Original subtitles

Welcome to the Jesselnik Offensive. I'm Anthony Jesselnik. How are you kids

doing tonight?

Fantastic. We've got yet another perfect show for you tonight. Billy Eichner and

Kristen Schaller here.

There was a lot of horrible stuff in the news this week, but what do I know? I

only read world star hip -hop.

Everyone's still laughing about this one. Last week, a hot air balloon crash

Egypt killed 19 tourists.

19 people are dead. But on the plus side, a bunch of lucky guys got out of

proposing.

Here she is, Miss Teen Delaware, was forced to give up her crown this week

her porn video surfaced online.

But there's another happy ending.

She was just offered a quarter of a million dollar contract by YouPorn.

Which just goes to show you, when God closes a door, he opens up a browser

window.

Let's put a face on this story. Last week, a woman in Boston received one of

world's first successful face transplants. And she looks great.

In fact, the only downside is constantly having to tell people she's actually

not Mindy McCready.

That'll do, pig. The conservative watchdog group One Million Moms is upset

Geico commercial featuring a pig on a date with a woman.

Their biggest complaint?

The pig torments the Million Moms with its unobtainable body image.

That's no moon. Actress Carrie Fisher was recently hospitalized after a

episode on a cruise ship.

Reps for Fisher say she's sad that it happened, but happy that it happened.

I don't think we talked about porn yet. A man in Michigan says that he was

robbed of over $7 ,000 worth of vintage porn.

$7 ,000.

But can you really put a price on watching people give each other AIDS?

Hey, here's some news from the world of porn.

Joe Francis, the founder of the Girls Gone Wild video franchise, filed for

bankruptcy last week.

I know, right?

Devastating. The Girls Gone Wild franchise is now 16 years old, but

claims he has a release that says it's 18.

Let's get into this one. In Florida, at a building for the online college Full

Sail University, a student yelled racial slurs at a black classmate and then

stabbed him with a screwdriver.

Thus answering the question, what does it take to get kicked out of Full Sail

University?

And finally, Bobby Brown has been sentenced to 55 days in jail for a DUI.

Bobby said that normally he would never drive drunk, but he was in a hurry to

meet Whitney Houston.

Thank you, everybody. That's my monologue. Good night!

Thank

you, thank

you, thank you.

You guys are a great crowd. I don't usually do monologue encores, but what

hell.

Plus, I'm almost positive we haven't talked about porn yet.

After open -heart surgery, porn star Ron Jeremy has been given the okay to have

sex again.

And his female co -stars are thrilled to have him back, too.

In fact, you can see it all over their faces.

Now this is going to be a fun one.

Thousands of dollars have been donated to fund a trip to Disney World for an

Alabama child who was abducted and held for six days last month. It's a nice

gesture, but they might want to start with the rides where he doesn't have to

sit down.

I'm just saying the kid's probably pretty rambunctious.

Now clearly, child abduction is a very sensitive topic.

And whenever a topic is too sensitive to make a joke about, we make a bunch of

jokes about it in a segment we call Sacred Cow.

This week, we chose missing children.

Now, when a child goes missing, getting a good photo out there is the most

important thing you can do to find them on the off chance they're still alive.

Take this one, for instance.

See, that is not a good picture. This kid is never getting found.

There you go.

Now she's got a fighting chance.

And with photo -aging technology, we can see what missing kids might look like

today. And it also helps kidnappers see what they'll be working with in ten

years.

Yowza, she's a keeper.

So, can missing children be funny?

I don't know. I'm not an expert.

So I went to go make fun of an expert.

Watch this.

All right, sir. Thank you for joining me today to talk about missing children.

Please tell me your name and what do you do?

My name is Logan Clark, and I am the co -founder of the International Human

Trafficking Task Force.

And are you comfortable right now?

As a matter of fact, I am. It's hard not to be. What's the most frightening

statistic? About 100 ,000 women are

inducted. into sexual slavery in the United States every year, and the

average introduction age is 13 years old. Oh, man, 13 is the best.

At what point do you just give up? Is it like a week, two, two days?

The horrible thing would be to say when they run out of money. I don't do that.

But you would if they ran out of money.

You know, if I were a person who kidnaps children, I think a pretty good cover

would be pretending to be someone who finds missing children.

So over time, what's proven to be the most successful way to lure a kid into a

van? The help me find my puppy approach, or who wants some candy approach?

Help me find my puppy.

Help me find my puppy is the good one?

Yep. Showing a picture. Do you think a kitten would work as well, or do I have

to get a puppy? More kids like puppies than they like kittens.

Everybody wants to save a puppy. Yeah.

All right, Logan, let's try an exercise. See how good you are at finding people.

I want you to close your eyes and count to five, and I'm going to hide, and then

I want you to try to find me.

Ready, go.

So statistically, how often is a child abducted?

About every 40 seconds.

So why are you even talking to me right now?

That's a really good question.

Kids these days, what are you going to do?

We'll be right back with Kristen Schaal and Billy Eichner.

Welcome back to the Jesselnik Offensive. A new report from USA Today says that

10 % of senior citizens have suffered from elder abuse, and that 90 % of you

picturing a Dominican nurse right now.

And that kind of abuse always happens behind closed doors, but no one ever

attacks old people publicly.

That's why we're here.

You guys have heard of dog shaming.

Now it's time for elderly shaming.

Pretty little thing, let me light your candle, because we're about to coast

through two acts of panel now. Gets around.

It's time for panel.

You know her from Flight of the Conchords, The Daily Show, and Bob's

It's the fabulous Kristen Schaal.

And from this hilarious show, Funny or Die, it's Billy on the Street. Please

welcome the even more fabulous Billy Eichner.

Kristen, Billy, so great to have you guys on here together. You guys went to

college together, right?

Yeah. That is true.

We did. We were in acting class together for three years.

We paired up all the time to do scenes from Chekhov, Shakespeare, Greek

We're amazing, amazing actors, as everyone knows. Yeah. What was your

memory of working with her? I had a lot of good memories, but my favorite memory

is that I actually got to go into a dressing room once with Kristen Schaal

she was trying on bikinis.

And I'm gay, if you didn't know.

She let me in the dressing room, and she completely exposed both of her breasts

to me.

Both of them? Both of them, including both nipples.

And you're, like, still gay?

Yeah, I know. Can you believe it? But they did look amazing.

Yeah, they're good.

They're really good.

I have a memory of being at a party with you where we, like, stood in a circle,

and you took your clothes off.

And I saw your package.

Yeah. And it was awesome. Yeah. I have, like, an average -sized penis, but

enormous balls.

It sounds like you guys have people to party with at college. Yeah.

And let's get right into it with the best worst thing of the week. Of all the

awful news stories, this one's my favorite.

Fundamentalist minister Scott Lively claims that he has proof that President

Obama is gay.

Which proves one thing for certain.

Fundamentalist minister Scott Lively is gay.

Lively says he spent time in Chicago gay bars looking for evidence and points to

Obama's vacation with his male personal assistant, Reggie Love.

Wow. If this is true, then it's bad news for Obama because he could get kicked

out of his mosque.

That's true.

Here's the thing, though. This guy's name is Scott Lively.

Have you ever heard a gayer name than Scott Lively?

No, no.

That is the gayest name I ever heard. He's like Richard Simmons.

Yeah.

What are the signs we should have seen that President Obama is a gay

Those are job lips if I've ever seen them.

Yeah, they're sore.

I heard a rumor that he turned down an invite to the Secret Service Colombian

hooker party.

And who would turn that down?

I don't know. I heard Obama only bailed out Chrysler because he wanted to save

the PT Cruiser.

I don't know what the PT Cruiser is.

It's the car you own. Oh, okay.

Fair enough.

What does PT stand for?

Penis Tunnel.

Ah, it's the penis tunnel on wheels.

Thanks for getting me out of that one, Billy.

For this, they canceled Chocolate News.

Can you imagine?

Please, they prefer to be called Key & Peele.

Getting somewhere.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Now, Pastor Lively says he's got a proof that Obama was in a bunch of different

gay bars in Chicago, which makes me think, what were the names of those gay

bars? Like Dick's Butt Kiss?

Michael Jordan's Steakhouse?

Yeah.

Al Cabone?

Deep Bitch Pizza.

Deep Bitch Pizza? Deep Bitch. Deep Bitch.

Deep. Very deep. That's their motto.

They want it deep. Real deep.

Oprah Winfrey's apartment.

I think that's actually called Gales O 'Grady. Oh!

That's a good one.

Oh, the Chicago white.

Oh!

Billy, are you going to let her give that to you? Give me one more.

I don't know if I can top the Chicago white.

So racist. Not even Obama could get in.

Of all the panel joints and all the panel towns and all the panel world, you

to panel into mine.

We'll be right back with loads more panel.

Welcome back. Once bitten, twice panel. We've got more panel.

Now it's time to play What's Their Problem?

I'll show you a picture of someone from the news, and you tell me what's their

problem. Okay.

Here's our first little lady.

Guys, what's her problem?

Too much of a good thing.

I think there's a possibility that she got fired from being a Kathy Bates

impersonator.

Maybe her problem is that her teeth are actively trying to escape from her head.

Those are all good guesses, guys.

But here's what her actual problem is.

She's in trouble for wrapping her kid's face in duct tape and then sending out

pictures.

Although if you can think of a better way to get rid of those unsightly

eyelashes, I'd like to hear it.

It looks a little bit like Renee Zellweger.

Just say what you will, this kid does a great RoboCop.

You want to see my Zellweger impersonation? Yes, I do.

Do you do a Renan's ballroom press? Yeah.

You had me at hello.

It's out of practice. I didn't know I was going to do it. That was great.

Did you like it? I did like it. That was great. It completes me.

Next, check out this troubled spectator right here.

What's her problem?

Maybe she's on the phone and her uncle Ronnie told her that he heard the news

that Obama's probably gay.

She's just now getting a joke she heard on How I Met Your Mother.

It is a shocking one.

Yeah, she's like, that was edgy for that show.

I'm sorry, guys, but this little lady was a little too close for comfort at

Daytona 500 during one of the most awful crashes in the history of the sport.

Yeah, look at that. I'm usually not a NASCAR fan, but when it's good, it's

out she was using her rollover minutes.

Moving on, feast your eyes on this Disney princess.

What's her problem?

She just bombed her proactive commercial?

I look into her eyes and I see someone struggling with the same things I am. I

think she can't finish her novel.

She's Cameron Diaz.

Harsh, Billy. Harsh but fair. I like her.

What's not to like, and you guys are going to like it even more when you find

out what she actually did, her problem is that she was caught by police having

sex with her pit bull in her front lawn in the middle of the afternoon.

Plus, pit bulls are bred for fighting, so you know it was makeup sex.

Well, double standard alert. I mean, she's going to jail.

and her partner is just getting punished with a rolled -up newspaper.

Let's take a look at this next gentleman.

What's his problem?

I don't know, but I like it.

He looks like the world's hottest terrorist.

I'm guessing that maybe Daniel Tosh hasn't written back to any of his fan

letters.

He's actually dealing with the age -old problem of having broken into a

firehouse and then masturbating on their hats and hoses and boots and stuff.

I mean, you can't just walk into someone's room and start masturbating on

their things. Yes, you can.

No, you can't. No, you can't, Billy. What is this, freshman year, Sharp Hall,

room 622?

Well, I am guessing that the firehouse Dalmatian has a few more spots now.

And that was what their problems were.

But now it's time to drown your baby and then blame it on a black guy. It's

defending your tweet.

You tweeted it. Now I'm going to read it and ask you to defend it in front of

all these people.

Kristen, you're first.

On January 7th, you tweeted, Cherry tomatoes will always have the last

Kristen, defend your tweet.

Leave that tweet alone!

Okay.

Okay.

That was a strong, aggressive defense.

I gotta admit, I didn't expect it.

Billy, moving on to you.

Okay. On October 30th, you tweeted, Okay, guys, I get it. Hayden Christensen

wasn't in The Phantom Menace. Ha ha ha ha. What is an Ewok? Ha ha ha ha.

My grandparents are all dead.

Billy, defend your tweet.

No,

no, no, no. I don't think they're going to air it, actually.

And

see

Billy on the Street Fridays on Fuse.

We'll be right back with more show.

Kristen Shaw. Follow me on Twitter at Anthony Jesselnik and at the show blog

.com slash Jesselnik. And check out the new tour dates for my new spring tour at

anthonyjesselnik .com.

Presale just went live today. Your presale code is the word dark.

We'll see you next week, but before I go, let's take a look back at the best

moments from tonight's show.

Hey, Darlene. Who's the black sheep in your family? My sister's kid, Jamal.

Julia Roberts or Julia Stiles?

You don't have to answer that. That's private.

Ah,

memories. Good night, kids. Go read a book.

In your experience, how long does it take a kid who's been abducted to start

identifying with their captors?

After three or four weeks.

So I should give it just a couple days?

Yeah, you want a clock?

Wait, just be patient with kids that are abducted.

Repetition.