Original subtitles

Welcome to the Jesselnik Offensive.

I'm Anthony Jesselnik. How are you kids doing tonight?

Fantastic.

We've got a perfect show for you. Amy Schumer and Aziz Ansari are here.

One of them I sleep with, and the other one, well, we just make out.

But before all that, a lot of horrible things have happened this week. I don't

know why.

I guess we're just lucky.

Everyone is still talking about America's sweetheart, Christopher

Yeah, I love that guy.

Police were finally able to stop Dorner's rampage last week after they

him in a cabin in Big Bear.

Ironically, cops were already in the area shooting up a cabin full of Asian

women.

Here's some more big news. Pope Benedict announced he's stepping down at the end

of the month.

Yeah. When asked what he'll miss most about being Pope, Benedict replied,

a tough one. I love the hat.

But I'm going to have to go with keeping condoms out of Africa.

I mean, well, you guys have heard of AIDS, right?

All right, everybody, put your head between your legs and kiss your ass

North Korea pissed off the entire world last week by testing yet another nuclear

bomb. This brings North Korea one step closer to a full -scale nuclear bomb

we will drop on North Korea.

Now, this is kind of tragic.

Mark Balalo, one of the stars of A &E's Storage Wars, committed suicide last

week by leaving his car running with the garage door closed.

And when police opened the garage, they found, well, you'll just have to watch

this week's Storage Wars.

You can't stop progress. The city of Memphis is changing the name of a park

named after Ku Klux Klan founder Nathan...

Bedford Forest.

Oh, I'm sorry, I was waiting for your applause.

The city has spent years debating a name change, but this isn't the first time

Bedford Forest has left people hanging.

Let's get into this one. A gun shop in Detroit has agreed to stop selling

targets that look like Osama bin Laden after meeting with members of the

of American Islamic Relations.

Instead, the store will now sell targets that look like members of the Council

of American Islamic Relations.

And finally... I'm sure you heard about this. Last week, singer Chris Brown

totaled his Porsche 911 in Beverly Hills.

This comes as no surprise to me.

Chris Brown loves that car.

Wow.

That was a great monologue. Let's see what they're saying about it on Twitter.

Speaking of awesome, fashion.

It's everywhere.

You can't get away from it.

But no two people ever seem to wear it the same.

Let's take a peek at some similar looks and find out who wore it better.

First up, we've got Kate Winslet or Mariah Carey. Kate looks like the belle

the ball, while Mariah appears to be looking for fashion in all the wrong

places.

Up next, it doesn't get any easier.

President Barack Obama or the Virginia Tech Killer.

President Obama looks like the belle of the ball.

While the Virginia Tech Killer looks like he'll be spending another night

in his dorm.

Now let's look at Guy Fieri or this Tibetan monk.

Tibetan monk looks like the belle of the ball.

While Guy Fieri looks like he should kill himself in public.

to look like that.

Here's a tough one.

Lucille Ball or James Holmes?

Lucy looks like the belle of the ball.

While James Holmes looks like he's got some splainin' to do.

Victoria's Secret is considering making a special bra specifically for breast

cancer survivors.

It's the perfect gift for the woman who used to have everything.

Now, obviously, cancer is a very sensitive topic.

Whenever a topic is too sensitive to joke about, we make a bunch of jokes

it in a segment we call Sacred Cow.

This week we chose cancer.

Is cancer funny? I don't know. I'm not a doctor.

So I went to go make fun of a doctor.

What's the best part about being an oncologist?

Always meeting new people?

Well, I think it's being a very supportive person for someone who has a

-threatening illness.

I guess even if you have a patient you don't like, you never really get the

chance to get sick of them.

What's the most amusing cancer?

Well, it's a very serious topic that we're talking about. I would have said

cancer.

Yes, I did. I said it.

Huh. What's worse, prostate cancer or the test for prostate cancer?

Prostate cancer.

Wrong again.

Okay. It's okay.

Don't be nervous.

Let's role play. Okay. Tell me that I have cancer.

Anthony.

The test showed that you have cancer. You have cancer.

No, you have cancer. You do. I think you're wrong. I just looked at the

You're riddled with cancer.

Now, doctor, are you actively searching for the cure for cancer right now? Well,

not actively, but I spend all day long trying to get them cured of their

Not actively looking for the cure for cancer.

Just put that on your Yelp review.

Wasting a cancer doctor's time sure was fun, but now it's time to kick it up to

stage four by doing stand -ups for a cancer support group.

How many cancer patients take the screw in a light bulb?

How many?

Twelve. One to do it and eleven to say, oh, so inspiring.

A guy with cancer goes to the hottest nightclub in Hollywood, walks up to the

door, the doorman says, hey, you.

Get out of here. You can't come in my club.

Guy says, you don't understand. I have cancer.

Dormant says, yeah, I know, but you're also Persian.

What is black and white that will be red in six weeks?

Your will.

So what is your name?

My name is Chris.

Chris, what type of cancer do you have?

It's a brain cancer. It's called oligodendroestrocytoma.

And can you spell that?

I doubt it.

Could you spell it before you had brain cancer?

Back of row.

Do you have cancer?

Actually, start chemo Tuesday.

Oh, my God. Well, you know what they say.

Chemo money, chemo problems.

What type of cancer?

Large, granular, lymphocytic leukemia.

Why can't they just give them better names? I know. I think that's the

part of having what you have. I know. Having to remember all that stuff.

That's tough.

Well, best of luck to you. Best of luck to all of you.

That was sarcastic.

That was great, and no harm done.

Plus, guess what? It's time for panel.

The panel that's just like Chelsea lately, only better. Because are you

kidding me?

Please welcome from NBC's Parks and Rec, the incredibly famous Aziz Ansari.

And... from her recent Comedy Central special, Mostly Sex Stuff, my favorite,

Amy Schumer.

All right, right?

Thank you so much for being here, guys.

Aziz, I just had a great interview with you. You had one of my favorite quotes

ever I want to ask you about.

I could do a TED Talk on dick photos after all the research I've done.

It's true.

On my last tour, I had a bit about dick photos, and I would do a survey.

Like, I'll do it here. Clap if you're a woman in the audience.

That's a great survey.

Okay. Now, clap if a guy has sent you a dick photo before.

Isn't that way higher than you thought it would be?

It's that high everywhere.

I thought it'd be like 30%. It's like 70%. Yeah.

Everywhere.

Now clock it was Aziz that sent you the photo.

Now let's get right into it with the best worst thing of the week. Of all the

awful news stories, this one's my favorite.

Last week there was a maniac cop loose in Los Angeles. Actually, there are

thousands.

But only Christopher Dorner was crazy enough to release a rambling manifesto.

And like most manifestos, his biggest vendetta was against the comma.

Did you guys read the manifesto?

I did. Do you check it out? It's like the longest thing I've ever read in my

life. Yeah, it was like a page, page and a half. Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, sorry Mensa members in the audience today.

I wonder if he like showed it to some friends before and he was like, what do

you think about this? Do you think there's any parts I could lose?

I think it's too long right now. Do you have any edits?

They're like, no, man, it's good. It's all good. I got to say, other than the

murdering and all that stuff and the stuff up top, when he gets to, like, the

shows and stuff, I'm kind of like, doesn't seem like a bad dude. I don't

Yeah. I understand it. Like, we all had a cop fantasy, you know, where, like, a

cop, like, he pulls you over and you're really mad, but then, like, he just kind

of, like, starts taking off his uniform, slow to a Boyz II Men song.

And then he brushes your hair out of your face.

Amy, Amy, Amy. What's up? You're on my TV show. You need to focus up.

Oh, sorry.

Up next is the worst, worst thing of the week. It's a terrible story, just like

the last one, only worse.

The former Navy SEAL who killed Osama bin Laden is now divorced, broke,

unemployed, and the government doesn't care.

But on the plus side, he hasn't killed himself yet.

That is so... I did not know that. Like, that is totally depressing.

But it's kind of ironic, because he's going to wind up, you know, with, like,

homeless beard and, like, an army jacket, like, living under a bridge.

of like... I read that article, the interview with him, and one thing that's

interesting is, like, they were talking about when they were going on the raid

and stuff, and whenever they talked about Osama bin Laden, they always...

still say... They say, Osama bin Laden.

It seems so pretentious. It makes me think of talking to one of them and

like, yeah, so I heard you guys got Osama bin Laden. Actually, it's Osama

Laden, but yeah.

Sorry guys, I actually met him.

You don't know him like I know him.

He's different when he's not around his friends.

If he wants a job, he can shoot all over my bearded man in a cave anytime.

I thought of the best job for him. Okay.

Amy, let's do a little role play. Hey, I'm going to this fun club later. Do you

want to come?

Oh, I don't know.

What if I told you the guy that killed Osama Bin Laden is DJing tonight?

Would you be interested?

What?

Could you get us on the list?

Yes, of course.

Okay.

Oh, me so panel. Me panel long time. We'll be right back with more panel.

Welcome back, kids. Is that panel in your pants, or are you just panel to see

me? It's time for more panel.

Let's continue with the JonBenet Ramsey Memorial Parenting segment.

Where children are the future, but parents are the stars.

Mom, you're embarrassing me in front of the Aryan Nation.

A 58 -year -old woman is under arrest for passing her son oxycodone in prison

via an open -mouth kiss.

Oh, no!

Oof. They really do look a lot alike.

As a result, the prisoner lost conjugal visits with his mother.

Looks like they took the photo right after they did it. Like, the face...

over here. Let's snap a photo.

Like, if you just showed me those photos and you're like, what do those people

do? I'd be like, it kind of looks like the woman just made out with her son and

plastered him oxycodone, maybe?

You know what? This makes me mad. My mom never put out.

Not even once.

And now it's time for Latino Voices.

Have you been watching season two of Girls?

The worst is the worst.

What do you think of the season so far?

And where do you see Hannah going in the next few episodes?

Okay, so like, I really enjoy season one.

But I thought Brian Williams' daughter seemed like a bitch, but it turns out

she's not so bad. I don't know. What do you think?

She seems okay.

Indeed.

Can you give me directions to the airport from here?

I would just go straight down La Cienega.

All the way down, as long as there's not a lot of traffic.

There's a nice in -and -out right near LAX.

And that was Latino Voice.

Now let's wrap this baby up and throw it in the river. It's time for defending

your tweet.

You tweeted it. Now I'm going to read it and tell you to defend it in front of

all these people.

Amy, on August 28th, you tweeted, Ladies, surprise your guy. Get a temp

of his name on your stomach and don't let him see it until he finishes that.

Hashtag interesting.

Amy, defend your tweet.

In my defense, I was in a really great place in my life.

And I was just riddled with great ideas and lousy with clarity.

Stand by this great idea.

That's a strong defense.

I wouldn't have expected anything less.

Aziz, on December 9th, you tweeted the following.

Tortoise, tortoise, tortoise. Tortoise, tortoise, tortoise. Tortoise, tortoise,

tortoise. Tortoise, tortoise, tortoise, tortoise. Tortoise, tortoise, tortoise,

tortoise.

Aziz, defend your tweet.

I don't.

know exactly what the situation was.

But I'm going to guess I just ate a really delicious portion.

Wow.

Great defense.

That's a great defense.

If there's anyone here from the Hallmark channel that wants to option that story

for an inspirational film, please. Oh, there are.

There are people like that here.

Thank you so much for being here tonight, guys. It's my first show.

Watch Disease on Parks and Rec Thursday nights at 8 .30. And look out for Amy's

hilarious new series, Inside Amy Schumer, premiering April 30th right

Comedy Central.

We'll be right back with the best moments from tonight's show.

Well, that was our first show and we nailed it.

Thanks to Amy Schumer and Aziz Ansari. You can see me live at the Mirage in Las

Vegas on February 23rd and follow me on Twitter at Anthony Jeselnik. And at the

show blog, cc .com slash Jeselnik. We'll see you guys next week, but before we

go, let's take a look back at the best moments from tonight's show.

Women be shopping.

Women be shopping.

Women be shopping!

Oh, blood.

Floss, floss, floss, floss, floss, floss, floss, floss, floss, floss,

Ah, memories.

Night, kids. Go read a book.

If someone comes to you with lung cancer after years of smoking cigarettes, are

you ever just like, duh, duh,

duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh?

You ever do that? No, I don't do that.

Duh.