Original subtitles

Oh, look at you.

Missed to fix it.

That's right, sister. I can fix anything.

Molly and I are going to go over to the Smiling Goat for lunch. You want to

come? Yeah, sure. I'll meet you guys there.

What about Denny? Will he be joining us?

Dennis is in Minnesota, if you must know.

You ever call him Denny?

No. Never? No. Not once? No. You pass the salt, Denny? You know, like that?

No. You guys ever eat at Denny's?

No.

What's he doing in Minnesota?

He is exploring a potential job offer.

Really? Mm -hmm.

He might move to Minnesota.

I don't know, I guess.

I mean, if he got the job, but he's one of 20 or so potential candidates, so

it's a crapshoot.

Wow. Yeah.

Who's that?

Hello?

Hi, Dennis. How's it going?

Call him, Denny. Just once. No, I'm just hanging out. I'm about to have lunch

with Ed and Molly. Go on it, Denny.

When's your interview?

When's your interview, Denny?

Four days?

That sounds like quite an ordeal. Ordeal, Denny. Just one, Denny. One day.

I miss you too. Bye, Denny. Call me later. Bye, Denny. Good luck. Say bye,

Denny. Bye, Denny. Denny.

Denny. Denny. Denny.

Such an infant.

When it's my moment in the sun Oh, how

beautiful I'll be

But in a normal sort of way Like I am you

and you are

What's up? What's missing from this bowling alley? Indoor water slide.

Roaming wildlife.

What's missing from this bowling alley is kids.

I've never been crazy about kids. They're like small, drunk adults.

That notwithstanding, we're going to become more kid -friendly. And now,

an indoor water slide would be nice, we can start with something a little more

simple. I want you to hire a clown for Saturday and Sunday afternoon.

Boy, every week it's like another crazy scheme with you, isn't it? Put an ad in

the paper, tell people to be here at four, and ask for you.

Bosco, I'm going to find you the perfect clown.

Show business is in my blood.

Is that right?

My cousin Sherry briefly dated Stone Phillips.

So I have to go to court today.

What for?

I got a speeding ticket and I'm going to fight it. The guy says he caught me

going 53 in a 40, but I know he's wrong.

Want me to go to court with you? I am a lawyer, you know.

I just thought you dealt with bowling alley related cases.

Hi.

Larius. It's just a speeding ticket. I'll be fine on my own. Here it is.

Okay, I will be appearing in front of the Honorable Travis R.

Donnelly at 3 p .m. Judge Donnelly? Oh, he's the best.

Huh. I would say he's the reason I decided to become a lawyer.

Really? Oh, yeah. I used to go down to the courthouse and watch him judge cases

back when I was in high school. Guys of God.

You used to go to the courthouse and watch cases in high school?

Yeah. Nerd.

I'm sorry, what?

What? What? Did somebody say something?

And what was your high school hobby?

Well, as I recall, I used to enjoy staring out into space quite a bit.

At least you're honest.

So how does this work in court, anyway? Well, for something like this, you just

get up and tell Judge Donnelly your side of the story.

I can do that. That'll be $300.

Do you smell this? Do you smell it? What? That new office smell. Fresh

fresh machines. Ooh, look at this.

Virgin stethoscope.

It's yet to hear its first heartbeat. Come here, sir. Speaking of virgin

stethoscopes, when do the actual patients show up?

If you build it, they will come.

I built it. They're going to come.

Can we afford all this?

Perfect.

Perfect. You see that, Nance? If I want to yell perfect every time a patient has

a good heartbeat, no one can stop me. You know why? This is my practice.

My practice.

Hey, you. You see that blood pressure machine you're wheeling? Yeah. That's

mine.

Congratulations, buddy.

What's next?

Yes?

Judge Donnelly, I'm Carol Vesey, and I got a speeding ticket.

Oh, yes.

53 miles per hour in a 40 -mile -per -hour zone. How are you pleading?

Not guilty.

What happened?

Well, I'd like to say that I have never gotten a speeding ticket before, and one

time I made an illegal right turn on red, but that was quite some time ago,

I don't think that the sign was clearly marked. There was these overhanging

leaves in that... Miss Bessie. Oh, right.

So... I don't believe I was going 53 miles per hour. As a matter of fact, my

has cruise control, which I set at 45, which I realize is five miles over the

speed limit, but I was just trying to keep up with traffic. There was this tan

Malibu classic Chevrolet that was going... Anything else?

No, sir.

Heads or tails?

What? I got a 1993 quarter here. Do you want heads or tails?

I'm not sure I understand.

I'll make it easy.

Heads, you're guilty.

Tails, you're not guilty.

Oh, sorry, it's heads.

I find you guilty.

Just only that... Now, I need to determine a punishment.

Bayliss, what do we have for her?

Today's punishments. No talking for seven days, 50 hours community service.

Oh, stand on one leg and sing bad, bad Leroy Brown.

Spend one night in jail or... Oh, and I love this one.

You win a frozen turkey.

Imagine committing a crime and winning a frozen turkey.

Spin the wheel, please.

This is crazy.

It's some kind of joke.

Oh, that's a good one.

Please, Miss Bessie, stand on one leg and sing for us.

I find this highly unusual.

Sing, or I'll throw you in jail.

I'm afraid I'm not much of a singer. Sing now.

Bad, bad Leroy Brown.

Baddest man in the whole damn town.

Better than old King Kong.

Ladies and gentlemen, look to your left.

Look to your right.

I want you to memorize those faces.

Because they won't be here long.

Over the next several...

Over the next several days,

we're going to be putting you through a series of clowning exercises.

We're going to watch you clown.

Every second you're here, we'll be watching you clown.

We'll be winnowing down the group.

One of you, one of you who's got the heart,

One of you who's got the mind, one of you who's got the will, shall be

with a special honor.

The honor of being a clown.

Right here at Stucky Bowl.

On weekends.

Yes, number three.

You said that this is going to take days?

Yes, sir, I did.

And if that's a problem for you, or any of you, you just walk out that door

right now.

Good. Get out.

Back in my day, wearing the big shoes meant something.

Hey, Nance. You know, doctors always have posters like this in their waiting

rooms. Well, guess what? I'm a doctor, and now I've got a waiting room. I just

don't have any actual waiting.

Pardon me for not knocking.

The door was open. See that, Naysayer?

Congratulations, my good man. You're my first official patient. Carmela, snap a

photo. I'm sorry. I'm not a patient.

Jack Foster, Foster Consulting.

I am Michael Burton, and you are his wife, Nancy.

Hi. How did you know? Knowledge is my business.

Can we help you with something?

Dr. Burton, Mrs. Burton, I am an opener.

An opener?

What's an opener? I open things.

All things.

Malls, barbershops, fish stores, political campaigns, sporting events,

stations, and yes, medical practices.

Open? What does that mean? Can you help find patients?

That's right.

I'll get this place jumping like Mardi Gras.

That's great.

Well, we have a variety of tools at our disposal. I'll need to sit down with you

and assess your individual needs.

Look, I don't think we need some kind of office consultant right now. Do

respect, Dr. Burton.

You're living in the past.

See, back in the days when there were only a few doctors in a town, opening an

office was child's play. But now, too many choices.

Hell, people get diagnosis on the Internet, huh? Now, what you need to

this place is Jack Foster Consulting.

Mike, maybe if we just... Sorry, Mr. Foster. I think we'll be just fine.

Mrs. Burton, surely you see what's necessary.

I'm sorry.

You hurt my husband.

Very well.

Call me when you change your mind.

It is really exciting, but it's also very scary.

I mean, we're really in debt, Molly.

Seriously, if you guys really run into trouble...

I got $212 in a money market fund.

So, with one Dennis Martino moving to one Minnesota, one never knows what

happen between one Ed Stevens and one Carol Bessie. Relax. First of all, one

Dennis Martino hasn't got the job yet, so he's not definitely moving. And

of all, things between one Carol Bessie and one Ed Stevens are fine just the way

they are. In fact, you seem to care about it more than I do at this point.

right.

Looks like trouble.

Your precious Judge Donnelly is a complete lunatic. Hi, Mike. Hey, what

talking about?

Do you know how he decided whether or not I was guilty?

How? He flipped a coin. What? Yeah, and then for my sentencing, he spun a big

wheel like I was on some kind of game show.

What? And then he made me stand on one foot and sing Bad, Bad Leroy Brown. I

love that song.

That doesn't... What did you do to make him act that way?

Me? Nothing. I didn't do anything.

We'll go down to the courthouse tomorrow. I'll talk to Judge Donnelly.

me. Your mentor has flipped his lid.

Oh! On the south side of Chicago.

I really do thank you for filling in this past week and a half until I hire a

receptionist. It is no problem, Dr. Burton.

Very exciting to be in on the ground floor of new practice.

Like secretaries of Apple computers, they make millions.

Do you think we actually need a receptionist?

Dr. Burton's office. How may we help you today?

Yes.

Dr. Sophie's.

Yes. Yes.

Okay. I will ask.

It is a gentleman named Jack Foster, and he would like to know you have come yet

to your senses.

Carmela, hang up the phone.

Thank you for calling.

Please drive safely.

I'm not going to advertise.

Okay. Okay, honey.

Where do you see this nut job?

Judge Donnelly is not a nut job. He's a legend.

Round and round she goes.

And where she stops, nobody knows.

How can you just spin a wheel like that? Looks like you've got yourself 50 hours

of community service.

Next. Judge Donnelly.

What's going on here?

Not now, Mr. Stevens. Next case. Judge, hold on a minute. My friend Callagher

says you determined guilt or innocence by flipping a coin.

Mr. Stevens, this is my courtroom.

And I will run it as I see fit. But... I see here that you're being charged with

parking in a tollway zone.

Heads or tails?

No, wait, wait, Judge.

I can't let you do that. Are you representing this defendant?

No, sir, but I'm interested. Then you have no business here.

Heads or tails, sir? Judge, my business is to try and find out what's happening

to you. One more word, Mr. Stevens, and I shall have no choice but to find you

in contempt of this court.

Sir? Tails?

Congratulations. You're free to go.

Judge Donnelly! That's it, Mr. Stevens! I find you in contempt.

But he was only trying... I hold you in contempt as well!

Heads or tails?

What? Heads, you're guilty. Tails, you're not. Oh, no. Oh, look at that.

both guilty. Spin it. No, don't spin it. Judge Donnelly, listen. Hold on a

minute here. It's me, Ed.

This is not like you. Let's talk about this. Sure. Right after the two of you

spend one night in jail.

What? Take them, please.

Jail? Why are you throwing us in jail? Because the wheel of justice demands it.

Judge Donnelly. We're in recess.

You can't be serious.

I'll talk to the judge.

I used to watch him in high school.

He loves me. All right. He's a legend.

All right. You made your point.

I'm Ed Stevens.

I'll come down to the courthouse, and I'll help you. I'm a lawyer. You don't

have to spend the night in jail.

You're so lucky.

Hello?

Dennis. Call him Denny. Hi. You're never going to guess where I am.

Jail. Yes.

It's Ed and I.

And I got thrown in jail by this crazy judge?

No.

I'll tell you about it. Hello?

You're breaking up. I can't hear you. You're breaking up, Denny.

I'll tell you about it when I see you.

Hey, did you get any news on the job?

What?

Hello, Dennis?

Did we really have to stay here the whole night?

Yeah, the judge denied his bail.

What do we do?

We just sit down and wait till morning, I guess.

Mike, honey.

Okay, give me the damn phone.

Forgive me for those who know too many pancakes for breakfast.

Mr. Foster, this is Mike Burton.

Yes, I'd like to schedule a meeting.

Okay, you two can go.

Okay.

Oh, God.

I have to go home.

Take a four -hour shower.

I'm going to go pay a little visit to Judge Donnelly.

Yeah.

Okay, let's bring it in, please.

Single file.

Funny walks, please. Funny walks. Remember, A, B, C, always be pounding.

Single file, number three. Thank you, sweetheart. Number three.

Number nine, funny face.

Funny, funny.

Number two, funny flop.

Number

six,

funny noise.

Another.

Another.

Okay, very good, number six. Thank you, everyone. You can

relax.

Keep one, two, four, five.

Seven, eight, nine, ten.

You getting rid of six?

Cracked you up.

Too cheap.

We don't need those kinds of labs.

Ms. McGusky, I need to see Judge Donnelly. Ed, he really isn't seeing

right now. Well, he's going to have to see me.

Judge Donnelly?

Judge Donnelly, you all right?

Look, Judge, I came to...

Judge, I've known you for

15 years.

I know there's one thing that matters more to you than anything else in this

world, and that's justice.

So when I see you deciding cases by flipping coins and spinning wheels, I

there's something very, very wrong.

Justice, Ed?

Toss of a coin, spin of a wheel, that's all justice ever was.

Or is.

Or ever will be.

Completely random.

Dr.

Burton, you're a very handsome man.

What? Big boned.

Strong. Healthy.

Alpha dog.

And that's just what we're going to sell.

Okay, look, this isn't what I... Let's just listen to what Mr. Foster has to

say. How tall are you?

What does it have to do with being a doctor?

You insult me.

He didn't mean to insult you.

May I remind you, opening is my business. You said knowledge was your

Opening is knowledge.

Knowledge is opening.

So what do I need to do? You need to fall back and let Jack Foster catch you.

How does he do that?

You just say the word.

I'll have a video crew here and we will be shooting our very first TV spot. A TV

commercial? I can't do this. Honey.

Honey.

None of your old patients are coming. No new patients are coming. We are in

debt. Maybe this will get some people in the door. And if you ultimately help

those people, how bad can that be?

Okay.

Jack Foster will catch you.

Ed? Hey, Ms. McGonaghy. Please, come in. Everything okay?

I'm worried about Judge Donnelly. What's going on now? He's still slipping the

coins? He's gone.

He's gone? He left the day you saw him.

Said he was done.

What does that mean, done?

I don't know. He said he was going away and never coming back. Doesn't sound

very good. Have you spoken to him? No, not that he left.

He hasn't come into the office. He's not at home.

Do you have any idea where he could be? Well, he has this cabin up in the...

far remote corner of Lake Mackinac. I've called and called.

He's not answering, but my hunch is that's where he is. Huh.

Um, what about his family? Have you spoken to them?

Well, you know how private the judge is about his business. I don't want to set

off alarm bells.

Right, right.

Look, um, Ms. Bogusky, do you have any idea why the judge is acting this way?

It happened suddenly. One minute he was fine, and the next minute...

What can I do?

Well, I've... I've written out directions, but you haven't.

I'm really worried about him, Ed.

Okay.

I'll go.

I hope he hasn't done something crazy.

Yeah, me too.

Okay, nice poodles, everybody. Let's go again. This time I want to see giraffes.

When I say giraffes, I do not mean poodles with long necks.

Okay? Let's do it, people.

Looking good, five.

Nice work, eight.

What's the matter, nine?

Nothing.

I'm cool.

I'm getting it.

What's your name?

Jacob. Jacob, did you work on this last night? Yeah.

Totally. Really?

That's funny, because I heard you were out till three in the morning sucking on

vodka gimlets and putting the moves on a bunch of sorority suzies. Who told you

that? Eight, four... Jacob, you have got more God -given talent than anyone in

this room.

But if you don't apply yourself, you're going to end up with this.

This is crap.

I know.

Make me proud, Jacob.

Get rid of one, four, ten.

And nine, right?

No.

Jacob's days.

Something in my gut tells me that kid's going all the way.

But he's terrible.

Yeah, you're right. Get rid of him.

All right.

Let's see some walruses.

Do we have any idea where we are right now?

Yes. Yes, we do. You want to take a left at the dog?

What? Mr. McGalsky drew a dog at the intersection.

It can't be a dog. Well, if it is, then it's a gas station with four legs and a

tail.

It is a dog. I know.

I think we should have taken that right turn 40 minutes ago.

Fine. Turn around. Let's take it.

Something wrong?

A little duck.

We're a lot stuck.

Close them.

We rolling?

Rolling. Okay, Mike, I want you to introduce yourself.

Hello.

Hello there.

I can't do this. I don't know how to act.

No, no, no, no, no, Mike. I just want you to be yourself.

So, come on.

Go ahead.

Hello, I'm Dr. Mike Burton.

How's that?

Terrific. Now we'll try one Dr.

Handsome. Then we'll move on.

Dr. Handsome? Hello.

I'm Dr. Handsome. You know, just in case we decide to go that way. I'm not going

to call myself Dr. Handsome.

Fine. Okay.

Moving along then.

Let's get you arriving for work.

What's this for? Well, the hat.

It tells the viewer that you just came in from outside.

I would never wear a hat like this.

Vince Vaughn wore one on the cover of Cigar Aficionado.

I don't care.

Okay.

No hat.

Um, Jerry, give me the dumbbells.

Dumbbells?

Yeah, I want to see you do some curls.

Why? Uh, because people want to know that this guy is going to take good care

them, and we're going to show them that this guy takes great care of himself.

Right? Makes sense, huh?

Yeah, but... Hey, Mike!

I mean, why would you hire me if you don't want to do this? All I want is to

you do a couple of curls.

I mean, you go to the gym, don't you?

You do curls in front of people there. It's not like you refuse on principle to

be seen doing curls by other human beings, is it?

I... Mike, you got to give me something here.

Dr. Burton, take the dumbbells.

All right, go!

I'm so sorry.

Oh. Oh. I give up. I give up.

What do we do?

We need AAA. Try your phone again.

Oh, right.

Oh, there's no signal.

AAA!

AAA!

A little help?

AAA!

Ed, I don't think AAA can hear you out here.

Superman!

Superman!

Well, I guess you better start gathering some wood.

Fine.

Let's think we're spending the night.

Stay tuned.

We'll be right back.

Mike! Mike, look!

It's you!

Woo -hoo!

Holy crap, where'd those women come from?

Hello, I'm Dr. Mike Burton.

Dr. Handsome.

Thank you.

What's this guy doing to me?

I just opened a new office here in town, and I hope you all drop by and say

hello. Oh, my God, he told me he wasn't going to use the dumbbell shot. He told

me he was out of focus.

Why, Dr.

Handsome.

Oh, they shoot back.

That's right, Stuckyville.

Visit Dr. Handsome today.

I'm ruined.

No, honey, it really wasn't that bad.

It wasn't that bad. I'm a joke. It was funny. You were cute.

I'm a whore. I ran into a male whore. Shh. I think you're overreacting, honey.

Really.

Really? Yeah.

What was up with the hat?

I don't know.

I said Vincent Price used to wear them or something.

Oh.

You warming up a little?

Yeah. This fire's great. Thank you. You're welcome.

Ed. Yeah.

Do you always keep a bag of taffy with you? Yeah.

Why? Because taffy is chewy and delicious.

Fair enough.

Listen, I'm sorry I dragged you into this nightmare.

It's all right. It's not your fault. It's just bad luck.

Yeah, the wheel of justice isn't doing us any favors lately, is it?

No. No, it isn't.

Ah, last piece.

Oh, hold on this limb. I'll flip you for it.

Whoa, you've eaten like twice as much as I have. Justice is random, Carol Vesey.

Call it.

Heads. It's yours.

Ha! Yes!

So much depends on the flip of a coin, you know?

What do you mean?

Ah, you're born rich, you're born poor, you're a tall guy, you're a short guy,

you play the French horn, you're tall and deaf.

Boyfriend gets a job in Minnesota, boyfriend doesn't get a job in

Yeah, that too.

You want to get some sleep? We've got a long hike ahead of us.

Goodnight, Calvacy.

You

really

like him, don't you?

What?

Dennis, you really like him, don't you?

Yeah.

I'm happy for you.

There's a sign.

What's it say?

Shenley Road.

Shenley Road. That's on the map.

Are we close?

We should be.

Go on.

There it is. There's the cabin.

All right. Here we go.

Well, Mrs. Gottlieb, it was a pleasure to meet you, and I look forward to

you again. Well, thank you, Dr.

Burton. Oh, and good luck with the practice.

Thanks.

Mike, this is amazing, isn't it? Yeah, I guess. These women are all treating me

oddly.

Mrs. Harris is next. She has something wrong with her elbows.

Mrs. Harris, please.

Dr. Burton?

Mrs. Burton?

Dr. Jerome?

I don't mean to interrupt. I just thought I'd drop by and wish you luck

new practice.

Oh, well, thank you, Dr. Jerome. I brought you a flowering plant. I know it

isn't much. Oh, no, that's nice. Thanks.

I have to admit, Dr.

Burton, that a very big part of me thought that you weren't ready to run a

practice. But I look at you here in this beautiful new office full of patients,

and I realize I must have been mistaken.

So...

Congratulations, Dr.

Handsome.

He reminds me of Don Rickles.

Hello?

Judge Donnelly?

Hello?

Mr. Stevens.

Miss Bessie.

Hello, Your Honor.

Hi. If you're here to borrow a cup of sugar, I must regretfully inform you I

have no sugar. If you're not here to borrow a cup of sugar, get out of my

Your Honor, we... Stop calling me Your Honor.

I'm not a judge anymore.

Who sent you here?

Ms. McGalsky?

Yes. Yes, she's very concerned about you. Everyone is.

What do you want from me?

You want to know if I'm okay? I'm not okay.

You want me to come home? I'm not coming home.

You want me back in court? I'm done with court.

Why?

Because there's no such thing as justice.

Coursera. You think so?

You're wrong.

Jericho released from hospital. Frank Jericho, 22, left Central Hospital

yesterday afternoon after receiving extensive treatment for his injuries.

Jericho sustained grave injuries two months ago when a steel awning collapsed

and found him on Sullivan Street.

Doctors say there's little to no chance he'll ever walk again. The very day of

his freak accident, Jericho had been drafted by the Cincinnati Reds to play

professional baseball.

He was on his way to a restaurant to celebrate with his grandfather, Judge

Travis Donnelly of Stuckeyville. Oh.

Yeah. Should we get going?

No.

There's nothing we can say that's going to change his mind.

How you doing there, big guy?

I'm fine.

Mind if I start calling you big guy from here on in?

If I start now, then when I get old and I can't remember your name anymore, it

won't be so embarrassing.

Come on.

Dinner's ready.

Hey, remember when we first got married and you were going to medical school?

Yeah. And we lived in that teensy tiny little apartment up on Dillon Road.

I don't think I could ever forget that.

Home with a cold water or no water shower.

Oh, yeah.

I blocked that detail out of my mind.

It was fun, though.

Didn't we?

Yeah, I suppose we did.

Remember Saturday pizza night?

That's right. I forgot about that.

One small pie, half pepperoni, and we'd redistribute the pepperoni across the

whole pizza. What did that say? It was like 35 cents?

45. You have to split a Coke.

I want to say those were the days, but I think it's more accurate to just say

those were days.

Call Jack Foster and tell him you want to stop advertising.

I can see how miserable it makes you.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Besides, too much pepperoni gives me gays.

You better call him right now.

Good idea.

Hi. Are you Judge Donnelly's daughter?

Yes. Barbara Jericho. Can I help you?

I'm Ed Stephens. This is my friend Carol.

We need to see your son, Frank.

I'm sorry. This isn't a good time. Ma 'am, we're sorry. We don't mean to be

pushy, but it's about your father. My father?

Has something happened to my father?

He's up at his cabin. He's having a tough time with the news about Frank. I

know. He took it really hard.

I haven't been able to get in touch with him for days.

Well, Mrs. Jericho, we think that your son might be the one to pull your father

out of this.

Mrs. Stevens.

Frank hasn't adjusted to any of this. He barely eats. He doesn't leave his room.

Well, maybe if he knows his grandfather needs him.

Honey.

There's some people here that want to speak with you.

Hey, Frank.

My name's Ed.

Um...

I'm

not going to try to pretend to know what you're going through right now.

And what I'm about to say may sound downright crazy to you at a time like

I need your help.

Frank, I've known your grandfather for a very long time, and he's in a pretty

bad way right now.

I'm really worried about him. A lot of us are.

It seems when this happened to you, he lost

faith.

of the world is supposed to work.

I can't say I blame him for feeling that way.

But I don't think that means you can just give up.

You're here to tell me not to give up?

No.

Your grandfather needs you to tell him not to give up.

Thank you.

Let the show go on!

Number six instead.

Who gives a crap anymore?

So I spoke with Judge Donnelly today.

Is he doing better?

Seems a lot more like his old self.

No more coin flipping?

No.

That's a relief.

Justice has been officially de -randomized.

Justice. Maybe.

Life, no.

It's true, you know. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you...

Try your life's constantly being changed by all these random events totally out

of your control Yeah,

I Gotta get to the airport. I'm gonna pick up

Dennis.

He's back.

Yeah. Hey, did he get that job?

I don't know between him and one other guy Wow, so 50 -50

yeah

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