All language subtitles for Craig Ferguson Presents Hobo Fabulous s01e04 Sex Jokes

Previously, on Hobo Fabulous. The
punchline of the joke is, what are you

about? The first time he tried it, he
was sick. The second time, his hat blew

off. Hey ladies, do you like Hooba
Stank? The first time he tried it, he

sick. The second time, his hat blew off.

Hey ladies, do you like Hooba Stank? The
first time he tried it, he was sick.

The second time, his hat blew off.

Sealing and Stank is very different, of
course.

What involves hoisting the mast and
hoping the wind breaks to your

Hoisting the mast and hoping the wind
breaks to your advantage?

I didn't even touch it! I didn't even
touch it!

Bon

appétit

tomorrow morning, everybody.

I did my first stand -up special here,
in this theater.

In this room, though. I didn't have a
big eye, so we did it in this room. It

me, half a dozen people.

Yeah, I didn't fill it, no. But it
looked full from the stage, which was

A wee bit of revolution. It was before I
became an American citizen, I think.

Wow. Yeah.

You used this for proof to get the
citizenship? You'd submit a change?

I did a stand -up special in Boston.

And they're like, okay, okay.

Well, you just have to answer a few
questions.

Do you like gum? Yes. Do you hate Al
-Qaeda? Yes. Okay, congratulations.

an American citizen.

I went to go and work in a factory. It
was all men working in the factory. All

Scottish men.

Men working in a factory. Walking around
making machines. All Scottish men.

Naked from the waist down.

Oh, girls, do you like Hoobastank? All
that stuff.

It's all manly. You know, my boss at the
time, this is true.

My boss at the time was a guy who had
the most Scottish name I have ever heard

of in my life.

His name was, and I'm not kidding,
Willie Macbeth.

Like, I'm Scottish, I think that's a bit
too Scottish.

Willie Macbeth.

Sounds like a Shakespearean porn site.

Willie Macbeth.

There's got to be other ones, hang on.

Peanut Hamlet, obviously.

Romy Ho and Julie Wett.

A Midsummer Night's Cream.

Fuck you.

Two gentlemen of Verona? All right,
that's enough.

Anyway,

I was working in this factory. It was
all men, all the women around. It was

manly men all walking around, making
machines. The women were all off in the

distance. They worked in offices.

They were figures of romance and desire,
but they worked in the offices off in

the distance.

Occasionally, one of the men would wolf
whistle at one of the women.

By the way, I was brought up to believe,
I didn't know that wolf whistling was

objectification and made women
uncomfortable. I was told, I was

elders. You know, if a man wolf whistled
at a woman, it was a compliment to the

woman. I didn't know there was anything
wrong with it. And neither did these

guys, so occasionally they would like,
whoo -hoo, to a woman over there.

Obviously I didn't do it, but they... I
can't fucking whistle, all right?

Just like a wolf can't now when I think
about it.

If a wolf wanted to get a woman's
attention, he'd be like...

But you can't do that to a woman. She
might think you're a ghost.

I feel we're getting off the subject. So
look, the women were all over there and

the men all worked together.

But one of the women I remember, oh, she
was beautiful. She was gorgeous.

The Sophia Loren of Scotland in 1979. A
beautiful woman. Big Margaret her name

was. I don't know if that was her
Christian name. I don't know if she was

christened Big Margaret.

I named this child Big Margaret.

She's just a little baby.

I'm optimistic.

Margaret was beautiful. Big Margaret.
She was gorgeous. She was a big woman. A

lot of presence. A lot of curves.

Sensual woman.

She was like a cross between Dolly
Parton and Shrek.

She was like a beautiful woman.

And she was 1979, so she'd wear a little
nylon jacket, a little tight nylon

jacket, a nylon blouse, a little nylon
skirt, and nylon nylons, and a lot of

petrochemical products in her hair, and
a lot of makeup.

She was a highly flammable individual,
is what I'm saying.

One spark, the whole place would have
gone up. She was beautiful, though. She

used to wear these high -heeled Mary
Jane shoes, and her foot fat used to

through the gap.

Oh, it was dead sexy. It was fucking
awesome.

She used to say, oh, did you see Big
Margaret's foot tits this morning?

She was gorgeous. Now, listen, don't get
me wrong. No one would ever say that in

front of Big Margaret. No one ever made
Margaret uncomfortable.

Everyone was completely, these guys
weren't dicks. They were, you know, they

were respectful. Whenever Margaret was
around, they'd be like, oh, yes,

Margaret, absolutely. We'll get that
done. No problem at all. No one would

say anything like that when she was
there. But the minute she was out of

earshot, the men would always say the
same thing.

Oh, Big Margaret.

They would always say, I'd show her a
good time.

I would show her a good time.

I was 17, I was like, how could you show
her a good time? You don't even know

what her interests are.

So I did not lose my virginity to Big
Margaret.

Fucking thought about it though, often.

Still do from time to time, if I might.

Craig's virginity story is, I think, one
of the funniest stories in the entire

stand -up. It is so genuine and honest
and funny and sad.

So sad.

But that one has made... When he told me
that the first time... I called my

mother to tell her his virginity story,
and she was weeping down the phone with

laughter. It's hysterical.

So it doesn't bother you in any kind of
way?

Oh, gosh, it doesn't bother me at all.
Everybody has their lives that they

Anyway, what happened was, at the end of
the first year of working in the

factory, it was me and three other
apprentices, four young apprentices

in the factory, 17 -year -old boys, and
we made enough money to go on our first

vacation away from our parents together.

And the four kids, we went away to
Scarborough, in the north of England.

Scarborough, it's like a little seaside
town, unspecial, it's just a little

town, and we went there, and we didn't
have much money, so we had to stay in

what's called a boarding house.

If you don't know what a boarding house
is, it's a cross between an Airbnb and a

Dickensian orphanage.

And it was run by this horrible old
woman. Oh, she was a horrible, nasty old

fascist. She was like, ah, she looked
like Mr. Magoo.

And there was four of us, but all we
could afford was one room with two

beds in it. And she was like, four lads.

Four lads in one room with two double
beds.

You're not gay, are you?

I don't want gays in my house. I will
not have gays in my house.

I was looking at her house thinking, you
could use a couple of gays in this

house.

This place is a mess.

She thought one of us might be gay, you
know.

Fuck off.

Alright, you know what? Fine. Yes, I
admit it. Alright?

When I was in my late teens, I
experimented sexually.

They ain't fucking hashtag that, you
fuckers. I don't care. Yeah, of course.

Look, how else are you going to know if
you like something unless you try it?

Am I right? I don't know if I like fish
sticks. Well, pop one in your mouth and

see how it goes.

room and you see another man's penis
coming towards your face and you think

this is not for me then you're probably
not gay i've had this discussion with

gay friends who said well maybe it was
the wrong penis and i'm like no i don't

think they vary enough for that to be a
factor

that's coming towards your face and you
think, now this looks delicious, then

you're probably archaic. Does it really
matter anymore? It's the 21st century.

Lighten the fuck up. There's plenty to
worry about. Not that. Love all the

people, everybody.

Hashtag love all the people.

You can definitely be that.

So anyway, we said, no, no, no, we're
not gay, horrible old lady. And she

four lads, one room, and you're not gay.

He said, no. He said, well, don't be
bringing whores to my house.

Do not bring whores to my house.

At 17, I didn't know what a whore was.

I know now, of course.

As I travel around the US telling jokes
for money.

Oh, you're the greatest audience I've
ever seen. Oh, you're my favorite

audience.

You guys, I don't normally say this, but
you guys are really the best, aren't

you?

Worth the ticket price now, right? Am I
right?

Yeah, I got a little weird there. I
agree. All right. What's it like to hear

your dad talk about sexual stuff?

What does it feel like when any dad
talks about sexual stuff? You're like,

doing that.

so it was 1979 it wasn't just a confused
time for me sexually apparently but it

was also a confused time for youth
culture it was a lot going on punk rock

kind of finished and new wave was kind
of coming in but it was all kind of

up and there was still mods and rockers
and they were kind of going each other a

bit and there was ska people and there
were uh those uh new romantics people

that dressed up as transvestite pirates
for some reason it was all

There was only one nightclub in
Scarborough, so we all went to this one

nightclub, all the different youth
factions.

And I was there one night, and I was out
on the dance floor, and I was dancing

by myself.

And that was all right because of the
Billy Idol song. I was dancing by

Actually, the big song that summer was
the Flock of Seagulls song. You remember

that song?

What was that song?

What was it?

Iran, that's right, Iran.

It was a song about Iran.

They were trying to warn us.

Now, I get it. Iran is very far away.

That made me the stupidest fucking thing
I've ever seen.

All right.

All right. Anyway, I was out on the
dance floor, and I was just dancing by

myself. I was doing that dance that was
becoming popular. You know that dance

that became all the way through the 80s?
It was dancing like that for some

reason. It's a dance like some... It's
weird.

It was hard to dance like that. First
time I tried it I was sick, the second

time my hat blew off.

That was just a little reminder of how
fucking good I am.

And suddenly I was aware there was
someone dancing next to me.

Like a boy George, but a lady. A little
lady boy George. Not a lady boy. A

little lady boy George, but a lady and a
little person.

No, we're not a little person.

Look, an average, slightly smaller than
average woman dancing next to me.

Like dance, she was dressed as Boy
George, but she was Ladyboy, and she was

dancing. I was like, yeah, yeah,
dancing. And she was like, yeah, yeah,

dancing. I was like, yeah, yeah, I'm
dancing.

She was like... And there was chemistry
between us.

And at the end of the song, she said to
me, do you want to go outside for a

smoke?

And I was like, it's 1979, we can smoke
inside. What's your problem?

She said...

Do you want to go outside for a smoke?

You know what I mean?

And I said, yes.

But I did not know what she meant.

So we went outside and she wrote what we
used to call, you kids wouldn't know

about this, but we used to call it a
joint.

Three or four cigarette papers, you put
them together in a little pattern and

then you make a little tube out of
cardboard, it's called a roach, and then

get a real cigarette and you...

Lick the cigarette, you dump the tobacco
from the real cigarette into the joint,

then you sprinkle in hashish.

Hashish. I know you kids haven't got the
legal marijuana now, but to those of us

that have smoked hashish, your marijuana
is decaf.

Oh, this legal marijuana is so strong
these days. Really? Because you're still

fucking talking.

Here's high on hashish.

For four hours.

Anyway, we were smoking. there's Hashish
joint and she said to me she said do

you want to blow back and I said yes I
do but I had no idea what she was

about so what she did is she said bring
your mouth close to my mouth I was like

alright then she inhaled the smoke from
the joint and then my mouth was open and

she blew the smoke from her mouth into
my mouth just like the Dementors in

Potter

the smoke into my mouth and then
suddenly she started making out with me.

there was smoke and tongue. Smoke,
tongue. I'm vegan.

But she was like...

Don't

get me wrong, I've made out with
Scottish girls in alleyways before, but

a very different thing.

You make out with a Scottish girl, you
just touch her coat buttons together and

peck.

like those little birds at your
grandma's house but this girl was

was much more advanced than me sexually
she was very sophisticated and she was

like touching me and everything like I
was produce checking to see if my

avocados were fresh and stuff I think at
one point she actually shook my ass and

listened to it luckily the wind broke to
my advantage

just kind of freaked out. She was, I
wasn't ready. So I said to her, I tried

cover my tracks. So I said, I, uh, I
don't want to do it outside.

And she said, all right, come to my
house tomorrow and we'll do it.

I was like, okay.

So she gave me her address and the
following day I went to her house.

She lived a couple of miles outside of
Scarborough in a little town called

Filey. She lived in a trailer park in a
trailer that she shared with her

parents.

No, it was alright. She told me her
parents were on a business trip that

I don't know what business they were in.
They lived in a fucking trailer in the

north of England.

They were off mole catching or something
that day.

And this is 100 % true. This is what
happened. I took the bus out of the

and I got off the bus stop and she was
waiting for me at the bus stop.

Mary, her name was. Let's start calling
her her name. Her name was Mary. Mary

was waiting at the bus stop. She was
still like little lady boy George.

And her friend Jackie was with her as
well. Jackie was a much...

taller person, and she had that kind of
Rod Stewart haircut.

You know what I'm talking about?

Come on, I've been to Boston before. You
fuckers know what I'm talking about.

So she had that Rod Stewart haircut,
Jackie. She was an interesting looking

woman as well. She had that kind of
mouth that you don't really see anymore.

Even though her mouth was closed, her
teeth were so buck that one or two of

were kind of coming out. You don't
really see that anymore.

I mean, you see it in Britain a little
bit, but you don't see that in America

anymore. Thanks, Obama.

So, and they were waiting for me getting
off.

Well, getting off the bus.

They were waiting for me getting off the
bus and they were standing there

waiting and they were eating a bag of
chips.

Waiting for me. Not American chips, not
like crunchy Dorito chips. They were

like British chips. You know, big fat
diner fries, hand -cut fries covered in

salt and vinegar and then served in a
newspaper.

Well, nowadays it'd be a website, but
you know what I mean?

And they were eating these fries and I
got off and I was like, oh wow, my first

time's going to be a three -way with
fries.

It didn't really play like that. This is
exactly what happened.

I get off the bus and we walk to her mum
and dad's trailer and then Mary said to

Jackie, I'm not kidding, this is what
she said, she said, Jackie, you wait

outside.

I won't be long.

And she gave her the fries and said, I
don't eat all of them fries.

Then we go inside the trailer and she
closed the door and she just took her

clothes off.

I was like, oh my God.

I'd never seen a naked woman before. I
mean, I'd seen photographs of naked

on bits of old newspaper lying around in
the street.

That was porn in Scotland in the 1970s.

It was.

But she just took her clothes off and
she was naked.

And I was like, oh, and she said, take
your clothes off.

And I said, all right, I will.

I took my clothes off and I folded them
the way my mum told me at a sleepover.

Fold your jacket, put your shoes under
the bed and then put your socks inside

the shoes so that you know where they
are when you go to look for them.

She was naked and I was naked.

And I was very happy to be there.

Happy in a way that, to be honest, I
don't really get anymore.

Now don't get me wrong, I can still
raise a smile, but it's more a kind of

sardonic bittersweet sort of thing.

baby I did not think I'd be
impersonating a penis tonight either but

this was when I was 17 and it was like
and she

said oh and she looked at me kind of the
way she'd been looking at the fries and

she laid down in the bed and she said
come on let's do it I said alright so I

leaned over I swear I didn't even touch
her and

She was very nice about it, though. She
said, oh, that were lovely. Thank you.

She's a very nice girl. It wasn't mean
to me at all. Her and Jackie walked me

back to the bus stop.

Actually, we went outside. We put our
clothes on and went back outside. And

fries were still warm.

But they walked me back to the bus stop.

And I was thinking, she's probably going
to want to get married to me now.

And they were kind, and I got on the
bus, and I was driving away, and I kind

felt good about myself, until I looked
out of the back window of the bus, and

those girls were laughing at me.

Like, holding on to each other, weeping
with laughter.

Like, making little penises out of fries
and everything.

They were just falling apart and I felt
embarrassed and ashamed

And then when I get back to the rest of
the guys I said I showed her a good time

Boston is

kind of it.

I think if there's a home city for me in
America. I probably is here I you know

It's a thing made up of Irish and
Italian drunks.

It's just perfect for me.

I feel like I'm kind of home.

I feel like the sound of leaf blowers is
the new soundtrack of America.

Oh, yeah. I think maybe it's because I
lived in Los Angeles for so long, but I

fucking hate leaf blower so much.

You can hear them in the distance.

Yeah, I can all the time. Like, I can
hear them even when they're not there.

There are real leaf blowers right now,
right? You can hear them?

Can you hear them?

If you can, there's some sort of
condition. We used to take these tablets

was a kid. Well,

you know, when I was a teenager.

they were bronchial relief tablets
called dodo tablets in scotland and if

took them you didn't really get high but
you have this noise excuse me and you

have that noise