Original subtitles

Previously on Ed... This is a bit new for me.

Really? Which part would that be?

The part where I sleep with my boss.

Ed and I can smell this coming a mile away.

Oh, you haven't told him yet, have you? No. Is she your cousin or your sister or

something? Is that what's got you upset at my date? I have to admit, I was wrong

about Dennis Martino.

Princess for you. Thank you.

And a lumberjack breakfast for you. Thank you.

Gotta love a girl that orders a lumberjack. What can I say?

I'm a sucker for variety.

So what does Dennis like for breakfast?

Ed. Oh, come on. I'm just curious.

See, I'm the guy. Hex Benedict.

Golden Grahams. What?

I wouldn't know.

Oh, come on. You're trying to tell me you don't know what your own boyfriend

likes for breakfast?

Dennis Martino is not my boyfriend.

What?

Carol, I'm a perceptive guy.

I see things. I hear things.

You also taste, touch, and smell things. You got all five senses. Way to go.

Are you trying to tell me nothing has happened between you and Dennis?

That's right.

Drop it.

Okay, then.

Good.

My mistake.

Win it.

It's my moment in the sun.

Oh, how beautiful I'll be.

But in a normal sort of way.

Like I am you and you are I.

Dear, dear Kenneth, what are you doing to that zucchini?

I'm julienning it like you told me to. You're chopping it. I'm julienning it.

With all due respect, Kenny. I'm julienning this son of a bitch.

Here, let me show you.

You hold, and then you slice.

You hold, and then you slice.

It would be so incredibly wise of you to stop touching me right now. Hey, guys.

What's cooking?

I'll tell you what's cooking, Bosco. The future of this town.

We're inventing a food.

The year, 1964.

The place, the anchor bar, Buffalo, New York. The owner of that bar, Teresa

Bellissimo, douses a batch of deep -fried crispy chicken wings with savory

sauce, and thus, a legend is born.

Buffalo wings?

Yes. And what the buffalo wing did for Buffalo, Kenneth and I are going to do

for Stuckyville.

Is that right?

All right, what do you got?

Strawberry tall cake.

You should have told him.

I didn't really mean to lie to Ed. It just sort of slipped out.

You're not going to tell him, are you? Look, whatever happened between me and

Dennis has been over for weeks now, so why tell Ed?

You know what?

You have a point. I mean, maybe it's just best to pretend it never happened.

I wish it never happened.

Molly, whatever you do, wherever life takes you, follow this simple advice.

Don't date the boss.

I'm still making my way through the students.

Right.

Yeah, I'm kidding.

I don't understand the Outback Steakhouse.

What? I don't get the concept.

What does steak have to do with Australia? Nothing. It's like you have a

Greenland spaghetti house.

Yeah, honey, I really wouldn't let it bother you. I can't help it. That's my

of logic.

Listen up! Listen up! Hey!

Mr. Pizzuti!

Hi, everybody.

Listen, I'm turning 50 this Sunday, and I want everybody to enjoy your next

round courtesy of me, Mr. Ralph Pizzuti III. How's that sound?

It's nice of him.

Mr. Pizzuti is the greatest. I thought you worked at his fish store somewhere

a freshman year. Would you, too?

I spent most of my time deveining shrimp.

Sweet gig.

It's good, sister.

Hey, Mr. Fitzgerald. Congratulations. Why don't you guys come join us? Oh, my

pleasure. You guys know my wife, Kay?

Hi, Carol. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. The law business.

Dr. Burns.

Hi. So, uh, 50, huh? Yes, sir. I walked this planet for half a century.

Walked? You're setting your ass for half a century.

Filthy as charge, I do love sitting on my ass.

So what are you going to do to celebrate?

Oh, Lord.

Kay's getting tired of me talking about my birthday plans.

Why? What are they?

Okay, Ed. Here's the thing.

I'm turning 50. Big birthday, right? Yeah. So I deserve something good.

Sure.

Well, what I want is one thing.

I want two days of freedom.

Freedom? Yeah, yeah.

48 hours to do whatever I want.

No restrictions.

I can eat whatever I want, I can drink whatever I want, and I can smoke

I want. And he can sleep with whatever he wants.

Well, should I so choose to exercise my freedom in that particular direction?

Yes. Mr. Pizzuti?

She's judging me. You're judging me. Well, how could I? Mrs. Burton, I have

a model husband to Kay for over 25 years.

I treat her great. I work hard. I put the kids through college. And I have

utterly and completely faithful for 25 years.

All I ask in return is two days.

You're with me, right?

Yeah. Oh, yes.

Ralph, you're embarrassing yourself here. These people are not Puritans.

They know the reality of the world. Which is what?

Guys love sexy ladies.

They can't get enough of them. It's got nothing to do with how they feel about

their wives.

Right, Mike?

Yeah, I'm going to plead the fifth on that, Mr. Pizzuti.

Ed? What about me?

It's like a steak, right?

A steak.

Yeah. If I eat a steak and I enjoy the steak, does that mean I'm in love with

the steak?

No. Does that mean that Kay should be jealous of the steak?

Of course not, right? Come on. He's a jackass.

Hey, speaking of steak, Mr. Pizzuti, what do you think of the Outback

Steakhouse? Pretty good. I once had three orders of the Bloomin' Onion in

sitting. I repeat, jackass. But you'll love me anyway.

What's with the outfit?

I got a trig test today. Figured I'd try dressing for success.

You look like Mr.

Belvedere. I'll take that.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Jessica.

So what's the deal? You taking her out or not?

I am taking her out. She said she'd go out with me.

You really think she meant it?

Wait, you don't think so?

It's your take, Snyder. You think Jessica's actually going to go out with

mongoose? I believe she might.

Nice small thanks to me.

You have to ask her first.

What? No, she already said she'd go out with me.

Uh, she said she'd go out with you sometime.

You didn't set a date.

You've got to pin her down to a time and place.

Uh, I don't know. Maybe I better just, like, lay low and see what develops.

Lay low?

What are you waiting for, Arbor Day?

Time to bust a move, Cheswick.

Miss Bessie, please report to the principal's office, please.

Miss Bessie, to the principal's office, please.

Thank you.

You called for me?

Yeah.

Come on in.

Close the door.

Sit down.

Have a seat.

So? So you want to have dinner with me Saturday night?

What? Do you want to have dinner with me Saturday night? You called me in here

to ask me that? Yeah.

Are you kidding me? Is this some sort of joke?

No, it's no joke.

I'm sorry.

Let me just... Get this straight. You slept with me, then you brought another

girl to the Christmas party, and now you want to have dinner with me.

Christmas party? Carol, we're both adults, right?

Why are we acting like kids?

You're dodging me in the hall.

We haven't spoken to each other since that stupid Christmas party. What, are

going to avoid each other forever? I don't know, Dennis. I actually hadn't

planned that far. Well, why don't we have dinner together and we can just get

past all this?

There's something seriously wrong with you.

How about Chinese?

I mean, after all this, I'm just supposed to go out to dinner with you as

nothing ever happened.

Yeah. So what do you say?

No.

You ready, Bosco? I think you're really going to like this one. Go ahead.

Voila.

Sandwich. A grape sandwich.

Ed.

Kay. We got a job for you.

Oh, good.

Excuse me, fellas.

Well, yeah, just help me out here for a second. Now, what is it you don't like?

Is it the grapes? Is it the bread? Help me salvage something here. Michael.

Touch of cream cheese, perhaps.

So what can I do for you folks? Ask the birthday boy.

Ralph, she's given me my 48 hours.

You are? Mm -hmm. I've been thinking it through, and you know what?

Ralph is right.

He's a good man.

He deserves two days to do whatever he wants.

Honey, it was a joke. That's all it was.

See, now that I'm saying yes, he's making out like the whole thing was a

But I know Ralph, and he wouldn't joke about something like that unless he

really wanted it. So then I'm not really sure why you're here to see me, though.

Well, you're a good lawyer. That's what I hear. An honest man, right?

I do my best.

When the 48 hours is through, I don't want to wonder about what took place.

You're going to go with Ralph, and then you're going to report to me when it's

over. You want me to... Tell me what he did.

No details, for God's sake. Just the broad strokes, okay?

If I know what happened, then I can deal with it.

Okay, I'm not really sure I can do that. I'm not going to take no for an answer.

Okay? I guess you guys got a lot of planning to do.

Knock yourself out, honey.

Okay, okay. Take it easy. See you later. This is a very bad idea.

I think it's a trap. She's trying to trick me, Ed. Right, right. She just

to see if you'll say no.

Yeah, that's got to be it.

You're going to say no, right?

Yeah, yeah, I'm going to say no.

I'm sorry about this. It's okay, Ralph. Not a problem. See you later. Send me

the bill.

Okay.

Miss Bessie, please report to the principal's office.

Miss Bessie.

To the principal's office, please.

Gotta stop.

What gotta stop?

Dennis, you are my boss. If you're gonna call me in here, it better be about

business. No, it's about business.

It is? Yes, it is.

The Chinese food business.

It needs our support.

Oh, you are such a jerk. Carol, come on. I brought one date to one stupid

Christmas party.

You're blowing this way out of proportion. No, I'm not.

No, I'm not. And there's something you should realize before you keep calling

in here and wasting your time. I know who you are.

I've been in relationships with guys exactly like you ever since I was a

teenager. You're not so special, Dennis.

I no longer find you intriguing.

I no longer find you compelling.

I find you ordinary, dull, and predictable.

As a matter of fact, you're just like every other manipulative jerk who's used

to getting what he wants.

Carol.

You know, there is one thing about you that's special. You are the last. jerk

I'm going to date.

Congratulations.

You've heard of chili dogs, right? Yes.

Chowder dogs.

Also available Manhattan style.

Nice, fella.

Excuse me, fellas.

Everything okay?

Yeah, so, uh, I'm gonna do it.

What? I'm gonna do it. Kay's letting me do it. I wanna do it.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. You're not serious.

Oh, I'm serious.

Let's go buy pants. I need new pants.

I can't wear these pants.

Hang on a second. Time out. Hold on a second.

Ralph, last time we spoke, you said you weren't going to do it. It's a trick or

a trap. I'm not going to do it, remember?

I tried.

You tried? Yeah, but she won't let me say no.

What do you mean she won't let you say no?

We talked it through, and I think she really wants to let me do this.

This is crazy.

Come on. We've got to get ready.

Hey, Jess.

Oh, hey, Warren.

Looking at shoes?

Uh -huh.

That's cool.

I could use a new pair myself.

I've had these wallabies since I was like 12.

So, like, remember how you said we could, like, do something sometime or,

hang out or whatever?

Uh -huh.

Is this Saturday night okay?

You probably got plans, right? You've got plans, so don't worry about it.

cool. Catch you later. Actually, this Saturday is fine.

Fine. In what way?

For going out.

Oh, right.

Right. Okay, cool.

Awesome.

Seven o 'clock?

Sounds great. Great.

All right, well, we'll see you later. Okay.

Bye, Warren.

Oh, I forgot which one of us was looking at shoes.

It was you.

Yeah. Okay.

Bye. Bye, Warren.

When you're done with me, I want to treat my buddy here to a manicure.

I don't really need a manicure. You ever have a manicure?

No. You're going to love it. It makes you feel like a movie star. Mr. Pizzuti,

you genius. I want to shake your hand. As soon as my polish dries.

Mike, what are you doing here?

Here to congratulate Mr.

Ralph Pizzuti, my new hero.

Why am I the only guy that doesn't understand this whole thing?

Well, Ed, because we're married guys, and you're not.

That's right, there's not a married guy in this world that wouldn't want this

opportunity. I don't believe that. Oh, no, it's true. They might not admit it,

especially to their wives, but trust me, Ed, trust me, they'd want it. There's

something so depressing about all this. Wrong again, Irene. It's not depressing,

it's uplifting.

What's uplifting about a guy who's not being satisfied by his wife?

I am satisfied with my wife. He's totally and completely satisfied with

wife. And yet he wants to sleep with another woman.

That's correct.

I don't get it. Well, because you're not a married guy.

Hey, this bottle says temporary. How temporary is it?

It washes right out.

Right. Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Come on, Mike.

Ten bucks, Ed.

Hey.

Me? Solid gold.

You have a free period now, right?

Yes.

Could you spare a moment to chat?

When I shave, I use one of those cheap plastic razors.

You know why?

No, I can honestly say I have no idea why, Janet.

Well... My uncle once gave me a razor with a gold -plated handle.

Beautiful, as razors go.

But, you know, one day I lost it, left it in a hotel room in Boston, gone

forever. Oh.

So, now I use, you know, the cheap plastic ones.

Use them, lose them, throw them away. Doesn't matter, they're disposable.

I see.

Do you?

I'm an English teacher, Dennis.

Analogy and metaphor come easily, but I find this one discomforting.

I have a lot of bad habits, Carol.

One of them is that I'm afraid to own a gold -plated razor because guys like me,

we always lose them.

Guys like you.

What does that mean?

Guys like you.

Why don't you just go on and say it?

Former alcoholics.

You've been sober, what, two and a half years now? When are you going to stop

hiding behind that?

Well, you brought that woman to the Christmas party after we slept together.

That was just... Crappy behavior.

Former alcoholic.

You know, there's no such thing as a former alcoholic.

You sign on for life.

And when things go bad and you lose everything, again, you want disposable

razors, disposable jobs, girlfriends, everything.

I brought the girl to the party because I was trying to make you disposable.

Dennis, I'm very sorry for everything you've been through.

I couldn't. Couldn't what?

Couldn't make you disposable.

Why not?

Because I like you, Carol.

And I want to get to know you better.

And I want to be with you.

So I'm asking you to forgive me.

What's this?

Well, my very own gold -plated razor. I've always wanted one of these.

Although that's not bad for you.

How do you think it's going between you and Jim?

Terrible.

Really? No.

No, they're amazing. They're amazing.

I just didn't want to jinx it.

Nice, that's good.

Where's your old boy been? Anyway.

Traveling and selling, selling and traveling.

He's a good man.

Solid. Yeah.

He is.

I really like him.

Speaking of romances, Kara told me about her and Dennis.

What?

You're trying to trick me.

I think I just did.

What do you mean?

I didn't say anything.

Yeah, but...

If there was nothing going on between them, you wouldn't have thought I was

trying to trick you. You just would have said, what are you talking about?

But you didn't.

This is unfair.

I so do not want to get in the middle of this. Don't.

It's fine. Don't worry about it.

Carol's going to kill me.

Why? No big deal.

At all.

I think you should legally change your name to Maurice.

I think you should legally change your name to Moron. I'm not kidding, man.

Maurice is very continental.

You should learn to smoke like a French guy.

Sorry, guys. We don't seat for dinner until five.

Hey, hey, hey, no. We're not here to eat. I'm here because I need a little

favor. A chooch. Guy -to -guy style. You know what I'm saying, Colonel? What?

Right, so tomorrow night I'm bringing a lady friend in for dinner. Now, I can

see by the way you carry yourself, the solid tie matching the shirt, the wire

-rimmed glasses. You strike me as a guy who really understands the broads. Am I

right about that, Colonel? I think I am. What are you calling me, Colonel? I

understand that I'm getting a little help tomorrow night, a little rocket

a little tailwind, a little... Just to make sure things go my way, right?

Right. You know what I mean.

He wants a good table.

Dude, I'm working here, okay?

Yes, my good man. I'm going to need that table in the corner right over there.

Okay.

That's a four -top.

And if it's just you and a date, I gotta put you guys at a two -top.

It's like a commandment around here.

Yes, it is just the two of us.

But perhaps my 20 friends will help you change your mind.

It's a $20 bill.

And you can take it and spend it on something.

You gotta be kidding me. No, I'm not kidding at all. This is awesome.

Now look, this is a big night for me, all right? It's a very big night.

I need to make sure I have a good table.

Oh, and I brought some special music, too.

Cole Porter and Ella Fitzgerald, cheek to cheek. It's highly romantic.

You have the idea about the chef, too. Oh, right. Yes, thank you. The chef.

Could he come over and ask if everything's to my satisfaction?

And I'd like it if he could call me Mr.

Cheswick. Kid, this isn't the kind of place. I mean, maybe I can slide you

extra stuffed potato skins or something. Potato skins? No, come on. Focus,

please. This is the most important night of my life.

All right, look.

Keep the 20, and I'll take care of you.

Seriously?

Yeah, I remember my first date.

You're awesome.

Thank you. So tomorrow night at 8, right?

Okay, and, uh... Wait, what's your name?

Roger. Roger. Okay, awesome. Roger. Roger.

Uh, do you... Keep that.

Great. Hey, Mike, uh... Do you remember how I said things were gonna start

happening between Carol and Dennis?

Yeah. Things will start happening between Carol and Dennis.

You ever think of just grabbing Carol one day and kissing her?

I think Carol and I sort of missed our moment.

Well, moment's returned, buddy.

That's okay. I just wish you hadn't lied to me.

Hello, gentlemen. Whoa, hello. Look at you.

Great suit.

Oh, you like it? Yeah. The guy told me it drapes nice. You think it drapes

It does. It drapes very nice. What do you think? I think it drapes pretty

Ralph, there's still time to turn back. This is going to drive a stake right

through the very heart of your marriage. Well, thanks for the update, Captain

Catastrophe.

Hey, without further ado, let's head for the ladies. Yeah. See you later.

Boy.

What's the matter there, Ralph?

You want to screw up your life? Let's get on with it.

It's been a long time since I've done this. 27 years to be exact. I just got

get the old sea legs back, that's all.

Hey, Mr. Rizzutti, we should practice.

Can you pretend I'm a girl and we'll have a practice conversation?

This ain't Sleepless in Seattle, Chachi.

Now step aside and let the starving man have at the buffet.

This is so wrong.

I pronounced it buffet.

I'm ready to go.

Hello, ladies.

Hey, perfect.

An impartial third party. Can you settle something for us? Absolutely.

Okay, which word is funnier?

Pimento, lugubrious, or squid?

Oh, now when I answer this, am I going to hurt somebody's feelings? Well,

going to break two of our hearts.

Oh, boy, lots of pressure. Let's see.

Pimento, that second one, or squid?

No question. Pimentos.

Oh, not again. We're doing business with you, Gail.

Hey, what's your name?

Ralph. Ralph, you just got yourself a free drink. Oh, my lucky day.

And I don't even like pimentos.

All right, that's a funny word. Come in. Tell us your story.

Gato.

Well, it's either Darth Vader or Mom.

No.

Cheryl, hey.

Hi. Hey. Hey, guys.

Hi.

Oh, my.

God, he's actually going through with this? Oh, yeah. And you know who the

hero is, don't you?

Didn't know there were any heroes here, Mike. Ralph's wife.

Oh, this will be good. I'm serious. Think about it, Nance.

She's strong. She's secure.

She loves her man.

She knows her man loves her. She's confident in that love.

So much so that she allows him this meaningless pleasure.

It's actually quite beautiful, I think.

Forget it, honey. It's never going to happen.

Oh, what, you think I'm talking about me? I'm not talking about me, Nance.

You think I was talking about me? Tell you what, for your 200th birthday, you

can have yourself a bicentennial grab app. I was not talking about me, Nancy.

Yeah.

What's going on?

Nothing. No, I should go check up on Ralph. I'm supposed to be keeping tabs

him. Okay.

I think it's the P -men followed by the toe.

P -men -toe, P -men -toe. Hey, Eddie, my boy, join us.

Hello, everyone. Hi. Hi.

This is Renata. She works in a hat store.

And the lovely Mary Ann, bank teller extraordinaire.

And Thelma, what's that you do again? Mall cop. Mall cop, right. How could I

forget that? Oh, my God, it's almost 10 .30. We've got to go.

Oh, what, are you leaving? Oh, sorry, Ralph. We're supposed to meet up with

friends. Oh, don't go. We're having a great time. What are you going to do?

Come on, what about the pimento? I mean, we're all loving it, right? I know, but

we promised our friends. Well, a promise is a promise.

But anyway, we'll be back here next Thursday night. Maybe we'll see you

Bye, Ralph. Bye. Bye -bye.

Pimento.

Yeah, I knew it was too good to be true. Well, you tried. What are you going to

do? Come on, let's call it a night.

No, I'm just warming up here.

Ed. Yeah.

Could I talk to you for a minute?

Sure.

Something's wrong.

Why do you ask?

Um, you seem weird.

You think something's wrong? Yes.

What could be wrong?

I don't know, Ed. Molly told me about you and Dennis.

About me and Dennis?

What did she say?

I don't know what's going on between me and Dennis.

We, um... Okay, well, we kissed. Whoa, whoa.

Not interested. Really, not interested.

I'm sorry.

It's funny, Carol.

You didn't even hem and haw.

I asked you if anything happened between you and Dennis. You just outright lied,

point blank. Didn't hesitate.

If I didn't stop you, you would have done it again just now.

I said I'm sorry.

Me too.

Ralph, I've got to tell you, I'm having a bad day. What do you say we go on a

home call tonight? You'll have tomorrow.

Oh, my God, Jamie Brown.

What's Jamie Brown? Jamie!

Hey, Ralph.

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, this is Ed. Ed, this is Jamie.

I get my ice from her at the fish store.

Hi. First time I've seen you all dolled up.

And vice versa.

Yeah, you look pretty good tonight there, Jamie Brown.

Vice versa again.

Okay, so we're going to go.

Jamie, very nice to meet you. Good luck with your ice business. I'm sure there's

some joke out there about it not being all it's cracked up to be. Not on the

rocks, but... Okay, so here we go. Ready, Ralph?

No, I'm staying. Okay, well, maybe we should go. Big day tomorrow. Big load of

trout coming in in the morning. So, Ralph, let's go. Do you dance? Do I

Oh, boy.

I make the Jackson 5 look like four people.

Does that make any sense?

I think it does.

This is trouble.

That's right, yeah. Oh, it's great. Yeah, it's different.

All right. Did I show you a little something on that dance floor or what?

sure did.

You moved pretty well for a big man.

Thank you.

Jamie, do you mind waiting up there in the lobby? I'll be right there.

Promise? Yeah.

Okay, Ed. I'll take it from here.

Ralph, I'm only going to say this one more time. Don't do it.

Ed, I've been married to my wife for 25 years.

She's the only woman I've ever loved in every sense of the word. Do you

understand that? So why ruin it now? Ruin it?

Do you think what happens in there can ruin 25 years of marriage?

There's not another woman on this planet that could put the slightest dent in my

feelings for Kay.

She's the sun.

She's the moon. She's the trees. She's everything.

And you know what the one thing she is more than anything to me?

What's that?

She's my best friend, and she wants me to have this.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Come and get it, folks. Be a part of culinary history.

Three samples of the taste sensation that is sweeping the nation. One line,

please. Phil, what's going on? We've hit the mother load, Bosco. All that hard

work finally paid off. We've got something here that'll be tickling taste

as long as there are taste buds to tickle.

Here you go, Chief.

These are buffalo wings.

Uh -uh.

These are Stuckyville wings.

Hey, Ralph.

Can we talk? Yeah.

Excuse me.

You

couldn't

do it.

You couldn't do it, you big old bear, could you?

You wanted to do it. You wanted to do it when it came time for the moment of

truth. You couldn't pull the trigger, so to speak, could you?

No. I knew it. I knew it.

No, I mean as a no, you're wrong.

What? I did it.

You did it?

Yes, I did.

No, you didn't. You didn't do it.

I did. It was great.

No, it wasn't. It wasn't great. You didn't do it. You couldn't go through

it. I really did.

Oh, I don't believe this.

Listen, I don't think we should tell Kay.

What? It only hurt her. Yeah, but that's the deal.

You get to do what you did as long as she knows the truth.

But if we tell her that I couldn't go through with it, look how happy she'll

Yeah, that's what I've been saying from the start.

So we're in agreement?

No, we're not in agreement. I promised to tell her the truth.

Well, don't think about you.

Think about her.

Uh,

Dennis.

Harold. I've given a lot of thought to what you said to me.

And?

And, um...

I'm going to give you a chance.

Really? You sure?

No. Smart.

There's something you should know about me though, Dennis. I'm not disposable.

And the first time I think that you think I am, I'm gone. Forever.

Fiery, defiant, always like that?

I'm serious.

Okay.

Okay. So, dinner tomorrow night?

I can't tomorrow night. I have a date.

That's a joke.

Mm -hmm.

And Jessica's watching me with those eyes.

And she's loving me with that body, I just know it.

Lather, rinse, and tonight we definitely repeat.

Oh, I hear Jessica.

I want, want Jessica.

Man, what a line.

It's cool.

I don't know.

It's not cool. I don't think a pretty lady like yourself should have to wait

a table.

No, it's fine, really.

No, no, no.

Well, let's just see what old Warren Cheswick can do, shall we?

Pardon me, just separating the wheat from the chaff. Thank you.

Excuse me. Sorry, ma 'am.

Sorry.

Yes, hello.

Uh, where's Roger? He's out sick.

Can I have your name?

Warren Cheswick, what do you mean he's out sick?

It'll be about an hour and 15 minutes.

No, no, I talked to Roger. That's my table over there.

Oh, sorry, buddy. First come, first serve.

No, you don't understand. You see, I talked to Roger, okay?

And we had the music planned, and the chef was going to come over.

I had special music.

Roger! Roger!

Buddy, I'm going to have to ask you to wait over there.

Roger!

Warren, it's okay.

I don't mind waiting.

No, no, no. It's cool. It's cool.

That's our table over there.

Warren!

Hi. Excuse me. Excuse me, sir. I'm sorry.

There's been a bit of a misunderstanding. You see, I had this

okay? It's just a simple bookkeeping error, really. But what we're going to

is I'm going to have a busboy come on. He's going to wrap up your food in some

nice aluminum foil swans, and you'll be on your merry way, okay?

Busboy! Busboy, can we get some swans out here, please?

Thank you for your cooperation. I'm going to see if we can throw in some

pies for you.

Roy, pass the gravy.

No, no, no, no, no. Warren, it's okay, really.

No, no, it's okay.

Okay, come on. Sorry.

So, what happens now?

What happens now?

I don't know.

Why don't you tell me?

I, um... I had a big talk with Dennis

today, and we are together.

Again. Oh.

This is cute.

It's really cute. All of a sudden, it's Honesty Fest 2000.

I apologized for lying.

I really don't care about you and Dennis.

We're not a couple. I make no claims on you.

You can do whatever you want.

All you have to do is tell me about it and all this could have been avoided.

Wow, now I'm blind.

What's that?

Ed, when you were with Bonnie Hayne, you avoided telling me. No, no, no. At

least at first you did. And I was mad.

And I yelled, how dare you not tell me? And I wouldn't have cared if only you'd

been up front about it. But the truth is, I was upset that you were with her

all. What are you saying?

You're saying that what I'm really upset about is that you're with Dennis?

No. What are you saying?

I'm saying that you and I have become really, really good.

Friends. And sometimes it's not so easy for boys and girls to be just friends.

And I know.

Because it's not so easy for me.

My favorite character? I gotta go with Hagrid.

That dude was enormous.

Who was yours?

I thought Hermione was hilarious.

All right, this is a little embarrassing, but until I saw the movie,

it was pronounced Hermione.

Me too.

Oh, really?

Hermione. Yeah.

That's what it looks like. I know.

Okay, what was your least favorite part?

Oh, it's got to be the lame computer animated centaur. They should have just

taken a real guy and attached a fake horse butt to him. I know.

Exactly. Right? Fake horse butt. Hello.

Jess, you are so different than I thought you'd be.

What do you mean?

No, no, no, in a good way. God, in a really, really good way.

Because, like, I'm used to thinking of you as, like, ooh, Jessica Martel, you

know? But you're so, like, down to earth and smart and stuff.

It's awesome.

And that surprises you?

Yeah.

So you're basically saying that you're surprised I'm not dumb?

And that I'm not, like, a jerk?

No, no, no, no, no.

No, I didn't say... No, no, forget I said anything stupid.

No, Warren, you said it, and I want to know what you meant.

I mean, what did I ever say or do in your presence to make you think I'm a

stupid airhead bitch? Whoa, whoa, Jessica, shh.

Easy, no, every... Hey, hey, everything's fine. We're having fun.

We're having a lovely chat about Harry Potter.

So what did you think of the Quidditch? I thought they nailed it.

Here's what I'm curious about.

If you had such a low opinion of me as a person,

Why'd you ask me out?

What do you mean? Because I liked you. I did like you.

You don't even know me, Warren.

How can you like someone you don't even know?

Gee, I don't suppose my looks have anything to do with it.

Jessica, that's not it. When you asked me out, you were like, aren't you tired

of guys like Fozcat?

And I realized, yeah.

I'm sick of those stupid, shallow relationships.

So, explain to me how you're any different from Fozcat, because, you

now, I'm sure not seeing it.

Barb.

I'm going home.

Wait. Wait, Jess.

Shh.

Jessica, wait.

Jessica, please stop.

That went smoothly, didn't it? What are you doing here? I think I missed the

result of my grand experiment.

I guess not.

That was Jessica Martella. Everything you imagined she'd be.

No.

She's so much cooler.

Okay, Ralph, please, have a seat.

Well, Ralph wants you to tell me what happened.

Uh, right, well, uh... The thing is...

I did it, honey.

I asked Dad to lie to you. I thought it would make you feel better if I didn't

go through with it. But we haven't lied to each other in 25 years, and I'm not

going to start lying now.

Okay, then.

Let's go.

Wait, wait.

Wait a moment.

You're fine with that? You don't actually care that your husband slept

another woman?

I wouldn't say that I don't care.

Then what?

Ralph and I are best friends.

My friend wanted to have an experience, so I made a sacrifice.

But he cheated on you.

You know, Ed, I read somewhere that 70 % of all married men cheat on their

wives, and most of those wives never find out.

This wasn't cheating.

Cheating is lying.

Ralph didn't lie.

Okay, right, but what he did do doesn't...

Does that not change everything?

You know what two people go through in 25 years of marriage?

No, ma 'am.

I don't.

Well, then I'll tell you.

Five births, three deaths, four college graduations, one flood, two fires,

three layoffs, one night in a South Carolina jail.

Two foreclosures, one four -year -old with a croup, one seven -year -old with

dyslexia, one 12 -year -old with

38 stitches.

One meaningless night in a bar with a girl barely even makes a list.

You want to go to the diner and get some eggs?

Yeah.

Yeah. It's after midnight.

Can we talk?

Yes, sure.

Ralph did it.

What? Ralph slept with another woman.

Are you serious? I thought for sure he wasn't going to go through with it. I

know. Me too. He did.

His wife, Kay, she was amazing.

Wasn't she upset?

She was upset.

But she said that they were best friends. She wanted to make a sacrifice

best friend.

What really mattered to her is that Ralph didn't lie to her.

So it got me thinking about you and I and how we've been through a lot of

I mean, not 25 years worth of stuff like Ralph and Kate.

We've been through some stuff.

Yeah, we have.

And seeing the two of them together, it just made me realize that, look, the

only way we're going to remain friends in the long run is if we're honest with

one another.

I've apologized.

And I've apologized and I really don't know what else to say. I'm not talking

about you.

I mean me.

You know, I was the one that wasn't honest.

About what?

I don't like the fact that you're with Dennis.

But I can deal with it, though, as long as there are no surprises.

You know, as long as I'm not the guy in the dark, as long as I'm not the guy

always left to find things out, you know?

Yes, I do. And you can tell Dennis.

You know, he doesn't have to keep this whole thing a big secret.

Okay.

I'll tell him.

Okay.

Now.

Hmm?

I'll tell him now.

Oh.

Good night.

Carol. Yeah.

That's one ugly robe.

Excuse me?

Just being honest.

I appreciate that.

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