Original subtitles

Jesselnik Offenses. I'm Anthony Jesselnik. How you kids doing tonight?

I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is we've got Amy

Schumer and Jim Norton here tonight.

But first, bad news. A man in California who suffered brain damage when a

bouncer smashed his skull in was awarded $58 million in damages. Or, as his

lawyer explained to him, One million dollars.

Now, this is great. A new study has found that children who live with their

grandparents are more likely to be fat because they receive extra treats.

Either that, or because their parents are dead.

Now, this one is a downer. Scientists have recently developed a new, less

invasive test for Down syndrome.

Instead of testing amniotic fluid, they just take a sample of the mother's

urine, and see if it can stay quiet in a movie theater.

Here's a stumper. Bethany Hamilton, who lost her left arm in a shark attack ten

years ago, is getting married.

Her fiancé proposed after asking Bethany's father for her remaining hand

marriage.

Let's get into this one. Forty bodies recently went missing from a cemetery in

Puerto Rico, which means it's finally happened. Puerto Ricans have run out of

things to steal.

In Florida, a man just turned himself in to police for killing a guy after a

fight at a strip joint.

That's right. He turned himself in voluntarily.

And that, my friends, is why they call it a gentleman's club.

And finally, let's make it rain with some more strip club news. A well -known

Houston stripper reportedly twerked so hard that she suffered a miscarriage on

stage.

Not the punchline.

Because in her defense, she did tell everybody, I don't think you're ready

this joke.

That was a great monologue. Let's see what our Comedy Central executive has to

say. Dark for the sake of being dark.

Thanks, buddy.

Keep up the good work.

In a recent article, several women's groups have claimed that Internet

pornography laws give corpses more protection than women.

For years, women have wondered what they have to do to get equal rights. And

there's your answer. They have to die.

Of course, there is one advantage to necrophilia. It eliminates the part of

that guys hate, getting consent.

Now, clearly, sex with a dead body is a very sensitive topic.

And whenever a topic is too sensitive to make a joke about, we make a bunch of

jokes about it in a segment we call Sacred Cow.

This week, we chose necrophilia.

Now, can you discuss necrophilia without sounding like a demented pervert?

Who cares?

Watch this.

Hi, doctor. Thank you for meeting with me. No problem. Appreciate it.

What type of person becomes a necrophiliac?

The kind of person who feels so inadequate with a living sexual partner

has to find solace in a corpse.

How many cases of necrophilia each year go unreported by the victims?

I guess all of them.

If you have sex, and I mean if you have sex, with a hot 16 -year -old corpse, is

that statutory necrophilia?

Yes.

Let's say you're a necrophiliac. Give me your top five fantasy corpses.

I don't really have any off the top of my head.

Let me give you a corpse, and you tell me if you have sex with them or not.

Okay, that'll be easier. James Gandolfini.

He's fresh.

No. No?

Jonah Hill.

No. Right?

Your dad.

No. Your mom? No.

My mom wearing your mom's skin like a suit?

Um, no.

My mom wearing your dad's skin like a suit? No.

Two little kids wearing your mom's skin like a suit so it looks like they're

taller? No.

Okay. Gay necrophilia seems safer because if someone catches you, you can

say you were comparing dicks.

I'm going to talk to a mortician next.

Do all morticians who have sex with dead bodies lie about it?

I've never spoken to a mortician who has sex with dead bodies, so I can't really

comment intelligently on it. Say it. Say they do all lie about it. I will not

say that.

Say all morticians lie about having sex with dead bodies. I will say no

variation of that sentence.

We're going to hold up a sign underneath your picture that says that all

morticians have sex with dead bodies and they lie about it.

Just say, hey, whatever it says below my face is true.

Um, no.

Now, you're a mortician.

Do you have sex with dead bodies?

No. Got it.

Morticians are there to care for the family and respect the dead.

That's what we're here for.

None of these shenanigans ever happen on your watch?

Never anywhere I've worked.

What are your hours like?

It's 9 to 5.

9 to 5? So after, let's say 5 .30, anything goes in there, huh? You have no

idea.

Not necessarily.

So you've never had sex with a dead body, but have you ever been tempted to

kind of rest it in her hand?

No. What about a hot chick in a coma?

Nothing wrong with that.

No, it's close to the same thing.

Close to the same thing, but not close enough to be wrong.

It's still wrong.

What do you think would be the worst part about having sex with a corpse?

Do they take forever to finish?

Yes, probably.

Just for fun, let's say you were a necrotheliac. Give me your top five

corpses. Natalie Portman, if she was.

Carrie Fisher.

Three more.

Has anyone ever asked to be buried in a hospital gown just to make it easier on

you guys?

No, they come in hospital gowns often, but we take that off and discard them.

When you take it off, do you take it off slowly?

No.

Okay, Orlin, well, thanks a lot for joining me today. This has been really

great. You want to get out of here and grab a couple cold ones?

Sure. I knew it.

Thank you.

We'll be right back with Amy Schumer and Jim Norton.

Welcome back to the show.

Kids, the Jeselnik Offensive panel started way back in February.

You know panel. You love panel. Panel is all of us. But do you know the story of

panel?

Panel started out life as a humble cypress tree.

Eventually, panel was chopped down and fashioned into the cross that Jesus

Christ was crucified upon.

But afterwards, panel denied ever having known Christ, because panel's cool like

that.

Panel is the light. All hail Panel.

All hail Panel.

Next, Panel received a message from his father, Pan -El, who lived on a distant

planet which was just like Earth, except they were without Panel.

So Pan -El said unto his only son, you will give the people an ideal to panel

towards. They will panel behind you. They will stumble. They will fall.

But in time, they will panel in the sun. In time, you will help them panel

wonders. Panel is the one. All hail panel.

All hail panel.

And low.

A couple of years ago, panel signed a development deal with Comedy Central.

But panel was a fickle mistress and rejected many suitors. Panel would not

with Taj.

Panel would not work with Kroll.

Panel would not work with Key or Peel.

But panel was in luck.

Because one day, a tall, dark, handsome stranger said the divine words, yeah,

I'll do panel.

If I don't have to put pictures in my monologue like a f***ing idiot.

And thus, panel was tolerated. And panel was good.

For the most part.

All hail panel.

All hail panel.

And now, panel rules everything around me. Preem, get the panel. Panel, panel,

bill, y 'all. It's time for panel.

Please welcome, from Comedy Central's Inside Amy Schumer, how can we be lovers

if we can't be friends?

It's Amy Schumer.

And from SiriusXM's The Opie and Anthony Show and his Comedy Central special,

Please Be Offended, it's Jim Norton.

You and I broke up a few months ago. How have things been going for you since

that?

Okay, well, I thought it was kind of more like a break, but it turns out it's

forever, so I'm kind of just, you know, adjusting.

How about you, Jim? You're an incredibly lonely guy. Any prospects on the

horizon?

Well, none that are free.

It'd be nice to have one date that doesn't end with a girl, like, wiping

knuckles while I hand her cash.

I think it's hilarious that you think Amy was free.

And those are not my knuckles. I have an unusually large cl... But thank you

both for being here. I'm glad you could make it all the way from the Apple

store. I know.

Now let's get right into it with the best worst thing of the week. Of all the

awful news stories, this one's my favorite.

Punt, pass, and kill.

Evidence is piling up against former Patriot tight end Aaron Hernandez, who

arrested and charged with murder for the execution -style killing of a semi -pro

football player. The Patriots dropped him immediately like he was a perfectly

thrown pass in the Super Bowl.

Amy, you first. You love sports and talking about them.

Oh, God, I can't get enough of talking about sports.

I just, this whole story, it reminded me of a quote. I believe it was the great

Paula Deen.

Yeah, let's cut you off there.

Let's go to Jim.

Well, it's funny to me that people were complaining that the Patriots dropped. I

think the Patriots were smart to drop him. They were stupid to immediately

George Zimmerman, but they were smart to drop him.

That guy can really throw the football, though. Oh, he sure can. Perfect aim,

but you have to be right on top of him before he throws it. Yeah, true.

I think the weird thing about this story, I mean, it's so obvious he's

allegedly.

Because he actually hired a cleaning crew to clean up his house the day after

the murder. And why would he need a cleaning crew? His last name is

The funny part to me is he's also saying that he had nothing to do with it. But

it's like, dude, they sound bubblicious that you bought by the body. So either

he did it or it was a girl with a Hello Kitty backpack.

Am I the only one who doesn't think this guy did it? I think he's innocent.

I mean, have you seen his tattoos? He makes great permanent decisions.

I think Hernandez could gain a lot of sympathy from people if he would just

at them and say, hey, listen, I'm sorry about this whole thing. I've just been

under a lot of pressure lately because I'm the first openly gay player in the

NFL.

Parades!

Up next is the worst worst thing of the week. It's a terrible story just like

the last one, only worse.

Get the lead out. A high school was under investigation after a member of

wrestling team was held down by his teammates and sodomized with a pencil.

Sure, these kids have made a mistake, but that's why pencils have erasers.

You know, I know wrestlers, I dated a wrestler, and they're not the sharpest

pencils in the ass. Trust me.

Jim, what do you think?

I think it's important for boys to be sodomized growing up.

Because...

I think it prepares you for later in life when you have to pay taxes or what

your wife's lawyer is going to do to your divorce.

I want to know where the teachers were in all of this. You know, they're the

ones who should be raping students.

I think that this is an unfair way to haze people. I remember when you used to

haze me while I was still asleep.

But that's not why we broke up. That's how we got together.

That's true.

Guys, I wish this was an isolated incident.

But there's been an epidemic of athletic hazing in schools.

Here's a game we call, which one of these objects has a student athlete been

sodomized with?

Multiple choice, here we go. Is it A, a broken flagpole?

B, a metal rod?

C, a water bottle?

D, a jump rope handle, Jim?

Or E, fingers?

What do you think, Amy?

Okay, well I want to say fingers because that's what I like.

It was just the fourth. I'm going to say flagpole.

Flagpole? Jim, what do you think? Yeah, I don't know the answer, but it seems

like you listed them in order of luckiest boy first.

I don't know. I'm going to guess a broken flagpole. Broken flagpole?

Trick question all of the above.

Sports make you a man.

I'm the king of panel. There is none panel. Sucker MCs, they call me panel.

We'll be right back with more panel.

Welcome back. If you think I'm panel and you want my panel, come on, baby, let

me panel. It's more panel.

It's time for the JonBenet Ramsey Memorial Parenting segment, where

the future of murder.

Zero dark, 7 .30 bedtime.

A recent online article claims that this year, toddlers with guns have killed

more Americans than terrorism.

Which is why I get nervous any time I see a little kid in an airport or a

marathon.

See, this is why I take Plan B like a multivitamin.

It's paying off.

I don't know. If I walk into a room and there's a kid and he's pointing a gun, I

immediately lose my erection.

I think this is just horrible, guys. I mean, this is why every parent should

protect themselves with an above -ground pool.

You just think of them as, like, little baby Navy SEALs. This way, you won't

feel so bad when you club them to death.

All right, guys. Real -world scenario.

A toddler is coming at you with a gun.

How do you defend yourself?

Because I would just, like, lay him on his stomach and wait for Sid.

I would probably defend myself the same way I do against an unarmed baby. I

would just wet his little fingers and put him in front of an electrical

Amy, how would you defend yourself against a toddler with a gun?

I would just, you know, punch them in their dumb toddler's dumb face.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would just hit him with a truck and then bury him in a pet cemetery.

That's too well thought out.

I've thought about this a lot. A lot.

Up next is For the Ladies, where we look down through the glass ceiling at

stories for women.

The best damn art show.

Period. An artist in Chile has unveiled her latest masterpiece, five years of

her own menstrual blood.

So far, the exhibit has attracted over 5 ,000 visitors, including 200 bears.

It's currently on exhibit at the Latin American Museum for Sweet Jesus Christ,

Lady, What the Hell is Wrong with You?

thing to do with menstrual blood. Like, I was raised to just, you know, send it

to your enemies.

I think this is going to be lovely.

I mean, it's going to be the only, like, art gallery that has flies on all the

pieces.

Oh, God.

Hey, look, you can badmouth this woman's work, but believe me, this is not the

week to do it.

my favorite game to play with guys that i'm dating oops i must have just gotten

it yeah that was fun all right guys

let's do some role play all right jim you and amy are roommates you guys get

along great but amy has been collecting her menstrual blood for five years try

to talk her out of it without making her upset amy look up you pay the rent

No, I didn't. I was too busy, like, pulling the dog off that mess you left

behind the sofa.

Right, right.

Look, I know that you've been, you know, we laugh about it and you leave your

bloody rags around.

I know I like to wear them on my face and pretend I was injured in the Civil

War. Right, right.

But it's got to stop. The entire apartment smells like pennies.

Now strap your baby to some fireworks and celebrate your independence.

It's defending your tweet.

You tweeted it. Now I'm going to read it and ask you to defend it in front of

all these people.

Amy, on June 17th, you tweeted, Gold!

More like copper.

Quote, Someone has gone down in price. Some has gone up. End quote.

Hashtag Antiques Roadshow.

Hashtag Harbors on Copper Kettle.

Amy Schumer, love of my former life, defend your tweet.

I don't believe you ever loved me, but I... Okay, well, what happened with

Comedy Central asked me to live tweet my TV show, and I misunderstood because I

was drunk, and I live tweeted Antiques Roadshow.

I see.

Pretty good defense.

Jim. Yes. Jim Norton, on June 24th, you tweeted...

Imagine how mad you'd be if elephants took nude photos of your kids and then

sold them to morons.

That's kind of what a circus is to elephants.

Jim, defend your tweet.

Well, I was watching a special on elephants and how they're mistreated,

just bothered me. I hate circuses, and I hate when people are mean to elephants.

It just gets me.

That's usually my opening line in a bar to make a woman think I'm sensitive.

Done and done.

Well, thank you guys both so much for being here tonight.

Visit amyschumer .com and check out her tour dates and see Jim's new hour

special, American Degenerate, premiering August 23rd on Epyx. We'll be right

back with more show.

Thanks again to Amy Schumer and Jim Norton. We'll see you next week, but

I go, let's take a look back at the best moments from tonight's show.

Oh, excuse me. Is the pork loin still on sale this week? Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't work here.

And bring America back to what made it so great in the first place!

Okay, now Amy, you'll have one minute to make the argument against slavery.

Go.

What's with all the makeup that you guys slather on corpses at a funeral? My

grandfather just died, and they made him look like a whore. We try not to put on

that much makeup. We try to keep him as natural as possible.

Yeah. Well, just so you know, my grandfather was a whore.