Original subtitles

Jesselnik Offensive. I'm Anthony Jesselnik. How are you kids doing

Fantastic. We've got another perfect show for you tonight.

Jeff Ross and Jonah Ray are here.

That's right.

Jonah Ray.

But first, a lot of horrible things happened this week. All of them

Fill her up. In Israel, President Obama's limo broke down when someone

with unleaded fuel.

instead of diesel.

You know, if we all drove electric cars, this wouldn't have happened, because

the president would never set foot in the Middle East again.

How romantic. Two teenagers in Steubenville, Ohio, were sentenced to

years after being found guilty of raping a girl while she was passed out drunk.

They actually could have gotten six years in prison, but they weren't

music.

That's two jokes back -to -back with a message.

You're not going to see that anywhere else.

Real G's roll in silence like lasagna. Little Wayne has been released from the

hospital a week after being treated for a suspected codeine overdose.

The rapper says he plans to one day write about the experience either here

here.

Here's some more face tattoo news from my demographic, a man known as the human

billboard. is now having second thoughts about allowing companies to tattoo

their names on his face.

He's also hoping that one day he'll have a third thought.

Being town, a politician in Boston has been accused of screaming at a special

needs child at a local restaurant.

Although in his defense, he just wanted to know how the boy liked them apples.

Hut, hut, in a move to reduce concussions, the NFL will no longer

carriers to lower their helmet to hit a defender.

Former players are saying they can't understand this new rule. In response,

league said, yeah, that's why we made it.

Now let's get into this one. In a recent interview, Katie Holmes says that she

may one day become an attorney, proving that despite all the adversity she's

faced in life, Katie Holmes doesn't know the meaning of the word attorney.

We got a bag check. Citizens of Saudi Arabia, the people who brought us 9 -11,

will be granted trusted traveler status by Homeland Security.

Now they'll be able to breeze right through security like pilots, even if

haven't finished flight school yet.

And finally, this just tickles me. Kevin Clash, the guy who used to be the voice

of Elmo, has been accused of giving a teenage boy meth and having sex with

Defying all odds, he'll still be referred to as that guy who used to be

voice of Elmo.

And that was a great monologue.

Now, kids,

kids, I have a lot of fun on the Jesselmick Offensive, making fun of

and dead people.

And that's why it's become the most popular show in television history.

But I also have a softer side that likes to help people. Is that something you'd

be interested in seeing?

Yeah! Of course it is.

Isn't it? Yeah!

Well, then you're going to love my new syndicated daytime talk show, Anthony.

Take a peek.

This week on Anthony.

So, you're racist, you killed your Filipino classmates, and now you're

jail. But guess what?

We're giving you a makeover!

See what happens when white power gets fierce.

And the autopsy results.

Good news. It wasn't autoerotic asphyxiation. Your son just hanged

No evidence of semen or failed escape mechanisms.

He was probably just depressed.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

Juwan Franklin, you are not the

rapist.

Okay,

Megan. You said your dad is a soldier fighting overseas, and you haven't seen

him in eight months.

Well, we got a surprise for you. Are you ready?

Yes!

on television.

We'll be right back with Jeff Ross and Jonah Ray.

Welcome back to the Jeselnik Offensive. Kids, Casey Anthony is supposedly having

another baby. I don't know why. Seems like she nailed it the first time.

She's being coy about the father, but sources say he's rich.

So we've narrowed it down to a couple of different possibilities.

So let's see what Casey Anthony's next baby might look like with our Jeselnik

Offensive Casey Anthony Baby Picture Predictor.

It's going to be great, unless you hate fun or like children.

So rumor is the father of Casey Anthony's new baby is rich, which means

be Bono.

Let's predict what their baby might look like.

Shake, rattle, and hum, that's a handsome baby.

I'm going to need some wallet -sized photos.

But maybe the father's not Bono. Have you ever considered that?

Well, we looked into it. And if it's not Bono, that could only mean one thing.

Bill Gates is the father of Casey Anthony's baby. Can you picture Bill's

and mouth with Casey's nose?

Let's predict what their baby would look like.

That's adorable.

Now, I don't need a PowerPoint presentation to give you the word on

outlook. It excels.

Wallet -sized photos, please.

But let's just play it safe here, kids. Because we're only 99 % sure it's either

Bono or Bill Gates.

But if it's not one of those rich guys, you don't want to look stupid.

So let's consider the only other possibility.

It's got to be Tony Shalhoub.

Shalhoub's got money out the wazoo. I mean, Monk was on forever.

Way too long.

So let's conjecture what Shalhoub's rich olive features and curly black hair

would look like when you combine it with Casey Anthony's all -American face

swagger. Glory be!

Twins!

So cute, I just want to squeeze them.

And that was the Jessalyn McOffensive Casey Anthony baby picture predictor. If

you can find a better Casey Anthony baby picture predictor out there, then I

will lose my goddamn mind.

And now, I say pan, you say Al, pan.

It's time for panel.

He can be seen on The Nerdist, coming soon to BBC America, as well as his own

half -hour special on Comedy Central, Say Hey, It's Jonah Ray.

Comedy Central, it's the Roastmaster General himself, my pal, Jeff Ross.

Now, Jonah, someone was telling me that before I had my own TV show, we used to

be friends. Is that true?

Yeah, yeah, no, we used to be really good friends.

We even had a comedy duo together.

That's right, Cops Brought Pizza.

Yeah, it's a really good name. It was a great name.

You thought of it. I know, that's why it was so great.

Now, Jeff, what are you up to these days? About 250, 265?

I feel like I haven't seen you since Christopher Dorner named you in his

manifesto. He killed all those people. People know about that.

Yeah, that was the worst shout -out ever.

He killed all those people, and then he said in his manifesto that I was a

genius.

So prove that there is some good in all of us.

Let's get right into it with the best worst thing of the week. Of all the

news stories, this one's my favorite.

It's the Jessalynick Offensive Two for Tuesday.

Got a double dip on this Casey Anthony thing. It's just too rich to keep it all

to myself.

Sources are reporting that Casey Anthony is pregnant again and ready to commit

to motherhood in the first degree.

Guys, have you had a chance to chloroform an opinion on this matter?

I'm excited because I love a sequel. I'm excited to see what's going to happen.

She's already promised to circumcise the baby from the neck down.

You know, the baby's due in eight months, but the lawyer promises to have

in four.

Wow. Do you think she's going to have a water birth just to speed up the

process? I would hope so. The kid's first words are going to be his last

You know, I heard if you want to get her a gift, she's registered at Crate and

Barrel. Because those are both things you can hide a baby in.

I heard Never 21 is where she shops.

I was going to get her stuff at Target because that's what that kid is.

Oh, man.

But Casey Anthony Square, she's going to do better this time. She's going to be

a good mother.

What do you think she's going to do differently?

I think she's going to raise her kid well, send it off to college, and then

murder her.

They want to ban assault rifles. They should ban that woman's car.

Am I right, people?

Yeah.

Jonah, what do you got? What do you got to beat... She sucks, huh?

What a bad person.

Up next is the worst worst thing of the week. It's a terrible story just like

the last one, only worse.

Get into panic pose.

Lululemon, the largest manufacturer of yoga pants, has stopped shipments of its

popular black yoga pants because the most recent batches were too see

I don't know how you guys feel about this. I am outraged. No yoga pants just

when they're trying to take away our guns?

Where we live in? Communist Russia?

Fellas, when life gives you lemons, make Lululemonades.

We need to murder who's ever responsible for this. We need to choke them with

old Lululemon pants.

Let's try to calm down and discuss this yoga pant thing seriously.

What do you guys think women are now going to wear when they're pretending to

work out?

I don't know.

I guess it's going to just have to go back to juicy.

Yeah, you're psyched. You got a closet full of that stuff, huh? Yeah.

Back in style.

This is the year of Jonah Ray.

I take off my shirt. I do yoga in just, like, little tighty -whities. You do?

I don't think you know what yoga is.

I think you're confusing it with yogurt.

Oh, I was thinking of frozen yoga, right.

Up next is In Your Faith, where I show God who's boss.

Jesus, you're fired.

That was Donald Trump.

A ten -part Bible miniseries produced by reality mogul Mark Burnett is setting

ratings records on the History Channel.

Finally, something that combines America's love of religion with their

reading.

Mark Burnett producing the Bible miniseries. His best work since he got

turn around in a chair.

Jeff Ross with the unexpected physical comedy.

No one saw that coming.

I love this is on the History Channel because there's no comforting fantasy

channel.

The whole time I'm watching it, I'm just going, oh, where's the flood? I hate

these people.

Yeah, but that's the same thing you said when we were watching Treme.

You said.

I like the Mark Burnett spin on it. I like when Jesus got voted off the leper

colony. That was cool.

Yeah. I thought it was weird, though, how his last words were, I'm not here to

make friends.

I'm not here to make friends. Yeah.

That's good. Yeah, that was a good impression. I like that.

No, I wasn't ever there.

But I think the big controversy now is people are upset that the guy who plays

the devil is like a dead ringer for Barack Obama. Yeah. Yeah, check it out.

Seriously, it looks like Barack Obama if Barack Obama didn't stop smoking.

Obama is not Satan, okay?

Satan was able to make a deal with Congress.

Thank you.

Bless you all.

On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being panel and 10 being more panel, that was

panelrific. We'll be right back with more panel.

Welcome back. Do you live your life like a panel in the wind? Then welcome back

to the panel. It's more panels.

Now it's time to play What's Their Problem?

I'll show you a picture of someone from the news, and you tell me what's their

problem. First up, let's take a look at this real hero.

Guys, what's his problem?

Just had to extinguish his own body hair fire?

He just found out he knocked up Casey Anthony.

Is this from that calendar, Gay Heroes of 9 -11?

Yeah, it's from your calendar. Yes.

Available now at JonahRay .com.

Actually, those were all good guesses, guys. But here's his real problem.

He's a male stripper who was arrested for beating up female audience members

heckled him because he was terrible at stripping.

Although, if you've ever performed at a bachelorette party, you know those

bitches deserved it.

He's got moves like Jagger and fists like Chris Brown.

That's what you get when you call your stripper named Captain Baby Dick.

It's just going to happen. Yeah. It's just going to happen. You don't want to

make that mistake.

It doesn't make him any less of a hero.

Next up, let's check out this spring chicken right here.

What's their problem?

Oh, no. Super glue accident?

I think she just got hit by the guy in the last picture.

What is her problem?

Here's her problem, Jeff.

This broad was just convicted of second -degree murder for shooting her grandson

six times when he tried to borrow her car.

This is the thing that always confuses me. Why do you drive in the parkway but

murder your grandson in the driveway?

Doesn't make sense.

Well, she won't have that much time in jail.

You think the judge was like, please rise, and then 15 minutes later she was

able to stand up?

You plead guilty or not guilty? She was like, I'm not thirsty.

Please, Jeff, show a little respect. She did kill somebody.

Moving on.

Moving on. Let's check out this bad mamma jamma right here.

What's his problem? He can't remember whether he's Biv or DeVoe?

This guy looks like the spokesperson for Vicodin.

He was arrested for trying to steal somebody's eyelashes.

So close, yet so far away, this man was actually arrested for beating his wife

to death using only their vacuum cleaner.

And women say men don't do housework.

What is he, Mike Dyson?

You know...

Not to play Dirt Devil's advocate, but maybe she deserved it.

And here is our last troubled hero.

What's this guy's problem?

Wants to finish the screenplay, but just can't find the time?

He's pissed he showed up at Bonnaroo on the wrong weekend.

No! You guys are all wrong.

No, wait.

He did a Nazi salute at a soccer game?

What the... I guessed it?

I guessed it?

I win!

I win!

I got it!

Banned for life for giving a Nazi salute after scoring because a racially pure

world is his ultimate goal!

That's not the Heil Hitler. That's the Berlin Shake.

You know what? Let me say something.

Nazis get a bad rap. Anthony's actually a very, very nice guy.

That's true.

That's true.

Jeff, I've had it up to here with you. And that was what their problems was.

Now it's time to shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake your baby.

defending your tweet.

You tweeted it. Now I'm going to read it and ask you to defend it in front of

all these people.

Jonah, you're up first. All right. Jonah, on March 17th, you tweeted, I

realized that I have the weight of Theodore, the height and eyewear of

and the radical baditude of Alvin.

Hashtag complete package.

Jonah, defend your tweet.

You know what? I don't think I have to defend shit.

Because ask any girl in here, they've always wanted to fuck a chipmunk.

Then why'd you get your teeth fixed?

Anthony! How long have you guys been friends?

Too long.

Jeff, on January 31st, you tweeted, It's so lonely in here.

Retweet if you're taking a dump right now.

Jeff, defend your tweet.

That tweet made a big splash.

I thought you'd like that. Yeah.

That was great. That was great.

Thank you guys both so much for being here tonight. One of you more than the

other one.

Catch Jonah every Wednesday at the Meltdown Comedy Show in L .A. and

to his Jonah Radio podcast on iTunes.

And catch Jeff live at the Tulalip Casino in Marysville, Washington, April

We'll be right back with more show.

Thanks again to Jeff Ross and Jonah Ray. Also get tickets for my new spring tour

at anthonyjusselnick .com. And follow me on Twitter at anthonyjusselnick. And at

the show blog at cc .com slash jusselnick. We'll see you next week. But

go, let's take a look back at the best moments from tonight's show.

Greetings, greetings, fellow stargazers. Venus looks positively glorious in the

nighttime sky this evening.

Do you see a twinkle?

Watch the twinkle, won't you?

You sure you don't want any of this?

I'm good.

Ah, memories.

Good night, kids. Go read a book.

Arnold. We found two women who meet all the criteria you selected for your

potential mate. Please bring out your sisters.