here's what I want to know. Every time they do a cartoon drawing of a clam,

always have, like, two big eyeballs on the top of the shelf.

Totally unrealistic.

I think it's to help you relate to the clam.

Relate to the clam.

That's a good one, honey. Don't you guys have a question?

Hey, um, Terrell and Dennis are coming.

Good, good. I got a bone to pick with Mr. Martino. Take it easy. She's really

nervous about easing him into our group.

Nice!

Oh, come on.

Thank you. Sorry.

How's everybody doing?

Good, Jack.

What are those, big clams?

Yeah, help yourself.

Oh, yeah.

I used to get these all the time in a place in New York called Marty.

Which reminds me, one night I'm coming out of Marty's and I'm walking down the

street. And who's standing there? Like five feet away from you, Roy Orbison.

Really? Just as he passes me, the poor guy slips on something and falls right

his ass.

Was he okay?

Yeah, he was fine.

You saw Roy Orbison fall on his ass? Yes, I did. That's very impressive.

Thank you, Mike.

Ooh, we got a big boy here, ladies and gentlemen. The Irish Prince is large and

in chisards at 253 LBs.

All right, Deadly Roy, to the scale, please.

Gadzook, we've got 200...

people.

That's mostly water weight.

I'm eating the fault of nuts.

We'll see you at the fight.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, I'll be happy to take your questions now.

Anything you'd like to know about Phil Stubbs Presents Weekly Boxing Series?

Um, all right, let's start with you, sir.

Yeah, it's a question for Carl. The Irish Prince, please refer to him as the

Irish Prince.

All right, Irish Prince.

The Irish Prince.

The Irish Prince.

It says in your bio that the Russians scientifically bred you to box.

What does that mean?

Have you ever seen Rocky IV?

Yes.

It was pretty much like that.

All right, I'm getting a beer. Does anybody need anything? I'll take a beer.

I'll take a ginger ale.

No, I'm good.

Listen, Dennis, Carol mentioned that you wanted Gary Morton out of Quiz Bowl.

Yeah, I'm sorry. That's right. Yeah, what's tough is I already told him he'd

to play. I know.

I hope it's not too awkward for you.

No, it's okay.

I kind of hope, actually, that you might reconsider.

You know, I think Gary could really use this.

Don't you, Carol?

That had been my original thought, yes.

You play basketball, Ed?

Yeah. You play on the team in high school?

Yeah. Let's say the coach comes in one day with this kid who can't play worth a

damn. And he says, guys, I'm going to start this kid every game because he's

unhappy and I think he could really use it.

You know, it's pretty unfair to the rest of the team, don't you think?

What about this?

What about letting me work with the kid for a couple of days? Then we decide.

No, I can't do it. Sorry, Ed.

Okay, it's your call.

All right.

I'll tell him.

I guess.

In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Yes. Oh.

Father?

Do I talk now, or... Is this your first confession, my son?

Uh, yes, but see, I'm not really here to confess.

Just wanted to kind of take the booth for a test drive.

I'm sorry?

Yeah, see, I'm considering becoming a Catholic, and I thought before I sign

I should just kind of get a feel for the booth here.

You know, this is like try before you buy kind of thing. I'm not sure I

understand. Oh, don't worry, Father. You're doing fine. This is great.

So this is totally anonymous, right? Yes, it is.

And you can't see me?

No, I can't.

Well, prove it. How many fingers am I holding up?

That doesn't make any sense.

Even if I could see how many it was, I could just lie and say a different

number. Yeah, but you can't lie, right? Priests can't lie.

Son, I think you should go now.

Gary Morton live here?

What did Captain screw up to now?

Gary didn't do anything. Are you his father?

No, I ain't his father.

Are you?

Is Gary here now? There's something I need to tell him.

Gary, there's some dude here who wants to talk to you.

Mr. Stevens?

Hey, Gary.

Yeah, what are you doing here?

Well, we need to talk about Quiz Bowl.

Yeah, okay.

You see, Gary, I, uh... I thought you might

want to run a few deals with me, help you get ready for the big match.

Wait, right now?

Yeah. You busy?

No. All right.

Why don't we go down to Stucky Bowl? You can order a pizza or something.

Yeah, okay.

All right.

Yeah, I'm going out.

Are you a Jew?

I haven't decided yet.

Catholic? I thought Father Thomas and Rabbi Shmuel Wateach made some very

excellent points.

How about Buddhism? They got some cool stuff.

Yeah, I don't know about that whole Eastern thing. I was thinking about

to that Reverend Isaac guy from the TV. Oh, I know that dude. The power of the

person. Yeah, that's him.

You should try to get everyone into a bidding war. Don't mock me. Seriously.

Play hardball. Tell him you won't sign with anyone until he gets you in a room

with God himself. See, you're mocking me.

Ooh.

Look north.

Diane Snyder.

Quite lidesome in her own way, don't you think? You know what? You're really

beginning to drive me crazy with this. When will you ask this woman out

She's dying for you.

Never.

Okay? I'm never going to ask her out.

Just admit you love her. We're friends. We are friends.

Okay? Friends who fight all the time. Actually, enemies.

That's who we are. We're enemies.

Enemies in love.

Good. Lord.

Hey, when you meet with the Lord, can you tell him that I got a little screwed

over here?

Hey, guys, now listen up. There's always at least one question on the periodic

table. So, let's know them all.

Gold. Chester. A -U. Silver.

A -G.

That's right.

Sodium.

N -A.

Potassium.

Chester. K.

Yes, my friend. Helium.

Chester again. H -E.

Yes, that's right also.

Dennis. I got your message. Oh, I'm sorry, Dennis. This is Ben.

Chester. Yeah, I know who they are. I'm the principal, remember? Can I talk to

you outside, please?

Yeah. All right, you guys.

State capitals. State capitals. Start quizzing one another.

Gary, you understand you've got to actually answer the questions out loud,

right? Chester, knock it off.

We don't need that here.

You're kidding, right?

Dennis, it's just a big practical joke, because I like jokes. So if that's what

this is, just tell me and we'll have a big laugh, all right? Dennis, Gary

has nothing.

The kid is fumbling along.

His parents don't give a rat's ass about him. He's at a point in his life where

he needs a little confidence boost. Ed, I think you're glossing over an

essential fact here. Which is?

Which is that Gary Morton has the thinking capacity of a tube sock.

That's not true.

The kid just needs a little nurturing.

Nurturing?

Gary Morton needs nurturing.

Yeah? Kind of? Let me ask you, if you nurture a dog, could you get it to

understand algebra?

Gary Morton isn't a dog. Quiz bowl questions aren't exactly algebra.

Occasionally, some of them might actually be algebra. Gary Morton ain't

big on thinking, Ed.

Those are just the cards the kid's been dealt.

He's sitting on a pair of threes.

He'll be sitting on a pair of threes till the day he dies.

Pretending that he's got four of a kind isn't doing the kid any good.

In fact...

Ed, it's bad for the kid.

Well, I disagree.

Look, Dennis, this kid is trying to figure out who he is, all right? He's

trying to figure out who he is, and somebody or something needs to tell this

that he has a brain.

Put this another way.

I'm the principal.

This is my school.

Who's with you, Dennis? Why are you getting so worked up over this? And as

person in charge of this school,

I'm going to give you a little choice.

Either you get rid of Gary Morton, or I'll take care of it myself over the PA

system.

I'll try it again in a bit.

Excuse me, Reverend Isaac?

Yes. Hey, I've seen you on TV, the power of the person.

Did you come up with that yourself?

Can I help you with something?

Yes. Well, it turns out I don't have a religion. I've been chatting with

men of God, and I guess I just thought I'd see what the Baptists have to offer.

What did we have to offer?

Right, you know, for example, the Jewish folks have that eight days of gifts

during Hanukkah, which is a plus, but then again, they can't actually spell

Hanukkah. Sometimes they go with the C -H for the H sound. Other times they use

H, which is a... which is a bit softer and... Son, why are you here?

Why? Because, you know, I need religion.

I don't have to tell you that a man needs religion, right?

A religion!

Is there something bothering you? Something you need some help with?

Uh, no, it's just... I was at this girl's house and sitting at Shabbat's

Shabbat. Right.

Shabbat.

So I was sitting there looking at her, sitting with her family, saying all this

religious stuff, and it just made me sort of like...

Like, agitated inside, you know?

Agitated inside? Yeah, it felt like maybe I was, like, missing out on

That girl you were looking at during Shabbat dinner, she your lady?

My lady?

You mean, like, my lady?

You said you were missing out on something.

No, oh, no, the religion.

I mean, I felt like I was missing out on the religion.

Let me tell you something, son.

Religion is just a big flashlight.

You shine it all around your life, and it makes everything a little clearer, a

little brighter.

The flashlight only helps you find what it is you're missing.

Oh, that's cool.

Wait, so what do you think I'm missing?

I don't know.

Well, start coming around. Maybe we can figure it out.

No, no, no. You can't do that to me. Come on. Because otherwise I won't be

to sleep. I have to know what it is.

It'll drive me crazy. See, I have very active imagination.

How will the person?

As -salamu alaykum.

Hey, Mr. Steven.

Hey, Gary. Call me Ed.

Ed, I got you a milkshake to pay you back for the pizza or whatever.

Thanks. Thanks a lot, Gary.

Have a seat.

No, no.

You're not lactose intolerant. No, I'm not lactose intolerant.

So what are we up to today?

Actually, we're not going to practice today.

Oh, what's up?

Gary, I can't let you play this weekend.

Oh, I'm really sorry about this.

It's because I'm a dumbass, right?

No, no, no, not at all, Gary. It's just that there are other players who are

stronger than you right now.

So in other words, I'm a dumbass. No,

no, that's not what I'm saying at all.

It's cool, man. You know, I knew I was going to suck at this.

I mean, it's why I didn't want to do it in the first place.

Gary, no, seriously, man, it's cool.

I'll see you around, okay?

Okay, boys, ready?

It's time. I want you to stick to the script. I don't need anybody trying to

a hero, okay?

Carl, go ahead.

Deadly Roy, I've had just about enough of your shenanigans.

Oh, yeah, Irish Prince? I ought to wallop you one.

Water. Water.

That's it!

Boys!

Boys! Boys!

This was supposed to be a friendly lunch. Save it for the ring. I'm going

kill you. You can kiss my grits.

It was an ad -lib.

Irish Prince, Deadly Roy, please.

We'll settle this Friday night at 10 p .m. at Stucky Bowl in the first ever

Stubbs Presents Weekly Boxing Series.

Fine, fine, but don't you forget to show up at 10 p .m. at Stucky Bowl in the

first ever Phil Stubbs Presents Weekly Boxing Series.

Me, don't you forget to show up Friday night at 10 p .m. at Stucky Bowl for the

first ever Phil Stubbs Presents Weekly Boxing Series.

Cheryl, is that around? He's fixing the sink. What sink would that be? Down

here.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, Ed.

Listen, I heard about your conversation with Dennis today.

Seventh grade woodshop. Frank Court took my bird feeder, spray painted it red,

handed it in as his own.

Okay. That's the last time I got in a fist fight today. I came very, very

to getting in another one. I know. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. He's been

sort of, I don't know. Let me try to cut to the chase. Your boyfriend's an ass.

Fred? No, thank you. Look, Ed, I know the dentist that comes by is a little

rough around the edges, especially if you don't know him.

But I think you're being a little harsh about the whole thing. Really, I thought

I was showing remarkable restraint.

Do you want me to tell Gary he's not going to play? I already told him. What?

Well, how did he take it?

How do you think?

He was devastated.

What? Nothing.

I'm just saying, God's stuff, you know.

God's stuff?

Yeah.

The good Lord giveth, the good Lord taketh away.

God's stuff.

What is it with you, Chester? What's with me? What's with you?

picking on you, I was just asking how the Great Warren Cheswick Spirituality

Quest was going.

See, there you go again.

There you go again. The Great Warren Cheswick Spirituality Quest. You're so

condescending. Very condescending indeed.

You don't even know it.

Is it that type of film? Oh, that's funny.

That's real funny.

You're regular Howie Mandel.

This is getting too weird for me.

Did you reject the big guy?

I think he slipped.

He didn't slip. He got pinned. He threw that stuff into the cheap seats. He

learned a lesson is what he did. A lesson was that. Not to bring that stuff

my house. You had to score 37 points by bringing that stuff into your house. No,

no, no. The 37 points was from different stuff. I'm talking about a particular

stuff that he brought into my house that time I rejected him.

You're a sick man.

Mike.

Dennis. He smashed.

Dennis. Oh,

it's the Lone Ranger and Tonto.

Hello, Kimisabe.

What's going on, Dennis? What are you doing?

When did that start?

I don't know, Ed. I didn't put a clock on it, my bad.

Why not? You know, Ed, you know what they say?

Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.

You know, tonight, I figured I was going to prove them right.

I think I got it nailed.

I mean, look at me.

Someone we should call?

Uh, yeah. As a matter of fact, Ed, yes, yes, there is someone we should call.

Cal, my sponsor.

We should call Cal because... You know what Cal would have said if I called

He would have said... Don't do it, Dennis.

The man is a psychological genius, Ed.

Come on.

We'll drive you home.

Ed, you are so good.

You are so, so good.

Isn't he so good?

Oh, yeah, he's good, all right.

He's not good. He's so good.

Taking care of me like I'm his best buddy. Ed Stevens, you are one hell of

Dennis, listen to me.

You're drunk.

I'm going to get you home. Don't be confused.

You and I are not buddies.

You and I will never be buddies.

I'm in love with her, you know.

a little gift. What are these?

These?

Everyone put them on. These are the big, thick, nerd glasses.

Okay? Don't worry, everybody.

They are non -prescription.

What are they for?

Everyone, I want you to wear these tomorrow and must up your hair. We want

other team to think that we are freaky geniuses.

Come on. Go.

Out. I'll see everyone tomorrow.

You all set, coach?

I guess so.

Um, I'm sorry about Dennis. He's been acting really funny lately.

Why do you suppose that is? Honestly?

Yeah, honestly.

Uh, we've been talking about moving in together.

And I think it's stressing him out. He's worried he's going to screw things up.

That's why he's acting so strange?

Yeah.

But do you have another theory?

Good luck with Chris Boll.

I'll be cheering for you.

Thanks.

Hey, Dan.

I guess I owe you a thank you.

No, it's okay. Your house is on the way. I mean, for not selling Carol.

Not my business.

I want a nice, clean fight. No hitting on the break. On a knockdown, go to a

neutral corner.

No rabbit punches, no hitting below the belt.

What's a rabbit punch?

Hitting in the back of the head like this.

You can do that? You can't do that.

Touch gloves, go to your corner, and come out fighting.

I've been thinking. I think that would give Gary a chance on the quiz bowl

What happened to nature over nurture?

I thought you said Gary was born with a pair of threes up here, that he could

never change that.

Still not sure he can.

you back here.

It's the agitated kid.

Look, I'm going to cut to the chase. I'm not sure which religion is right for

me, but I think you're the guy. What guy?

The guy.

The guy with the answers. The guy who can help me.

Problem with the girl?

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

God, you're like that crossing over dude. It's like he can read my mind. The

last time I mentioned the girl, your face puffed out like some kind of

I don't know what to do.

I mean, everything's crazy now. I spent all this time chasing this super hot

girl, Jessica Martel.

And believe me, when it comes to this girl, the Lord David.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm talking hot.

I hear what you're saying.

So that didn't work out. And then I had to shout at this other super hot college

girl, Carrie. But that didn't work out either. But those didn't feel like this

one. I mean, this is totally different. This is terrible.

Because this one might work out?

Look, Diane and I fight all the time.

She hates me. I hate her.

You know, we're friends.

Well, the jitters. I don't know what's going on. I'm a nervous wreck around her

all of a sudden.

And that's very unusual for me. I mean, you have no way of knowing this, but I'm

normally very, very cool.

You know, real Clint Eastwood type.

Have you kissed the girl?

No. I can't kiss her. I'm not going to kiss her. You are scared?

Hey, I'm not scared, okay? I kissed Jessica and Carrie.

And these were uber babes. I'm talking killers, my friend.

Killers. Stop talking.

Okay.

There's a reason things are different with this girl than with the other

You really didn't care about the other girls.

I'm telling you, these girls were... Your hormones cared about them.

But this one you care about, I can see it in that blowfish -like piece of

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What am I supposed to do?

Kiss the girl.

Quizmaster General this evening.

Okay, then. Let's meet our players. From Stuckyville High School, we have Ben

Ritchie, Chester Glostack, and Gary Morton.

And from Death for Down Night, we have Charlie McKeever.

We'll start a quick review of the rules.

First round is our category round.

with the players answering questions individually.

Each question is worth five points.

In our second round, we will alternate between teams.

All players may confer and agree on a given answer, and each answer is worth

points. You did a good thing getting Gary playing, even if he was one of the

pair of threes. Yeah, well, let's just wait and see how it turns out.

Maybe you're right.

So, Carol mentioned it.

You guys are moving in together.

Yeah, we're going to try it for a while.

That was fast. A little.

She said you were feeling some stress over the move.

Is that the reason you started drinking? No.

I apologize if it's none of my business, but why now? I mean, after two and a

half years sober.

Because on Tuesday I passed a liquor store and decided to stop and go in.

And then I kept going in for the next three days.

Why?

Because when it comes to fine imported scotch, I'm sitting on a pair of threes.

And so it was from those humble beginnings that an institution was born.

Okay, then.

First category, state capitals.

Montana.

Stuckyville, then.

Helena. Correct. New Mexico.

Jasper Town, Kimberly.

Santa Fe. Santa Fe is correct.

South Dakota.

Stuckyville, then.

Pierre. Correct.

Washington. Stuckyville, Chester.

Olympia. Olympia. Correct.

Nevada.

Kimberly. Carson City. Still think Gary's going to overcome that pair of

Correct.

California. If that's hard enough, you bet. Correct. Kansas.

Stuckyville. Gary.

Kansas City. I'm sorry.

Topeka. The correct answer was Topeka.

Next category.

National Hockey League teams. Montreal.

Kimberly.

Canadians. You want a better job?

Why have you taken me here? Because I'm telling you, this guy's awesome.

You understand I'm Jewish. It doesn't matter.

But just because... Will you just shut up, please, and listen to the man? You

got yourself a soul.

So you choose what you want to get out of those 76 .7 years you got to walk

around this earth before you get to those pearly gates.

Because I'm not talking about the power of the Lord all by himself.

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