Original subtitles

My room at the Bell Toro is free while I'm away with Jodie.

Why don't you show one of the waitresses the five -star treatment?

Don't go mad on the room service, Nan.

If you're having a steering competition with them fried eggs, I think you've

won. I just saw one of them blink.

Something not right here.

It's half ten. Why hasn't my mother called?

Yeah, half ten, half time. Blaine, don't land for another half an hour.

Oh, yeah.

You promised you'd use this time to relax and not worry about our Jodie.

You're right, I did.

Sausage, bacon, egg, beans, ash brown, toast. What else did I have yesterday?

Indigestion. You should have had fruit salad like me, son.

You have the fruit salad or the pudding after a full English.

Actually, it's more of a palate cleanser before I go on to muffins and

croissant.

Ed,

did you mind while we're at the table?

I thought getting my cases back this morning were a good thing.

I've quite got your same caftan job, isn't it? Way more comfortable.

Not mushrooms.

I don't want them. They're tinned.

Oh, Eddie, will you sit still? You're putting me off my food.

Sorry, Sharon.

It's netting in these shorts. They keep riding right up my crack.

They're going to end up looking like... Black pudding!

I can't have a full English without black pudding. Back in a sec.

I shouldn't worry, Sharon. I'm sure Loretta's taking good care of our

Of course she is.

Mother's always going to worry, though. I still can't believe she never checked

out of her room at Bell Toro. What's the point of checking out? It's all paid

for. Well, I just mean it's a waste.

Nice hotel room, going begging for night.

Not going begging.

That's better.

Morning. Oh, black pudding.

Nice one.

What's wrong with him?

It's disgusting, Jacqueline. Kenneth blocks the plug hole every day with his

horrible, gloopy, hairy mess.

Then I'm the one who has to fish it out. Well, it is a hair salon.

I suppose it's an occupational hazard.

I don't mean here.

I mean at home. I don't know where it all comes from.

My Donald was as smooth as an eel.

I don't think a hairy body would have suited him. Not with his white hair.

He'd have looked like the abdominal snowman.

Seriously, Jacqueline, I can't believe the mess, the clothes, the food

everywhere. I hate to say it, but Kenneth is a disgusting flatmate.

He's worse than that. He's a big, fat, dirty pig.

Well, well, well.

Or should I say oink, oink, oink?

Kenneth, I... It was only having a little moan, Kenneth. We all do it.

What? You mean you're all moan about me when I'm not here? No.

Definitely not.

I would never call you a big fat dirty pig. Jacqueline, you didn't have to say

it again.

Makes no difference.

Now I finally know what you think of me.

Kenny.

I'm sorry I made it personal.

But basically it's true.

What? This morning I woke up to find a takeaway box of chicken bones, an empty

can of lard going in a half -eaten cheesecake.

A man has got to eat. They're on the corner of the bath.

Well, you know I like a bit of supper when I come in after a nice house. Fair

enough, but why did you eat it in the bath?

Oh, it's everything I like in the bath. Then what was it doing there?

I ate it on the toilet.

Oh, Kenneth.

I blame the pink trombone.

They don't clean the pipes. That lager goes through me like a two -man

bobsleigh. And it doesn't end there.

Towels on the floor, dirty underpants in the hallway, pizza boxes stuffed down

the side of your bed. Our flat is going to get messy over time.

We've been living there 48 hours.

Fine. I've stopped looking for a new flatmate today.

And, of course, you can run back to Daddy.

I don't want to move out. I'm just asking if you... Oh, no.

This big, fat, dirty pig has closed the farmyard door.

I want you out by the end of the week.

Oh, and in the meantime...

I suggest you get a peg for that delicate little nose of yours.

Oh, Kenneth, I... It doesn't mean it.

And I mean it!

I beg your pardon?

It does mean it.

Have a lager, please, Pedro. Look when you've got a second.

Better don't lose your courage before you go back in and give Liam what for.

How long have you been here?

A couple of hours. I wanted to freshen up first.

Hey, come upstairs, I've got something for you. Certainly not, you filthy

Come on, I think we could do with a chat as well.

Oh, here we go.

Kenneth, are you still on the airport runs?

Um, no, I'm fine, thanks. Now, Sam.

What did they say? Oh, nothing.

I had the curry croquettes at the airport. I've had the runs for days. Oh,

charming.

Straight to answer phone again.

South 11, what's your plane at?

Don't worry, Sharon.

If there'd have been a horrific plane crash killing everybody on board, it'd

all over the news, wouldn't it?

What? Well, it would, wouldn't it? Bloody hell, Dad.

Here you are, Mum.

That's not a chase.

What's she texting you for?

No idea.

Landed early. Everything OK.

Don't ring as we are in the studio.

I don't know how you read these magazines.

Role -play blind date with my husband keeps our marriage going. What does that

even mean?

Barbara at work, does it?

She has dates with her husband where they don't know each other.

Aw, I've always thought senile dementia was romantic.

They pretend to not know each other.

You know what I mean?

Did you read that about the accents?

What accents?

Leeds voted friendliest accents in UK.

What a crap. All right.

Equally as fascinating.

Everybody knows the friendliest accent in the world is Sheffield, South

Yorkshire. No, not according to Bedazzle magazine.

It's Leeds. They're trying to say I don't sound as friendly as the bloody

Wessie. What a bullshit.

They can frig off. You're talking absolute bollocks.

I think you sound friendlier than anyone I've ever met.

Oh, thank you, Sharon.

And the two sexiest accents are Australian and Irish.

Never mind who reads it, who writes this rubbish? Oh, yeah, I like both those.

I remember years ago I had a mad crush on Crocodile Dundee.

Dundee? It's a bloody horrible accent.

I couldn't understand a word when I worked up there.

Crocodile Dundee. The bloke who fights alligators with a big knife.

Yeah, Paul Organ.

What, that wrestler with the big yellow tash?

You fancied him.

Big girl's blouse. That's Hulk organ.

No, the Hulk weren't yellow. They were green. Oh, for crying out loud.

Can you hear yourselves?

It's like being in one through over the cuckoo's nest.

And bugger knows what his accent's turned into.

That'll be all them books he keeps reading and hanging round with that

university lot.

Oh, people with an education.

They should be hung, drawn and quartered. I'll drink to that.

The thing is, Troy, I've been meaning to tell you about... Stop!

Before you go any further, I just want to say I know about your secret,

And I think it's absolutely wonderful.

Oh?

Really?

What's this?

For you?

I never imagined you'd be ready to take on a responsibility like this. I think

it's amazing.

I thought that you'd be angry in case it interfered with the work at the salon.

How could I be angry at news like this?

How did it happen? Well, I just got chatting to some bloke at the airport.

Bloke at the airport?

Yeah, I mean, it wasn't planned at all, but as soon as he offered the money, I

thought, well, why not?

Somebody offered you money?

Yeah, I just said it wasn't my idea. I'm literally just doing it for the extra

cash. But, Kenneth, what about the responsibility?

Having a baby is a responsibility.

Oh, yeah.

How's that going?

How's what going?

Your baby.

Oh, I bet you've got one of them nannies, haven't you?

You see, I don't agree.

It'll be wearing your best curtains and singing Doe a Dear before you can say

Captain Von Trapp.

Hang on, let's start again.

I haven't got a baby.

Then why have you been texting about the pitter -patter of tiny feet and new

arrivals? What would I be doing with a baby? What the frig would I be doing

one? I got a text from Liam yesterday. It was obviously meant for Jacqueline.

Asking her if she had any idea what to call your new baby.

Jacqueline and Liam.

One's mad and if he gave the other one a penny for his thought, she'd get

changed. But what about you swinging a baby seat round the salon?

Oh.

Who told you about the baby seat?

Come on.

I know someone's been grattin' on me. It was only a matter of time before I

found out who.

What's this?

It's a live internet streamer, blow and go.

You've had CCTV fitted?

It's a webcam.

It was in the awards, the one Jacqueline brought over.

So this is what it's come to.

That's why you didn't come straight to the salon this morning.

You've been in here spying on us.

Oh, it's like 1994.

You mean 1984?

No, I don't.

1994.

I rented a room in me last year at college and the gay landlord had a spiel

a picture of the Mona Lisa in front of it. I knew the eyes were meant to follow

you around the room, but the heavy breathing gave it away.

It's for security reasons.

Oh, rubbish.

This is obviously a day when I'm meant to find out who my real friends are.

Well, you can shove your salon. You can shove that present. I've got bigger fish

to fry.

Kenneth.

I'm sorry, pal. We're fully booked.

Everywhere is. It's the high season.

Even the Spanish visit Ben at home this week.

Oh, I tell you what, you look dead beat.

Why don't you lot grab a coffee over the road, leave me your number, and I'll do

a ring round for you. Save your legs.

Thanks.

Just for the one night?

Yeah, just one night.

No bother. I'll ring you within the hour.

Leslie, I couldn't help overhearing that.

Do you want me to ring?

Oh, would you mind, pet?

I'm absolutely run off me feet.

Queen's got a medal for you.

She can keep the medal.

I'm strictly cash only.

Oh, man, I am never drinking again.

I'm aching, sweating, my head's banging, and I've got a mouth like the bottom of

a budgie's cage.

You say that, but come seven or eight o 'clock.

Not a chance, no way.

Absolutely dying.

We'll see.

All right, boys.

Did you have fun last night? Yeah, great.

What time did you get in? I left you at three.

Twenty -five to six.

Well, if you fancy another big one tonight, I can sort it for you and all

for. Yeah, man. Absolutely, I know why.

What do you mean, free?

There's a family of six that need two rooms tonight, but the hotel's full.

You've got two rooms worth 79 euros each. That makes 158 euros.

Divided by the three of us, that makes... 52 .6666667 euros.

Excuse me? But you could just call it 52 euros and 60 cents for the sake of

argument. But if you rent out our rooms, where do we sleep?

You don't. You pull an all -nighter. Oh, I couldn't. Not after last night.

Oh, guys, come on. Check -out's at 10am. I'll boot them out then, and you come

home and crash.

I'm basically offering you a free night out in Benidorm. Who could say no...

The city that never sleep.

So, are you in or not?

We're in.

Nice one, boys.

I'll be back later with your cut of the money. Sweet ass.

How did you do that?

The calculation?

I don't know.

It's just maths, isn't it?

You think you are clever, but I have my eyes peeled on you.

I'm sorry.

Did you speak?

You walk around like you are owning the place, but it is you who will be owned.

Oh, really?

You do not frighten me.

No, you don't look frightened. You look terrified.

I know you are up to something, and I will find what this is.

You couldn't find your own ass in the dark with both hands.

You keep my ass out of this.

You carry on mopping up spilt drinks, Matteo, and I'll keep on earning more

money on the side every day than you do in a week.

And you'll never know how.

But I know who could help me find out.

Joyce Temple Cabell.

My mate.

Good afternoon, sir.

How may I be of assistance?

I've left my key in my room.

Name? Loretta Chase.

Obviously, that's not me.

Loretta's my wife's name. I'd get the other key off her, but she's at the

zoo.

The zoo?

Yeah, I didn't go. I don't agree with them, you know, politically.

I had no idea one of the giraffes was running for mayor.

Giraffe, sir.

Very good.

Very good.

Anyway, can I have the key? Certainly, sir. Can you confirm your room number?

Room number?

Yes. Room number. The number of your room.

Oh, hang on. Envelope. That's not for us, is it?

It depends.

Is your name...

Catalina de la Cruz?

No, I told you already, it's Loretta Chase.

And your room number? Oh, that.

Yes, 435.

Here is your new room key.

And a spare key for your wife.

Please inform her the old key cards are now cancelled.

Great. And can I book a bottle of champagne for tonight?

Fence up to the room around eight o 'clock? Shall I charge that to your

sir? Oh, definitely.

Muchas gracias, Loretta. Muchas gracias.

I've landed Nana's room at the Bell Toro. Sky TV, room service, cut the

Hey, Rob, watch this. Joey, watch 27 times 93.

2 ,511.

Mate, who cares what the room looks like if you ain't got a girl to take back

there? Oh, I think an hour at the beach bars will sort that out.

982 divided by 16.

61 .375.

Could be a pleasure to come and watch you fail. Beach bar for an hour, Ty?

93 ,852 multiplied by 246.

Tiger, what are you going on about?

It's Joey.

He's a genius.

23 ,087 ,592.

What?

Look at that.

Mate, the only equation I'm interested in is room 435 times two.

870? God, even I can do that one. No, room 435 times two people, me and

else. Right,

beach bars, yes?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, man.

Hey, son, don't forget this.

Oh, cheers, Grandad. Don't do it, I wouldn't.

Muchas gracias, Loretta.

And then he said something like, it's obviously the day when I find out who my

friends are.

Greg Kenneth and I had words today.

I called him a big fat dirty pig.

Right.

Oh, you mean he took offence at that? Well, wouldn't you?

Well, I would, but I'm not a big fat dirty pig.

I thought being flatmates would bring us closer together. It's just driven us

apart. You and Kenneth are flatmates?

Well, not anymore.

He's advertised my room on Facebook. He's got three replies already.

Oh, lovely.

I think Kenneth thinks you don't trust him.

I don't trust him.

No, I mean he thinks you don't trust him at all.

I don't trust him at all.

Why do you think I put a camera in here? I've no... I've never been bothered

about being on camera.

Donald and I used to keep our webcam open 24 -7.

And what was this text I got that was meant for Jacqueline?

I'm saying nothing.

Is Kenneth still running his minicab service?

I'm not in the habit of recommending unlicensed taxis, but there's a couple

here who are desperate to get to Pollop.

Question too difficult for you?

I thought as much.

Look like you don't have to pay anything.

Oh, dear.

Where have you been?

Why, did you miss me?

Yeah. Had to get me a drink myself.

I went for a walk into Benidorm.

And what have you bought?

Oh, never mind about that.

I bumped into an old flame he owes while I was out.

An old flame?

Here? Yeah.

Australian fella called, erm... Bruce.

I don't know anyone called Bruce. I don't know any Australian.

I think he was wearing a khaki shirt, shorts, a shark -tooth necklace and

carrying a five -foot crocodile.

He wants to have a date with you tonight.

Hey, hey, hey, don't be laughing.

So, are you up for it or not?

What would my husband say?

What he don't know won't hurt him.

Eight o 'clock tonight at the Bell Tower?

I love you, Billy Dawson.

Don't be saying things like that later on. It'll ruin a big night.

Where are you going?

Bit of Dutch courage.

I've got a date tonight.

I don't understand how you're so

brilliant at maths, but, well, not so brilliant at other stuff.

I don't know.

I don't work it out. I just hear the numbers and I see the answer in my head.

Mate, I never thought I would say this, but, well...

You are a genius.

Yeah, it's really come in handy today.

There's nothing more impressive than telling a girl you know your 97 times

table. You leave it with me. This time next year, we'll be millionaires.

How's it going, Robstar?

Terrible. There's nothing like a free room in a five -star hotel to make you

wreak desperation.

I've got another idea.

Why don't the three of us have a slumber party?

Popcorn, movies, maybe a room service pizza.

Because we're not 12 -year -old girls.

We need somewhere to stay anyway.

Tiger and I have rented out our rooms for the night.

Me too.

It's a long story.

Sorry, kid. You'll have to have your pyjama partied another night.

Today is all about the ladies.

Time for shots.

Scrubber. I beg your pardon.

Oh, hello, Eddie.

One down, SCR something, BB something something, scrubber.

Let me look at the clue.

Slow down?

Not many scrubbers said that to me.

Slow down, it's illegible.

Is that a clue?

Yeah. Oh, it's one of them cryptic jobs, isn't it?

It must be.

It's like that three, two, one.

What's got windscreen wipers? Three pedals and a bonnet.

That's right, you've won the dustbin.

I can't be doing with that.

Do you want it?

I get it. I'll have a go later on.

Are you having a nice day?

Well, I am.

But I were hoping for an even better night.

Oh, yeah?

You got something planned?

Well, I've got full use of a five -star room at the Bell Toro this evening.

Oh, I see.

I thought you might be up for it.

Well, it depends what you have in mind.

You know, a bottle of bubbly on the balcony.

Enjoying the panorama.

Bit of Mantovani.

Maybe a few nibbles.

Oh, you mean like a soiree.

If you want to call it that.

Oh, yeah. That sounds lovely.

Is there a dress code?

Shall we say start off fully clothed and see how the evening goes?

Oh, you silly thing.

Room 435. Shall we say 8 o 'clock?

Room 435.

Eight o 'clock. Lovely.

Do you want me to put it in for you, scrubber?

Well, as you say.

Let's see how the evening goes.

Look, look.

She's taking money now.

Well, probably for one of the trips.

The only trip she's doing out of the bank with all the money she's making.

Well, what do you want me to do about it? Come with me to Miss Temple Savage.

And see what?

You've got no evidence, man.

Look, look. She's taking the money. Oh, she's doing it to win your pride.

Look, you've got nothing on her until you find some hard evidence.

Oh, so I just forget about it, huh? For now, yes.

Well, time for lunch.

Go, go away.

Oh, I think maybe you have had enough to eat.

More cushion for the person, Matteo.

Where would somebody want to push you, huh?

Oh, maybe over a cliff.

Don't get yourself worked up, man.

Mattel, shouldn't you be behind the pool bar? Yes, Miss Templestavage.

Everything all right, Leslie?

Jumping, Mrs Templestavage, jumping.

Did you get sorted out?

Yeah, all sorted, thanks.

I'm sorry, Roberto.

If you don't speak English, I'm just not quite clear on how you read my advert

for a flatmate.

Si, flatmate.

No, you don't understand. You see, you replied to me on Facebook. On Facebook.

In English.

Now, did somebody help you with that?

Si, flatmate.

Oh, all right.

But you do have a basic grasp of English.

Si. OK.

Flatmate.

Right. Do you understand what I am saying now?

And if you say C, flatmate, this interview's over.

C.

Flatmate? Oh, for God's sake.

Right. Thank you. I'll be in touch. I'll give you a call.

It's OK.

C, flatmate. It's OK.

C. Oh, give me strength.

Kenneth, we need to talk.

I've just got one last person to see from your flat.

Then I'll be with you.

I'll be back.

I'll look forward to it.

Leslie, what do you want? I'm behind the pool bar.

Miss Templestavage catches me. She'll be having my nuts for garters.

No, I mean nuts.

Yes, I see them.

Yes, they're all wearing the wristbands.

Well, if they're not booked into the hotel, then how are they staying here?

I knew it.

Leslie? Enjoy your night off, because tomorrow she will be gone.

Benidorm is the survival of the fittest, not the fatter.

We're gone.

What are you looking so happy about?

Ah, Miss Temple Savage, I have some news. Some very big news I think you

want to know.

Go on, then.

I'll tell you tonight.

In Neptune's. I just need to check on a few facts first.

And how do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I don't know.

How? I'll tell you tonight in Neptune's.

I'm really sorry.

To be completely honest, I'm not just looking for a flatmate.

I'm looking for someone who I get on with in a sort of social way too.

And I'm just not getting that vibe from you.

Sorry, love.

No luck with your new flat, mate?

No.

But I've got a couple of weeks to find somebody, so there's no rush.

I know about your new minicab business, Kenneth, and I am so disappointed.

How are you disappointed?

I haven't taken you anywhere.

No, I mean the fact that you're doing that when you're supposed to be working

for me. Oh, Troy, it's literally just a couple of hours a day when the salon's

dead anyway. The salon will be dead and buried if you carry on like this. You're

just jealous because I'm showing some initiative.

It's all right for you to be an entrepreneur, but not me.

Oh. Listen to yourself, Kenneth. Thank God you never got that baby. Because you

with a child would be such a success doing it's Matt's own work at gunpoint.

You've got to grow up at some point, Kenneth.

Oh, Troy, I'm grown up already.

I'm just the kind of grown up that you don't like. A free thinking, free spirit

who follows his dreams.

I'm not arguing with you, Kenneth.

Enjoy your dreams.

Give me a shout when you wake up.

Oh, that sounds brilliant.

Oh, you must be shattered.

Yeah, Jodie.

All right, then.

I'll speak to you tomorrow. Do you want to talk to your dad?

All right, then. I'll tell him.

Yeah.

OK. All right. Night, night. Night, night, night.

Charming. She said she'll text you. She's had a long day.

So, any plans for tonight?

Er, no. No. No plans.

How about you?

I thought I'd maybe catch a movie.

In Spanish, on my own.

Yeah.

I think I'll just have a night in watching the telly.

Looking very glam to watch Dad's Army dubbed in Spanish.

Basic instincts on later.

I hope you've got pants on. It's a long walk up to the Del Toro. Will you bugger

off and stop spoiling it?

Sorry.

Right. Well, see you later then.

I mean, won't see you later then.

I mean... Go.

You are coming to the Bell Toro, aren't you? Get out.

Put some knickers on.

Anyway, listen, why don't you both come back to my place?

I've got a room.

Not the Del Toro.

None of this three -star crap.

It's five -star crap. All the way from me.

Either of you fancy a five -star crap? I mean, room.

How you doing, Rob?

I'm not going to lie to you, Joe.

I've done better.

How are you two getting on? We're great.

Tiger just keeps asking girls to think of the hardest math problem they can and

introduces them.

It's not working.

Not so far.

Asking? What, eight millions times 53?

Go on, ask.

What about that slumber party at your new hotel, Rob?

There's no way me and Tiger are going to be able to pull an all -nighter. And

we've got a family of six in our room.

There you go, boys.

My room at the Palana is all yours.

I'm off to the Beltorro for a five -star crap.

Buenas tardes.

Are you looking for someone?

Yeah, but I don't think he's here yet.

Is it possible your friend is carrying a meter and a half long inflatable

crocodile?

Very possible.

The bar on the left.

Buenas tardes, senor.

How can I help you?

I'm bussing for little boy's room.

I'm sorry. I don't think I can help you.

Don't give me all that. I'm staying here.

I just don't think I can make it up to the room in time.

In time for what?

I need to lay a cable, drop the kids off at the pool, release the chocolate

hostage. Come on, man, these cakes are new on.

Do you need the restroom?

Aye, I'll restroom it on this floor if you don't tell me where it is soon.

Around the corner, first on your left. Thank God.

Shit. We're done with it.

Just sit down for two minutes first.

Bruce?

I hardly recognised you. Truth, Sheila, you look a ripper.

Thanks.

It's, er, it's Sharon, actually. Oh, yeah, of course.

Sharon. Can I get you a lager?

No, but I'll have a glass of cava, thanks.

What's a cava?

A sparkling wine, a bit like champagne.

Nah, that's not a cava.

That's a cava!

Do you get it? That's a cava.

Carver, please.

Do you know, Bruce, it's been so long since we last saw each other. I can't

actually remember where we first met.

Oh, we had a date at a zoo. It was absolutely bonza.

Is that right?

Yeah, yeah. Saved you from an escaped croc. An escaped crocodile.

Well, you'd think I'd have remembered that.

Thanks. Yeah, and then you got attacked by a shark.

A what?

A shark.

Oh, a shark.

That's right.

In the zoo? Yeah, but I wrestled the little copper to the floor and I just

punched him up the throat.

Yeah, you've gone a bit cockney now.

Mm -hmm, mm -hmm.

Thou, you married some pretty strong -o then.

Billy. Yeah, that's the fella.

Milly Misava, facing like a bucket of smashed crabs.

Billy. Yeah, that's the one.

A few roos loose in the top paddock, if you ask me.

Hey, mate, any chance of another pint of piss? I'm driving a dingo shitbox here.

Billy! What?

Crying out loud, what are you doing?

I'm in character.

What sort of character?

The most annoying person in the world.

I thought you liked the Australian accent.

I do.

What accent's that meant to be?

Oh.

I've messed it all up, haven't I? Eh?

Oh, I knew I shouldn't have bothered. I'm rubbish at stuff like this.

It's all right. It's just a bit full -on.

No, no, I've ruined it. I knew I would. Shall we just go back to the Solana?

No, we won't. And do you know why?

Why? Because Bruce, the annoying, loud -mouthed Australian, has reminded me of

something. What's that?

How much I love and fancy my husband.

And that I don't need any daft role -playing or silly characters.

Really?

Really.

Now kiss me, you drongo.

Right.

Grab your crocodile. You've pulled.

Oh, my God. I don't believe it.

Rob?

Rob?

Rob?

Giles?

You're in my early modern history class.

Oh, Giles. How you doing, man?

I'm all right, mate.

You look like you're seeing better days.

Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.

Do you need help getting to your room?

Yes, please.

Four, three, five times two.

No, I mean room.

Four, three, five.

Come on.

I'll be out in a minute. I'll see you outside.

I feel terrible as not bringing a bottle of anything.

Hey, if he can afford to stay here, he can afford a few bottles of vino. Are

sure he wasn't just inviting you, Jacqueline? Oh, no, it was definitely a

In fact, they called it a soirée.

Oh, I wish you'd have told me. I'd have worn long.

Then I'd have done something with my hair.

Are you joking?

Dad?

What the hell are you doing here? Me?

What are you doing here?

I got a key from reception so me and Sharon could have a quiet night while

Loretta was away.

Well, that's why mine's not working.

Well, where did you get yours from?

Nick's hit off our Rob dinner. Why did Rob have one?

Loretta left it for him.

I saw him earlier heading out to find the date to bring back here.

And I just thought, well, I'll save him changing sheets.

Just go back to the Salina Double Theatre tomorrow.

Hang on, why should I be the one that misses out? Are you ready?

Is everything all right?

What's she doing here?

Oh, you should have said it was fancy dress.

The joke shop's open until nine.

What are they doing here? They're here for the party.

You're going to have a party and not tell her? It's not a party.

I just invited you. So much for saving the sheets. Oh, do you mind? You said it

was a soiree.

Technically the party.

Excuse me, folks.

Is this room 435?

I'm trying to get this young man into bed.

I knew it!

Check party!

What? It's just a soiree.

No.

Never. Not at the Bell Toro.

Which one of you is Lord of the Chain?

I knew it!

Out! Everyone out before I call the police!

Buenas noches. Buenas noches.

Get out.

You can

tell me anything you know, love.

I don't mind if you're gay, straight, or that middle one where you like a bit of

both. What's it called?

Bisexual. Are you? No.

Straight. Not that it matters anyway.

That's what I'm saying, love. It doesn't matter.

Fine. But I like girls, Mum, OK?

Women, ladies, senoritas.

You think the lady does protest too much? Shut up, grandad. You're the one

organised an orgy.

Don't talk rubbish.

She got wrong -ended stick.

God knows whose stick you'd have got all of tonight if we hadn't turned up.

What about you dressing up as a Boy Scout with an inflatable crocodile?

If that's not kinky, I don't know what is.

I was an Australian.

Not that you could tell by the accent. Hey, don't you ever go at me as well.

Are you supping that ale or what?

I can't even look at it. Your building friend with Big Tash bought you too many

pina coladas, did he?

Here's a friend from uni.

Oh, say no more.

He seemed really nice.

Oh, for God's sake.

Just so you know, check out 10 o 'clock sharp tomorrow.

Enjoy your evening.

I know who you are getting up to.

What's that got to do with anything?

I mean about selling rooms we do not have.

Keep your voice down, you idiot.

I do not know how you're making rooms out of thick air, but as long as you're

paying me half of your kick -scan money, I will not be telling Miss Temple

Savage. I can't give you half of the money from all of my little scams.

Then I'll go to Temple Savage. I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Give me one reason why I know.

Because half of the money for my scams I can't give to you is already going to

Joyce. You see?

I knew there was something you're not telling me.

Okay, so what's going on? Excuse me, Miss Temple Savage?

Earlier today you said you had some big news to tell me.

Well, come on, get on with it. You'd better be good. I've got far better

to do with my evening than listen to mindless tittle -tattle.

I think you are right.

It is just mindless tattle -tickle, Miss Temple Savage.

Speaking more than one language is an asset, Mateo. But keeping your mouth

in any language...

Priceless. Do you understand what I'm saying?

I think I do understand, Miss Templestowe.

Very good.

As you are.

Madre mia.

Leslie's not going to believe this one.

I must say, I've been to better parties.

It was a swirly.

Oh, yeah.

I'll remember to avoid them in future.

Now, what is going on with you and Captain Bird, by the way? Captain who?

Eddie.

Oh, him?

Nothing. And nothing happened between you and him when you both stayed on last

year? He kept his hands to himself.

He was the perfect gentleman.

Didn't sound like a perfect gentleman to me.

Oh, talking a perfect gentleman.

I came here earlier, but you weren't here.

I assumed you'd all gone out without me. It was you who disappeared in a huff.

Can I sit down?

Of course you can.

We did go out. We went to an orgy. What, all of you?

Yeah.

Wasn't great, was it? It was rubbish.

I've been to better.

A lot better.

I'm sorry, guys. I'm not doing it back.

All right.

Hey, big glass of water before you go to bed. And remember, darling, we'll

always love you no matter what.

Good night.

You want to watch that one?

I think we've established it was a friend from school.

I dress like one at Village People.

Eddie, for goodness sake, we're in Benidorm, the fancy dress capital of

You should know.

We spent the last three days dressed as a child's duvet in The Grim Reaper.

Yeah, but I didn't have Freddie Mercury carrying me to bed in denim shorts and

an hard hat. He's probably upstairs now having a shake and bite at Cherry.

I think I'll have another night.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, am I supposed to sit here chomping on my own? Well, your friends are still

over there.

Good luck with your second bite of the cherry.

Ah,

whatever.

So... First of all, I want to say sorry for kicking off.

Is that directed to...? Well, you to begin with.

I was angry about the things you'd said to me.

About me.

And then I thought, well, how angry can you be if it's all true?

I was frustrated, Kenneth.

I'm sorry I called you horrible names.

Did you find a new flatmate?

I did find a new flatmate.

One for you.

For me?

Yeah.

One who's not perfect.

But one who wants to try harder to be a better flatmate and a better friend.

It's you, isn't it?

You're talking about yourself.

Yeah. Oh, and I thought I wasn't good at cryptic clues.

Just show she doesn't say.

And I only had to go at you because I'm worried about you.

Liam said that car you're driving's a death trap.

Oh, it is.

I thought about that just now when I got stopped by the police.

What? No.

What happened?

Well, when you lot weren't here, I took a fare up to the old town. I was sitting

in traffic with an illegal passenger in the back of a car with seatbelts that

don't work and a dodgy indicator and no MOT and three bolted tyres.

Then a copper on his feet waved at me to pull over.

Oh, Kenneth, what happened?

Well, he came over to the window, which doesn't wind down properly, so I had to

open the car door to speak to him.

He said, I'm arresting you for wearing blonde highlights and guyliner in a

-up area.

You are?

And then his mates who were all stood behind him, also wearing fancy dress,

burst out laughing.

Bloody hell. Well, that was a lucky escape.

It was, I know.

So, I've dumped the car, and I've come back here for a new start.

And you start with all of you, if that's all right.

Sounds good to me. Cheers.

Cheers. Cheers.

So, did that place not let you off with a caution, then?

Let's just go to bed.

No, I want to have a quick listen at your door.

What, to make sure Bob the Builder's not in there with him?

Don't be stupid.

It's just that he's had a lot of trouble.

I'm sorry tonight didn't exactly go to plan.

It's all right, I had fun.

Don't think we'll be hearing from Bruce again any time soon.

Good. Bruce is an absolute pillock.

His little khaki shorts, on the other hand.

Oh! Oh, you liked them, did you? They were all right.

I hope you saved the inflatable crocodile as well. Oh, you kinky bug.

Thank you.

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