Original subtitles

Jenny Jeselnik, how are your kids doing tonight?

Fantastic. We've got a perfect season finale for you.

Reggie Watts and Kumail Nanjiani are here.

But first, a lot of bad things happened this week, but that's why you've got to

stretch first.

You can do it. We can help. Last week, a crazed man tried to cut off his arms by

sawing them both down to the bone in a California Home Depot.

He actually didn't want to cut off his second arm, but have you ever tried

getting someone to help you in a Home Depot?

Winter's coming. Facebook billionaire Sean Parker has reportedly spent $9

million on a Game of Thrones -themed wedding.

To stay true to the series, he'll have a half -a -million -dollar gate, a $300

,000 dance floor, and sex with his sister.

Step right up. A Florida carnival ride operator was arrested last week for

spanking the bottom of a young girl as she got on a ride.

Even worse, the ride she was getting on was the Florida carnival ride operator.

What's your plan B? Barbara Jean Wilkie, the so -called mother of the anti

-abortion movement, died last week at the age of 90.

Ironically, Wilkie died while vacuuming.

Marco! In New York last week, a young brother and sister who were reported

missing were later found drowned in a neighbor's above -ground pool.

Residents in the surrounding neighborhood are calling the tragedy the

start of summer.

Now, everybody's talking about this one. Last week was the WNBA draft. Am I

right?

The top amateur female basketball players in the country found out who's

pro and who's going to be the tall high school gym teacher.

And finally, Vegemite, an Australian man who was pinned under a car for four

days, was kept company by his loyal dog, Boydie, who didn't leave his side the

entire time. Despite four days of hearing, Boydie, go get help, you piece

sh**.

That was a great monologue.

shows that there's a link between childhood bullying and psychological

later in life.

The study was conducted by tracking both bullies from adolescence to adulthood

and bullying victims from childhood to the suicides.

Now, clearly, bullying is a very sensitive topic. And whenever a topic is

sensitive to make a joke about, we make a bunch of jokes about it in a segment

we call Sacred Cow.

Such a sensitive topic that I need help this week. And who better to lend me a

hand than the most gentle soul of all, Jim Norton.

Norton and I sat down with a young bully and tried to get him to change his ways

the only way we know how.

By being dicks.

Check it out.

So DJ, you know why you're here.

Yeah. You're a bully. Yeah.

You ever get in trouble for bullying?

Oh yeah.

And what's your punishment?

Uh, suspension.

That happens a lot.

You want us to help you stop it?

Yeah. All right, you've got a couple more years before you get out of school,

we need to make sure you can control yourself right now. Okay. We're going to

bring in some really pathetic, easy targets and see how well you can control

yourself.

Now let's have our first nerd come on in here.

You don't want to bully this girl at all.

No. You don't look at her and just really want to say, marching band, huh?

Why don't you join jogging band?

You don't think it would be fun to yell, hey, look, a fat girl with a popcorn

bucket on her head.

You don't want to say, hey, do you play scales or just crush them?

You're not tempted to tell her, hey, cheer up. If you lose 10 pounds, black

will like you.

You don't want to do that?

Next.

Picture how delicious it would be to say, hey, look, it's Sharon Osbourne in

1991.

You don't want to go out and be like, hey, look, it's The Cure, a teen

pregnancy.

Hey, don't feel bad. If none of the girls in your high school bang you,

always Comic -Con.

Max,

can I look at this nerd?

You don't want to tell this girl, hey, you can be whatever you want when you

older, except for a model or a good driver.

Well, hey, I know I'm not as good as math at you, but I can tell that you're

three. Or maybe you want to tell her, hey, cheer up. In a few years, your

will really show you what to do with a ping -pong ball.

You don't want to say, hey, congratulations on not being drowned at

your parents realized you were a girl. That doesn't appeal to you?

No.

Pretty good job today.

What'd you learn? Your show sucks.

You know what it was.

Jeselnik Offensive. Kids, lately a lot of people have been asking me, Anthony,

penny for your thoughts?

Well, you can keep your filthy penny. It's time for the first annual top three

things we can't talk about at all for a number of reasons that have been made

clear to us repeatedly.

First up, number three.

I can't tell you what it is, but it is the third worst thing in the world right

now. And if I even hinted at what it might be, some people think you would

your mother -loving marbles. And that brings us to not revealing even a single

detail of number two.

No surprise here, number two comes in second on the top three things we can't

talk about at all for a number of reasons that have been made clear to us

repeatedly.

Again, number two is pretty upsetting. If I even spoke its name aloud, you

feel something bad, and we desperately want to avoid that at any cost because

we're in the goddamn comedy business.

And finally, gotta preface this next one by telling you that the top thing on

our list of things we can't talk about at all for a number of reasons that have

been made clear to us repeatedly is so terrible I've asked that it be censored

because kumbaya or whatever the fuck.

So brace yourselves for number... Now, how does

everybody feel?

Me too.

And now, I like my women like I like my panel. Panel. It's time for panel.

Please welcome from IFC's Portlandia and E's Burning Love, it's Kumail Nanjiani.

Comedy Central's Alive at Central Park. It's Reggie Watts.

Now, Kumail, you're on Franklin and Bash.

What's it like working with Saved by the Bell's Zach Morris?

He's like just, you know what? He's like so beautiful.

Like, he's got like abs to his neck.

I'm not gay, but if you see a unicorn, you want to ride it, you know what I

mean? Yeah, that makes perfect sense.

Now, Reggie, is it true that you had an encounter with UFOs?

Yeah, I did.

I'm from Montana, which is one of the best states that you can be in for UFOs.

Of course.

And, yeah, and I had a great one. I was on Robitussin.

I just smoked some hash and, yeah, saw some in a huge field.

It was pretty awesome.

God, would have been so much cooler if you were sober for that.

I know, I know. That's what everyone says, but I just like to have a little

when I see UFOs. Yeah, people say that, but I think it's a mistake to be sober

for anything.

Now, let's get right into it with the best worst thing of the week. Of all the

awful news stories, this one's my favorite.

Baby, baby, baby, oy!

Justin Bieber caused a stir last week when he visited the Anne Frank House in

Amsterdam and wrote in the guest book that he hoped Anne would have been a

believer.

The incident has been voted the world's lamest way to get into trouble in

Amsterdam.

I think he says he has a kinship with Anne Frank because they were both

discovered at a young age.

No.

I mean, it's like, I think that one of the, probably the worst offenses that,

you know, afterwards, because you only get to hear, like, the first part,

You know, what he says. But really what he said after that was like, you know, I

want to definitely go to camp with her if I could.

This is all going to seem so insignificant once he kills his first

know? That's true.

That's true. I'll look back on this and laugh. Yeah, we'll be like, remember

when he just dissed on the Holocaust?

Your move, Amanda Bynes.

I was thinking, like, you know, when someone says, you know, Martha's fans

always send death threats?

But with Anne Frank, it's too late.

Yeah, you know, it's an interesting thing because Justin Bieber suffers a

rare condition, which is he cannot find secret passageways at all. No.

What's that condition called, Reggie? It's called non -passage dyspepsia.

This is going to seem real harsh, but...

We're all giving him grief for making the Holocaust about himself, but you

who else made the Holocaust about themselves?

Anne Frank.

She's like, oh, everything's terrible. There's 5 ,999 ,999 other Jews with

terrible lives, and none of them are blogging about it. That's true.

That's true. The Jews have totally gotten over the Holocaust.

They never bring that up.

Now, guys, Bieber's on a world tour right now.

What do you think he'll say in the guest books and other different tragedies

around the world?

Well, I think at the Statue of Liberty, he'll probably say something like, I was

so glad to be all up in your freedom, girl.

Good. Is that what Justin Bieber sounds like? Yeah.

Yeah, look at him.

Look,

his lips and everything, that's the way he talks.

I think it'd be cool if he went to, like, Gettysburg and was like, hey,

Gettysburg, thanks for an awesome war, and now Usher's free.

At the Alamo, he could be like, hey, I did it, Selena Gomez.

We both learned the hard way not to trust Mexicans.

Let's move on to not buying it. We make fun of a product that's new and

unfamiliar to us.

Yeah, wear that bitch out.

Some Japanese engineering students have created a girlfriend coat, which hugs

you and whispers in your ear, just like a real girlfriend.

Or so they've been told.

I like that there's another one in the background, like he's going for a menage

a trois.

Now, guys, this coat whispers to you like a girlfriend, but what does it

actually whisper?

Probably something like, I don't know anyone at this party.

Hey,

I think we should see other coats.

Does this coat make me look coat?

A court that holds you tight like a girl? Uh, no thanks. I'll wait for the

pants.

How do you let him hang like that? Oh, sorry.

Hey, um... You know, the coat's reversible, you know? So when you do

you turn her inside out. She turns into a lesbian and starts hugging other

coats.

That version also has tons of utility pockets.

Do you think he, like, is so used to it now that his porn is looking at L .L.

Bean catalogs?

Peter Panel picks a panel of panel panels. How many panel panels did Peter

pick? We'll be right back with more panels.

Welcome back. I'm on a C -panel diet.

I C -panel and I panel it. It's more panel.

And now for our segment, Culture Clubbing, where we take a baseball bat

china shop of human intellectual achievement.

Start the bidding at zero.

Murder suspect Jodi Arias is selling original artwork to cover her legal

expenses. Her boyfriend died from 29 stab wounds, a slit throat, and a

to the head. So critics, be kind.

I like that she's like, ah, I've made some mistakes.

It's weird that her crime was so violent because her artwork is so subtle.

I think her boyfriend saw her painting and was like, ugh, kill me now.

You know, she considers it Baroque art, you know, because she's Baroque and

needs some money.

Classic Watts.

Classic.

I mean, you know, it's not bad, but it's not something you would nail to a wall

like you would a boyfriend, for instance.

True. That's very true.

You know, according to a coroner, she also does nudes.

At first, at first she claimed the painting was done by two masked

All right, guys, now it's time to play the game Great Artist or Terrible

I'm going to show you a painting, and you tell me if it was painted by a great

artist or a terrible person. All right, all right. Here's your first picture.

Great artist or terrible person?

I mean, it's clearly both.

It is both. That's Jodi Arias in the cutthroat art world. Color her a star.

That is hers?

Yeah. Why are you so surprised?

We just told you she's a f***. Painter.

Well, I wouldn't have thought that that would be the first one you would show

us. That's why we showed it to you first. Ah, you guys win again.

We win every time.

It's my TV show. I'm on the Jeselnik defensive.

I think you're on the Nanjiani nothing.

Doesn't even make sense. Still gets an ooh, because it's my...

Alright. Let's take a look at this next painting, guys. Terrible artist.

I mean, terrible... Terrible person.

I'll go with good artist.

The answer is Hitler.

Both. He was a Third Reich leader, but a first -rate painter.

This is not terrible.

I would pay up to six million dollars for it.

All right.

Check out this next painting.

Great artist or terrible person?

It's a great artist, obviously.

Great artist.

It's Judy Arias again.

No. Yes. No, that is John Wayne Gacy, great artist and terrible person. I'll

tell you this, guys. If I saw that painting on the side of the road, I

befriend it, take it home to my house, have sex with it, and then kill it.

And now... turn off the baby monitor and call up the morgue. It's defending your

tweet.

You tweeted it. Now I'm going to read it and ask you to defend it in front of

all these people.

Kumail Nanjiani.

On March 24th, you tweeted, Banana Laffy Paffy, why don't you just stick a fork

in my dick?

Kumail, defend your tweet.

What do you want me to do?

I can't do anything with this. It's horrible.

I want you to explain how you ended up wanting a fork in your dick.

Do you like banana Laffy Taffy? No, it's horrible.

Okay. It's like someone whispered the word banana into a piece of silly putty.

Now that's what I'm looking for. That's the defense, Kumail.

Shut the f*** up.

On November 1st, you tweeted. You're going to just have to redo it if you

give me a high five. No.

You're just going to have to redo it. Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Everything's cool, guys. I'm okay.

Can I get a refill?

Yeah, somebody run to a liquor store.

Reggie, on November 1st, Reggie, on November 1st, you tweeted,

confusing either or question, children or anal?

Reggie Watts, defend your tweet.

First of all, I think it's a totally reasonable thing to question.

But, you know, the other thing is, it's just two choices. They're not mixed.

It's just clearly two choices. That's it. They're not associated at all. It's

just, you know, pick one.

Weirdly, they're not mutually exclusive either.

Oh!

Oh, my God.

Finally, Pramail Nanjiani does something right.

Thank you guys both for being here tonight. Be sure to watch Kumail's hour

special, Beta Male, premiering June 22nd on Comedy Central.

And check out Reggie's new video, if you're f***ing, at jash .com.

That's J -A -S -H dot com.

We'll be right back with more show.

Thanks again to Kumail Nanjiani, Reggie Watts, and Jim Norton. Also get tickets

for my new spring tour at anthonyjeselnik .com and follow me on

anthonyjeselnik. And to the show blog at cc .com slash jeselnik. Tune in next

week, same bat time, same bat channel, to get the premiere of the new series

Inside Amy Schumer. It's amazing, and she's not so bad herself.

And that's our season finale.

The Jess and Nick Offensive will be back before you can say blueberry pie. But

before I go, let's take a look back at the best moments from tonight's show.

Now,

Comedy Central has asked me, how can we possibly top ourselves?

Well, tonight, Kumail Nanjiani and Reggie Watts will find out in Sex Crave.