Original subtitles

Thank you and welcome to the Jesselnik Offensive. I'm your host, Anthony

Jesselnik. We've got an incredible show for you tonight. From IFC's Marin, we've

got Mark Marin.

And from the classic Reno 911, we've got Thomas Lennon here tonight.

But first, it's been a thick week.

Former Bachelor contestant Gia Allemand died last week after she committed

suicide by hanging.

Yeah. I'm shocked.

Finally, one of those dumb bitches learned how to tie the knot.

Breaking news. Former CNN anchor Soledad O 'Brien is moving to the Al

Jazeera America Network.

Yeah. It won't be that big a transition, though.

All she has to do differently is remember to smile every time she says 9

Now this is great. A new iPhone app tells you if you're good in bed by

thrust, duration, and noise levels.

And there's another app that tells you if you're bad in bed by checking to see

if you downloaded the first app.

I can't believe this. Last week in Detroit, a cop who was ordering

vests accidentally emailed the female officer's bra sizes to everyone in the

department. A spokesman is calling it a big mistake, or in the case of Staff

Sergeant Sheila Washington, a huge mistake.

It's a smart joke.

Pop culture in the house. Jennifer Aniston reportedly changed her flight to

London to avoid flying on the same plane as Angelina Jolie.

That and a bunch of kids screaming in 19 different languages.

Basketball news.

Rumors are surfacing that Lamar Odom may have cheated on his wife, Khloe

Kardashian, by having an affair with two women.

But Odom just laughed it off.

saying the reports are false and that his wife commonly gets mistaken for two

women.

And finally, in India, a three -month -old baby has burst into flames four

as a result of spontaneous combustion.

The baby's Hindu doctors now believe that in a previous life, he may have

trick birthday kid.

You know what, guys? That wasn't a very good monologue.

That was a great monologue.

In the past year, more and more women have been

dying after receiving black market butt injections of silicone found at hardware

stores. Apparently, women will do anything to get a bigger, fuller

This, according to an anaconda that don't want none unless you've got buns.

Now, clearly, plastic surgery addiction is a very sensitive topic.

And whenever a topic is too sensitive to make a joke about, we make a bunch of

jokes about it in a segment we call Sacred Tax.

This week, we chose body dysmorphia.

Now, can you discuss plastic surgery addiction without sounding patronizing

cruel? Who cares?

Look at me.

Watch this.

Hi, doctor. Thank you for meeting with me. Thank you.

What is body dysmorphia disorder?

Dysmorphia is a mental disorder that somebody absolutely can't stand about

own body. And what does body dysmorphia disorder mean to you?

$20, $30 million a year?

I think it means, you know, seek a psychiatrist, basically.

At this point, you're so good at your job, when a patient walks in to see you,

are you ever tempted to just go, nose job, right before they say a word? No.

I listen a lot.

Name a celebrity who's had plastic surgery that we might not know about.

Tony Danza. I don't... Tony Danza.

You're going to get me in trouble now.

Have you ever decided to add a third breast just as a goof or because you

legitimately drunk?

No. When is it time to put the paintbrush down and say my masterpiece

finished? Is it when they start to look Asian?

All right, Doctor, what could you do for me?

I would not offer you any surgery other than Botox. Other than Botox? Botox.

Where would you... Take a... Make a few marks. Where would I need Botox? Well...

Bring your brow up.

Right there. But I use these to show that I'm better than you. Like, say

something to me.

Just make a statement to me.

What kind of a statement?

What kind of a statement?

See? See? See how that works?

Doctor, what does a plastic surgery addict look like? I mean, could I be one

not even know it?

There's only one way to find out.

Hey, Steve. How you doing? Good.

How are you? Good, thank you.

Would you say that you have body dysmorphia disorder, or are you just

nuts?

Regular nuts. Regular nuts. That's good. How much money have you spent on

plastic surgery in your life?

$350 ,000.

So if someone told you you looked like a million bucks, they would be way off.

Steve, how many plastic surgeries have you had?

56 to date.

Could you list them all? I had a rhinoplasty, chin implant, cleft.

I have bicep implants.

My nostrils narrowed. For aesthetic purposes or just so you'd stop doing

cocaine? I don't do drugs.

And you've got pectoral implants, correct? I do.

So you're a boob guy.

Yeah. That's probably the least weird thing about you.

What haven't you had done?

I haven't had any private parts done.

We've thought about it. Oh, yeah.

Just go bigger?

Not necessarily big, but... Two of them?

If you were me, what would you have done?

Just get a tan.

Just a tan?

Yes.

We'll be right back with Mark Maron and Tom Lennon.

the yellow panel, and I took the panel less paneled panel.

It's time for panel.

Please welcome from Reno 911 and Sean Saves the World coming this fall to NBC,

it's Tom Lennon.

And from the WTF podcast in Marin on IFC, it's Mark Marin.

Mark, good to see you again, man. Congrats on your recent engagement.

Would you say the third time is the charm?

Yeah, that's one cute saying. There's also three times and you're out.

It's possible.

Are you marrying that beautiful child, Bob? Why don't you leave me alone, Tom?

I'm just saying.

I've been out to your Waco -like compound. Yes.

I wouldn't say she's a child. There's no law against dating someone emotionally

15.

That's true. So she's cool with dating you? Yeah, she's living with me. Yeah,

everything's going to be all right, I think.

She can leave anytime she wants.

Her family can contact her. Stop talking about it. Stop talking about it. She

has no family, Tom.

Get a signal if you need to get out of the... Stop talking about it.

Now, Tom, are you aware that there's a guy on Hollywood Boulevard who dresses

like your character from Reno 911, Lieutenant Dangle, and charged with

money to take pictures with him?

People have sent me some pictures of this gentleman. He's a big, thick dude

a big round behind.

And he looks really good. He's a lot bigger than me. What I will say is the

thought that went through my head is when somebody gives him $2 to take a

picture, isn't one of those dollars mine?

Now let's get right into it with the worst best thing of the week.

Hunger Games Camp, where a kid can kill a kid.

A summer camp with a Hunger Games theme in Florida is causing controversy

because it included a tournament where kids quote -unquote killed each other.

But don't worry, the kids at this camp don't actually die.

That's more a summer football camp thing.

Yeah, it sounds like a good way to send a fat kid to fat camp without him

knowing really that he's going to fat camp.

You like Hunger Games? Enjoy.

It could be worse. At least it's not Silver Linings Playbook Camp.

That would be...

That would be awful. Where you just dance with guys from mental

I think the interesting thing about this camp is that every night they tell

ghost stories about the kids who died the day before.

It's rare that you can go to a camp where your first sexual encounter can be

your last sexual encounter.

Actually, there's a couple camps I can think of.

The one I went to?

No.

I was making a joke about the Holocaust.

What is that? Your Anne Frank impression?

I was ducking out for the dark stuff because I got a movie career.

Oh, yeah.

No, I think that Hunger Games is pretty lame. Yeah. I mean, I didn't really

care. If I was going to start a camp, I would start a Game of Thrones camp.

You know, where kids can sword fight.

They can joust. They can make out with their sisters.

Make out?

Have sex with their sisters? Yes.

Am I too?

Yes. Get the second base with their sisters? I thought this was a show where

say stuff that's inappropriate.

sister there you go man if you're gonna make a camp based on a movie yeah what

movie how about the human centipede camp yes tell me more i think i think it's

uh you know it's all about teamwork oh that is

like a camp based on backdoor

sluts 12.

Is that good enough for you, Tom?

All camps are kind of like that.

True. I mean, if there's good marijuana nearby.

True. Nothing gets a girl into anal like marijuana.

It's a fact.

Actually, you know, it's Jägermeister. I know that for a fact. Jäger is anal?

Jäger is anal. I've got a real laugh from you.

That was a knowing laugh.

Now it's time for not buying it.

This is your captain heckling. A UK airline will feature stand -up comedy

live music performances whether passengers like it or not.

Now, if you do wind up on one of these comedy flights, it's important to kill

yourself before you kill the child next to you.

It's going to be as f***ed up as everything else on the airlines, which

totally unfair. Like, first class will get Louis C .K. for free.

And coach, you pay five bucks and you get Todd Berry.

Why Todd?

Because I love him.

Because I love him.

Now, Mark, would it be appealing to you, Mark, to have a crowd that couldn't

walk out on you?

Did you hear the question?

Yeah, but I thought you were talking to yourself.

Oh, my God, the sexual tension between the two of you. It's been palpable all

night long. Just kiss.

Look, if I want to get on a plane where I can hear ass -pilling jokes, I'll just

fly southwest.

And if you've looked at all the Virgin Atlantic ads, they are trying to

you that their hot stewardesses are going to give you jobs.

Yeah.

Don't you get that feeling when you see this? Like, we're naughty.

Yeah. When you go into the bathroom, it's like club music.

Yeah. Yeah, there's dance music. But no one's giving me a job.

Yeah. Plus, they treat you like a jerk if you request a job. Yeah.

It's like, come on. I know you got blankets and jobs back there. Give me

them.

Would you guys ever do this? Let's say I paid you a million dollars. Would you

ever do this? A million dollars.

I forgot what you asked me.

But you said there was a million dollars involved, and I said yes.

Was it blow you in an airplane bathroom?

Yes. A thousand times, Anthony. Yes.

Let's say I made you guys do this. Yeah. I paid you a million dollars. You're a

comedy duo.

On an airplane that's about to crash. So there's problems.

There's problems on the airplane.

Entertain the passengers.

Go. Okay. Hey, folks, don't panic.

I know there's a little turbulence, but Tom is going to show you the proper

behavior to act when something like this is happening. Tom.

Help me.

Help me. Now, please remember.

remember that, you know, you always put the oxygen mask on yourself first and

then the child next to you next. Right, Tom?

How about that food on trains?

Great job, guys.

Lock your panel and hide your panels. We'll be back with more panels.

Welcome back.

What do you get when you cross a panel with a panel? You're about to find out.

It's more panel.

Let's move on to dating bloopers. A million dollars isn't cool. You know

cool? Murdering your wife.

Last week in Miami, a self -help author slash actor confessed to murdering his

wife on Facebook and even posted a photo of her bloody body.

Now he's getting some really weird targeted banner ads.

Well, I thought it was interesting that he immediately changed his status. It's

no longer complicated.

I was legitimately shocked that he took a picture of a murder he had committed,

because I usually just post pictures of murders I happen to walk by.

But never the ones that I do.

I thought it was a little weird that he tagged his wife in the photo.

You know, he wanted to kill his wife using Vine. Yeah.

But he couldn't do it in six seconds.

I just wonder if he actually made the statement in a status update and

said, picture it didn't happen.

Yeah.

Well, the great, my favorite thing about this is it took people four hours to

comment on the photo. And the first comment was, um, with four U's and

seven M's.

It's amazing to have the balls to write that as a comment. I think if I was

going to comment, I would have just said, firsties.

What would you have written as a comment, Tom?

Uh, WTF? I thought we were going to murder each other's wives.

I guess I'd probably just post a picture of a very grumpy cat.

That's very appropriate.

And now on to for the ladies.

My dogs help me lick canter.

The University of Pennsylvania is using detection dogs to sniff out ovarian

cancer in women's blood samples.

I would just say, are they positive of the dogs barking in that area that you

have ovarian cancer? But what if you just have a vagina full of snossages?

Actually, I don't think the dog actually barks. You just know you have cancer.

If the dog gets really awkward, it doesn't know what to say to you.

I don't even know if I'd want a dog telling me that I have cancer.

I want something even cuter.

I want a little boy in a sailor outfit to tell me my prostate's enlarged.

But you're suggesting it's after he's taken his arm out of your ass.

He's got little hands.

Like the cancer dog? You know that MIT has a dog that can tell if your

are slathered with peanut butter?

MIT has that song?

Yeah. It's not perfected. It's not perfected yet, but it's getting very

Yeah.

It's going to be great.

And now, put your baby in the trunk and sell your car to a stranger. It's

defending your tweet.

You tweeted it, and I'm going to read it and make you defend it in front of all

these people.

Mark. Yes.

On July 6th, you tweeted, my mother just texted love you to me.

Did not feel right.

Mark, defend your tweet. Well, she texted it with, like, L -O -V -E -U.

Right, exactly.

That's my tweet right there. All right.

I'll tell you why.

I'll defend it. At that time, my mother and I were broken up.

So it was weird. You know, we're back together. It's cool. It's cool. Good.

Good, I'm glad.

Sweet. Sweet defense.

Tom.

On July 25th, you tweeted, I feel like if James Spader and I had a baby, it

would look exactly like James Spader.

Tom, not that you're wrong, but defend your tweet.

Well, first of all, I think about James Spader and I having a baby a lot. Sure.

Like you do. You just fantasize, how would we raise it?

Am I the girl?

I think I am. I'm not sure if I'm defending my tweet or just I'm going

down the rabbit hole.

Where he and I have a beautiful little version of us that looks probably more

like him. Yeah.

That got weird. It did. That one got weird.

But it also started out really weird. Yeah, yeah, it did. But thank you guys

both so much for being here tonight.

See Mark at Comedy Works in Denver, August 23rd and 24th. And Tom's movie,

Baby, is available on demand now and in theaters September 6th. We'll be right

back with more show.

Thanks again to Mark Maron and Tom Lennon. Also, check out anthonyjesselman

to get tickets to my new fall tour. We'll see you next week. Before I go,

take a look back at the best moments from tonight's show.

Okay, Caitlin, family is important to me. Tell me about yours.

Paint me a picture of what a holiday celebration is like in your home.

Oh, well, for Hanukkah, we all gather for a traditional meal. My mom and my

boogie are arguing over lunch. And now it's time to play What's Mark Angry

About?

Tom, what's Mark angry about?

Everything.

That is correct.

Thanks for playing.

Good night, kids. Go read a book.

What if I wanted this guy right here to pass for black?

I have a tattoo artist that can help you. What about just like...

What about that right there?

Very handsome.

I think so, and good at basketball.