Original subtitles

Are you ready for my traditional hilarious morning after job?

Okay.

Hi, I'm Ed Stephens, and you are?

So, how do you like your eggs?

Wait.

I'm sorry.

Let me guess.

Denver on.

Actually, I think I'm just going to grab something quick on my way to the

office.

Wait a minute. It's Saturday morning, buddy.

Yeah, but I have a lot of work to do. We're talking dead ramen here. The

only breakfast just named after the Mile High City.

Take a rain check.

Okay.

Sure.

Hey. Hey.

So?

So what? So how was last night?

Last night?

It was great. It was great. That's all you have to say? Come on, on a scale of

one to ten, what are we talking here?

Eleven. An eleven?

Seriously? You're giving her an 11?

No. You're giving me an 11.

Ed, please.

I'm a married man. I need adjectives. I need adverbs. I need prepositional

phrases. You know, Mike, I'm not even sure last night was such a good idea.

11 .18 a .m., February 10, 2001.

What's that? The moment Ed Stevens became a homosexual.

Nice.

Fine, Ed. You'll have my full support as you embark on your new life. Mike, I'm

not... I'm not complaining about the sex. It was great. It's just I can't

figure out what Bonnie's deal is. We've got nothing in common. We spend all our

time yelling at one another, and it's hard to see a future in all of this.

I hope we didn't take it too far, you know?

Hey, you going to tell Carol about last night? I don't know, because I didn't

tell her my first date with Bonnie. She went nuts.

But this is a different thing, and I don't think I can tell her.

Hey, thanks, Roy.

Oh, so Denver Omelette? Yeah.

I love Denver Omelette.

Thank you.

Phil, what is this?

Welcome to the Phil Stubbs Lovatorium.

What? Valentine's Day is right around the corner, so I figured, why not find a

way for lonely, stuck abilities to come and meet... Listen, why don't we save

the part where you explain the idea to me, I say no, you do it anyway, and

instead, tell me how much money you think you're going to make, and I will

you that money right now, my friend, and then you won't have... What?

It's like watching a six -year -old trying to buy the whole candy store with

handful of pennies.

Phil, you're... Eddie. Oh, hey, pretty lady.

Welcome to the Phil Stubbs Lovatorium.

Uh, thanks.

Um, Eddie, I need to talk to you about something.

Oh, yeah, sure, come on. Hey, if you're looking for a little action a little

later on tonight, why don't you come on by, park that suite in behind in one of

my folding chairs of love.

Thanks, Phil. But, um, as you may have noticed, I'm married.

Yeah, I know. But we can all use a little extra something on the schneid.

Do you understand what he's saying? Not a word since we met.

Ah.

This is our Reverend Carver you're talking about.

Yep. Thomas and Carver at the grocery store, and she said they're firing him.

They gave him two weeks' notice. Who did? God?

Board of the church, I think.

Why? I don't know.

Eddie, this is why I need you to talk to him. You know, he's a lawyer. Sure.

I hate to see him go.

I mean, he married me and Mike.

Married me and Liz.

Yeah, but still.

Oh, oh, I almost forgot.

I might tell him to give you this.

Ten bucks if you call Reverend Carver Padre.

Idiot.

Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, Trust thyself.

Every heart vibrates to that iron string.

So I ask again, what does it really mean to trust thyself?

Emerson was a smart guy.

Used a lot of big words.

He must know what he was talking about.

So what is that inner voice that tells us right from wrong?

And why should we trust it?

What if it's wrong?

In five minutes, that man right there gives you enough stuff to think about

five years.

Plenty of men and women a lot smarter than me have spent their lives trying to

answer these questions.

So why don't we all just think on them for a while and talk again next week.

May God's blessings be with you always.

Oh, you want to talk to him? Yeah.

Nancy!

Reverend!

How's that beautiful baby of yours? Oh, she's fine.

Thank you. And that big, goofy husband. He's fine, too. Thanks.

You know Ed Stevens?

Yes. Ed here used to sing in my choir.

Had a voice like a goat with a tracheotomy.

Thanks, Reverend.

I hear you're having some trouble.

Yes. They're going to fire me, Ed. I didn't know you guys could be fired.

say you guys, I'm... You mean guys of the cloth.

Yes. The fact is the president of the church can hire and fire ministers just

like any other employee.

What's his complaint with you?

Attendance is down, and he says I'm violating my contract by not doing more

boost it.

Me, I always thought my job was to minister to my congregation, not pack

place. I guess Dick Knight sees it differently.

Dick... Did you say Dick Knight?

The car salesman?

Yeah, that's the man.

He's president of this congregation?

Afraid so. I got elected last fall.

Then, Reverend, I'd really like to help you. If you let me read your employment

contract, I'll talk to Dick Knight and see if we can't sort this out for you.

Thank you, Ed. You're welcome, Padre.

You've been watching too many reruns of MASH.

Yes, sir.

Look how he sits and eats so quietly.

Yeah, you'd think he'd give us some little hint, some indication.

I was with him all morning, and he mentioned nothing.

Okay, you guys want to hear about my big date with Bonnie Hane? Not really, I

mean, unless you want to tell us something.

Okay, fine.

I was just bluffing, let's hear it.

Yeah, yeah, enough with the stalling, let's go.

Okay, I picked up at 8, and we went to the drive -in movie where we held hands

for the entire movie, and afterwards we went for ice cream sodas whereupon we

met up with Archie Jughead and the gang, and then we went to Inspiration Point.

What'd you do there? We necked.

That's it.

Satisfied?

No, not at all.

It's just a date, okay?

No big deal. Wish I had a better story for you guys, but I don't.

Mr. Edward Stevens, that choir!

Hey, Eddie, my boy, how are you?

Mr. Dick Knight, thanks for coming down. Listen, I was hoping we could sit down

and talk about... We're going outside.

Why? Well...

Fresh air will knock that hangover right out of you. Let's go. I don't have a

hangover, Mr. Knight. Call me Dickie.

Let's go outside.

Whoop, whoop. There she is.

Oh, sweeter than a bucket of carob syrup. We've been through this before.

not buying this car. And I ain't selling it. Can we please talk about Reverend

Carver? Lovely guy.

Big fan.

But you fired him. Well, I had no choice.

Too dull.

He doesn't put enough asses in the pews. Is that really his job? Indeed it is.

No, if we don't have enough members, then we go broke, shut down, and turn

church building into a Denny's.

Mr. Knight, Reverend Carver's led Grace Church over 30 years. It's chilly out

here. Let's talk in the car.

Give the man his job back, okay? He's a good man. He's a great minister. And his

contract says that he has to act in the best interests of the church, and he

ain't doing it. And what would you have him do differently? Have you ever seen

Reverend Porter, the Heavenly Path Cathedral?

No. Oh, the man.

The man knows how to draw a clown.

Every Sunday. He's got them packed in there like Grant took Richmond, my

I don't think you're using that expression properly.

Well, you just go and take a gander and you'll see what old Dickie's talking

about. And now you enjoy that car.

I'm not buying this car. And I ain't selling it. I'm not buying the car.

I ain't selling it!

Welcome, one and all, to the Phil Stubbs Lovatorium.

How are you?

And I'm Phil Stubbs.

Thank you. What we're going to do right now is something called speed dating.

Now, the way it works is every guy in the room is going to get 20 seconds with

every girl in the room. And by the end of the night, if we're lucky, we'll have

made a few love connections.

All right, is everybody ready?

Shirley, start the clock.

Hey, I'm Jerry.

I'm Denise.

I work at the soap factory.

I'm a pastry chef.

Pastry chef?

What's your favorite pastry?

Cannoli.

Is that the tube with the stuff?

Yes.

Those are great.

Time's up. Okay, everybody, let's rotate.

I'm Chuck.

Denise.

I import bauxite.

What's bauxite?

It's a clay -like, non -crystalline mixture of hydrated aluminum oxides that

serves as the chief source of aluminum and is often used in abrasives and

furnace linings.

Oh.

Time's up! I also enjoy cannoli. Whoa, whoa!

Hey, strike one.

You're going to have to disregard that statement, Denise.

Okay, everybody, it's time to make our decisions. Now, who is it going to be?

Her. Her?

Him, I guess.

And that's feed dating. Happy Valentine's Day, you crazy kids. Now go

other silly.

Is that really it?

Sorry, Chuck. Love's a battlefield.

I paid $40 for this lovatorium thing, and you promised me a date for

Day. Well, let's face it, Chuckles. The only dude who can promise you a date is

my man Andre downtown.

Look for the pink Eldorado.

There was only one girl here, and the other guy looked like Lee Majors. I

have a chance.

All right, you want a date for Valentine's Day? I'm going to get you a

Valentine's Day. Follow me.

Where are we going?

To the plastic surgeon. I'm kidding, Chuck.

You're a beautiful man.

Fine.

I was just about to drop by your office.

Oh.

So, um, what you been up to the last couple of days?

Uh, you know, the usual.

Listen, did you get my message?

Uh, yeah.

I'm sorry I've been so swamped here lately.

Hey, is something wrong?

No.

Okay, then. Well, it's been an enchanting little visit.

Goodbye.

Ed. You know what, Bonnie? Call me old -fashioned, but when I sleep with a

woman, I least expect me to conduct a civil conversation afterwards.

How am I not being civil? You're not being anything.

You're standing there looking at me like some guy you vaguely recognize from the

bus stop. Why don't you just relax, okay? We spent one night together.

That's right, one night. And do you see me kneeling before you with an

engagement ring, though? Did I get Bonnie forever tattooed on my arm? No, I

came by to say hi.

Hi.

You're the most bizarre woman I've ever met in my life. One minute you're nice,

and the next, you know, never mind. This is not worth the trouble.

Well, if you're going to behave like that, then I'd have to agree with you.

I'm still not sure I see the point in this, Ed. The point is, Dick Knight's

firing you for losing your congregation to Reverend Porter, I feel.

We owe it to ourselves to see what Reverend Porter's doing.

Yeah, maybe we could come up with some ideas to help you keep your job.

Reverend Porter got ordained through the mail.

Three years ago, he was shilling cubic zirconium on the home shopping channel.

No, I'm sorry, no. Reverend, please.

So this morning, I'm praying to Jesus, right?

And I say, please, Jesus, bring world peace.

And Jesus says, you got it.

So I say, please, Jesus, end hunger on earth. And Jesus says, you got it. So I

say, please, Jesus, could you give me a date with Jennifer Lopez? And Jesus

says, what do I look like, a miracle worker?

All right. Now it's time for our... Celebrity Bible reading. Ladies and

gentlemen, please say hello to Mr.

Jack Nicholson.

Abraham begat Isaac.

Isaac begat Jacob.

And Jacob begat a chicken salad sandwich on white toast. Hold the chicken salad.

Can you do that, lady? How about that, huh?

Is there anybody cooler than Jack? I don't think so.

All right, we have quite a service for you this morning. I've got some Bibles,

some music. So stick around.

You two can stick around. I think I've seen enough.

Well, it's Sunday, and that means it's time for headlines.

Reverend, wait. I'm sorry. If that's what it takes to keep my job, then I

just retire.

Look, don't be discouraged. Your contract only says that you have to work

best interest of the church. You certainly don't have to go to that

what's the point? Well, the point is if you make some effort to attract new

worshipers, I believe it'll really help your case.

Yesterday, I spoke to my congregation for 45 minutes about ethics, how

it is for us humans to decide what's right and what's wrong.

That's the kind of thing I do. Not Jack Nicholson impressions. I'm sorry.

Reverend, please.

I know I don't go to church every Sunday.

Or every other Sunday, for that matter.

All right, all right, let's face it. Once every two months, if I'm lucky.

Reverend, it means a lot to a lot of people to know that Grace Church is here

and when we need it. Grace Church will still be here with or without me.

No, the building will still be here, but it won't be Grace Church.

It even...

Fat in cages.

Let's go.

Right now? Yeah, right now. Come on, let's see what you got.

Any particular reason?

Um, I'm sick of bowling.

Okay, all right.

But I'll have you know, I have three years of Little League experience behind

me.

Play for the Pirates.

Take those answers to Burt Blylevin.

Who? Burt Blylevin.

He... Let's go.

Strike nine.

All right.

Anything traveling that far, I'd have a stewardess on it, don't you think? Your

turn.

Okay, Stephen, watch and learn.

Hey, Carol.

Yeah?

I have something I need to tell you.

I know.

I know I look a little bit like Robocop with the helmet on.

No, I'm serious, actually.

What?

Well, I know that despite our best efforts, this whole Bonnie Haynes

has made things a little weird between us, right?

I just want you to know, whatever it was...

It's over.

Okay.

That's it. I'm done.

Great. So does that mean that you're free for Valentine's Day?

Yeah. Why?

No reason. Molly and I were just going to have ourselves a little pathetic,

dateless loser get -together and thought you might like to join us.

I'm in. Yeah.

Great. Yeah.

I slept with her.

What? I slept with Bonnie Hane.

And you're telling me this because... Because it happened, and I didn't want

to think that... I didn't feel I could tell you.

So I told you.

Well, Hardy, congratulations to the both of you.

Okay, Chuck.

You say you're having trouble interacting with the senoritas.

Shirley, will you please take a seat over there?

And let's take a look at Chuck doing his stuff.

Hi, I'm Chuck.

How are you today? Okay, well, let's stop right there. What was wrong with

Uh, how do I say this?

Everything, Chuck. You've got to loosen up.

You've got to let it go. Please breathe with me.

Better. Okay, now I want to take a look at that walk because I think I saw

something.

Yep. What?

You're a prancer. Pardon?

You prance.

You got a little bounce in your step that says, Hey, look at me.

I'm a cute little bunny.

It's no good.

Watch me.

See the difference?

This is the walk of a man.

A man stalking his prey.

Fun.

When I was a little girl, whenever I did something really bad...

My mother would make me wear what she called the hat of shame.

I wear this for you now.

Is that the same hat?

No, but I've been shopping all afternoon, and I give you my personal

that this is the single ugliest hat in Stuckyville.

I believe that.

Ed, have you ever been so nervous or confused or scared that...

Regardless of what you're feeling on the inside, the only available course of

action is to behave like a total jerk.

It's been known to happen.

If you tell me to get lost, I'll completely understand.

But I would really like to make things up to you.

How? I would like to cook you a Valentine's Day dinner that is so good,

make your head explode.

You can cook?

Hell yeah.

I've been told that I'm an artist in the kitchen.

Uh...

There's one problem. I sort of told some... You know what?

I'll take care of it. It'll be fine.

I'll see you at Valentine's Day.

Thank you, Ed. You're the best.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me. Please begin clapping for Reverend Carver.

Oh.

Hello there.

I just feel the electricity in the air.

Oh, yeah.

Electric.

I thought I'd tell you a joke.

Man loves golf, so he wants to know if there are golf courses in heaven.

So he asked a guy who doesn't know.

No, no, he asked a minister, and he doesn't know. We can set up a place to

packed, packed.

We'll have to double up in the pews if we want.

Don't horse trade a horse trader.

You know what I mean? No horse trading. You horse trading? No, no. God says the

good news is...

There are golf courses in heaven.

The bad news is that there are tee -off times tomorrow.

I mean, the bad news is that you have a tee -off time

for tomorrow.

The man's pathetic.

I can't fire him. Of course I can.

It means the guy is going to die within 24 hours.

Reverend, we made a mistake.

No, it was my own fault. I knew I couldn't do this.

I can't run around telling jokes like David Brenner. It's not who I am.

We should have never told you to try to do this kind of sermon. It doesn't

matter if the other church is shooting off fireworks or bringing out dancing

monkeys or whatever. You should do what you do.

There's a reason you've lasted 30 years in this town.

It used to be that a church was a place to have a conversation, a simple

exchange of ideas between a minister and a congregation. But today...

To hold people's attention?

Oh, you better go on and give them those fireworks or bring out those dancing

kitties. Dancing monkeys.

I said that it doesn't matter.

Well, the point is they think it's time for me to go. You know what? Maybe

they're right.

You know, maybe my congregation wants something that I'm not equipped to give

them. That's just not true.

Well, whether it's true or not, it really doesn't matter now, does it?

They're going to fire me.

They're going to put me on that old train 86.

I don't think they have a right to fire you, though, Reverend. I mean, not for

this. Why not? It's that church, right? I think we should fight them.

Fight them in court.

We can win. I don't know, Ed.

I don't want to overstay my welcome. It's been a good run.

I've always wanted to open up a small grout and tile store. Maybe it's time.

No, it is not time. You have not overstayed your welcome.

Dick Knight is a horse's ass.

I'm sorry about that, I'm sorry about that, but it's true. He is the only one

who wants to see you go.

You have got to fight.

After 31 years, I shouldn't have to fight, Nancy.

What about Leviticus 6 .18?

Blessed is he who strives for what he doth desire, for it is he who doth fight

the Lord's battle that he doth fight us.

All right, Reverend, I don't know any actual pastors from the Bible, but,

Reverend, you can't let Dick Knight do this to you.

She's right.

There are people in this town that need you.

All right.

We'll duff give it a try.

Mr. Knight, what do you think of Reverend Carver?

He's a fine man of deep religious faith, and yet you want to dismiss him.

Why? Look, I'm a bottom line guy.

Heck, I sell cars for a living.

By the way, we have some honeys coming in this week if anyone's interested in a

quick look -see.

Mr. Knight.

I know.

I know.

Look, a minister's got to bring people into the church.

Otherwise, there's nobody to pay the heat bill or repair the organ. No

no church. This is Reverend Carver's employment contract.

Would you read the marked... Passage.

Church disability.

To work in the best interest of Grace Church.

Do you believe Reverend Carver has worked in the best interest of Grace

No, sir, I do not.

Nothing further at this time.

Oh, God.

Mr. Knight.

How do you measure how good someone is at selling cars?

Volume. You move them in and you move them out. It's a simple case of dollars

and cents.

I see. And how would you measure, say, how good someone is at being a minister?

Same way? As a matter of fact, yes.

More people, more money.

Now that sounds like I'm a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I don't want the money

for myself. I want the money for the church.

Because the church is there to help people. The church is there to help

Wait a minute.

Is the church there to make money or is the church there to help people? The

church is there to make money so that they can help people.

The only way for a church to help people is with money?

No, but... Let me ask you a question, Mr. Knight.

Say one church helps a small number of people a whole lot. Another church helps

a large number of people, but just a little bit.

Which church is better? I think you're missing the point. No, sir.

I think you're missing the point. The point here is that Reverend Carver has

spent the last 30 years marrying the people of Stockieville, burying the

of Stockieville, helping the people of Stockieville in ways you cannot even

begin to understand.

Objection. If Mr. Stevens is going to answer his own question, let's just put

mirror on the stand.

Sustained. Did I get through, Mr. Stevens?

Not quite, Your Honor. Mr. Knight, you mentioned the organ repair, heat bill,

soup kitchen. Any of these bills ever not been paid at Grace Church?

Well, no, they've been paid. Thank you.

Mr.

Knight.

Okay, Chuck, it is wheels on the pavement time. You go pick yourself a

All right.

Uh, she looks nice.

Oh, you like?

Yeah, I guess.

You told me to pick somebody. No, no, okay.

Let's review our faces. Shirley, please read off the cards. Ready?

Sure.

Begin. Sexy.

Cool.

Brainiac.

Brilliant. Impish.

Mellow.

Cute.

Super cute.

Swedish.

Remember, elongate.

Elongate the face to be Swedish.

Good.

Very good. Okay, I think we're ready. One last thing.

You need an icebreaker.

Now, I'm giving you my all -time best pickup line.

Are you serious? Hell yes, I'm serious. That line right there will get you more

tail than a thousand pesetas at a Venezuelan whorehouse.

Okay, I'll try it. Good luck.

Thank you, Shirley.

I, uh, I own a speedboat.

What?

Uh... Excuse me.

No, we adjourn for the day. Look, I'd like to... How's it going with Reverend

Carver? You know, I would really hate to see him get fired.

No, yeah, absolutely not. It's going well. Look, I want to talk to you about

something. What's that?

Um, well, I, uh... I'm not quite sure how to say this, but,

um... You're getting some serious hemming and hawing there. No, it's

Look, I can't do the Valentine's Day thing with you and Ma.

Oh, well, that's okay. No problem. I have to work, you know, and, um, you

do work.

Oh, really, it's no big deal.

It's not work.

I don't have to work. It's not work. I mean, I said I had to work, but there's

actually no work involved. No work. I don't have to work. Ed, did we just

languages? Because suddenly I don't understand anything that you're saying.

Bonnie wants to make me Valentine's Day dinner, so I just thought that... What

is wrong with you?

Me? It's nothing.

Why? It's like you have some sick need to fill me in on every detail of your

love life. Bonnie and I were sleeping together. What? That's over. But now she

wants to cook me Valentine's dinner. Ed, Ed, Ed.

I just want to try to get three simple words to penetrate that brain of yours,

which is apparently encased in the world's thickest skull.

I don't care.

Okay?

Okay. Okay, I'm sorry. I just thought that you... And stop telling me that

you're sorry. It's driving me crazy.

Ed, you and I, we're friends. That's it. We are friends. I'm not your

girlfriend. I'm not your wife, so you don't have to lie to me. You don't have

hem and haw.

If you want to spend Valentine's Day, Christmas Day, the 4th of July with

Haynes, that is fine. That is fine with me because... And pay attention this

time, Ed.

I don't care.

All right, I'm sorry.

I love being a lawyer, but I hate doing my paperwork.

There are parts of every job that are a nuisance, and we still have to do them.

But Reverend Carver refuses to do the parts of his job that he doesn't enjoy,

the things it takes to increase his congregation.

My parents were married in Grace Church.

So was I. I wanted to survive long enough for my kids to be married there,

For that to happen, we need a minister who does all the work he promised to do.

Grace Church may not be the biggest church in Stuckeyville, but it is the

oldest. It's been here 147 years.

Believe me, it's not going to any place. In fact, finances are in pretty good

shape. Light bill gets paid, roof gets repaired, but Dick Knight wants

else. Not a wonderful church with a fine, fine minister, but rather the most

popular church in town. Now, is it Reverend Carver's job to be popular or

good?

The things that are best in our society aren't always the most popular. There's

thousands of examples of that.

Reverend Carver has a gift of being able to touch the hearts of his

parishioners.

That's his job, and he's very, very good at it. For all our sakes, I would hope

you would allow him to continue to do so.

Thank you.

You, my friend, have just shed the mortal coil that is Chuck Harris, for

now Cupid.

I don't know about this. Chuck, a woman's heart is coaxed by spontaneity

captured by surprise, for there is no more insidious killer of romance than

ordinary. That's all well and good, but I feel like a jackass.

Let's go. It's showtime. Now, don't forget the new opening line. Let's hear

I'm Cupid. I own a speedboat.

Perfectamente.

I can't do it.

Of course you can.

No, what I mean is, I don't want to do it. What are you doing? Hey, be careful.

Those are rentals.

Yeah, well, I'm going to do this my way.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Can I have your attention, please?

Can I have your attention?

Thank you.

My name is Chuck Harris.

I'm not a rock star.

I don't speak with a fancy French accent, and I don't own a speedboat.

I'm just a nice, simple guy from Stuckyville who imports and distributes

for a living.

What the hell's bauxite?

It's used in abrasives, furnace linings, and spark plugs.

Ah, gotcha.

My point is this.

It's Valentine's Day, and I, Chuck Harris...

don't have a valentine.

So if there's a gal out there who would like to spend some time with a regular

guy like me, a guy who may never be a president or a lion tamer

or a king, then step on up here to this shoe counter.

Step on up here and take a chance that maybe, just maybe, Chuck

Harris is worth a roll of the dice.

Because you know what?

There ain't nothing wrong with Chuck Harris just the way he is.

Nothing at all.

Madam Forewoman.

Has the jury reached a verdict?

We have, Your Honor.

In a matter of Grace Church versus Reverend Thomas Carver, what say you?

We find for the plaintiff Reverend Thomas Carver.

Thank you.

Mr. Knight, this court has found that Reverend Carver has been wrongfully

discharged.

He is to be immediately reinstated in his job.

And may I commend the jury on a wise decision.

Come for a walk with me?

Oh, I've got to be at school in 20 minutes, and I've got a stack of papers

grade. Please.

Okay,

we've got to lay some cards on the table here.

Okay. I'm starting to like this woman, and I realize there's something getting

in the way, and that's you.

I'm feeling guilty about liking someone else. That's not right. It's just, it's

not right.

No, no, it's not right, Ed, and I don't want you to feel guilty. It's just,

um... I... It's complicated.

Let's trust one another here. Get out in the open. We'll deal with it.

All right, look, I know we're not ready for each other. I believe that. I

really... I do.

But... What?

I'm jealous.

I'm jealous.

Well, that's...

No, it's not. It's crazy.

I don't want to go out with you right now.

I just don't want you to go out with anybody else.

So, I'm acting like a big baby.

We're always going to at least be friends, right?

Are you kidding me?

Look, hey, I can do you one better. I say that even if we end up marrying

people, we still get together once a week just to do it.

I mean, what better way to stay close?

You're a very strange man, Ed Stevens.

Strange, but intriguing.

No, actually, I'm just going to go with strange.

I'm really sorry about the way I've been acting the past few days.

I don't know.

That would get up a guy more than me after that.

No.

You're the first guy that I've been with since I got the old heave -ho on my

wedding day.

Yeah. You're the first girl I've been with since getting the old hefo from my

marriage. Really?

Mm -hmm.

What about Carol?

We're just friends.

Ed, being a woman, I have my own fair share of women's intuition, and I

can tell you without a moment's hesitation that you and Carol Vesey are

friends.

Well, I admit it's a bit of a...

A complicated relationship.

Sometimes my past gets in the way of me and you progressing.

But you have to realize that sometimes yours does too.

Yes, I suppose that's true.

How about we try to check all emotional baggage at the door?

Okay.

Last week we were talking about Ralph Waldo Emerson's plea, trust thyself.

heart vibrates to that iron string.

Well, tonight I thought it would be appropriate to talk about a guy who

trusted himself,

St. Valentinus, better known as St.

Valentine.

St. Valentine was a Roman priest in the 3rd century.

At that time, the emperor, Claudius II, didn't want any of his young men to get

married or have children because he thought it would hurt their ability to

become good soldiers.

Well, Saint Valentine defied Claudius II's law and performed secret marriages

young couples in love.

In time, he was caught, jailed, and put to death.

But before he died...

Valentine himself met a woman and fell in love with his jailer's daughter. He

sent her notes, which he signed, From Your Valentine.

The legend which, of course, lives on today.

So why should we listen to Emerson and trust ourselves?

Maybe trusting ourselves is the only way what's meant to be can be.

And when that happens, if you're Saint Valentine,

you end up being the embodiment of romantic love for centuries to come.

And if you're me, you get to spend these many, many

years with all of you, which I believe is what I was

meant to be.

So I thank you all for having me.

And have a happy...

Happy Valentine's Day.