Original subtitles

to the season finale of The Jeselnik Offensive.

I'm your host, Anthony Jeselnik. We've got an amazing show for you tonight.

SNL, we've got John Mulaney.

And from The Kroll Show, we've got Nick Kroll.

But first, it's been a killer week.

Louis Gerstner III, the son of a former IBM CEO, died last week when he choked

while eating a steak dinner in a restaurant.

Gerstner leaves behind a wife, two children, and most of his garlic mashed

potatoes.

Now, everyone's talking about this. Dr.

Phil caused controversy last week when he tweeted, if a girl is drunk, is it

okay to have sex with her?

Even worse, later he tweeted, it wasn't okay.

Now this is scary.

Robbers in Nevada posed as Mormon missionaries to get into a man's house,

about religion for five minutes, then beat him up. The victim is okay, but

that next time, he'd prefer they skip straight to the beating.

Now this is interesting.

New research reveals that one in ten car accidents is caused by drivers whose

flip -flops get caught underneath the brake pedal.

This, according to the Center for the Study of Matthew McConaughey.

Now, I don't know what to think about this one. A self -proclaimed ghostbuster

was arrested in China after he charged a woman $3 ,000 to remove a ghost from

her vagina using his penis.

After detectives unraveled the scheme, it turns out the ghost was the old

caretaker's penis the whole time.

Jinkies.

And finally, former New England patriot Aaron Hernandez was formally indicted

for murder last week. Hernandez appeared in court wearing an orange prison

jumpsuit, or as he calls it, his away uniform.

And that was a great monologue. Let's see what God thinks about it.

Anthony, that was a great monologue.

Now, by round of applause, who here is good at math?

Exactly. But you're not dumb.

Counting is hard.

So tonight, I'm here to give you the basics in a new game we call How Many

Things, where we find out how many things there are.

Tonight's thing, rape.

Because fictional rape often goes unreported.

So tonight, we're blowing the whistle on some of your favorite books, movies,

and TV shows.

Let's see what our contestants will be playing for tonight.

All right, let's have our first contestant come on up here.

How are you doing?

Now, what is your name? Hunter.

Hunter. What do you do, Hunter? I'm a film student, and I make burritos.

You're a film student, and you make burritos? Yeah.

Always nice to meet a pothead.

Okay, Hunter.

Everybody loves Harry Potter, right? Yeah. Seven books, eight movies. We all

know that.

But how many rape?

I'm going to go two rapes. Two rapes?

Oh, no means no.

The answer, Hunter, is one. In Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, the

character Dolores Umbridge is dragged into the woods and punished by a gang of

centaurs. Rough stuff, but what are you going to do?

Kids love magic.

Thanks for playing and holding pop culture accountable.

Let's welcome our next contestant on up here.

How you doing, man? How you doing? Good, man. Good. Thanks for playing.

Now, what's your name? Tom.

Tom. And what do you do, Tom? I'm a dog trainer.

A dog trainer?

Yep. What are you training to do? Brush your hair at night?

I do. I mean, I got a lot of it. You know, you got to do that. Yeah.

Now, we've all seen the classic comedy Revenge of the Nerds. I'm sure you've

seen it more than once.

A refreshing take on the timeless battle, snobs versus slobs. Which brings

my question, how many raped?

Three and a half. Three and a half?

Sorry, the correct answer is one. The hero of Revenge of the Nerds only rapes

one woman.

But still... What the... Where are... I thought I lost that.

Oh, man.

You're like, only one rape, I'm out of here. I wanted three and a half, man.

ginger needs three and a half rapes. Sorry.

Don't ever refer to yourself as a ginger.

But thanks for playing and helping us highlight irresponsible pop culture.

Let's bring up our next contestant.

Thanks for playing.

Now, what is your name?

Stan. Stan. And what do you do, Stan? I'm a legal assistant.

You're a legal assistant?

Really? Because you look like a stunt double for the Big Bang Theory.

Now, Stan, tell me.

Now, tell me, Stan, have you ever read the Bible?

Well, who the hell has it?

But it's got important information in it, like whether or not it's okay to be

gay, and the unbelievable value of 30 pieces of filth.

But the question remains, Dan, how many rapes? How many rapes in the Bible?

46? 46?

Sorry, I was looking for 409.

409. rapes in the Bible, which is why old ladies love that damn book. It's

steamy. It's steamy. Thank you for playing, Stan.

Thanks to everyone for playing. And remember, rape is always bad, no matter

many. We'll be right back with John Mulaney and Nick Kroll.

Welcome back.

Ask not what your panel can do for panel. Ask what you can panel for your

It's time for panel.

Please welcome from the specials on Comedy Central and SNL, it's John

And from Kroll Show on Comedy Central and The League on FX, it's Nick Kroll.

Thank you. Great to see you guys.

Great to have you guys on my show again.

Great to be here, Tony.

So excited, Tony. So excited, Anthony. So proud of how far you've come, Tony.

So proud of you, Anthony.

Everyone back in Pittsburgh is so proud of you, Anthony.

Jesus Christ, we're so proud of you.

When are you coming home? When are you going to come back? When are you coming

back? When are you coming back and visit?

You too good for Pittsburgh? When are you coming back to St.

Dominic's? Talk to the kids about how you made good.

Great impression of the worst.

Now, John, last time you were here, you were shooting a pilot for NBC.

Whatever happened with that? Fuck you.

Say it again, because they didn't hear it on the left.

Are you directing the show?

Yeah, camera two, camera two.

Now, Nick, you've got a pilot for NBC.

Yeah. What's that about?

It's about me sort of trying to figure out how to be a good person while

quitting drinking.

What's it called? It's called Mulaney.

Zing, bro.

Yeah, it's gonna be good.

Let's get right into it with the best worst thing of the week.

Let's troll. A Muslim group is causing controversy after choosing September

as the date for its Million Muslim March, in which Muslims will gather in

Washington to protest against religious profiling.

For a preview of the Million Muslim March, check out CNN to see what's going

in Egypt right now.

Someone should explain to them that September 11th was the same day as the

attacks in 2001, so it's kind of a sensitive date for us. I think you're

to do that.

They'll be really embarrassed. They'll be like, oh, we had no idea. We just

asked for the first available Monday, and this is what happened.

Dude, we are so sorry.

Imagine a million Muslims saying that at once. Dude, we are so sorry.

I don't think that's in their vocabulary.

Yeah.

They don't say dude.

They don't say dude.

I think the lesson learned from 9 -11, regardless of the march or anything, is

show up late to work.

Do you guys think this will be safe?

I think it's going to be safe, but this is my impression of the Lincoln

Memorial. when it's happening, okay?

You want to see my impression of the Washington Monument?

Look at my dick!

That was more my impression of Aziz, I'm sorry.

I'm catering that march. Did you know that? I did not know. I'm catering it. I

think it's because they hired me because of the name of my catering company.

What is it? Million Muslim Catering.

That's a smart name.

It turned out to be.

For years, it was a real, it really hurt sales.

Moving on.

Now it's time for Damn Nature. You scary.

Meet bears in your area. Bear attack. are on the rise with seven people

in four days across the country.

As a result, hikers are being asked to travel in groups of three, or as bears

call it, buffet style.

I want to start a business called Bad News Bears.

And the basic idea is that, like, hulking gay men come and deliver bad

news to you.

So guys come in and be like...

Your son has cancer.

You're like, oh, that's terrible news, but you're wearing jean shorts, so that

makes it a little easier.

The problem is, I think, you know, you hear that you're supposed to play dead

when you see a bear, but you can't just lay on the ground. You have to be really

convincing about it. Like, when I'm in the woods and I see a bear, I really get

into the whole death thing. Like, I shave my head, and then I pull the

up, and I hold hands.

I hold hands with a Jamaican nurse and a rabbi, and it was just like, there's

just a lot of love in the room. And the bear, he just starts, like, watching,

because he's kind of in awe of the whole scene.

And then someone turns on a boombox, and we hear a boy cementing, it's so hard

to say goodbye to yesterday.

And people get up and speak, and they're like, when I think of John, I think of

a leader.

And then the bear, by that point, is caught up in the funeral, and people are

like, did you know him? And he's like, I didn't, but I have a great respect for

him. And just when the bear is signing that book they have at wakes, where

you're right, I was here at the wake, you know, then I sneak out.

And I go, sayonara, bear.

You know what's going to be amazing?

Is when one day you were killed by a bear.

And they showed it.

Now, the problem here is that none of us are bear experts, right? Are you a bear

expert, John?

No.

You just dabble?

Yeah, just dabble. Nick, bear expert, yes or no? More of a hobby.

Yeah.

So let's have bear expert and star of Yogi Bear 3D, TJ Miller, come on here

tell us what's what.

like genuine applause.

You know, Anthony, I worked with real bears.

And I'll tell you, bears will recycle their urination during

hibernation.

The Latin word for bear is ursa, which means bear.

Over 100 bears are killed on Florida roadways each year.

Is it the fault of the drunk drivers in Florida?

Or that most people in Florida look like bears?

Uh -oh. What was that, T .J.? Oh, my God. Wolverine claws? No, T .J. Oh, wow.

This is how I protect myself from bears!

A bear's chasing you. Run downhill.

I say run uphill and fuck.

It's more panel.

Welcome back.

Faster than a paneling panel.

More panel than a loco panel.

Able to panel tall panels in a single panel. It's more panel.

Let's move on to not buying it. When couches are outlawed, Only outlaws will

have couches. A company called Couch Bunker is selling a $7 ,000 bulletproof

couch that can secretly store up to 40 rifles under its cushions.

It's such a dumb idea. 40 guns?

Where am I going to keep my other gun?

Bulletproof doesn't mean that it's filled with guns.

But you know what does mean it's filled with guns? What? The picture.

What does it matter if the couch is bulletproof? Like, if you're sitting on

couch, look, it makes no sense.

You're like, I have 40 guns. That's great. Okay. Now I'm sitting on the

Now you come in. You have one gun, maybe two bullets. I'm facing you. You shoot

me. The bullet goes through my very non -bulletproof skin.

And then, like, fine, maybe the couch behind me is okay.

I just think it's a silly product.

I'm just waiting for them to come out with a slingshot love scene.

Well, I think this is a great idea if you think that not enough kids die while

looking for change in the sofa.

I honestly don't think enough do.

No. We're all on the same page here.

Occasionally an allergic one will find a peanut, but you can't ask. You can't

count on that.

It's not even a good -looking couch.

I'll tell you what's dangerous, that electric blue.

Now, do you guys own guns? If so, why? And if not, why are you such pussies?

I own a number of guns.

Yeah? Name one of them. What kind of guns do you own? I got Tim Gunn.

You got Tim Gunn.

In your cell phone. Yeah, yeah.

Tim Gunn slept over on the sofa bed.

Nick calls me. He goes, get over here quick. We fold him up, stuff him into

sofa. But now you can hear him muffled through the cushion.

Yeah. Very good work.

Now. Do you have a gun?

No, I do not. People probably try to kill you, right, because of your joke?

Constantly. Constantly.

So, yeah, you should carry a piece.

I don't. I got one move.

What's that? I call it the Patrick Swayze Roadhouse.

Rip their throat clean out.

And I do Tai Chi.

You know what would help with that? What's that?

Them Wolverine things.

Wolverine clothes.

I don't do props, bro.

What about that t -shirt and blazer combo?

What are you talking about?

I'm sitting here next to Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel -Air.

And Professor Plum.

And now, draw your baby, then quarter it. Keep defending your tweet.

You tweet it, now I'm going to read it and make you defend it in front of all

these people.

John. Yes.

On February 5th, you tweeted, you can substitute Madea for media in most gun

control articles, and they still make a good deal of sense.

John, defend your tweet.

This tweet is great because it is topical, it is political, it is edgy, it

current, it is light, and it taps into the Madea, a .k .a. urban market.

Great defense.

Nick, on March 30th, you tweeted, hashtag, my reply to I love you, new

who did?

You know, I think it's a real funny joke.

I think, you know, I'm participating in the hashtag trending thing, which is

something I don't tend to do. And I feel like I dipped my toe into that pool and

the water was nice.

Great defenses, both of you.

Thank you,

Anthony. May we say the defense rests?

You may not, but thank you both for being here. It was a real pleasure.

you.

and season two of Crow Show returns to Comedy Central early next year. We'll be

right back with more show.

Thanks again to John Mulaney and Nick Kroll, and a special thank you to T .J.

Miller and Steve Agee. Also, check out anthonyjesselnick .com to get tickets to

my new fall tour. We'll see you next year.

Before I go, let's take a look back at the best moments from tonight's show.

Jenna, would you make me the happiest man in the world?

Oh, Anthony, yes.

Great.

Swallow these condoms full of heroin.

Meet me at this address in Houston.

And don't take a dump until I see you again.

And now it's time to play Let's Diss Scientology.

Nick, you're first.

Man, what a bunch of evil space weirdo lunatics who try to control everything

Hollywood.

I don't know. I found that the church does quite a bit of good.

Yeah, I actually know some really cool Scientologists.

Goodnight, kids.

Go read a book.

There have been three seasons of Game of Thrones so far. But how many rapes?

Like a million?

Like a million.

Sorry, I was looking for six.

Six. When winter's coming, just lie back and try to enjoy it.