Original subtitles

And the scene described it as horrifying and highly disturbing.

And that's the story of my weekend.

Trent?

Breaking news.

Or should I say... Come on, I missed the

pun. What?

The pun! The funny word joke they do at the beginning of the movie. Hey, we

can't hear what you're saying because the blender is too loud.

It's drowning out what you're saying.

I'm missing the word play.

In other news, police say a truck full of imported Venetian ham was stolen

today. Venetian ham is the world's most absurdly expensive pork product, often

referred to as the Ferrari of ham.

Authorities also say that some of the stolen hams contain an anti -theft

a capsule of blue dye that will explode if someone tries to eat the ham.

Explosive blue dye?

More like...

Explosive. Are you kidding me right now?

And

that

is our final joke of the broadcast.

Good night, 12U.

That was a good one, Mary.

That's just great.

Who even knows when the news will be out again?

Same time every day, dude.

What's with all the blending?

Oh, we're on a liquid cleanse.

Hmm? We're on a liquid cleanse.

That's stupid.

Hmm? That's stupid.

No? We saw a video on the internet that says if you eat nothing but liquid food

for three days, you get night vision. Yeah. You can see everything.

At night.

Smart one. Science freak. You're both falling for this?

I want night vision.

Sometimes it's just nice to be part of something.

Hey,

Dad, what's up?

You gotta come home. Uh, why?

Because Piper's new boyfriend is coming over for dinner with his family, you're

in our family, so you need to be here. Uh, yeah, but I'm kind of on a liquid

cleanse right now, so... For night vision?

That's real.

Yeah, so, uh, I'm gonna have to use my get -out -of -dinner card, which I'm

holding right now, even though you can't see it.

No, no, your mom already used hers. I'm holding it right here, even though you

can't see it.

Dang it!

Come home.

Okay, click.

Click.

Hey, I gotta go.

Huh? You can't go. You're alone.

Somebody stole a truck full of fancy ham with exploding blue dots.

Dang it!

Uh, I can't even...

I'm happy with the situation.

I'm just going to assume you said I should go home.

No. Go.

No, stay.

Go away.

No. Okay, goodbye.

How long did it take the news to end?

That's what smells so good.

Thank.

You didn't tell me Piper was cooking. She's making fish lasagna. Each layer is

different fish.

Hey, guys, does catfish ever go bad?

It's probably fine.

Man, I'm out of here.

No.

I've hidden food all over the house. We can pretend to eat Piper's food, but

really we can...

Ketchup on our reading.

Book cheese.

Yep.

Finally found a good use for book.

It's supposed to be on a liquid cleanse.

Whatever.

Hey, what are you guys doing?

Uh, we are reading a book.

So many great words.

I like this cheese, but now I want some bread.

Fresno girl dolls that Piper brought home today. I'd love to, Daddy.

Be careful. Those are worth a lot of money.

Oh, we will, Piper.

Would you like some bread from ahead?

We should hang out more.

Last week I was mowing my lawn barefoot, cut my toe off.

Mom, I told you not to talk about your missing toe. And tuck in your shirt. I

can't. It's hiding a stain on my jeans. It's shaped like a cow.

See?

Touch it.

Go on, touch it. Make it move.

I don't want to make it move.

Nice to meet you, sir. I'm Billy Bilski. Nice to meet you, Billy.

Did you just say Bilski?

That's right.

I'm Brittany Bilski.

Miss Swellview Face Puncher.

Yeah, I don't want to touch that either. Look, you don't happen to have a son

named Mitch, do you?

No stinking way.

Well, if it ain't Henry J.

Fart.

Mitch Bilski, mommy.

J?

Henry's middle name is Prudence.

Prudence?

So it's Henry P. Fart?

at an after school job.

But then, an indestructible superhero hired me to be his sidekick.

Now we blow bubbles and fight crime.

Feels good.

Got up the tube.

Where's your mom?

Jail?

No. My husband's in jail.

So is my daughter. You ever meet Bish?

Yeah. I think she used to bully Henry's good friend, Charlotte.

Aw. She and my husband share a father -daughter cell.

Posey.

What'd you call me?

Hey, guys.

Guess who I am.

Okay, I'll give you a hint. My middle name is Prudence, and I look like a

weenie. Oh, oh, you're Henry.

You're Henry.

Those are my clothes. What were you doing up in my room?

Rubbing my butt on your pillow.

You serious?

Ha! You wish.

Ooh, milk cheese.

Mmm. Uh, Piper, do you want to get this dinner started so the Bilskis can eat

and get on their way?

We're good to go. Now, does anyone not want whipped cream on their fish

No.

My other son gets here.

That's him.

Is this the right house?

I know that voice. Why do I know that voice?

We're in here, Jeff.

I know that name. Why do I know that name?

Hi. I hit your mailbox with my car.

No! Yeah.

Jeff! Mick!

Why are you dressed like that? You look like a weenus.

Oh, yeah, no, I was just making fun of him.

Classic Mitch.

Did you put your butt on his pillow?

He wishes.

I do not wish that.

I'll relax you, weenus. Hi, I'm Jeff.

Uh, nope.

Okay.

Hey, I brought a gift for Billy's little filly.

What? The future Mrs.

Billsky. Nope. The sister to this mister.

Why don't you open the box, Jeff?

What is it?

It's a Venetian ham.

From Venetia.

Wait, isn't Venetian ham, like, crazy expensive?

Yeah, and weren't a bunch of them stolen this morning?

I don't know nothing about no stolen ham.

Okay, and how did you pay for this one?

Well... I figured Mom's gonna make bank when she sues the lawnmower company for

cutting off her toe, so why not spend that money now?

On a ham.

Oh, he's the smart one.

Well, let's dig in, jerks. This pork ain't gonna pig itself.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop.

You know, Piper spent all day making fish lasagna with whipped cream.

And you can smell all seven fishes.

Thanks, Billy.

I think someone's going to kiss.

How are we related? I can't stand you.

You always hit people's mailboxes. Okay, okay, okay.

Let's all eat the fish lasagna before it gets warm, and then we'll eat Jeff's

hand. All right.

I'd like to do a fish appetizer. Where are you going, Pruden?

It's time to eat, Prudy.

I was just going to go outside.

real quick and fix the mailbox.

Your son's a total wiener.

Thank you.

He gets it from me.

October, Henry, you have to speak up. The science freak keeps fixing the

blender. I can't speak up. My family's inside with the Bilskis. They'll hear

Just hang on a second.

You know what I'm saying?

You know that truck full of Venetian hams I got stolen?

Oh, yeah, the fancy hands with the exploding blue dye. I know who stole

Who? The dumbest criminal in Swellview.

Jeff? Jeff.

Yes. No, Jeff.

How do you know it was Jeff?

Because he's at my house right now, and he just showed up with an expensive

Venetian hand.

Why is Jeff at your house?

His brother is dating my sister.

Piper's dating Jeff's brother?

Yes. Jeff is a Bilski.

Piper's dating a Bilski? Yes.

Mitch Bilski is at my house, and so is his mom, and so is his older brother,

Jeff. Yes.

Yes. You keep him there, Henry. You keep him there.

No, no, no, no. Dude, I don't want to ruin this dinner party for my sister.

Yeah? Well, you know who else is having a dinner party right now? Don't say

justice. Justice.

I'm on my way to your house. No, dude, look.

We'll wait till the dinner's over, and we'll go to Jeff's apartment together

arrest him there.

No. New plan.

Hey.

You know how to fix a mailbox?

Yeah.

And then I finally got the drop on him. And that's when the detective said,

you've outsmarted me, Chad.

And that never happened.

And I was like, well, why not?

And then he was all like, because my name is Sherlock Holmes.

That did not happen. Prove it!

Sherlock Holmes isn't real.

Then how'd I put my butt on his pillow?

Ha! Filthy!

Hey,

what's up?

I'm Henry's boss. I wasn't invited, so I brought this potted plant.

Thank you. We actually have one just like it on our porch.

Huh, weird.

Hey!

What's this handsome hunk of hog?

Hey, a little funny story about that. Jeff actually brought it. Jeff's a good

guy. What are you doing here? I'll tell you what I'm doing here. I'm doing my

job. Making sure that Jeff doesn't grab that stolen ham and run off to Mexico.

Yeah, well, that's what I'm doing. Oh, are you? Yeah. That's what you're doing.

Yeah. Because it seems to me like you're getting a little too close with these

pills.

What are you talking about?

I'll tell you what I'm talking about.

You let that one wear your clothes.

Your sister's over there feeding that one fish lasagna.

Your dad's over there rubbing elbows with the mom.

See, this... Skin on your elbow is called your weenie.

That word's funny because it sounds like Venus. You know, the planet.

Oh, I know that planet.

See? Yeah, look, man. I don't know what you're talking about, but I can assure

you I'm not getting too close with the bilsties, okay?

Yeah.

Attention! This is the Swellview Police.

We got your house surrounded.

You called the cops!

No! You called the cops!

you cooked all day. I know.

Here's meat.

Hey, I don't think that the cops are here for the dinner party. Well, why are

they here?

We're here because we know there's stolen goods inside.

You steal something, Mitchie? No.

I haven't stolen anything in days.

You stole my clothes.

Yeah, but I'm not going to keep them.

Well, except for maybe the underwear.

You're wearing my underwear?

Yeah, but I left a pair of mine for you, so that's really just a spicy trade.

Look, we all know they're here because Jeff stole that expensive ham. I didn't

steal anything.

Jeff, you say that every time you steal something.

I know, but this time I'm telling the truth.

Oh, yeah, right.

You got five minutes to come out with the stolen goods or we're coming in.

All right.

Come on. That's it, Jeff. Let's go. No, I didn't steal the ham. I swear. Look,

look, look.

What's that, a receipt for ham?

No, it's a speech I wrote because I knew you would all accuse me of stealing the

ham. Look, if you have a receipt, you can just show it to me.

A single drop of water over time.

can cut through a boulder. Oh, my God.

Where are you going with this one, bro?

I'll skip ahead. And that's when I realized that the greatest nacho ball of

was the one inside me.

Because I just ate it.

And so... This is not a speech. It's just a drawing of a sun with sunglasses

saying, stay cool.

Fine. You got me, okay? I was making it up. What are you, my arch -rival

Sherlock Holmes?

Dude, if you bought the ham, where's the receipt?

I don't have it, but even if I did, it wouldn't matter.

No one ever believes us Bilskis. They think we're just a bunch of liars and

thieves and bullies and criminals.

Yeah. And we are.

Except for you, Billy.

You're the best Bilski ever, Billy Bilski.

You got this great girlfriend with this great family, and I just wanted to do

something nice for my younger brother because I think you're great, Billy.

So I bought you expensive ham.

Wow.

Man, that was... I...

Is that your... Are you crying?

We gotta go. Come on.

Come on. Oh, thanks.

How long was I crying?

Oh, like 20 seconds?

Yeah, okay.

Okay, new plan, though. All right? You go upstairs, you pop a gumball, you

transform, you sneak outside, you tell everybody that Jeff is innocent.

Got it. Okay.

What do you got there crying, Gosling?

It's not my name.

Is that gum?

No. Yes, it is. I have fish breath now. I want some. Give me some. Hey, hey,

hey.

Oh, what?

God, I hate bill skates.

Maybe someday like next week or something, but not today.

What are you saying?

We're going to eat the evidence.

You're right.

They can't arrest your brother if there's no evidence.

Nothing about that.

You don't? We wouldn't waste our precious time looking for stolen ham.

We're looking for illegal dolls.

Oh, Jesus.

Follow me.

What is going on?

We got a tip.

That someone's been selling stolen Fresno Girl dolls on the Internet. See,

ain't legal.

Listen, Billy, I might be going away for a little while.

without a lawyer present, but... Oh, I got a good lawyer.

They also work style in the nacho ball.

Sorry I doubted you.

You know, I never should have accused you of stealing that ham.

It's all good, bro.

I only got one bite of ham left.

Stuck it in my pants when the cops showed up. Who wants the pants?

I'm never going to eat ham again.

Me neither, man.

Actually, ham sounds pretty good. I'm glad you said that.

Hey, why the light off?

Because we don't need them.

We have night vision now.